South Park © Matt & Trey.

Enjoy~

"That is fucking nasty," Craig cringes days later when he spots me wandering around the apartment wearing a t-shirt. I feel airy and stupid.

I've recovered from a particularly nasty withdrawal. Well, the worst of it, that is. I'm still shaky and tired. Hell, though, that's a lot better than sweating, crying, puking and pissing myself. Yep. I pissed myself like a fucking baby and Craig literally had to bathe me.

Craig needed the list of drugs I had been doing and I had to give it to him. He was on the phone with Nichole half the time, since I insisted I didn't need a trip of Hell's Pass. She was a huge help. The worst of it was long and painful, but I did get to see the softer side of the ever stoic Craig Tucker. He was really sincere and when I was a naked, crying, puke-covered mess he still hugged me and held me together. I don't know how many times I begged and sobbed for him to, "Just kill me." I wanted to die so fucking badly, but Craig saw me through it and insisted that this would "make me stronger" and also that I deserved to feel some pain. I couldn't really argue with that last point… I think that's what made me finally shut up. I can't keep taking the easy way out. Hopefully that experience will be a reminder about how fucking stupid drugs really are.

I look down at my forearm. "Eh… yeah…" I shrug. "It kinda feels weird when I touch it."

Craig grimaces, "Then don't… You should get it looked at."

"I don't want to get fuckin' arrested for being a junky…" I murmur. "Maybe it'll just go away."

He rolls his eyes at that. "I don't know about that. I think you need to see a doctor… besides, pushing more shit into your veins isn't going to make it better. They'll collapse soon enough."

"I'm not going to," I promise.

"Well, still," he shrugs. "I don't think it's going to just go away. It's pretty gross looking."

"Then I'll have to kill myself," I snort.

"Don't say it so lightly," he frowns. "You better stay sober after all I've helped you through in these past few days." Oh, how the tables have turned. It used to be me helping Craig… or, at least, trying to help him. I feel like he did a hell of a lot more for me than I ever could have imagined doing for him. "How are you, anyway?" he crosses his arms.

"I'm okay…" I admit. "I don't think I told you, but I saw Kyle a little while ago."

"Did you?" he tilts his head to the side.

"Yeah," I smile faintly, recalling the awkward conversation. "I had just finished bawling my eyes out," I force a chuckle.

"I didn't think you cried much… Well, not including when you were detoxing."

"I don't really," I admit, choosing not to mention that though that's the case, I feel like crying a lot. Especially as of late.

"So, why did you?"

"I went to see a therapist. She made me do a lot of thinking… and later on in the night I got some sobering news… somewhat of an ultimatum, in ways." I let out a sigh. "You know Tammy?"

"Your ex?" he asks and I nod. "What about her?"

"You know how she had a kid?" I pause.

Craig nods again, slowly this time, and I watch a look of realization spread across his face. "No… You're fucking kidding," he deadpans, his jaw dropping – if the circumstances were different, I'd probably laugh out loud and point out that he's being expressive.

Instead, I just nod my head. "That was basically my reaction, too, when I found out…"

"What the fuck are you going to do?" Craig asks.

"Well… my best, I suppose."

"That's why you're sobering up?"

"Part of the reason," I admit with a shrug.

"I decided I was going to do it before I even received that news. I think Tammy chose to tell me to give me further incentive and so I wouldn't change my mind when it got too hard."

"Well… if that's what it takes, good for you. Honestly, my mind is still reeling," he snorts. "You? A father?"

"I know…" I suppress a cringe.

"Are you scared?"

"Hell yes," I frown. "I don't want to be a crappy father. I had a crappy father, and look how I turned out. I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to repeat my mistakes."

"Since you're conscious of all this, I'm sure you'll be able to do a better job than your parents did," Craig assures me. "Just keep reminding yourself of it. Make your knowledge and experiences available so he can learn from your mistakes."

I nod my head. I'll never forgive myself if I hurt this kid.

"Have you met him yet?" Craig asks.

"A few times… but he doesn't know I'm his dad yet."

"I think you should go see him," Craig suggests. "Maybe he will be able to help you."

"How?" I wonder. "He's just a kid..."

"You might learn something from him. Kids see the world differently."

"Tammy said something like that, too." I sigh, "Every time I'm there I just end up screwing something up. We met when I was walking out of Harbucks, but the next time I saw him I was too busy fucking his mom to notice he was there the whole time. The rest has just been awkward stares. I'm usually upset when I'm there. He probably thinks I'm incredibly lame. He probably has the worst impression of me."

"So what?" Craig shrugs. "Impressions can change. People can change, too. To an extent, at least."

"You think I can change?"

"Yeah," he says, "I think you can."

"Thanks, Craig."

"Sure, Kenny," his lips quirk upward. That's right, Craig Tucker just fuckin' smiled at me.

