Breathe Me –Sia-
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
"Honey, honey! Shhh, shhhh, calm down…" warm thumbs softly brushed away the frightened tears from my soaked cheeks.
"It's ok" I heard him whisper over and over again in the most soothing way he could mustard, but behind his calm tone, hints of worry and pain managed to break through.
My eyes continued shut, afraid that if I'd open them, the scenes from the nightmare would materialize.
Slowly, the shouts of the angry mob outside the door were drown away by the raindrops that continuously fell on the rooftop above us; the threatening growls in the woods were easily forgotten as my heart recognized and responded to the husky voice of the guardian angel that kept telling me that all was well.
"Come here" I felt myself carefully being pulled from under the covers; a pair of mild arms wrapped themselves tightly around my shaking frame, securing me there. I trembled once I made contact with his skin.
"Your hands are freezing" he gasped lowly whilst rubbing them between his, which were incredibly warm.
It took me a few more seconds to realize that I was awake and… safe.
"Jake…" I breathed his name in relief, hugging myself to him as if my dear life depended on it; my forehead rested against the hollow of his neck, the tip of my nose touched the smooth exposed skin there. He sighed and squeezed me even tighter.
I took a deep breath, trying to control the sobbing that still had me shaking while more tears continued to rain down, wetting his shirt. In the first breath I took in his scent. It was rather comforting; I found myself needing more of it within seconds.
A wave of calm slowly spread over my exhausted soul after each breath I inhaled.
He continued to hold me without saying a word; both of us just waiting for my breathing and body temperature to return to normal. The throbbing inside my chest was barely noticeable, instead, the rhythm of my heartbeat became slow, calm… and in some way, it sounded a bit pleased.
It was amazing how Jacob brought me such ease and comfort during these horrible moments, no matter how dark they were and how frightened I felt.
He's indeed my guardian angel. A break of a smile began to pull at the corners of my lips as I allowed myself to think that. Shyly I looked up at him but my heart stopped for a moment as I took in his expression.
"That was even worse than the last one" he whispered mostly to himself as if lost in thought. I saw his forehead creased, the sound of his voice became pained.
The thin layer of comfort surrounding me was shattered into pieces as I drank in his words; I abruptly pushed myself away from his chest, my eyes wide in horror met the sorrow and the worry of his.
"Last one?" I struggled to find my voice and blinked rapidly, trying to focus.
He nodded once, his dark eyes penetrating mine for a second and then slowly traveling across the small room, falling on something on the floor. I instinctively did the same and quickly darted from one side to the other. A shot of fear mixed with shame rippled trough my stomach as I noticed the tool box that used to be on top of his bookshelf was viciously trashed across the floor amongst other objects like books and his PC. I grimaced at the sight.
A big dent on the opposite wall next to the door frame made me swallow hard. My eyes went wide fright when they fell on the object that provoked it.
"The wrench shot directly at me" he said gravely and continued to stare at the wall "It missed by an inch" he winced at his words and I gasped loudly, feeling the air being punched out of my stomach in a painful way.
NO! I shook my head in denial. How could I?
I froze for several seconds until a voice inside my head screeched at the top of it's lungs I shot that damn thing straight at Jacob!!! - I clenched my teeth to stop me from screaming- I could have seriously injured him!!!
What if it'd…! I didn't allow myself to even think of finishing the thought. My hands flew to my face in desperation, nails digging in the flesh as hard as they could.
"Hey, hey! Stop that" his fingers were on mine before I could injure my self badly.
"What the hell...?" I couldn't breathe "What am I do…-?" my chest began to burn again while I choked in my own repulsion. He continued to hold both of my hands in his, avoiding them to fly back to my face.
"What's-what's WRONG with me?" I trashed back and forth in Jake's embrace, trying to break free. I wanted to get as far away as possible before I could hurt him again; but his russet arms turned into iron once he understood what I was trying to do.
