Alright, so I ended up writing an even longer chapter than I was planning, like twice as long. Be grateful! I really had a lot of fun writing this chapter, some of the sarcastic lines are my new favorites, hope you like it too.
To Grandmother's House We Go
I woke up groggily, yawning and stretching and groaning about how I couldn't fall back asleep. You don't really appreciate this whole routine until your alarm clock is Lexi for a few days.
I lay for a few more minutes like this, enjoying the whole relaxing feeling of waking up slowly. Finally though I hear. "Oh come on, how long are you going to take?"
Lexi.
My relaxation level drops instantly. Of course I am being unfair, half of that is due to the fact that as soon as she speaks I open my eyes and see I am in a forest which only serves to remind me of all the recent stressful things in my life…it's still kind of her fault in a way.
"Great, which fairy tale is it now?" I moan lifting my self up from the nice soft grass bed I had been lying in, though I am pretty sure it gave me little grass dents on my face.
"Look down," Lexi says vaguely.
I am tempted to say, 'Really? Never heard of that one.' Oh so tempted, but I just keep my mouth shut and look down.
Stretched under me is some crumpled up red cloth… I pick it up and shake it out a little.
Care to guess what it is? Yes, it's a riding hood for those Iggs who are still intent on making go crazy. As in a Little Red Riding Hood.
Well, it could be worse.
"So do I get some sort of basket? You know, off to Grandmas house with some cookies and muffins and a bottle of vodka?" I address Lexi.
She gives me one of Those Looks. I smile innocently.
"It's over by the tree," she says, making a face.
I sigh, and push myself up. You may be a little confused by my sudden obedience to the story. Well, the truth was, I was just planning. See, now that I have my plan, I might as well just execute it right? And what better place than in the middle of the woods with a basket full of food?
I check the basket and sure enough, all sorts of baked goods, no vodka though. Not that I would drink it, even thinking that I had been drunk is enough to instill a fear of the stuff.
"Alright," I say, pulling out one of the cookies out and eating it.
What? I'm hungry.
I quickly spit it out though, it looks like chocolate chip, tastes like cardboard. "Gross."
Lexi gives me one of her 'That's what you get' glares. I am getting scared that I am already starting to be able to decode her glares.
"Which way is grandma's house?" I growl, still trying to spit the taste out of my mouth.
"Uhh, that way," Lexi hesitates but after a moment chooses that darker way.
Typical. I go the opposite direction.
"What!" Lexi flutters up all offended.
"I have to go back and get some better cookies!" I declare, "If I fed these to an old woman I think I might accidentally kill her!"
"Wait wait, you need your hood!" Lexi says, swooping down and struggling to float the thing over to me.
I roll my eyes, "It is way too hot for that."
It instantly gets colder.
I snatch the cloak away from Lexi, "Stupid curse," I growl, wrapping the little thing around me for whatever warmth it may offer. I walk a few minutes, complaining profusely about everything I can think of, when it finally hits me, why isn't Lexi putting up more of a fight?
No, she's just floating along, perfectly content, or as far as content goes with the crazy pixie. What gives?
I stop and look right at her. She doesn't even bother with a "It's not in the story!"
I think it's a different pixie.
"You are Lexi right?" I say slowly.
She looks at me confusedly, "Why wouldn't I be?"
Suddenly something clicks, I really hate that.
"I'm still going to Grandma's house aren't I?"
Lexi smiles and nods, "You catch on quick!"
I growl in frustration and sit down right in the middle of the road. I cross my legs, my arms, my fingers, and my eyes and refuse to move. I am quite cross… bad pun.
A while later I have still not moved. I have little red marks on my arms from Lexi pinching me and I think my ears are about to start bleeding if I hear one more thing about how I will have to repeat the story.
Maybe this wasn't my best idea.
