Leonardo's POV
For the first night in so long, I actually manage to sleep and not have to worry about a nightmare waking me up. That didn't mean they weren't completely gone. It's just, for some reason, every time I'd almost wake up, something would calm me again. It was a strange sensation to wake fully rested the next morning. You'd think being in the house were our nightmare started would just make it worse…
When I entered the living room, I found myself to be the last to awaken. That was different… Then my eyes land on Mikey – conscious and propped up on the couch chatting and laughing with everyone else. "Mikey?" I call out, frozen in the doorway.
"Welcome to the land of the living, sleepy-head." Mikey says with a half-smile.
"You're…awake…?" I say, still stunned for some unknown reason.
"Obviously," He says, "Come and sit down, bro."
"Okay…" I mumble before finally walking over. I grab a kitchen chair and spin it before sitting backwards on it, my head resting on my folded arms. "When did you wake up?"
"This morning." April mumbles instead and I realize she was still trying to sleep. "Before anyone woke up."
"Oh, where're the kids?" I ask, noticing Caden and Annie's absence. Just because they are only two years younger then I am, I still think of them as kids.
"They went out ta lunch." Raph answers, breaking from a conversation with Trecarion momentarily.
"You removed the bandages…" Donny says, abruptly, breaking out of his silence from where he leaned back against the wall. I look down at my bare legs at his comment, wincing slightly at the sight of the scarred skin.
"Yeah, I guess I did." I say in response. "I was going to replace them."
"Don't." Is his simple order. I say nothing after that. I'm still starring when I have to close my eyes against a flashback. I'm so used to them now, they don't even hurt anymore.
"Leo?" Mikey calls, bringing me forcefully back to the present.
"What?" I ask as I look at him.
"I seem to remember sayin you have something for me…?" He asks with a grin. I smile back, unable to resist his enthusiasm.
"You want it now?"
"Yes, please."
"It's a him actually." April says with a yawn as she gets up. "I'll get him." Mikey looks back and forth between us, curiously.
"Him?" Mikey asks, propping himself up a little straighter, before gasping sharply because of his injury.
"Don't." Donny says in that same way he had said to me. Mikey ignores him as April returns with a bundle in her hands.
"He's not up to full health yet." She says as she sets the bundle next to Mikey who immediately pulls back the small towel to reveal an orange tabby kitten. His eyes widen.
"When I found them, their mother had already been shot. I thought since Klunk's gone, you would like to take one home. It was either that or give them all to the shelter." I say.
"How many?" Mikey asks.
"Three others that I'm sure will be adopted quickly." April says, "This little guy was the weaker of the bunch. Would you like to keep it?"
"Thanks, Leo, April. I'll keep him. I'll call him…Klunk Jr." Mikey rubs his head against the kitten's body and I just had to smile. "He's as cute as Klunk. Maybe cuter as his only a baby."
"Are you planning on staying here, Leonardo?" Master Splinter asks me. I look up to him, quickly, and take a minute to answer.
"I…don't know, sensei." I tell him as I look away. My hands clench as I close my eyes. I can feel my brothers' eyes on me and this makes me fidget slightly.
"How can you not know?" Donny asks, harshly.
"I just don't." I say as I give him a glare.
"Donatello." Splinter says, sternly, before turning back to me. "Can you explain what makes you desire solitude?"
I look up at him again, briefly, before turning to my brothers. "I uh…" I can't sit still any longer, but I resist getting up just yet as my foot starts tapping the floor. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?" Mikey asks me. I can't help but look at him. "I mean it can't be such a big deal. It may seem like it, but it never is. I think you should stay so we can be a family again. That's all I want."
"Mikey…"
"Come on, Leo," He says with a smile, "You can't let me beat you for first to be normal again. Promise me you'll stay?"
"I…I can't promise that…" I say, avoiding his eyes.
"Why not? Talk ta me, bro."
