I didn't expect so many reviews! Thanks a lot, guys! I'm sooo sorry this took so long to update, by the way. Life is just…busy…lame excuse, I know. But it's true. Also, the last chapter should've been "Chapter 13", so it was a typo. My bad!

confessions of a teenager in denial

Chapter 14:

my heart is barely beating, baby

--

I was officially in the worst, most miserable stage in my entire life.

And I had been through a lot: the neglected and lonely feeling I had felt during my childhood and even my teen years from my parent's absence, the hidden pain I felt when I heard Danny talk about Paulina, the even worse pain I felt while Danny was dating Paulina, the slight emptiness in my chest while dating Parker, and the misery and sadness after me and Danny's fight.

So yes, I have experienced pain before.

And right now, sitting alone on one of those lame ski lifts, trying to adjust my hat and gloves and watching all the couples and happy people all around me. Watching Danny, who still refused to speak to me, and Tucker and Dash who had distanced themselves from me.

But I really had no one to blame but myself; and I could not even blame Paulina, this time. I had been the one hell-bent on revenge, I was the one who just couldn't let things be. I screwed everything up.

I just didn't know how to fix it.

It was the second day of the Annual Ski Trip, and the cold and snow just made me feel even more miserable. Everyone seemed to get closer at this time, and I was still alone.

On top of that, I couldn't even do the Plan anymore. Paulina had been the one who forced Elliot to ask me on a date, and I had been foolish enough to believe that Elliot knew about the Plan. I pretty much took whatever Danny and I had and ripped it up, throwing it away without any way of retrieving it.

To be completely honest, I. Was. Fucked.

I hopped off the ski lift at the right time, stumbling a little and hardly caring enough to stop myself from falling down. Things kept on getting worse from here, and it had gotten to the point that I felt physically sick; I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I certainly couldn't smile. If I did eat, I just threw it up later. I was always cold, even huddled underneath five blankets and sitting in front of a blazing fire.

And when I looked into the mirror, I could see that my skin much, much paler that normal, and the dark purple circles just below my eyes. I didn't bother with make-up anymore, I just didn't care.

I was thinking about how to make things right again, though…and maybe getting possible revenge. I was so screwed up and hopeless, why not think of a completely different Plan? It couldn't get worse, for sure. Things surely couldn't do anything but go up from here.

But of course, I was wrong. Like usual.

--

There was a party tonight.

It was one of those secret, un-chaperoned parties with alcohol and all; parties I usually didn't attend because they were so overrated. But it was taking place in the girls' cabin, and I was definitely not leaving. So yes, it sucked that there were about 3 couples in the room I shared with some classmates, making-out. I was just sitting on the couch, alone, holding a half-drank cup of rum and coke.

And of course, I hardly ever drank alcohol.

So there was definitely something wrong with me.

I felt the couch dip as someone sat next to me, too close to be a stranger. I turned my head slowly, glancing at the person sitting next to me.

Parker Thompson was smiling, his eyes sparkling as he caught the shocked and awed expression on my face. I could see the small falter in his smile as he took in my appearance; of how ragged and horrible I know I looked. But he didn't say anything.

"What are you doing here?!" I practically yelled, turning my whole body to face him.

He shrugged casually. "Why would I miss this?" He gestured to the party going on around us. "It's…great fun." I raised a brow, not believing a word he said. His smile then almost disappeared completely, and he shot me a sympathetic look. "And…Tucker told me what happened. I came here to -"

I stiffened, my face becoming a cold, hard mask; totally void of emotion. I turned away from him. "I'm fine. I don't need your help."

"Is that so?" He smirked.

I looked down at the cup in my hands. "Yes. I don't need anyone's help." I whispered.

And now I couldn't help but question myself: Who was I kidding, anymore? Everyone could see how broken up I was, so why lie?

"I don't believe that." He stated quietly. He leaned closer to me, attempting to put his arm around me.

I shot up from the couch with the most enthusiasm I've had in a long time, and set my cup down on the coffee table beside me. "It's okay, Parker, really. I really appreciate you wanting to help me, but I'm fine. It's not necessary. I really wish…Tucker…he shouldn't have called you. It's not as bad as everyone thinks."

He knew everything I was saying was total bullshit, just by the way I was very, very close to tears and how I wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Sam-"

"I have to go." I interrupted abruptly, running off once again.

I couldn't let Parker do this. I didn't deserve such a friendship like his, I didn't deserve any help whatsoever. I made my bed, and now I was lying in it. I was paying my dues for the mess I had made. And besides, I hurt everyone who got close to me. I hurt Dash, I hurt Danny, I hurt Tucker, and I hurt Parker. From here on out, I would just distance myself from human contact, because I just made everything worse, anyways.

