Hello everyone,
Thank you for choosing to read my story. I know you have a wide variety of stories to keep you entertained, but I am so glad that you chose mine.
So please sit back (or stand if you like) and enjoy the weird ramblings of my brain twisted and pounded into a fanfic for your amusement.
RxExR
Chapter 14: Go
Talking to Hotaru didn't help me feel better or comfort me in any way, but if that's what I was looking for, I wouldn't have called her to begin with. I needed to talk to Hotaru because her brutal honesty allows me to regain a hold of rational thinking and it allows me to vent to someone who will say more than "That sucks" or "Natsume's a jerk".
"You'll have to be more persistent. If you insist on being the hero, you'll have to try harder." She says monotonously.
"Can't you just get Ruka to talk to him?"
"I can't get Ruka to stop talking to him. Even though they're similar in a lot of ways, Ruka and Natsume are vastly different mentally. When something is bothering Ruka, you can find him at the animal shelter or with the horses, Natsume just goes off the grid. And if what you heard was accurate, I'm guessing he's about to take off again."
I flop onto the couch and groan, "I know what happens when this starts, but I don't know how it will end."
"Natsume is smart, but he is irrational when it comes to dealing with internal conflict. I think he's craving at environment where it's okay to punch someone when they piss you off."
"But you don't think he's capable of killing someone, do you?"
"I think he thinks he's capable and that's more than enough to get a gun into his hand."
I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to think.
And then it hits me.
"Hey Hotaru, Natsume is number one in your class right?"
She scoffs, "Don't remind me."
"I think I have an idea."
This isn't over yet.
Because of frequent traveling or always being on call at the hospital, the Hyuugas have opted out of the luxurious mansion living for a very posh penthouse in the most expensive hotel in Nagoya (that they also happen to own), The Ruby Plaza. You need a special pass code and access card to be able to access their floor via the elevator and everything and everyone is thoroughly checked by security personnel. I wasn't expecting to have my purse thoroughly checked and almost being frisked by their guards, but luckily Aoi-chan met me in the lobby before my pat down.
She admired my outfit: a pair of black jeans, a blue empire waist shirt, and my comfortable and stylish black army boots accompanied by my grey pea coat. Aoi looked cute in her simple pink house dress and fuzzy black cat slippers. We ride the elevator all the way to the twenty third floor and step into the penthouse itself.
The foyer is covered in marble flooring with a small dark wood table pressed against the opposite wall with a large vase of white roses placed on top. A maid takes my coat and hat and Aoi tugs me pass the living room with its all-white furniture and giant screen television hanging on the wall. The stairs are wide and twist in a spiral up to the second floor with a wide and elegant hand rail. I follow Aoi pass the stairs and through the archway into a small dining room where a woman with long raven hair sat wearing dark blue hospital scrubs. Her white coat hangs over the back of one of the chairs with a nametag clipped to it reading Hyuuga, Kaoru MD. She has a pair of rectangular frame glasses hugging the bridge of her nose as she continues to write something down. I wonder if I should call her Dr. Hyuuga instead or maybe she'll think I'm being too formal. Aoi's voice cuts through my nervous thoughts.
"Mama, Mikan is here!" Aoi announces climbing into one of the chairs at the table where there is a bowl of fruit awaiting her.
Mrs. Hyuuga removes her glasses and looks up with a smile, "Hello Mikan-chan. It's nice to meet you in person."
I shake her hand and bow deeply, "It's an honor Mrs. Hyuuga."
"I was so glad to hear from Imai-san that you would be coming over. I wanted to thank you for watching Aoi the other day. I hope she wasn't too much trouble."
"No trouble at all. She and Youichi seem to be good friends."
"Ah yes your brother. Where is he?" she says looking behind me to see if he might be hiding.
"He has cram school today. Narumi-sensei thinks that Youichi is easily bored in school so he decided cram school would be a good way to keep his mind engaged."
"That's exactly how Natsume was at that age. School always seemed like a chore to him and he excelled so easily much to the dismay of his teachers. You can't very well punish a child for sleeping in class if he's done all the work. I used to get so many calls about his horrible behavior, but there was nothing I could do about it so eventually they just let him be."
"Youichi-kun is very smart! He helps me with my math because I don't get it at all!" Aoi announces shoving fruit into her tiny mouth.
"We were really worried about Aoi. She has a hard time making friends because of her brother."
Aoi nods eagerly, "No one would sit with me because they thought my onii-san would get them. I tried to tell them my onii-san wouldn't do that, but they wouldn't listen. Youichi-kun is the first person to be my friend."
"I think you're his first friend too."
"Really?" Her eyes light up.
I nod and she looks really happy with herself. Mrs. Hyuuga just smiles. As one of the maids pass by, Mrs. Hyuuga sends her to fetch Natsume who is still sleeping.
"I swear I don't know what to do with that boy. He's hardly ever home and when he is, he just locks himself in his room." She sighs deeply.