In the evening, I grab my coat and make my way over to Tammy's. Craig lets me borrow his car, thank Christ, because it's snowing out. When I arrive, Jamie answers the door and I find myself at a loss for words. He gives me a look before turning around and yelling, "MOM!"

Tammy walks into the entrance, towel drying her hands with a kitchen cloth. "Hey, Ken," she says. "I was just making dinner."

"Oh," I say.

She smiles, ushering, "Come in, come in." I step inside and Jamie shuts the door behind me, following his mother back in the kitchen. I trail after them silently. "Ken," Tammy says.

"Hm?" I mumble.

"Ready?" she asks and I just nod, not trusting myself to speak. Jamie gives us both a strange look as he watches us talk. "Sweetie," Tammy smiles, bending down so she's at eye level with the boy. "I want you to meet someone."

"Mr. McCormick?" the kid looks over at me questioningly and Tammy nods.

"Yes, Jamie," she says, "I want you to meet your father."

His eyes widen substantially. He looks at Tammy, and then back at me again. I crouch down so I'm at eye level with him. Shit, I don't really know what the hell to say so I just smile. He smiles back and touches my stubbly face with his tiny hand. "So, you're my dad," he says.

"Looks like it," I reply. "Sorry we didn't tell you sooner."

He's staring right into my eyes, and I want to look away but I can't bring myself to do so. It's like he's reading my every thought and it's somewhat discomforting, yet at the same time it feels all right.

"It's okay," he says.

I feel my eyes growing wet and a lump growing in my throat. He's so small.

I look back up at Tammy. She simply smiles, looking wholeheartedly content. She turns around and makes her way towards the stove, allowing me to have a moment with Jamie.

"It's okay," he says again.

I swallow a sob as he wraps his arms around my neck. I lean my forehead against his tiny shoulder and let out a sigh. I feel pathetic, allowing a child to comfort me like this… but… Hell, I really want it.

Tammy asks me to stay for dinner, and I accept. She does most of the talking at the dinner table, but all I can do is stare at Jamie. I wonder if he looks at all like me? I can't really tell… His eyes, maybe. His eyes are blue. I wonder if people would say we looked at all alike. All I see when I look at him is Tammy and it's probably because I'm still getting used to the idea that he's mine, too.

Jamie takes bites out of his vegetables, and before I can stop myself I comment, "A child who likes his greens, I never thought I'd live to see the day."

Tammy chuckles, and Jamie just grins, giving me a view of all the food between his teeth. "Um…" Jamie pauses after he swallows. "So, can I call you Dad?"

"Y-yeah…" I say. Shit. I'm a dad. Kenny McCormick is a parent. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it.

"Can I be done, Mom?" he asks.

"Yep," Tammy grins. "Put your plate in the sink and wash your hands."

"Okay!" he grabs his plate before scampering off.

"Ken," Tammy says. "Have you spoken to him yet? Kyle?"

"Yeah… After I left here last time I was over, I ended up wandering to Stark's pond. I had a little bit of a breakdown and Kyle ended up running into me when I was lying in the snow," I snort. "I suppose I was overwhelmed. It was… It was awkward, to be honest. I got so emotional."

"Did he seem angry?"

I shake my head. "It was like he wanted to be angry, but he couldn't bring himself to be… I almost wish he was still angry."

"Maybe it's best that he's not," Tammy says. "Sometimes to forgive yourself, you need the forgiveness of others. If Kyle holds a grudge, you won't be able to move on. Someday he'll forgive you."

"Maybe you're right…" I sigh.

"You love him, right?"

"Right…" I confirm. Boy, do I ever.

"Just take things slow," she suggests. "Do things at his pace. That is, if he feels the same way. It will be difficult, but I think things will be okay between you both again."

A minute later, Jamie runs back into the room holding a DVD. "Can we watch this?" he asks, shoving it in my face.

"Once Upon a Forest," I read the title aloud. "Sure," I smile. I've never seen it. To be honest, I haven't seen many kid movies. I was never really into them.

Nonetheless, it'll be nice to settle down and watch something light for a change.

Jesus Christ, this is not light. This is some heavy shit. "Yo," I whisper to Tammy. "This movie is fuckin' depressing."

She stifles a laugh. "It's his favourite movie right now. I watched it when I was young and loved it, too."

"Christ…" I mumble. "Are all kid movies this intense?"

"A lot of them," she nods. "Children's movies often deal with death, loss… it acts as a realization, or a lesson to the children watching. It gently gets them used to the idea that there are awful things in the world; however you beat the bad guy and the happy endings are always reassuring to young minds. Also, in most cases, the protagonist overcomes their personal demons and grows as a person."

"Ah…" I say. "How relatable."

I guess you can learn a lot from children's movies.