Echoes Of A Nearby Future
Chapter Fourteen
Wendy opened her eyes as she heard a woman's voice echo off the walls of her hospital room. "I'll have to call you back…" the statuesque woman said to her smartphone as she noticed the redhead had awoken. "Ms. Corduroy… My name's Doctor Claire Bourdais and I'm one of the psychologists here" the tall woman said to her patient as she took a seat in a plastic chair beside the hospital bed. By Wendy's guess she had to be over six feet tall, with long, flowing chestnut hair falling to about midway down her back. She wore a pair of charcoal dress pants, a sky blue button up blouse and a white doctor's lab coat.
"So… Gwendolyn I underst -" the doctor began to say before being cut off by the bedridden ginger. "Wendy… Please… Call me Wendy…" the auburn haired woman said in a raspy voice. Reaching to her right she grasped her water mug and brought the straw to her lips. After taking a few gulps of the room temperature water, her softer voice returned. "Sorry… Wendy, I understand that you came in yesterday evening… Is that right?" the woman asked the young officer. "Yeah…" she responded in a shy voice to the psychologist's question. "Okay, good. I know you've spoken to a lot of people overnight; probably met lots of doctors and nurses. Have you had any sleep at all?" the brown haired woman inquired. "Um… I may have drifted off… once or twice… but not much" Wendy said as she pinched the bridge of her nose with her index and thumb.
"Okay… did you have any breakfast at all?" the psychiatrist asked. Wendy shook her head no as the back of her head rubbed against the pillow it was propped up against. "Well… like I said, my name's Claire… Claire Bourdais… and I'm a psychologist here in the emergency department. I guess what I need to do is find out a bit more about what happened…" the woman in the white lab coat said as she placed her hands on her knees. "Obviously things are pretty awful…" the doctor said as Wendy turned and faced her. "Yeah…" the auburn haired woman said as she locked eyes with the brown haired psychologist. "So… what's happened for things to get to this point? From what I understand, the people who saw you last night told me that you slit your wrist with a knife…" Claire said with a calm voice as she continued to search the emerald eyes of the young woman.
"Yeah… I guess I took the knife… and… um… yeah um…" Wendy said as she lay her head back against the pillow as tears began to form in her eyes. "Yeah… and I took it and just… uh… cut my arm… th- that's about it" the redhead said as she sniffled. "Okay… I figured things must have gotten really, really bad for things to get to that point" Claire said as she rested her elbows on her knees and maintained eye contact with the upset officer. "I don't think anybody gets to that point unless they're feeling like that's the only option for them" the lab coat clad woman continued. "Yeah…" sniffled Wendy. "What's happened for things to get that bad?" inquired the doctor in a soft voice. "I don't… I guess… I just felt guilty I guess… about what happened to… to Mabel an-and Pacifica…" the young woman continued to weep. "I-I just feel like things would be better if I weren't around…" Wendy said as she chased a sniffle away. "Better for everyone if you weren't alive? I-Is that what you mean?" the chestnut haired woman asked as she leaned in a bit with a concerned look on her face.
"Yeah" the auburn haired woman said as she began to breathe heavy and again sniffled, trying with all her might to hold back the barrage of tears that formed in her eyes. "How long have you been feeling that way for?" Claire asked. "Since the night of the robbery…" the young woman said as she rubbed her eye before continuing. "And after that… people starting saying things when I was out and about…" Wendy shared as she chased a rogue tear from her cheek. "Hmm… so what kind of things did people say about you?" the psychologist asked while studying her patient's face. "Just… Just stuff that I thought they wouldn't say…" the redhead said as she took a deep breath and sniffled yet again. "Stuff like… Like I let it happen… And I was a disgrace… Just stupid things I guess…" Wendy said as she laid her head back against the pillow. "So… awful things that people were saying about you. Who was saying these things about you?" Dr. Bourdais asked the ginger woman. Wendy drew a deep breath as she replied,"I dunno… just townsfolk when I was out and about…"
Claire sat up in the chair and locked eyes with the clearly troubled young woman. "Is it people you know?" she said as the doctor began to speak with her hands. Wendy wiped away tears before continuing, "Well… It is a small town… But no… Not anyone I know closely. N-Not like friends or… or family or anything like that…" the freckled woman completed her thought. "So, very… very hurtful things being said when they think you can't hear them?" the thirty two year old doctor asked. The redhead sniffled a bit as her question seemed to hit close to home. "Yeah" the officer chuckled before continuing. "Guess my wilderness tracking skills let me hear better than most people do…" she finished as she shrugged her shoulders. A long silence filled the hospital room. Wendy knew that she should give truthful answers to the woman, as she was trying to help her out. Claire felt as if she had earned a bit of trust with the young woman and began to get to the meat of her questions.