Poor woman probably feels defeated and confused about how she could have raised two completely different children. Natsume is a surly pessimist with a serious brooding complex whereas Aoi smiles like she's covered in sunshine even when it rains. Her cheeks are stuffed with diced strawberries as she hums merrily to herself. I take a seat in one of the empty chairs and pull a rather thick book out of my purse.
"Well you will be happy to know that Natsume agreed to help me study for my high school equivalency exam."
Her crimson eyes perk up in surprise. "Really?"
"Yep. He's trying to turn over a new leaf. I can feel it." I say with a smile.
"I'll believe that when I see it." She says taking off her glasses.
Natsume, looking even more irritated than normal, shuffles into the room wearing a faded blue t-shirt and black sweat pants with his hands shoved into the deep pockets. He raises an eyebrow at me and then looks at his mother.
"What do you want?" He asks as sour as ever.
"Such a rude son I've raised. Mikan is here for your tutoring session."
"Wha-"
"I was just telling your mother about how grateful I am that you're going to help me pass my test. This quality time together will surely do something to improve your attitude."
"Tch." He simply turned on his heel and walked out.
I give a little wave to Aoi and Mrs. Hyuuga, who both look doubtful like it's only a matter of time before Natsume chucks me out a window, but I will not be dissuaded. I grab my bag and book and follow the raven headed boy up the spiral staircase and down the brightly lit hall to a single door at the very end. Inside is dimly lit with a dark maroon curtain cast over the windows and the floor is covered in clothes. Natsume lays face down on his bed and pulls a pillow over his head.
"What a slob." I comment kicking a pair of jeans out of my path.
I put my book and purse down on the bare surface of the desk and take in his room. It smells like leftover pizza and sweat. Not what I imagined at all for a modern day prince's room. The sheets beneath him on the bed are twisted and rumpled. There's a lamp and alarm clock knocked over on the floor. The room itself is beautifully decorated with its high ceiling and renaissance decorum. It even has a fire place, such a waste of a beautiful living space on such an ungrateful twerp. I walk over to his unmoving body and just look at him. He looks like a regular guy to me, not the brooding, perverted, sadistic, aggravating bastard I've come to despise.
"Get out. I'm not in the mood for your moronic antics today." He says from under his pillow.
That's better.
I walk to the window and pull back the curtains letting painfully bright sunshine into his room. Now I can see why he keeps it so dark in here, it's to hide the mess. I see the slightly opened pizza box sticking out from under his bed and the duffel bag containing his sweaty gym clothes sitting in the corner next to his large television. There's clothes and shoes littering the floor. And cigarette burns in the carpet.
"Natsume, I really am here for tutoring. You're number one in your class in one of the best schools in the country, can't you help me?"
He doesn't move, "No."
Arguing will get me nowhere so instead I just sit at his desk and read the problems out loud as I go through them. Math was always my worst subject. I didn't do too badly, but it definitely wasn't on par with my grades in Composition and Home Economics. I read the problems louder than normal speaking volume just to get on his nerves. I can hear him rolling over behind me trying to drown out the sound of my math problems. I even talk out loud as I try to solve the problems, asking myself questions about the proper methods.
Fifteen minutes in and Natsume huffs out of his bed and storms into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind him. I hold in a chuckle and creep over to the door, continuing to read loudly from the book even when I hear the shower turn on. I can practically see him in there getting more and more annoyed by the second: my voice piercing through his thoughts like a sharp blade, not giving him a moment's rest. I jump as I hear the shower shut off and practically sprint across the room back to the desk. I pretend to be very focused on the calculus problem in front of me when the bathroom door opens behind me. He stomps to his bedroom door kicking it shut.
Click.
The distinct sound of a lock sliding into place breaks me from my reading. I turn to look at him, which in hindsight was a really bad idea seeing as he just emerged from his bathroom which is not conveniently connected to his closet like at the Imai house. A pale blue towel hugs his narrow hips and droplets of water slide down his toned figure. His mop of raven hair clings to the side of his face as he rummages in his drawers for clothes. I can feel my cheeks getting hot as I turn away from him. I force myself back to my math problems, but they're all turning into questions about Natsume.
How many water droplets does it take to cover the surface area of Natsume's entire body?
If a towel is 36 inches in width, how many times can it wrap around Natsume's narrow hips?
Then I remember who I'm talking about exactly. Natsume Hyuuga: bad attitude, wanna-be gang member, perverted playboy. No thank you. Reality quells my mischievous mind from any more hormone driven thoughts about Natsume. The boy practically bangs anything that moves. My math problems should read something like:
If Natsume walks into a bar at nine-fifteen, how many girls can he take home and bang before his mother gets home at midnight?
