Chapter 14

Reflections

Never have I felt more relaxed, more in tuned with my own synchronized heartbeat to my breathing patterns. I could not remember my own name, or the place in which I stood. The only true elements of non-fiction in this reality were the stinging icy breeze, the two warm benevolent molds which fondly elevated my face into the air, and the unbelievable craving to lift my lids. The disinclination in my Professor's actions was insufferable. At last, an unsteady trail of air licked my rosy face. The scent of chilly mint entered my nose, my heart leaping at the lovely fragrance.

Please.

My lips separated cautiously, anticipating collision with another pair. My body shrank against the door, limp in his powerful hands. The light sound of his inhalation brought me over the edge into a sharp high. My mind morphed into an undistinguishable state; darkness and pleasure consuming my essence completely. The featherlike brush of his nose to mine in a steady angle, his breath reached out to dust my lips lightly. He opened his mouth with an indulgent whimper, his sensitive succulent flesh tickled against mine, just teasing my nerves unbearably. I exploded, impatient and hungry; I rose onto my toes gently, forcing his lips harder on mine. I was greeted by a surprised hum; I extended my arm up to his sleeve, and gripped the material of his coat within my four fingers, bringing his body even closer to mine. You only have clout over me for so long, Luke. He had to stabilize himself by taking one of his hands off my face and hold it against the door, at an elegant eighty degree angle. I nibbled at him deliberately; each small push towards him sent my heart into frenzy. This one osculation is more pleasurable than anything I have ever experienced within my whole life. I felt wicked, powerful, and satisfied…for now.

Mae had never been too successful with dating other people. No one seemed to be as serious with her as she was with them. Getting used a couple of times made her a little bitter.

I never wanted to leave his lips, this taste, so smoky and clever. I opened my eyes just to peek at his marvelous face. His eyebrows lifted and slanted in desperation, his eyes softly closed, focused on reciprocating my yearning. My eyes rolled back in bliss, shutting them tightly, a small vibration escaping out my throat. We only pursed together about five times, the act itself only lasting about a minute. I loved the way his lips bounced off of mine, symbiotically feeding off each other's energy. Reluctantly I let him lift his face from mine, opening my eyes onto his echoing pools of blue hue, specks of golden flecks shined dazzling through the watery complexion. He beamed cutely down at me, bringing his hand away from my face and onto the side of my hair, running his fingers through my locks, "Where did you learn that?" He cooed lovingly.

I giggled innocently, bringing my lips up to his ear, "Looks like I need to teach you a few things." I released my hold on his coat and he withdrew himself backward, a distance of one and a half feet between us now.

"Thank you for everything tonight, Mae." A heartfelt chuckle escaped him.

I grinned, "It was truly my pleasure, Luke." He swooped into me, raising my chin with the outside of his pointer finger, and placed a gentle peck on my lips.

In retreating he uttered in a whisper, "I can't get enough of you saying my name."

I batted my eyelashes adorably, "Then you will be hearing more of it in the future."

He smiled genuinely in agreement, "I hope so." He stepped backward, waving his hand, "Goodnight, my Mae."

I picked up my free hand, waving it simultaneously, "Goodnight, my Professor."

He gave me a mocking grin and bowed humbly, "Adieu!"

I watched achingly as his metal vessel reversed out from my driveway and glided down the street, every second his vehicle vanishing from my sights. Traveling farther and farther away from my grasp, and I slowly felt my hold on reality slipping simultaneously. The certainty of knowledge surrounding the present events that unraveled tonight troubled me. How can it be factual that this existence is possible? Probable? No, my Professor would never partake in such sensual events with one of his students. Would he? He seemed as though he was nervous. The thought of his trembling breath came to mind. It is just nerves. It boils down to a science; we are both mutually (inexplicably) attracted to one another. Is it so taboo to share this reciprocated emotion? If I were any other twenty year old woman, not his student, not even going to the same college in which he teaches, would it be as wayward? How can I be so critical on myself when there are people my age and younger participating in more depraved actions? I am letting, for once, my sexuality to explore outside of my own mind.

This abrupt realization, the key in my hand turning to crack the lock of the wooden door turned the key in my thought process. A mental click opened the Pandora's Box into a depth of my psyche never explored; the hidden fragment of Mae that had been buried away; deep from the lights of day. Like a whisper. Like a tickle. This new vision contaminated everything I touched, everything I have ever known, everything I have ever experienced; bringing these things into a whole new shadow. The dangerous cloud of novel knowledge casted a twisted grin upon my face. I closed the door behind me with a tiny grunt. I sank back onto the wood, back straight up against the door, legs at a one-hundred and eighty degree angle, still smirking, a sly whisper slid down my lips, "I could get used to this."

Wisps of worry still swirled around my core, feeding off these inflated elated emotions. They jabbed into me, "What if he thinks you are not scholarly enough for him?" "Why would he be interested in something like you, what have you got to offer someone like him?" "How far are you willing to do, to delve into the darkness?" "You gonna fuck him, for real?" "Or are you just going to start to fantasize about you two together, so simpleminded of you!" "You should just give up now; you have his kiss, what more do you want from him?" "You after his money?" "You after his car?" "His house?" "His soul?" Each of these voices multiplied, growing more vicious and ruthless by the minute. The nagging that was tearing me apart wouldn't cease to be, it was always there, no matter what I chose to do. Whether it is the decision of what to eat for dinner: "Do you like the idea of stretch marks?" "Your clothes won't fit anymore" "Your eating habits are expensive!" Or if I am walking to class: "Why do you waddle when you walk?" "It's pathetic!" "Your hair looks ridiculous in the wind." "Who do you think you are dressing like that?" "A supermodel?" "Fat Chance!" "No one really wants to be your friend, they all hate you." "Your family doesn't actually love you." "If you were gone, their lives would be easier."

