Rebirth of Love
Musings of a Recovering Yandere
Chapter 14

School Lunch

How delightful it would be to converse intimately with someone of the same mind, sharing with her the pleasures of uninhibited conversation on the amusing and foolish things of this world, but such friends are hard to find.

—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #12

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The next day at school, Natsuki found me coming back from the ladies room just before lunch.

"Hey. You doing anything for lunch?" she hesitantly asked. "I've... I... um, if you aren't, I'd like to have lunch with you."

"With you, Natsuki? Of course."

How could I turn down a request from her, and especially one which I sensed was significant enough to make her this uncertain. I saw her expression minutely change to relief, then concern again as some private thought occurred to her.

"I doubt Kikukawa-han will begrudge us the use of the new Student Council Room," I ventured.

The offer of privacy seemed to ease this new concern of Natsuki's.

We found Yukino in the Student Council Room, and she readily agreed to let us use it as a private lunchroom. "Anyway, I should find Haruka-chan and have her show me some more of the patrol routes she uses," she explained, heading for the door. She nodded knowingly to me as I closed the door behind her.

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Natsuki and I pulled up chairs, sat down across from each other at one of the tables, and took out our lunches. I poured tea for both of us to drink.

"Thank you for joining me for lunch," I said. "I'm honored."

Natsuki's blush was far deeper than I would have expected from just those words. There was something else going on her her mind, and I would simply wait for her to tell me. I sipped my tea, trying to be patient. This was not the time for me to push, I sensed, as I didn't want to raise Natsuki's powerful self-protective instinct. I left it up to her to say why she wanted to talk. Even if she didn't, I would still enjoy sharing lunch with her. I was completely honest when I told her how honored I felt.

"I, um..." Natsuki finally, hesitantly began. "I think I need someone to talk to. Mai's busy and Mikoto wouldn't understand, and... honestly you were the first person who came to mind."

That was a surprise and a compliment. Though she mentioned Mai, her roommate, first, she explicitly said I was the first to come to her mind. Part of me hoped that was not only for talking. But I still treasure all talking with her.

"Thank you, Natsuki. What is it that you'd like to talk about?"

My mind spun several possible scenarios for me, but I ignored them and focused on Natsuki. Whatever I could do or be for her, I wanted to.

"Well, you know how Takeda's chased after me for years?"

I nodded in agreement, indicating she should continue.

"Well, yesterday..." Natsuki's blush deepened, and she finished in a rush. "Yesterday Yamakura—in Mai's class—asked me to go out with him. He said that he's been in love with me for a long time, that I was beautiful, that he thought we could have fun together."

Having said all that, she resolved the issue of how to proceed next by digging into her lunch with gusto.

"Oh, my." I don't think I quite succeeded in suppressing my smile, but at least I wasn't blatant about my reaction. "Thank you for trusting me enough to talk this over. It does sound like he surprised you with this. How do you feel about his confession? —or about him?"

"I wasn't expecting it; I thought I only had to worry about Takeda and had settled that. And how do I feel?" Natsuki paused and looked out the window, then straight at me. "I don't know... confused? worried? That's why I wanted to talk to you."

She trusted me enough to lay this issue of the heart before me. And she felt that talking with me would help her confusion and worry? That was a complement, but then my mind pointed out that this could be because she saw me as only a friend. Perhaps the uncertainty that raised prompted me to fall back into my old style of teasing.

"I can't say I'm surprised that others find my cute Natsuki attractive."

Why did I say that!? Of course, Natsuki was outraged by it, but somehow it seemed much milder than usual. Why? Anyway, now that our practiced repartee was over, I continued with what I should have said.

"You didn't say you felt happy, Natsuki, or even that you felt complimented. Those are common reactions."

"No." Natsuki paused, thoughtful. She was giving serious thought to my response, as it seemed that she had little experience with either romance or sorting out her own feelings.

I took this time to ponder why more guys now seemed willing to approach Natsuki. This would certainly not have happened last year, and if it had, Yamakura would have been breaking icicles off his nose from the cold blast, while Natsuki went off, never giving the incident another thought. Could it be that "Ice Princess Natsuki" was beginning to thaw? I dared say nothing, but wondered if anyone else might have noticed that soft smile which would sometimes grace her face when she thought no-one else was looking. And if I dared say nothing, still less could I let myself speculate on the origin of that smile. Natsuki saved me by finishing her thoughts.

"It didn't make me happy," she answered. "And complimented? I don't want this from him. I—" She stopped as a realization seemed to click into place. "You never asked how I answered him."

"If you would rather not tell me, Natsuki, I'm not going to ask, but if you do want to..."

And how I hoped she wanted to tell me, and that her answer would be what I wished, and the opposite of what I wished she would give me someday.

"I turned him down," Natsuki replied. A shadow of relief crossed her face. Did this merely come from being able to say this out loud, or did something on my face—I know there had to be some reaction there—bring solace to her? It was my turn to respond, and to save pondering these questions until later.

"And you're wondering if you did the right thing?" I asked.

Natsuki nodded. "I didn't want to be cruel anymore, but dating him... That just doesn't appeal to me."

"Then you were right to turn him down," I replied. It was easy to support Natsuki's choice, especially when that was what I wished her to do as well. On sober consideration, I think it was right in a more objective light as well. "You can always second guess yourself until you're unsure of anything," I elaborated. "Do you want to talk about how you feel about him?"

I hoped this might bring some sharing from Natsuki, but even if it didn't, I was here supporting her, and I found that of material help to myself.

