Chapter fourteen – Of research and needles
For whatever reason, Allen found that he didn't seem to be in pain as often as he used to be any more. His arm had stopped its constant throbbing and leaving him in agony, now returning to its previous intimidating strength bit by bit. His scars no longer tingled when he moved too suddenly or bent too far; they felt just fine.
It wasn't just physically that he was feeling better, his head had stopped hurting, too, and the hallucinations had ceased. He no longer found himself scared to glance in the mirror; scared of what his mind may convince him was just behind his shoulder.
Now that Kanda and himself shared a bed every night, his nightmares had become but dim flickering images that left him a bit breathless upon awaking. This in itself was not particularly comfortable, but it beat waking up screaming in cold sweat.
The longer Allen spent with his friends the more he begun to feel that maybe, just maybethings were alright – that hewas alright and that it was okayto depend on people. That now he didn't have to live in fear, feeling his heart stop and cold dread run through his spine whenever anybody grew irritated. Not having to live with fear and suspicion at every well meaning gesture.
But he couldn't shake the sense of uneasiness that had crept upon him lately, and he suspected it was that exact tranquil life that had brought it upon him. For one, he was beginning to wonder just how long he could delay some sort of explanation to Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda in regards to his elusive nature.
Allen liked to consider himself a realist and he knew without a doubt that he had been lucky to avoid their probing questions thus far. And lately, it seemed to him that their interest in him shone clearly with every glance.
They wanted to know; and Kanda, who was privy to the most out of the three, seemed to be the one with the strongest burning curiosity – no, desire to know just what was wrong with him. Allen suspected it was due to the small tidbits of information living with Allen had revealed that drove him the hardest.
And it wasn't long now before their curiosity could not be sated with vague half lies about his past.
Allen harboured no intention of letting on about his painful history; he had wanted to forget it, bury it deep down in the back of his mind. However, he knew that was irrationality incarnate.
So, for the time being he chose to try and live as best as he could, side by side with it until one day he could figure out just what to do with it. And until the day came where Allen himself was at peace with it, he would not willingly divulge it.
That was what Allen had decided and that was what he was sticking to, yet it seemed that his friends knewsomething. And he wasn't being paranoid. He was sure of it.
Sometimes he would walk in and they'd all be talking in whispers but when they saw him they'd abruptly stop, and Lenalee – the only one who was horrible and lying to her friends – would have a distinctly guilty expression on her face as she greeted him with a falsely cheerful, "Hey, Allen!"
The third time this happened in as many days, Allen found himself at his wits end. "If you're going to talk about me behind my back," he said tiredly, "try not to be so obvious about it. And if I've done something to annoy you, just let me know." Allen was well used to people talking about him behind his back but he thought his friends would have little more tact than to it so openly. Honestly, it wore him down pretending he didn't know.
"Ah, no! Allen, that's not it at all!" Lenalee looked horrified. She glanced around the room as if to garner support, her expression pleading for help. Lavi came to her defence, lying easily as if it was second nature.
"We were just talking about some stuff that happened last year and we didn't want you to feel left out so we tried to keep it a secret." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Sorry."
Allen sighed. He had an uncanny sixth sense for telling when somebody was lying to him. Okay, he didn't. But even with Lavi's sleek smooth talking he was not fooled. He wasn't a complete idiot, he had his limits as to how much lying he could take.
"Okay, sure. Whatever." He said tersely, projecting his doubt into every syllable before promptly leaving the room so they could continue their whispered little conference.
oOo_oOo_oOo
Lavi winced in guilt as Allen closed the door behind him on his way out, taking care to shut it quietly which somehow seemed worse than slamming it. The fact he was still taking care not to do anything that may annoy them or anybody else while they were whispering about him really pulled at one's conscience.
"S-So, did you find anything?" Lenalee asked, pretending they had not just been interrupted by the topic of conversation himself.
Lavi took a deep breath and continued on with his explanation, "I've given up searching on NOAH. All I can find is stupid stuff like unwanted hair removal, or biblical cults. Sooo, I did a search on Mana Walker."