"Let me go Jacob…" I pleaded between furious tears, my fingers trying desperately to free themselves from his, but I knew that it was rather weak and hopeless. Still, I had to try.
"No" he whispered softly against my hair.
"Let me go!" my voice shook desperately and I continue with the trashing.
"No"
I hadn't noticed that I was completely nestled up on his lap; his forehead pressed gently against my temple, his mouth was so near my skin, that every one of his breaths tickled my cheek and made me shake.
He was so close.
I shivered at this discovery, instinctively wetting my lips.
"Jake pl-" I half tilted my face on the side, trying to meet his gaze, but my protest was caught up in mid sentence.
"It's alright" His lips accidentally brushed against the skin between my jaw and my ear making my toes curl up and my cheeks and lips begin to prickle. An unwilling low gasp burst free as the exquisite feeling took me by surprise.
"Please…" I whimpered, my eyes shutting tightly, savoring the new sensation of having him this near whilst wishing he would just let me go.
"Listen to me" he breathed against my ear, my eyes rolling to the back of my head "No matter what it is… I'm here, always"
He kissed the top of my head and rested his chin there, his fingers playing with mine.
While sobbing in silence, I swooned against his frame and gave up the struggle, my hands becoming limp between his.
God, I want to believe you! I want to believe you so badly…
"Jake, you don't understand" I spoke against the fabric of his shirt, stealing another breath infused by his aroma. It was making me dizzy, but I couldn't help it, I was already a junkie to it.I licked my bottom lip again, savoring his breath..
Heaving a deep sigh, he slowly placed his thumb under my chin; with an unhurried-delicate movement Jake made me look up at him; my cheeks were flushed before I met his beautiful eyes.
"No matter what you tell me…" his gaze was scorching "I'm not leaving you" a small smile lit up his lips. My brows pulled together in disbelief and confusion to his words; he sounded so sure of what he spoke.
"Never" he emphasized the word looking straight at my eyes, piercing them. There was so much devotion in his declaration that it made my soul want to cry.
I couldn't take it, I didn't deserve this extraordinary creature. Not after what he'd seen, what I'd almost done to him. I was an aberration, a threat to all around me…
I was dangerous!
My jaw clenched tightly as it all sunk in; the crease in my forehead became prominent as desperation took over me.
He hunched a little, trying to find my eyes when I looked away.
"Hey" he said softly "You have to learn to trust me, Kristen" there was a plea in his dark eyes. My chest began to burn in reaction to his words, there was so much hurt and grief in them that it was making it unbearable to me.
"I trust you" it rushed out in a desperate whisper. It surprised me how much my hands ached to touch his face and smooth away the worry in it, to comfort him the way he was comforting me but, I just couldn't make myself move.
He came even closer and the static began to pull me in like a magnet towards him; my heartbeat picking up quickly.
"Then please…" his thumb kindly brushed a tear that traveled to the corner of my mouth "talk to me" his temperate breath begged whilst it saturated my senses.
I was under his haze.
I glanced through my lashes and noticed that his full lips were just inches away from mine; a huge struggle grew within me that was just to strong to ignore. I wanted so badly to close the gap between us and kiss them, but, insecurity filled my thoughts again allowing me to falter.
What if he didn't feel the same way? I cringed as fear crept up on me.
I can't. Not like this. You aren't good enough for him. I shook my head twice and pulled my face away from his reach; shame, confusion and guilt shadowed upon me; he closed his eyes once, a hint of sadness more than frustration shadowing upon his glorious face.
I sighed, and so did he.
There was nothing more I longed for than to be truly honest with Jake; I desperately needed to tell him everything: my fears, my thoughts, my nightmares, my feelings for him… EVERYTHING! But even I didn't fully comprehend what was happening to me. I was lost, scared, angry and frustrated.
I didnt know WHO I was or WHAT I was. I sighed heavily at my internal dilemma and he waited in silence, squeezing my hands every few seconds, easing off a little bit of the anxiety. Slowly, I began to make up my mind and decided that it was time for me to come clean with him.