I don't know if I'm ready for this. Maybe I'll never be ready. I don't even know why I'm so scared. I've gotten out of a lot of tough situations before. I've even faced death and made terms with it. The Ancient One taught me so much about what I believed to be failure… Why is this time so different? It shouldn't be like this. I don't understand why I'm shaking just remembering those camps…and that fire…
"Come here." I hear Mikey say softly and I look up at my little brother as he makes room for me on the couch. After a few minutes of contemplation, I get up and join him. I was hoping my shaking would stop but it only seems to get worse as he leans onto my shoulder; one arm loosely held around his bandaged plastron, the other over my shoulders.
"You're shaking." He points out, quietly, "What's going on in that head of yours?"
"A lot of things." I say without even meaning to. I look up and notice the room's empty. "Where did everyone go?"
"They left while you were thinking." Mikey says, "So are we going to talk now, big bro?"
"I don't know…" I mumble, looking down and away again. Mikey doesn't say anything and I glance up at him only to see those blue eyes on me; waiting. I notice they're more dull then I remember… The eyes of someone who's seen death and pain. Maybe he has gone through worse than I…
I turn away before I can speak; the words coming out easily. "I don't know why. I'm scared, Mikey." My shaking only increases with the truth of it. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I was fine up until that…fire." Mikey tightens his arm around me and I close my eyes.
"Did you want to die?"
"Huh?" I say, tipping my head towards him in shock.
"I know I did after Jo, but I always felt that, maybe, you did too. And that now you feel guilty about it."
"I ah…" I stare at him fully for a minute before finally turning away. "I don't think I wanted to die. Just that if I had, everything would be easier. I would've deserved it anyway…"
"So do you feel guilty?"
"I guess…I do, but I…"
"…You don't know why?"
This time, I really have to look at Mikey. "How would you know what I'm thinking?"
"You're not so complicated, Leo. Just confused." He says. "I'm just listening and saying my own feelings. I guess the one good thing about Henry is that he kept me from being too confused. …Even if he just made it worse."
After a moment of silence, I give him a smile. "Okay, little brother. Maybe you're right. I am confused and that really scares me."
"Yanno, if ya don't wanna lead us right now, you don't have to. At least not yet. I just want my brother."
"Again with the mind-reading, but I don't think that will work. Raph wants me to lead."
"He's just in over his head. That's all. Donny's been giving him so much trouble, he doesn't have time for himself. Trek will help him, so don't worry about that."
"Alright I guess…"
"So will you stay with us?" Mikey asks, his pleading eyes on me.
"…Fine Mikey." I tell him, sighing.
"Yay!" He says as he gives me a sideways hug. I can't help but smile. Maybe I can stand staying with them…maybe…
Donatello's POV:
I don't want to be angry anymore. This isn't me. I know that, but I can't seem to stop. Just listening to Leo and Mikey talk… How can Mikey be so broken on minute he nearly died, then be back to his old self the next? It doesn't make sense. It can't be that easy… Even Leo's starting to come back.
I was so lost in thought, I nearly jumped when sensei's hand landed on my arm. I turn in a start to see him leaning heavily on his walking stick for support. "Sensei, I don't think you should be walking around…"
"I'll be fine, my son. I must speak with you. I sense great turmoil within you. Come. We will talk." He says before he starts to walk away. I follow him after a minute or so, unsure what to think. What does he want to talk about with me?
He leads me into April's bedroom, which he was offered to use. Tea's already brewing on a small table next to two mats. "Kneel, my son." He says and, for the first time, I hear the wear of old age seep into his voice. I do as instructed, watching as he kneels as well a little stiffly. "Donatello. My time is running short so I would appreciate it if you would not make this difficult. This rage you carry rivals that of Raphael. I fear it is detrimental to our family…"
"I know, sensei," I interrupt. "I'm sorry. I want to be this angry…"
"Then why are you so?" Splinter asks. I look down at my hands on my knees.
"I…I don't know. It's hard to explain…"
"Try."
