Cough, cough, choke splutter. Why in the name of pantyhose did I have to get ill in HALF TERM?? When I should be enjoying myself?? Writing fanfics?? You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be as right as rain when I go back to school. Hmp. I hate fate sometimes.

Rightie! I can get to work with this!!! Yay! Last chapter. Mwahahaha. Thankies for all the nice reviews for last chapter, you've made me feel a lot less nervous now :)

Do you want to know something quite Erlack? Well I was looking on the internet and I searched Louise Rennison and she was born in 1951. Now presuming the guy who she based the book's character of Dave the Laugh on was around the same age that will make the real life Dave… 57!!! Which will probably mean he has grey hair or something…oh god, not good, one of my besties, Kaara keeps saying 'Pot Belly! Pot Belly! Receding Hairline! Receding Hairline!' but I don't think he would ever let himself go that far. And besides as the saying goes, which I stole off my other bestie Vinnie2757 who stole it from a yuffentine ff, 'Grandads are sex bombs in slippers' lol.

I realised I got the date wrong on the last chapter…oops…changey changey…

Don't worry about the preggers. Yes, it is my plan but I am not going to make it follow normal suit and it's not going to take over till near the end; there are going to be more important things for Gee to agonised over, mwahahaha. It is just a way I can shove a lot of plot twists in because, quite frankly, Sky has been boring to write as it is all too straight forward and happy. It is like the metaphorical jacket I have find something to sow up every night- I would like it to stay intact but it is more fun to sow a broken seam up than wonder how I could add to it, probably ruining it. So therefore I must tear Dave and Gee apart at the seams to make them even stronger when I sow them back up again- and yes, the Gird Series will end with them together, happily and their jacket intact,

I will shut up because I am getting deep and it's scaring me.

God Works in Mysterious Ways

Sunday June 21st

8.00am

I very nearly had a bit of a nervy spaz waking up in my nuddy pants but then I remembered the number 10 type fiasco and I was all fine and dandy.

I suppose I am officially a woman now.

2 minutes later

I had turned in my sleep so my back was to Dave and we were all snugly buggly like a couple of spoons. He had his arms wrapped around my waist.

1 minute later

Quite tightly.

2 minutes later

I can't get actually free.

3 minutes later

I tried gently tugging his arms off me but they wouldn't budge.

Not that I mind because it's all nice and warmy being with him but I would like to be able to breath.

Tuggy tuggy tuggy, handies not budging-y.

Dave said, "You do know I am not going to let go of you now, don't you?"

He'd been awake all the time!!

I said, "Why not?"

"Because I love you, that is why," and he nuzzled my neck.

Aaaaw.

But he did let go in the end. Although, naturally, his hands did creep up from my waist and onto my nungas before he let me go. Not that I mind. Much.

We just lay there on our backs for a bit, sneaking sneaky-type peeks at each other, as you do when your girlfriend/ boyfriend-type fandango is in their nuddy pants next to you (oo-er).

And then suddenly we heard BANG BANG CLUNK and 'Oy, Im! Dave! We're home!"

Dave said, leaping up like a mad salmon "Oh, bugger," and we started pulling on our clothes like two mad loons on loon tablets. Oh god, oh god, oh god!!! Pully top on, knickers, skirt, socks, shoes, oh Merde forgot my bra, top off, bra on, top back on, hair brushy brushy brushy, quick quick quick. And just as the door opened we grabbed a book each like we'd been reading. Blimey O'Reily's trousers, our red herringnosity skills are tip top. And a half.

Dave's Mutti said, "Hi love we're back- oh, hi Georgia,"

Oh god. My heart was going about twenty billion miles and hour. Me and Dave looked at each other.

She said, "You must be such an early bird being round so early,"

Phew.

Then she said, "Hmm, why you reading? It's not like you…"

Uh oh, she's rattled us.

Then Nash saved the day and came bursting in, nearly knocked Dave's Mutti over and yelled, "DAVEY!!! DAVEY!!! OOOOH!!! AND GEORGIE PORGIE!!! YAAAAAYYY!!! I AM BACK!!! HAHAHAHA!!!"

I have never been so pleased to see the little maniac.

Nash was saying, "Yes, yes and there were some sheepies at nanny's and they went baaaa and I tried to strokes one but I think it killed me but then I was better and I wents and threw a brick at it and it's all good,"

When he went to terrorise Imogen I said to Dave, "Phew,"

"I think we got away with that one," he said, "I don't think she noticed that your book was upside down,"

Oh poo.