So, after taking in several gulps of air, I tried to clear my head and thought hard on what I was going to say to Jacob. I was at the point where the truth was just easier… there was no use on me trying to cover anything up.
He had seen, he had heard and he had asked, promising to stay no matter what. The least I could do was to honest. I grimaced knowing that there was a slight probability he would decide to cut me out of his life after this.
Come on Kristen I whispered to myself internally whilst gathering as much courage I could mustard You wont find out if you don't try.
"I-I don't know how to control it" I blurted out in spite myself, breaking the silence; my eyes stayed glued to the floor avoiding the gaze I felt burning on the side of my face. "It just keeps slipping away…" my voice failed and suddenly I couldn't speak. It became quite hard to swallow, but i tried it anyways.
Jacob patiently waited, not pressuring me to continue at all; his temperate thumbs made slow, small circle patterns at the back of my hands, trying to soothe away my anxiety.
"I've noticed that somehow, it seems to be bonded with my emotions" my eyes fell on both of our hands "If my state of mind is calm, then, what ever this is, remains under control, but..." I shrugged, not completing the sentence.
With the corner of my eye, I saw him looking intently at me, his expression smooth. He didn't look like he was about to run for the door screaming out loud or anything, so I allowed myself to continue with my little confession.
"Hey, sometimes I even forget that it's there; but a girl can dream, can't she" I laughed humorless, leaving a bitter taste in my tongue. My fingers turned into claws in reaction to my words, but Jake smoothed them back in his palms again and kept them there. An empathic sigh left his lips; more of his scent managed to go through my pores, slowly intoxicating me.
"The edge to my temper has been dangling by a thread lately…" I swallowed a sob, cracking my voice "any spark of anger sets it off and then, there's no control over it. It just-" a shudder shook me at the thought and I instinctively looked back at him. My chest ached once I found the sorrow in his expression.
"It's alright" he whispered reassuringly against my ear, though his voce broke slightly towards the end.
No! It wasn't alright!! It has never been alright!!
"I lost it today Jake!!" I shook my head furiously, my eyes burned in shame while I locked gazes with him once more. I dont know what he saw in them, but his dark eyes widened once he met mine.
"I can easily find reasons or people to blame my outbursts on: the nightmares, today's date, idiots that cross my path…" Cullen. My own words made me sick to my stomach. "But the truth is…" I continued angrily "there's NO ONE to blame this on but ME" the words wounded me even deeper that I could manage.
"I don't believe-"
"Three people are hurt because of me, Jacob!" I snapped at him impatiently once he tried to disagree. Furious tears broke free again and I clenched my teeth.
"I could have seriously injured them if I hadn't been stopped by Cul-…" Jacob stiffened at my unfinished statement, I felt him tremble slightly under me. A shot of fear rippled through the pit of my stomach once I noticed what I'd almost said.
Damn it!
"You know what the worst part of it is?" I choked bitterly, trying to distract him from whatever he was thinking.
"I actually enjoyed it" I clenched my teeth as I spoke, finally making him look up at me. "Every single second of it" my voice shattered painfully.
I remembered the incredible rush I felt as I lifted Connor's limp body and smashed it at will against the wall several times like a worthless piece of cloth. The way anger ignited a lust for vengeance, for causing agony to all of those who have tried to hurt or control me. The pleasure of provoking fear in those who some how terrified me once. I simply craved to hurt them as much as the had hurt me; i wanted to hear them beg for mercy, to actually hear them weep...
What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of monster have I become?
His hardened face softened slightly as he continued to look at me for a few silent moments. His chest rose up as he took in a deep breath of air, steadying himself. Then swiftly released my hand and placed his thumb at the side of my cheek, caressing it delicately. His forehead made its way towards my temple again and he inhaled once more.
The image of Edward Cullen standing a couple of feet from me wavered inside my mind's eye for a second. The expression in his pale face as he ordered me to stop was branded in my memory. There was shock and disappointment in his voice, anger and worry in his eyes. My stomach began to stir as I remembered those seconds in his presence.
