CHAPTER 14

I got behind the wheel of my car, prepared for the massive amounts of ribbing I was sure to get from Alice and Jasper. I was met with silence.

Alice looked into my eyes as I found her in the rearview mirror. She felt sorry for me. Jasper stared out the side window and sang through cartoon theme songs in his mind. He knew how to throw up a brick wall, to prevent me from hearing more serious thoughts. I wondered what he might not want me to be hearing right then. As if he knew that I would be concerned, he turned his face towards mine and shook his head infinitesimally. He flashed his eyes towards Alice. Ah! It was something he didn't want her to hear. It would wait.

After I dropped them off at their apartment, I left my car in my garage and I went out for a run. I needed to stretch my muscles. The forest floor flew beneath my feet, and the wind pushed against my clothing and hair. I inhaled deeply, tasting the night and the life around me. This I understood. This I knew.

Changing direction to follow a scent more desirable than those of the smaller animals I had passed and left in their hiding spaces… I dropped my chin and let myself be ruled by my senses. I could hear the bear. I could smell him. I could taste him. Though not my favorite… and nowhere near as tempting a scent as the humans I denied myself everyday… he would do.

I slunk up behind the brute. I was in no mood to play. I was thirsty.

I dove into him, and I roughly bit through the fur and the muscles on the side of his neck, closing my eyes as the warm rush of its blood began to fill me. I drank until the creature collapsed beneath me, then shoved the depleted carcass away. I didn't want to get blood on my new jeans.

There in the darkness, I moved a small distance away and leapt to perch on a large rock. I kept my feet beneath me, as I crouched with my fingertips touching the cool stone below. I stayed that way for quite a while, scanning the moonlit scene before me and trying to find peace that usually came with this familiar ritual. Instead, I only felt alone.

The events of the evening weighed heavily on my mind. I was still amazed by my body's reaction to Bella. Any manly desires I had ever had while human had long been forgotten. I didn't expect that they would resurface now. And for a human girl?

Yes- her blood was the most intoxicating scent I had ever come across- a perfect match for my unholy design. But it seemed my body was confused about its needs. She could be my perfect match in only one way. Right?

Still, I had to admit… Right then, it was not her blood that I craved. It wasn't even her body, though I would have begged to differ earlier in the evening. It was her essence. Her indefinable- thing that made me feel a pull to be near her- even at this distance. Without conscious thought, I found myself running in her direction. I passed small animals. I passed another bear. I didn't need them.

I needed Bella.

Once in town, I stayed in the forest fringe and on back streets until I once again stood in front of her apartment building. This time, when I sensed that most of the occupants were asleep, I crept silently to the back of the structure.

Rows of windows adorned the building. I frowned for a moment. I wasn't sure which apartment was hers… or if any of the windows would lead me to what I was looking for. I considered scaling the wall- it wouldn't have been hard. Would a glance inside the darkened windows give me enough of a clue to find Bella's apartment? And would I be happy merely learning which was hers?

I knew the answer. No. I wouldn't be. It wouldn't be enough. Not tonight. Alice had as much as told me that I would do this. I felt like her vision gave me permission, in some sick way. Yet still I stood there, battling myself.

A strong winter wind blew up and around me. The force of elements brought my attention to a small flicker of motion in one of the second floor windows. It was the fluttering of a curtain, blowing outward with the wind. Someone who had left a window open, just a crack- during the winter. Someone who always ran hot.

Someone who might be in need of a personal air-conditioner.

My good intentions flew right out the window like the edge of that curtain. I was up the wall in two seconds, and peering through the darkness.

It was a bedroom. And yes. It was hers.

I inched the window up, and soundlessly entered the room. Instead of feeling repulsed by my own weakness, I felt immediate release of the tension and stress I had been feeling. Her nearness was the balm that I needed. I stayed by the window while I took my first wary breath.

Typical, glorious, beautiful burn. But nothing I couldn't handle. No flux of venom. No urge to feed. I smiled in the darkness and moved closer to her.

Bella lied on her stomach, with her cheek pressed against the pillow that her arms were folded beneath. Her legs were sprawled wide, and her light blanket was twisted to lie across the back of her thighs. I swallowed hard as I looked at the way her thin white tank top exposed her shoulders and lower back. The curves of her rear end were wrapped in dark blue cotton panties. I felt a little ashamed, staring at her the way I was. But oddly enough, my body was not behaving at all the way it had earlier. Just to make sure that my mind stayed on chaste matters, I reached and carefully lifted her blanket to cover her. She smiled a little in her sleep, and wiggled further into the comfort of her bed.

She didn't have a chair in her tiny room, and so I backed away and rested against the low top of her dresser. My mind was going a million directions as I slowly breathed in and out through my nose. Her scent was on everything in this room. I felt powerful in my control.

I wasn't sure how, or when it happened. But little by little, it was starting to make sense to me. My craving for her nearness, rather than the craving for her blood- newer desires replacing the old…

I had fallen in love with this woman who slept in front of me.

From her tangle of dark hair to the bare feet that already found their way out of the blanket in search for cooler air. I was in love with her. Had I always been in love with her?

I didn't know.

But now that I had the knowledge, what in the hell was I going to do with that?

I left the dresser, and walked back to the side of the bed. Lowering myself, I sat on the floor beside her. Her sleeping face was pointed in my direction. I let my eyes take stock in her beauty. Her thick lashes. The delicate curve of her cheek. The little shadowy place under her bottom lip. This was as close as I could ever allow myself to get to her.

I was positive, that I could never intentionally hurt her. But pain could come in many forms. If I didn't cause direct harm… something about my life would. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her. I would not allow it to happen.

Bella shifted in her sleep, and my muscles tightened reflexively. What would I do, if she caught me there? I decided to not push my luck, and so I rose to leave. I knew I would be back. I wouldn't be able to stay away. But as I took a step forward, Bella began to mumble in her sleep and I froze.

It was too tempting, to stay and listen to her sleepy voice. I wanted, so badly, to know what was going on in her mind. Would her dreams give me a clue?

What if she dreamt about me?

I could hardly suppress the excitement I felt over that imagined possibility. Bella turned her head to the opposite side and settled back into her pillow. In a moment, she moaned lightly. I leaned forward. She smiled in her sleep. I smiled. She giggled a little. I stepped closer. She sighed. I sighed. And then her lips pursed together.

"Mike," she whispered in the dark.

Mike?

She was still dreaming and mumbling as I turned back towards the window. I didn't want to hear any more.

I was in love with a girl I couldn't have. A girl- who belonged to someone else.