You've all made me so happy with your reviews! It's amazing to know that you've missed me as much as I've missed you. Everything is slowly getting better though. I promise my updating wait times will not be three months long! I'm anticipating a week or two at the most, my lovelies. Depends on this JOB INTERVIEW! Boom, good news. Okay, ON WITH IT.

This word comes from KrakenJackOldNo.7, good on ya! Significant time jump, but that's nothing new with me. Lol. I do that a lot. I'm not usually one to drag a story on unnecessarilly... (Bit of humor there, ha.)

Disclaimer: Own nothing but the plot, get no dollahz.

These Words

-Numb-

Seeing Beck at school was nothing to me. Not since the morning Tori's father passed. From that point any pain I'd felt for him morphed into intense anger, just like everything else with me usually does. And just like everything else, the anger turned into a sort of numb indifference. My glares faded into glances, and my glances faded into shrugs, until looking at him only happened if he was in my direct line of sight while I was trying to see something else. That something else was usually Tori.

It was rare that I would have to see him while looking at Tori but there were more than a few times I'd caught them talking in the halls of school and the numb indifference ignited into an inferno of white hot rage once again. A million different thoughts would fly through my head, seething about what their topic of conversation could possibly be. I'd even grown paranoid enough to believe that it was Beck's fault that Tori was growing so cold but every time I asked her about it, she would explain the conversation to me without any hidden meanings and I'd have no choice but to believe her. Why would she lie? To protect me? That's not Tori. According to her words, I never even come up in their conversations. I don't know if I should be relieved or offended by this. Numb indifference, it never fails.

I spend every moment I possibly can with Tori - now that I've come to terms with my feelings for her - but it seems like she drifts away from me more and more with each passing day. I've never been known for my copious amounts of patience but the small amount that I am able to spare is fading fast. It's been months since Papa Vega croaked and she's just getting more distant with time and it seems she's using his death as an excuse to pull away from me. Of course I don't expect her to be okay just yet but she should really be more okay than this, right?

No, probably not. Look how long I spent pining over Beck and he was just a boyfriend. But that doesn't explain all of it. I can't touch her anymore without her shrugging me off, I can't hug her without her back growing stiff, and if she looks at me - if our eyes meet - a sadness I'd never seen in anyone before clouds her chocolate-brown eyes and she looks away. Usually to stare at the floor. My heart breaks every time it happens and that pisses me off. Which isn't good because I don't want this anger to fade into indifference of any kind. I never want anything that I feel about Tori to fade, terrifyingly enough.

There have been nights that I've caught myself wishing on every star in the sky that Tori could find the numbness that I've come to rely on - to give her some peace in her mind, even if it's just for one day. I miss the old Tori. The usual spring in her step was replaced with a slouch while her feet were dragging. The fake smile she always had plastered on her lips was nothing more than the ghost of the once brilliant grin she used to wear. Everyone can see it, and I mean everyone. People that have never spoken to her in her life walk up and ask her if she's alright, yet she continues with the facade of happiness that we can all see through. I suppose she's trying to settle into some kind of routine that she thinks is it for her.

My stomach rolled dangerously at that prospect. Tori Vega - sweet, vibrant Vega - putting on a fake smile every day for the rest of her life, never to be happy again. Just like me... I would never allow that. No. Today is the day that I snap her the fuck out of this ridiculous funk.

As if right on que my phone began to project the sound of dying pigs into the blackness of my room, startling me. I laughed out loud at myself, I'd forgotten I set that as my alarm tone after smashing my bedside alarm clock into pieces. It was right after a particularly annoying day and the thought of dying pigs ended up making me feel much better. Don't bother asking me why.

After I shut the alarm off, my phone vibrated in my hand, signaling the arrival of a text message. As expected.

From: Vega

Received: 5:16 AM

morning i will be ready b then?

We'd fallen back into our 'one text in the morning' routine, I made sure of it. If she didn't text me by six at the latest, I would call her and wake her up. Eventually she got the hint I was forcing down her throat and it's been this way ever since. I replied with a playful "affirmative," and dressed quickly, foregoing the usual morning shower.

Picking Tori up was usually the highlight of my day. It sounds ridiculous and sappy but I tend to miss her the nights I don't stay at her house. It's been weeks since that's happened, so I miss her more often than not. She stopped inviting me in, so I stopped coming in. Now she usually thanks me and I head home to sit at my house alone, not doing homework.

By the time six o'clock rolled around I was already waiting impatiently in her driveway, fingers drumming noisily on the steering wheel. Proof that waiting this long for Tori to snap out of it is nothing short of a miracle. I can't even stand waiting for two minutes in her driveway without getting antsy. It always seemed worth it though, because when she walked out of her door a smile would break out on my face. Never long enough for her to see, but it's always there.