"Does anyone know what's been happening? Have you spoken to anyone about it?" the seasoned psychologist asked as she tried to delve deeper into the troubled officer's psyche. "Ummm… No…" the auburn haired woman replied as she quickly shook her head back and forth and crossed her right arm across her body. "And… And this was the first time? I-Is that right?" Dr. Bourdais asked as her patient nodded her head quickly that it was. "And how have you been feeling these past few weeks? Just recently… and particularly yesterday… is this the worst you've ever felt?" Claire inquired. Wendy hesitated a moment before responding. "Yeah" she whispered and nodded her head. "Okay" was all the doctor had to say as she let Wendy continue.
The young woman turned her head away quickly in a bit of shame, drew a deep breath, sniffled, wiped a stray tear away and looked down in embarrassment. Claire Bourdais searched the room for a box of tissues for Wendy Corduroy to use. "I'm sorry there are no tissues. When one of the nurses comes by I'll be sure to ask for some… Okay?" the chestnut haired woman offered to her patient. All Wendy could do was nod. She was embarrassed for showing weakness, but at the same time it felt great to just not put up a façade for someone. She didn't know this woman, and outside of this hospital she was fairly certain that she wouldn't see her again, so she saw little harm in opening up; especially if it meant that she could get back to normal.
"Can I ask you a little bit about your life? Where are you living at the moment?" the doctor asked as she tried to steer the direction of the conversation." M-My apartment here in town… just by myself…" Wendy answered. "How do you get along with your parents?" the thirty two year old woman asked the bedridden young woman. "Well… I lost my mom when I was nine… A-And my dad got so angry at me for joining the force that he moved the rest of my family upstate…" the redhead said as she again fought back tears. "I-I'm so sorry to hear that… Does your dad know what's happening?" Dr. Bourdais asked, hoping to find something to help her. "No… Not really…" Wendy said as she looked down once again. "Is he worried about you?" the brown haired woman asked a clearly uncomfortable copper haired woman. "I-I guess so, I mean… He Wh- He's hard to talk to sometimes…" the young woman said as it was clear the psychiatrist had struck a nerve.
"And your brothers? How do you get along with them?" asked Claire. "Fine… We usually don't talk too much… They kinda keep to themselves, but we're close" Wendy said as a small smile breached the face of the ginger girl for the first time in a while as she rubbed her arm in a bit of awkwardness. "I just do my thing and they do theirs…, ya know?" the young officer said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I know families, all families are different, but in your family can you talk about things? Are there ever any problems?" the doctor asked as Wendy quickly nodded that there weren't. "Okay, prior to these last few weeks, have you ever felt this way in the past?" Dr. Bourdais continued. "No" Wendy said as she locked eyes with the woman in the white lab coat.
"Have you ever tried to end your life in the past?" the chestnut haired woman asked her patient. The ginger woman gulped and nodded no before continuing. "Not really" she said with a shrug. "Just uh…" Wendy said as she looked away. "Uh… just stupid little cliché teenage girl things I guess?" the young woman said as she nervously rubbed her arm and looked around the room. "What do you mean by that? What happened?" Claire asked with a concerned voice. "Just… you know… scratches and… um… just nothing serious… really" the redhead explained. "Okay… how often in the past would you scratch yourself?" the doctor asked as she searched for an answer. Wendy looked down and swallowed before answering her interviewer. "Um… Just whenever I felt down… After a break up with a boyfriend… O-Or if I did badly on a test… Just stupid shit like that…" the redhead sheepishly admitted. Why did it feel so good to open herself up to a complete stranger? "Would that be every day?" Claire continued her inquiry.
