I'm so sorry this update took so long. I'm trying to write faster but I just can't churn out anything decent while preoccupied with work. Things are really getting hectic at the hospital right now.
This one's shorter but I think adding more to it would just drag it out. :) Tell me what you think of this new chapter! :)
Emily's POV
I open my eyes and stare up at my ceiling. My eyes are still heavy but I can't go back to sleep. My mind is restless. It always is when I wake up with Paige on my mind. That usually means I slept thinking of her, yet again. I can feel something fluffy against my arm and I turn my head to the side to see what it is. It's the stuffed shark I bought yesterday. I quickly send Sadie a text message, thanking her and telling her I'll be dropping by later. I bring the shark closer to me and bury my face in its soft belly. I can hear Paige saying, I'm 100% Shark!, over and over in my head. It's her favourite thing to say when she feels threatened by a rival which is, I must say, not very often. I close my eyes and try to drift back to sleep before my emotions get ahead of me.
"Okay, girls. We're having a little race to settle who anchors for the upcoming meet." Coach Fulton announces to the swim team. Paige and I are at opposite sides of the pool. Everyone knows we both want to anchor. What they don't know is I'd give it all up for Paige if she asks me to, not that she can't win this race. I'm faster than she is but she's stronger with more powerful limbs and more stamina. I'd give it all up for Paige because I know there's no chance she would ask me to do such a thing. She's a proud person and she believes in working for her achievements. I guess something about that makes me want to give her everything she could ever want. We give each other a knowing smile.
"Fields! McCullers! On the platforms! You know the drill." We both jump a little at Coach Fulton's command. The rest of the team wait by the poolside, placing imaginary bets on each of us.
As we step up on the platforms and bend down into the diving position, we both look at each other one last time. With goggles on, I can barely see her eyes and whatever's behind them. "This one's mine, Fields!" She shouts before looking straight ahead. I roll my eyes with a smirk. It's nice to know some things haven't changed, in spite our feelings for each other. Competitive Paige is so hot.
We both hear the horn and dive into the pool at exactly the same time. We swim together a lot, enough to be in perfect sync with each other. I can hear her legs kicking through the water and her arms gracefully breaking through the surface. We reach the other end of the pool and do a flip turn, still in flawless timing. Halfway back to the other side, I sense her lagging behind. I slow down a bit, worried she hurt herself. I catch glimpses of her in between my strokes, checking to see if something's wrong. She doesn't seem to be in pain but her movements have become mechanical, almost like she's thinking too much about swimming. By the time I realize what she's doing, the wall is within my reach. I win. She finishes her lap as I get out of the pool. Everyone claps and huddles towards me, giving their congratulations.
"For a while there, I thought you guys were doing synchronized swimming. That wasn't your best, McCullers. Congratulations, Fields!" Coach gives me a pat on the back. Before anyone else could react, Paige pushes through the team, pulls me close and kisses me on the lips with such passion, I'd definitely fall if she wasn't holding me.
"I told you THIS one's mine." She smiles into my lips, hugging me tighter as she said the word 'this'.
"Are you making up for letting me win?" I raise my eyebrow, trying to hide my blush. Instead of answering my question, she kisses me again. Our teammates are cheering, no doubt shocked and happy for us at the same time. Some of them are staring at us wide eyed but with a hint of a smile on their lips.
"How about that? Our 2 best swimmers finally decided to settle their differences and start playing for the same team." Coach Fulton chuckles. "Not to suck out the romance, ladies, but please do that in your own time." She winks at us before herding us all towards the pool for our last set of laps.
I sigh into the shark's fur as my mind plays back the first time Paige kissed me in public, basically announcing to everyone that we were a couple, in front of people we actually knew and cared about. It was such a bold move, even for her who had just come out at that time that until now, just thinking about it turns me on. Paige, you're torturing me again. I look at the time and choose to go on my work out a little bit early. It'll help take my mind off things, especially off this frustration I've been feeling. I must admit, I'm not a very sexual person. Sexual, that's Hanna. Or Sadie. Me? I'm just sweet. Paige used to say that with my figure and my sex appeal, it's kind of impossible not to be sexual. And I used to tell her she's biased. Like I said, I'm not very sexual. Paige just brings something out in me, something carnal and emotive at the same time. Something I haven't felt for anybody else so far.