The order in his voice surprises me and I look up into his eyes. Those dark eyes usually so full of calm authority and tranquility, now focused on me in such a stern way shows me how serious he is. For some reason, his gaze is uncomfortable and I can't keep eye contact. I don't want to be here anymore. Then the first thing he said pops back in my head and I concentrate on that instead. "Sensei…what did you mean by your 'time is running short'?" I ask, quietly.
"Donatello…" He says with a familiar sigh as he shakes his head with closed eyes. The usual humor in it is lost under a more disappointed edge.
"…Sorry…" I say after a minute as I duck my head back towards my knees.
"No," He says with a small smile to show he's not really mad at the change of subject. "What I mean is that I am dying, my son."
"What?" I ask as I sit up more in shock. He reaches over and lays a hand on my shoulder to calm me.
"My age is finally catching up to me, that's all. I really shouldn't have survived the Shredder's camps, but I kept going for you and your brothers. I'm sorry, but I'll eventually have to leave you. Before I go, I wish for my sons to be ready for that day. Don't try to hold onto me. You'll just end up wasting the time I've been given. Alright?"
"Al-alright sensei," I say, my eyes still wide. I just don't want to accept my father can die. I've always known it was possible. I can't let this happen…
"So Donatello. Back to what we were discussing: explain to me why you believe you are so angry."
"Oh, well um… I don't know…" I begin, hating the fact that the conversation's returned to this topic. "It's just… Well, I think…it started 'cause Hun beat me nearly to death… I told you that."
"Yes."
"Well…I guess I'm mad for letting him do so. I would be dead if it wasn't for Cliff. I gave Hun something to brag about to my brothers…and then I…" I stop talking after that and refuse to look at Master Splinter.
"Ah, I see we have arrived at the true reason. What was it you were going to say, my son? Saying it aloud may help you." Splinter says as he takes my hand and lightly squeezes it for comfort. I still refuse to say anything as my free hand clenches into a fist. He is right. I have found out why I'm angry, but that anger's directed at myself… "Donatello, my son." He continues, "If you do not reveal the root of the problem, how do you expect to destroy its branches? If you do not dislodge the root, it will continue to grow no matter how many times you try to cut it back."
"I don't want to." I say, through my teeth, "Can we not talk about this now?"
"When will we talk about this? Putting it off only makes it harder for when we do. You need to do this, Donatello. It will not just help you, but your brothers as well." He states calmly before adding. "…I will not fault you for anything you may tell me."
I look up at him at that. As usual, my father points out the one thing holding me back. "It's just…I… I gave up. I wanted to die that first day after…"
"That is understandable. You feel guilty for that?"
"…Yes…" I say, slowly. "I couldn't handle the pain. I almost let my brothers – and you – down just because I couldn't handle a little pain."
"That doesn't make you weak, Donatello." Sensei says, "You are alive and with us today. A weaker man would have fallen long ago. You faced down death – more often then most – and, though you were close to giving up that time, you lived. That is admirable, my son."
"But…"
"Shush now." He says, reaching up to caress the side of my face. "You need to realize that there is no need to prove yourself to us and no need for this revenge. Hun is dead now – you killed him. There is no one left you need to eliminate. This fighting just to fight is unnecessary. Can you see that?"
I close my eyes and don't speak for a moment. "I think I do. I want to stop…"
"Then do so. You'll find it's not that difficult. You just need to take that first step…"
Raphael's POV:
Trek had followed me up to the rooftops, silently, but I paid no attention to him. I've never seen Leo so messed up. It's just not him. My fists clench against the hard cement. I've never been so happy about killing before, but I am. I'm glad I killed Shredder. That monster is the cause of all this – him and his damn slave camps. He really did a number on us this time. He destroyed everything. It shouldn't be taking so long for everything to go back to how it was. What's up with that?
Trek stays silent next to me and I suddenly get this odd feeling he's observing me. I got to admit, that guy can sure creep me out sometimes. I know very little about him and yet he was there for me when I needed him the most… "Okay I give: whatcha lookin' at me for?" I ask without turning.