Wendy bit her lip and looked down before answering. "Sometimes" she admitted to the psychologist. "And when it was every day, how long would it last for? How long would it go on for?" Dr. Bourdais asked her patient. The redhead bit her lip and looked down once again before answering. "I-I don't know… It's hard to say" she answered. "And what would you scratch yourself with?" Claire continued. She was curious to see why such a smart young girl would turn to self-harm to alleviate her pain. Wendy took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "My nails are short because I chew them… So… Um… My folding knife or something… Like an exacto knife my mom used to art and craft with…" she said as tears formed at her eyelids once again. The eldest Corduroy child had shed more tears in the past two weeks than she had in the previous twenty years of her life.
"Did you ever need to have stitches?" Dr. Bourdais asked. The bedridden young woman quickly nodded no. "Did anyone ever know that you were cutting? Perhaps a close friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend?" Claire asked. Wendy whimpered before replying. "No!" she curtly responded. "And when you used to cut, what would it do for you? Would it feel worse… or better? Or anything at all? Would it do anything for how you felt?" the brown haired woman inquired. "Just… um… gave me something to do I guess?" the redhead replied. "Um… I'm so stupid" the young woman whispered before continuing. "Um… I don't know… I just did it…" she said while shrugging. "Well… Sometimes with people I meet, they tell me that they get some kind of relief, and they were feeling really distressed" the thirtysomething doctor shared. "Yeah" Wendy nodded her head in agreement. "It's just a little kind of… Pick me up, like to… Focus more… I read something that said that if you feel different sorts of pain, it helps refocus your mind" the young woman explained. Claire nodded her head in agreement, which came as a bit of a shock to the redhead.
"Yeah, I've had other people tell me that as well. Is that what it did for you? Did it refocus your mind?" the doctor asked. "Yeah, sort of. It's like when you pinch something… It just sort of if you hurt something and it pinches you, you think about the pinch instead of the other stuff…" the auburn haired woman tried to explain. "Okay… If we could just go back to more recent times… What happened yesterday? Can you take me back to yesterday?" the lab coat clad slender woman asked. Wendy put her hand to the side of her face. "Um… I uh… Was working with my friends… And I uh… Just got overwhelmed" the redhead said as she began to breathe heavy, drawing the concern of Dr. Bourdais. "I just couldn't stand to look weak in front of my friends… So I just took off. And I uh… Went to my place and grabbed some beer… I went to visit Mabel and Pacifica in the cemetery. My best friend called and wanted to make sure I was okay." Wendy said as the tears breached her eyelids and ran down her freckled cheeks. She swallowed hard before continuing to recall the previous day. "I… Uh… Called her back and told her I wasn't well…" the redhead said. "I uh… Just uh… Took the knife and just dragged it along my arm…. And yeah…" the twenty year old woman said as she looked down and away from the psychologist that was interviewing her.
"The friend that called you, was that a close friend? Your closest friend?" the brown haired woman asked as she sat a bit more upright in the plastic chair. Wendy nodded that Tambry was indeed her best friend. "Was that a goodbye message? Did you know that you were going to die and that was a way of saying goodbye to her?" Claire inquired. Wendy looked up for a moment and pursed her lips before responding. "I just wanted to tell her that… That's all…" the redhead said as she tried with all her might to fight back tears. Despite her best efforts, the far corner of her eye began to spill some fluid, causing her to wipe them away with her hand before resting the side of her face in it for a brief moment.