I survive what must have been an hour by this point. Lexi has given up and disappeared, and I am nibbling other things in the basket, so far though, I have come to the conclusion that the only person who could have baked a more unappetizing basket is me.
Suddenly I hear a crackle in the forest. I look around, I hadn't seen any other signs of life in this crazy place, so what was that?
"Lexi?" I call out.
There is a second crackle, and a deer steps out of the forest. Well, what do you know, they have cute little animal props.
I hear a third crackle behind me and I turn to see a raccoon, peeking out of the forest in the same creepy way the deer is. Suddenly I am surrounded on all sides by creepy little forest animals and I am starting to freak out.
They all approach me, and they keep coming.
I yell at them, I wave my hands. I'm a sight, but what do you want me to do? I don't evehn get a properly sized stick to wave at them deranged animals.
Much too quickly to even properly think about, I am being tightly squeezed by a wave of furry little creatures and they are forcing me down the path!
I scream and wave my arms for a while, but it is useless.
Well, that is one plan down the drain.
Note to self, completely ignoring the story will cause deranged forest animals to kidnap you,
After a while I just loose the will to fight it and I walk along with the wave. I have little else to do other than to wonder how exactly Little Red Riding Hood includes true love… I mean, it seems kinda random. Even if it would be quite fitting for Donovan to be the wolf.
Oh Grimm! That would be amazing! He would not only be a wolf, but he would be wearing the whole night dress and cap thing. AND I would be justified in beating him with a large stick! Oh the embarrassment, oh the blackmail! Suddenly I am in a much better mood.
My feet are starting to hurt by the time we reach a cute little house in the middle of this forsaken forest. The animals back up slowly, creating a circle around both me and the house, just to make sure I go it.
"Thanks guys, I got it from here," I say with a fake smile. I would hardly pass up an opportunity to see Donovan in a dress.
"Well, go in already!"
I yelp as I hear Lexi uncomfortably close to my ear. I think she is enjoying this too much. I glare at her, warring between whether to draw out my entrance to bother her, or to rush in and mock Donovan.
I exert some self restraint and fix my hair, make sure my hood is straight, I dust off my shirt, organize the rolls in the basket, fix my hood again, whistle a little tune, enjoy Lexi's quickly darkening face, anything to waste some time.
Have I mentioned how much I enjoy frustrating Lexi?
Finally, when I decide that if I push this any farther Lexi may just explode, I put on an overly sweet smile, turn to all of the crazed prop animals, and say "Goodbye my little animal friends, you have all just been oh so very helpful."
I am surprised I didn't start choking after I said that.
And after all this build up, I open the door.
Pretty anticlimactic.
But then I guess it's just my inner realizer worrying about that sort of stuff. Anyway, I open the door, and if my eyes could throw up, I'm pretty sure they would. The room is absolutely teeming with ugly little crocheted kittens and some hideous pink wallpaper. Did I mention it smells like old people?
I sigh and step in, Lexi manages to sneak through the door just as I am closing it. I glance around, it seems like I'm in the kitchen, "Grandma?" I call frustratedly.
Timid? Sweet? No, not really working for me.
"In here sweetie," a scratchy deep voice calls form the room ahead.
How ANYONE could EVER confuse that voice for a grandmother? I shudder just thinking about the stupidity of the ditz who would confuse THAT voice for a little old lady who crochets KITTENS! The only thing that could possibly be scarier is if there was a grandma who really DID sound like that.
I also lose all will to go find that stupid wolf, since it is OBVIOUSLY not Donovan, I would have to punch him if he ever called me sweetie. I mean is there even a point if I don't get some black mail out of it? Besides it also means that the wolf is a wolf and thus, for those too dense to figure it out, dangerous!
"Well, go on!" Lexi says, giving my shoulder a little push.
"Are you crazy?" I whisper back, "there's a WOLF in there!"
Lexi looks at me like I'm being ridiculous. Yeah, I'M ridiculous! "So?" she asks.
