A/N: I just want to get this over with. I included a nice little Prologue this time from last times attempt at a second chapter in one day. Enjoy!

April 7th 2010

Prologue

1800 hours

Went for alcohol. Could only find Peach Wine. Mixed it with Strawberry Kiwi juice.

Think I just set my intestines on fire…

On a more pleasant note, there is no chapter 40. Tara, it seems, got a tinsy bit confused, so we skip to chapter 41.

This is, perhaps, the best gift the author could have given us – one less turd to pile onto the shit that's already been dished out.

1902

I can't do this. It's too fucking stupid.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Almost five weeks later…

May 12th, 2010

1016 hours

Chapter 41 or 42 or something or other. Whatever.

1017

Just noticed the abundance of 1's after the exclamation points. Guess the author was just so fucking excited she couldn't keep her fingers on the shift key…

This could explain the atrocious grammar and spelling. Maybe the author was caught up in a berserker like rage and just couldn't contain herself.

I'm laughing now because I have a mental picture of some chick sitting behind a keyboard pounding on the keys like an overly enthusiastic five year old scream 'Die Bitches! Die!' and then rubbing her hands together and chuckling like an evil Mr. Burns 'This is going to be so awesome!'

Ugh, I can't think. This fic makes me so fucking stupid.

1020

She's back in Tim again.

Who's Tim?

Seriously, though, kudos to the author. At least this time she told us we were shifting time zones.

1021

I'm sensing a major wardrobe malfunction, which is great. I'm having a major brain malfunction right now.

1023

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?"

Normally…aw, fuck it. There's nothing normal about this fic.

1024

Time toner's I'm familiar with, but what is this Time machine of which you speak? And can I borrow it?

I have several individuals I'd like to permanently maim in order to prevent your future existence…

1026

"Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad is doing."

My eyes skipped over this and then my brain went 'WTF?'

I read the sentence wrong, it turns out.

I thought Voldemort was saying 'Come on now, lets go chow down on Hairy legs.'

1027

Indogoally. Huh?

And the headache returns as the perfect excuse for doing anything bat-shit-insane-crazy-completely-OOC and not to mention monumentally stupid!

Maybe the author had a headache while writing this fic…maybe this fic is a headache. Maybe the headache was actually the authors split personality and this is a chronicle of their life.

That being the case…excuse me for a moment.

1031

(Sidenote: I live in a house with three dogs, two of whom have brains the size of pinheads. They were barking at nothing and driving me nuts so I had to go be mean to them.)

Where was I?

Right. The author's split personality.

Fuck it.

Hopefully by now someone has discovered her condition and steps have been taken to eradicate the blight from the face of humanity.

1034

Hedwig…my how you've grown…and evolved…

1035

So Harry's owl was Voldemort's boyfriend.

No wonder VD wants Harry dead…he stole his love owl.

1036

The Grate Hall, like this fic, is really grating to my nerves.

Bad joke! Bad joke! Oh god, my brain…it's leaking out my ears.

1037

Since James tried to shoot Lucian, they're sons will no longer be friends.

…so the past selves are aware of the future selves and the future selves are aware of the past selves.

And Lucian is apparently really upset that his son won't be friends with the boy who killed his dark lord.

1040

KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!

Oh God! My brain! My brain!

I can't unsee what I just read. It's imprinted on the back of my eyeballs now.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

1042

So naturally Hogwarts infirmary has pictures of Marlyin Munzon on the wall, Marilyn Manson's father, as well as pictures of the Beatles gone goth in 1980.

Were the Beatles even still together in the eighties?

Just an interesting note, she mentions the band Panic at the Disco, and I love how she has the first word like this: panic?

In a way, I feel like it's a warning…

And everybody wears black cloves because their Satanists.

And because she has no real concept of inside voices, Enoby/Ebony screams out the realization that she's back in Tim again!

Suddenly Satan…is given an explanation. It's important to note here that the author actually makes it a point to point out that Satan and Voldemort are the same person.

Words escape me. I literally have nothing to say in response.

So moving on…

Voldimort is wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz.

Fashion victim, Hel-lo.