I'm almost out the door when my phone rings.
"What's up, Dee?" I greet Sadie before heading out for my run.
"Hi Fields. Nothing, nothing's up." She sounds like she's crying. Something's wrong.
"Are you okay? You sound like you're crying." I pause. She doesn't say anything. "Dee? What happened? Do you need me to go there sooner?" Sadie only ever cries when she's in real pain and her pain threshold is really high. The only time I've seen her cry over something not involving physical pain was the on the first day we met. She was crying over her ex-girlfriend. I have the feeling this is about her as well.
"No, no. It's okay. It's just.. She's here, Em, SHE'S here, sitting at a table in my café, drinking a cappuccino." She says in a panic.
"I'm assuming this SHE is your ex. What is she doing there?! How dare she waltz into Café Diem like she didn't break your heart?! I'm coming over right now to give her a piece of my mind!" I reel back with surprise at the anger I'm currently feeling. Why do I feel like her ex-girlfriend, whoever she is, is stepping into my territory?
"Woah woah! Hold your horses, Sergeant Fields. As much as I want to see your pretty face, you can come over later as planned. I already handled it. She caught me off guard, that's all." She says, her voice soft.
"Are you sure?" I ask.
"Yes. I just thought I'd be better, you know? About all this. I'm not. She broke my heart so badly that until now, I'm still heart broken. And the first time I see her after 2 years, all I could think of is how beautiful she is. With her sweaty light brown hair tied in a ponytail, her flawless skin, her sweet smile that make the sides of her eyes crinkle just a little bit. I feel like a masochist." She groans into the phone.
"You're not a masochist, Sadie. You just haven't gotten over her yet. I know the feeling." I convey as much empathy as I can into the phone line. I really do know how she feels. If Paige suddenly walks into my life after years of minding her own business, I'd freak out even more than Sadie is freaking out now. Of course, that also entails her coming back from the dead. "Wait! Did you say sweaty?" Why in the world would you be sweaty for your first meeting with your ex-girlfriend?
"She came here after her morning run, I guess. She's still in her workout clothes which not surprisingly, still looks good on her. Take your gun out and kill me now, Sergeant Fields." Sadie is obviously in anguish. No doubt, sex memories are flashing in her mind right now.
"Don't worry, Dee. I'll come right over, also sweaty and in my workout clothes. You can pretend we're together and make her jealous with your girlfriend's sweaty and sexy body." I say seductively into my phone.
"Really tempting, Em. I have no doubt you can pull that off but pretending to have a girlfriend just to make her jealous is so high school, don't you think?" She teases.
"Yeah, well, she turned your proposal down. I know you well enough to know you're not the problem. So most likely, she is. Maybe her maturity level isn't at par with her age?" I hope Sadie doesn't realize that I honestly feel her ex is competition.
"Wow, look at you! You're a sergeant, Sergeant, not a detective! It's not like that, okay? I don't know why she said no. It can be me. It can be anything. Frankly, I don't want to know. I just want her to leave so I can go back to hating her and moving on." She exclaims, sounding like she's feeling better.
"Maybe she left already. Hiding out in your back room isn't really such a great move either, Dee." I giggle.
"I'm not hiding out! I'm not in the back room." She says defensively.
"Sure. I suppose she can see and hear you talking about her on the phone then. I'm not a detective but it doesn't take one to know you're not in plain sight, Sadie. And where else can you hide in your café? You're not Thumbelina. You're not small enough to hide behind the plants." I snicker into the phone, trying to keep my laughter down.
"Okay, fine. I'm in the back room. Which I have to leave now because I've been in here way too long. People might think I'm drowning in coffee beans. Bye, Fields. Thanks. I knew hearing your voice could brighten up my otherwise hell of a day." Sadie's flirting lets me know that she's at least back to her normal self for the time being.
"Flirting already, I see. Hang in there, Dee. See you later." I end the call and start my run.