I wonder if he takes his female concubines here for the conquering. A bad boy from a drama I watched once never brought any of his lady-friends to his home, afraid that they would 'taint' his sanctuary. Natsume's probably like that. I tap my pencil against the smooth surface of the desk and read through the books explanation, which might as well be in Chinese.
"Are you ready to help me yet?" I ask taking a cautious glance at the boy who is finally dressed.
"I never agreed to anything. You showing up here is your business." He replies fastening a watch to his wrist.
I stand up to stretch, "Well I need help and you're the smartest guy in your school."
He grabs his jacket off the floor and heads to the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" I ask.
"None of your business idiot."
I launch myself at the door before he can yank it open, "Not so fast! What will your mother say if you just left me up here by myself? You're supposed to be tutoring me."
"That's your problem, not mine." He says.
"No it is your problem because I'm guessing those worry lines on your mother's face isn't from her patients."
He tries to pull the door open and it takes all of my weight to slam it back shut, "Here me out. If your mom sees you leaving she'll just bug you with a million questions about where you're going, who you'll be with, and when you'll be back. Right now, she is completely perplexed that you're tutoring me of your own free will, so the next time you go out she'll be less inclined to nag you with questions."
He just stares at me with a blank face. I'm thinking that any second he'll throw me out from in front of the door and storm out. Much to my surprise, he sighs and removes his jacket. Before he could change his mind I grab my book from the desk and plop down next to him on the edge of his bed.
"Math was never my strong suit. I don't get this equation." I say pointing to the combination of numbers and letters on the page.
"That's a reference formula, not an equation idiot." He corrects me.
He snatches my pencil from me and scribbles down the steps for solving the actual equation using the reference formula, turning what first appeared to be hieroglyphics into something that actually makes sense. The next hour went by in the same manner: I don't get something, he insults me, works out the equation in simple steps, and leaves me stunned as to how he does it so fast. He barely even looks at the problem before he jots the method down.
I'm finally getting into the full swing of the math section, lying on Natsume's bed with my elbows pressed into the soft mattress covered in navy blue satin sheets. He lies next to me with a manga covering his face and ear buds in his ears blasting a song I don't recognize. His jacket covers his stomach like a blanket and for a moment I forget how much I dislike him and just focus on my work and how grateful I should be that he's helping me. He could've just left, outing me to his mother in the process. She would then label me a crazy Natsume fan girl and kick me out. Hotaru would be furious because she's the one who got me here in the first place with just her word as my entry ticket. But no, instead of all that, Natsume and I are lying in bed together like it's the most natural thing in the world.
I struggle to figure out the next problem in the book. I'm more than confident that I can pass the equivalency test, but the fact that Youichi's adoption is riding on it makes me want to work all of the problems and make sure I know them backwards and forwards. I nudge Natsume's foot with my own trying to get his attention. I don't know if he's fallen asleep or is just ignoring me. I sit up and nudge him a little harder this time.
Lazy bum.
I lift the manga off his face expecting crimson eyes to be glaring at me from underneath, but his eyes are closed. Long, thick eyelashes fan out from his closed lids and his expression is blank, but less indifferent and more at peace. Natsume is the only boy I've ever been close to physically. He's not afraid of dwelling in my personal space and invading boundaries that others cautiously approach. Persona invades my space, but the smell of alcohol and the feel of grimy, dirty hands follow soon after.
I always wondered what it felt like to be held by a boy in a caring and protective way with hands that caress instead of hurt, with eyes that glow instead of burn, and with a smile that comforts instead of a scowl that intimidates. I've always wondered about such a person, what girl doesn't? But to pursue such a fruitless dream is just that. Normal girls my age are clinging to high school sweethearts, confessing to their crushes, fantasizing about their idols, and talking about their dream wedding after university.
I, on the other hand, do not have such a luxury. I don't know what I'll be doing with myself weeks or even days from now. I have no plans for university because I never had much time to think about what I wanted to be as a grown up. I have no plans for a career because aside from surviving I have no other talents that would take me anywhere. I have no romantic plans because what guy would want a girl with no future? Let alone one who's only accomplishment will be passing an equivalency exam and adopting a minor who depends on her. My ideal man would be someone like my father: someone who is nice, and likes to make people laugh, someone who does the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do, someone who sees the bright side of everything, and someone who makes me see sunshine behind the dark clouds.
I place the manga on the bed and just stare off into space. I should wake him because I really do need help, but his sourness will just spoil the peace in the room like a gun shot that goes off in a peaceful forest, forcing all the woodland creatures to scatter. Despite my best efforts to hold on to the moment, a crimson iris narrows at me through a half open eyelid.
"What now? You don't get something again? Why do you even bother?"
The music blaring in his head phones tells me that he couldn't hear me even if I did respond to him, so I merely shrug and hold out the book to him. He takes it from me and looks at the page.
"Which one?" He asks sitting up against his pillows.
I don't recall the problem I was on because of my ramblings so I just point to a random question that I haven't gotten to yet.
