Chapter 14 – Inside Struggle (part 1)

It's morning already? I wander what time it is so I take a look at the clock on the night table. 11 o'clock? Is it that late already? How could I sleep in like that? But this bed is really comfortable and I suppose I was tired after the long trip the other day and… everything else.

I hope Gilbert and August had breakfast already. I would hate myself if they have been up for a while and they are waiting for me so I decide to get up and get ready for the day even though I don't feel like it. It doesn't happen to me very often but sometimes I like to stay in bed for a while, especially when I don't have to attend classes or church. Well this is one of those days and I would have definitely stayed in bed if I didn't feel so guilty.

I reach the end of the hall and now I can clearly hear Gilbert's voice. He seems to be in a good mood today. After going down a few stairs I can see Gilbert and August downstairs in the main hall.

"I wander if Serge is alright" says August "He didn't look so good the other day."

"Does it matter? You have me to keep you company" says Gilbert prancing and dancing around August. I've never seen him so happy before. He's smiling and this time it's from the depth of his heart. He's giving August the most genuine smile I've ever seen him give to anyone, a smile that makes him glow.

"Now Gilbert, you should behave, he is our guest and it's normal for me to be concerned about his well being."

"I'm sure he'll be coming down eventually" starts Gilbert "but until then I want us to have some time for ourselves" he continues on a more seductive tone while he puts his arms around August's neck. The next thing I see is him closing the distance between them and I close my eyes. I can't watch this. This is just wrong.

My heart starts beating fast as I realize what had actually happened; Gilbert kissed his uncle in the same way he kisses Blough and Jacques and… me. I never imagined that this was the nature of their relationship… this is so wrong.

A mixture of feelings suddenly overwhelms me. I am angry; angry with August because he allows this to happen, sad because Gilbert has degraded himself so much and I had no idea how bad the situation really was I'm also a little happy because I can see Gilbert happy for the first time and I really want him to be but not like this. But most of all I'm frustrated. What I do know however is that Gilbert needs help more than I thought.

Regaining my composure is not easy but eventually I manage to do it and go downstairs.

"Good morning" I say trying to give them a smile, as if nothing happened.

"Good morning. Is everything alright?" asks August concerned.

Gilbert turns from August to look at me but he doesn't let him go. Does he do it on purpose because he knows that I don't like it or this is just normal for him?

"Yes, I just overslept that's all."

"Well then…I'm just glad you're alright. Why don't you go in the kitchen and have breakfast? Gilbert and I have finished already" says August showing me the way. I'm glad that I'll be eating alone today. I need some time to think and avoid embarrassing questions.

I never thought Gilbert's life was so complicated… I wander what else I will find out during my stay here. His parents don't seem to be around, maybe he doesn't have any anymore and his uncle, the one who is supposed to be taking care of him has the most inappropriate relationship with him. No wonder Gilbert turned to be like this.

After finishing breakfast I go in the library where Gilbert and August are.

"You have finished already?" asks August when he sees me enter the room.

"Yes, thank you." I haven't been in this room before and I can't help but be amazed by the large number of books. After taking a look around, I read a few titles then take a book out and take a look inside.

"Do you like reading, Serge?" asks August who's been watching me ever since I entered the room.

"Yes, but I didn't have time to read lately since there was a lot of studying I had to do."

"I'm glad to hear that, I wish Gilbert was more like you. You can come here whenever you want and read anything you like." Gilbert doesn't seem to like what August said because he leaves the room. I want to go after him but August stops me. "Let him go. Gilbert always makes a lot of fuss out of everything even unimportant things. If you go after him and try to make him feel better he'll never stop his bad habits." I can't believe he's the one talking about bad habits. It's true that Gilbert is making a fuss over nothing but I'd rather go after him.

"Can I take this book to my room? I'd like to read before bed time" making up a reason to leave is the only way to get out of the room. I'm lying, I know and I hate it but it's not hurting anyone and it's not a big lie.

"Of course, but only if you take it back after you finish with it."

"Thank you" I leave the library and start looking for Gilbert. I find him in the living room with a glass of whine in his hand. "Gilbert what are you doing?"

