DOPPELGANGERS
A League of Legends Fan Fiction Play
By Cavebear
Dramatis Personae ACT IV
Andrei, a magical technician
Gotfrid, Andrei's supervisor
Jarvan IV, Prince of Demacia, a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jericho Swain
Jericho Swain, Grand General of Noxus, a League of Legends champion, enemy to Jarvan IV
Gangplank, Pirate King, a League of Legends champion
Sarah Fortune, a bounty hunter and pirate chaser, a League of Legends champion
Taric, a knight, a League of Legends champion
Katarina, Assassin of Noxus, a League of Legends champion, in love with Garen
Garen Crownguard, a League of Legends champion, in love with Katarina
Luxanna Crownguard, a League of Legends champion, sister to Garen
Shyvana, Chamberlain, a League of Legends champion, bodyguard to Jarvan
Vayne, a Demacian warrior, a League of Legends champion
Ashe, Queen of the Freljord, a League of Legends champion
Tryndamere, King of the Freljord, a League of legends champion, husband to Ashe
Berit, a shield-maiden, Ashe's body servant
Vi, a League of Legends champion
Jinx, a League of Legends champion
King Jarvan, King of Demacia, father to Jarvan
Doctor, the Royal Physician
Scene:
Act I—The Halls of Justice
Act II—The Demacian Royal Palace
Act III—The Demacian Royal Palace
Act IV—The Demacian Royal Palace
[Act IV Scene One]
Main Hall of the Demacian Royal Palace—Andrei, Ashe, Berit, Fortune, Garen, Gotfrid, Katarina, King Jarvan, Lux, Shyvana, Swain, Tryndamere, Vayne and Guards
[Enter Andrei and Gotfrid]
Andrei: "Shit! This doesn't look good."
Gotfrid: "No it doesn't, but all is not lost."
Andrei: "One of our men was discovered. What makes you think Gangplank won't spill his guts about the whole affair?"
Gotfrid: "He's stubborn."
Andrei: "You make it sound so bloody simple. Tryndamere is off in a big sulk, having nothing further to do with the diplomatic process. His signature is required on any treaty, so without him the whole visit of state is a waste. We could have stayed at home and done bugger-fuck-all for the same effect."
Gotfrid: "Our efforts were not a complete waste of time."
Andrei: "Mine were. I was this close to getting laid."
Gotfrid: "Didn't you spend an enchanted evening with the self-proclaimed 'most beautiful blonde in Demacia'?"
Andrei: "True. That was better than nothing. And Swain—I mean Taric—did pick up the tab for the dinner. I had forgotten about that. So, you're right, our efforts were not a complete waste of time."
Gotfrid: "Taric managed to avoid getting himself discovered while acting as Swain, and he did likely save Ashe's life. That counterbalances the fact that he seems to have been a willing participant in whatever Noxian chicanery is afoot."
Andrei: "If Ashe had died we had been well and truly sodomised. The Demacians are also allowing him to help heal Gangplank, that is nice of them."
Gotfrid: "What worries me is that if I am not mistaken, impersonating Demacian royalty is a capital crime in Demacia. Gangplank may have escaped being hanged for piracy, only to be beheaded for participating in what was presented to him as a practical joke. I feel that we must do something to help him."
Andrei: "Shit, yes. But what?"
Gotfrid: "Quiet, here come the Demacians with Swain and LeBlanc. Let's withdraw and see how this plays out."
Andrei: "Are you sure that is LeBlanc? Maybe it is the real Sarah Fortune."
Gotfrid: "That might be just as bad or worse. If the Demacians can't blame the Noxians for everything that has been going on, they may start to suspect us."
Andrei: "Bugger."
[Andrei and Gotfrid withdraw. Enter Shyvana, a Mage, a Physician, a Scribe, and Guards with Swain and Fortune]
Swain: "Make this quick, Lady Shyvana. Of exactly what indictable offence am I being accused?"
Shyvana: "You conspired with LeBlanc to impersonate Miss Sarah Fortune…"
Fortune: "I be not LeBlanc, I be the original Sarah Fortune, and I can hardly be accused of impersonating meself."
Shyvana: "…and you pretended to be an invited diplomatic observer when Bilgewater in fact chose not to send a delegate."
Fortune: "I never claimed to be a diplomatic observer, I be here as a freelance journalist. I'll have ye know I often contribute pieces for The Daily Bilge, to supplement me earnings as a bounty hunter."
Shyvana: "I don't believe you, so I have brought a mage and a physician to examine you. We'll soon see whether or not you are a lying Noxian illusionist or not."
Fortune: "By all means, check me out. Ye'll find that me breasts are young and all-natural. LeBlanc may need magic to support and enhance her 200-year-olds, but that's her problem and not me own. However, I do insist that ye should not have me examined here in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of the eyes of the guards and the servants."
Shyvana: "Unfortunately, LeBlanc, we need to keep you in plain sight at all times. Otherwise, you might just try to do one of your little disappearing acts."
