Chapter 14 - COMFORT
Edward played with his slice of pizza. He plucked the toppings off one by one, tossing them onto his plate. His agile fingers began to rip apart the crust, maiming each bit before discarding it. His appetite was non-existent.
He continued until he had destroyed nearly an entire piece of pizza. Rip. Mangle. Drop. Pick. Flick. Rip.
"I don't know what that pizza ever did to you, but remind me not to get on your bad side," Bella said, drawing his attention from his tedium.
He looked at her. She was sitting in the corner of the sofa with her feet drawn up under her body. The plate on her lap held part of a slice of pizza. Her wine glass sat on a coaster on the lamp table. She was waiting for him to say something.
He looked at the mess he had made on his own plate. "Sorry," he said, dropping it onto the coffee table in front of him. He flopped back onto the couch, throwing his hands over his head. "I really don't want to eat right now."
Bella placed her plate next to his. "Are you ready to talk to me?" she asked.
He sighed. "I'm so sorry you had to see me like that, Bella. I don't usually fall apart when something goes wrong. I don't like to lose control."
"I'm not sorry. I think there's a lot going on in your heart that you haven't shared with anyone." She watched as he looked at his hands, turning them over and examining the nails before flipping them to look at the palms again.
"I failed her," he whispered.
"What?" she asked.
He finally looked at Bella. "I failed her. And her family. They are going home from the hospital tonight without their mother. Mr. Fredricks is going home without his wife." He dropped his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "He'll be sleeping alone tonight because I couldn't save her."
Bella shook her head. "Get comfortable; I think we need to talk about your perception of things."
"What?" He looked at her in confusion.
"Come on. She patted her lap. "Lie down. Get comfortable. We really need to talk about this."
He did as she directed. He put his head on her lap and smiled weakly up at her. He was too long for the couch. His legs went over the arm and his feet dangled off the end.
"Comfortable?" she asked.
"I think so," he said, turning toward her body and wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Now," she said, "tell me why you think you failed Mrs. Fredricks."
"I didn't help her enough. If I had, she'd be here still. She'd be getting ready for the birth of a new grandchild. She would be crocheting and laughing. Her husband wouldn't be left with an empty bed." His voice was filled with desperation.
"Do you really think there was something you could have done for her that you didn't do?"
"Well…not really. But, I shouldn't have let he travel for four hours after major surgery. I should have told her that it was too dangerous."
"And would she have stayed in Seattle?"
He shook his head. "Probably not. Her family is here. This is where she wanted to be."
"Okay, so how is this your fault? The doctor in Seattle let her come home, right?"
He nodded.
"And neither of you suspected she would have a blood clot, right?"
"No," he whispered.
"What more could you have done? Her husband called 9-1-1 as soon as he thought there was a problem."
"But…I should have been able to save her. I should have known what to do." His argument was weak, and he knew it.
She was prepared to call him out. "Edward Cullen – are you really that much of a control freak?"
He sat up and turned to look at her. "What are you talking about?" He wasn't sure he liked where this was going.
"Do you honestly think you have control over all of this? Over life and death?"
He was almost angry. "You don't know what you're talking about, Bella!"
"Oh, really? So you don't think you have the power to stop bad things from happening? Or that you failed because you weren't able to stop nature from taking its course?"
"You don't know what it's like to have someone die at your fingertips!"
"I don't? Have you forgotten about Jake?"
He could tell he'd crossed a line that he shouldn't have. Her face was red. He wanted to rewind, to take the words back. She got a determined look on her face and looked him squarely in the eyes.
"You don't think that I would have stopped time or backed up the clock to save Jake? You don't think that I was desperate as I sat there watching him unconscious and bleeding? I would have given anything to be able to save him! I would have torn out my own heart and given it to him if it would have helped." She started to whisper. "I watched his life slipping away in front of me and there was nothing I could do. I know about feeling powerless in the face of death, Edward."
He reached for her and she pushed his arms away. "Bella…"
"No! You need to hear this." He sat back and watched as she steeled herself.
"Okay," he whispered.
She took a deep breath. "After the truck hit us, Jake told me that he loved me. It was the last thing he said before he passed out. There was glass everywhere and he was bleeding from his mouth and his ear. The side of his head was gashed open and I could smell the blood gushing from it. It was covering him. Seth started to cry and I was grateful he was awake – it meant he was alive. I tried to undo my seatbelt, but it was stuck. I couldn't get to either of them. I was powerless to help my family. I sat there, holding Jake's hand and talking to him and to Seth. I told them both that everything would be alright. I promised them that somebody would help us. Someone called 9-1-1 and the ambulance was there before long, but it felt like forever."
"I'm so sorry, Bella."
