Chapter 14 – Pushing the boundaries

Five days had passed since Kaidan had issued his rambling, awkward invitation to Shepard about their relationship. The crew had found out almost immediately, a volley of teasing being launched Shepard's way about turning into a fuddy-duddy old man - it seemed the entire crew had had Kaidan pegged as the serious, settling down type, right from the start.

Which wasn't to say he hadn't suffered from his own dose of teasing. Ashley had been predictably delighted, launching into more and more elaborate plans for the couple's future as she got more and more drunk on poker night. Liara had privately thanked him for taking her advice seriously, and had expressed her hope that Shepard found whatever he had been looking for in the relationship. And Garrus had pulled him aside, fixed him with a steely glare… and told him not to put up with any of Shepard's shit. Tell it like it is, he'd said, and the reckless Commander was almost certain to fall into line. Almost, he emphasised, because ultimately, he would do what he believed was best for the galaxy, and best for his crew, and no force in the galaxy would ever stand in the way of that.

And all in all, over those five days, Kaidan had been ridiculously happy. Shepard had been true to his word, taking things slow, giving Kaidan the space to be sure about what he wanted, but also more than willing to move things along, if Kaidan decided he was ready. It had been blissful, Kaidan able to relax and enjoy the kind of relationship he'd spent years believing could only ever be a dream, daring to dip his toes into the physical side of his sexuality, and confident that Shepard would stop on a dime, if need be. Because for all his trust in the man, and for all his desire to progress things into the bedroom, Kaidan was realistic enough to realise that ghosts like his weren't vanquished overnight.

He'd frozen, the first time Shepard had kissed him. It had been in his cabin, Kaidan finally seeing the inside of his quarters, and wow, who the hell stuck a fish tank like that in a war ship? The models had been another surprise, quaint and delicate in a way he had never associated with Shepard. And then he'd tugged the man closer, on a whim, rather than due to any planned out exercise, and pressed his lips to Shepard's, hoping he took the hint and kissed him back, because after all, it had been a long time for him, and he was rather out of practice. And Shepard had, tenderly sliding a hand around to cup the back of his neck… and Kaidan had just frozen.

Shepard had noticed almost immediately, releasing his hold and stepping back, and then Kaidan had scrambled away, an uncoordinated dash that was entirely involuntary, and Shepard had poured them both a shot of whiskey and simply left Kaidan's on the desk while he retreated across the cabin, giving him plenty of space.

"Sorry," Kaidan had apologised a few minutes later, after draining his glass and getting a handle on himself.

And Shepard had dismissed it with an easy "it's okay." Idle conversation about the decadence of the cabin had followed, and ten minutes later, Kaidan wanted to try it again.

He'd thought about it this time, planned it in his head, imagined what it would feel like and look like, and then he'd slid closer to Shepard on the couch and asked him if he could kiss him, and Shepard had said yes, of course he could. And he'd held still, letting Kaidan make the move, tilting his head cooperatively but keeping his hands to himself, this time. And it had gone much better, leaving Kaidan wanting more, but too nervous to ask for it just then.

They'd progressed in slow, halting steps, gentle touches, a two-steps-forward-one-step-back dance that somehow always left Kaidan wanting more.

Perhaps that was Shepard's plan, all along.

And so now, he found himself here again, in Shepard's cabin, sitting beside him on the couch, wanting more, and determined that he was going to get it, this time.

"Are you sure we're not moving to fast with this?" Shepard asked, watching Kaidan carefully. It had only been five days, after all, since this had even been an option. But weeks of getting to know his CO, slow weeks of learning to trust him, of learning that that trust was held in absolute and sacred safekeeping, meant that this seemed to have been a long time in the making.

"This is fine," Kaidan assured him. And then he told him what he wanted this evening. Both of them naked, free to indulge in the climax that they had both denied themselves all week. No actual penetration… and then, in the middle of that statement, Kaidan chocked on his words, suddenly reminded of something that had slipped his mind before, had been dismissed because for so long, he had never, ever thought it would come around again. "Um… I can't… It's not possible for you to…" He trailed off, face bright red, sure that he was about to disappoint his would-be lover in a horrendous way.

"What's not possible?" Shepard prompted him gently, stroking his thumb over Kaidan's hand again, in that way that made Kaidan think about other things being stroked…

"You can't… um… I can't have you inside me. Ever. Last time there was too much damage, and the doctor said I shouldn't… ever do that again." Just one more thing Quinn had taken from him. "Sorry."

"Fuck! Don't ever apologise for that!" Shepard demanded angrily, then he apologised himself, as Kaidan flinched at his angry tone. "It's fine," he said, trying to sound reassuring, though the anger still lingered.

"You're not disappointed?"

"There's more than one way to have fun," Shepard said, with a glint in his eye, and though Kaidan wanted to believe him, he still felt a lingering inadequacy. But then Shepard was stroking his shoulders, kissing his hand, edging closer to press their lips together, and Kaidan forgot the shame and regret and just let himself enjoy these moments.

"I don't want to rush you," Shepard repeated. But a stray, sideways glance brought Kaidan's attention to the bed. The wide, firm bed, big enough for two… But he was a little surprised at himself when he realised that the bed didn't pose any kind of threat to his subconscious. Last time, it had been a dark alley, the hard ground. Here, with welcoming lights and a comfortable mattress, the atmosphere exuded care and peacefulness, and he welcomed the sensations, letting himself lean further into Shepard's touch.

"I want this," he affirmed, sliding his arms around Shepard's shoulders.

"Then let's take it slowly," Shepard said, and Kaidan felt a flare of disappointed, worried that tonight was going to end like every other night this week – both of them keeping their pants firmly on and Kaidan being sent back to the crew quarters after some light petting and passionate kisses that inflamed his libido but did nothing to satisfy it.

But hell, he thought, as he leaned into Shepard's kiss and ran his hands down his toned chest, over rippling abs, if Bailey could convince Shepard to back off a C-Sec investigation, then surely Kaidan could convince him to take his pants off.

The rest of this chapter has been removed due to rules about explicit content. You can read the full version at 'Archive of Our Own' under the same title and author.