A/N: So, here we go again.

The song for this chapter is Send the Pain Below by Chevelle.

Thanks goes to Dinx, jointgifts, and Mizzdee for all their hard work in making this chapter presentable. Without these girls, I wouldn't havethe guts to post. I love these girls—hard.

Chapter 14

~.~.~.~

Send the Pain Below

June 20, 2003

Jasper stood still waiting for me. I could feel the tension rolling off him. He knew that his time was up and he was going to have to give me some answers.

It was strange, the way he reacted toward me. He and I had always had a sort of easy quasi-friendship. Jasper was Edward's best friend, and I was Edward's girl, which meant we were friends by association. We'd never hung out without Edward, because it would have seemed strange, but in Edward's company, we just went with the flow. At that moment, though, Edward wasn't there to be the go-between, and Jasper and I were left to our own devices.

I reached Jasper and stood a few feet away from him. He recoiled from me like I would bite his hand off, castrate him, and burn him all with one look. It was slightly disturbing because, before everything that had happened, I'd thought we had a better friendship than that. Apparently not, but I brushed it off because I needed answers.

"What's up?" Jasper added timidly.

"You tell me. What the hell, Jasper?" I responded with a question of my own.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he answered.

"Why haven't you said one word to me since we arrived? Why are you avoiding me?" I asked.

He looked down at the ground, scratching the back of his neck. The anger coursed through me while I watched on, and I wanted to know why he couldn't just answer my questions. After everything that had happened, I thought I deserved a response.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a frustrated tone.

"Well, for starters…I'd like for you to tell me why you haven't said anything to me," I demanded.

"What could I say? You, as well as everyone else, blame me for what happened to Edward. How is me saying anything going to help?" Jasper whispered.

"Fine, I do blame you," I started. His gaze met mine, and a pain-filled expression crossed his face. "But I don't think it's all your fault."

"Really? Because the vibe I'm getting from everyone is that I'm nothing but a worthless son of a bitch that aided in almost killing his best friend," he said in a frustrated tone. "If that doesn't make me culpable, I don't know what does."

Fucking great. This was just what I needed—Jasper deciding to play the martyr. I wanted to bang my head against the wall or punch him in the face, because I was so tired of everyone's bullshit. It seemed like the moment we found out Edward was in bad shape, everyone decided that they were the guilty party and that we should all pity them. Well, I was tired of it, and Jasper was the first fucker that was going to suffer my wrath.

"Oh my God, Jasper. Dramatic much? Were you the one driving the fucking car?" I asked with anger seeping into my voice.

"Well, no, but I…" Jasper started.

"No, you weren't," I pointed out, interrupted him.

He opened his mouth again to speak, but I cut him off.

"Just…shut the fuck up," I ordered.

His mouth shut, and his eyes went wide.

"Now, like I said, you weren't driving the car. Alice was the one driving the car. Your idiot ass and my boyfriend were the ones who were sitting on the hood. She was the one who drove off and then stopped short. So, if you're to blame, then so is she."

"Wait a minute!" Jasper exclaimed. "Alice feels real bad about that, but if I hadn't talked Edward into sitting on the car, then maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"Oh please, have you ever known Edward to do anything he didn't want to do?" I questioned.

He stood silent. The look on his face told me he knew I was right.

"No. Getting on the fucking car was his fault. So, do you want to know what your part in all this is?" I asked, goading him on. He nodded his head, and his brow creased. I could tell that I was pissing Jasper off. Well, too fucking bad. It felt wonderful to let out the tension that had been building for days.

"Being a shitty friend—that is where your responsibility in all this is. Damn it, Jasper, did you have to always supply him with drugs? Couldn't you have, like once, told him no? Or said, hey, man, maybe you've had enough? No, you were content to feed him all the chemicals he could ever want because you're too pathetic to have any other friends, or even have a real girl, like you!" I yelled.

He stumbled back a couple of steps with pain written on his face. It was a low blow, and I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself. The flood gates had been opened, and everything I had been holding in since Edward's family had started turning on each other, and me, was released. It was a catharsis that had been a long time coming, and had unfortunately been aimed directly at Jasper.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and I started to feel bad because he didn't deserve all of my anger. I started to apologize, but then he spoke.