"So what is it that you do for work? I know I've been told, but I don't quite remember…" the brown haired woman asked. It was a lie, but the doctor wanted to see her patient's reaction to describing her job. Wendy closed her eyes and drew a deep breath before showing a slight smile on her face. "I'm an officer with the Gravity Falls Police Department. I'm a patrol officer right now… And… I was beginning to study to become a lieutenant in the next little bit. I-I've also always wanted to do something with the schools… like visiting classes and tell them about different things… like conflict resolution and safety… I dunno… things like that I guess…" the young woman said as her eyes lit up a bit. "And how long had you been doing that for?" Dr. Bourdais asked. "Since last fall… so about nine months or so…" Wendy replied. "Had you been enjoying it at any point?" the while lab coat clad woman continued. "Yeah… Yeah… No… I-I loved my job… Protecting my town… I-It was just a huge honor to protect these people… And they were so thankful for what I was doing for them…" Wendy beamed as the smile grew larger and her emerald eyes lit up. "I-I just like helping people out… Tha-That's why I got into it… To help people… " the redhead finished.
"So… When did you stop enjoying the job? Is it related to what happened two weeks ago?" Claire inquired. "Yeah… that's about when I began to doubt if I was ever going to go back… I mean… Why, um, waste my time if these people didn't trust me to protect them and were saying all these mean and nasty things about me behind my back? A-And I wasn't sure I could actually do it… Ya know?" the young woman said as her demeanor had changed once again. Noticing this change, the doctor altered the direction of the conversation. "So… you mentioned that you cut yourself with a knife… Where did you get the knife from?" the brown haired woman asked. "I-I usually keep one on me… It's just been ingrained in me since I was little to always have something like that on my person, ya know? My dad is a lumber jack, so we'd be out in the woods a lot and need to use it quite a bit" the auburn haired woman informed the psychologist. "That makes sense…" Dr. Bourdais replied in an even voice. Wendy looked around the room a bit before she was interrupted by yet another question. "Was… Was this something you planned? Had… Had you gone to the cemetery with the idea of doing this to yourself?" the doctor asked. "No… I was just gonna go there to… um… to… I dunno, just have a few beers and try to calm down…" Wendy said as she looked down and closed her eyes.
"And… When you cut yourself with the knife, what was it that you wanted to happen?" Claire asked as Wendy looked up with her still closed eyes. After drawing a deep breath, the young woman responded. "I just hoped that I would go to sleep for a bit…" the auburn haired twenty year old said as she opened her eyes and looked away from the psychologist before continuing. "I just… couldn't really sleep. I was hoping to just… Rest. Stop…" the redhead paused, still looking away. "Stop what?" Dr. Bourdais leaned in. "Just uh… Not have to deal with anything… Just… Just…" the young woman began to choke up again. After fidgeting her mouth around, she looked up at the ceiling as her eyeballs moved back and forth rapidly. Wendy was clearly uncomfortable with sharing her feelings of not wanting to live anymore. Continuing to nervously move her tongue around her mouth, there was an awkward silence that filled the hospital room as she struggled to put into words how she had felt in the moment.
"Did you want to die? Was that the feeling at the time?" Claire asked as she broke the silence. The doctor breathed in heavily as she waited for a response. It always bothered her to pose this question to her patients, as it was usually met with hostility. Wendy looked away from the concerned doctor before answering. "Um…" was all she could muster as she bit her lower lip in an effort not to cry. "I guess so…" she said as the redhead slightly shrugged. The room had once again fallen silent, save for the somewhat heavy breaths that Wendy drew. After a few moments, Dr. Bourdais broke the tension. "Did you write a note to anybody?" she inquired. After once again biting her lip and darting her eyes back and forth, the patient responded. "Um… no…" she said as she shook her head as well that indicated the answer. A stray tear ran down her freckled cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"Did you contact anyone else besides your friend?" Claire asked. "No… I hadn't been sending much stuff out lately…" the young woman replied as a nurse entered the room. She was relieved to see the temporary distraction, as she had grown a bit annoyed with all the questions being asked of her. She knew the doctor didn't know her and just wanted to get inside her mind and figure out how to help her, but Wendy was beginning to feel restless and just wanted to be alone. "Can you do me a favor?" the brown haired woman asked as she rocked the plastic chair forward, causing the back portion of it to rise off the white tiled floor. The nurse turned away from a machine that was next to the bedridden woman to acknowledge the request. "The next time you go to the nurses station, can you bring us back a box of tissues please?" She asked in a firm, yet kind voice. The nurse nodded that she would before leaving the room, once again leaving Claire and Wendy as the only two occupants.