I wonder how long it will take him to…
Jacob shook his head to himself and pulled me out of my conflicted mind. I focused my gaze back at his face and noticed that his lips were in a thin line, his brows were still pulled together in concern, but there was no trace of anger lingered in his expression.
He closed in on me again and sighed.
"You could have told me" he whispered huskily against the skin of my neck, his hot breath made the small hairs on my back and arms stood up in a chill. I was immediately drawn into the haze of his voice, feeling myself swirl in it. The way he held me at this moment was the closest I've ever been to him before; his voice was so charged up with emotion that my breathing sped up and heat flooded my face.
Our position was so intense, so intimate, that it was driving me insane; the need, this sensation, was at the pit of my stomach, on the tip of my fingers and under my ribcage. On my lips, on my skin, on my tongue. Everywhere.
I was loosing my mind.
He couldn't possibly be…
"I was afraid you wouldn't…" my throat went dry "that you wouldn't want me" I choked on a sob.
His lips swiftly brush against the line of my neck as I tried to speak; my eyes rolled to the back of my head again, succumbing to the amazing feeling. But something made him stop.
"Kristen, could you please look at me?" for the first time, he sounded upset. I quickly popped my eyes open and shot my head up to see his face.
"Why on earth would you even think something like that? Don't you know me at all?" there was an edge of resentment and demand to his words.
"I'm a freak" I held my gaze, resentment mirroring his tone.
"NO, you are not. And I would never think that of you, ever" he said seriously, locking gazes with me. There was no trace of mockery at his statement.
I felt my face grimace.
"A pain in the ass… maybe" he squinted his eyes playfully at me, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips again "but definitively not a freak" he chuckled softly, making my mouth twitch a bit in spite of myself.
Leave it to Jacob to always find the right words to make me smile through the tears.
"And you are wrong…" he tilted his head slightly to the side, his eyes softening. One of his fingers slowly brushed a lock away from my brow, refastening behind my right ear. "I will always want you, no matter what you are or what you do…" a breathtaking smile warmly spread across his beautiful features.
My tense posture relaxed completely as I took a relieved breath of fresh air, filling my wounded lungs and mending them immediately. I felt myself loose a hundred pounds of hatred-weight off my back at Jacob's sincere words.
He wants me… no matter what.
He will always want me! I was so happy that my heart swelled up and I could practically scream out of joy. He held my gaze for a few moments, the intensity in his eyes was told me that he fiercely meant every single word.
"I don't deserve you…" I instinctively leaned towards him, pressing my forehead to his. His skin was warm, really really warm.
"Well, I give you that" he sighed lowly, the tip of his nose nuzzled sweetly against mine. "You deserve much better…" he whispered for only me to hear; my eyes lingering in his bottom lip as he spoke.
"But I want you…" the fierce words rushed breathlessly out of my mouth before I could stop them; the instant boldness caught me by surprise as well as it did him, making both of us freeze in place.
Jacob trembled under me and sucked in a short breath of air, making me instantly cringed at what I'd said; my cheeks blushed crimson red and squeezed my eyes shut. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to bury myself six feet under and just die.
What the hell are you thinking!?!?!? How could you-…!?!?
But before I continued scowling at myself, I heard Jacob whispered something unintelligible under his breath. The way he pronounced these words in native tongue made my knees weak and all my body felt mushy and warm; I swallowed compulsively as I reminded myself to breathe. My lids shyly opened in spite of the effort to keep them close, meeting Jacob's dark eyes blazing back at me. The intensity of his gaze was so overwhelming that my heart was now thundering violently against my ribcage.
There was a longing question that burned behind those beautiful brown eyes of his; a question that neither one of us was brave enough to articulate out loud.
Yes. I answered him in silence, watching his chest rise and fall in an elaborated way; then suddenly, he held his breath. My face flushed again, even hotter this time, it was somehow combined with the heat radiating from Jake' form close to me. Millions of butterflies invaded my stomach in awareness of what might happen next.