"We just did one like this." He huffs taking the pencil from behind my ear.
I shrug again and sit next to him a little closer than I would under normal circumstances, but I have to be able to see the problem after all. He finishes writing the steps and hands me the book and pencil instead of just shoving it towards me. In turn I hand him his manga which he opens to read instead of replacing it on his face. I try to focus on working the problem but the thumping bass in his headphones is a little distracting. I pull the ear bud out of his left ear, earning myself a glare.
"Do you mind? It's a little distracting." I say.
"So is silence." He retorts replacing the ear bud.
I take it out again, "You'll lose your hearing."
"Thanks mom." He replies sarcastically.
"I'm just saying. How are you supposed to be in a gang if you're deaf?"
He huffs, "This again."
"Why do you even want to do that kind of thing?" I ask.
"It's none of your business."
"Maybe I'll make it my business. Or is that something you reserve for pillow talk with your girlfriends?"
"Why are you so interested in my girlfriends?"
"So you admit that you have multiple girlfriends!"
"Tch. I admit to nothing."
"So you have multiple girlfriends, but you won't admit it, which indicates a much deeper psychological problem." I say thoughtfully stroking my chin.
He snatches my book out of my hands and tosses it across the room, "If you're going to talk nonsense, then this tutoring session is over."
"Hey! What'd you do that for?" I yell clamoring over him to get to the floor.
He takes firm hold of my waist and rolls on top of me situating himself between my legs. I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that Natsume Hyuuga being in my personal space invokes more annoyance than embarrassment coupled with flailing limbs or the fact that my lack of flailing may indicate something more sinister. After all, our position can be misconstrued as an intimate couples romp.
Shudder at the thought.
"Or maybe I can tutor you in something else?" He says raising his eyebrow.
I roll my eyes, "This again? Didn't you already lose this game?"
"I prefer to think of that as a warm-up."
"Seriously? Natsume it's nauseating enough having to be around you to try and keep you from doing something dumb, but the whole suggestive remarks thing is going to make me upchuck all over your nice satin sheets."
He sits up on his knees, slightly shocked. I rise up on my elbows and maintain eye contact.
"Your entire pursuit of the flesh is a tired game that I don't even think you like to play. So why do it? Does it help you escape your bland existence for a spell? Or maybe you just feel like a god being able to get girls to do whatever you want. I bet you've even been with more than one girl at a time haven't you?"
His silence is all the answer I need.
"Up until this point I was actually having a pretty good time and you really did help me a lot. Maybe if you spent more of your time like this instead of doing that other stuff you might actually find some peace within yourself."
He just continues to stare at me torn between throwing me out a window and just storming out, but somehow rooted to the bed right in front of me. It's then I notice the slight outline of bags beneath his eyes. I reach up and press my palm to his face tracing the line with my thumb. He leans into my hand ever so slightly.
"You don't sleep much do you?"
He brings his forehead down to my shoulder and just stays there for a minute, just breathing. I wonder if it's loud where he is. Back with Yuka, it was the silence that kept me awake. Everything just seemed so quiet all the time that the slightest sound made me leap from my bed. In the silence, memories taunted me with my dad's voice sounding like he was right there beside me. Sometimes though, it was loud like standing in the middle of a busy street with cars zooming past, honking their horns. I felt trapped under all the noise like any minute I would just open my bedroom window and make it silent forever.
Maybe all of his behavior is just Natsume's way of escaping the noise, doing something extreme to cope with it. I don't know what demons are torturing him, but if I can give him even a little comfort I will. I am my father's daughter after all.
We stay in our position for a while, but a knock at the door brings back reality and Natsume leaps from my arms and heads for the door. My palm still feels warm as I hold it up to my own face. A maid brings in a tray of fruits and leaves it on the table. Natsume leaves the door open after she leaves and stands there contemplating.
"You should go." He says after a minute.
Seconds feel like hours as I pull on my boots and get my book off the ground. I stop next to him on my way to the door and look him straight in the eye.
"I'm not really leaving you know. I'm still going to be here." I put the palm of my hand to his forehead, "In here."
I lower my hand to his chest, feeling the dull thump against my fingertips, "And eventually I'll find my way in here. I won't lose someone else to the darkness because despite what I may say. . . I don't hate you Natsume."
And it wasn't until I was safe outside in front of the hotel that I knew how true my words were because despite the cold wind licking my cheeks, my hand is still warm.
I met with Hotaru at the Cheshire Café for lunch since Youichi is still in cram school. She arrived ten minutes after me wearing a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, white ankle boots and her cream colored cashmere jacket and matching hat. She slips the coat off her shoulders revealing a white silk blouse and the same snow flake necklace from the other night hanging from her neck. We order some hot chocolate and she tells me about her mother and Shizune finally getting somewhere with the wedding planning and how thankful she is that she has no need for marriage.