"Did you find anything?" Kanda asked brusquely.
"Hush, Yu-chan. I'm getting there. There was nothing on him at all. Zilch. Nada." Lavi held his arms wide open as if to display just how little he had found, sending his friends a despairing look. "I tell you, it's been a real blow to my pride as a self-proclaimed computer hacker."
"It's the internet," Lenalee protested, "how can there been nothing?"
Lavi gave a helpless shrug. "I have no clue. There's just nothing. So all we have to go on is that picture." Lavi gestured over at the picture on Allen's desk before frowning and looking up again. "Did it occur to anyone that gossiping about Allen in Allen's room is just begging for incidents like before to occur?"
Kanda ignored him. "And Allen? Did you look him up?"
Lavi tsked and shook his head. "What do you take me for, Yu-chan? I did that agesago. There's even less than nothing on Allen. There's like, so nothing somebody must have divided his information by zero."
Kanda frowned and shifted impatiently on his bed in which he was sitting, muttering softly as to how when you divide something by zero, the result is too huge to possibly calculate and something about a Baka Usagi always opening his mouth before thinking. Lavi could just see the annoyance and confusion wafting off of the dark haired teen, though a slight tick was forming on his forehead after overhearing Kanda's not-so-inner monologue
Lavi held up his finger. "But – it gets better – after giving up on NOAH, I searched up Marian Cross." He grinned widely from ear to ear and rustled in his obnoxiously orange bag for a moment before tossing several printouts onto the desk in front of the three.
"Marian Cross is quite famous, as it turns out. He's a genius when it comes to computers – which explains Timcanpy. Tim is a golem, as you guys know, but he has AI intelligence which had Cross nominated for several awards. But, when he found out there was no cash reward he said he didn't want them."
Kanda looked up in disbelief. "What kind of fucking moron does that?"
Lavi continued, ignoring the interruption. "He disappeared three years ago. Off the map. But as he has a history of accumulating large debts and vanishing to avoid them, nobody sees it as suspicious."
"Who knew Allen had such a guy as his Master." Lenalee sighed, shaking her head. "Speaking of, isn't it strange to call somebody masterin this day in age?"
Lavi shook his head. "I suspect he's probably Cross's apprentice, which would making him calling Cross 'Master' rather normal."
"But I've never seen Allen do anything, well, smartwith a computer before." Lenalee protested, blushing as if she was somehow gravely insulting Allen.
"It's just a theory." He replied, and no one questioned him after that. Lavi was more than often right when it came to his little 'theories'. It was silent for a moment as each person thought through the information they had just been given, sifting through their thoughts as to make sense of it all. It was Kanda that stood up first.
"Where are you going, Yu-chan?" Lavi called after him. Kanda glared at him in a way that clearly said, I've told you a million times. Don't call me that.
Kanda picked up his beloved Mugen and slung it over his shoulder in a clear response to Lavi's inquiry, the other two silently watching their friend brusquely leave the room.
"… You know he's using that as an excuse to go hunt for Allen, right?" Lavi observed.
"Obviously." Lenalee agreed.
oOo_oOo_oOo
Allen was very much enjoying the view from Kanda's training facility. It was after class and the students had long since finished basking in the sun light – which always seemed more comforting after your release from school – and gone off to the mall or to their rooms.
Allen and Kanda had sort of fallen into a pattern of sparing together after school, and despite Allen's annoyance at his friends right now he had no desire to skip out on such a comforting routine. In fact, now that his arm was getting better, he was looking forwardto this match.
There was the sound of a key clicking in the lock as Kanda unlocked the door. Allen hadn't been kind enough to leave it unlocked for him. Kanda had a key. He could use it.
Kanda spared a glance at Allen who was lolling about on an unused desk at the edge of the room before shutting the door and striding in to practice his moves with his katana. Allen watched him silently.
