Hello and welcome again to another fantastic addition to everyone's favorite story, Christmas Tells ALL! This is the place to get all the juicy details on all your favorite cast members. But, of course, you new that.
Everyone: She LIVES!
Santa: Someone hit her with a mallet!
Ha! Nice try! This close to Christmas, I think it's time to bring the story back. I think everyone's waited long enough. Sorry about that by the way.
Jack: Not as sorry as we're going to be.
Carol: Let's get this going. I have a hair appointment at three.
Cool yer jets people. Okay so enough blabbing away. Last time we had a rap battle and an arm wrestling competition where you lovely fans got to vote on the best of the best…and the worst of the worst. Our rap battle was between first Neil and Santa and then Jack and Bernard. We'll announce the winner after all the requests are done and the final epic rap battle shall commence! And as for Bernard and Jack's wrestling match, how's it going boys?
Bernard: I hate life!
Jack: My arm is pudding!
Yeah…maybe making them arm wrestle the entire time this addition was on hold was a bad idea. But I give you both A's for endurance! Now on to our first fan. Please welcome, Anna! She says: I vote for Neil, Jack and Jack. Neil owned Santa and Jack always owns Bernard. It is what it is. I can think of nothing else to write so...bye!
Okay! We'll chalk up your vote for the end of the episode. Thank you! Next awesome fan is Swedish who asks: I have to agree with Anna. My vote is the same as her's. However, I do have a dare. I dare Mother Nature to counsel Laura and Carol on their marriages to Scott. You decide what questions are going to be asked. Oh-and make Freddy have a cameo somewhere in the fic! Please?
MN: Alright ladies, let's sit down and talk about our feelings hm?
Laura: I live with a psychiatrist. This is like a pair of comfortable shoes for me.
Carol: How lovely.
MN: Okay so Laura, how do you feel about Scott?
Laura: It's completely over. I'm happily married and not in the least bit jealous of Carol.
MN: I didn't ask that.
Laura: Well I'm not! I mean, why would I be mad that I left my idiot husband and then he turns into this MAGICAL being that's so full of love and wonder? Why would I be jealous of Carol because Scott is giving her everything I could never have with him? It's because you're blond isn't it?
Carol: O.O
MN: I think it's time to calm down…
Laura: I don't need to calm down. I'd rather be with Freddy Krueger than with Scott!
Freddy: Well hello ladies.
MN: Good heavens! I'd better be getting paid over time for this.
(I do not own Freddy Krueger or any of his awesomeness. He's here just to have some fun and is not under contract)
Freddy: Right. Some FUN. (Flicks his knifed hand) I believe I was requested. So Mother N, I'll take over from here.
MN: Fine with me.
Freddy: Okay um, Laura I see you have some built up anger. Have you ever considered assassination?
Laura:…
Freddy: You're absolutely right. Costs too much. How about you just do the job yourself?
Laura: What are you-
Freddy: I think you know. Here's my card. I'll be in your dreams. (Winks and disappears)
Carol: I'm….leaving now.
Whoa. Okay so while Carol tries to save her behind, let's move on to our next fan request. This one comes from Snow Miser's Lady who asks: Neil definitely beat Santa, and Jack's a boss. He would win the arm wrestling and he totally won the rap battle. Mother Nature, you crafty she-devil. Off to the hellhounds with you! I'm just kidding. I have to give you props for using a loophole. Mother Nature, are you a fan of Barbossa or something? That was a Barbossa move. On the bright side, Jack, I will celebrate your holiday every leap year. Okay. On another strange note, due to fellow reviewers' lovely dares, I dare for the guys to engage in a Yo Mama jokes contest
MN: No I am not familiar with Barbossa. I'm just cool like that. (winks)
Oh boy! Mama jokes! Okay so boys, this is all you. That means Scott, Charlie, Bernard, Curtis, Jack, and Neil get up here! Santa, start us off!
Santa: Jack, your mama so fat that when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up.
Jack: Santa, your mama so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said , "I can't fix that!"
Bernard: Curtis, your mama so ugly it looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Curtis: Oh yeah well, your mama so ugly…that she's fat too!
Bernard: ….NEIL your mama so old when I told her to act her own age she died.
Neil: Yeah well Charlie, your mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Laura: NEIL!
Neil: OOPS! I mean, I love you dear!
Charlie: Your mama so stupid she gave birth to you Neil. (Falls over laughing)
Okay I think that's enough. All yo mama's are going to kill you after that! Now onto our next wonderful request/ question! This one comes from none other than Hotarukiryu who asks us: Nice loved the head elf acting as morlock. Jack why don't you ask princess snow to help you a bit? I hope you all had a happy halloween.
And a happy Halloween/ late Thanksgiving/ early Christmas to you!