Now, outside in the freezing cold without proper attire, I wrapped my arms around myself and made my way to the payphone only a few yards away from the cabin; for "emergencies only."

This was an emergency, alright.

I dug a few quarters out of my pocket and put them, dialing the number slowly.

"Hello?"

"Mom?"

"Sam, is that you? Why are you calling? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I shook my head, sniffing. "Yeah, it's me." I avoided all the other question, I didn't want her to know how bad off I was.

"How are you, honey?"

I shrugged and sniffed again. I couldn't even stop the tears from falling, now. I just truly hoped they didn't freeze on my face. That's just how cold it was. "I'm okay."

Lie, after lie, after lie. Do you believe me, mom?

"Are you sure?" I'll take that as a no.

"…no. But I will be."

She sighed. "Oh Sammy. I'm sorry."

I couldn't stop it then. I let out a strangled sob, trying to hold back the worst of my tears so my mother wouldn't hear. But I know she knew, because I wasn't doing a very good job at hiding it. My whole body shook, a mixture of my sobs and the cold. I looked up to see a few snow flakes start to fall and land in my dark hair. Just wonderful.

"I want to go home." I felt like such a child.

"You can do this, Sam. You're a trooper. You're strong. You'll find a way to fix everything, I just know it."

And as I continued to listen to my mother's encouraging words and crying out to absolutely no one, an idea had suddenly formed in my head.

It was time to stop playing around.

And Paulina was going down.

For real, this time.

--

I was sick. I knew it was coming; the combination of the cold and snow and my poor health habits had finally caught to me, and it was a great struggle just getting dressed this morning. My throat was sore, my head was pounding, my body ached, and I had a raging fever. I took medicine every few hours, but what I really needed was antibiotics and a few days of rest.

But I was on a mission, and no one was going to stop me now.

"Parker, I need your help." I coughed, trying to keep myself looking composed…and un-sick. I thought I had been doing a good job at it, until I spoke.

His eyes widened as he gazed at me. "Sam, no offense, but you look horrible." I shrugged, not even coming up with a witty retort like usual. "But yes, I will help you." He smiled.

"It's about Paulina." He nodded. "And Danny." He nodded again.

"I know. What do I need to do?"

I really hated asking Parker to help me, but if I wanted things to change, I would have to suck it up. Parker was my only exception, and if things went right with Plan B, then I would definitely be more careful with relationships and such, because there was no way I was going to screw everything once they were okay again.

If they were ever okay again, that is.

"Okay, first, I need you to get Paulina alone. Tell her you need to show her something, or talk to her or whatever. I don't really care, just get her alone. Can you do that?" I sniffed and felt my forehead. My fever felt like it was getting worse. My head throbbed painfully. He nodded again.

"Sure can, when are we doing this?"

I forced a smile.

"You busy right now?"

He shook his head slowly, a wary look in his eyes.

The smile became more real after a moment, and I felt suddenly mischievous and particularly evil. "Good. Let's go."

--

I coughed. I tried to make it discreet, but it totally didn't work. It kinda made me look like I was dying, or something, Hell, I felt like I was dying, so what did it matter?

I was almost excited to get Paulina back for all that she had done to me. I mean…she was pretty much the number one reason for my pain (besides myself), right? Right. So that means she would just have to go. Like now.

I could see Danny. He was with Tucker, glaring at everything and ignoring Paulina. She knew about us, of course. Starr had seen Elliot and I at the movies and basically told the whole school that Danny and I had either broken up, or I was cheating on him. They believed the former, of course. Paulina was making a lot of advances on Danny, now, which was exactly what supposed to happen in the original Plan, and it was expected.

So far, so good.

Now, Plan B was just this: I was to somehow get myself in trouble, danger, or injure myself somehow (but make it look real, duh) and then Parker would save/help me, getting Danny/Phantom jealous and throwing a fit (like usual) and then…that will totally ruin Paulina.

Perfect, right?

But basically I'll have total déjà vu, you know…with the Pier incident after all. Not fun, but it's just another sacrifice. I was used to those.

And before, I had been positive the Plan would work, but now I'm thinking that earlier I was completely delirious and this was effing crazy.

But I had to go through with it now, I couldn't just go back…

I planned on "injuring" myself by "falling" off the ski lift. Maybe "getting my leg stuck" and "pulling a muscle." I couldn't think of anything else that would be better, so now I was sitting in the ski lift, now, almost ready to make a second run…I was too chicken to actually pretend to injure myself, because I was a little afraid of actually hurting myself.

Someone would probably get on the lift with me, but I was hoping no one would. Maybe I could take up as much room as I could to make it look unavailable -

PLOP.

Too late, someone was sitting next to me.

No, not just someone…

Paulina.

--

Who did you think it would be, Danny? I admit, he was my first choice…but I have plans for the next chapter. REVIEW!