Chapter 13
Morale amongst the two barely conscious penguins was unnervingly low. Worry started to gnaw at them after wondering why they had only been unconscious for no more than a minute while their two comrades were still soundly asleep. (1) Being unable to find comfort in Skipper's encouraging pep-talks or to escape the whole mess with one of Kowalski's wacky plans gave Rico an unnerving feeling. Private just felt sad. These shipping crates reminded him of the shipping crates used at the zoo. And thinking about the zoo made him think of a lot of other things that had also been blown to smithereens. He tried to distract himself by watching Rico through the surprisingly large and numerous ventilation holes. It appeared as if Rico had tried to bring down one wall of the crate by use of his head alone and now was on the verge of losing his patience. When Rico's patience left him a stick of dynamite often took its place. Private could hear the boom of some kind of explosives almost as soon as he could smell Rico's singed feathers. His comrade hissed enraged at the wall, only to be joined by the hiss of the Bugblatter Beast from the next crate. The beast tore another bite out of an already devastated wall of its crate, as if to show Rico that their common enemy could not win every battle. Rico clapped his flippers in appreciation. Then he lowered them, slowly, as an idea started to form in his head. He started cooing at the beast as if it were a kitten, luring it closer to the chewed up wall and then, with a final resounding CHOMP! It went through the wall and came waddling towards Rico's crate with rumbling stomps. Private watched in silence. He did not know if he should be in awe or hide like a scared butterfly in a hailstorm. He pressed his face to a ventilation hole in breathless anticipation as the beast came to a stop at Rico's crate. Then the private pulled himself together and hissed, due to lack of air as he had forgotten to breathe, quietly at Rico, "Try having a nice chat with it." Rico kind of liked that idea for some reason. He could tell that here were all the components of a beautiful friendship laid out and just waiting for the moment when both of them were on the same page. The page that read "destroy all shipping crates and other yellow things. Together". Rico smiled at the beast. It smiled back.
()()()()
It turned out that not only was the Bugblatter Beast more than willing to demolish part of Rico's shipping crate, it also enjoyed his lemonade. Sure, Rico was running out of cups, but the lemonade dispenser still worked and his new friend was not interested in eating him as long as it had lemonade. Rico saw that as a win. Private at first was a bit miffed by the whole thing, especially when the beast started munching on a corner of his crate – at Rico's orders, of course. Private had to admit that he was exceptionally impressed with his friend... and, to some degree, his friend's friend. Although he was still weary of the latter. The beast found that it strongly disliked Private's crate for some reason and started roaring as it attacked all its corners over and over. (2) The roars seemed to be what finally provoked Kowalski and Skipper to stir awake. Skipper sat up with one swift movement and exclaimed, "Dancing maracas what's that jet plane doing in my head?" From another crate a slurred string of gibberish could be heard. Kowalski dragged himself around the crate for a bit, a string of saliva following him. He had a feeling that his current position was ironic somehow, but could not put his flipper on it. He yawned passionately and then jumped right into the top of his crate, startled when his yawn was answered by the thundering roar of the Bugblatter Beast. The knock to the head convinced him that going to sleep once more was the best option right now. And so he did.
A few meters away Skipper was on the other hand wide awake, sleeping was not an option when a peckish Bugblatter Beast of Traal with one of your subordinates riding its back was chewing and tearing its way through the wall of your shipping crate. The shipping crate that was meant to act as an, admittedly flimsy, barrier between him and the beast. The brave penguin commander felt just the tiniest bit uneasy. Or perhaps incredibly terrified. He was too preoccupied with avoiding the beast's chomping jaws to care about such irrelevant things as fear. When the beast finally pulled its head out of the crate Skipper let out an undignified "uhh!?" and slumped down in a corner of his crate. He started to think that he had had enough excitement today to last for quite some time to come. It was an alien thought which did not belong in his head. "Hello Skipper, Rico's made a new friend!" Private brightly chirped. Skipper let out another "Uhh", this time a defeated, flat one. The kind that would not be eligible for a raise after five years of loyal service. That kind of "uhh". He was not proud of it.
Skipper strenuously crawled out of the ravaged crate, assessing the situation and making sure that the beast was not looking at him. It was busy reducing Kowalski's crate to dust. The Penguin commander cringed.
Now that all four penguins and Rico's new (very violently "playful") friend were freed, the question of how to escape from the SPPPTPW remained to be answered. Kowalski was still groggy, so plans were not in ready supply. Rico and Private insisted that they bring Rico's friend, while Skipper adamantly refused, on the grounds that the beast had tried to bite him 18 times since he left his crate and had spilled lemonade on Kowalski's one and only plan. Albeit it was not a good plan, it was a plan, and they needed one. Private tried defending the beast by pointing out that it had only nearly stepped on him and Rico 5 times each and it always smiled back when you smiled at it. Rico insisted on bringing the beast with them but was firmly shot down by an agitated Skipper who had had enough. The topic was laid to rest as Skipper annoyed stated, "no, not even if it fits!"
