In a forest, the Sisters of The Dark have gathered together. They have a hot blond Sister of the Dark lying down. They stab her with a knife and start chanting latin as the woman's soul is released from her body. A mord sith then revives her. She awakes.
Sister: Hai Sister Nicci!
Sister Nicci: Wow! You made me a hot blond chick like in the Sword of Truth books! Now all is right with the series...
Sister: Yes. And that pesky Mother Confessor is still alive and only you have the power to kill her.
Nicci: Yay murder!
Meanwhile, Kahlan and friends are sitting around a campfire.
Cara: Gosh! I can't believe us women are sitting here chopping firewood while you men are sitting around making food!
Zedd: To each according to ability, to each according to need! You of all people should know that one.
A wild gar appears! Go... KAHLAN! The wild gar uses snatch. It's super effective! KAHLAN was snatched by the wild gar.
Richard: Noez! Kahlan! Do you know how long it took me to catch that Kahlan?
So Richard, Zedd, and Cara all hop on their horses and follow the gar as best they can. They fail.
Zedd: Well, shit. Only trained gars don't eat their prey immediately, and the only trained gars around here are owned by some Margrave in Rothenburg. (+2 AI One for Margrave, one for Rothenburg.)
Cara: But... by the time we get there, Kahlan could be dead!
Zedd: Or maybe not. They might want to keep her alive. The only thing that sucks is that Rothenburg has protective barriers that prevent anyone from using magic. So I'll be useless and Cara will have to rely on punching and kicking.
Richard: We shall try!
Meanwhile, in the castle in Rothenburg...
Soldier thingy: We bring you Mother Confessor, Kahlan Amnell!
Margrave thingy: Sweet! Now take her to the dungeon.
Kahlan: Ah hellz no! (Breaks free and starts fighting off soldiers. She fails.) It's okay! Richard will still find me. He luuuurrrvvveesss me...
Nevertheless, Kahlan is thrown into a dungeon.
Kahlan: Noez!
Cellmate: Yay company!
Kahlan: I shall find a way out!
Cellmate: Good luck with that! I'm his wife. He locked me in here...
Kahlan: Ah, so you two are into that, eh?
Cellmate: No. Just him. I'm not into this sort of behavior at all. That's why he's going to kill me. I don't give him the pleasure he desires. So he's gonna kill me and marry another chick who totally digs the whole "pleasure dungeon" roleplay fetish thingy...
Kahlan: That's terrible! I am the Mother Confessor and I say that what he is doing is unjust. Chaining women up in pleasure dungeons is totally degrading to women everywhere! Chaining up men, however... Das hawt.
Back in a forest, the Sisters of the Dark are performing some more dark magic. Darken Rahl appears in the flames.
Darken: Oh Nicci... I thought you loved the Keeper! Yet here you are... Alive and blond. You just need the black dress and you'll look just like book Nicci!
Nicci: I had nothing to do with this. My Sisters brought me back. They want me to capture the Mother Confessor because I am awesome like that. So I have convinced the Margrave of Rothenburg to send gars after her. And now she is in their dungeon and the Seeker and his sidekicks will be unable to rescue her because magic cannot be used there.
Darken: Wow Nicci. You sure are a clever girl.
Nicci: Yes. Now we just want the Keeper to give us eternal life in exchange for the Mother Confessor.
Darken: Okay. I'll ask him now. (Leaves.)
Outside the castle...
Zedd: So I hear that the Margrave struck a deal with the Sisters of the Dark.
Richard: Well shit... How are we gonna get in there?
Zedd: Well, I hear the Margrave is looking for a new bride. I hear he's interested in the Countess of Dunstable. Also the Princess of Thrice. (+2 AI)
Richard: Well gossiping is fun and all, but-
Zedd: Noez! This is not gossip! The Margrave knows the Countess but has never met the Princess. So... We're gonna ambush the Princess of Thrice and friends and go to the palace in their disguise!
Richard: Yay! I can give Cara a makeover!
Cara: What? NO! I am not going to play Princess with you two dingbats!
But the gang tracks down the Princess and her friends. Zedd freezes them.
Zedd: Okay. Cara, you get to look like this pretty princess. Richard, you get to look like this pretty Prince. And I, I get to look like this pretty Aunt.
Richard: Well, seeing you dress up as a woman would make my day, but we can't use magic.
Zedd: Magic? Who says we need magic to disguise ourselves?
So they hide the bodies, take the clothes, dye Richard's hair blond, and try to teach Cara how to be a Princess.