Fortune: "Blow me down, I assure ye that I'll not be leaving this place without me guns, which are on yer person, Shyvana dearie. When I finish proving me identity to yer satisfaction, I'll be having them back, if it please ye, or not."
Shyvana: "Sorry, security trumps modesty tonight. We have discovered Gangplank impersonating Jarvan IV, and the real crown prince is nowhere to be found."
Fortune: "Is that why ye have it in for me then? Gangplank is in yer bad books and both of us hail from Bilgewater? Clearly ye have arrested the wrong lass, and let the real troublemaker go free."
Swain: "Don't fret, Miss Fortune. I can assure you that Demacian hospitality toward Noxians is no better."
Fortune: "Is that supposed to reassure me then? Ye and yer tricks are perhaps the very reason the Demacians seem to be mistrusting all foreigners, Mr. Swain, so I cannot thank ye. Proceed then, Dragon-lady, have yer expert lackies search me and scry me as much as ye please, ye'll not find anything hidden in me outfit but genuine Miss Fortune equipment. As ye can plainly see, this outfit is not designed to conceal."
Shyvana: "I thank you for your co-operation. Get to work."
[Fortune is examined by Mage and Physician, with Scribe taking notes]
Andrei: [aside] "My parents wanted me to go to medical school, and now I wish I had. Bugger, that doctor has an agreeable job."
Gotfrid: [aside] "Down, boy. Maybe you should look out the windows at the Piltover airship instead."
Andrei: [aside] "No thanks. What is one mechanical wonder compared to the two wonders of the natural world on display over there? I don't see you looking away."
Gotfrid: [aside] "I'm starting to think you may be right after all. That may just be genuine Miss Fortune equipment and not an illusion."
Andrei: [aside] "Hey, sod off. I am occasionally right, you know."
Gotfrid: [aside] "Quiet, they'll hear us."
[Scribe whispers the reports of the experts' findings to Shyvana]
Shyvana: "I don't know how to say this, but it looks like we owe you an apology, Miss Fortune. Somehow we arrested the wrong one. That means that LeBlanc got away. Demacia! We should have arrested both of you."
Fortune: "I'll have me guns now, if ye please."
Swain: "If she is not LeBlanc, then there is no Noxian conspiracy."
Shyvana: "Not so fast! Just because your partner in crime is nowhere to be found does not mean that you, Swain, are innocent. You, Sarah, are free to go."
Fortune: "Don't be surprised if me coverage of this event is less than flattering to Demacia. I be sure the readers of The Daily Bilge will be interested to know how citizens of our city-state are treated here in the so-called Jewel of Valoran."
Shyvana: "I'd be interested to learn the number of readers you think you have, as I was under the impression that most inhabitants of Bilgewater cannot read."
Fortune: "Oh, if only I had a good stiff double-rum in me hand right now…"
Swain: "Let me guess: Lady Shyvana would soon be wearing it, am I right?"
Fortune: "Exactly right, dearie."
Swain: "May I go now?"
Shyvana: "No. So long as Prince Jarvan is missing, we will be holding you as prime suspect."
Swain: "You have no evidence. If I am not released by sunrise, consider yourself at war with Noxus. Can you afford to have that decision upon your head, Dragon-lady?"
Shyvana: "King Jarvan would have my head if I let you go with his beloved son still missing."
Swain: "I'm sure he is around here somewhere…perhaps in some beautiful young lady's bedchamber?"
Shyvana: "I care not, so long as he is safe."
Swain: "Really? How open-hearted of you, Shyvana. I am impressed. So, you would be relieved to see him again, even were he to reveal that he had been spending quality time with Luxanna Crownguard?"
Shyvana: "Grrr. I don't know whom I hate more, you or Katarina. By the way, where is your precious familiar?"
Swain: "Probably socialising in the Royal Aviary. Learning some choice Demacian curses from the parrots, no doubt. Hah hah."
Shyvana: "Not funny. Please do feel free to be quiet, Swain."
Swain: "That's General Swain to you, Lady."
Shyvana: "When I see Quinn and Valor, I'll have a little suggestion for them that might make you most unhappy."
Swain: "Oh, I'm crying. By the time anyone reaches the Aviary, my friend will already be back in the safety of the Noxian Embassy."
Shyvana: "I am almost hoping that we will soon be at war, so that I can kill you again and again on the Fields of Justice."
Swain: "You can certainly dream."
[Enter King Jarvan with Garen, Lux, and Guards. Enter Vayne with Katarina and Soldiers]
Garen: "LONG LIVE THE KING!"
Guards: "Long live the King!"
[King Jarvan sits on a throne]
King Jarvan: "We see an enemy in my hall. Protocol grants this man diplomatic immunity, and bids us welcome him to Demacia. However, if he has committed a crime during his stay, then his immunity is null and void. Grand General Jericho Swain, Demacia greets you."
Swain: "King Jarvan III of Demacia, Noxus greets you. I trust you are in good health?"
King Jarvan: "Never better. Have you been enjoying this visit of state?"
