Chapter 14

"I couldn't find any meaning in my life when I was out there. I'm sure as hell not going to find it in here. This is the grand finale of a life poorly spent and the end result is just overwhelmingly depressing … it's just a sick, pathetic, wretched, miserable life story, that's all it is. How it can help anyone, I've no idea." - Jeffrey Dahmer aka The Milwaukee Monster

Cody watched her closely whilst he slowly walked to the empty chair. Much to everyone's surprise, he seemed almost calm. Agent McMahon was standing next to door while Agent Neidhart and Victoria Varon stood outside and watched them through a glass window.

Nobody was exactly happy about the obvious yet still un-provable blackmail. The reporter knew that the bureau was already barely able to control the press as it was. Having her in the spotlight accusing them to not let her see her supposedly hero would only increase the tension.

Everyone was feeling highly agitated because they didn't even know if she was to be trusted. Maybe she simply wanted access and the profiler would be angered in her presence. What if he was truly crazy? It was a mess the whole thing was a mess and especially Agent McMahon didn't like it one bit.

"Agent Rhodes," Beth greeted him without smiling. Her voice was rasping and her discomfort was noticeable.

Cody, who had the feeling of being awake in a dream only nodded at her. It seemed surreal to him that she was here. Only days ago he had felt her blood on his skin and now she was sipping on a glass of water. He lifted his eyes despite the shame he felt in her presence and stared at her.

Beth looked different than she had before. Her skin was paler, somewhat ash-gray and exhaustion was reflecting from her eyes. She had her hair up in a tight pony-tail, which intensified the sickening sight. It made her look older. Just like Cody was used to he soaked in every detail and noticed the slight trembling of her lips.

He noticed her agitation by the moving of her chest and was aware of her breast straining against her blouse with every deep breath she had to take. Every now and then, she swallowed and it was visible through her facial impression that it hurt her. Cody caressed her with a curious look wondering how deep the cut was.

"You shouldn't be up so soon," he suddenly croaked very quietly.

His words took her off guard she hadn't expected him to speak first. His intense stare made her shift in her seat and she cursed herself for not being able to hide her discomfort. It also reminded her of her helplessness in that dreadful moment. However, she had plan.

In her mind, all nightmares would surely be fading once she would be famous for this story. What Beth hated the most was the compassion she felt. When she had arrived at the FBI Headquarters against the clear judgment of the hospital, she felt strong and confident.

She thought she had everything under control. Her ambition had driven her here because she believed that in order to make this a good story she should meet Cody in person. Her anger and despise however seemed to weaken with his sight. He didn't look like a horrible person but like a little boy.

His hair was sticking away from his head in total chaos. His eyes suffused and blood red filled with tiredness and guilt. It was obvious that he felt uncomfortable around her but his exact emotions were hidden behind a blank stare. He was looking through her façade in a way that took the wind out of her words.

"I'm good thank you for asking," she replied shortly confused over her choice to come here.

"What do you want from me?" Cody asked this in a calm voice. He knew that Kate wasn't here to yell at him or thank him. The profiler in him knew that there was a hidden agenda that the reporter had a plan and he was too tired for small talk.

"Before I go on record with my testimony," she started wanting him to know that she hadn't cleared him officially. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You could just tell them the truth," Cody conquered unwilling to give into her that easily. It was true that he felt incredibly guilty for what had happened between them but he also knew that he didn't make the cut. It had been Jeff who slashed her throat after all.

Beth raised her eyebrow because she was stunned that he seemed not as broken as he looked. She remembered how Jeff had approached him. Locking eyes with him, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and leaned back. "Is that all you have to say to me?"

Cody hated her in that moment. She was trapping him into a corner, forcing him to react. "I'm sorry."

"I woke up in the hospital with your image and for a while I thought you had done this to me. Honestly, it surprised me when I remembered what really went down. Because I absolutely believed you to be guilty."

The profiler took his gaze away and stared at his hands before he whispered. "I understand."

"This is ridiculous," Victoria said directed at Agent Neidhart. "What is she trying to achieve?"

"I want your story. That's why I'm here and you know that," Beth suddenly said and strengthened up.

"You already have it," Cody simply replied not looking up.

"The judge won't like that one bit. You can't let a reporter talk to a suspect before she makes her testimony. They are going to give us a hard time," Agent Neidhart said in professional voice already going through the options how to explain that highly unusual action.