2 minutes later

Operation Sneak me and my stuff out of the house.

We were going down the stairs and then I whispered, "My heart was going about twenty billion miles an hour then. I thought for sure that she had rattled us,"

"I know, I thought I was dead meat for sure," said Dave, "It is bad enough to be killed once, no one wants to be killed twice,"

"Twice? Why are you going to be killed a second time?"

Dave said, "Well,"

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ARSE IS ALL THIS MESS?"

Dave said, "That,"

Imogen said from downstairs, "Don't you dare blame me this time! It wasn't me! Ask Dave! It was his party! And he kept me locked outside half the night!!"

The door opened at the bottom of the stairs, "David, what is all this mess?"

Uh oh.

Dave said, as cool as le cucumber, "The remnants of a marvy party,"

His Mutti just stood there looking quite ballisiticisimus in a red faced way and then said in what she supposed was a demanding Mutti type voice, "Clean it up. Now,"

Dave said, "As much as I would love to I need to help Gee with her stuff,"

There was a bit of silence Mutti-wise but we were half way down the drive she yelled, "David, please tell me she did not stay the night?!"

Dave and me looked at each other and then he said, "Run,"

And by golly we did.

4 minutes later

We stopped a bit from my street and we did a quick number five as a s'laters kiss and after I said to Dave, "You are so dead when you get back to yours, you will be the dead boyfriend, au revoir Mr. Dead Biscuit,"

Dave said, "Hmm, I know, the consequences are not particularly appealing. I may be forced to listen to the 'talk',"

I laughed and said, "Will you be able to make it to the gig tonight? I have been told by an ex guitar plucker that I must show up to his last gig,"

Dave said, "Of course, if I didn't Tom would have my guts for garters and all that jazz, and would I miss a single opportunity to be with my Sex Kitty? I think not," and he gave me a small peck on my mouth, "S'laters," and he started strolling off.

I yelled after him, "Yes, but you might get grounded. You've only been free a few days,"

Dave turned around and shouted, "Don't worry, Kittykat! I will be free. God works in mysterious ways- that's why he made me!!" and he went away quite literally laughing on his fast camel.

Good Grief.

Home

Chez Bonkers alert!

Vati came to greet me (not) his too-small-jimjams. I could see his belly jumping about wildly. It is alarming in an old man. I think if Vati cut off his stomach and Mutti cut off her nungas they could feed a whole third world country. Let no one say that I am not charitable.

El Portly One said, "Georgia! This is the last straw! Your cat has utterly demolished next doors Organic Farm and blablablabla,"

Turns out that Angus and his partner in crime Cross-eyed Gordy have destroyed Mrs. And Mr. Next Door's Organic Farm, known to other normal people as several spindly chickens in a kennel. Well, what was several spindly chickens in a kennel but is now just a kennel. But, as I pointed out to Vati, what cruel sadists would buy chickens knowing that two cats live next door?

Vati, predictably had a nervy B at moi. I nearly said that he couldn't shout at me now because I am officially a woman but I thought no.

10.00am

Boudoir of Luuurve (My Bedroom)

I am contemplating my life as woman.

3 minutes later

I am quite literally a Sex Kitty now. Heehee.

5 minutes later

I still can't believe that I got to the top of the snogging scale avec Dave the Laugh!! Because it is unbelievable, that is why.

11.00am

Phone rang.

I said, "Yes, I know, even if I have a dramatic turn in life to contemplate I will get the phone. You lot just relax, I will be slavey girl,"

Mutti said, "Thanks Gee!" and there were a few slurpy noises coming from the living room. I just hope that Gordy has a hairball again.

It was the Ace Gang.

Rosie, as per usual, was top cockerel in the pecking order of life when it came to the phone, "Bonsoir moi petite ami,"

I answered, "Hello Rosie,"

Mabs said, "We are heading down to Boots to buy make up for the gig,"

Rosie said, "Yes, our theme is glitter,"

Good Lord.

2 minutes later

Still, I am sure Mutti would have some ludicrously glittery top that I can borrow.

And I am also sure she will have ten squids which she doesn't mind me…er, stealing.

11.30am

Met the Ace Gang outside Luigi's and we walked down to Boots together. Rosie was wearing a beard and Jas was talking about strawberry flavoured voles and Ellen was…well, Ellen was just being Ellen i.e. ditherspazzing.