Wendy looked at the far corner of the room, away from the psychologist that sat beside her. After pursing her lips and moving her eyes around the room for a minute, Dr. Bourdais restarted the conversation. "You said you cut yourself to get some rest… And you mentioned about your sleep… How has sleep been for you recently?" the doctor asked. "Not great… I haven't been sleeping much at all… Usually I've been getting to sleep at about three or four… In the morning…" the redhead said as she looked at the woman in the white lab coat. "And how many hours would you be asleep for?" Claire asked. "I'd probably get up at seven…" Wendy said sheepishly. "So not many hours at all…" Claire said as she scrunched her face a bit. "Do you feel rested in the morning?" she continued. "No, I feel like shit" the auburn haired woman bluntly replied. "You do? Okay? How's your energy been lately?" Dr. Bourdais asked as she nodded her head in agreement with her patient. "I haven't had any lately… I just hang out at home and drink all day…" Wendy said before being interrupted by the returning nurse who brought some tissues. Handing them to the doctor, the nurse walked away. Claire promptly handed the box to Wendy, who removed a few tissues and dabbed her eyes. "Thank you… So yeah… I just wake up and watch some TV or play some games or surf the web and drink… I don't do much of anything… " the eldest Corduroy child said as she drew a deep breath once again.
"So… what happened after you cut yourself? What do you remember?" Claire asked. "I-I don't remember much to be honest… Just closing my eyes and going to sleep…" the young woman said with a sniffle. She had failed to disclose the fact that she had talked with the ghost of Mabel Pines and walked with her to the hospital. Wendy thought best to keep that part to herself, as she was sure that if she had divulged that info she would be sent away to a psychiatric facility. Despite the supernatural nature of the town, there were a lot of people who refused to believe the residents who made claims of such events. "Did it feel like in that time that you wanted your life to be over?" Dr. Bourdais continued her query. The ginger woman drew a deep breath and took a moment before replying. "Yeah…" she said as she closed her eyes and paused for about twenty seconds before continuing her thought. "Yeah… I guess that's what it's all about…" the officer said in a soft voice. Claire hummed and nodded at that revelation from her patient. "What people sometimes tell me is that they feel like it's a solution. They can't stand feeling that way. They can't stand feeling so much pain, emotional pain anymore. Do you feel like that at all?" the brown haired doctor asked as Wendy let out a large sigh. "Just… I mean, some of that day was really nice. But I was just by myself and all of these people, even when they're not there… They're still there. And you know they're there. And… Um… You know that they're still talking about you… Or worrying about you… And I just didn't want to be a part of it anymore…" Wendy explained as she tensed up, clenching her right hand and taking a deep breath as she tried to fight her emotions that battled to expose themselves.
"I understand that after you cut yourself, your friends showed up to the cemetery? Is that right?" Claire asked. "Yeah… I think so…" she replied, not sure whether or not to reveal that she had been out of her own body when she saw Dipper and Tambry arrive at the gruesome scene. She decided against it once again for fear of being diagnosed as utterly insane. "Was this the friend who called you and you called back?" Dr. Bourdais inquired. "Yeah…" the redhead replied with a sniffle. "So, she must have been worried about you" the brown haired doctor said. "Yeah… Well she was supposed to be at work, so I dunno if she was on a break or something…" the young woman said as she locked eyes with the doctor. "So she showed up after you cut yourself?" the white lab coat clad woman continued. "I-I don't know… I guess… I was out by then…" Wendy said.