"Do you want to know what happened that day?" he asked. His voice was weak, and I could see that he was on the verge of crying.

"He told me, before we got plastered and came to the house, that he couldn't keep leaving you alone anymore. Edward said he was sorry, but you had to start coming first. Christ, Bella, he was terrified that you would leave him. I wasn't lying when we talked the other day—Edward really does care that much. You are everything to him, and he chose you. He talked about going to rehab and getting himself together, because he knew that you weren't going to put up with his shit for much longer."

Jasper's voice cracked, and he turned his head away. I stood there shocked, not wanting to believe what he was telling me, because it was too horrible for me to comprehend. If he had really decided to get clean, then what the fuck had gotten in the way of it?

Like a ton of bricks, it hit me.

My actions the night of the accident.

That was what got in the way of him becoming a better man.

I felt sick.

"Jasper, what…what…why did he…?" I asked. The words were stuck in my throat, and I couldn't get them out. Everything was crashing around me, and I didn't know if I wanted to understand just what had happened that day.

"He, uh, he got drunk because of his dad. Edward didn't want to deal with his father's shit sober. He said it was the last time that he was ever going to do it, and he wanted to go out with a bang, you know?" he replied. He somehow knew exactly what information I wanted to know.

"So, when we showed up, and you flipped out," he continued. "he went crazy. When he stormed outside, he was babbling about how you'd dumped him and how he wasn't going to let you go. Edward was so pissed. Here he was, about to give up so much for you, and you were ready to leave."

"It wasn't quite like that," I whispered, remembering exactly what had gone down in that bathroom. "I have a different recollection of that night."

He nodded, taking what I had said at face value.

"Anyway, he talked about just going out and drinking until he passed out. We argued and eventually I got him to settle down. When Alice came out, it escalated again and there was no calming him after that. I just kind of went with it, and it seemed like a good idea at the time," Jasper admitted.

"And then he got hurt," I murmured.

"Yeah, he fell off the damn car and everything went to shit."

I was reeling from the new information, wondering why this had happened. Edward and I had been on the precipice of our happily ever after, and it had been yanked away by a series of bad decisions on mine, Edward's, Jasper's, and Alice's parts. The what ifs attacked my brain, leaving me feeling more guilty than I had before.

"I'm sorry. If I had been a better friend…" Jasper started.

"Don't," I whispered. "Yes, you have some guilt in this, but I went too far. I'm the one that's sorry."

"Bella…" he said.

I waved him off as I walked away, needing to be alone. It was too much to process around someone, especially him. I needed a moment to get my head together and figure everything out.

How I made it downstairs into the main floor of the hospital, I will never know. Dazed is the only way I could describe myself as I twisted and turned through the hospital corridors. Where I ended up looked like a hallway, but there were wooden benches lined against the walls. An exit sat at the end, but it didn't look like it was used much. It could have been closed due to the late hour, but at the moment, it didn't matter. The area was quiet and deserted, which was what I desperately needed.

I sat down on one of the hard wooden benches and thought about that fateful night, analyzing each word and action while trying to match it up with what Jasper had told me. The one thing that I didn't understand, though, was if it was true, why hadn't Edward said anything? Telling me that he was finished with the drugs and alcohol would have probably been the only thing that would have changed my mind that night. It was the one thing I'd hoped he would say to me for so long, and it crushed me to think that I'd been that close to getting everything I'd ever wished for.

The accident had torn my world apart and possibly stripped away the chance of ever knowing what Edward had been thinking that night. I might never come to understand what had driven him to go on the defensive instead of telling me what he had planned on doing.

For a moment, I was sure Jasper had been lying to me, but his actions since everything had gone south contradicted that thought. I couldn't think of any other reason why he would avoid me like he had been. It made sense, somewhat, that he couldn't look me in the eye because of his guilt and the knowledge that Edward had chosen to get better, but Jasper had played a part in it never happening. I wanted to be mad at him, but yet, how much could I really put on his shoulders?

