Johanna POV
Gale's hand trailed up my leg and I pushed him away with both hands. His lips tore away from mine and he looked at me, his features pulled into this annoying smirk. "What the fuck, Johanna?" Gale crossed his arms over his chest. I was tired of him pushing his luck with me.
Gale and I had a relationship of convenience. He would seek me out every time he was rejected by Katniss and I would comply for the sake of human closeness. My depression was silent and my self-hatred grew every time his lips touched mine, but for a moment, I would see Iris's eyes in his and I could fall into a numb existence.
"You know where I draw the line." I headed for the door of the empty room we had met in. He groaned and threw his hands up in the air. "What is it with the fucking women around here?" I froze and turned back to look at him. "Well if you stopped trying to get into the pants of the murderous and psychologically damaged ones then you may have a chance. Until then, I make the rules on how we do this."
I stormed off and headed back to my ward. My hands shook from the effects of the morphling withdrawal and I felt sick more often than not. I had been stealing morphling from the medical supply closet almost daily. I couldn't stand the weight of the guilt of my actions concerning Gale. I wanted to get better, but I also didn't want to feel anything anymore.
The doctors told me it was a good idea to be moved out of the ward. After not seeing Katniss for weeks, I was surprised that she had offered to room with me. Our meeting was only by chance of course. She had been wheeled into the ward after being shot in District 2. The bullet hadn't even touched her, but the force was big enough to rupture her spleen.
She had been recovering when I spotted the beautiful clear liquid that was hooked up to her IV. I couldn't resist tapping into it, even though it weighed heavily on my conscience. She didn't seem to mind, so we shared the morphling. It was soon after that that Katniss had offered to share a compartment.
I didn't envy her for the attention she was getting. It affected her more than she let on. Peeta wasn't getting much better and had tried to kill her on more than one occasion. She also had to start training again when she was recovered. "Don't you think that you should start training too?" Katniss said to me one night in the ward. I huffed and turned over. "Go to sleep."
"I'm serious. Finnick is also training to raid the Capitol." I groaned. "Fine. Whatever, Brainless. Can I please get some sleep now?" She was silent from then on, but we both knew I wasn't going to be sleeping. I kept her awake many nights with screams from both the withdrawal and the nightmares I had of Iris.
We finally moved into a compartment. Katniss and I were not friends, but forced allies. I knew I would still die for her for the sake of the cause. The idea of death became more appealing as the morphling left my system begging for more. I had started to train with Katniss at a low level. Being a victor of the Hunger Games couldn't even prepare a person for the intensity of the training.
I often received help from Katniss when my hands shook too much to assemble my weapon. We quizzed each other on military tactics in our free time. I was starting to feel almost human again. Finnick also came to visit me again now that I was out of the ward. He told me that he and Annie were going to get married. I put on my happy face for him, but felt a deep pang of jealousy over what they had.
Gale came to see me more often too. Peeta was getting a little better so Katniss was again 'neglecting him.' "We have to stop this Gale." I said to him, stopping him before his lips could attack me in his usual lusty manner. "It doesn't mean anything Johanna. We agreed on this because it doesn't mean anything. Wasn't that the point?"
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. It was getting longer now, just brushing over the tops of my ears. "Exactly. It means nothing, so we should stop. I have to focus on training now." The truth was that I couldn't cope with the guilt now that there was no morphling in my system. He over-turned the desk in anger and started cursing. I just left the room without another word.
I started to become more focussed on training, reasoning out that I would be a shield for Katniss if it came to that. I wasn't afraid of dying anymore. If I died in this war, I'd find Iris again, and the people that inherit the world after we are gone will never have to live in fear of being reaped.
My morphling withdrawal was now over, but the addiction never went away. I'd find myself craving it when things started to get bad. I'd dream about the war; going into the Capitol and killing snow with my bare hands. I'd also dream about dying in the war and finding myself at complete peace with the world. I clung to those dreams like lifelines as I ran through the rain that felt like acid on my skin.
I held onto the thoughts of Snow's warm blood, running over my hands when I buried my axe in his skull.