"I imagine you've met probably a hundred people since you came in… Do you remember the surgery at all?" Claire asked. "No… Not really… It's all been a blur… I guess…" the redhead said in a bit of confusion. It was almost as if the doctor knew she had been out of her body for the time she was transported and operated on. "How are you feeling about still being here? About still being alive?" Dr. Bourdais asked the young woman who had begun to fidget with a used tissue in her hand. Wendy took a moment to contemplate the question and drew a deep breath before beginning her reply. "It's just another thing that I didn't do well… I guess…" the auburn haired woman said in a sarcastic tone. "So you're feeling bad that it didn't work? Is that what you mean?" Claire said with a disappointed voice. Wendy had once again looked away from the doctor. "I just… I don't want to have to see people after this… And them knowing what I did… And them just always worrying… I just… I don't wanna be wrapped up in bubble wrap because everyone is scared… Yeah… I guess I just don't want people to know I've fucked up again…" she finished as she turned to face the psychologist.
"Do you have any hopes that anything can get better?" Claire asked intently. Wendy had begun to sniffle once again as her emotions were at a boil and could erupt at any moment. "I don't know…" was all she was able to mutter before having to take a moment to wipe the tears from her eyes. "It's just really scary…" she said in a raspy voice as she once again paused to dab her eyes with the tissues. With a sniffle, she continued. "It's just… If someone could, like, snap their fingers and make everything better, I dunno… Of course I'd probably take it… But it's just, everything's tangled up and there are too many people involved… I just hate this…" she said as the young officer was losing the battle with her emotions. Once again she wiped away tears with the now ratty tissue before continuing. "It seems like… there's no real easy way out…" the auburn haired woman finished as she broke down.
"This might sound like an unusual question to ask at this point time, but how do you feel about yourself?" Claire asked her upset patient. "What do you mean?" Wendy inquired as she was taken a bit off guard by the question. "Do you like yourself? Do you not like yourself? Some people I meet who are going through a similar point in their life sometimes tell me that they hate themselves" the brown haired doctor explained. "Yeah… I'd say that's probably apt…" she quickly replied. "That you hate yourself?" Claire inquired. "It… Seems stupid to sort of… All these comments… That I can't defend myself because they're basically right… I mean, these people that have been hating me or whatever they do… It's just… I'm not someone of worth…" she tearfully explained.
"Are there any reasons for living? Any reasons to keep going on with life?" Dr. Bourdais asked her young patient. Wendy wiped away the ever increasing tears before answering. "Well… There's people out there that I love… Like Clyde… and Mark… and Jonas… Dad… and my friends…" she struggled to say between sniffles. "Clyde, Mark, and Jonas are your brothers?" Claire asked. "Yeah…" she tearfully answered. "And your dad?" the doctor asked. "Yeah… But, I mean… I love them and everything, but… everything's so tangled up… Everything is easier when it's… Just disconnected from everything… It's just more people to worry about… More people to disappoint… Or have worry about you…" the auburn haired woman explained. It may not have made sense to the doctor, but it did to her. "Do you feel like you're a burden on anybody, like your family? Or your friends?" the brown haired woman asked as she leaned in; her patient's voice had begun to take a more quiet tone. Wendy nodded yes.
"Has anyone else in your family had an issue with depression? Or any other kind of psychological problems?" Claire asked with intent eyes as she observed every movement and expression her patient made, trying to get the clearest picture of the young woman she could. "M-Maybe my dad when mom passed… but I was too young to know for sure…" Wendy informed the doctor. "I-I do have an aunt that's like bi-polar… big swings… things like that… but nothing…" Wendy answered as truthfully as she could. To be honest, she didn't talk much to her extended family, as they tended to creep her out. "I-Is that your mother's sister or your father's sister?" Dr. Bourdais asked with a hint of interest in her voice. "Has she had treatment for her bi-polar, do you know?" the brown haired woman inquired. "I-I don't really know that much about it… Just that she has it…" Wendy answered in a confused tone.