Before the accident, I had pushed Edward, causing him to react. He, in turn, chose to let his anger get the best of him and leave out some important information. When he stormed off, he also decided to listen to Jasper, who thought it would be a good idea to suggest sitting on the hood of Alice's car. Her culpability was in letting her anger rule her actions, making her decide to "show" them, which resulted in the mess we were in.

As I processed this new information, the ill feelings I held toward Jasper subsided a bit. I couldn't really blame him for what had happened, because even when he was drunk, Edward was not one to be manipulated. Yes, he could be persuaded, but if he didn't like the suggestion or think it was what he wanted to do, he had no problem saying no. In my rush to find someoneto pin the fault on, I glossed over that particular fact. It didn't make sense anymore to be so angry with Jasper.

Alice, on the other hand, was making it hard to feel anything other than betrayal. I had chalked up her part in everything as a bad decision from the beginning. Her attitude since had caused me to rethink that first impression. I had no way of knowing what the smug looks, and her insistence that I wasn't as important as she was, had to do with anything, but I was going to find out. There was no reason at the moment to lay blame where it didn't belong, but she was pushing me to be angry for a different reason. In that moment, I promised myself that Alice was the next person I was going to have it out with.

That left Edward and his decisions that night. It was the first time I'd had a moment to evaluate his part in what had transpired and still came back to one thing—why had he left out his desire to go to rehab? What had upset him so much that he had to blow up at me rather than telling me? Something Jasper had said the other night tugged at the edge of my subconscious, trying to break through.

~.~.~.~

June 10, 2003

"What should I think? My fucking boyfriend is always with you," I seethed.

"I promise you—he doesn't even notice them. They could walk around naked, and he wouldn't see them. I can't tell you how many times I've had a good laugh because Edward pissed off some whore that wanted this attention but didn't get it," he assured me.

"Why should I believe you?" I asked. "You are his best friend. Isn't it supposed to be bros before hoes or some shit like that?"

"Most of the time that's how it is, but not when it comes to you. I'm going to tell you something that I've never admitted to anyone, and I'll deny it if you ever tell Edward, okay?" he asked, gauging my reaction.

I nodded my head. Whatever words that came next didn't matter. Jasper was his best friend; of course he was going to defend Edward.

"I'm jealous of Edward," he admitted. He glanced at me, but I couldn't say anything. Talk about something that came out of left field. This was not what I expected him to say. Wait, why was he jealous?

"I want what you and Edward have. I thought I came close twice before, but it fell apart. You guys give me hope that there is someone out there for me, and I can't let you give up without telling you that. God, Bella, that boy lives for you. Yeah, he's not always here but that doesn't mean you're not on his mind. It would literally kill him to lose you," Jasper confessed.

~.~.~.~

Son of a bitch.

I threatened to leave him—that's why he went off the deep end.

When things finally came into focus, it was hard to accept what was true. My actions had had a bigger impact than what I had previously thought, setting those terrible events in motion. My need to show Edward that I wasn't going to take his shit anymore kicked in his need for me, causing him to react. It was quite possible it had pushed the one thing that would have stopped this entire mess to the side. Edward knew that I wanted him to quit, I just never told him how much. He in no way knew how much difference one statement would have made with me, and that is where my fault laid. The fact that I'd hid that desire to keep the peace, and keep my boyfriend, helped bring Edward to where he was.

Something else was beginning to build inside of me, though. For the first time since I'd seen Edward lying on the pavement, I was mad…at him.

I was so focused on what was going on with Edward from moment to moment that I hadn't taken the time to think about anything else. Sitting there on the bench, though, there wasn't anything to take my mind off of it. The fact that he had been about to quit didn't matter as I thought about it, because he'd had plenty of opportunities to do so before. What had happened to make that particular time unique? Nothing had changed enough for him to commit to quitting and tell me about his decision.

His actions showed that he was content staying on the same course he'd been on for years. Many times, I'd felt like I was his mistress, and he was married to his addictions. The demons demanded his attention, gave him the joy and pleasure of a lover, were there when he needed them, and sometimes were the only comfort he required. Being jealous of something you never stood a chance against was a hard pill to swallow, but I had foolishly thought I could win. I had been determined to show Edward that I was going to be there for him unlike any other person in his life, that I could love him unconditionally and mean it, and that he'd never have to worry about me wanting to change him. Looking back, I was so fucking naïve.