Jack: That's a great idea! Help me princess!
Good luck. On to the next caller. Ha! I sound like a talk show! Okay anyways, welcome Rosebud5 who asks: To my good friend Bernard,Hey there! It's Rosey again. So I was thinking to myself just today "Self, Bernard has the coolest hair of anybody ever. I'd sure like to know how he keeps it so awesome and curly." And so here I am asking you. Hurrah! I hope you are doing well and your concussion is healing. If not, I'd get it looked at by a doctor. Just a friend and fellow Christmas fanatic,Rosey
Bernard: Aww thanks for the concern but I'm feeling much better. Apparently all it took was a warm mug of cocoa. As for my hair, it's always been this curly. The only tricks I have are to use a wet comb and not a hairbrush because it makes my hair extremely frizzy and a hat looks good to tame the top a bit.
Jack: And that was Bernard, the most feministic elf this side of Elfsburg! Come get your special hair advic now ladies!
Bernard: How did I know you couldn't keep your big mouth shut?
Jack: Just a lucky guess I suppose salt lick.
Okay boys I'm getting sick of this constant fighting like preteen girls! One more outburst and I'm canceling the arm wrestling match and having you both tied and put in separate rooms!
Bernard: Can't wait. Can we just get this chapter over with so I can go back to my happiness?
Curtis: Since when are you happy?
Curtis that counts for you too.
Curtis: Aww.
Okay before heads start rolling, let's welcome our next guest. Please say hello to Aquette Calvin.
Everyone: Hello Aquette Calvin
Welcome and before we answer your awesome questions I have one of my won. How do you pronounce Aquette? It sounds pretty awesome the way I'm saying it but it's probably not right either. Okay so Aquette Calvin asks us: hey ya'll! im new i know, but i read all of these and just about died laughing! you guys are so awesome although i have to give props to the author she rocks :). anyways i am such an overly obsessed SC fan, i have actually memorized The Santa Clause, like the actual Clause. ya i know im weird. so... my question for anyone who can answer: who came up with the clauses? and when were they created?also, a question for scott (love ya santa3): if you had a daughter what would you name her? because i have set up a story i play with my friends and in it... well my OC happens to be your daughter. Aquette Calvin... but ya just curious what you would name a your little girl should you have and jack, you suck, just sayin.
Santa: Well if you think Jack sucks then you are welcome to the family any day of the year!
Jack: HEY!
Thanks(blushes) I try to be a good and kind host. Isn't that right?
Everyone: (Backs away slowly. )
Bernard: I can answer the clause question.
Have at it.
Bernard: The clauses were created following the very first Santa to come to the north pole. We all realized how important this was to have a deliverer for our gifts and the legendary council came up with a back up plan(the first clause), and an assurance(the second clause). We needed to make sure that Santa was not only to be replaced in emergency but that he was happy with the possibility of children also to pass on the generation. As for the Escape Clause, that came later on when our 24th Santa came along. It was one of the closest things to pure destruction that all of Elfsburg had ever seen. The man went insane under the pressure, started doing terrible things to the elves, and the legendary figures held a meeting to find a way to rid themselves of the Santa without pushing him off a roof. So they hatched the Escape Clause and the vile Santa was tricked into holding the snow globe. Let's just say it didn't take much for him to say he wished he had never become Santa.
Wow. That's some crazy stuff!
Santa: I didn't even know half of that!
MN: It's true. Those were dark days for the legendary figures.
Santa: Okay so If I had a daughter I'd name her Frankie.
Carol: Frankie? No way would I ever name our daughter Frankie. I'd like something sweeter, like Evangeline.
Santa: Way too frilly.
Carol: Well we certainly wouldn't name her FRANKIE!
Santa: Well we aren't naming her Evangeline either.
Okay you two. Settle it in marriage counseling with Neil later. Right now it's time for our next question. Agathanancy98 asks us:
Ok! You have a wonderful story! It was a great idea! I dare Neil, Scott, and Curtis to put on the Beyonce black leotards and dance and sing All The Single Ladies. I also have some questions. BTW, Scott and Carol are my favorite! :)Scott and Carol: Would you all ever have more children?Carol: What made you ready to get married so fast?Scott: What attracted you to Carol when she was such a lifeless person before? (No offense Carol, you are my favorite!)Bernard: Why do you kiss up to Santa so much?Curtis: Why would you be so dumb as to tell anyone about the Escape Clause?Jack: What is up your butt, to make you as mean as you are?Neil: Would you help me work out some issues of mine? Also, where do you get your sweaters?Charlie: Was spray painting the gym fun?Lucy: When did you first think that Uncle Scott was Santa Claus?Tha will be all my q's for now! And I vote for Jack Frost in the rap battle (even though I don't like him) and Scott! :)
Okay! We've got some awesome questions to sort through so let's get going! First, I'd like Neil, Scott, and Curtis to go put on these leotards and since Single Ladies for us.