"I'm going to check in with your family anyway, so that's okay… Just in the past few days, you mentioned you haven't slept very well and that you've generally been feeling pretty lousy… Have you felt irritated? Like very anxious and almost kind of a can't sit still feeling?" Claire asked. "Sort of... Like in my head? Does that make sense?" the redhead said with a questioning tone to her voice as she moved around the hospital bed a bit. "Yes, that makes sense… Yup" the doctor reassured the young woman. "Like all I wanna do is sit and lie somewhere. But… I just feel like… I think it happens when you're tired, when you just feel like weirdly far away… far away and small… and, yeah… you're sort of in your body at the same time… That's just kinda what it's been like… I haven't really done much resting… I haven't been focusing very much on any one thing, like I'll click an article and get midway through it and just give up…" Wendy explained. "So, you're concentration hasn't been very good?" Claire asked the bedridden ginger. "Yeah…" the freckled woman said as she gave a nod.
"When would you say was the last time that you were happy in life? Or that you were enjoying life?" the doctor asked in a serious tone. Wendy looked up and pondered the question for a moment with large, tear filled eyes that were quickly reaching maximum capacity and threatened to overflow onto her cheeks below. "Um… I don't… I don't know…" the twenty year old struggled to say. "Th-Those things that I like doing… Like hanging out with my friends… Especially the two that would come up from California every summer… Video game nights at the house… Just stuff where I didn't have to think about anything… It's just that when it's done, you feel the way you did before… Like things go back to the same…" the officer recalled. "Back to feeling awful and back to feeling pretty alone? Is that the feeling you get? Does it feel the same… That you happen to feel pretty isolated?" Claire asked the young woman. "Yeah…" the patient replied in a low voice.
"If I were to ask you, and you know this once again is a fairly difficult question to answer, but if I were to ask you where you thought you were at for risk of suicide when zero is no risk for suicide and ten is definitely where you wanted to die and suicide is the solution to what you were feeling, where would you put yourself between zero and ten?" Claire asked in an intent voice. "Um…" Wendy began as she paused to contemplate the question posed to her. She closed her eyes, bit the tip of her thumb as she formed the rest of the good hand in a fist and drew a deep breath. "A six maybe… I don't know?" the redhead said with a bit of an uneasy smirk. She really didn't know how to feel in the moment and Claire observed that by the odd faces she was making. "And the desire to live, where zero is that there is no desire to live and ten is absolutely wanting to be alive, where would you put yourself?" Dr. Bourdais questioned as the interview began to draw to a close. Once again, Wendy hesitated while fidgeting a bit in the hospital bed. "One" she replied in a soft voice. "Hmm… so no desire at all then?" the brown haired doctor repeated. "I guess… I just don't want to see anyone" the auburn haired woman said as she looked up and away from the interviewer.
"Has anyone called you or messaged you since you've been in here?" Claire questioned her younger patient. "No… It's been turned off" was all Wendy could muster in a weak voice. "Did you turn it off or did it lose charge?" Dr. Bourdais asked her patient. It was important for her to know if the young officer had made any contact with the outside world. "It must have died… Last time I remember using it my battery was pretty low, so it must have shut off… It's got a pretty shitty battery life…" she said with a bit of a furrowed brow. "What would you like to have happen from here? " Claire inquired. After taking a few deep breaths and looking away from the doctor for a moment to collect her emotions, she began to answer. "I just want to…" the redhead said before drawing another deep breath. "Go to sleep maybe? I don't want to see anyone at the moment. Just away…" the young woman said as she closed her eyes. "I-Is there anything that could help?" the lab coat clad woman asked. "I don't… I don't know… Maybe stop being so hard on myself… It just feels so weird to say that I accept that I did all I could… It feels like I am settling for less in a way… That it's okay that I couldn't save Mabel or Pacifica and that I'm fine with that… I'm not… I'll never be…" Wendy said as she had an epiphany. She had put the idea into her head that she couldn't be seen as weak or vulnerable because that just wasn't who everyone expected her to be. There were people who wanted to help and support her, but she driving a wedge between them because she didn't want to ruin the idea of what she thought she was to them. It had never occurred to her that maybe they just liked her because of the person she was and not because of who she was supposed to be.