"So?! It's gonna eat me!" I say, she is obviously not seeming to GET the point of this!
"No it won't, your prince is going to come in and kill it!" Lexi says gleefully. I had never really gotten that bloodthirsty vibe from her before but now that I see it, it answers a LOT of questions.
I snort, because she still seems to believe that Donovan gives an ogre's foot what happens to me. No matter how many times I seem to tell everyone, they just don't believe me, DONOVAN IS NO PRINCE. And that goes doubly for you. Yeah, I can see you thinking all romantic thoughts about how he will do something terribly heroic, sweep me off my feet, shoot off some corny line, and I will fall madly in love with him.
HA!
Now get your mind out of that romantic sink hole you seem to enjoy so much and listen to what I am saying!
… I think Donovan has mind wiped you all.
Well, despite your persistence in believing that I am at all capable of falling for a troll, I can only hope that my inability to play the damsel in distress has beaten it's way into your sick, love deprived mind. (Shut up, my obsession with Anthony is completely healthy and I am NOT being hypocritical! Iggs…)
So instead of trusting my health and safety to an elf whom I strongly believe embodies all that is evil in this world, I start searching the kitchen for a means of protection.
"Sweetie, I'm right, here, I'm in the bed room! Where are you dear?" the oh so UN-grandmotherly voice calls again. I think it is getting frustrated.
I hurry up with the opening and closing of stubbornly empty drawers and cabinets, much to the confusion of Lexi as she insists that Donovan will show up and save me.
Nothing.
Nothing.
NOTHING!
I shut the final drawer with a growl, not a single knife in the place. I think this stupid curse is starting to figure me out… That can only bode poorly.
"Little Red Riding Hood!" The wolf calls, obviously annoyed by this point.
I make a final sweep of the room. Oh why did all the crocheted cats have to be soft and fluffy? Would it have killed the old lady to add some porcelain figurines to the collection?
My eyes fall on my last hope, a wooden broom stuck sadly in the corner. I pick it up, doubtfully. It has dust-bunnies and grime all stuck to the few pitiful bristles it is still managing to keep a hold of, but the handle is comfortingly thick and hard.
It will have to do.
With weapon in hand I edge up to the door and hesitantly turn the knob.
Well here goes nothing.
"Ahh, come here my child and give your granny a kiss, granny has missed you!" the voice whines as I enter the door. The shades are drawn and it takes my eyes a few moments to adjust. But as soon as I can see clearly, I REALLY wish I couldn't. The crazed wolf isn't even attempting to lay in the bed like a human might (not that that bit of the story ever really made sense, wolf skeletons just don't bend like THAT). However, it somehow managed to crawl into a set of maimed fluffy pink pajamas with more kittens on them. Obviously it ripped the pajamas trying to fit into them, and it only serves to make it look even more ridiculous.
"Well, come here!" the wolf repeats. Please, tell me who in the two worlds seriously FELL for this act and I will beat THEM with this broom instead! But seeing as I am in a more immediate threat of loosing body parts instead of my faith in humanity, I focus on the problem at hand.
"Yeah, right Grams," I say, wielding my ancient broom and hoping that I can do SOMETHING with it.
The wolf, still stubbornly ignoring that I am ignoring the story, says, "Why Little Red, how small your nose seems today," as if trying to hint that I should comment on her(?) nose.
"Oh come ON, dump the act," I groan, slumping my shoulders. But wait, I realize, this could work to my advantage! The longer I can keep the wolf pretending to be some sort of severely malformed grandmother, the less time I have to spend fighting.
"So grandma, how's granddad been?" I say, leaning on the broom.
"He died yesterday, I meant to tell you," the wolf snaps, "but he never did have large enough eyes, not like me!" Yeah… because that made sense. I decide the wolf is none too bright, but then again, a bright wolf would probably NOT be trying to pull this stunt right? Now I feel dumb for even feeling the need to point it out.