Zedd: Now Cara, NEVER look a man in the eye and ALWAYS agree with what the men say. And whenever a lady is in the presence of the Margrave, she must always speak in Haiku poetry.
Cara: Wtf?
Zedd: You must speak your first line in five syllables, your second line in seven syllables, and your last line in five syllables.
Cara:
You are so stupid.
Speaking in Haiku is lame.
I will not do it.
Zedd: See! You'll do great. So, what will you say when the Margrave asks, "How's the weather?"
Cara:
I hate this weather.
It is bright and sunny out.
My flesh is burning.
Zedd: Meh... Good enough.
So they enter the castle and see the Margrave and his council. After being introduced, the opposing team arrives.
Margrave: Welcome, pretty ladies! Countess, is your father any better?
Countess:
My father is dead.
But that is okay with me.
For I will have you.
Margrave: Oooo... Nice. And you, Princess... You are quite stunning yourself. How was your journey?
Cara:
My journey.
It was very nice.
I thank you.
Margrave: (gasp) You used the 3-5-3 instead of the standard 5-7-5. You REBEL!
Zedd:
I apologize.
She is just a bit tired.
Rest she requires.
Margrave: Well that better be the case...
Meanwhile, in the dungeon, Kahlan watches guards putting food out on a table.
Kahlan: Okay... There's five of them. Now we need to get them to come in here so we can lock them up and run free.
Cellmate: lolwhut? Just eat your food.
Meanwhile, Zedd tries to teach Cara how to dance.
Cara: This is SO stupid!
Richard: Why am I here?
Zedd: Because you'll get us caught if you go nosing about without the Margrave's permission!
Enter the Margrave's sidekick.
Sidekick: The Margrave wants you all to come down.
Downstairs.
Richard: Nice place you got here. You know what I've always dreamed of? Exploring the place!
Margrave: Very well. Sidekick, go give him a tour!
On the tour...
Sidekick: Now you notice the detail on this archway? It's very medieval. Oh and by the way, how do I get under your Aunt's skirts?
Richard: Uhhh... Well... I'll tell you if you let me look at your dungeons! I want some ideas of my own...
Sidekick: Okay!
So he takes Richard down to the dungeons.
Sidekick: Now you notice the detail on this archway? It's very-
Richard: I'm actually not interested in architecture. I hear the Mother Confessor is housed down here and I've been wanting her for so long... And her power doesn't work here. So if you let me in past those gates, I will guarantee you my Aunt!
Sidekick: Well... I would but the Margrave has the only key to the gates... We should probably get back anyway.
Back in the throne room...
Countess:
The gardens were nice.
But not as nice as your eyes.
Which sparkle like dew.
Everyone: Awwwwwwww
Servant: (Trips and falls)
Margrave: Stupid servant! You make me look bad!
Countess:
Servants are stupid.
They are completely useless.
Why do we have them?
Cara:
My servants back home.
I always keep them in line.
They never mess up.
Margrave: How so?
Cara:
There was this one time.
When my servant misbehaved.
I chopped off his toe.
Then I threatened him.
Slaughter his whole family.
If he disobeyed.
He learned his lesson.
From then on he stayed in line.
As servants should do.
Margrave: … NICE!
Richard: Psst, Zedd... The dungeons are heavily guarded and only the Margrave has the key.
Zedd: Interesting... Have you noticed how your percentage of fangirls have risen since you dyed your hair blond and became a Prince? Maybe you can woo the Margrave's sister. She might know where the key is. She's that fat ugly chick over there.
Richard: (sighs and leaves to woo the fat ugly chick.)
Countess:
What artwork you have.
That macaroni picture,
sucks compared to mine.
Margrave: Yeah... Why does your macaroni picture suck so much, Princess?
Aunt:
She no longer has
The talent to create art.
Since her mother died.
She took up hunting.
She is amazing at it.
No one can compete.
Margrave: Hurr... A huntress as a wife? That could be useful. What do you say, Countess? Up for a hunting competition?
Countess:
Whatever you wish.
Your eternal happiness,
Is all that matters.
Margrave: Yay hunting contest!
Meanwhile, Richard is getting it on with the Margrave's sister.
Richard: Well, bedrooms are fun and all, but why not get down and dirty in the dungeons?
Sister: Yay bondage! But only my brother has the key, and I am a woman so I cannot carry keys... But we can create our own bondage scene! (Ties Richard's arms to the bed post.)