I am feel like I am the only one full of maturiosity, in an I've-done-number-10-and-they-haven't type of way.

3 minutes later

Not that I will tell them. They don't need to hear Kittykat and Laugh-type Porn. Oo-er.

5 minutes later

I would probably cause Ellen to lose the power of speech entirely, anyway. And Jas' eyes will probably pop out of her head.

1 minute later

And Rosie would probably choke on her beard.

Or most likely interrogate me like inspector bonkers of Scotland Yard.

Boots

Jools and Mabs went off to look at the hair stuff, Rosie was looking at glitter-type sprays and Jas was looking for Make Up that hasn't been tested on animals. Which is madness, as I have told her many times. What is the point of saving a pig getting pustules and boils only so we get pustules and boils. She will regret it when her face looks like a Lurker Factory i.e. full of lurkers.

I was dawdling around aimlessly like two short aimless things in aimless land.

2 minutes later

Erlack a Pongoes!! I have accidentally dawdled my merry way past a shelf of durexes…you know, boy balloons.

30 seconds later

But maybe we should have used one?

3 minutes later

Actually, I am glad we didn't. They look rather disgusting. And slimy. Like Slimy Slug jackets only not so nice.

What are they for, anyway?

1 minute later

Had to dawdle off because the till assistant was looking at me and I was worried she might come over and try and 'help me'.

5 minutes later

I have got some fabby glittery make up stuff. I have this really sparkly pink eye shadow and mascara that adds glitter onto your lashes. That must be top entrancibilty-wise.

I could try doing sticky eyes on Dave with it on. Now we have girded our loins and plighted our troth we must keep the flame of luuurve alive.

4 minutes later

Whichever end of the snogging scale is used.

Shut up! I think I am developing a minx for a brain.

10 minutes later

Rosie has brought a glitter spray! For hair and face. She gave us all a good spraying when we got out of the shop to 'test it'. We were twinkling like little stars.

Unfortunately when Rosie sprayed it, Mabs had been chatting to Jools and she got a mouthful and had a coughing fit. But only in a glittery way.

2 minutes later

We were twinkly twinkling down the street when we heard a 'Oh, ja!"

And it wasn't Sven.

It was Herr Kamyer and Miss Wilson! Coming out of Oxfam. Wearing matching anoraks. They had their arms linkied up too!!

I said, "Erlack!"

Rosie said, "Aww, they must be in luuurve. Isn't it nice how the Specific Horn comes in so many forms?"

Blimey O'Reily's Cotton Underpants! I must make sure me and Dave never end up sad like that. It is just too naff.

Then Jools said, under her breathe "Ooooh, Miss Wilson you red bottomed minx! Billy Shakespeare will be vair upset that you dumped him for another man,"

And we laughed like Billio.

Rosie said, "Should I spray them with glitter?"

We managed to persuade her to save it till tonight.

4 minutes later

We carried on glittering down the high street with Rosie spraying innocent passers by. There is no telling her sometimes. Well, I tried but she said, "Oh, Gee, I have the urge," which sounded a bit dodgy potatoes so I left it.

Then we heard an "Oh JA! My lovelies! Feel the horn! Love the horn!!" and for one freaky deaky moment we thought it was Herr Kamyer come to molest us but this time it was Sven.

I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

He went charging at Rosie like a mad snogging bat only Swedish but she said, "Hold it big boy, you'll wreck my glittericosity," and she sprayed him straight in the face.

2 minutes later

I think Rosie may have got glitter in his eye; Sven is walking around with his eyes really wide and he has just trod on a cat that was innocently going to wreak havoc Vole-population-wise. He looks like he is on drugs (Sven, not the cat- although I don't know…)

3 minutes later

You would have thought if your girlfriend-fandango sprayed you in the eyes with glitter you would at least hit number four on the humpty scale. But no, not his mad Svenish. He just licked Rosie's cheek (!). Maybe he wanted a sparkly tongue to match. Who knows? Who cares?

1 minute later

Sven has just walked into a lamppost.

6 minutes later

We are free from our Fish Overlord. He has gone running after a milk float van. No one knows why. I don't think we ever will. C'est la mysterie de la vie.

Mabs' House

We all went over Mabs' House because her loons were out. It is a shame that we don't get to have Ace Gang meeting much anymore. We had a good natter and chatter and all that. We talked about so many interesting intellectual topics…boys, lip gloss, boys, clothes, boys and err…boys.