As I pound my feet into the pavement, my mind is free of everything save the music coming from my iPod. Near the end of my run, Pink's "It's All Your Fault" blasts into my ears. I stop for a while, confused. I purposely left out any Pink song from my workout playlist because it reminds me too much of Paige. Ever since that first date, Pink has been a constant in our relationship.
It's all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out and now I can't turn back. I hold my breath 'cause you were perfect. But I'm running out of air and it's not fair. She did call me beautiful and she was perfect. Yes, I'm running out of air, literally and figuratively. And yes, it's unfair. I pull my ear buds out of my ears and turn my iPod off. I feel like I'm suffocating.
I bend over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I close my eyes for a moment, smelling vanilla in the air. How apt. The song reminds me of Paige and now something smells like her too. Someone bumps into me before I realize that I'm just standing there in the middle of the sidewalk.
"Sorry!" She mutters hurriedly. The vanilla scent has gotten stronger but it's her voice that causes my eyes to instantly pop open. Even after 4 years, I would know that voice anywhere. She sounds just like Paige. I look around frantically to catch a glimpse of the girl but the New York crowd has already swallowed her whole. I take a few running steps but I find myself unable to continue my run.
For a second there, I let myself forget that she's gone. I let myself hope that maybe, some weird circumstance had us all fooled and she's not dead after all. The realization that I was wrong to feel a small glimmer of hope, though it lasted only an instant, almost sends me buckling to my knees. I see a telephone booth and lean against it, tears pooling in my eyes. How can I be so irrational? I know she's gone. I've lived without her for 4 years and still, I refuse to stop believing that one day, she'll just come back into my life. Why is that? I've had more than my fair share of dead ex-girlfriends. I'm practically a veteran. Technically, Alison wasn't an ex-girlfriend but I did love her. I lost Maya too. Then 4 years ago, Paige. This isn't something new. So why is it so damn hard to let go? Why, Paige?
I wipe my tears and slowly start walking towards Café Diem. Maybe seeing Sadie can help lift up my mood. Remembering Sadie and her current problem with her ex, I begin to wonder. If Paige was alive, would we be married to each other by now? She would most probably do the proposing. Somewhere near the water like the beach just because she knows how much I love it there. Before she'd ask the question, she'd go on and on about a life together that she'd already planned out because that's how she is. She always had a picture of our future in her head, all the way up to when we're old and wrinkly and grey. I love that about her. She gave me direction and something to work towards, especially back in high school when I just woke up with the sole purpose of surviving the day without any trouble from A.
I reach Café Diem after 10 minutes instead of 5, thanks to my rather slow pace. Sadie is sitting on one of her tables, holding a coffee pot in her hand and staring at the floor. I guess I'm too late. I shake off the melancholy that's gotten over me and smile. Sadie doesn't need to hear about my problems right now. I walk up to her.
"I'm guessing she already left and things didn't go well?" I squeeze her shoulder gently, offering my sympathy.
"She sat on this very chair, drinking her cappuccino with mint and cinnamon, told me I made great coffee when I gave her a refill, thanked me and walked away. She is torturing me. She is doing this on purpose. She wants me to get angry and I gave her what she wanted! I am so stupid, Emily." Sadie lost me when she mentioned cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. Paige is the only person I know who orders that. Is that a new craze right now? I used to think it's such a weird combination. I am consumed in thoughts of her that I only get parts of Sadie's rambling.
"Dee.." I pull her up for a hug, buying me some time to digest everything she just said. "I can stay here for the rest of the day if you want. Keep you company. Make you coffee and help you serve customers? I make a mean cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. I used to make it for my ex all the time back in high school when I worked at The Brew." I offer. Sadie's ex piques my curiosity that I suddenly want to meet her. From the stories I've heard about her so far, she could be Paige's twin, except what they are identically alike in personality instead of physical appearance.
"Serving THAT means she's back, Em. And I don't want her to come back. I'd rather you not serve anything. How about just staying here and hugging me?" She gives me a cute pout. I kind of forgot that my arms are still around Sadie. I'm so lost right now and it's all McCullers's fault. I can't concentrate on Sadie and have Paige on my mind at the same time. I know I will eventually have to choose between the 2 at some point. If I actually want my life to go somewhere, I know who I should choose.