Enter Margrave.
Margrave: What is this blasphemy? Take him away, guards!
Guards: (Take Richard away.)
Countess: Ha.
Later...
Margrave: This bastard shall be killed!
Sister:
No! Please don't do it.
If you really care for me.
You will spare his life.
I have never loved.
Love I have always dreamed of.
But I am too fat.
No one loves fat chicks.
It's not our fault we are fat.
We deserve love too.
He has shown me love.
No one else has even tried.
Please let him be mine.
Margrave: Alright. On my sister's behalf, we shall spare his life. But he will have to marry her!
Richard: I'd like that.
Margrave: Sweet! Now until the wedding, guards shall follow you everywhere to make sure you don't cheat on her. Now let's go hunting!
At the hunt...
Sidekick: Why don't you look pretty today? Hey, if your niece marries the Margrave, how about you and I get together?
Zedd: Uhhh...
Countess: (screams)
A giant ox-like monster appears. Cara shoots it with an arrow, steals the Margrave's knife, slices open its belly, and starts pulling out its guts. She begins eating its liver.
Cara: Yum. Want some?
Margrave: You just broke a lot of laws, missy!
Cara: I know... I'm a naughty girl. Watcha gonna do about it, sexy?
That night, at dinner...
Enter servant person thing.
Servant Person Thing: Sister Nicci and her posse are here!
Richard, Cara, and Zedd: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Nicci: I have the agreement, now where's the Mother Confessor?
Margrave: In the dungeon...
In the dungeon...
Guard: Ha! I hear the Sisters are here so that means you two get to die soon! (leaves)
Kahlan: Well, time to escape and kill off the guards!
Cellmate: Noez! I am a woman and I cannot take up arms or else I will burn in hell!
Kahlan: Zomg stfu!
Back at dinner, the Margrave is looking over the contract Nicci brought. Cara decides to pull some moves.
Margrave: Damn girl! Watch what you're touching down there.
Cara: Sorry... I'm just so eager to please you for eternity. And if you're bored, we can start now!
Margrave: Yay action! Okay everyone- I have an important matter to attend to. (leaves)
Cara: And I have to pee. (leaves)
Nicci: Why aren't I wearing black?
In the Margrave's bedroom...
Cara: So sexy, where's your dungeon key? (pulls out knife)
Margrave: Oh shit!
Meanwhile...
Nicci: Okay, I'm getting kinda bored here. Go tell the Margrave I will be leaving if he does not return immediately!
Sidekick: Otays!
Zedd: Noez!
Sidekick: Except that he does not wish to be bothered.
Nicci: Who is that woman?
Zedd: Me? I'm just a harmless old lady who is not a wizard infiltrating this castle to rescue the Mother Confessor.
Nicci: Oh, okay then. Anyways-
Richard: AHAHAHAHAHA... It's funny because she actually is a wizard infiltrating this castle to rescue the Mother Confessor!
Nicci: What the? SEEKER! (chucks ninja star but Richard dodges it. All hell breaks lose. +7 DT)
Back in the bedroom...
Cara: Tell me where the key is or I'll kill you!
Margrave: Alright! It's hidden... in my pants!
Cara: Awesome. (reaches inside Margrave's pants) Wait... there's no key here!
Margrave: Ha ha, I was just kidding. It's actually in my vest.
In the dungeon.
Cellmate: Ack! The Mother Confessor is dying! She slit her own throat!
Guard: What? (Enters cell to check Kahlan. She attacks him and starts killing off the guards. +5 DT.)
Meanwhile, Cara attempts to unlock the gate but is rudely interrupted by the Margrave's sidekick and the Sisters of the Dark. As they battle, Kahlan joins in. +5 DT. Once they're all fought off, Richard and Zedd come in.
Richard: Well Nicci... Good luck trying to kill us now- your magic doesn't work here!
Nicci: But it does out there! (Jumps out the castle window)
Kahlan: Damn... Woman's got guts!
And so the Margrave's ex-wife leaves, the Countess finds out that the Margrave is an asshole and leaves, and nobody knows where the real Princess of Thrice is. Thus the Margrave spends the rest of his life with no one to love.
And Richard and his friends go back to their little quest.
Tally (Not much to add this time)
Add-In: +4 = 31
Book Rape: +0 = 15
Confessed: +0 = 18
Death Toll: +17 = 175 (I needed to use a calculator to find that out!)
Epic Sword Fight: +0 = 16
Zomg That happened!: +0 = 11