Everything I had went into proving I was the one who could and would stand by him, and I was still doing it. I hated him for blindsiding me in my room the night he asked me to be his girl back in high school, and at the same time, I couldn't imagine what my life would have been like had he just let things go. Honestly, I knew that I would probably be at a better station in life—the education, the house, the job, and maybe even the husband and kids. Question was, though, would I have been happy in that universe? After knowing the love I shared with Edward, despite all the shit he put me through, would that existence have brought me more bliss?

No. It wouldn't have.

No matter what, I would have always wondered what would have happened had I taken my chances with Edward. The intensity with which he loved compared to no other, and I couldn't imagine how I could have feelings that intense about someone else. It's a cliché to say that you feel like your partner is the one, but it was how I felt about him. I knew that if the unthinkable was to happen, I would never seek out love again, because it would be too painful to open my heart up for anyone else. It was something I wouldn't risk again.

That rationale was also what kept me at the hospital, waiting for Edward to wake up. I couldn't picture being anywhere else but by his side. Right or wrong, it was how I felt, and I wasn't concerned with how people would view my choice. I'd always been the type of person who stuck by a commitment I'd made to someone. It was something that had been ingrained into me as a child by my grandmother. She had always said that anyone can stay when things are good, but it takes a strong person to stick with your significant other when things are bad.

There was so much Edward and I needed to talk about once he woke up. I sighed and stood up, deciding to go back upstairs so I could sleep. I didn't want to think about what time it was, so I avoided looking at a clock.

When I entered the waiting room, Esme was still awake. She watched me as I walked over to one of the couches and pulled out my pillow and blanket. Her eyes were still on me the entire time I set up my bed for the night. Honestly, it creeped me out a bit.

She was still staring when I turned around. Sighing, I waited for her to ask me if I was okay, and I wasn't disappointed.

"Are you all right, dear?" Esme questioned in a whisper.

I knitted my brows together, wondering why she was talking in such a low voice. Moving my head, I noticed that Carlisle was already asleep. Ah, so that's why.

"I'm fine, really," I answered honestly. "I just needed to clear my head. I feel better now."

Esme eyed me skeptically, but didn't question my explanation. I was glad because I didn't know how to answer her and didn't want to tell her what had really happened. It would have broken her heart to know what Edward had revealed to Jasper in those last few hours before everything went to hell.

Sleep didn't come easy after I had lain down, because my mind was still in overdrive. Talking with Jasper might not have been the smartest move right before bed. He'd given me a lot to think about, and I tried to shut it off.

~.~.~.~

June 21, 2003

Morning came, and we were up before the cleaning crew made it to the waiting room. Carlisle, Esme, and I weren't in the mood for a repeat of the prior day. We carried our belongings to the second floor, making our way to the causeway that led to the hotel. After my protests had fallen on deaf ears, it was decided that we would go to our rooms and freshen up.

A shower had sounded like heaven, but leaving the hospital, even if it was just across the street, made me nervous. I wanted to be as close as possible in case something happened. It was probably an irrational fear. However, with Edward's condition being as bad as it was, it didn't hurt to be cautious.

Carlisle handed me a key card when we reached our floor, and I looked for room number 209. When I spotted the door, I noticed the room was across from Carlisle and Esme's. I slid the card into the lock, and it opened with a beep. Once I entered, I set my things on the full sized bed and looked for the bathroom. I turned and saw it was on the other side of the small space. I took out clothes, underwear, and toiletries and went to the bathroom.

In the shower, I let the hot spray run down my body, willing the water to relax me. My mind drifted as I washed my hair, trying to decide what to do for the day. I couldn't see Edward until it was night anyway, so I had nothing to do until then. If I wasn't so afraid to be away from him, I would have probably taken a nap. That idea, though, was out. What I did know was that whatever I did would not involve interacting with anyone. Jasper, and his revelation, had killed my desire to be around anyone I knew.

When I was finished, I dried off and dressed, and then I dried, brushed, and threw my hair up in a ponytail. Foregoing the makeup, because there was no one I wanted to impress, I cleaned the bathroom up and went into the main room. My stomach grumbled, and the decision was made…first thing I was going to do was get something to eat.