Neil: No way I'm not doing that!
Then you won't get paid.
Neil: Where's the leotard?
Scott: Do you have any idea what I would look like in a LEOTARD?
We'll just have to wear blindfolds.
Scott: Sighs.
Neil: All the single ladies
C and S: All the single ladies
Neil: All the single ladies
C and S: All the single ladies
Neil: All the single ladies now put your hands up. Up in the club just broke up I'm doing my own little thing. Decided to dip now your gonna trip cause another brother noticed me. I'm up on him, he up on me don't pay him any attention. Cried my tears for three good years. Can't be mad at me.
All: Cause if you like it than you should've put a ring on it. If you like it that you should' a put a ring on it. Don't be mad when you see that he want it. If you like it than you should' a put a ring on it.
Yayyy you go single ladies.
Neil: I'M going to need therapy after this.
Santa: So embarrassing.
Curtis: I love this song!
Okay stop now please! Yeesh!
Carol: Well I actually wanted a girl but seeing as she'll be named FRANKIE, I'm not too sure. But I adore kids!
So the odds are…
Carol: Leaning towards yes.
Santa: WHAT?(faints)
Carol: Not again.
Next question.
Carol: I really think that it was all the just the rush of the moment that made me want to marry him. Under ordinary circumstances I would have wanted to take things slow but seeing all my childhood dreams come true and knowing that I was what could save those miracles, I couldn't help but say yes.
Santa: So you married me on a whim?
Carol: Of course not. I was already in love with you.
Awwwww.
(They hug)
Santa: What attracted me to my darling Carol was her laugh. It made my heart flutter and just like that, I was a goner. I knew she was the perfect Mrs. Claus.
Bernard, why do you kiss up to Santa?
Bernard: I do NOT kiss up to Santa.
Everyone: Yes you do.
Bernard: Grrr! You know what? Fine! No more being responsible Bernard! Take care of yourself Santa!
Santa: No! Bernard! Who'll do my job for me?
Bernard: Figure it out.
I think we just had a break through. Either that or it was something I ate for lunch. Curtis, why are you dumb?
Curtis: I'm not dumb! Honest! I told Jack about the Escape Clause because he got me angry and I didn't want to be made fun of. It's hard to be so smart and so underappreciated.
Bernard: Newsflash: you would have been more appreciated if you didn't cost us Christmas.
Curtis: Yeah right. You wouldn't like me if I saved your life.
Bernard: Huh, your right.
Jack, what IS up your butt?
Jack: That is NONE of your business you perv! I happen to like my delicious ways and you're just dumb if you don't.
Way to make the fans happy.
Jack: Forget the fans.
Neil? Care to share?
Neil: I would love to sit down and talk with you about your problems. It is my job of course. And I have my sweaters hand-knitted by my Mommy. She's so good to me.
Awesome. Mommy's rule! So Charlie, was spray painting the gym super awesome?
Carol: Yes, tell us CHARLIE.
Charlie: It was very wrong.
But did you like it?
Charlie: (whispering) It was awesome. You should try it sometime.
Carol: Charlie….
Charlie: Oh boy
Maybe you should work on your whispering. And Lucy! Hey there!
Lucy: Hello. I first thought my Uncle Scott was Santa when I was 3 and a half. I remember 'cause it was the day after Christmas and Charlie came in with his hair all messed up from the wind after staying with Uncle Scott for the night. So I asked what happened and Charlie said it was just really windy. So I quick ran outside and I swear I saw Santa riding away in his sleigh. And from then on I was sure Uncle Scott was Santa Claus.
That's awesome Lucy! Okay so questions are opver it's time to tally up the votes. Jack, you win the arm wrestlign contest.
Jack: Yeah baby!
Bernard: I don't even care anymore. Can someone get an ice pack for my arm?
And the winners for the rap battle are Jack and Neil. Rap off time!
Jack: I'm icy smooth super cool and that's the truth. I strut myself 'cause I've got nothing to loose. You're a fool, with your Mama sweaters ridin' your back and hey you loser ain't that a fact? I'm not impressed with what you possess. My abilities out top the rest. You're a sad punk with your business cards and I can't be blamed for who you are. That's life punk.
Neil: ….I give up.
Huh?
Neil: I'm not a rapper! I'm a psychiatrist!
Jack: Good plan buddy. Good plan.
Well…this was anticlimactic. I want my money back! Well until next time, you know who I am, and you know where you are. Where else are you going to find Freddy Krueger giving therapy, men in leotards, and epic rap battles? See you soon and send your reviews. Buh bye and happy early Christmas!