Despite his eagerness to land a few hits he always looked forward to seeing Kanda practice with his Mugen. It was something that, even after the multitude of times he had witnessed it, he still liked to appreciate the beauty that such a focused and violent Kanda seemed to radiate.
Kanda in turn abided by their ritual, neither speaking nor looking at Allen as he focused solely on the blade in his hands; after twenty minutes or so finally drawing his training to a close, Allen simultaneously sliding off his position on the desk.
"Are you ready?" Allen asked offhandedly, speaking for the first time. Kanda leant his Mugen against the wall in answer.
The Spar that followed was one the most intense yet.
Allen dutifully ducked under a blow from Kanda and shoved an elbow into his gut, latching his hands together for extra strength. The blow took the breath out of Kanda and as he hunched over and gasped for air, Allen spared him no sympathy – kicking him lightly in the back of the knees to crumple him.
Kanda was startled at just how much the Moyashi had improved. It was almost a struggle to keep up with him. They were – though he was in loath to admit it – rather evenly matched.
Eventually it became apparent the competitive spirit had become too much and – bruised black and blue – they slumped breathless against the wall.
Allen nursed his bruised body. Kanda nursed his throbbing ego.
"It's rude to talk about people behind their backs." Allen said after a while. Kanda grunted.
"Seriously, if you guys want to know something. Ask. Don't gossip."
"We weren't gossiping." Kanda protested indigently. "We were –."
"- Speculating? Does that make it seem manlier?" Allen snapped. Kanda opened his mouth to snap back in return but found nothing to say so simply settled for a discontented huff.
"You wouldn't tell us anything, anyway." Kanda muttered darkly.
Allen snapped back, offended "I've told you plenty."
"No." Kanda said bluntly. "No you haven't. Most of what I know I found out on my own or you had no option but to fucking spill. You haven't told usfucking anything you shit for brains Beansprout."
Allen was startled into silence for a moment. He chose his words carefully before voicing his reply. "It's not that I won'ttell you…" He said softly, "Right now you don't really needto know. And, I'm not ready to tell you."
Allen turned his head to look at Kanda, and Kanda was momentarily stunned by the thoughtful and slightly haunted look in those clear, silver eyes. "It's not something I want to speak about carelessly, and until you need to know or I'm ready to tell you guys about it – whichever comes first – I won't. It's about me so it's my choice as to whether I speak of it now or never."
Before Kanda could reply Allen smiled suddenly and stood up. "In any event, you look like you could use an icepack. You're moving like a crippled old man."
Offended, Kanda shot back "I do not need a fucking icepack. And you're the old man here you shitty brat."
Allen laughed at the oxymoron and headed for the door, leaving Kanda to struggle to his feet on his own and ponder if that dead serious conversation had really taken place or not. Upon seeing the slight edge to Allen's eyes as he waited for him by the door, he supposed it had.
oOo_oOo_oOo
It was universally agreed that immunizations were a part of school life. With so many nasty little diseases floating out there and the school board full of sadists took every opportunity to stab them with sharp pieces of metal how could they not be?
At least, that was what an upbringing with Cross had taught Allen. The man had taken immense pleasure in terrifying Allen.
All the same, when Lavi cheerfully proclaimed that they were getting immunized against some foreign disease (You know, just in case they randomly contract it which was completely illogical considering the conditions for contraction could not be found in a well off school like Black Order) Allen paled.
"What's wrong Moyashi-chan? Do you not like needles?" Lavi observed Allen's interesting pallor with perhaps more vigilance than the situation demanded. But, with Allen everything should be carefully recorded for future playback.
Allen closed his eyes as he answered weakly, "I can't say I do… No, not really."
The taste of cotton bud in his mouth to prevent him biting his tongue, the sharp acidic odour of a room much forgotten, the bite of a needle filled with who-knows-what… they were all augmented memories fresh in his mind now and Allen hurried to bury them again before they caused him physical illness and discomfort from a strong wave of nausea and déjà vu.
"There's nothing to be scared of." Lenalee smiled, tilting her head to the side so a wash of green-black hair fell over Allen's pillow on which she was leaning. "A small nip in the arm and it's all over."