"Your customers might throw their cups at me because I'm keeping them from their favourite barista. I'm sure you don't want to serve coffee in bowls instead." I kiss the top of Sadie's head before pulling away.
"I'm sure they'll understand once everyone sees how gorgeous you are. Hey, I thought you're coming here post-workout. You do that in white chucks?" She kicks my shoes. I completely forgot to change out of my sneakers and into my rubber shoes. I should keep better track of my workout attire if I want to avoid torn tendons and broken bones.
"Maybe I do. I can work out in heels if I wanted to." I say smugly. Nice recovery, Em. I tried dancing in heels once, a birthday gift for Paige. She went ballistic.
"Sergeant Fields working out in heels. I'd LOVE to see that." Sadie looks at me with eyes wide open. I glare at her in a teasing manner, laughing at the same time.
"I bet you would." I take a seat at the table and order lunch. We share stories between bites of Café Diem's Shrimp Penne. We laugh at each other, joke around, and make plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow. I almost tell her about my run-in with fake Paige a while ago. I stop myself, not wanting to ruin the conversation with another one of my emotional breakdowns. I'm amazed Sadie isn't sick and tired of hearing all about my huge 4 year hangover.
"Thanks for lunch, Sadie. Are you sure you're okay here on your own?" I stand up, not really wanting to leave but knowing I need to go home, grab the stuffed walrus and try to catch the post office before it closes.
"Yes. I've already wasted enough of your day. If worse comes to worst, I always have the back room to hide in. If she refuses to leave, there's bags of coffee beans and raw materials there I can chew on." She says with a quiver in her voice. I think she's actually worried her ex might come back.
"I'm just a phone call away, okay? You save me from my broken heart all the time. Let me do the saving for once." I assure her, squeezing her hand to show her I really mean it. In a way, Sadie's like Paige too, always ready to come to my rescue. I walk home, still thinking of Sadie, her ex, Paige, and fake Paige.
When I get home, I just grab the plastic bag in a hurry, unknowingly grabbing the wrong end. The stuffed walrus and a pink post-it fly out. I quickly grab the walrus, place it back in the bag, and jog to the post-office. I'll deal with the post-it later when I get back. While waiting in line, I text my friends to inform them of tomorrow's get together.
"Hey guys! Are you all up for dinner with Sadie tomorrow night? She's dying to see everyone again. Bring the boys too." I sound happy. That's good. I instantly receive replies from the girls.
"Sure! Toby's been pestering me about visiting you. It's sweet really, but honestly, the boy's getting on my nerves. I need my boyfriend back, Emily." I laugh at Spencer's text. I miss Toby. Out of all the guys, he's the one I connect most with. It's probably because I was the first to trust him out of everyone. Not to mention the thing we had going on for a while.
"Oh my god, Em! I was just about to ask you about having dinner with Sadie! How much fun would that be? All the liars and their hot girl/boyfriends! Sadie can be your hottie! *wink wink* See you tomorrow!" Crap. I temporarily forgot how crazy Han can be. I make a mental note to rally the forces of Sparia to keep her in check tomorrow.
"Great! We're going to an open mic night in a poetry club near the area. Some of Ezra's students are reading their pieces so his attendance is a must. We'll meet you for dinner afterwards. We miss you." So Aria and Ezra. They feel like an old married couple, both reading books on their couch on a rainy day. Ezra is reading a classic while he drinks coffee and Aria is spread out on the couch, her head on Ezra's lap, as she reads something contemporary. That's my default picture of the 2 of them. Only they can pull off cute and boring at the same time.
When it's my turn, I go through the motions like a robot. I suddenly feel weary. This happens a lot during my slump. One minute, I'm all happy and perky then the next, I just want to do nothing but wallow. Right now, I want to go home and lie down on my bed with McShark. Yeah, I named him. McShark because he reminds me so much of McCullers. I'm pathetic, I know. How is it possible that my mind somehow manages to connect every thought to Paige? It's like my brain doesn't want me to forget. Or is it just because I've thought of her so many times that my brain is so practiced in using the same connections it used before, like it's developed a predilection to those neural pathways?