The cafeteria was virtually empty when I went inside, and the only people I saw were the ones working. I guessed that I had missed the breakfast rush, and for that, I was thankful. Making my way to the back corner, I sat down and ate my meager meal. Food wasn't appealing in the least, but I knew I had to eat something. With Esme, my mother, Sue, and Erin being otherwise occupied, I could actually have what I wanted without getting lectured on how I needed to eat more. I knew I should, but my appetite was nonexistent. I would get hungry, but would quickly lose my appetite. The food was lousy and the stress was becoming too much. It was beginning to affect my eating, as well as my sleep. Sure, I was aware this wasn't healthy, but I didn't have much choice. I wasn't going to leave, so it was best that fact was kept to myself.

~.~.~.~

The day was spent exploring the hospital, looking at various things that caught my interest. I found out that there were many different ICU departments throughout the building—one for infants, heart patients, and even a general ICU. Really, I had no idea why that interested me so much, but it did.

Visiting the maternity ward was painful, and I wasn't even sure why I did it. Maybe it was a way to remind myself of what I would never have. Maybe I did it to pretend that I lived in an alternate universe, and one of those tiny people was mine and Edward's. Maybe I just wanted to torture myself.

Whatever the reason was, I stood outside the glass and watched as the nurses took care of other people's children. It made me sad, but the sight also made me feel a sense of awe. In that place, that hospital, there was the potential for great joy and great sorrow. On one hand, you had the babies, who were born and were cause for celebration. On the other, you had situations like the one I was experiencing—people saddened over the pain of a hurt loved one. Some were even less fortunate, having to watch someone die. In all of this, the circle of life was shown at all points throughout the day, and I wondered if anyone had stopped to think about it.

I shook my head. Snap out of it and put away the morbid thoughts.

I met up with everyone at dinner time, choosing to sit as far away from them as I could. I was beginning to feel disconnected from these people and wasn't in the mood to be pulled into conversation. It wasn't even the fact they were paired off anymore, but it had more to do with the general attitude. Most times, I watched as they acted like this was any other day, listening to them talk about Edward like we weren't in the middle of a crisis. Then when we would meet on the third floor, it was like a switch had been flipped. Their outlook changed, and it was all tears and sadness. I couldn't know for sure what it was all about, and I was well aware that everyone handled stressful situations differently, but it was hard not to be upset with them. I wore my pain on my sleeve for the world to see. It was hard to see anyone laughing and joking in my presence.

Erin Whitlock caught up with me as I left, linking her arm through mine. So much for avoiding people today, I thought as she led me away. We walked until we reached a small library, located toward the back of the hospital on the first floor. Well, damn. If I had known that this existed, I would have spent my time in here today. She sat down on a bench right outside the doors, and I followed.

"So, how are you doing?" Erin asked.

"Um, I'm okay." I answered. Each time that question was asked, I wanted to stab myself in the eye. We'd been there for a few days, and I would have thought that she would know I wasn't okay, but she asked anyway. I wondered if she was testing to see if I would tell her the truth, or just give the stock answer I'd been using all this time.

"Uh-huh," she murmured, raising her eyebrow. Yep, that confirmed what I had thought. Erin was looking to catch me in a lie and had succeeded. Fuck it, though. Too much had happened already—I wasn't in the mood to play the good girl and fess up.

"You know that you can come to me for anything, right? I promise I won't judge you. You need someone that's here just for you, or you'll go crazy," she advised.

"Thanks, but I'm fine right now. Really."

That was probably the biggest lie I'd ever told, but I wasn't ready to talk about everything I'd learned the night before. She was Esme's best friend, which meant that she would probably tell her what Jasper had said. I couldn't risk Esme finding out, because I knew it would upset her.

"Your mother is driving me nuts," she admitted. This information had come out of nowhere, and I turned to look at her with a shocked expression.

"I'm sorry—I know. She's your mother, but shit. If I have to hear how she's already done it, seen it, or experienced it better, I'm going to scream. I have never met anyone that was so obsessed with one-upping another person in my life."

