I woke up the next morning still just as confused as the night before. I felt like my mom was pushing me into a direction I really didn't want to be in. I don't think she realized just how hard telling him was. Granted it was never really an option not to tell him but look at the consequences. Jax hated me and I don't see that changing any time soon much to my dismay. The last thing I wanted was to bring his mother into it. I shook my head, because telling her that Tara insinuated that she wanted to dip off with her grandkids is the greatest idea ever in my mom's book. I, on the other hand, wasn't sure it was such a good idea. Especially since I didn't know what was going on for sure. I mean I know that our conversation at Gemma's definitly seemed like she was taking them and running as far as she could, and where does Wendy fit into all of this? Sad thing is, I know Gemma will go storming in bat shit crazy and guns a blazing and she would get answers, maybe not always the right ones but she would get them. That's just the kind of woman she was when it came to her son and not to mention her grandsons. She didn't care who she hurt in the process of that either, I've been in that position already and it wasn't very nice. I did agree with my mom though, Tara was definitely up to something. Then again, that part didn't really surprise me. I scoffed at myself, of course it was easy for me to believe I wasn't crazy in love with her like a certain man I know. Maybe if I could look at things from his side I'd feel differently. I shook my head and scoffed, Nah I'd still feel the same.
I had a really bad feeling in my stomach over what's going on. Seriously she hated Wendy and now all of a sudden they're b.f.f's. Maybe I was blowing the whole diner thing out of porportion, I don't know. But seeing the way Wendy was acting when I brought up Tara screamed that something was up. Then again it could have been about Gemma, they both share a pretty heated history. But something was telling me she was reacting that way because of Tara, and speaking of which. Why did Tara look around the diner when she left? Why did it matter if anyone seen her?Something was really off on that situation. I pondered to myself just what that reason could be and it was eluding me. I shrugged my shoulders. I was really worried about it but at the same time I really didn't feel up to caring. I was still majorly hurt by the things Jax had said to me. I thought we had moved past me leaving while pregnant. He didn't want to listen, I had more than tried to tell him but that really wasn't an excuse. I could have tried harder and I know that. I own up to my share of the blame. I was so hurt over him tossing me aside like a discarded grocery bag and for Tara of all people. I know they were high school sweethearts but newsflash, she left him. I honestly can't believe he would just let her waltz right back into his life but yeah. What did she do that was so worthy of a second chance? When I didn't do anything wrong...minus taking off but that was after he left me, and I didn't get a second chance. Why did he even bother to give her one in the first place? And just for the record, why did I continue to give him chances when I wasn't worth a second one in his mind? I felt myself start to get angry and quickly changed the direction of my thoughts. Jax made his bed, twice now just for the record, and now he gets to lie in it. He chose that crazy woman now he gets to keep her. He could have chose me ya know. I'm just as good if not better than her, but instead he still chose her. Someone who was going to destroy him, similar to the way he destroyed me. I could say it was karma for him wrecking my life because of her. Maybe he deserves to feel that kind of pain. I blew my hair up out of my face and followed that with a sigh. Who was I kidding? I could lie to everyone else but not myself. I knew I was going to do everything in my power to keep him from being hurt, because that's what you do when you love someone. You will do anything to keep them from being hurt and are willing to sacrifice your own needs and wants to make them happy. And if there was any doubt in anyone's mind that I loved Jax Teller I'm pretty sure whatever it was I was going to do to keep him from getting hurt would be the end of it. The bad part about the situation is, right now all I wanted to do was damned him to hell. He really deserves that at least. He has completely broken my heart again and here I am willing to do whatever I can to keep him from getting is overrated my friends, especially when it is one sided. The sad part is no matter what he seems to do to me I still love him. Why I loved him though, that was up for debate. I could say it was because he was gorgeous, because lets be frank that man is sex on a stick. I could say it was that sexy smirk or his voice that chilled me to the bone in oh so delicious ways, but the truth be told I wasn't quite sure why I loved him. They say that's one of the ways to tell you truly love someone when you can't explain it. I wasn't sure how true that was since I had only been in love once and it still won't let me go. Maybe I should have tried harder in Oregon to find someone, then maybe I wouldn't still be sitting her mooning over Jax. I would probably still be in Oregon, with said imaginary guy, going to school and working and possibly in complete and utter bliss. I sighed, because that would have totally worked out. I have such an amazing track record with men, so yeah even my imaginary man would find something wrong with me and probably leave me for his high school sweetheart too. Maybe I was meant to be single, I don't know. I was so full of maybe's lately it was unbelievable. Its time to get my head out of the clouds, even though being in the clouds was much nicer than being in reality. In the cloud life, Jax didn't hate me. He maybe even possibly loved me, I scoffed snapping myself out of my dream like fantasies. Because him loving me was not going to happen right now, he had already made it clear that he loved his wife and yet I still love him. I guess you can't help who you love but lord help me sometimes I really wish you could.