"I know…it's just…"
"Only a baby is afraid of a little needle." Kanda scoffed as he studied the hand he had been dealt. He and Lavi were currently engaged in a fierce game of poker, the victor looked uncertain at this point. Lenalee had passed up the game and Allen had been expressively banned from play.
"I seem to remember," Lavi smirked as he drew a card, shooting a glance at Kanda, "a certain somebody passing out whenever anyway even mentioned it up until year six."
Allen choked on the Mitarashi Dango he had bullied out of Jerry and gaped openly at his furious looking roommate who was presently trying to swat Lavi with his cards while the redhead used this as a golden opportunity to peek at Kanda's hand.
Lenalee thumped Allen concernedly on the back and eventually he was able to say, "Seriously? You? Until sixth grade?"
"Everybody had something they didn't deal with well." Kanda grumbled. "Needles were mine. Now shut the fuck up and let me concentrate."
"But you said only babies feared needles." Allen pointed out.
"Which is exactly why I'm not afraid of them anymore." Kanda grunted, "Now shut up and let me kick Baka Usagi's ass."
Allen obediently fell silent for a minute and watched as Kanda got his ass handed to him.
"Can you opt not to have the needle?" Allen asked after it became apparent Kanda was fighting a losing battle.
Lenalee shook her head. "There's not really a reason not to have it Allen, it won't hurt or anything. And it's one less illness you have to worry about if you ever choose to go away."
"I know… I just… Would rather not, if possible." Allen didn't trust himself to have the needle. It wasn't the pain that worried him; he had long since adjusted to that minor discomfort. It was just that for as long as he could remember, needles meant scratching nails and flailing limbs as he desperately – and vainly – tried to prevent yet another syringe from pouring its contents into his bloodstream.
Memories as vivid as that were painful to bear and the impulses were so deeply ingrained into his mind that Allen didn't think he could go through the simple procedure without struggling any more. On his own he could deal with it, in front of everyone it was just beggingto make an ass out of himself.
"Man up and take the needle sprout." Kanda muttered under his breath.
Allen closed his mouth and watched the poker match in discontent. After a while he noticed with some amusement that Kanda stood no chance. He told him that himself.
"How do you know?" Kanda asked furiously.
Although it was meant to be rhetorical Allen answered with a cheerful, "Because Lavi's cheating five different ways."
Kanda's answer was a muffled curse and a handful of cards thrown in his opponent's chagrined face and a scuffle promptly took place as Lavi tried and failed to protest his innocence. His case wasn't helped when Kanda found an ace tucked into his shoe.
Kanda's pain helped sooth Allen's aching mind.
oOo_oOo_oOo
It was half way through math class that they were called into the gym for their immunizations.
Normally, Allen would have welcomed a reason to skip out on the unit. Math was most definitely not his strong point. And having Kanda lord his superiority of the subject over him was a blow to his ego.
But all the same, the doors to the gym seemed somehow larger than normal and Allen shifted restlessly in the line. He had a sudden empathy for those waiting outside the gates of judgment.
Kanda noticed his shifting and took the opportunity to jab him in the ribs with his elbow. "If you keep grating on my nerves like this," Kanda threatened "I'll give you a reason to be afraid of needles."
"I have a perfectly good reason to be afraid of needles." Allen muttered silently, not silently enough though it seemed as Kanda thrown him a suspicious sideways glance.
Their class was ushered inside and Allen felt his mouth go dry at the all too familiar scent of disinfectant.
Deep breaths…Allen advised himself doing just that. He waited a few moments. It didn't seem to be helping. Frustrated with his lack of control, Allen followed his class into the large building.
Several stations were set up along the far wall with a small line at each, volunteers and teachers manning each one with a fresh bag of needles. The rest of the gym was crowded with students spread out on the hard wooden floor or on chairs that had been dragged over.