"It's just not financially responsible. Risking all of your net worth on someone, who statistically will end up leaving you in two years and take half of your possessions with them. One minute you're living luxuriously and the next minute you're using a chainsaw to cut everything in half."
"I think that's what a prenuptial agreement is for." I tell her.
"The court system is hardly adequate to be able to decide what 'half' is."
"Shouldn't you marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever?"
"If such feelings existed, marriage wouldn't be needed to act as the proverbial ball and chain."
"You're telling me that if Ruka proposed to you, you would say no?"
"Of course. We're too young for that kind of thing and besides what Ruka and I have is a business agreement. Once graduation is over, he and I will go our separate paths."
"Uh-huh."
She looks up from her phone and blinks at me, "What?"
"Oh nothing. I was just agreeing with you."
An eyebrow arches upward, "You tone is one of derision. Why?"
I sip my hot chocolate from its large red and white decorated mug and say nothing. It entertains me that I can get somewhat of a rise out of Hotaru especially considering that we're talking about Ruka. Not that she would ever admit it, but I think she and Ruka like each a lot more than their relationship let's on.
"I'm totally in agreement with you, Hotaru. No derision here, just simple agreement. You are the smart one after all."
She narrows her eyes at me slightly, "You're annoying me. Are you going to stop this nonsense and tell me what happened with Natsume or not?"
I tell her most of what happened: my arrival, the almost frisking, meeting Mrs. Hyuuga, Natsume's bland entrance, my tactics at getting him to tutor and then leaving to have lunch with her. I leave out the bits and pieces pertaining to physical contact, mostly because I don't know what it was myself and talking to Hotaru about it might convince me it was something that it really wasn't: perhaps meaningful, or even nice? I refuse to let my mind linger on it for too long. My attraction to Natsume is purely hormonal and drama-TV driven and the rest of it is my stubborn curiosity about what Youichi can see in Natsume that I can't. Sometimes it's there, a small glimmer of him being nice or maybe even vulnerable, but as quickly as it comes, that's how quickly it goes. He just opens that mouth of his and everything I think I almost have a grasp of slips away, but I'm getting better, I think, at seeing through his rouse.
"So what are you going to do now?" Hotaru asks pulling me back into the present.
"Um, I don't know. Let him simmer I guess. It's his move really. I can't just keep showing up at his house."
"True. He'll just write you off as another fan girl with a new tactic."
I roll my eyes, "I think he knows that I'm no fan of his."
"Regardless, he's put the moves on you and the minute you give in, you'll be shut out. You just need to dig a crawl space big enough to squeeze through, find what's broken, and fix it before you give in to your hormones."
I ignore the hormone bit, "You make him sound like a machine."
"Machines are easy. I understand machines. If something breaks you isolate the mechanism, get in, fix it, and get out, reboot and everything's fine. People are another case entirely, but I assume you understood what I meant."
I nod, "Yeah I do. I just don't know if I can. I have my own stuff going on and this whole Natsume thing sounds like its more trouble than it's worth."
She shrugs, "Then quit."
I sigh blowing my bangs skyward, "I'm in too deep. Youichi likes him and I want to at least be able to tolerate him and not want to torch my insides when he walks into the room. Plus, I can't have Youichi looking up to him if he's going to pursue that kind of lifestyle. I didn't run away from the devil to dance with a demon."
"Well put." She comments raising her mug to her pink tinted lips.
"What he needs is a serious reality check." I say.
"You could just tell him your life story." She suggested.
I scoff picking up my mug, "He wouldn't believe me. He thinks I'm sheltered and I don't understand that part of life."
It's quite comical that Natsume thinks I'm the one who's sheltered when I've been living with a drug trafficker for three years. The amount of liquor and cocaine I've had to clean up, the druggies I've had to shove out the backdoor, the number of times I had to take care of my mother is enough to write me a ticket to the funny farm for psyche evaluation. Yet he sits in his fortress penthouse with maids, butlers, drivers and everything he wants at the snap of his fingers, and I'm the one who's sheltered? I really should tell him my life story, maybe then he'll get the picture. Knowing Natsume, he won't believe me, write me off as a liar who will say anything to get what she wants and disappear to Gangland.
Not even a plate of piping hot Wonderland pasta can raise my spirits.
"Maybe you should give in." Hotaru says randomly.
"What?"
"I was just thinking that maybe the way to get through to Natsume is to appeal to him on a more intimate level. My older brother has tried for years to steer me in a medical direction, but he failed and created a gap between us. You never want a sibling to tell you what to do. A lover on the other hand. . ."
"Are you suggesting that I trade my virtue to Natsume to get him to stay away from the dark path?"
"I wouldn't put it so bluntly, but you have to admit relationships with women have steered men off course for centuries. Take the bible as an example."
"You've read the bible?"
"Of course. Mostly for reference and to invalidate arguments, but I also consider myself a well-rounded person."