"Raphael, my friend…I hope you are well…?" Trek says.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."
"Your scars no longer pain you?"
"Well…not really…" I say as my fingers brush against my arm where it's covered with lined scars from the infirmary's torture program. "I haven't had tha time ta think about 'em too much. I've been kinda busy, yanno, with tha family gone ta hell 'n' all."
"I understand, my friend. Would you care to 'think about them' with me so you can fully heal?" He asks, failing at mimicking my accent so badly, I almost laugh.
"It's kinda…difficult."
"I have time."
"Well if yer gonna be like that…" My fingers start taping against my thigh, unable to twirl my sai as I would normally at this point. "I'm still kinda…scared." Admitting that causes my hands to clench again. "Yanno, I don't get how that monster could get me down so easily. I ain't that easily broken…am I?" My eyes narrow to hopefully keep my emotions in check.
"Raphael, the infirmary was designed to break any individual who stepped through those walls. No one is above that kind of torture. Not even you. You are the only one I know to recover so well in such a short time."
"Heh, recovered?" I say, ironically, "That was just good ol' Masta Splinter givin' me sum'thin' more important ta focus on fer a while. That's all. I ain't recovered. I ain't…healed. I'm jus' holdin' on fer them."
"You hold the strength to overcome your fear."
"No I don't." I say as I look at him. "I'm a mess, Trek! I ain't neva gonna recover. Stockman won. That little psycho-bastard beat me! There ain't nuthin' gonna fix this. I don't even have tha punk ta kill fer this!" A dull rage flares through me as I say all this.
"Calm down, my friend." Trek says as he lays a hand on my shoulder, and, for some reason, it works. With a deep breath, the rage leaves me in a rush, leaving me feeling heavy, and just a little off. Then he continues, "Now, why do you feel you are not strong enough?"
"I froze, Trek. When Leo sliced Bishop's head off, I froze! I couldn't move at all. What if that happens in battle and I get killed fer it? I don't like bein' an easy target. I'll neva be able ta fight again. I ain't tha kinda person that can live like that. Fighting's my life! And…I miss my sais." My fingers return to tapping. "I can't use 'em either. They remind me too much a' that place and tha hooks…" I push off my wristband and rub against the bandaged cut there. I wince slightly before just holding my hand against it. "Dammit!" I curse through clenched teeth, "They still hurt!"
"Shouldn't they have healed by now?"
"Should've. They're just sore. I can't believe…I almost lost movement in my hands 'cuza this. Fuck! Why me?"
"Would you rather it have been your brothers?"
My eyes widen at this as I look at him. "No, o' course not! I mean I… Well, at first maybe I did…sorta…but I can't imagine Mikey or Donny goin' through this. I don't think they could handle sum'thin' like this at all. I wouldn't even wish it on Leo…"
"Then be glad for that. Do you believe that would help you?"
"Sorta… Not completely, but kinda."
"You are very strong, my friend. I am positive you will be well again shortly. Fear may seem like a daunting opponent, but with friends and family, it can only disperse that darkness just that much faster."
"Heh, that sounds like sum'thin' Masta Splin'er would say."
"You do have a wise teacher."
"Heh, yeah I do. I also got myself a good wise friend too." I say with a smile for Trek.
"I hope my advice will help, my good friend."
"Maybe. I'll think on it… Thanks Trek. This was sum'thing I couldn't talk out with my bros and my dad."
"About that… Maybe you should talk to them. I will not be here always and they are your family. They can help you get over your fear."
"I can't, Trek. They're my family. They expect me ta take it. If I tell 'em this…"
"Raphael, I believe Leonardo may already have guessed. Even Michelangelo and your friend Casey Jones suspect something very close. You can't keep them in the dark when they already know you so well. It will only cause the hurt in exchange for your silence."
"I…I'll think about it."
"That is all I can ask for."
A/N: Review, review! It might get me interested in writing again!