Chapter 13

That night Rachel led Lou into her guest bedroom. "Here you go honey, you can sleep here tonight." Rachel said as she turned down the blankets.

"Thank you Rachel … for everything." Lou said quietly before Rachel kissed her forehead and left her alone.

Lou stripped down to her chemise before crawling into the soft feather bed. Lou couldn't remember the last time she had slept in such a comfortable bed. Sleep came easily to Lou, but unfortunately it wasn't the peaceful sleep she longed for.

Lou felt a smile grace her face as she rolled over in the soft feather bed. She could hear Rachel humming in the kitchen as she fixed breakfast. Lou stretched her arms over her head as she sat up, her eyes catching sight of the white gown she would be wearing in a few hours. She was going to marry the Kid. All her dreams would come true then. They would buy some property, start a ranch, get her siblings out of the orphanage, and be a family.

She looked at the dress again and felt the scenery shift. She was standing before a mirror looking at herself in her gown. She felt like a princess. She couldn't wait for Kid to see her like this, to see the lady she really was. Jesse came in and took her arm leading her down the stairs of Rachel's house. She was standing on the steps of the little white church before she knew it. Jesse smiled at her as they heard the music change inside the building. The doors opened and they walked in.

Lou saw the men in her life, the men she called her brothers, the man she called her father, the man she loved, stand up at the front. There was one missing though. She started walking with Jesse, about halfway up the aisle the back doors opened. Lou turned to see Jimmy striding in. He apologized for being late and took his spot on her arm where Jesse had been previously. Jimmy passed her over to the man she loved. She gazed up into his cobalt blue eyes, he was promising her the world he was going to make all her dreams come true.

The scene shifted again and Lou found herself outside the church a newly married woman. She felt perfectly happy. She kissed her brothers and then the war arrived. A soldier died at her feet. She was riding a horse; then shooting at some men, and then she was helping Buck pull Cody to safety. Then she was between Buck and Kid burying another of their brothers.

Lou was in a field, she was wearing her white wedding gown, only now she didn't feel like a princess. She felt like an angel of death. Her gown was ripped and torn; blood coated the front, only it wasn't her blood. She looked down and found her arms holding the head of a chestnut haired, blue eyed man known only as the Kid. He reached up, brushed his thumb across her cheek wiping away the tears that were falling.

"I'm sorry, honey … I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I didn't make your dreams come true." Kid whispered before his eyes shut one final time.

Lou cried leaning over his body holding him to her. "Kid… No … don't leave me."

She sat up and looked down at the bloody and broken body in her arms; only it wasn't Kid no more … It was Buck. She knew he was dying; there was no way he could live after losing that much blood.

"I'm sorry, honey … I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I never told you…" Buck whispered with his final breath caressing her cheek as her eyes closed, the tears falling heavily down her cheeks.

"Lou, honey, you've got to wake up. We have to get back to the wagon train," Buck whispered as he gentle shook her shoulder.

"Louise, if you want to continue on to Oregon you have to get up. If you want to stay here I'd understand but I need to know. I have to get back to the wagon train or Nathan is going to have kittens," Buck said quietly as he caressed her soft cheek.

Lou's eyes were closed as she felt the caress and realized she wasn't dreaming anymore. Lou slowly opened her eyes and met Buck's, causing her to gasp in shock. He was looking at her as if she was the only woman in the world. It scared her, she couldn't go through that again … she couldn't risk that dream coming true. She pulled away from him. "Alright I'm up. Can you step out please so I can get dressed?"

Buck pulled his hand back, his face hardening as he hid the hurt he felt at Lou pulling away from him. He gave her a little smile before getting to his feet. "Yeah … I'll wait for you outside."

Lou watched him leave; as soon as the door closed she started crying. She wanted to stay with Rachel, Teaspoon, and Polly. She didn't want to go to Oregon. She wanted to stay with family. But she also didn't want to stay. There were too many memories of Kid here. She'd never be able to truly start over if she stayed in Rock Creek. Plus if she stayed she'd have to give up Buck. She knew that's what she should do, she couldn't let him in, she couldn't risk being hurt, but she just couldn't give him up … not yet.

Buck stepped outside of Rachel's little house and went over to his horse. He rested his head on the side of the horse's neck and sighed.