She shook her head again. "I watched them, Edward. They had to pry the door off with the jaws of life to get to Jake. They took Seth away from me and put him in an ambulance. Then, they took Jake in the helicopter. I watched them take my family away and I couldn't do anything to help them."
She stopped for a moment. "I know what it feels like to have no control over a situation. I do. I punished myself for months for Jake's death. If I hadn't wanted to go to the Halloween party, if I hadn't distracted him with the story I was telling him, if I had tried harder to release the seatbelt…it's useless to keep going on with if only. I couldn't control what happened to us. I couldn't stop Jake from dying. I couldn't even tell them what hospital I wanted to go to! But I learned some things from the events of that night..."
They were both silent for a moment.
"What did you learn?" He was whispering. He reached for her hand and she let him take it.
"I learned that it isn't about control. I didn't have any power over the girl who was texting while she drove. I couldn't make her choices for her. I couldn't fix what had happened. What I could do was thank God for every day that Jake and I had together. I could be grateful that I had a beautiful son to raise - even if I had to do it alone. I'm still learning that I should live the life that Jake wanted me to have. He sacrificed everything so that I could be here for Seth. I know he's want me to be happy."
He watched her face, obviously moved by her words. After a moment his face fell and he shook his head, his hands automatically moving through his hair again. "I'm not like that, Bella. I can't look at everything like that."
She moved closer to him.
"You're really struggling, aren't you? There's more to it than your favorite patient dying, isn't there?" She was calm now.
Edward let go of her hand and dropped his head forward into his hands. After a minute, he nodded.
"So, tell me what's going on, Edward? Talk to me, please."
She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him.
He shook his head and rocked back and forth in her arms. "I can't face it anymore, Bella. I can't."
"Face what, Edward?"
It was time for him to be completely honest with her. "The fear of losing what I have left in this world."
"What do you mean?"
He hesitated. He hadn't talked to anyone about the way he'd felt for the last year. He'd shared the events of his breakup now, but he hadn't really talked about what it did to him. This wasn't easy.
"She took so much from me…" He stopped. Bella waited for him to go on.
"I wasn't always so worried about having control, really." He looked at her. His hands balled up into fists as he spoke. "I know what you mean about watching them take your family away and having no control. I watched Tanya walk out the door. I wanted her back, and I couldn't make it happen. I wanted the baby she aborted. I couldn't even save my own child. I felt so powerless when I found out what she had done. I had no control over the situation."
He stood up and paced in front of the couch for a minute. "Even my best friend's fiancée took the control away from me. She was there, at the clinic with Tanya. She didn't tell me. She didn't even try to stop her."
He moved away from Bella, walking the length of the room. He turned around and faced her.
"There was nobody there to help me. My best friend and his fiancée supported her. They stayed away. Peter texted and emailed, but he kept his distance. I was alone. I wrapped myself up in my work. I saved lives and I took care of everyone else. It dulled the pain. But, it was always there, it didn't go away. I never slept in my bed again – after the day she left for good. I couldn't eat in my apartment. Nobody knew…"
"What about your family?"
"I didn't even tell them how bad it was. But I think my mom knew. When she visited, she tried and tried to get me to talk to her. I avoided it. I had failed at having my own family. I didn't know how to tell her what had happened between Tanya and me."
"Your mom wouldn't have judged you, Edward. She's not like that."
"I know. She was my rock. She kept me sane with her letters and calls. She even sent a photo album from when I was a kid, it made me feel closer to my family. She doesn't even know." He walked back and sat down next to her. "But I put up a wall. I haven't allowed anyone to get close to me – I didn't want to take any chances. I wanted to be in control for once, and I haven't let anyone in for a long time. I wouldn't even tell my mom how much I needed her."
"And then she got sick," Bella said.
Edward sobbed. He nodded and turned his face away from Bella. She reached over and took his face in her hands turning it back to her.
"She's okay now. Her tests look really good."
He collapsed against her.
"I was so afraid that I would lose the one person who had held me together. I moved back here as fast as I could. I didn't care about where I worked or lived. I was numb in some ways, but I made saving my mother my only focus. It gave me another way to avoid the pain," he said.
"But, Mrs. Fredricks reminded you of your mother," Bella said.
Edward nodded. "She did. She even has a daughter who is having a baby in July. All I could think of every time she came in was my mom and Alice and our family." He shuddered. "And now she's gone, they've lost her."
"But they had her as their mother. They loved her. Isn't that something good? Don't you think they'll be thankful for the time they had?"
"Yes, but…"
"But what? They will miss her every day. I know there will be a lot of tears shed over losing her, but I bet that every time Mr. Fredricks looks at one of his children, he'll think of her and smile. I bet that when the new baby is born, her daughter will be sad, but grateful that her mom taught her how to be a mother."