Mabs said that Edward and her had gone on a proper date on Friday. I asked where and she said, "McDonalds,". She has no pridnosity.

Then Jools said, "I think I may in the lead snogging scale wise,"

All the Ace Gang looked at her but I thought 'you're not, I am, with my biscuit of a boyfriend,'

4 minutes later

Turns out that Jools got to number nine with Rollo. Properly. Not her showing him her panties. All the Ace Gang were agog like two gogs. I have to admit I was a little. Me and Dave sort of missed out the entire number nine-type fiasco.

I didn't say anything about me and Dave and the full Monty. I don't know why.

4.00pm

Walking back with Jas. Then Oscar, Junior Blunder Boy and Full Time Twit came peddling past on his push bike (how old is he? Four?). He had the most gigantibus trousers known to man kind on and he said when he say us, "Yo! What up biatches??" and he tried to do that finger thing when you shake them and make them snap, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Fortunately, because he had to take a hand off the handle bars he fell off before he could horrify us anymore.

Jas said when we were a couple of streets away from twit-boy, "It's shocking, isn't it?"

I said, "What? Oscar's Trousers? I think he got them second hand from the elephant shop,"

She said, "No, I mean Jools and Rollo, rushing up the snogging scale with ad-hoc abandon. I mean, me and Tom have been together longer than them and we haven't even done number 7,"

I said, trés helpfully, "Well, Jas, you might not have done number 7 because you haven't got anything to do number 7 with,"

She got in a bit of a huff and flicked her fringe like a loon. An owly loon. Then she said, "No, I mean, don't you think they are rushing things?"

Oh Merde. If she thinks Rollo and Jools are rushing it, then she will have un spaz attack at me and Dave.

Not that she will know. I am not going to tell her until hell freezes over.

10 minutes later

"Dave and I did number 10 last night,"

I thought Jas was having a seizure.

2 minutes later

Jas said, "Oh my giddy god, Georgia! Are you serious?!"

"Yep,"

"Really?"

"Yep,"

"Honestly,"

"Yep,"

"100 percent?"

"JAS!!"

1 minute later

Jas said, "Gee, did you use protection?"

I said, "Of course not! Have you seen a durex? It looks disgusting, like a slug, Erlack, Erlack!"

She looked at me like looking person. Stop looking at me you looking at person with a bad fringe!!

She said, "Gee-"

I said, looking at my watch, "Oh, look at the time! Must go!"

And I scampered off.

4 minutes later

No way am I having Jas give me a Sex Talk. She is my bestest pally not my parent. She will probably get some vole puppets out to demonstrate and- Erlack a pongoes! I must get those images out of my mind, it is all too horrific.

1 minute later

Why can't she be happy for me?

6 minutes later

I think she's jealous that I'm a woman and she's not.

Home

Why is Libby dressed as a…um, well I am not sure what it is. She looks like a swamp monster from the deep.

3 minutes later

Turns out that Mutti thought it would be a good idea to take Libby to the woods to 'be at one with nature' but Libby feel down a ditch. Of course, demon child LOBES being filthy and won't take a bath. Even if she is covered in fox poo.

6 minutes later

Erlack a Pongoes!! Cross Eyed Gordy has started licking the fox poo off Libby!

2 minutes later

Angus has joined in. Libby luuurves it and is giggling like a miniature loon on loon tablets. She keeps saying, "Bad boys, bad boys, my poo! You is tickling me! Heggy hog hog,"

4 minutes later

Libby has just fallen in the mug cupboard. I will never be having a cup of coffee in this house again.

6 minutes later

How disgusting is this?? Libby just licked her own hand! Cover in poo!! She is probably going to get Black Death now.

Of course, where is Mutti at a time like this? Getting a hose? Of course not, she is watching TV on 'how to look fifty years younger'

1 minute later

I went into Mutti. I said, "Mutti, you do know that your daughter, affectionately known as Libby, is covered in fox poo and Cross Eye Gordy started licking it off her, then Angus licked it off her, then she fell in a cupboard and now she is licking it off herself. Are you aware that, as well as that being vair, vair disgusting, she may well catch Black Death?"

Mutti said, "Sssh, Gee, I am trying to watch 'How to look fifty years younger'. I wanted to regain my youthful charms,"

I said, "I think you need more than 'fifty years younger',"

She threw the remote at me. She is so violent.

I said, "Fine then, I will go to my room, to be in my room while Libby is contracting Black Death and stinks like a manure field ENCASE ANYONE NOTICED!!"