I stood up and made my way over to my dresser. I stared at my own reflection and shook my head. Kandie, this was not letting him go. This was digging yourself deeper into the pit that had his name written all over it. You said you were going to let him go, you need to let him go. He will destroy you if you keep on loving him the way you do. He is no longer yours. I tried to talk some sense into myself but the craziness kept rearing its ugly head. I could help save him from his own craziness and not fall more in love with him right? That's had to have happened somewhere before hasn't it? Yeah probably not, but I couldn't just stand by and let something horrible happen to him. What in the hell am I going to do?
I was in the middle of cooking breakfast when my phone rang. I continued flipping pancakes, completely ignoring it. I had no reason to rush to the phone anymore when it rang. My mother was here, my child had just gotten up so there was no big rush. My former reason had decided that I was no longer good enough and he wanted to be with his pregnant wife. God I really was horrible. I'm mad at him for choosing his wife, pregnant one at that, over me, his baby mama. I cringed. God how much I hated that phrase but for the most part that is what I was. I scoffed at myself for using that term to describe myself when actually no I was not his baby mama. I was the mother of his child. I guess it was worth saying that his pregnant wife is trying to leave him and could possibly ruin his life. He doesn't want to accept any of that. I nodded to myself, yeah that made things a little better. My phone rang again, obviously someone was impatient. I turned off my pan and walked towards my cell phone. It was probably Gemma, but why would she be calling me? Unless mom called her and told her about the situation with Jax. I sighed and shook my head, knowing my mother she called Gemma this morning because I didn't call her last night. I picked up my phone and my heart dropped to my stomach, the screen read Jax. I swallowed really hard and felt sick all over. I answered the phone with a shaky hello.
"Just because we're not sleeping together anymore doesn't give you the right not to answer the phone." Okay and this was how we were going to start things. You know because here I thought I was the only one that was still angry, apparantly not.
"Oh excuse me for making pancakes for my daughter. I didn't realize I had to refrain from answering my phone because king shit was calling." He actually laughed. I felt my insides just relax all over. UUGHHH! He calls me being all jerk like and then melts my anger with a LAUGH! The nerve of that man.
"Yeah I guess you're right. I was actually calling to see if I was able to come by. I'd like to see Evelyn." My stomach knotted up again. That would be great for him to come by but I wasn't sure if I could handle it. In the end I knew I would have to see him eventually so I agreed to let him come by. I went back to finishing pancakes, my mind in complete uproar. Would I look like I didn't trust him if I sat in the room the whole time with him? I wanted to watch him interact with her. It made me feel a little creepy though. It was almost as if I didn't trust him with his own daughter which wasn't the case. I guess I just wanted to see if his father skills had changed. That would explain Tara's reasoning for wanting to leave him. The problem is I never saw him as anything but an amazing father and the few times he's been with Evelyn he's been great. But is that because I'm around? If things were going badly as oppinionated as Evelyn is I know she would tell me but all she says are good things about Jax. I sighed, maybe I could go all stealth ninja and peak on him from the kitchen. I nodded to myself, yeah that could work and while I was at it I could hang from the ceiling like spiderman. Just once I would like to be naturally balanced and cool like a ninja or even a sexy spy. Yeah I'd most definitly want to be a sexy spy. I was busy imagining myself in sexy jumpsuits, which was a real improvement from all of my Jax filled thoughts let me tell you. I even struck a pose while flipping pancakes. Much to my embarrassment mind you, my mother and daughter were both sitting at the table when I turned around with a plate full of pancakes. I can imagine that even though I thought I was the sexiest thing to ever hit the spy world my mother and daughter highly disagreed. My cheeks were red but not as red as they have ever been. I sat the plate down and Evelyn stood up and started mimicking my not so awesome spy moves. She hopped onto the chair and made her hands into a gun and spun in the chair causing both mom and me to laugh. Maybe I was wrong, maybe things wouldn't be so bad with Jax coming by.