"But she's gone. They lost her. That doesn't go away."
"I know, Edward. Believe me. I know the pain of realizing that someone you love isn't ever coming home again. It's hard, and it hurts more than you can bear sometimes. But eventually, you start to move on, to live again."
"I don't know if I can. I don't want to face losing my mother." He reached for her hand. "I want to move on with my life, especially now that I've found you. I want to have faith that everything will be fine, but I'm scared."
"Is that why you said you didn't think you wanted a relationship?"
He nodded. "I didn't realize that it was too late."
"What do you mean?"
He moved from his spot on her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her now. He looked at her face.
"I'm already involved with you. I miss you when I can't come around. I love spending time with Seth. My heart almost broke after our trip to Port Angeles. When I left here I didn't know if you'd ever talk to me again. I felt like I'd made another huge mistake. I don't know what I'd do if you disappeared, Bella. I couldn't face not seeing you or Seth anymore."
"I was hurting, too."
"I'm so sorry."
"I know." She looked at his eyes and worked up the courage to ask her next question. "Edward, does this mean that you want a relationship now? That you aren't afraid of trying?"
"I'm terrified. But I don't want to lose you. I want more with you, Bella. I want to see where this can go. Emmett told me I'd be a fool to walk away from you."
"Emmett is one smart guy," she said with a smile.
"He gives pretty good advice. I haven't always listened, but I'm trying."
They were quiet for a moment.
"I was talking to Sue a while ago about you. She had some insightful things to say."
Edward pulled her closer. "What did Sue say?"
"She asked me if I would have changed anything if I had known that Jake was going to die. She wanted to know if I would have married him and had a child with him."
"What did you say?"
"That I wouldn't have changed a thing. The pain of losing Jake was terrible, but the pain of never having him in my life would have been unbearable."
"I think I understand." He paused. "But what does that have to do with me?"
"She wondered if I was willing to take a chance to be with you."
"Are you?"
She nodded. "I am. But, I need to know if you are willing to risk a little pain to be with me. Is it worth it to you to take a chance?"
"I think it is," he said, reaching down to kiss her. "I've never felt like this before."
"What about Tanya?"
"It wasn't the same. I guess I was always too caught up in our busy New York lives to really pay attention to how I felt."
"You loved her."
"I did. But I think I loved the idea of her more. I loved the idea of being in a relationship and making plans for the future. I didn't need her like I need you." He pulled back so that he could look into Bella's eyes.
"You need me?"
"You were the person I thought about when I left the waiting room after I told Mrs. Fredricks' family that she had passed away. It was your face that kept me moving. All I wanted was to be with you in my office. You were the only comfort I could think of."
He smiled mischievously. "Besides, I let you drive my Vanquish. That has to tell you something!"
She laughed with him for a moment before getting serious again.
"What does this all mean for us, Edward?"
"It means that I want to be with you. I want to try a relationship. I was prepared to tell you that we should just date exclusively for now, but I don't think that's enough anymore."
"I haven't seen anyone but you. Why would you worry about making this exclusive?"
"I can think of a few reasons." His face darkened.
"Is Quil one of them?"
He nodded and Bella laughed.
"I don't want to be with Quil. I want to be with you."
"Really?"
She nodded again.
He put his hands on her face, rubbing his thumbs over her cheeks. He kissed her softly. "Do you want more than this with me?"
"Yes. But, I'm still worried about what it means for Seth."
"You just said that you're willing to take a chance to be with me. Are you willing to take a little chance that Seth will be happy with me around?"
She sat quietly for a moment. "I am. I just don't want him getting hurt."
"I don't have any intention of hurting either of you," he said as he leaned in for another kiss.
She kissed him back and everything intensified. His emotions and desire were running high. She had opened up to him in a way he never thought possible, and he was being completely honest with her.
His tongue found her lips and she willingly opened her mouth. His hands rubbed her back and her arms, treading lightly over the sides of her breasts.
She shivered.
"Sorry," he whispered.
"Don't be," she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Her fingers moved through his hair.
After a few minutes, he pulled back again. "I can't stay here with you like this. If I do, I won't be able to stop myself."
"I don't want you to stop," she said and kissed him again.
"Really, Bella - I won't be able to walk away from you if I don't go soon."
"I want you to stay. Please…"
He moaned. "But, I didn't think you were ready for this. Aren't we taking things slowly?"
"I think everything has changed," she said. "We're willing to risk a little, right?"
He nodded.
"I want you to stay tonight. Will you?"
He looked out the window and noticed for the first time the darkness settling in.
"I want that more than anything. I need you, Bella." He kissed her again and then pulled back. "But I don't want you to regret it."