"So I'm to use my feminine wiles to steer Natsume off course?"
"It's a good plan."
"It's an awful plan! It's a dangerous plan! Sumire and Luna would tear me to shreds and leave pieces of me for Gretchen and the rest of his worshippers. Not to mention I kind of hate the guy."
"You've been mindlessly spacing out ever since I got here, looking dreamily out the window as if remembering something fond. When you were telling me about what happened today you trailed off at times leading me to believe more happened then what you're letting on and the fact that you're not telling just confirms something happened. You're too frigid for anything too intimate to take place, but I would chance a guess that it was something deep that involved some light caressing and prolonged gazes."
It's like she was in the freaking room.
"You're terrifying, you know that?"
"Noted." She replied taking a bite of her salad.
"It's not that I didn't want to tell you, it's just that I don't know what to think of it myself. There were these moments where everything just felt so quiet like he and I just hang out together all the time and it's no big deal. I don't know. I told him I wouldn't give up and that I didn't hate him."
"And why did you say that?"
"I don't know. Because I meant it? I think I did. He just seemed to be teetering between being two people in that moment and I just wanted to reach inside and pull that other person out: that non-hostile person, the person that might actually talk to me like a person. I don't know. I guess it was pretty dumb."
"Not the adjective I'd use, but never the less you said you wouldn't give up so now you just have to figure out what to do with yourself."
Hotaru left me with my thoughts and my half eaten pasta (and the bill!). I decided that thinking too hard about things would be counter-productive so I got Grant to take me to the school so I could wait the last half hour before Youichi got out. I leaned on the outside of the car with my hands tucked into my pockets staring up at the school. It's large and looming almost like a castle. I imagine myself wearing the uniform I saw Anna in, hanging out with friends by the rows of lockers, eating lunch in a grand cafeteria that uses real silverware and not plastic, and going home to a penthouse like Aoi or a mansion like Hotaru or even a nice modest home like Anna and Nonoko. With Mom and Dad waiting for me, asking about my day, and the smell of cookies wafting through the room. Youichi would come home after soccer just in time for dinner and Mom would tell him to go wash up and Dad would go with him.
I smile to myself at such a ridiculous fantasy. If my dad was alive Youichi and I would never have met and I wouldn't have come all the way to Nagoya. I wouldn't have met Hotaru and Anna, and Nobara. I can't imagine not knowing them. I can't imagine not having Youichi's tiny feet stumbling to keep up with me. As he bounds down the stairs with some other boys from his class I take a mental picture. I don't need a fantasy in my head because my most precious dream is coming true before my eyes. Youichi looks like a regular kid, aside from his blank face. The other boys chat animatedly around him and he actually waves as they run off. He walks up to me giving me a 'What?' look, but I just smile and open the car door for him.
He has no idea how happy he makes me.
Sumire is pissed off and no one is to blame aside from Natsume Hyuuga (of course). Gretchen got the word around that Natsume is exclusively seeing someone. Just to get a rise out of Sumire, she apparently dressed up the story.
A lot.
How the girl is a leggy brunette from Paris who is on her way to becoming a big time model. She went as far to name drop the top designer brands the mysterious brunette was wearing that night and how Gretchen had to back off because Natsume grabbed his new girlfriend by the waist and strode off to a private booth. She even threw in a hotel stay at the end just to watch the vein by Sumire's left eye twitch with annoyance and rage.
After the storytelling, which took place before I got to work (thank God), Sumire went around questioning everyone about the mysterious brunette which did more harm than good because the other girls thought they also heard a rumor about Natsume's new French super model girlfriend. She apparently lives in his family's hotel and drives a red Porsche (because she and Natsume just had to match). Someone even mentioned something about an engagement to help seal a business deal with her family.
These girls watch waaaaaay too many dramas.
Me? A French super model? I don't even know the French word for model.
Modele?
The rumor spread across the bar like an alcohol fueled fire. Sumire's sour expression looks like she smelled something foul and her face froze immediately afterward. The usual string of guys buying her drinks and flirting with her was absent as she sat on her usual perch with arms crossed over her prominent chest. Her shimmering green blouse left nothing to the imagination revealing her bra underneath. Her black shorts coupled with fishnet stockings and dark green knee high boots made her legs look really long and her overall demeanor is that of an extremely pissed off girl with a fresh manicure that is ready to scratch out eyes.
When Natsume walked into the bar at a quarter to midnight, Sumire slapped on her happiest smile and primped her hair a bit before hopping down off the bar and making a peacock strut over to him. She trailed her tongue across her lips in what I guess is supposed to be a seductive manner. Natsume, whose eyes barely lingered on Sumire for more than a minute, looked around the room like he was trying to find someone.