I laughed. Her statement about Renee was true. If it was out there, my mother had already done it, and it was old news. I had no idea what drove her to experience anything and everything—maybe a need to feel important. What I did know was that I had been to more classes, seminars, and gurus than I'd care to admit since childhood. A baseball clinic was where she met Phil. I still have no idea what possessed her to join something that was meant for college players honing their skills for major league tryouts. Yet, somehow she charmed her way in, like she always did, and fell in love. Luckily, I missed that one because Renee was afraid I would hurt myself.

"She's, uh, different. Just pretend to listen…that's how I deal with her," I explained.

"You poor girl," she teased.

I laughed.

"Come on, I heard they've got quite a selection in here," Erin said, motioning toward the library. I accepted her offer and went inside. I was happy to have a distraction that didn't involve being inside my own head.

~.~.~.~

At nine o'clock that night, I was behind the NCCU doors and in Edward's room. Tanya had given me a report like the night before. Nothing had changed, and his ICP readings were still too high, requiring them to use the medication to bring down the swelling. It saddened me, because I was hoping that it would be different. There was nothing more I wanted in the world than for his pressure to go down so they could begin the process of waking him up. I had been denied access to those green eyes that held his very essence for too long. I missed the way he would stare at me to rile me up when he wanted my attention. I pined for his heated gaze across a room when we were in the company of others. I yearned for the love that he showed in them as we made love, telling me with one look that I was the one who had his heart and soul.

My wish had not been granted, so instead, I sat in that room and watched his still form. The only movement was the rise and fall of his chest as the ventilator breathed for him. I traced patterns and phrases on his forearm, trying to tell him subconsciously that I loved him, and I was there with him.

The twenty minutes I was allowed to be with Edward passed quickly, and before long, I walked back through the doors. Looking down the hall, I saw that most of the family was already in the waiting room. I walked toward the elevators, trying to be invisible. My desire to be away from them hadn't gone away, so I used the fact I had to get my pillow and blanket as an excuse to avoid them.

It didn't take long to retrieve the items, and I found myself walking back to the room where everyone was sitting. I decided to suck it up and join them, because I had successfully managed to stay away all day. All eyes were on me when I entered the room.

"Hey, where have you been?" Emmett asked with his brow furrowed. The way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable. It was like he was trying to figure out what was going on with me, and I didn't like it.

Erin smiled at me as I walked past her, winking. I grinned back—happy that she hadn't told anyone about our little library rendezvous earlier.

"Oh, here and there. I just walked around the hospital after dinner," I replied vaguely.

"Did you go see Edward?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, uh, I just came back from seeing him," I answered.

I caught Alice rolling her eyes at me, and I tried to ignore her. When I sat down, I noticed she was leaning into Jasper, almost like they were cuddling. I was still baffled by their behavior. For years, she had pushed him away because of his involvement in drugs. Her indifference had hurt him more than most people knew, and I was surprised that he was willing to let her get close to him. Sure, I understood why she had wanted nothing to do with him, but I couldn't find a reason why she was suddenly seeking his affection out.

I turned my head, waiting for everyone to leave so I could get some sleep. It was after ten, and the late nights were starting to catch up with me.

At eleven, I said fuck it and found another corner to claim. No one was leaving, and it was starting to piss me off. I knew they were watching me as I spread out the blanket on the floor, but I couldn't care less.

I laid down and wrapped the other side of the blanket around me, putting the pillow under my head. My eyes closed, and I dozed off to the sound of the conversations going on around me.

A/N: I don't know if you've been watching the news today, but the earthquake in Japan, and the tsunami headed for Hawaii and the west coasts of the U.S. and Canada is one of those "Acts of God" that make you feel helpless. Please take time out today to say a little prayer for the people going through this crisis, or if you're not the praying type, it would be nice if you'd keep them in your thoughts.

As always, I'm on twitter and so are my characters.

http:/twitter(dot)com/shelikethesound

http:/twitter(dot)com/Carsurfingward

http:/twitter(dot)Promisella

http:/twitter(dot)com/Drugsper

And there is also a group that stalks Jasper and calls him out on his stupidity. If you want to see that hilarious banner, follow Jasper and his playful stalkers.

http:/twitter(dot)com/TSFPWTFJIAB