"I want the whole story," Beth added firmly.

"She is blackmailing him emotionally and we are all letting it happen," Victoria snarled angrily.

"Will it make you feel better?"

The question took her by surprised and she gave him a puzzled look before she answered. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I would like to hear an explanation why this has happen to me."

Cody lifted his eyes and noticed something else about her. It was very faint and barely noticeable but it was hurt. She was hurt. He had hurt her and now she was seeking for something that would take that hurt away. He swallowed before he whispered, "It happened because you were stupid enough to get kidnapped by a serial killer."

Agent Neidhart let out a whistle through her teeth and Sam couldn't really believe his words.

"Touché. You've got a point. Is that making you feel better?"

"No. But then again I doubt I'll ever feel better. I can't take back what happened."

Cody suddenly felt weak mostly because she realized that she had nothing to gain from him. He was right the story was hers because she was closer than any other reporter. She would be able to stretch this out beyond everyone else's story. Beth already knew his background and nothing he would say or do would truly erase that moment.

What secrets were left? None, really.

"Why Jeffrey?" She asked and eyed him curiously to catch his reactions.

Cody only shrugged carelessly before he graspingly answered. "You heard him. I think you know."

"Were you always gay?"

Her question caused him to laugh bitterly before he replied dryly, "Yeah, as far as I know."

Beth cursed herself for the question and nervously brushed a loosened strain of hair out of her face. The single curl bounced back and Cody thought that it gave her the sad image of a little girl.

"I guess he was just there at the right moment," he added quietly.

Agent McMahon cleared his throat and interrupted them by saying, "Miss Phoenix would you please not ask the suspect anything directly related to Mr. Hardy. This is already a very delicate situation and the more the case is discussed in details the more problematic it will be in trial."

Beth nodded slightly. She was about to say something else when a sickened nausea overcame her and she placed the palm of her hands on the table breathing in heavily.

"Everything alright?" McMahon asked concerned but she waved dismissively.

"I'm fine, thank you."

"Does it hurt?" Cody all of the sudden said and the older Agent as well as the reporter gave him an estranged glare.

"Yes, in fact it does."

"Sometimes I wonder how it would feel," the profiler said apathetically and folded his hand in his lab.

"I can't believe he is telling her that," Victoria breathed out in surprise.

"It burns," Beth replied feeling out of place. Sucked into the strange place of Cody's mind.

"I'm sorry," he said again and lifted his eyes facing her directly. "I'm sorry I…"

His voice broke halfway through and Beth knew he was referring to the sexual content. She had asked herself a million times why, if he was gay, that would even be an issue.

The mood-swing happened completely unexpected form one minute to the next he lifted his eyes and more or less spat out, "I'm sorry I jerked off on you."

His words had everyone witnessing holding their breath for a second because they sounded so carelessly harsh. The only person who had heard him talk like that before was Victoria Varon. She knew that there was something darker inside him that only rarely surfaced.

Interesting enough it was a similar defence of Beth, who was unwilling to show her weakness, straightened up and conquered with a question. "Did you enjoy it?"

McMahon felt like he should stop Cody from answering, mostly because he could almost hear the fury in a judge's voice once he would hear from this little meeting. Everything they said could be used for and against Cody.

"You should not answer that question before Miss Phoenix hasn't decided whether or not to press charges against you," the older man warned.

Yet Cody didn't care. He had only cared about the charge of murder because he wasn't a killer. He could not deny what he felt when he was with her. It wasn't her or her body that had that sort of affect on him it had been the fear in her eyes. For once, a woman wasn't trying to analyze him, mother him, yell at him or haunt him as a ghost.

"Yes I did," he answered and McMahon lowered his eyes, shaking his head.

"I was always scared of people like you. You are always trying to see something in me that I don't want to be seen. I know that does make me a bad person but maybe that's all I am. I fucked up and because of me people were harmed, even killed. I want to sleep, you know. I want to hide and never talk to anyone again. I'm sorry and I feel ashamed for what I did and what I felt but the truth is that you were scared of me for a moment and I liked that."

Cody stood up and McMahon instantly moved. Beth had her eyes locked with Cody and listened with a shiver crawling up her spine.

