This chapter is all my thoughts, put into Eli's life.
Hopefully it doesnt bore you to death.
So many thigns crossed my mind.
Julia, Clare, death.
What was becoming of me?
Was my sanity slowly fading away?
Did I have sanity left at all?
Was I ever going to stop talking to myself?
Talking to myself made me more paranoid.
It always felt like people knew my thoughts.
It felt like they were judging me for it.
I wasnt perfect.
I had a troubled life.
*"Eli, go away. I dont want to see your face ever again!"
"Julia, I love you. Please listen to me. Im begging you."
"No, you've said enough. Leave me alone."
And with that, she was gone.
Seeing her life being taken from her in an instant.
Im standing here, realizing I just lost her.
And there was no getting her back.
What had I done?
This was all my fault.
How was I going to live with myself?
I just watched my girlfriend die.
And I didnt stop her.
Im standing here, scraeming at the top of my lungs.
Can anyone hear me?
Does anyone care?
Of course they care Eli.
They just care more about the dead girl laying in your arms.
Tears flooding my face, blurring all sight.
I couldnt think, I couldnt breathe.*
When Julia died, my whole world came to a stop.
I didnt think I could go on without her.
I remeber standing in my bathroom, with the razor blade to my wrist.
My body told me to do it, but something was stopping me.
Honestly, it felt like Julia telling me it was going to get better.
I wanted to believe it would, but how could it?
She was gone, and it was all my fault.
When Clare came along, I knew I had a reason to live again.
Seeing her that day, looking into her eyes..
I knew that girl was going to change my life.
And she did.
My passion and love came back when I was with her.
I had no regret, no doubt or sadness.
Clare made the world feel right again.
*I dont know where I am, why Im in pain, or even what happened.
Someone keeps screaming my name, but its very faint. But it was Clare, I knew it.
As loud as I screamed back at her, she never heard me. Why? Why couldnt she hear me?
I needed to know what was going on? I tried to sit up and all I heard was a flatline ring.
Why wasnt anthing going right? Why?
Why didnt I just stay there?
Why was i so fucking stupid?
Once I realized i was in a hospital bed, these thoughts flooded my mind.*
Remembering that day, brought back my safe place.
This in-between? What was so speical about it?
I was all alone, in this perfect world.
Yet, no one I cared about was there.
I was alone. But still safe.
I knew I wanted it, but I couldnt have it.
And not being able to have it made me want it even more.
These three thoughts kill me everyday.
What if Julia and I never faught?
Would she still be in my arms?
Where would Clare be? She wouldnt be my Clare?
If I never met Clare, I would have never faced death.
I wouldnt have the safe place I could go to.
The place where it all went away.
All this was eating me alive inside.
OKAY! so, uhmm..yeah..
not mre more I can say then what this all says.