Thanks for reviews! Sorry for the delay, but this chapter was remade many times. But lease, enjoy it and review!

14

Look at you, you little bitch! Dancing around like you're some sorta star, picking and choosing as if the world is yours. You're such an asshole, taking advantage of your brothers and sister and treatin' 'em like they're your little slaves. That ain't how shit works around here, dumbass! You think you're so special, that you can be treated like royalty just because of your stupid mental disorder! Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Suicidal thoughts; they're all just a figment of your imagination! You're trickin' yourself inta' believing that you're mentally ill and unstable and I think we both know the truth; you're completely utterly fine! So, quit playin' you're stupid mind games and be fucking great fun for what you have!

I grip the bathroom counter, my body beginning to tremble. No, not this again, anything but this.

They're my family, and I love them. So get out of my damn head and leave me be! I'm depressed and I suffer from suicidal thoughts and I have anxiety and a bad case of insomnia. That ain't my fault, eitha'. Listen, I'm trying ta get better, for them! For my brothers, for my father, for my sister, for my girlfriend, and for my best friend. But you here, you seem to think that you can just waltz on in here and throw shot at me like I'm just gonna take it. News flash, buddy, I ain't no punchin' bag!

The voices scream, arguing with each other. The first voice thinks I'm wretched and vile, while the second things I'm beautiful and blooming. The voices are yelling back and forth, practically tearing me into two different people. Half of me is raging like the fire burning in my soul, while my other half is blossoming into the angel that April somehow sees in me. Only, this isn't just your ordinary 50/50 debate, no, because there isn't a peacefulness in between, and there most certainly isn't any time for thinking or picking sides. So, I just stand here, staring at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, clutching the cool marble counter in support of my shaking body. My trembling earthquake form.

The voices...what do they want from me...one wants death while another wants peace...but which do I choose? I need to talk to someone. I need to get this off of my chest. But..who can I go to? Not Donnie, no, he doesn't need all of this extra pressure and work. Not Mikey, he's fragile and happy. I don't want my depression to turn my baby brothers ball of sun into a cloudy day. But I can't go to Leo, either, he'll just force me to drink some honesty tea and then spill my guts. Karai won't due, me and her aren't too close yet. And most certainly not April. I want her to look at me as a lover, not as some weak pest. So then...who can I talk to?

My father.

Yes! Yes, that's probably the most brilliant idea I've come up with in a long time.

I take a washcloth from the closet and put it under the cold faucet, wetting the small towel. I take the square cloth with its torn up edges and bring it to my face. I wash the exhaustion out of my eyes and try to forget about my mistakes and failures in life.

Come on, Raph, we just gotta go out there and eat a quick breakfast with your family and then you can talk to Splinter about your problem and then you can do your chores and then you can sit around and do nothing while everyone else has fun...

What has my life come to?! It's the same damn thing every day. Breakfast, training, chores, nothing, therapy, a bit of free time, sleep. Over and over and over and over. So...why do I continue to live?

Ugh! Just shut the fuck up and go out there to eat your breakfast, it ain't all that hard!

With those thoughts in mind, I unlock the bathroom door and make my way towards my family.

In the kitchen, my siblings are all seated next to each other at the island, talking rather loudly. I take my seat at the head of the island, Leonardo sitting straighten across from me with Donnie and Karai at his sides. Next to Don is April and and Mikey sits next to Karai. April glances over at me when I sit down and she smiles at me, making me feel slightly reassured. I try my hardest to smile back, and I'm not very successful. What I give April is a small half smile that only lasts for a couple of seconds before fading.

I look down at my plate made up of two pancakes, two sticks of bacon, and a small portion of eggs. A glass of orange juice sits next to my plate, and I pick up the fork that lays on the other side. I bring my fork down to my plate and force myself to lift up some eggs. I stare at the forkful of food, seemingly puzzled. Come on, just shove it in your mouth and force it down! Just eat your eggs, one of the strips of bacon, half of a pancake and then claim to be full and then you can leave and talk to your father. It isn't that hard! Not at all.

Then why can't I do this? Why is every waking second a living hell? I feel like I'm dragging weights, and with every breath another gets added. I'm never gonna make it through this life..so why bother trying?

My hands, they tremble. My eyes, they're beginning to fill with water. My heart, it's beginning to shatter. My fork, it just dropped with a clatter.

Everyone at the table shuts up and stares at my in question. "Raph...you okay?" Leonardo asks from the other side of the table.

"Ya..ya I'm fine." I push my stool out and stand up, walking out of the kitchen while the others exchange looks of concern.