Swain: "Yes, the entertainment is first rate. I must admit, I had not thought that Demacia needed allies. Is the famous Demacian pride in her traditions no longer strength enough to protect you?"
King Jarvan: "Demacia's military traditions are equally as worthy as those of Noxus, and our army is larger. We need no allies, but wisdom and prudence suggest that we consider all of our diplomatic options carefully. In any case, whether we ally with the Freljord or not, we do not need a major war, and neither do you."
Swain: "Quite correct, Your Majesty."
King Jarvan: "Nevertheless, any plot by Noxus against the life of our son will be considered casus belli. We do not wish for a war with Noxus, but neither do we fear one. Lady Shyvana, has this man confessed to kidnapping my son the Crown Prince?"
Shyvana: "He has not, Your Majesty."
Swain: "Obviously."
King Jarvan: "Is there any evidence, however circumstantial, linking him to any crime?"
Shyvana: "Not at the moment. That does not mean that there is none. Perhaps some evidence will come to light in time."
Swain: "Hope springs eternal."
King Jarvan: "We have been informed that an imposter has been impersonating our son. How long has this imposter been deceiving us?"
Shyvana: "We don't know for sure, but quite possibly since his return from the Institute of War."
King Jarvan: "We assume that this impostor is working for the Noxians?"
Swain: "Certainly not."
Shyvana: "The impostor, commonly known as Gangplank, claims that he did what he did as a practical joke."
King Jarvan: "We are not laughing, and soon neither will he be. We suggest that you interrogate him more forcefully."
Shyvana: "Gangplank is himself a head of state, Your Majesty. To submit him to anything that could be construed as torture would be setting a dangerous precedent."
King Jarvan: "True. Frustrating though it is, we cannot coerce the truth from his lips. However, impersonating a member of the Demacian royal family is a capital crime. We cannot torture him, but we can execute him."
Fortune: "Your Majesty!"
King Jarvan: "Who is this impudent woman who interrupts us?"
Shyvana: "This is Miss Sarah Fortune, a sometimes representative of the City-state of Bilgewater, and compatriot of Mr. Gangplank."
King Jarvan: "What do you wish to say, young lady?"
Fortune: "Gangplank is a stubborn man. Ye won't get any information out of him. However, I might be able to persuade him to co-operate with ye, if ye will spare his life."
King Jarvan: "We cannot make such a promise. If Demacia's favourite son is lost to us, the country herself will cry out for blood."
Fortune: "Your Majesty, please allow me to talk to me countryman."
King Jarvan: "Lady Shyvana, we will allow this. If there is any chance that this self-styled practical joker has information that we need, we must take the chance."
Shyvana: "As you wish, Your Majesty."
[Trumpet fanfare. Enter Ashe, wrapped in a cloak, followed by Berit and Tryndamere]
Berit: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Queen Ashe and King Tryndamere!"
King Jarvan: "Welcome, Your Majesties."
Ashe: "Thank you very much, Your Majesty."
Vayne: "I didn't expect to see either of you again any time soon. No hard feelings?"
Ashe: "No, everything is correct."
Tryndamere: "Ashe and I have reconciled. I have forgiven her."
Vayne: "I am impressed, King Tryndamere. And are you willing to resume the diplomatic process?"
Tryndamere: "Indeed I am."
Shyvana: "However did you get him to forgive you? You shot your own husband in the arm with an arrow."
Ashe: "My husband has a very high pain threshold. It didn't bother him that much."
Tryndamere: "Certainly it bothered me. Not the pain, but the principle. Nobody likes to be shot by his nearest and dearest. So, the fact that I wasn't badly wounded, that's not the real reason we are reconciled. Show them, Ashe."
Ashe: "Must I, honey?"
Tryndamere: "I insist."
Ashe: "Very well."
[Ashe removes her cloak, revealing that she is dressed only in a furry bikini, furry high-heeled boots, and her royal tiara]
Tryndamere: "How do you like the curves?"
Berit: "It's not polite to gloat, Your Majesty."
Garen: "Demacia!"
Lux: "So that's what the competition looks like."
Andrei: "Bugger, Tryndamere is a lucky sod."
King Jarvan: "Very classy."
Tryndamere: "See. I told you that's what people would think."
Ashe: "The things one does for the sake of good diplomatic relations…"
Vayne: "Tryndamere, you are a jerk."
Tryndamere: "You are just jealous that you wouldn't look half as sexy in a bikini."
Vayne: "I should have shot you in the heart instead of Ashe."
Tryndamere: "We should call you Heartseeker Vayne. Obsessed with hearts, you must be a lonely heart yourself. Don't worry, girl, somewhere there is the perfect man for you."
Vayne: "If that barbarian doesn't shut the hell up, I am going to have to kill him. Permission to patrol the grounds, Lady Shyvana?"
Shyvana: "Granted. Take your time—can't be too safe. See if you can't locate the observers from Piltover and Zaun."
Vayne: "Yes ma'am. Thank you ma'am. Your Majesty."
[Exit Vayne. Exit Fortune. Enter Jarvan]