The calmer of the students played cards or otherwise chatted while they waited for the allotted time period to pass before heading back to class. Other less capable students were hunched over miserably in corners sniffling occasionally while they were soothed by friends.
Allen envied both lots of students.
"Kanda! Allen!" At the sound of his name Allen looked up to see Lavi and Lenalee sitting comfortably in a corner of the gym, their sleeves rolled up to show brightly colored bandages.
Kanda for his part ignored them, strolling over to the shortest of the lines available and waiting there impatiently. Allen smiled and waved over at his friend and hoped the light sheen of sweat he could feel building up on his face wasn't too obvious.
Taking a deep breath he turned and joined Kanda in the line.
Just a needle. It's not like before. This one is tohelp you. Don't panic, and more importantly don't react violently. You can do this…Allen coached himself as the amount of people between himself and the table lessoned. Finally, it was only Kanda between him and the dumpy looking motherly nurse.
He watched as Kanda rolled up his sleeve and said gruffly to the fumbling woman, "get on with it."
Allen felt his breath freeze up as the woman tore back the paper on a fresh needle, the liquid inside invisible due to the tinted plastic.
The small, cheap casing of the needle was nothing like the expensive, glass models Allen had spent a vast majority of his life with, but the vicious point and gleam of steel set his mind racing back through the years.
Cold, rubbery hands holding him still as he struggled desperately against those holding him.
Kanda's arm was swabbed gently with a cotton bud and Allen shook his head fiercely as if to clear it of the disturbing memories floating in there. Kanda gave him a curious look as the needle punctured his arm.
Allen was too busy looking away wide eye and pale to see it and Kanda concernedly observed that his friend looked like he'd seen a ghost.
Kanda turned to see the woman bustling through a plastic bag to fish out a colorful, patterned band aid and stepped back. "I don't want one." He said bluntly and the lady looked offended by his curt language.
Kanda however ignored her, gently shaking Allen's shoulder. The teen started and let out a whooshof air as his breath gusted out of him. He looked up into the Japanese man's face and was greeted by surprisingly soft eyes.
He smiled weakly. "I'm fine. You go sit down with Lavi and Lenalee."
A shake of the head showed his instant dismissal of the idea. "I'll wait here for you." He said firmly. Kanda knew too well the fear of the needle as it approached. However, what he did not comprehend was the depth and magnitude of Allen's fear. He'd simply been paranoid of the needle. Allen had learnt to fear it with all his being.
"Next please." The lady shifted with ill-disguised impatience and Allen felt his stomach turn over as he approached. He was vaguely aware of Kanda hovering just out of his field of vision, perhaps hoping to catch him should he faint.
All too likely of a possibility. Allen thought grimly as he fumbled with his sleeve.
Eventually he rolled up the sleeve enough for the needle, taking care to show as little of his scars as he could. He was not entirely successful and the lady frowned at the small knot of healed flesh just below his elbow, taking note as she did so of the smaller scars on his arm. Lucky for Allen she put them down to a young, adventurous mind.
She dabbed gently at his flesh with a lightly doused cotton bud. As she did so the pungent smell of the antiseptic catapulted Allen back into his memories.
Throat raw from screaming he struggled without any real strength against the hands. The feel of latex gloves gliding of his arm sent shivers of fear down his spine. A calm voice crooned soothing words but they were little more than fearful background noise. A prelude of what was to come.
His wrist were gripped tightly and he was thrown painfully on his back on the cool, metal table and he closed his eyes against what he knew was to come.
Allen took a sharp breath as the needle hovered close to his arm, the lady gouging the best place to jab him. Somewhere far at the back of his mind he reasoned that the needle was completely safe and he'd been preparing for this kind of reaction, but the greater part of his mind automatically connected the silvery gleam of the needle tip to the horrors he'd undergone.
"Don't…" Allen croaked his throat dry from fear and a sick feeling in his stomach as he said it. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Kanda take a step towards him but his eyes were fixed on the nurse in front of him.
She frowned, failing to take in his pallid shade of skin and the breath that burst out from his lips in horrified gasps, his eyes far away pleading with somebody nobody could see.