Private could tell that Skipper's decision was final, with the bloodshot eye and all the other signs of stress and beginning madness cueing him in, and tried to comfort Rico by pointing out that they probably needed to make a hasty escape and you could not do that on a full stomach. It actually helped a little. Meanwhile, the beast was gnawing on the tire of a movable platform, oblivious to the fact that its fate had just been decided behind its back. It decided that it liked the taste of red tires and furthermore that tasting one of those black and white moving things making noise behind its back was still the immediate plan of action. After that it was going to visit the nearest planet, where there would most likely be more red tires, it hoped. (3) Then the beast felt Rico's flipper tug at it gently and stopped eating the tire all together. "I wanna bring it!" Rico said, or rather, he said something that sounded more like him barfing but still communicated the same message. Private hesitantly joined him and started negotiating with the beast. The youngest penguin hopefully exclaimed that they could at least give the beast a chance to choose for itself. "Nu-uh," Skipper answered, flippers crossed. Kowalski agreed, although he only managed to nod as he was still leaning heavily on a still standing wall from an otherwise demolished crate. The tranquilisers made his mouth taste like he had eaten a spoonful of gelatinous (unsalted) saltwater. Those tranquilisers were nothing like his own carefully crafted ones made with unstable chemicals and plastic cups fished out of the trashcan at the zoo toilets. There was love poured into the making of those things. His mouth suddenly stopped tasting of anything all together as he glanced to his left and saw the Bugblatter Beast gulp down Rico and Private in one mouthful.
()()()()
Silence fell as a light dusting of sugar. Skipper stared. Kowalski glared. The beast burped. And then exploded in a splatter of colorful yet unappetizing entrails. From the mess of colours emerged Rico, screaming like a lunatic and laughing like an evil genius. Private emerged from a glob of red which had been flung to the side. He was displeased and direly in need of a towel. As he was towel-less had had to settle for
Trying to calm down the raging lunatic who had journeyed through the innards of the Bugblatter Beast with him. Apparently, being swallowed did not suit Rico the least. (4) It took all his fellow penguins to calm him down again. Skipper could have sworn that Rico had been out of dynamite, but even professionals can be proven wrong. Right now it was obvious that Rico had no more explosives on him, period. Or else he would probably have blown the whole ship to smithereens. In lack of explosives he opted to use his toes. Kowalski noted in the personnel files that being eaten really did a number on him. And that their resident maniac was possibly turning into a B-movie villain.
When Rico had finally stopped kicking anything in sight the team of penguins suddenly realised that an explosion is not exactly inconspicuous. The sound of doors being opened and dozens of agents rushing through them also gave them a clue. However, as Kowalski noted, another sound could be heard. A most wonderful sound, like something out of a dream. He turned around to see the source of the sound.
"Come with me if you want to live," said the figure behind him. He gaped. Tranquilisers or no tranquilisers, he could have sworn that Doris the Dolphin was standing right behind him, smiling that special smile reserved just for life threatening situation. "Doris!" Private exclaimed with cheer. Kowalski furrowed his brow. If Private could see Doris then she was not a hallucination. And that meant that she was actually here. His mind, foggy as it was, came to this conclusion and instead decided that denial was preferable. Hallucinations cannot break your heart so thoroughly, after all. "I must be dying then. My life is passing before my eyes. 'M glad it started with one of the good parts..." he slurred on, pretty much ignoring the fact that Skipper and Rico had picked him up and started carrying him over their heads as they all followed Doris down a hatch. Doris managed to navigate them downwards, keeping herself afloat with a fancy looking cerulean anti-grav belt and clearing the way with a mean looking saffron laser blaster. Kowalski could not have been happier, finally spending time with his long lost love. He babbled incoherently, unaware that they had reached Doris' ship, concealed in what looked like a disused docking bay and cutlery storage room kept in nuances of almost-but-not-quite-pleasant lilac. She hurriedly got all four penguins aboard and started up the ship with a finesse that appeared completely alien to the penguins. Unlike them she seemed to have some idea of what she was actually doing. With a wave of swift yet precise movements she had the ship up and running, out of the storage room, and on its merry way out of the grasp of SPPPTPW almost before the four penguins could disarm and restrain her. As the ship blasted off at a speed nearing the speed of light, four penguins could be heard cheering, while one bemoaned the fact that he had no towel to wipe away the remaining bits of Bugblatter caught in his feathers. He still took part in the cheering, though.
()()()()
(1) We of course all know why, but to say that SPPPTPW is incompetent would be redundant.
(2) No, there is no reason. The beast is just stupid.
(3) Unfortunately for the peckish beast the nearest planet was planet Frombron, where you had to sign up for a monthly payment service in order to deserve the privilege of gravity. You even have to pay double on holidays; which meant that tires, wheels and other such means of transportation were not popular. It is only available to people who pay their taxes and have a clean record, otherwise you have to submit a special request and wait for between two days to 7 weeks. Tourists can however submit a tourist request for gravity to be provided for a special daily payment. Since the beast only knew tourists as that dish served between tree roots and green goo the future did not look bright for it. Furthermore, counterfeit gravity is a big problem in the outer regions of the galaxy. Bootleggers tend to also double as heads of states so arrests are rare and always the object of much media attention, something which the bootleggers tend to get violently annoyed with (Violently as in starting wars). But then again none of this concerns this particular Bugblatter Beast, to the great chagrin of those who were expecting a fabulous adventure to unfold from this humble footnote. This footnote has been made to apologise for not living up to expectations.
(4) Irony. Irony... what can you say about irony? A great deal more than what's been mentioned here, that's for sure.
( It would appear that this footnote is a tad jealous of the size of the previous footnote. Please ignore this disturbance and carry on as usual.)
A/N: Sorry about the long wait. I had to rewrite this chapter so many times. On the bright side it was too long once I was satisfied and I had to cut the end of it off, so now the next chapter is already partially done.