"I'm so tired of all this psycho crap. I don't even want to be helped anymore. Just go and press charges I don't care. I don't care about your story either. You can write an entire book about me. Nothing I say will take the moment away. You felt helpless and vulnerable and I'm sorry for causing you those feelings. Nevertheless those feelings made me fucking hot because no woman has ever looked at me like that before. You can hate me, punish me even but it wouldn't change a thing. I'm haunted by so many ghost's already I'm just glad you won't be one of them."

Beth wanted to say something but Cody wasn't done he stood there scratching his head whilst he lost control over his inner barriers and went on. "What am I even doing here? I'm giving you an exclusive interview at least that's how it feels like. Yet, for what? You really think the people outside would care? How long before they would forget and move to something far more interesting? It's been too long already and I'm fucking tired. I'm a pervert and a loser and never was anything else."

"Go away, Beth. Write your story and be happy with it. I don't care if you tell the truth, lie, or make something up. You wanted to know why Jeff? Because he just fucked me without telling me crap about how I'm not responsible for my father's actions. He didn't need experiments or profiles but knew what I would want. It's truly ironic that someone like him would know me better than I know myself."

"Tell him to stop," Victoria suddenly said and reached for her medical bag.

Cody noticed the door to open and his voice became a little faster. For reasons he wouldn't be able to explain he needed that moment to let it out and in an odd frantic way brushed through his hair.

"Everyone always pities me because of my dad. It sucks because I didn't deserve pity and I never did. I watched them die, plain and simple. If anything, I think I'm such a pathetic version of a lunatic because I couldn't even do it myself. I should've slashed your throat because lets be honest it's what's in my blood isn't it?"

Beth flinched when he slammed his fist onto the table. Agent McMahon slowly approached him and whispered, "Mike, I think we're done here?"

Cody briskly brushed him off. "Why? Are you afraid that I'm going to attack her?"

The reporter instinctively moved back whilst voices soothingly tried to reach Cody. With a blushing face he continued with a loud and angry voice.

"This is what I mean. You are telling me that it's not my fault but don't even believe it yourself. I'm the fucking cliché of a serial killer yet what a poor one because I'm without a victim."

Victoria held a needle in her hand and her heart pounding heavily as she listened to Cody's hysterical laughter.

"You know that Jeff called you the perfect first victim? That was so fucking stupid of him! He should have got me my dad. I think it's funny that everyone says that I'm so full of hatred towards women. Because there are mostly women in my life. I've seen so many of them die for one thing," Cody's voice was filled with bitterness. A huge part of him couldn't even grasp that he was saying all those things.

Another part was unable to stop. Not even aware that defiant tears were dropping from his eyes he snarled. "I hate this. I don't want to be here and talk to you or anybody. Just fucking lock me up and leave me alone. I cannot change who I am or what I have become. I cannot even place blame except in myself. I'm so weak it's disgusting. You know I think Jeff is better than me. At least he chose his destiny while I'm always waiting for others to decide."

"Cody," Victoria softly said and flinched when he screamed at her incoherently in a loud tear-struck voice.

Agent McMahon made a step forward and grabbed Cody's arm. "That's enough…"

Beth couldn't prevent herself from crying. Not because she felt fear but because she realized that he was more hurt than her by all of this, that his enjoyment only added to his guilt.

"They were all bitches because they all fucking died," Cody yelled trying to fend the older man off.

A shadow washed over the profiler's face. Anger faded and gave room for something more desperate. Sweat drops poured down his face when he suddenly sobbed out, "They all fucking left me alone with his mess."

Victoria reached out for him and tenderly touched his arm. "Cody, please you're tired…"

He blinked and stared at her breathing heavily. "Did he kill her?"

Beth Phoenix slowly stood up and gratefully braced herself at an officer's arm. She wanted out of this place. Yet, she still listened to a conversation that seemed too private even for her.

"You need to rest," Victoria whispered and nodded at Agent McMahon who slowly rolled up the sleeve of Cody's shirt.

"Did he?" There was so much sorrow in that question that Victoria found herself nodding.

"I think you know."

The needle sliced through his skin and his body was instantly filled with warmth. Defeated and weakly he sunk onto the ground and tried to fight the nauseating dizziness growing inside his mind.

"He didn't. I don't want to believe that."

Cody didn't need answers he knew. Why it had reached him in that intensity he didn't know. Maybe it had been Beth and her striking resemblance. He hadn't dared thinking of his mother for as long as he could remember. Nevertheless, he knew. He had been there as well as with the others.