Mutti said, "Ok, Gee, have fun,"

4 minutes later

My bedroom

She is truly a crap Mutti. I think I should phone social services.

7 minutes later

I was thinking about phoning them, when the phone rang. Maybe the neighbours have complained and social services are phoning us?

I got the phone, I said, "I am so glad you called! My mutti is completely crap and we all are going to contract Black Death and-"

"Calm down, Kittykat, I didn't know you were that happy to hear from me!"

It was Dave.

I said, "Did you get away with everything?"

Dave said, "Yes and no,"

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "I obviously got the blame for the party. Unbelievably she made me clean it all up. By myself. I think it may be against my human rights. I feel like Cinderella, only without the nungas and glass shoe. I think someone will try and give me a poisoned apple soon,"

I said, "The poison apple was Snow White,"

"Ah," said Dave, "I'm not well-acquainted with the Disney Princesses,"

I laughed and I then said, "And the yes part?"

"I got away with the you-staying-over-type fandango,"

"Oh," I said, "What did you say?"

Dave said, "I told her that you didn't stay the night and you had a big bag with you because you brought books and stuff because you heard when she decided to lecture me on my school report and decided to help me,"

"And she believed that," She is dumber that I thought,

"Yep, I can be a very convincing liar when I want to be," said Dave, "But beware Kittykat, you will probably receive a knighthood next time you are over; since I said that she has been singing your praises,"

"Good Grief,"

He said, "Yes, I know. You are quite lucky actually; you are the only girlfriend I have dared to let my loons meet that has not been criticised,"

I said, "What in the name of pantyhose are you on about?"

He said, "Well, according to her, Ellen didn't talk enough yet Rachel talked far too much and Emma talked the right amount but had nothing intelligent to say-"

"And I have my own language to talk in,"

Dave said, "Exactamondo, Sex Kitty," then he said, "Anyway, I must go. I am going to have to catch a few zeds before this gig, Davarella is on the state of collapse," which made me laugh like a loon on loon tablets. We blew kisses down the phone at each other which I thought was a little weird but ho hum pigs bum.

6.00pm

I must start getting ready for the gig!

I know I am officially a girlfriend of a Laugh but I must not lax my appearance. I must still reek of Sex Kittynosity but in a I-have-a-one-and-only-one-type way.

I have my curlers in.

5 minutes later

Plucking to an Inch of my Life

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

6.30pm

I am now baldy baldy (although not in an Uncle Eddy type way) and free from the orang-utan gene.

I am also lurker free, which is always a bonus.

7 minutes later

I had a snoop through Mutti's draws and I found this glittery top. It didn't look like it had been stretched too badly from her hugemongous nunga nungas so I put it on, and my grey mini skirt.

For the piece de resistance I stole Libby's sparkling deely boppers. I checked to make sure they were poo free first though.

7.00pm

Make up time. I put on my make up from Boots.

30 minutes later

Blimey O'Reily's Trousers! All this glitter on my eyes is trés heavy. I can barely open them.

7.30pm

Oh Merde! Trés trés Merde! And also poo!

I took my curlers out and it looked like my head has exploded.

10 minutes later

Crept into the kitchen and ironed my hair. Mutti was in the bathroom drowning Libby and Vati was bowling with his lardy mates so I was Ok. My hair looks better now, although it smells a little on the burnt side of things.

8.30pm

Met the Ace Gang at the Clock Tower as per usual and we walked to the gig together. Rosie attacked us all with glitter spray so we weren't just six girls walking to a gig together, we were six sparkly sex kitties walking to the gig together, ready to take on the world!!

I shouted, in a moment of eupho-watsit and joie de vivre, "Bring on the trouser snakes!!"

Jas said, "Of course you'd know all about that, won't you, Georgia?"

Ooooh, she's playing dirty now.

1 minute later

I pushed her into a bush. Happy days!!

Honey Club

9.00pm

The boys were waiting for us at the bar. Dave the laugh had obviously escape Cinderella duties and was there too. Fabby!! He said, "Woah, glitter!" and he gave me a hug and nuzzled my neck a little, which felt vair groovy.

Then he said, "Gee, did you set your hair on fire? It smells a little burnt,"

I said, "No, I ironed it,"

He looked at me like I was bonkers. Not for long though because Rosie attacked him with the glitter spray.

8 minutes later

I now have a trés glittery boyfriend. We are like the glitter couple!

But everyone was now glittery because RoRo had sprayed us all. It was like a glitter fest!!