Now all he needs are high heels and he could make the bitchest Drag Queen ever…

This fashion train wreck naturally makes Enoby/Ebony so hot she almost has an orgy.

Please, God, no. We've been punished enough with the one on one sex scenes. Don't make us live through an entire group of bumbling idiots putting their you-know-whats you-know-where.

Just as a side thought, I'm curious if the author is aware that boys don't have vaginas. I know she knows girls don't get erections, but does she realize there's only one way for a guy to put his thingy in another guy?

Well, two, actually, but the first one…

Well, maybe all this time everybody's been getting blow jobs.

Ulgh. Geez.

Excuse me while I go throw up.

That was the worst mental trip ev-er.

So she slits her wrist and time travels.

That…just plain sucks.

Why can't she just die like a normal person would?

Since she's a vampire, she can't die from a bullet. Insert the leg chewing line here.

Indigoally. Still don't know what that means.

So Enoby/Ebony is upset that James shot at Luciious, even though he was possessed at the time, but she doesn't want good ol' VD to know that.

O-kay.

Oh, but it's okay, VD says. He was under a lot of stress and had a headache.

I'm really curious now as to what the author does when she has a headache. If shooting people is an acceptable form of stress relief, I wonder how many bodies she has buried in her backyard?

So because James didn't shoot Lucian, he now has two arms instead of one.

WHEN THE FUCK DID HE NOT HAVE TWO ARMS?

Oi vay.

And Enoby/Ebony's mad sexy bi-guy finding skills make a reappearance.

Everybody…meet Hedwig, VD's ex boyfriend and Harry's former owl.

Even if he's human now, doesn't this sort of count as bestiality?

So even though he's hot, Enoby/Ebony demands angrily to know who he is because she doesn't know who he is.

Oh, God. The logic of this fic is just so goddamned bad I don't have the energy to comment on it anymore.

So after VD introduces the former owl, Enoby/Ebony greets him seductively even though she's not trying to be.

Delusional. Split Personality. Quite possibly Schizophrenic.

"Lol, hi Enoby."

Internet speak, spoken out loud.

I forgive you, Hedwig. It's not your fault you used to be an owl and now are the forced object of VD and Enoby/Ebony's sexual attentions.

I pity you. Really, I do.

And he runs away because he has hair of magical creature.

Well, actually, those are feathers…

Blink three times fast. Why?

Because I said so…

So Satan's sad because he and Hedwig used to date and Enoby/Ebony totally knows how to get them back together again using her magic iPod which magically appeared in her pocket.

And Hedwig makes a reappearance from his class because Enoby/Ebony told him to forget about it and because he's a former owl he can hear her perfectly fine.

So they head to the Grate Hall where Lucian, James, Serious, and Snake are waiting and arguing.

Lucian won't talk to James, but he apparently has no problem yelling at him.

The author spelled douche right! Wow!

Snape tells Samaro to go fuck himself, but he's lying because it was actually his fault Lucian had almost been shot.

That's…right? Maybe?

I don't know, I don't remember, and most importantly, I no longer give a shit.

So Enoby/Ebony tells them to be quiet and her plan is working out great which is great because I haven't seen a plan yet.

I really, really, really think the author is schizophrenic. This totally reminds me of the video shown in my Psych class of the chick who thought General Motors was controlling her through the eagle and the postal service.

Confused?

Welcome to the wonderful world of Schizophrenia.

Still confused?

Go back to the beginning of this fic and try to follow the plot and the one question on your mind should be…what plot?

So Enoby/Ebony tells VD and Hedwig to start making out while filming them with the iPod, which is "Kool" according to Serious.

And they make out while everybody watches and naturally everybody is a bit bi, except for Snape who was really bi.

Hedwig's glock touches Voldimorts, which is great. Considering all the body parts they could have possibly been touching each other with, I appreciate that it's guns and not more personal bits that are making contact.

It makes for better mental health.

And then they stop because…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris enter!

1115

When I close my eyes and think of this fic, I feel like I've been sucked into a vortex of stupid.

I'm thinking of taping my eyes open…