"I'm willing to take a chance at being happy with you, Edward. Are you willing to take a chance with me?"
"Yes. I am." His lips found her neck.
Bella pulled away from him and stood after several more minutes of intense kissing and exploration.
"Where are you going?" Edward asked.
"Come with me. We don't have to act like teenagers, making out on the couch, you know." She reached for his hand, pulling him up. As she walked toward the hallway, she stopped and opened her bag. She pulled out a box that Edward recognized.
"You really did pack condoms!" he said and leaned to kiss her neck again.
"I did," she said as she pulled him toward her bedroom. "I also packed my swimsuit."
It had been a long time since she'd done this. Her nerves were getting the best of her and she shook a little, but she didn't want to stop now.
"Are you okay?" he asked as they stepped into her room.
She nodded. "You?"
"I've never been better," he said as he took off his shirt.
Bella raised her hands up as he gently lifted her shirt over her head, bending to kiss her neck and her shoulders. She wrapped her arms around her torso as he moved lower, hiding the scars on her abdomen.
Edward gently pulled her hands away. "Why are you hiding?"
"My scars are awful. I hate for anyone to look at them."
Edward bent down, resting on his knees. He removed her hands from her stomach, and held them to her sides. He reached forward, looking up at her, and slowly kissed along the length of the scar that ran down her stomach and around her belly button.
"This scar is beautiful, Bella. Don't hide it from me."
She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to say that. I know it looks terrible."
He stood again, letting go of her hands to place his on her face. "The scars are beautiful because they are a reminder that you survived the accident. They are the skill of a surgeon and the love of your son, all wrapped up together. They are hope and relief for your father. They show me that I'm lucky you are here with me. I love the scars. After everything that's happened today, you should understand why they mean so much to me."
She looked at his face for a moment, absorbing his words, and then threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He was everything she wanted. She kissed him hard, opening her mouth to lick his lips. She reveled in the feeling of his lips moving as they opened. She shivered as his tongue met hers. Her body responded to him and she curved to fit closer to his bare chest.
He reached behind her and unclasped her bra. She allowed the straps to fall off of her shoulders and released her hold on his neck as she stepped back enough that it fell to the ground. When she stepped forward again, she gasped at the feeling of her bare flesh against his.
He picked her up and moved them both to the bed. They explored each other's bodies with their hands and their mouths, touching and kissing as they removed their jeans. Bella was surprised at how easy this was and how comfortable she felt with him.
She loved how gentle he was. He was worshipping every part of her, caressing the curve of her hips and her waist before kissing her breasts.
She gloried in the muscles of his chest and his broad shoulders. Her fingertips tingled as she outlined the shape of his pecks and arms.
Finally, Edward moved her onto her back, hovering over her body.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he whispered.
"More than you can imagine," she breathed. She pulled him closer to her body and kissed his neck. She moaned as he slowly pressed into her.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
She nodded. "I'd forgotten just how good this feels." She smiled at him and he kissed her.
They whispered to one another as they moved together, kissing softly as they made love. The rhythm of their bodies was glorious, making her breathing hitch.
Edward kissed her softly, again and again.
"You are so beautiful, Bella," he breathed into her ear.
Bella nipped at his neck and his chest, kissing his jawline. "I need you so much," she said.
They moved until their passion was satisfied, and then they curled up together.
After a few minutes she said, "I'm going to run into the bathroom." She stood and he sat up.
"Is everything okay?" he asked.
"It's fine. I'll be right back."
She wandered into the bathroom and stopped to look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was rumpled and her cheeks were red from the stubble on Edward's face. Her eyes twinkled.
Staring at her reflection, she tried to decide if she felt any guilt after her union with Edward. There was nothing there but contentment and the tiny bit of fear that still resided in her gut.
She was taking a deep breath, willing the last of her fear away, when he knocked on the door. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.
She opened the door and threw her arms around him. "I'm better than I imagined possible. You?"
"I'm happier than I thought I could be. I like taking risks with you."
She laughed as he raised his eyebrows, and he kissed the top of her head as they walked back to the bed.
"Are you sure you want me to stay?" he asked.
"Positive." He climbed back into the bed and she laid down with her head on his chest and her leg thrown over his.
"Thank you," she said.
"For what?"
"For taking a chance."
His body was warm and she listened to his heart beating and felt his breathing. She found herself smiling.
They drifted off to sleep holding each other.
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A/N It all belongs to SM…except my imagination. ;)
Yes – finally a little happiness for E&B. They still have to work through some things, but they know they want to be together! Yay!
As usual, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Reviews or thoughts on my thread on the Twilighted forum are always appreciated!! Thanks!!
Big thanks to Giselle for her beta work. Show her a little love – check out Ithaca is Gorges. Best canon story I've ever read!