Slowly, too slowly, he skimmed his nose swiftly across the burning skin of my cheek, my eyes fluttering shut in delicious agony that I welcomed with opened arms. With the same laziness, he continued to travel over my eyelid, then to my eyebrow, down the bridge of my nose and finally stopping at the hollow between the tip of my nose and the beginning of my upper lip. I compulsively licked my lips again, pleading to accidentally touch his.
The skin of his lips was less than a few millimeters away from mine; the closeness had me beyond reason. His chest rose erratically against my shoulder and his Adam's apple bobbed intensely as he swallowed hard. I merely lost it when he licked his bottom lip and slightly made contact with mine.
Please… my lips trembled, craving to feel his on mine.
Our jagged breaths blended into one in as they got amidst in this pure, blissful agony that was quickly consuming us. Then, none of us moved; the entire Earth had stopped and everything around us: time, space, air... froze.
His lips carefully brushed against mine once, and it came clear for both of us that we had just crossed the boundary of friendship. A jolt of electricity shook my frame violently when I heard him moan softly at the contact.
Jake's lips were extremely soft, warm and really careful; they felt impossibly delicious against mine. A low gasp went through mine as he parted them slightly and kissed me fully on the mouth for the first time; my heart, my soul, my whole existence rejoiced at the amazing feeling that I simply didn't believe it was possible to experience.
He slowly kissed me a second time, molding to my lips, turning this almost foreign feeling into a vital need. But suddenly stopped; his breathing out of control and both of us trembled as we parted slightly.
"Kris…?" he whispered coarsely against my lips, hesitating. I could sense he was giving me a moment to decide whether I was sure I wanted this, that I wanted him or not. But my mind was made up before he even had a chance to doubt. I have never been so sure about something in my life. All I needed was HIM. I wanted HIM and ONLY HIM.
"It's ok" I breathed choking on a gasp that was full of need, of desire; my chest shook violently at the discovery of this new need; my heart went out of control at the intensity of the moment. And this time, it was I who pressed my lips against his, urgency all charged up in them. I heard him catch his breath, but didn't dare open my eyes to see his expression.I had the need to show him that I wanted him. He needed to know that there was no doubt in my mind.
Hesitantly, he brought his blazing fingertips to the side of my cheek, stroking it lightly, adding a sweeter touch to the moment. He pulled gently away from our kiss and looked me in the eye, begging one last time for reassurance. I nodded my head in a daze and he smiled, responding immediately to my answer and cupping my face in his enormous hand, his thumb lazily caressing my bottom lip.
He sighed pleased and kissed me again, his fingers trembling as they roamed at the nape of my neck, securing me there. His other hand stopped at the small of my back, both of them pulling me even closer to him, deepening the soft kiss that I welcomed anxiously. My hands reached out and rested at his chest, feeling his heart thud hard against my palm. I guessed he was as nervous as I was. Shyly, both my hands moved up to his broad shoulders that hardened at my touch; my fingers entwined through the locks of his hair and I couldn't resist the need to pull them lightly, causing him to gasp against my mouth.
I smiled. So did he, slowly pulling away to give a chance to catch our breaths.
"Jake" my voice came out strangled. "I can't believe we…"
"Neither can I…" Jake replied in an equally strangled voice. His eyes smoldered once he met mine; it felt as if he was looking at me for the first time. There was something different in them, i couldnt quite explain it correctly, but there was so much emotion and need. A beautiful smile that was plastered on his face melted me away.
GOD he was so breathtakingly beautiful.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to…"
"Not as much as I have" he teased and crashed his lips against mine a second later.
This time, his kiss turned less cautious. His blazing lips were fiery and urgent, but never forceful, always allowing me to savor each second of it. With out even thinking much of it, I parted my lips slightly as an invitation, teasing his bottom lip with mine. I was surprised by my own boldness, regretting my action a second later.