I'm a fool..just walking out like that. If I was only able to control myself...

But that's just it! You can control yourself. You're just too stuck up and messed up in the head to comprehend that. You're nothing but a drag, both on the team and on the family. They want you gone, so why are you even seeking help?

I stop for a second and just stand there, pondering over the hateful voice inside of my head. Why am I seeking help? I can just leave...and never come back. Yes! Yes, that would be so much better for everyone! For me, my siblings, my father, my girlfriend. I'd be doing everyone a huge favor. Of course leaving is the better option.

I turn my body so that its facing the way out of the lair, and I start walking towards the sewer tunnels. I'm helping, I'm doing the right thing.

No! Stop what you're doing and think! You can't leave, they need you. All for so many different reasons. April needs you here for her right now because she loves you, you're her rock and she enjoys hanging out with you. Karai needs you here because you're the only one of your brothers who finds joy in her activities. Your Father needs you here to help out around the lair, and to be the strength of the team. Your father needs you to help keep everyone together. Michelangelo needs you here because he enjoys your company, and he looks up to you. Donatello needs you here to help him get through this huge mess. Donnie is falling apart, and you may just be the glue. Put him back together.

Leonardo. He needs you here the most, Raph. He loves you more than he portrays, just as you love him. You're closer to him than any of your other siblings. He relies on you to help him manage the team, and he needs you to help him let loose and be the good brother that he is. Recently he's been a little more uptight than usual, his main priority is to be your leader. You're main priority right now should be to show him that being a brother is more important than being a leader. Because Leo seems to have forgotten that. And if you leave he'll never see that what everyone needs right now is a caring brother.

So..you can't go. Not now. Turn around. Go to your father, seek the help that you need. If you can't do this for yourself, than at least do it for your family. Get better.

The second voice is filled with hopefulness and it shows a good point. My family needs me, even if I cut myself I still need to be there for them. So I'm going to turn around, and go to my father. I'm going to get help, and I'm going to get better, for my family.

I walk to the dojo and find my father standing near the large oak tree, examining it's marvelous branches. My father notices me when I'm half way towards him and he gives me a questioning look. "Training isn't for another fifteen minutes, why aren't you with your brothers and sister?" In probably the only one he would ask this to. My brothers and sister will sometimes come in here earlier if they finish breakfast up with time to spare. But not me. I spend as much as time as I can out of here. I've never been very found of training, despite my love for ninjutsu and fighting. I think that the reason I hate it so much is because of how dangerous I am. One second it can be a fair spar, but the next second my opponent is on the ground, bloodied and bruised. I've always had this fear, that one day I'm going to go to far, and I'm going to severely injure one of them.

I shift my weight from foot to foot. What do I say? How do I word this? "Sensei, I-er. I..uh..need your help with something...?" My tube of voice makes it sound like I'm asking a question, and I really feel like I am. What am I doing here? I can help myself, right?

Nope. The answer is no. Simple as pie.

My father gives me a curious look, probably trying to figure out what I could possibly need his help with. It's not very often that I come to him for things, around the age of nine I realized that it's easier to just figure your problems out on your own. But now I'm not so sure.

"You're brothers and sister will be in here shortly, can you wait until after training?" Two and a half hours of training. Can I control myself for that long? Probably not, but I don't want to cause my father any stress.

I nod my head. "Yes. Yes, I can wait." I look down at my feet and realize that by waiting I am not only putting more time between me and recovery, but I'm also putting my family in danger. With these voices in my head screaming back and forth I'm finding it hard to contain my anger and keeping my family out of harms reach.

My father places a hand on my shoulder and I look up to find him staring at me with a reassuring smile. I muster up the strength to return the favor. There's an awkward silence in the air, and I'm struggling to breath due to the anxiety that drowns me. "Is there something troubling you, my son?" Master Splinter's tone is caring and helpful. I know that, as long as I have my father on my side, I'll never be completely alone. My Father is the one person that I can trust no matter what the situation is. Well, unless it could get me in trouble, that is.

"No, I'm just very anxious to start today's lesson." My fake smile grows to make the lie seem more believable, even though I know that my father knows that it's a lie.

My father sighs. "Raphael, you do know that you can talk to me about what ever is going on, correct?"

I nod my head vigorously. "If course I know that I can talk to you."

My father looks at me in a peculiar, unexplainable way. He looks at me as if I'm his biggest question, as if I'm a puzzle that he has yet to solve. And I hate to burst his bubble, because I've lost many of the pieces to my puzzle, meaning that I will never again be whole.

