Author's Chapter Notes:

I've got some exciting news!

1) Here's another update. It's a two parter.

2) This story has been nominated for TWO awards. (Sadly I didn't win the Sunflower Award... But that's okay! Winning isn't everything. Just being NOMINATED is really freaking cool.)

3) This story has passed the 100th review mark! Thanks to all of my loyal readers. I wish I had some awesome outtake to give to the 100th reviewer, but I didn't have the time to do that.

4) Coming soon is a brand new fic by me and another author, lmw. The collaboration will be under the penname Dos Aqui. (Unfortunately you can't find the account yet, and will have to wait until we post the first chapter.) More information on that later when we have it. We're combining my ability to angst and her ability to make things lighter to create an awesome new story that isn't too heavy, but not too light. Once chapter two is written we'll begin posting. Which should be very soon. I can't wait to get this new fic out there because it's going to be great.

5) My beta, Tima83, is awesome! She knows why, I think.

Disclaimer! I do not own Twilight, or anything publicly recognizable. All credit goes to those who made them. I'm only a TwiAddict who reads and writes too much fan fiction.

Enjoy this chapter! There is a bit of sensitive material in the beginning and it has been marked in bold as usual.

Chapter 14 - Sink Into Me: Part One

March 18, 2010 9:42 PM

Normally I wouldn't smoke in the condo. Normally. But things weren't normal anymore, nothing was the same. I hated it. I was so stressed that I said fuck it, and lit right up.

As I laid there in my bath tub, puffing on my fourth or fifth cigarette, I thought over everything that happened today. I'd been confronted by my family, and begrudgingly they decided to let me be. I doubted it would last long, if at all. It had gone a lot better than I'd ever hoped it would have, though.

That wasn't what had me so stressed out though. No, it was what transpired afterwards that's got me so stressed.

Earlier…

Emmett, Rosalie, Mom, Dad, and Alice all stood to leave, having no more to say about things. All but Alice had a thoughtful look on their face. She looked a bit angry still.

"Hey, Alice!" I exclaimed. "Could you wait a minute please? I'd like to talk to you." Her shoulders drooped, head tilted down. She let out a long breath before turning towards me.

She nodded, and speaking to the others she said, "I'll see you all later."

Hesitantly they left, shooting worried glances between Alice and I. The tension between the two of us was palpable, but I hardly paid them any mind except to know when they'd all left so I could start this.

"Alice," I whispered, unsure of where to start. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," she said stoically.

"I know something's wrong with you. Just tell me. You used to tell me everything."

"Yeah, used to," she scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means we don't know each other anymore, Bella. We haven't known each other for over 3 years. Why change it now?"

"I'm sorry Alice… There's nothing else I can say. I know how much I've hurt you all, and its kills me. It kills me. I never meant to hurt any of you in any way, so please, tell me what's wrong."

Alice had a look of pain on her face; she stared holes into my floor. She swallowed hard a few times before looking into my eyes, tears falling from hers suddenly.

"Why wasn't I enough for you? Why weren't we enough for you?"

All I could do was shake my head slightly. I was at a loss for words because nothing I said could answer that sufficiently. It would never be enough to heal her pain. I could never take it away.

"What did I do wrong?" she asked quietly before saying it again at a much higher level, "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

"Nothing, Alice, nothing. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." By now I was bawling; the first time in a long time.

"I was always there for you. I did everything I could to make you feel comfortable, but it was never enough. You stillsunk. You still pushed us all away. Why couldn't you come to us for help?"

"I-I… I couldn't do that to you guys."

"Don't you think that would be our decision? Huh?"

"Yeah," I whispered in shame.

"We did everything we could to make you see that we were there for you. Everything. Why aren't we enough?"

"I don't know." The words barely left my mouth, but she still heard them.

Silence fell like a heavy blanket. It suffocated me. I wanted to collapse to the floor and never stand back up. I had no more fight suddenly. The guilt consumed me whole right then. Nothing hurt more than my heart at that moment - certainly not my healing shoulder which throbbed.

"I love you, Bella. I just want that to be enough for you. I don't want to see you wither away anymore because I don't know what I'd do without you. I need you. I've needed you for a long time, and you just haven't been there. I know you're still hurting over your family, so just let the rest of us love you and be there for you… It's all we want."