Another minute's worth of waiting and the front door of her house opened. Her usually tight jeans were replaced with sweatpants and a small tank top. She was more about comfort than presentation nowadays. At least her hair is brushed this time. Regardless, she's still pretty sexy to me.

"Hey." I said as she plopped into the passenger seat. "Ready for another day at Hollywood Arts?"

She scoffed as her seatbelt clicked into place, and her bag was stuffed beneath the seat. "Yeah, as ready as any other day." She avoided my gaze as usual, so I just sighed and threw the car into reverse.

We drove in silence for a few minutes before I couldn't stand it anymore. "Do you even want to go?"

"No, not really. But what choice do I have? My mom has enough to deal with without having a delinquent daughter that skips school on her hands." She replied.

"Fuck that." I said, pulling to the side of the road. "Missing one day won't hurt." I started to turn the steering wheel but Tori's hand reached out and stopped it before I got far enough to spin the vehicle around.

"No, Jade." She said in her best stern voice.

My eyebrow shot up in mock intrigue. "Wow." I said.

"What?" Her hand was still clutching the wheel, this is honestly the closest she's been to me in a month without flinching away.

"I didn't know you even knew how to pronounce that word." I replied sarcastically, peeling her fingers away slowly. "It sounds almost foreign when you say it."

Her expression was blank for a moment as she stared at me and then she giggled lightly. It was all I could do not to break out into a satisfied smile. It's working already. "I suppose I would be better off if I learned to use it more." She said.

I nodded. "Too true, Vega, but not this time."

"Jade, come on! Why's it always got to be your way?" She huffed, folding her arms across her chest.

"Because I was saying no before I even knew what yes meant." I said, and I steered us all the way back toward - and then passed - her house, away from the prison that school had become.

.+.+.+.+.+.+.

There wasn't much either of us felt like doing, honestly, so we settled for silence on the deserted beach. The warm sun was nice but with my fair skin, being out here for too much longer may give me cancer. Regardless, it started to work a little. Tori was letting out small sighs of content, and she didn't move away too far when I laid down next to her. It won't be silent for much longer anyway - I'm only human though, I need time to mentally prepare. It's not every day that I make the decision to talk about my own feelings. Another reason I have to discuss all of this bullshit with Tori. She's changing me, and I don't know whether to run away or embrace it. This isn't a Beck situation. No, this is much more... potent?

"Hey Vega?" I started, and then mentally cussed at myself for sounding so... fuckin' pathetic.

"Hmm?" She hummed in response. She was lying on her back with her eyes closed, bathing langoriously in the sun. Wearing nothing but her bikini...

I had to pause because even though I've fretted endlessly about this conversation, I never actually took any of that time to think about what I'm going to say. Nice going, West. You rock. "Tell me how you're feeling." It works.

"Warm." She giggled out.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "That's not what I meant."

"I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling."

"But I want to talk about it." I countered almost forcefully. Her eyebrow twitched but other than that I was met with silence from her. I sighed heavily and sat up, turning my body so that I was facing her. I got the best look I've had of her almost-nude form all day and I couldn't help the small sexual charge that flowed through me despite all of the shit that's on my mind. There was something about her perfectly smooth, coffee-colored skin that just drove me completely insane. "Tori." I said in a shakey, yet demanding voice. I'm proud of it though, especially since I'm experiencing some inner turmoil at the moment. "We need to talk."

"Jade West talking about feelings? Without shackles and needle-nose pliers? That's new." She sat up and crossed her legs, but she didn't face me. I had the urge to reach out and force her to look me in the eyes. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. At least, not anything I know of. I did something wrong, but you're too distant to read at this point and it's pissing me off. If you weren't so withdrawn from... just everything I would've been able to find a way of doing this that doesn't have me completely out of my element. But that's not the case, so tell me how you're feeling before I have to force it out of you." There, take that, Vega.

My smug attitude dissipated as Tori curled into herself, pulling her legs up to her chest and hugging them tightly. "I don't know, really. I guess I'm just... numb. I mean, I'm not happy but the sadness isn't suffocating me anymore." Well I suppose that's what I get for wishing she would be numb. It sounded good at the time but now that I think about it; being numb isn't all that great either.

Her chin landed soundly atop her knees and I almost had to cringe at the sight. She looks so fragile, anything I say could break her... again. "It still hurts... All of it, my dad, you, and my mom's sulking isn't helping much either. I'm just glad she's going back to work again. Trina and I have been there for her as much as we could be but she needs her friends and colleagues. People her own age. Trina has some friends at school so she's dealing with it her own way." The sadness in her eyes came back with full force as she said, "I guess how I'm feeling is just too hard to explain."