"Did you come here to ask me to help you get through...this?" Depends what "this" is. Haha, just kidding, no it doesn't depend on what "this" is because I'm a hot mess no matter what I'm doing.

I shake my head. "No. No I came because I needed some help with my stealth. I've been off of patrol for nearly three weeks now and I don't want to screw up when I get back to patrolling." A reasonable lie, truly.

My father seems to take this, because he simply nods. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it as soon as he sees my siblings and April entering the dojo all in a small pack. I walk over towards them and we all kneel in front of our father. Phew, saved by my classmates.

Classmates...not family...classmates...

"Good morning, my students." Students...not children...students...

"Good morning, Sensei." Me and my classmates say in a chorus. Sensei...not father...Sensei...not father...

These stupid names are messing with my head, what this? Is this a classroom or a home? Are family or peers? I don't think I understand this. I don't think I understand anything. I think..I think I'm lost.

Is the air growing thin or are my lungs getting smaller? Am I living or just breathing? Just breathing..but am I breathing? I'm suffocating..my eyes are going black. I can't think I can't see I can't breathe.

Not my soul, anyway.

Yes, my body is alive. But not my soul.

My Sensei paces in front of me and my peers and I look down at my hands quake from their spots on my knees. My brothers, sister, and girlfriend all look up at Master Splinter as he begins to explain today's lesson, while I on the other hand, am focused on my shaking body.

"Today, we are going to switch things up a bit. Instead of me teaching you something to strengthen you physically, I am going to teach you strengthen yourselves mentally." Wha...? "Boys, do you remember last fall when I had you all shoot arrows at Raphael while he had to not only dodge the physical arrows, but also the verbal arrows?" Wait, are we doing that again? Cause if so, I'm out. Me and my brothers mod our heads in response. "Well, today we are doing something along the lines of that. Each of you will receive a partner that I have chosen for you based off of your relationships and how well you know each other. What you must do, is dual. But, while dueling you will take turns insulting each other."

Me and my siblings and April all exchange looks of confusion. Michelangelo speaks up, voicing everyone's thoughts as one. "Sensei, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, it isn't that hard to just tune out people's words. We can easily just turn off our ears and fight normally."

"That is correct, Michelangelo. But what you want to do is weaken your opponent by throwing insults that will surly hurt them. Hence the reason that I put you with a partner who you have a very close relationship with; because then you will know what you can say to weaken them. Do not feel hesitate to insult your opponent, hurting them is the key to success in this lesson. Do I make myself clear?" This could actually be pretty fun, as long my partner isn't Leo.

A chorus of "Hai, Sensei"'s is said in response and Master Splinter proceeds to giving us our partners.

"Karai and April," okay, I guess I'd rather be with one of my brothers anyway, so not being with Karai or April isn't much of a drag. "Donatello and Michelangelo." Shit, that means I'm with- "Raphael and Leonardo."

Leonardo, who's sitting to my left, looks over at me with a hopeful look, and just after one little glance, I know exactly what he's thinking. He thinks that me and him are gonna grow closer due to this little exercise, that we can be best buds and I'll spill my guts to 'im. He is gonna be as disappointed as hell when he realizes that ain't how this is all gonna play out.

We all stand up and walk over to an open area on the mats. Me and Leo walk over to the opposite side of the tree, the two other groups spreading out from across the dojo. My brother looks over at me and opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. "Don't waste your breath." His mouth closes immediately and he looks forward instead.

Both of us draw our weapons and stand across from each other, just as our Brothers and sister and April. "The youngest of the group will give the insults first, and then vice-versa. The point of this is to ignore the words. As I told Raphael only a few short months ago, 'Let the words wash over you, like river over stone.'" With that said, we all begin.

I lunge at Leonardo and my Sai cling against his Katana. I grin, knowing that this is going to be a piece of cake. "You fight as bad as Mikey." My first insult, not that bad. Pretty simple, but in Leo's eyes it's nothing short of hurtful.

Leonardo dodges my second slash, and but he lands awkwardly after his swift movement, and my legs quickly swing at his, knocking him down to the ground. "How did you even get the role as leader, anyway? Beats me. You lead like that asshole of a captain on your favorite show. What's his name? Captain Brian?"

Leonardo stands back up and wipes the already forming sweat off of his forehead. "His name is Captain Ryan." My brother hisses.

A grin forms on my face as he rushes back at me. I easily dodge his not very thought through attack and I stare at my brother, the perfect mock. "Right, Captain Ryan. You lead exactly like him. With courage, respect, resourcefulness," I go on and on, describing the perfect leader. And with every word spoken, my brother gives me an even more confused look. "But do you remember the series finale? When he made one little mistake, and it let the whole team down? That's gonna be you one of these days, Leo. One day, it'll all just fall apart, and you won't know how to pick it back up." Well, that really infuriated him.