I usually try to pay them no mind, but this time they were genuine concerns for my situation. I usually shut them up with a daydream or a, "Who are you to judge?" "I can do what I see fit." "It's time I treat myself, and I like the way I dress!" I was at a loss how to deal with these questions. I sat on my floor, legs straight in front of me. I guess I could call Charlotte. I rummaged through my bag for my phone and hit send twice. After about four rings she finally picked up, "Yo, Mae! Could I call you back? I'm on the phone with Jasmine. Okay, bye."

I held the silent object to my ear contemplating my next course. Jasmine? Of course…that bitch. Jasmine was Charlotte's best friend; I have no sympathy for her because I never had a 'best friend'. Finally dropping my phone onto my carpet, I reached on top of my bed for my laptop, started it, and opened my document. I recorded the events that transpired and all my questions for myself. Each was neatly assembled in bullet point format. I smiled at my neat handy work, taking pride in one of the only structured elements in my life. I felt slightly hollow for treating him in this way, like he is some lab experiment and I am taking observations in his progress. I closed my eyes, rolled backwards onto my floor, and my stomach churned. I held it with one of my hands and opened my eyes. To the kitchen, I guess. I flopped over on my side, and then in some miraculous fashion, projected myself up onto my two feet. Didn't know I had that much energy. I finally unfastened my jacket and slipped it off my shoulders. I felt the mass of it in my hands, the textile spilling through my fingers, kneading it gently. He felt this coat; he was over me when this coat was on my body. Eagerly I lifted the jacket up to my face, inhaling, searching for his musk. My search halted at the collar, just above the shoulder, a faint scent of him captivated me. It took me over in a rush of euphoria; a shiver casted down over me, over the length of my whole body. A flurry of tremors bred inside my stomach; it was the hunger.

I poured a cauldron of cereal, and shoveled it into my face. I guess I was starving. I polished off the whole massive bowl, bringing it into the dishwasher. I poured myself a glass of iced tea and retreated back into my room, without the disturbance of any other family members. Are they even home? I checked the driveway and my mother's and my step father's car were both gone. I shrugged and aloofly headed back upstairs. I tore off my clothes in the bathroom, my awkwardly fleshy being standing in front of me. I started the water, plugged the drain, flipped the radio on, and waited for the tub to fill with hot water. I kept glancing at my reflection from all angles, "How can someone as fit as him learn to love your lumpy body?" It already started. Even before I ripped my clothes off and gawked at my useless shape. I shook my head; He will love me for who I am, what I look like won't matter. A little diet wouldn't hurt though. But I do need to eat. Puffs of steam coated the reflective glass, shielding the offending image from my eyes. This is me. I have to love it; it is just the way my cards were dealt is all. The tub was halfway full, I stepped one foot into the water, and the jolt of heat numbed my extremity. I attempted to crouch in the water, underestimating the temperature; I leapt up from it, the singeing water biting my skin. "Fuck, fuck! Shit!" Leaping into the air, I threw myself out of the basin with a thunderous crash. My elbow flung into the metal towel rack, shooting various grey and black towels all over the interior of the bathroom; one washcloth landing in my water. I yanked the cloth out, scorching hot liquid flung everywhere, and I adjusted the water by adding some cold water to the lava. I turned my head to the mirror once more, my image almost completely askew, but I could make out the sweat on my face, my wild mane knotted in the fray, and the supreme splendor my image possessed. In this light, I loved the way my body was, so vibrant and raw. Perhaps this is what he sees, this rare part of me.

I sat on the toilet, listened to the water pour incessantly, and the sappy love song that trickled through the radio. My eyes closed, focused on the bubbly waterfall next to me when a sharp noise startled me. I instantly shut off the faucet and radio trying to pinpoint the sound. The distinct chime of bells rang through the house. Clare. "She should be fucking happy Mom isn't home…coming home so late, again!"

I grabbed the largest towel, threw it around me, opened the bathroom door and started down the hallway. "Ugh, she should keep her keys in her bag like I do…not in her pocket where they can get lost…COMING!"

The bells rang again and I shuffled down the stairs, my towel almost flying off. I stood in front of the door contemplating how to chastise her this time. I flung the door open, bare tits in the towel resting under my arm, closed my eyes and shouted, "Clare! This is the last time I will ever be doing this!" I opened them.

It wasn't Clare.

It wasn't Clare at all.

It was the opposite of Clare.

My Professor Kelly stood in front of me, flabbergasted, books in hand. A long screech cried out of me and I slammed the door in his face. What?...wait…NO! I opened the door, a tiny crack, and then quickly introduced more space between the door and the frame. I finally got back to where we were before, "I am so sorry! I thought you we-"

I was interrupted by howling laughter, his shape bent in half, arms crossed over his chest in ecstatic agony. I sarcastically glared at him, my bare foot tapping on the wood floor. I patiently waited for him to regain his composure, breathing between heaves "My god! Was that unexpected!"

I shifted my towel nervously and my voice impatiently monotone, "I guess I can say the same."

The cutting draft carved into my exposed legs and the top of my chest, leaving my body to quiver against it. "Oh shit, you must be freezing! Can I come in?" I nodded and moved aside while my Professor stepped through the threshold into my home.