Terrified, that it was me, I busied myself in the stockroom counting the bottles of wine and filling out the order sheet. The girl who usually does it was more than happy to trade with me so she could watch whatever was going on outside. I peeked through the swinging door and I could see Sumire talking to Natsume trying to get him to talk to her. Natsume, still looking around, spotted something across the room and shrugged Sumire off. Curious, I opened the door wider to see who or what it was. My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the man Natsume was talking to. It was the red headed man from the alley the other day. Reo I think his name is.
He smiles a big grin upon seeing Natsume and slaps a hand on his back. They sit down at Natsume's usual table and order drinks from a very eager blonde. I try to get a closer look when someone crashes into the door knocking me flat on my butt.
"Ow!" I yell.
Sumire's emerald eyes narrow at me, "What are you doing in here? Risa is on inventory check tonight."
I get up rubbing my bruised tailbone, "She was feeling a little cramped so we traded."
"Psh, more like she just wanted a reason to flounce those uber fake double D boobs for Natsume and that guy."
"Who is he? I've never seen him in here before."
"A loser who use to go to our school, he was in the bottom of his class and notorious for making a scene on school grounds."
"A scene?"
She rolled her eyes, but I can tell she likes having information that I didn't know like it made her superior, "Busted for drug possession, use of drugs on campus, fighting, inappropriate conduct and the like."
"Shouldn't he have gotten expelled?"
"Reo is the only graduated and because his dad bribed the school officials so he could stay long enough to get his diploma. You would think guys like that would just fall off the grid, but he still hangs around looking to recruit high school kids."
"Recruit them for what?"
"What am I, an information desk?"
"I just thought you would know since you're kind of like the head honcho around here aside from Hotaru of course."
Stroking Sumire's ego is probably the easiest way to find out anything. A smirk appeared on her face and she flipped her curly locks over one shoulder.
"You got that right. He recruits for his lame gang, a bunch of shady types who stalk around alleys and try to push drugs on middle schoolers or something. If Reo is the brains of the outfit, they pose no serious threat. The only reason why the police don't arrest them is because of Reo's dad's reputation and money train."
"So he's not even a threat?" I ask skeptically.
She rolls her eyes again and pulls a bottle of wine from the rack, "Of course not. He's just some loser."
She disappeared back into the bar, leaving me there with my thoughts. Reo may have started out as some know-nothing loser, but that conversation with Natsume in the alleyway tells me that he may have his fingers in something very serious and he is dragging Natsume down with him. I abandon my inventory sheet and slip out of the stockroom and into the bar. Natsume and Reo seemed to be in deep conversation with half a dozen shot glasses on the table.
Maybe Natsume is just telling him off. Maybe I got through to him on some level and he was sending Reo on his way. They're just having a polite "Thanks, but no thanks" drink before Natsume resumes his normal gang-free life.
But something about that creepy grin on Reo's face and the clinking of their glasses before they downed their beverages, tells me that Natsume is doing just the opposite. Reo pulls his phone out of his pocket and shows Natsume something on the screen. Natsume glances at the phone before going back to his drink. They get up and head for the door and I feel a familiar panicky feeling in my chest. That feeling right before you're about to do something stupid, but you know you're going to do it anyway. I manage to force my way through the thick crowd of people and out the exit. I can see my breath in front of my face as I bound up the stairs looking for Natsume and Reo. The frosty breeze and my bar attire don't agree with each other and I have to lock my jaw to keep it from chattering. Instead of heading out to the street I spot Natsume and Reo going deeper into the alleyway that leads to Imai's back entrance. I push myself to ignore the cold and keep going. I can see Reo's lips moving but I can't hear what they're saying. They stop just around the corner giving me a perfect vantage point for eavesdropping.
"-it's that simple." Reo concludes.
"Sounds stupid."
"Maybe to you and me, but the boss is hell bent on it. People have to know their place you know?"
"Hn."
"Think of it as a really lame initiation."
Natsume doesn't respond but I hear a beeping from a cell phone.
"I have to go. I've got a pick up tonight. Meet me up later if you're in. I'll give you all the details. Later Hyuuga."
Luckily for me, Reo chose not to come back the way he came and continued to take the alley to a different street. Unluckily for me, Natsume didn't.
"Don't you ever get sick of eavesdropping?" He asked without even stopping to look at me as he passed.
"But I have all this free time." I mock.
"Tch. You're really starting to bug me."
"I wasn't bugging you so much earlier. I'm just trying to meet my quota."
He turns on his heel and glares at me, "What the hell is your problem? You move to a new town and you just have to put your nose where it doesn't belong."
"I'll decide where my nose belongs, thank you very much. Why are you still hanging around that guy?"
"As if it's any of your business."
"I hear he's a big loser, the still-hanging-around-high-schoolers type."
"You should mind your own business before you end up in trouble."
"Like you're going to be if word gets out you're hanging around in dark alleys with shady people. Oh, but that's what you do right? Hang around in alleyways with shady guys and falling off the face of the earth from time to time."