Whilst his mind drifted into a silent land of despair Cody could no longer deny it. He could no longer hold up the image of his dad. His love for his father could no longer cloud the loss. From the corner of his fluttering eyes he saw that they helped Beth Phoenix outside and he wanted to forget her.

Forget about everyone. They carried him back to his cell. Whatever Victoria gave him made everything numb. It shut out everything around him except his memory. There was only one left of his mother. Very faint and carefully buried deep inside his heart. He was four and remembered her yelling.

He remembered her dying as well. It was different than the later crimes. His father had cried and his mother had fought back. She had stumbled through the kitchen with her hand around her neck. Blood spreading out of her in an endless storm. Cody had silently watched it all.

Edward Chilton had wrapped his wife up in plastic and pulled up his son. Cody remembered his father's soft strokes and soothing words as he brought him upstairs to his room. His father had read him a story and kissed him tenderly on his forehead before turning out the lights.

Cody's mind had decided to forget all about her and it had worked for many years. It was no longer working because he had profiled himself. In his drug-bended mind, he figured out more about himself than before. Slowly he revealed his own inner-self to himself and hated what he saw.

He hated himself more than he could ever hate his father. There was a clear reason why he had always been so gifted in reading people. Because all his life all he ever did was watching crimes. Either personally by the side of his dad or through photographs. All his life he had told himself that he did it for redemption.

Now he started to believe he had done it because he hadn't known anything else. He could understand a killer and a motive. Could figure out the choice of victims yet was never able to fully follow normal people. So many times their actions didn't seem to make sense and were too chaotic to fit together.

A serial killer acts by following a never-changing pattern. People like Jeff have a clear goal. Cody never had. He was always following the road that was laid out in front of him. He had followed his father barely questioning his actions; he had followed what his foster family had offered. In his job, he had followed the traces he had been given to figure out the why.

Cody lay curled up in the bed unable to stop his mind from reeling further down. From the million of thoughts dancing wildly in his head he was unable to put them together in any other way. There seemed to be only one conclusion. Making stupid puzzles seemed to be the only thing he was good at.

He had never been entirely honest, never been able to socialize and in the end hadn't even been able to prevent himself from enjoying a woman's despair. Even though that was exactly what he was trying to erase from his poisoned mind. He thought of Jeff and couldn't help but almost wish to be in his company again. Because Jeff had been able to make his mind stop putting pieces together.

Agent Rhodes stopped talking that night. He was brought to a mental institution near his foster home and it took him two years before he started to use his voice again.

Beth Phoenix didn't press charges.

Due his bad mental shape and after being tested by three different psychiatrists a judge freed him from all charges. He said that Cody seemed tormented enough due the radical circumstances of his upbringing. In addition, Jeffrey Hardy surprisingly changed his testimony and while on trial freed the profiler from all suspicions.

Cody followed the trial with the media. Blankly staring at the screen he watched Jeff walking in out of the building day after day. He showed no reactions to the images. Whether they were about him or the killer. For two years all he did was stand up in the morning, eat breakfast and sit in front of a screen all day long playing apathetically with a Rubik cube.

In between several professionals tried to reach him. They all failed because they had no idea that he was having a wild on-going discussion with his demons inside his head. His body functions were reduced to mechanically fulfilling its duties.

Beth Phoenix released her book 'Sins of the Father' which circled around the story of Cody. The book was filled with heartbreaking facts and quickly became a bestseller. Nobody really cared that Cody wasn't commenting on it at all. If anything, the subject itself had become the most uninteresting part.

Another journalist released 'Bastard Son – A Story Behind a Serial Killer' only months later which used an authentic exclusive interview with the Frat-boy killer. It quickly became a huge success and only six months later, a well-known director started to work on a movie. In the end the studio, demanded a re-write and the Frat boys became college girls.

Too afraid of the Gay-factor they made their serial killer straight. The sex-scene between the main character and the female lead became one of the most discussed in film-history because it was basically a wanted rape.

The filming started around the same time Jeffrey was convicted for the brutal murder under special circumstances of: Robert Houghton, Richard Martin, Edward Stedman, Brandon Keller and Antony Manford.

They could not charge him with the murder of his brother Matthew because they had no proof. However, Jeffrey more than once admitted to all of those crimes including that of his brother. All twelve members of the jury came to the same conclusion and due the power of the state of California Jeffrey had been fated to die.