"Is there anything else I should know at the moment that I haven't asked you?" Claire inquired. "I don't think so?" the young woman asked in an unsure voice. "I've asked more than twenty questions… It must seem like I've asked you one hundred and twenty questions. What questions would you have for me?" the thirty two year old woman asked her patient. "So, did my dad contact you?" the bedridden woman inquired. "He left messages… yeah. You may have met one of the psychiatric nurses that I work with this morning. I know it's hard to tell who's who with as many people that you've met in the last little bit. They told me in a meeting this morning before I came and met with you that he was very interested in talking to me. He's waiting to talk with me in the waiting room at the moment. How would you feel about me talking to him?" the brown haired woman asked as her patient shrugged her shoulders. "Just you going out and talking with him?" she asked as tears filled her eyes. "Yeah" Claire responded. "Fine… I just don't want to see him…" the young woman said as she closed her eyes and looked down. "Why is that?" Dr. Bourdais inquired. After taking a moment to take a deep breath, the redhead opened her green eyes and explained. "I just don't want to see his reaction" she supplied as a response. "How do you think he will react?" the thirty two year old woman probed. "Not well…" she said in a somewhat sarcastic voice. Wendy knew that Dr. Bourdais had never met her father face to face and would quickly become intimidated once his probable anger rose to the surface as details of how she felt were revealed. She worried a bit, as even though her father had a short temper, he did care about his children more than anything in the world. She would feel terrible if his parenting skills were called into question, or even worse their welfare.
"Would he be upset? Or angry?" Claire asked. "Just I don't… I just find it really hard to talk to him…" the young woman said between sniffles. "He'll be really concerned and blame himself… And I just can't talk to him…" Wendy finished. "Okay" was all a somewhat confused psychologist could say. "What other questions would you have?" the doctor asked as she tried to steer the conversation away from her father. "I guess… just what happens now?" the auburn haired woman said with a somewhat concerned face. "I guess that's what we need to figure out. I guess since I can say at the moment, and this is the first time that I've met you, but I'm very, very worried about what you've been through. I'm very sorry to hear just how hard life has become for you. And that's what I would like to look at is how we can help you in any way that we can to get through what has become the most difficult point in your life to date I would think" the doctor said as she locked eyes with her patient.
"So? Do I go home? Or?" the redhead asked as she began to completely break down. "I'd like to come back and speak to you a bit later on after I've talked to your father. I know you're very worried as to how he'll react, but he's known you all your life, so it's very important for me to talk to him as well. But obviously we want to do what's best for you. And for you to understand what's happening and why we might make decisions that we're making… Okay?" Claire explained. "Thank you very much for talking with me… I imagine you must be incredibly tired being awake all night. That's one of the things we need to figure out is how to get more rest during the night. Okay?" Dr. Bourdais said before rising from the plastic chair she had been sitting in for the past hour or so. "Thanks very much" the doctor said as she extended a hand to the bedridden young woman. "Let me shake this hand because your other arm is healing" she explained as the two shook hands. "I'll see you again shortly" the brown haired woman said as she exited the room. Wendy lay her head back on the pillow as she contemplated what had gone on in the last little bit.
Author's Note: So… This ended up being a huge chapter. I just really wanted to get into the whole headspace of Wendy and show that she wasn't as cool as ice. As she revealed one time, she's stressed out quite a bit. It's just that she hides it very well. I'll get back to more of a story in the next chapter, but after speaking to a friend who has gone through something like this, they said it was important turning point when they were interviewed by the psychologist. The next few chapters will be far less depressing as well as I begin to wrap up the main story and start on my slice of life one-shots that will follow this story. Thanks for reading and once again, feel free to leave feedback and reviews. I enjoy reading them and they help me to become a better writer, as I am sort of new to this whole thing.