Before I know it, I'm back in my apartment, stepping on the pink post-it. I crumple it and throw it into the trash can, too lazy to actually take the few steps necessary to reach it. It misses, hits the rim, and bounces back towards me. I exhale, accepting defeat. I pick the post-it up and place it on the counter. What if this is really something important? Looking at it won't do any harm. I open it, taking great effort in not ripping any of the sticky corners. When I do get to open it, I gasp in shock. The post-it falls to the floor. I close my eyes for a moment and pick it up, trembling.
To the girl of my dreams,
Thank you for making me feel like this, so conflicted and peaceful at the same time. I haven't met you yet and here you are, already consuming me. I don't know how you'll feel about me when we finally meet each other. I don't know if you'll like me as much as you do in my sleep. But no matter what happens thereon after, I'm sure meeting you will change my life. I can't wait.
The handwriting is all too familiar. It can't be. I rush to my room, rummaging through her box, looking for anything with her handwriting on it. I compare the post-it to the first note she ever wrote me, the one she left in my locker informing me to go to a certain address. As it turns out, that address would end up being a staple in our relationship.
The long tail of the e's, the big curve of the letter p, the unevenness yet uniformity of the writing.. This is all her. I turn the post-it over, searching for a name, a scent, a cappuccino stain, anything really. Anything that can tie this letter to her. There is nothing. What did I expect? I place the post it and Paige's note back in the box. I don't know for sure who wrote that. Obviously, it was someone else who has the exact same writing. But I somehow feel that the post-it belongs in the box, with all the other things that remind me of her.
I try to hide my disappointment but I can't. I'm too frustrated with myself, with today, with all the fake Paiges I've been getting. I grab her box and throw it to the other side of my room. I hear the loud thud as it hits the wall, taking the replacement of what was supposed to be my bellow of agony. In all the years since she's been gone, I have never emptied this box of its contents. I have never looked at each and every item, afraid that I will drown in my pain if I so much as gaze at them all in one go. Now I see everything scattered on my floor, the box and its cover on opposite sides of the room. I let out a guttural sound as I realize what I've done. I desperately pick each item up, collecting them in my oversized shirt, and dumping them all onto my bed. I don't know what I'd do if anything ended up broken.
I lie down and place each item around me, surrounding myself with as much memories of her as I can. I finger a blue, yellow, and pink bracelet made out of pony beads. She made this for me out of boredom when she promised her 6 year old niece she'd take her to a bracelet-making class. Blue for the pool, pink for you, yellow for me. That's us in a bracelet. Not so romantic, I know. It's really the best I can do with pony beads, Em. You don't have to wear it. I know it's ugly and.. I kissed her before she could say anything else. I wear the bracelet on my wrist, glad to have her so close to me.
My left foot touches a bottle of perfume she gave me before she left for Stanford. It was a new bottle of the one she uses. When you miss me, don't go looking for a substitute. Smell this instead. And no, you're not allowed to spray it on someone else. You'll miss me but always remember that I'll miss you more. You know, I love you, right? I can still see her smirking at me, trying to hide the sadness in her eyes. You didn't fool me, baby. Besides, who misses who now? I spray some on McShark and hug him close.
I shift my body a bit and my right knee bumps into a pizza box cover. I smile through my tears. I got this just a few weeks before graduation. Paige and I were already established by then and my parents and friends have accepted her as someone who was in it for the long run.
"Paige, sorry I can't make it tonight. I'm incredibly sore all over." I send her a text message.
"What happened? Where's A? What did he/she/they do? Do I have to get my dad's gun out?" She replies quickly. She's so paranoid and I can't really blame her. Every bad thing that happens to me, Paige thinks it's A. In a way, she's right. Most of it IS because of A but not this time.
"It's not A. Joan just found out that Matt was cheating on her with a girl from another school. I saw her crying in the library bathroom and she told me what happened. She was so mad. She was planning on planting a positive pregnancy test in his locker to scare him." I try to text as quickly as possible but even my fingers are sore from all the clenching I did during the boxing session.
"And you just had to be your typical nice self. Oh god, Emy, what did you do?" I can sense the worry in her reply.