Before I could say anything back to her she was out the door and I was on the floor. I couldn't bare that weight anymore.

I curled up into a ball, rocking slightly and chanting, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Sorry to Alice; to Jake; to every single person I'd hurt, and will hurt, with my actions.

Present…

The ash of my cigarette threatened to fall, so I flicked the filter with my thumb before taking another drag. I dashed it out on the ledge of the tub, not caring about the mark the ashes would make just like all the others did. With lots of practice under my belt I deftly flicked the butt across the bathroom.

I sighed and turned my head to stare at the ceiling. A tear slipped from my eye as I sunk beneath the surface of the water. Bubbles escaped my nose and I watched stoically as they rose to the surface. It wasn't long before my body burned for fresh oxygen, but I denied it. I didn't deserve that relief.

I denied it until I was on the brink of passing out, and just as I was about to give in to the darkness a memory flashed across my eyes as if I was right there again.

Dr. Cullen leaned over my body, his image disturbed by the ripples in the water, but his message was clear.

"Hold in there, Bella."

I could hear him clear as day. And just as I lost the will to fight he said it again, his voice fading away.

"Hold in there, Bella."

I sat up roughly, gasping in gulps of air. The water cascaded off my body, some of it flowing onto the floor. When I'd caught my breath I reached forward, pulling the plug to drain the water out roughly.

On shaky legs I got out of the tub, wrapping a towel around myself and turned to stare at the place I thought only minutes ago would be my final resting place. I wondered what the fuck just happened, and why I couldn't follow through. What baffled me most was why Dr. Cullen's face was what I saw; that his voice was what I heard.

…

I stood in my kitchen the following day after nearly drowning myself in the bathroom, still reeling over the events. With my good arm I gripped the countertop in a vice, unable to slow my heart down or relax. I even took the extra dose of anti-anxiety pills I was allowed, and it did nothing to help. Continually those few minutes replayed in my mind.

I tried to catch my breath because it felt like I couldn't fucking breathe with so much weighing down on me. I couldn't fucking breathe. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Chelsea and her big, sad puppy eyes staring at me. She hadn't left my side since last night, and I found out that she had been laying guard in front of the bathroom door as I exited to find her there. I was even hurting my dog's feelings!

The air I was puffing in and out of my lungs quickly suddenly caught when the door bell rang. My eyes snapped opened, and fear laced my veins like a coating of ice.

Nobody should be coming over today, I thought.

I looked at Chelsea, snapping my fingers in command. She turned tail and ran in the other direction. Slowly I followed, but froze in place when I heard, "Hello?… Are you here Bella?"

Fuck! It was Dr. Cullen. What the fuck is he doing here?

Warily I peered around the corner to see him standing in the doorway with Chelsea sitting at his feet, staring straight up at him. Her tongue dangled from the side of her mouth, and her tail wagged relentlessly.

"Uh, hi," I replied in nearly a whisper. "What are you doing here?"

He lifted a bag eagerly, smiling his annoying as fuck lopsided smile. "I brought you dinner and a conversation." Another smirk.

"Why?" I asked rudely.

"Well, why not?" I narrowed my eyes at him. I didn't want him here, but didn't want to push him away because yet a-fucking-gain he had saved my life.

And he didn't even know it. If I had anything to do about it he would never know.

All I could do was shrug in response and gestured him into the condo, pointing to the living room. He nodded politely, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.

As we moved to the other room he asked, "How did you teach your dog to answer the door?"

"I just did."

"Hmmm."

"Wouldn't you rather be home with your wife?" I snarked.

He twisted and turned, taking in all the decorations in the condo. "Huh? Oh, no." He chuckled. "I'm not married."

"Girlfriend?"

"No. Nobody. I don't much have the time for that." He went back to his perusal, not leaving one square inch left undiscovered. He'd get a kink in his neck if he kept it up.

"'Kay." I pushed past him and plopped into my favorite seat. Like the loyal dog she was, Chelsea curled up next to the recliner. "Have a seat, Dr. Cullen."

He looked at me with a critical eye that put me off and made me squirm internally. "Call me Edward, please. I hate being called that outside of work."