"Oh, you want one too?" He pours some whine in another glass and hands it to me.

"No, I shouldn't be drinking and neither should you."

"Oh, I forgot. Perfect boys don't drink while they are still underage." He takes the glass back and drinks it in one gulp. How can he do that? I remember having a sip of whine at one of my aunt's parties. It definitely wasn't something I could drink like that.

He puts the empty glass on the table and takes the one he was holding when I came in. I think my awe was obvious because he asks:

"What are you looking at?" I don't answer that, instead I tell him what I wanted to say in the first place.

"Why did you leave the library?"

"You and Augu were having the time of your life. I didn't belong there and I wasn't wanted either."

"Gilbert…that's not true. You're making too much fuss over what your uncle said."

"What Augu said was that he wanted you instead of me" he barked.

"He never said that, Gilbert." How did it come to this? How can he possibly think something like that? He is so obsessed when it comes to his uncle that he doesn't think strait anymore. "You must be drunk to say that."

"I'm not drunk…just leave me alone" Maybe he is not drunk yet but if I leave and he starts drinking again he will definitely be drunk. "Leave already" he barks again and throws the empty glass at the wall behind me.

"Fine."

It wasn't easy for me to leave Gilbert there all alone but there is no way to reason with him when he's like that, he becomes mad and doesn't listen at all. That's why I came back to my room after he broke the glass. I decided to read from the book I borrowed to take my mind off of him.

When I go down for lunch he is still angry, he wouldn't talk at all and he barely eats but at least he calmed down.

"Gilbert, what's wrong?" I try to approach him again after dinner when we are alone.

"If it wasn't for you things would have been better" he answers, obviously still angry.

"You keep on saying that but is it the only thing that's been bothering you?" I have a feeling that he is not angry with me he is just taking it all out on me.

"Of course it is. You managed to make my holiday miserable. You can be proud of yourself."

"Gilbert… I didn't mean to ruin anything for you…" All I want to do is help you, become your friend.

"If you want to do something nice for once then leave. Leave tomorrow, go back to school." He's almost pleading. Tears threaten to come out of his emerald green eyes and he doesn't even try to hold them back or hide them. But Gilbert never cries, no matter what happens to him he never lets tears show his weakness. He must be really hurt.

"No, I won't leave. I was invited here so I have the right to be here. You can't throw me out like that. " He slaps me and tries to run away but I grab his wrist instead. That's enough. I want to settle this once and for all. "I'm doing this for your own good Gilbert. Can't you see that I'm not the problem here? You are not angry with me you are angry with your uncle." His eyes widen in shock and he slaps me again.

"How dare you say something like that? Who are you to judge Augu?"

"I'm not judging him, I'm just telling you the truth but if you can't realize yourself what's going on then you deserve to suffer." I didn't mean to say that Gilbert, I'm sorry. I don't want you to suffer, I don't want you to cry but you are the only one who can put an end to this pain… only you. I can be there for you and I will but I can't do anything in your place.

He doesn't come down for dinner. I wander if he's alright but I don't think I should go talk to him now. Maybe I should just let him be for the time being and I'm sure he'll feel better by tomorrow.

After changing in my night shirt I get in bed and start reading but after a while the door to my room opens and Gilbert comes in crying.

"Gilbert what happened?" He throws himself in my arms and rests his head on my shoulder. I hold him like I did once before and listen to his sobs.

What could have happened to him? What made him come in my room naked and crying after he told me to leave the house?

"Can I stay with you tonight?" he asks softly.

I remember the first night I spent in his room, it was a total fiasco. The entire school found out in less then an hour that I spent the night in Gilbert's room and made up stories about some inexistent relationship between us. It helped Gilbert however. Not being alone meant a lot to him that night.

"Yes, but only if you get dressed." He quietly leaves the room and a few minutes later reappears with a night shirt on.

We both get in bed and lie down facing each other and I wander why he doesn't put his arms around my neck like he did the first time. I miss that feeling of closeness and the warmth of his body, his warm breath against my neck and the smell of flowers.

"Hold me…" he whispers and I gladly do as he says "…tighter…"