I did a quick pick up of the house and took Evelyn potty. I wanted to tell her that her daddy was coming by at the same time I was afraid too. What if he didn't show? Not only would I look like an asshole, her feelings would be crushed. The last thing I wanted was her disappointed. I can only hope and pray he doesn't disappoint her the way he has disappointed me so many times. I walked over to her dresser and started to look for something simple. Even if they stayed here, she was probably going to be playing her heart out and falling over herself trying to show him this or that so I decided on jeans and a t-shirt. I dressed her in a black t-shirt that read 'this is what a rockstar looks like' and a basic pair of jeans. I brushed her hair and put it up for her and then I got dressed while I waited. I went with a plain black t-shirt and jeans. I no longer have to worry about impressing him, he hated me remember. I kept chanting that phrase over and over to keep myself from changing or redoing my make up. I was in the middle of brushing my hair when I heard the knock on the door. I stared at myself in the mirror taking deep breaths. I wanted to run to the door and when I opened it he scooped me up in his arms, but I knew it was never going to happen. I slowly walked to the door, it took everything in me not to sprint but I managed, on a positive note maybe we would actually have a conversation. You never know. I opened the door and I was a bit taken back by his appearance. He was in one of his old white samcro t-shirts and a pair of dark blue jeans. I was taken back, minus the difference in his hair, this was the Jax Teller I knew, the one I fell in love with. Why would he show up to my house looking like this? I know that he knew I would recognize the shirt. Was this his final attempt to hurt me? I moved out of the doorway giving him room to walk in. He kept his eyes as far away from me as possible and was busy scanning the room. If I didn't know any better I would swear he had never been here before. His eyes were taking in every spot of the room and then I realize he was avoiding me.
"She's in our room. I didn't tell her you were coming so she will be very surprised," I said and before I could point him out which way to go, he was already walking down the hallway. I wrinkled up my nose and mocked him behind his back, yes it was childish. Yes I know it was childish, no I do not care that it was. To make things even more childish, I hope he walked into that room and all of our old memories in there hit him in the face. They haunt me all the time, its only fair he gets a dose of that too. I walked into the kitchen, intending on giving them some privacy and mom was playing solitary. I sat down across from her.
"Do you want to play a game?" I nodded, not quite sure what we were going to play but I needed some space in my head.
We played a quick game of rummy and I made my way back to my bedroom to take a quick peak. The door was cracked about halfway so I could clearly see what I wanted too. Jax and Eve were sitting in the middle of my bedroom playing and from the looks of it they were having a tea party. Jax was on the right of Eve, with Lambie from Doc McStuffins in between them. On his other side sat one of her babydolls. On the other side of Eve sat Goofy. She was animatedly talking and handed Jax one of her plastic plates which he gladly took.
"Now daddy, its not cake this time its a donut." He picked up the imaginary donut and bit into it.
"Mmmm...that's even better than grandma's." She giggled and took a sip of her glass.
"You're so funny daddy. Now give Lambie her donut." He leaned real close to her and whispered.
"Maybe I don't want to share. I want all the donuts for myself." She wagged her finger at him.
"Now now daddy, that's not very nice."
"Yeah? Neither is this," in an instant she was scooped up in his arms and he was tickling her causing her to laugh so loud I'm pretty sure mom heard it. I walked away from the bedroom with a smile on my face from watching the two of them. I knew I was right, his father skills hadn't changed the slightest. To be honest, I think he had gotten a lot better with time. Being around him made Evelyn so happy. He seemed to be pretty happy too. Seeing my daughter so happy was enough to fill my broken heart. Even if it killed me, I would go out of my way to make sure that Tara didn't take her dad from her. I walked back into the kitchen with the smile plastered on my face. My mother sat across from me, stone faced. I decided not to comment and picked up the deck of cards.
"You ready for a few more rounds?"