He had the choice between lethal injection or lethal gas. Jeffrey failed to choose and due the law a lethal injection would be used. Because he declined it no calls to the governor would be made. He had listened to the convict without blinking. A faint smirk circling around his lips when he had left the courtroom.

His own testimony had been wildly discussed in the media because he was arrogantly and carelessly confessing to the murders in detail. It was his way of talking about his victims and the darkness that lay in his movements that made him quite a pop-culture icon.

Jeffrey had shown emotions only once in the interrogation room. After that and during his entire trial he seemed uncaring. During the interview for the book, he gave a perfect performance of a serial killer cliché. It wasn't interesting him anyway. He had not shown any sign of affection when he heard about Charles Hardy's physical shape.

Because he was a prisoner on death row, he was mostly isolated and therefore cut himself of the world. The only thing he did whilst in prison was read. Mostly classics yet never commented on any of the books he had read. He declined psychological care.

Neither Cody nor Jeffrey ever saw the finished movie, which did fairly good at the box office.

For Cody, two years passed by in a cloud. One morning however he opened his eyes, dressed himself went outside of his room and approached the nurse's desk. In a clear voice, he slowly asked for the phone.

They stared at him in disbelief and called up Dr. Varon. Cody was relatively calm when he said that he wanted to speak with his father. Unsure if it was the right approach but incredibly grateful that he had started speaking again, Victoria arranged it. It was a cold December afternoon when Cody was sitting in her office next to the speakerphone.

Edward Chilton's voice floated through the wires when he greeted his son with the words, "Hello Cody."

It was the moment Cody found a never before strength inside him and started to finally put together the pieces of his own puzzle. With a slightly broken voice he said,

"Dad…I need to ask you something."

Victoria felt like a voyeur caught in a family drama and very quietly leaned back.

"I cannot promise to give you a satisfying answer," Chilton whispered.

"I just want to know why you killed her." Cody didn't have to say his mother's name nor explain his question.

His father wasn't able to provide an explanation and simply said, "She was just there when it started. I could not fight the feeling."

"I hate you," Cody suddenly croaked.

"You should," his father replied quietly before adding, "I love you, son."

Cody didn't need to say anymore. He didn't need to discuss this further. He had his answer. He realized that his father was a sick person. Forgiveness was not in his power yet he was able to make amends with a memory he had tried to forget. He cried himself to sleep that night and woke up with the goal to get better.

His demons wouldn't leave him alone yet he was able to control them just like he had before he had met Jeffrey. He was released another three years later. He moved into a small apartment and only had contact with Teddy and Victoria. Although he was officially no longer working for the Federal Bureau of Investigations, they still sent him case files.

They would play it in secret and call him an adviser. Safely guarded by walls he was able to help in nine out of ten cases. He barely left his house. Accompanied by a reddish feline named Parker he lived alone and isolated from the world. Cody liked it that way.

Being away from his home made him nervous. Yet, he had to go.

Almost six years after his encounter with Jeffrey, he was back in Los Angeles. He was standing at the counter of the L.A County next to Agent Neidhart who gave him a worried glance.

"Are you sure about this?"

He nodded and a faint smile caressed his face. "Yes, I'm fine. I just have to do this."

The Agent shrugged and respected his choice. She gave the staff member a nod and Cody was handed an ID card. It was a Tuesday and the sun was shining. It was the day before Jeffrey Hardy would die by lethal injection. Whilst Cody walked through the corridors, Jeff was sitting in a small room waiting for the ex-profiler.

It had amused him when the request for a visit was brought to him. He had laughed and said that he would be happy to see Cody again. However, he had also demanded that it would be exactly on this day. The day before he would die. Sort of a last will, he had joked and winked at his lawyer.

Jeff wondered what Cody would want from him and for the first time in years, he felt somewhat alive. It had been hard these few years, not because of being locked up in prison waiting for his death but because he had been deprived of his urges. He yearned for blood in an almost animal sort of way because without it everything felt painfully dull.

For six years he had lingered in a small confide space and dreamt of beautiful boys he longed to kill. Mostly it helped to distract from the image of his brother. It had been easier to ignore the mind numbing pain still raving over Matthew on the outside. It had become almost impossible inside prison walls.

Excitedly he stared at the door and waited for Cody because as before the request had sparked his interest. It was something to waste the time until all of this would finally be over once and for all.

Cody hesitated before the door. He wanted to see him one last time because he needed to find some sort of closure and believed that Jeff would provide it.