"Nothing much. I just sort of suggested for her to try boxing instead. Before I knew it, I was in the boxing ring with her. I forgot how much anger can improve one's aim and how much it can pack a punch. Even my fingers hurt. I'm sorry I had to cancel. I'll make it up to you next time."
"Well, you can't just leave Joan with her crazy solutions, right? Besides, where will she get a fake baby? It's okay, Em. Maybe you should rest already?" I don't want to stop texting her but I do need to rest.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Night, baby." I text her one last time and go down stairs. I miss her already. I wish she could come over but I know she has other things to do.
My mom ordered a pizza and I'm sitting in the living room waiting for it to arrive. When the doorbell rings, I cautiously open the door, careful not to move so quickly. A girl in a hoodie is standing there wearing a cap so low, I can't even see her face. I give her the payment and get the box. I say a quick thank you and close the door.
"Baby, read the box!" She suddenly holds her hand out against the door, stopping it from closing. I look down at the cover, annoyed at this random stranger calling me baby, and see a note written on it. "Can I come in?", it says.
"Not a chance. I have a girlfriend already and you're not it." I reply, in a mean girl kind of way. I attempt to close the door again but she refuses to move her hand.
"Are you so sure about that? How about we bet your girlfriend's life on it?" She says smugly. I'm so out of it that I don't even recognize her handwriting or her voice. I am sick and tired of this person's games. What she just said hit a nerve. If she only knew how close Paige had come to getting herself killed. She must have noticed the change in my expression because she immediately removes her cap and her hoodie. It's her. "Baby, it's okay. It's me. It's okay. Breathe, relax, I'm here. You're safe. I'm safe." I exhale in relief, letting my tears fall. She pulls me close and hugs me.
"I'm sorry. That was a really bad joke." She whispers in my ear, as she strokes the top of my head.
"Yeah, it was." That was all I could say. She leaves my side for a moment to give my mom a quick hug before she whisks me off to my room.
While we were texting, she was also texting my mom, planning this whole thing. She sat on my bed, her back to the head board and I sat between her legs, my back to her chest. We ate pizza that way and it was the best pizza I've ever tasted. She gave me a massage that night before I slept in her arms. I haven't had that peaceful a night since.
My eyes feel like heavy boulders now. I move once more and I feel my pillow, soaked with my tears. I want to look at one last thing before the sandman pulls me into his territory. I reach at the top of my head where my fingers wrap around a framed cartoon picture of 2 old women, sitting on a patch of grass. One of them was painting over a sign that read "Keep off the grass", changing the sentence to "Keep on the grass", while the other one looked on in approval. This was waiting for me at my dorm room once I got back from one of our vacations. We both went home to Rosewood for Christmas and had a late 3rd anniversary celebration. She had mailed it before she left California, knowing I'd get it after I came back, a little post-celebratory surprise. This came with a letter which read:
You will always be the one I'd want to have my adventures with. Whether I'm in Stanford or in Rosewood, my home is wherever you are. I will always look forward to talking to you at the end of the day. I will always feel excited on my way home to Rosewood at the thought of being able to see you and hold you. After all this time, you still give me butterflies. 3 years in, I doubt these butterflies will ever go away. I can only hope you also feel the same way. Emily Catherine Fields, you are the love of my life, my soul mate, my everything. You are my one and only happiness. How about we make all our dreams come true after we graduate? Not just in conversations but for real this time? In front of my family, your family, our friends. In front of the whole world. What do you say?
I remember calling her right after I read her letter, tears in my eyes. Too speechless and in awe of this amazing woman, all I could say was yes. My mind goes back to the question I asked myself this morning: If Paige was alive, would we be married to each other by now? I know my answer now. We would be, definitely. Her proposal was simple. She didn't want me to feel pressured into giving an answer and she probably also thought I would want time to think. So she did it this way. I had no doubt then that a more concrete proposal would happen, one where we were actually both present. But I would have no qualms if this was it. To me, it was perfect.
I want to keep browsing through the remnants of our relationship but I can no longer keep my eyes open. It's okay. Maybe you should rest already? Her words run involuntarily through my head. I decide to embrace sleep for now following her advice. The last thing I see are my own tears and the last thing I hear are my own sobs, knowing that this is the closest I can ever get to having her back in my life.