She frowned in a matronly gesture. Ignoring all the signs of a boy who most certainly should notbe injected she snapped "don't be a baby," and plunged the needle into his arm.
Had she perhaps done the injection gently as she'd been trained Allen would have been pulled back from his reverie of rough handling men and into the mundane school environment. Where he was in his memories, kind words and gentle injections were not common place.
However, she'd wanted to prove her point and had stabbed at him with a little more venom than intended, sick of these whiny, spoilt brats who couldn't handle a little bit of pain.
It didn't occur to her that this boy was scared to death and could only react badly to such treatment.
As for Allen, the second the needle was rammed unsympathetically into his arm he lost the shallow hold on the situation he had. Suddenly, he was a preteen again, faced with a familiar and horrifying situation.
The plunger was pushed down and the chemicals swirled through his veins, enriching his bloodstream with drugs.
Instantly a sense of weightlessness overtook Allen and his head spun dizzily on his shoulders. Tearing away from the restraining hands Allen launched himself away, skidding to a halt as he bent forward and retched violently.
"Allen!"
Allen was vaguely aware of familiar voices calling him, hands grabbing at him as his legs struggled to hold his weight and he staggered backwards from the pool of vomit before him.
To Allen's feverish mind the voices were trying to catch his attention and the hands were those of his captors.
This was it. This was the one. The drug was too potent. His body couldn't handle it. He was done. There would be no more liquid being pumped into him. He was finished.
Allen was babbling incoherently now as Kanda struggled to hold him up. Lavi had sprinted from the gym to get Komui and Lenalee hovered uncertainly behind the myriad of people gathering around Allen, dangerously close to tears as she watched her helpless friend.
The thought of an end was oddly comforting and Allen eagerly reached for the idea even as he felt his legs give out beneath him. He may be done, but that was a release within itself. There would be no more.
Allen who was still a million miles away wrapped up in the stuff that formed his nightmares collapsed against Kanda who was swearing loudly as he struggled to take Allen towards the gym doors where the headmaster was rushing forward.
Allen was vaguely aware of being shifted but the greater part of his mind was fixed on the idea of death.
Darkness for once was comforting and Allen felt it calling in whispered voices to him. Somewhere in there Mana would be waiting to welcome him back and he would be safe once more.
Allen breathed out and sank into the welcoming whispers of darkness.
OoO_oOo_oOo
LONG AUTHORS NOTE BUT PLEASE READ… Love you!
I'd really love to thank all of my reviewers. I can't express how much your reviews mean to me. I read every single one and smile like hell as I do so. I'm sorry I never reply – there's just so many. I do try my hardest though to reply to messages though.
So, this chapter is dedicated to all of you and your willingness to let me know my strength and weakness's.
AND I express my deepest, sincerest thanks to all those who review every chapter. You know who you are and rest assured I do to – I never feel complete till I see that new review from you guys. I love you all so much… Sorry if I sound sort of creepy there.
Also, I don't know why but I feel the need to assure you I actually DO know what I'm doing with my story. I know it seems a bit hectic and rushed at times, but that's not because I'm thinking things up on the spot. That's because I'm trying to get everything I HAVE thought in -.-"
I apologise if at times it seems a bit choppy and vague, but that's part of the thrill, right? Not knowing?
Haha, I'm so glad to see you guys are all eager to know Allen's past. A little bit at a time, guys… A little at a time.
I know I mentioned to a few of you who sent me messages that I'd been working on a oneshot recently titledThe trials and tribulations of being matchmaker.(beta: am I the only one that thought Phoenix Wright? :) …Ignore me) Guh, I'm sorry but I have decided I'm dissatisfied with it and will be rewriting much of it so it's going to be a bit late.
I know you came to read the story so I'm sorry for the absurdly long Authors note, but one last thing.
I'M ON SCHOOL HOLIDAYS. You know what that means, right? More time to write and update!
Thank you very much ~ Yuu-chi