We played for close to an hour. Jax and Evelyn still hadn't emerged from the bedroom Granted he had only been here for an hour but it was really weird not seeing my child. I had to fight my impulses not to run in there because I knew she needed time with her dad. It was a little after 12 so the pizza I had ordered should be here at any time. I heard another round of Evelyn's giggles and it put a small smile on my face. It also brought me back to reality that I wanted to have a talk with her dad, though talking with him about anything would be difficult right now since our last discussion went super well. Evelyn needed to know her brothers, hopefully he will agree with me. I don't see why he would but who knows any more. I would even be agreeable to letting him take her to his house. I may not be big on her being around Tara and her deviousness but it was a sacrafice I was willing to make if she would get to see Abel and Thomas. I really think that would be nice for her. I saw a car pull up in my driveway, breaking me from my thoughts. I walked outside and patiently waited for him on the porch. I paid him and tipped him well, at least I think so. Taking the pizza in the house, I made my way into the kitchen and set it down in front of mom, since she was already seated at the table. I quickly grabbed plates and also set those down within arm reach from where she was sitting. Then I made my way down the hallway towards my bedroom to grab my daughter and her dad. When I got to the door however, I was really glad I had decided to walk and get them rather than just holler down the hallway. Jax was standing at my dresser, holding a photo in his hands. I leaned into my doorway a little more and noticed the picture of us from the night he was voted in as v.p. was missing from its spot on my mirror. He stared at it so intently I almost felt bad to interrupt his concentration.
"I actually forgot I had that picture until I came back here. I thought I had burned it but I'm really glad I didn't." He looked up from the picture with a smile on his face.
"That was a really great night wasn't it?" I thought back to our conversation before everything went to hell. He had told me it was one of his favorite memories of us.
"Yeah it was, you can um have it if you want." He looked at me and then looked back at the picture. As much as I didn't want too, I would give it to him if the memory meant that much to him. I doubted it did but I had at least offered. He shook his head and placed the picture back.
"Things really would have been different huh?" At first I wasn't sure what he was talking about and then it hit me like a stack of bricks. He was talking about us.
"Yeah they would have been. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by what I said Jax. I'm just so scared that..." he held his hand up to silence me. I stopped talking instantly afraid I had angered him. We stayed silent for a few minutes and it was about to kill me. I didn't want him to snap at me in front of our daughter so I scooped her up and led her into the kitchen to eat with mom. I had a feeling whatever he was about to say she didn't need to hear. I slowly walked back into the bedroom and sat on my bed. He still had his back to me and stayed eerily silent.
"Jax, I..." I started to say but he interrupted me.
"Tara has been pulling away from me for a long time now. I don't know what's going on between her and me but I need to finish it. I'm not sure how that's going to go but we will see. I'm sorry I yelled at you." I looked at him at a loss of what to say. I didn't voice to him that I didn't feel she needed a second chance with all that was going on. I felt it would only make things worse. My thoughts drifted yet again to that day at the diner. Do I tell him about Wendy? I decided that was the best bet.
"I seen her at the diner with Wendy, maybe they're friends I'm not really sure but maybe you know." He looked at me and any hint of the old Jax Teller I knew was gone. Before me stood a man, a man who had more than his fair share on his shoulders. All the anger I had for him evaperated. He didn't deserve my anger he was just trying to do the right thing.
"Before Tara was arrested, she gave me guardianship papers. She wants Wendy to take the boys." My mouth completely hit the floor. I didn't know what to say. How do I comfort him when I wasn't sure how to comfort myself? That brought me to my next thing, how could she hurt him like that? I understand that Jax's lifestyle isn't what most people want but he's their father.
"Why would she do that to you Jax?" He looked at me with watery eyes.
"Honestly Kandie, I don't know. Why would she take..." his voice broke right along with my heart. I ran to him and wrapped him in a hug and we stayed like that for a few minutes. He pulled away from me and wiped his face. Watching him fall apart like that just broke my heart and I knew that I was going to fix it, not just the situation but his heart too.
a/n: Hey guys I'm sorry I didn't realize that the beginning of the chapter was one big clump it looked more spaced out when I was typing it. Also about the spelling errors, I was having issues with my aunt's computer while I was typing it. Usually it lets me know when something is spelled wrong or I have misused something today it didn't I will do my best to fix the errors. If there is anything else you see please say something even if it is through a message, most of the time I appreciate it unless you're a jerk about it. So thank you to Guest for bring this to my attention, for now I have fixed the paragraph issue I believe and I promise to fix the rest. I know the ending is super corny and im sorry for that but thats the way it ended in my head. ive tried to fix it, ammend it, or even alternate it and the ending still came out the same. I guess its not too bad just that last line lol. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter its almost double the length of the normal chapter so i better get some reviews lol jk but they would be nice. I mean its Teller Tuesday and all. How can you not review lol seriously though guys let me know what you think. I had to make myself stop writing! enjoy the rest of your tuesday because i know were you all will be come 9 pm my time lol what is your oppinion on juice? you think hes going to make it. also paulinej24 i hope you enjoyed the interaction with Jax and Evelyn happy reading guys ill leave u too it now