"You know something, Buck… that girl has been through some powerful hurt. Her spirit has been cracked in a lot of places. She's built walls up around her heart and is terrified of letting people in. She's afraid she isn't good enough anymore, that she isn't worth being wanted. She's afraid of losing herself and her heart all over again. She's afraid of being hurt. You have to help her to trust again. She'll push you away but you have to keep coming back. She may not be ready to hear the words but sometimes actions speak louder anyway," Rachel said from behind him.

Buck turned to look at the woman standing there in her nightgown with nothing but a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. "What if she doesn't want me, Rachel? I was so set on telling her everything and she pulled away from me. I could almost see the wall being built up between us."

"Buck, honey, you got to trust me on this. Lou wants you … she may not realize just yet just how much she cares for you but she will. She may push you away but it's to protect herself from the hurt she thinks she'll get if she lets you past those walls. You can't let her. Just be yourself, Buck, keep doing the things I know you always did to tell her of your feelings. When she finally admits it to herself that she loves you, there won't be nothing that can keep you apart," Rachel said quietly putting her hand to his cheek.

"When did you get to be so smart, Rachel?" Buck asked with a slight smirk.

Rachel laughed, "I'm not so smart, Buck… I just know how Lou feels. I've been there before. That's how I felt before I met my Henry. Henry had to woo me for a long time before I finally let him past my defenses. It's a good thing you're patient, Buck, because you are going to need every bit of patience you have."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Buck muttered just before Lou came out of the house.

Lou stepped out onto the porch and took in the sight of Rachel in her night clothes talking to Buck. The fact that they both stopped talking when she came out set her teeth on edge, she felt like she was missing something and she didn't like it.

Rachel walked over to Lou and pulled her into a hug. "I wish you could stay here, but I know you need a fresh start. I've missed you so much; promise me you'll stay in touch this time. I don't think I could take losing you again."

"I promise Rachel, I wish I could stay too… I just can't," Lou cried against Rachel's shoulder.

Rachel kissed the top of Lou's head. "Let him in Lou, please," She whispered.

"I can't," Lou whispered back tears filling her eyes.

Rachel just shook her head as she let Lou go. She turned and leaned against a post as she watched Lou walk over to Buck who helped her into the wagon before climbing up next to her, his horse tied to the back. She hugged herself as they both waved goodbye and began to pull away. Rachel felt the tears roll down her cheeks as she watched the distance eat the wagon holding her riders.

"Let him in Lou … let him in," She whispered into the still morning before turning back to go inside.

Lou forced herself to sit as straight as a board as they left Rachel's yard. She had to fight the urge to lean into Buck's side and cry over leaving Rock Creek again. She had to resist the part of herself that wanted to close the distance between them on the seat. She wanted to do as Rachel said and let Buck in … she just couldn't, she couldn't open herself up to that kind of hurt again.

As they neared the group of wagons Lou spotted Teaspoon waiting for them. Buck parked the wagon at the beginning of the line and then climbed down helping Lou down behind him. They both walked over to Teaspoon who was holding a basket in his hands.

"Polly sent some food," Teaspoon said holding the basket out.

Lou took it and set it down beside her before reaching around Teaspoon's waist and holding him tightly. Teaspoon put his arms around her and held her just as tightly. "Teaspoon … I … I …" Lou cried hugging him.

"I know baby girl … I love you too … you've always been a daughter to me … it's done this old man's heart good to see you again … to see both of you again," Teaspoon said stepping back so he could see Lou and Buck's faces.

"I'm going to miss you Teaspoon," Lou said quietly.

"Me too honey, me too," Teaspoon stated patting her cheek.

He turned to Buck and held out his hand. Buck took it and was pulled into a hug. "You take care of her, son," Teaspoon whispered.

"With my life, always," Buck said quietly.

"Ride safe … both of you."

With one last hug for them both, Teaspoon mounted up and rode away, tears falling down his weathered face. Buck put his arm around Lou's shoulders as they watched him ride off, as soon as Teaspoon was out of sight Lou pulled away and picked up the basket of food he had brought them. Buck watched her walk away and sighed. He knew what Rachel told him was probably the truth but it still hurt for her to pull away. They had been getting so close before Rock Creek, but now it seemed they were further apart than they had been to begin with. Rachel was definitely right about one thing … it was a good thing he was patient, he was going to need every bit of patience he possessed to break down Lou's walls.

Rachel had told him to be himself, to keep doing the things he had always done to let Lou know his feelings … Buck snorted, yeah that had worked all those years ago, but then again he didn't have Kid to compete with this time… Buck smiled; he wasn't giving up. He'd do everything he could to show Lou he cared and when she was ready to let him in, he'd be there.