4 minutes later

We all did group mad dancing together. We even did some Viking Disco Inferno. The boys are vair keen learners.

11.00pm

Phew, I am tuckered. Mad dancing is very tiring. Dave and I went and sat at a squishy leather sofa thing (i.e. the snog emporium) and had a drink each. We watched Robbie singing his final gig. He did look vair vair groovy, as he is the original Sex God but I can't believe I ever was madly in luuurve with him. He had no personality. I like my boys to be a laugh.

I had some weird leap of love thing and I gave Dave a little snog. I don't think he was expecting it but he snogged me back.

Then Rollo, who'd been sitting near us said, "God, you two snogging is giving me the terminal droop, I must find Jools," and he went back into the crowds on a snog hunt.

3 minutes later

There is a girl spying on me and Dave over her glass few tables away. I think she might be jealous that I have a groovy gravy boyfriend.

2 minutes later

I said to Dave, "Libby was covered in fox poo earlier,"

He said, "What?"

I said, "Yeah, Mutti decided to let her be one with nature and such pants but she fell down a ditch,"

He said, "I love your house, it is so funny,"

I said, "No, you won't when we have Black Death; Libby was licking it off,"

He said, "Erlack!"

1 minute later

The girl is still looking at us. She must have the green-eyed monster really bad.

Unless she is a stalker.

Or wondering why I am wearing deely boppers.

Ho hum pigs bum.

I said to Dave, "But when I told Mutti that Libby may contract Black Death she threw the remote at me!"

He tapped my nose and said, "Ever the drama queen, aren't you, Sex Kitty?" and went to get us another drink.

30 seconds later

The girl watched Dave go to the bar and back. OhmyGiddyGodsPyjamas, it's him she's looking at!

Ah well, at least I know that I have a vair fanciable boyfriend.

4 minutes later

She is still watching us. Well, watching Dave.

1 minute later

It's sort of unnerving actually.

3 minutes later

I should really go over to her and demand why she is looking at us like a looking thing in err…lookland.

4 minutes later

Even Dave's noticed it now.

Dave said, "That girl is staring at us,"

I said, "No, Dave, she's staring at you,"

He said, "Well that is understandable as I am a head-turning biscuit,"

I just looked at him.

Then he said, "Why not give her something to stare at?" and he snogged me.

3 minutes later

Number 5 with a little 6. We wouldn't want to give her porn; just show her that me and Dave are a coupley-type couple.

2 minutes later

She's still watching us. Maybe something is wrong with her and she has a mad seeing-eye-dog disease?

5 minutes later

Gadzooks! She's coming over!!

I detached myself from Dave's mouth and I said, "Can you please stop being so stalkerish?"

She said, "Am not,"

Dave said, "You were staring at us; in my Hornmeister and also biscuit opinion, I count that as quite stalkerish,"

I said, "Can you leave us alone? We are not exhibit type things to be looked at,"

She said, "I had good reason to," then she turned to Dave, "Can I speak to you? In private?"

I said, "Err, no you cannot, whatever you have to say, you can say it in front of me too!"

She said to me, "I think he can answer for himself, love,"

How rude!?

Dave said, "Listen, I really don't mean to be rude but I have no idea who you are so can you just go away?"

That seemed to stump her, "You don't know who I am?"

He shook his head, blankly.

She said, "Oh, you sod! I know my hair is a lot shorter than it used to be and it's been a few years but come on! Surely you must remember me!"

Dave said, "Are you sure it's me you are looking for? Are you sure you haven't got me mixed up with someone else?"

She said, "No, quite sure,"

Who in the name of pantibus is she?

Before I could ask Dave asked, "Who in the name of pantibus are you?"

Blimey, he must be mystic Meg!

She said, "That's really insulting, you know, not knowing me. I'm not going to tell you if you don't remember," and she looked thoughtful for a bit then said, "Got it," and she pulled her hair into two piggy tails. She that really mad layered hair and it kept falling out of her hands, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I wonder whether I should call the white coats for her? We watched her for a bit like she was bonkers (which she is) and Dave seemed as bewildered as me until he obviously suddenly recognized her because his eyes went a bit wide and he said, "Amber?!"

Huh?

And that's your lot!

So who is Amber? An old mate? An ex girlfriend? A long lost cousin? A fellow camel rider? A traffic light?

You'll have to wait until Back onto the Horns of the Watsit to find out- aren't I the cruelest?