"Sure thing, Dr. Cullen." I smirked a bit evilly. I would not be calling him Edward. I didn't want to be friends. He took my smile wrong and his face lit up. Instantly mine dropped and I asked, "So what did you bring for dinner?"

"Chinese. Do you mind?" He gestured to the coffee table, I assumed to ask if it was okay to put the food out there.

"Go ahead."

He set about organizing the large array of choices, opening every box. I noticed the he placed everything in a perfectly lined up grid. I wondered if he was OCD or just had control issues. I figured it was probably both.

"So how does that shoulder feel?"

"Fine."

"Any pain?"

"No," I sighed. "If it was bothering me I would have gone to see a doctor. I thought you were off work, or did you come to make a strange house call, Dr. Cullen?"

He blinked. "Sorry. No doctor here." There was blissful silence for a few minutes as we dished up on the paper plates he'd brought with him. Just like at the hospital I noticed that his presence was fucking loud. There was no sound except for that of our chewing, but it was like a sonic boom had just occurred.

"So," he began. "I like how you decorated the place."

I swallowed before replying, "I didn't. It came like this."

"Oh? So what did you add then?"

"Listen… Can we not talk about me?" I didn't need him prying into places that he wasn't, and would never be, welcomed. As much as I didn't give a rat's ass I had to turn the conversation from me and onto him if I was going to make it through his impromptu visit. "Why are you a doctor if you're such a control freak?" I asked, eyeing him straightening the carton I just moved to fill up my plate so more.

He blushed.

"Uh… I don't know." His brows furrowed in concentration. "I guess I've always wanted to be a doctor. Believe it or not there is actually a lot of order to working in the ER."

"Uh huh," I said skeptically. "You look pretty young; how long have you been practicing medicine?"

"I think 5 or 6 years? I don't know."

"And that makes you how old?"

"31."

I took another bite of food, humming in disinterest. Everything he'd just told me went in one ear and out the other. I didn't care what he had to say.

The conversation took a halt then when I couldn't come up with anymore questions. We ate in silence, with Dr. Cullen sporting a strained look. As time continued to move, and he was still there, he'd ask a question and I'd shoot him down every time it would remotely come close to being about me.

Finally after two long, agonizing hours Dr. Cullen took his leave. As I shut the door behind him I leaned against it heavily, sliding down it slowly. The moment my ass hit the ground I let out a sigh, releasing the breath I had seemingly been holding the entire time he was here.

I didn't think he'd ever leave.

…

~!~

!~Disrepair~!

~!~

March 20, 2010 2:08 PM

I was going stir crazy. There was nothing to do, and I wasn't used to it. There was just too much time to think. I didn't want to think. When I wasn't busy with work my mind seemed to wander, and it never wandered to a good place. Aro refused to let me go in to work for any reason. I had tried yesterday but was quickly thwarted. Every employee was informed that I wasn't allowed in the building at all until further notice. As soon as I'd walked in the door security turned me right around and actually walked me to my rental car.

It was now Saturday and all I could do was pace and think. The urge to cut was strong, but I continued to ignore it.

It had been a few days since I'd heard anything from my family, and I'd done nothing but think about Alice's words and about Jake. He must be so disappointed in me right now.

Out of sheer boredom I showered and got ready for the day, still thinking about everything. I just couldn't shut off my mind. After a couple more hours of pacing Chelsea must have had enough because she brought me her leash. Her way of telling me she wanted to go for a walk.

Wrapping the leash around my fist, Chelsea and I began our trek around the neighborhood. She didn't need the leash since she never left my side, but the park we were heading to required it. We walked for an hour before heading back to the condo. I was a little put out that I didn't get to run like normal, but was feeling a bit better after having been outside with a change of scenery.

3:21 PM

Rounding the corner to my condo I went to whistle at Chelsea to go ahead of me, but was cut short when she took off.

"Chelsea!" I yelled anxiously. It was unlike her to do such a thing. I followed her running form with my eyes, my breath hitching when I spotted her destination.

There, not fifty feet from me was a surprise I wasn't expecting, or ready for.

"Hey, Bella."

Chapter End Notes:

Uh-oh! Did she just leave it a cliff hanger? Why yes I did. :) I'll try not to leave you hanging for another month.

Dr. Edward Cullen really has his work cut out for him.

So, what are your thoughts?