"Yeah, well my mom had been meaning to ask about that," I say, as if we were holding a conversation that made any sort of sense.
"So how about that weather?" I continue, "Hurtin' that old arthritis?"
The wolf makes this sound that clearly conveys the feeling, 'Screw this!'. He? She? It leaps up on the bed, night cap flying, "The better to eat you with!" it growls.
I instantly pull the broom back up into both hands, "Didn't think arthritis was useful for that," I say insolently.
Suddenly the wolf pounces at me and it is all I can do to get the broom swinging fast enough to push the flying wolf cannon ball away from a direct path towards my head. The wolf spins around and I take the stance which I am now so very grateful the teachers drilled into our minds, because I am pretty sure I am too scared to think very clearly at the moment. The wolf runs at me this time, and I roll away, catching the nightgown with the broom and if not at least unbalancing the wolf then ripping the night gown. I am feeling pretty good, right up to the point I continue rolling straight into the wall. The wolf is already swung around as I am still struggling to get up and it leaps right over to me. I manage to just get my poor broom up in time to stop the crazed wolf from biting my face off. So now I am on the ground with a wolf just above me, and a twig that is probably older than I am, being the only thing separating us.
Lucky me.
The wolf growls through the stick and it suddenly hits me that if I lay here any longer the wolf will in all likelihood overpower me. I pull my feet up quickly, drop my arm for a split second, push up with my legs and scoot out from under the now air borne wolf.
I am torn between whether that was a smart idea, because while I may be back up on my feet, the wolf seems even angrier than before.
"Why won't you be eaten!" the wolf growls frustratedly, before it jumps again at me. I guess the spoiled thing has never really had to fight for it's meal, well too bad, because if I go down, I go down kicking and screaming!
Or swinging my stick in this case.
Suddenly there is a crash and the closed curtains bulge. The wolf is distracted just long enough for me to give it a good whack over the head. Stupid wolf, hit first look later. I glance up for only a moment, just long enough to see Donovan struggling to get himself loose from the ugly pink curtains.
Talk about dramatic entrances.
And this is the fool you Iggs keep insisting I fall in love with?!
"You're a little LATE!" I yell at him, fending off another attack. I manage to swing the broom around and get another good bang on the head but at the cost of a bruise on my elbow from a poorly placed wall.
"Sorry!" he growls, "I only sprinted down a hill nearly taking my head off to get here!" he says, brandishing an axe which he is now using to hack at the offending drapes.
Finally! Some sharp metal!
Guess I forgot my own rule, hit first look later because I suddenly find myself with my head banged on the floor, my stick several yards away, and an angry wolf standing over me. Oh curse you distracting and attractive fiend!
I hope you realize I am referring to the axe?
Romantic sink hole! Get out of it!
Suddenly the wolf yelps and jumps away, just as the business end of an axe swings right where the wolf had just been.
"Would you watch where you swing that thing?!" I say, ignoring Donovan's hand up and jumping up off the floor, "Watch the wolf not me!" I chide.
"You're right, it is more attractive," Donovan shoots back, but turning to the wolf all the same. I growl and make a kicking motion at the back of his knees. If he wasn't holding the weapon!
Suddenly the world starts turning black. "What!" I start. I look down at myself searching for blood or broken bones (completely ignoring the probably clumsy fight between Donovan and the wolf with the intelligence levels of a spork). "Oh no, no, NO!" I growl, as the room quickly fades into complete darkness, why would it choose NOW to repeat! Not fair! I was fighting for several minutes in there! And it chooses to make me repeat when I am letting Donovan take over?!
COME ON!
That chapter was like 6 pages long in word. I was up, writing late into the night, sore from so much volleyball, just so that you people could have a decent chapter (certainly not becuase I was having too much fun to stop...) now what do you say?
Anyway, the real twist comes next chapter and will not be explained for several more chapters HAHAHAHAHA! evil laugh