"I don't believe that." I said. "You've never been one to hold anything in. You're all about talking about feelings and shit. I get that your dad's death sucked more than I could ever imagine but this isn't you, and I..." I paused. I'm about to say something extremely sappy and I hate it. "If you repeat this, consider your reputaion at Hollywood Arts trashed - but I miss you, the old you."

Tori laughed out loud, a dry but genuine laugh, and her eyes closed so she could turn her face to me without meeting my eyes. To anyone else, she'd just look relaxed and tired, but I'm not a fuckin' idiot. "The old me? I don't even remember who the old me is."

"That shit pisses me off too. Why do you go out of your way to make sure you don't look at me? And the old you is still there, Vega. You just have to pull your head out of your ass and find her." I can't explain to you how bad I just want to shove her over and force her to look at me.

She was silent for a while before replying. I could see her eyes move beneath her lids as she thought about what to say next. It was getting almost awkward before she spoke again. "Looking at you... hurts."

Okay, offensive much? "Hey, I know I fucked up but it's not like we were a couple at the time and I was still confused about Beck." Her bottom lip twitched at the sound of his name and my heart clenched. It's damn near nothing to me anymore to say his name but I never really grew enough balls to talk to her about it. Until now, that is.

"It doesn't matter, Jade." She said, pulling her legs even closer to her body. "Mom has her friends, Trina sort of has her friends, you have Beck. I'm used to dealing with stuff alone. You don't need to be here, Jade."

"So you're saying your feelings about me have changed?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"That's not what I said at all, Jade."

"Will you stop saying my name like that? And would you please just look at me?" I hate being confused, I hate it so much - and talking about this shit is just making it worse, not better. She's not making any sense at all!

"What did you bring me here for? What do you want me to say?" She's angry too, probably confused. That makes me feel better, so I smiled. A smile she didn't see and so it didn't make her angry.

I reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling it away from her legs. "Look at me, Tori. You're acting ridiculous."

"We should just go to school." She said.

"No." I said a little louder than I intended. "We're solving shit right here, right now." She moved to get up and walk away but I pulled her back down so she was lying on her back. Quickly, I placed my hands on her shoulders to pin her down, but I made sure not to make it seem like I was trying to hurt her. That's the last thing I need is for Tori to think I'm like Ryder in any way... "Talk to me. Look at me in the eyes and talk to me." I pleaded with her.

I felt her shoulders go slack beneath me in defeat and her eyes finally met mine. There was conflict and pain in them but they still held some of what I used to see there. Fire, life... love. "What do you want me to say?" She asked again, but this time her voice was soft and shakey.

"Everything." I replied, letting up on some of the pressure I had forced on her.

"Fine. You want to hear it? I miss my dad, I miss him every day and it hasn't gotten any easier. It feels like it never will. I thought I could do it alone, I have to! Trina and mom are getting better so I have to pretend that I am too, but the truth is I'm not. They have people, they have loved ones to help. Even you're looking less broken, now that you're back with Beck-"

I interrupted her rant with a loud laugh. "Back with Beck?"

She glared at me, but continued nonetheless. "Yeah, it's obvious. The phone call, and now you don't get that sad look on your face whenever you see him. You've been spending so much time with me, and you just got him back. He always looks so sad when we talk. I feel terrible for keeping you from him, and that's why I pull away. You don't have to shut him out for me anymore, I'll be okay."

She was done talking but I said, "Shut up, Vega." anyway. I rolled onto my back and laid down next to her. "I'm where I want to be. You're just talking crazy talk. Back with Beck, my ass." There was an overwhelming sense of relief coursing through my veins at this point. How ridiculous, although I could see why she would think that. Come to think of it, all of this mindless worry and anger for a little misunderstanding? That pisses me off as well.

I felt her body shift next to mine and so I turned my head to see her staring at me in confusion. "You're not with Beck?"

"No, that night was a mistake. A stupid mistake that I actually regret. Beck and I haven't even spoken since then because I told him to forget that I existed. Honestly, I thought he was saying shit to you that was making you pull away from me, that's why I always grilled you after I saw you two talking. I want you, not Beck, I realized that on that very night. Just didn't know if I should say it so soon after... Well you know." I said, watching the emotions fly across her face faster than my car could go. I chuckled lightly. "You know, it's funny watching you-"

Before I could finish my sentence, Tori's lips were on mine, effectively shutting me up. And then they were gone again. "Sorry, I just... I'm happy?" She babbled out, scrambling to move away from me.

I caught her by the arm again and pulled her back to me, she landed half on top of me. I smiled as the shock faded from her face and I kissed her again. Her softs lips were so warm against mine, it felt so good to finally kiss Tori. Well, without having any reason other than just wanting to. And boy did I ever want to.

So now the smut can begin in the next chapter! Yaaaaay! That wait sucked, I know, but we're there people! We're finally THERE! MWAH!