What if Jake didn't…?
But before I could even finish the thought, he smoothly slipped his tongue into my mouth and a soft moan escaped my lips involuntarily, followed by his own. I swayed in his embrace, falling completely at his mercy. I wasn't prepared for the rush of static and heat that flooded through my body violently; making my heart thunder deafeningly against my ears, and my frame shake erratically.
The exquisite sensation of his soft, warm tongue against mine was a thousand times more that I could bargain for. It was exhilarating; thousands of electrical waves irradiated through my pores, aching for more contact, for more of him. We broke apart for a short moment and I silently cursed my vital need for breathing. I felt my reckless teenage hormones take control over my impulses as I shifted my position and straddled his lap, placing my knees against the edge of the bed. Jacob's eyes grew wide with surprise at my bold gesture and I threw him a devilish smile.
My whole body touched his now, and that was exactly what I was looking for. The heat irradiating through his clothing made me flush even deeper. Suddenly, it was too hot for me; the thought of taking my shirt off crossed my mind for a second, but I thought better. Get a hold of yourself.
I placed my hands behind his neck closing in to him, my chest heaved violently against his, causing him to brush against the sensible areas of my skin, which almost made me faint. He took a deep, shuddering breath and pulled my lips to his again, a little more aggressively. I pushed my body hard against his this time and threw myself into the kiss. I hardly noticed that we both began moving a little against each other, readjusting ourselves and seeking even more contact. By this time, i wasnt even sure if I was alive or not. I just couldnt feel my heart anymore.
I moved once again against him and he let out a little groan that teared me up inside, making me feel like a whole different person. I liked it. I wondered how far I could push this little boundary as i let myself get carried away. Teasingly, I traced his bottom lip with my tongue and then placed it between my teeth and grazed against it, slowly increasing the intensity. But when Jacob gasped a second later, I thought I had bitten him way too hard; but suddenly my misty mind registered several unpleasant thuds around us and I abruptly pulled away. Then i felt Jake clutch me protectively against his chest whilst I saw through the gap between his arms, a pair of pliers shoot aggressively pass us, coming from his recently trashed tool box that lingered on the floor.
Im doing it again!
"Fuck" I cursed under my breath, embarrassed tears spilled angrily against the hollow of his neck. "I can't even… I mean, I..."
"Kristen" he called my name softly, but I shook my head and braced myself even closer to him.
"Kris" his hand was on my hair, stroking it sweetly. "Honey?"
"No" I began sobbing uncontrollably at this point.
"Kristen" he carefully placed both of his hands on either side of my face and pulled me gently to meet his gaze. I opened one eye and then the other and his expression stunned me; somehow I guess I expected to find annoyance or even exasperation in his features, but instead… there was so much commitment and adoration that it made my heart swell again.
He kissed me in the most sweetest, softest way I could never thought possible, his fingers twisted tenderly between my curls. I tasted my salty tears in his mouth as he continued to slowly showed me how much I meant to him. The tip of his tongue traced the outline of my lips before pulling away.
My head swam again and I had trouble breathing.
"We will figure something out" he pressed his forehead to mine "I promise you. We can do this. Together." he planted one last kiss on my swollen lips and cradled me back in his embrace.
I love you…
I breathed against his skin and felt my lids drop in the warmth of his hold. I let exhaustion seduce me into a deep sleep as I stayed protected in the hold of my guardian angel. In the arms of the love of my life.
Hey there everyone! I know that I promise I would upload this chapter like ages ago, but to be honest, I rewrote it so many times that I was literally thinking of forgetting about it altogether :S
But, after the hundredth time, I actually felt it was right… so, please tell me what you think!!! *pleads on knees* It took me forever to write this…
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! :) :D ;)
Oh, and btw… you should totally check out NeverAlone and Declaration both written by TheMasaltoff which are absolutely amazing *hearts ya Amysters*
MAKE A WRITER HAPPY--- REVIEW *hearts you big time for doing so*