"He's a guy," was Natsuki's simple, flat response.

I think the answer surprised her, possibly more than me. She answered quickly enough that I feel this was her first reaction, yet the way she said it made it almost seem complete. I know such an answer would have been sufficient for me, given my orientation, but I was hesitant to firmly affix such to Natsuki as well.

Natsuki continued, trying to sort out her self-understanding as she explained things to me. "I don't know. I guess I'm not interested in spending time with some leering guy who just thinks I'm good looking."

"Yet you specifically asked to have lunch with a leering girl who thinks you're good looking."

Again my mouth ran on ahead of my thoughts. But before I had time to wonder if I offended Natsuki, or whether it would have been better judgment on my part to not bring up myself and my feelings for her, she countered... strongly.

"But you're different!"

Surprise knocked any wondering out of my mind. I did not try to rebuild the mask I normally wore, and merely quietly, sincerely asked,

"Really?"

Natsuki nodded but said nothing in response.

Hope sprang up in my heart that she might actually mean what I so desperately wished but dared not ask. I was also too much of a coward, scared that Natsuki might give an answer that would put more distance between us rather than bring us closer the way I hoped. But a corner of my mind spoke to me, pointing out that Natsuki had not reacted with the outrage I would have expected this teasing statement to elicit. Rather, it almost felt like she was defending me ...even against myself. I wonder if this confusion showed on my face. Maybe that prompted Natsuki to volunteer this explanation.

"You've always been there and cared for me," she said. "I don't feel you're trying to take something from me or..."

Natsuki paused, and I held my peace, giving her time to find words she seemed to be looking for. And if I could give her time rather than pressure...

"Have you ever been attracted to a guy?" she continued. "What's it like?"

I stared at Natsuki in mute surprise. Of all the possible ways I was imagining that she might have continued her explanation, this question was nothing even close. I also had not expected the implication that she had never been so attracted. As my brain finished realizing this, I felt my smile soften and grow. It was genuine happiness, and I wished to share it with her.

"No, I'm sorry. I never have, Natsuki. I can play the part at times when it's required, but I never really have. Women..."

I bowed my head and grasped my teacup, hoping this porcelain filled with warm normalcy could help me be good to Natsuki as well as honest.

"Women, yes. I..."

I decided it was safer to be a little less concrete. Fully stating my feelings for Natsuki in detail now might be a bit more than she wanted—and wasn't really needed for my explanation. Anyway, this talk should focus on Natsuki's needs, not mine.

"Women are lovely. There are some I just feel attracted to: I also want to hold and hug them, and yes, more. ...Men? Some might be interesting to talk to as friends, but that's about it."

"I see." Natsuki nodded. "I understand what you're saying about men. I've had few enough friends as it is, but I see."

It looked like she really did understand. I noticed that Natsuki spoke only about men, and the back of my head said, pay attention. Did she say nothing about women because they meant nothing to her, or could it possibly be because they meant more and she didn't want to talk about that ...yet. I hoped that "yet" was there, as that was the direction my dreams for her—for us—lay. But I would not assume; I would accept Natsuki as she was. I felt it far better to cherish her friendship than chance destroying it through a mistaken assumption. Natsuki's expression asked me to say more, to hold up my side of the conversation and not loose myself in my own musings.

So I replied, "I suppose I may not be the right person to ask about love. After all, no-one would say that I've had a `normal' experience with it."

"You've always been much better than just normal," countered Natsuki with a smile that implied a deeper meaning than usual. She then changed the subject back, "But how should I act toward Yamakura the next time I see him?"

I guess I am not the only one who will shy away from topics which might become ...uncomfortable.

I thought for a moment. Natsuki deserved an answer with real consideration behind it. "You don't have to be quite as forceful with everyone as with Takeda-han," I began.

Natsuki sniffed cutely in disdain at this. My guess is that she actually had a low enough opinion of men to believe they might all need such a vigorous rejection. I remembered seeing Takeda looking a bit tattered after a couple of those rejections, in spite of his skill as captain of the kendo club. Natsuki is certainly capable.

I grinned at the memory and continued, "...at least initially. Had Yamakura-han asked me, I would probably act like he had only given me a complement. `You're beautiful' is a rather nice one." I decided not to tell her that he was definitely right about her beauty, regardless of whatever else he might have said. "Since you've already turned him down, that question is answered and you can go on is if it wasn't asked. In your case, being a bit curt would be completely normal. I would need to remain polite, but maybe a little distant. Does that help?"

"Yes. Thanks Shizuru." Then the gratitude in her voice gained an edge of something I could almost call panic. "But what if he asks again? Or what if someone else does?"

"Then you can turn him down again, Natsuki," I replied. "That is, unless you decide you don't want to do that."

I saw a flash of rejection pass across Natsuki's face at the mere suggestion that she might accept such an invitation, and it made my heart rejoice.

"And if they keep asking, I can get more forceful?" Natsuki asked.

"Yes," I replied with another grin.

Natsuki grew one in response. I figure she was debating whether or not the permission to be "more forceful" balanced out being asked again.

We broke into shared laughter. It was the perfect way to finish a lunch together.

Author's Note:
Here we get to see Natsuki interacting with Shizuru again. Some of you commented on Natsuki's absence last chapter, missing her. I think Shizuru missed her as well. Hopefully you have enjoyed the return of her company. I know Shizuru did.

Thank you all for continuing to read Rebirth of Love and share your thoughts with me. My muse thanks you as well. We both look forward to what you will have to say on this chapter.