Leonardo is swinging his Katana at me faster than usual, with more force. He runs from one end of the room and jumps up into the air, landing just barely on top of me. I fall to the ground with a scowl on my face. But I'm quickly on my feet again, and me and Leo stand in our starting positions. Leonardo stands a few feet away front of me, studying my posture and face. I know instantly what he's doing; planning an attack.

"I'm just counting down the days till that happens, Fearless." I say referring back to what I had just gotten done telling him. "And do ya wanna know why I'm so positive that it's gonna happen? Because you plan every little move out, like right now. You're planning out the perfect attack in your mind, never thinking of a plan B if everything fails. So one day, it will. And you'll panic. All hell will break loose, and you won't know what to do. You'll fail as our leader, and our brother." This pisses my brother off completely.

He launches into full-blown attack mode, fighting me as if I'm his greatest enemy. His Katana meets my arm, and a small scratch is made. I decide that while we're dealing, I might as well continue. "We'll be dead because you don't know how to fight without thinking. You're a afraid to fight if you don't have some sorta strategy, so when you don't you panic and you shut down. YOU CAN'T DO THAT! You have to learn to fight without strategies; use your heart, not your brain."

"Why is fighting with a strategy so horrible?!" Leonardo snarls at me with gritted teeth, hissing his words.

"Because, like I said, when your plans fail you shut down and forget your main priority. Because you've failed as a leader, you think that you've failed all together. And that's the main problem." I duck just as Leonardo swings at my head, and I thrust my body against Leo's chest, knocking him to ground with a large "oof."

"You've forgotten somethin', Dear Ol' Leader of mine!" I shout at him louder than I should.

Leonardo regains his focus on me and we both stand up, immediately jumping back into battle. "Oh really, and what's that?!" He demands in an equally loud tone.

"That we're your brothers, not just your followers. We're your family, not just your team. That we love you, and that one day, we aren't gonna need a leader anymore, but instead a- BROTHER!" The last word is screamed and I shove Leonardo hard to the ground. My breaths are fast and heavy and I glare at my leader as he lays on the ground, his hands propping him up. I know, in this moment, that I have won.

My eyes wander away from my brother, to see that my Father, brothers, sister, and April have all gathered around to watch the ending of our fierce battle. Everyone in the dojo is silent, and I look at my father as he takes a step forward. "Very good, everyone. Now you will switch rolls with your partner." We all go back to our original spots, and me and Leonardo are once again standing across from each other.

As usual, I make the first move, running at Leonardo with a look of confidence in my eyes. This is gonna be simple. "Making the first move, I see. You only do that because it gives you a head start. Without it you'd lose every battle." That's fucking bullshit, Leo! You and I both know that it's gonna take more than that to break me.

As our battle continues, as does my brothers harsh words. "You're afraid of losing, because you know that if you lose, then you'll be looked at as weak and vulnerable. You hate it when people say that about you because it's true. You're weak, and sick, and you need help. But your too stuck-up and too high up on that little high horse of yours to get down and ask. So you play it tough, hiding your pain behind a look of anger." What the hell is he talking about?! I'm not fucking stuck-up, fucking asshole!

My Sai creates a small scratch on Leonardo's plastron, and I once again knock him clean to the ground. I clench my fits in anger with my brothers words. I do not hide my feelings behind anger!

"But your anger is too much. You're depressed, Raphael. You're suicidal, too. With all of those cuts on your wrists, and all of those lines that escape your lips every single day. You want help, I can see it in your eyes. You're not living, you're surviving. You're not breathing, you're suffocating. You want someone to help you out of this ditch that you've burrowed yourself into, and I can help you! Course, you're too big of an asshole to ask for help, aren't you?" THAT'S IT!

My Sai cuts into Leonardo's upper arm, just as it does each day to my forearm. No butterflies can stop me, no they cannot. Leonardo yelps in pain, but I've only just begun.

I shove my brother to the ground and kick at his sides as he attempts to stand back up. Once he does, my violence just gets worse. I throw myself at Leonardo, pushing him up against the tree. His head slams back, hiding the trunk hard and with full force. Leonardo takes out a Shurkin from his belt and he makes a large gash on my bicep. Angry and hell-bent on beating him, my hands wrap themselves around my brothers throat, choking him, pressing him against the great oak tree as his face begins to grow paler and paler with every passing second.

TBC

...

Every time we lie awake

After every hit we take

Every feeling that I get

But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

...