"For someone who got defensive when she thought people were gossiping about her, you sure cling to a lot of the gossip around here."
"It's not gossip if I see you with my own eyes."
"Why don't you just leave me alone?"
"I would love to, but you have my brother convinced that you're a good person and being an older sister it is my obligation to see if you are. It's not looking good so far I'll tell you that."
He merely turned on his heel and started back towards the bar.
"Natsume wait."
He stops walking but doesn't turn.
"I'm sorry. I know I can be annoying and stupid, but I really think I can help you. Whatever you're feeling, whatever you need, I can help you. I know there's darkness in the world, but you don't have to embrace it. You can still seek out the light and be happy. Things get better, you just have to give it time."
He turns blank crimson eyes towards me and a gust of wind forces my teeth to chatter despite my jaw clenching. He slips his leather jacket off his shoulders and over mine. He looks rather thoughtful as he pushes his hands into his pockets.
"You want to help me?" He asks.
"Yes I do."
"You'll do anything?"
"Yes."
"Kiss me."
A million reactions flash to my mind: slap him, yell, walk away, sarcastic comeback, stutter like a moron, or just avoid the request all together. But as I stare up into his eyes I know this is more than a pervy request from a guy who obviously doesn't take me seriously, it's a test. Something inside him is curious about how serious I am about helping him.
I reach up with trembling fingers to touch the side of his face, not breaking eye contact for even a moment. Even in my work boots I have to guide his face down to mine. I let my eyes drift close and ever so slightly, but not completely. I press my lips to the corner of his mouth and stay there for a moment trying to convey how sincere my effort is.
I pull back from him slowly looking into his eyes as if they held the secrets to whether I passed or failed, but he just looks back at me same as before. I think we're both in a state of shock. I don't know how long we stood like that: my hand on his face our mouths close enough so I can feel his breath on my lips, his gaze drowning me so much, that I can't even feel the cold anymore. Eventually, he drifts out of my grasp and down the alleyway, disappearing around the corner. I want to call out his name, make him stop and come back, but the sound of the bar door opening and the laughter filling the alleyway as people are leaving snaps me back to reality.
What am I doing?
Being helpful and trying to make a suitable male role model out of Natsume is one thing, but kissing him and feeling. . . different about him is something else entirely. Kissing him, even that little peck so dangerously close to his actual lips, is going way outside of my comfort zone. I want to believe that I have no romantic inclinations towards Natsume, but I'd be in denial if I said the boy hasn't gotten under my skin: the way he stares, the way he smells, the way he talks, and those rare moments where I feel like we're all alone in the world. I push my arms through the sleeves of his jacket and hug my body for warmth. I should go back inside, but I'm rooted to the spot trying to make sense of the nonsense that is my brain.
By the time I force myself to move, stash the jacket in my locker and get back down to the bar my mind has floated off some place and I'm in robot mode. Even Sumire's insults and ranting couldn't reach me. I'm just elsewhere, drifting through my thoughts not stopping long enough on any of them to get caught up in serious contemplation.
Risa yelled at me about the incomplete stockroom sheet that I abandoned earlier and demanded that I finish it. It took me a whole half hour after I was supposed to get off my shift to finish it, but I did and left it hanging on the wall for the delivery guys to go through tomorrow.
"Hey there." A voice calls out to me as I'm grabbing my stuff out of my locker.
Ruka looking as dapper and blonde as ever leans on the door frame with a smile on his face. Looking at him now I can see why Hotaru's "business" is so successful. The boy is very photogenic and even when he's casual, the genuine friendliness in his eyes makes you want to trust him. His denim jeans are loosely fit and he wears a biker racing jacket over a white shirt.
"Hi Ruka. Coming from a race?"
He laughs, "No, no. I was at the track today helping Natsume with this engine Hotaru sold to him."
"She sells engines too?" I ask.
"If she can make it, she will definitely sell it. Not mass production though she hasn't gotten it patented yet. Right now Natsume's her only client in that department."
"That girl will never cease to amaze me. What are you doing here? I thought Hotaru was having dinner with her parents?"
"She is. It might snow tonight so she thought I should come and make sure you got home alright."
"Hotaru Imai asked her boyfriend to come check on me? Do not insult me with your tom foolery." I mock closing my locker.
He chuckles, "I never was a good liar."
"Besides I have a driver now."
"I thought I was seeing Grant around a lot."
"Yep that's him. So what are you really doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"What could we possibly have to talk about? Is it about yay high with a permanent scowl accompanying a piercing ruby gaze?" I tease.
"Nothing gets past you."
"I may be a little naïve, but I know a desperate blonde when I see one. So, what about him?"
"I want you to be careful. Natsume told me about the other day in the alley. I don't think he's going to do anything he hasn't done before and he always comes back. I don't know why he does what he does, but it's best to leave him be. I'm happy that you're not just another girl trying to get into his pants, but I think you may be doing more harm than good."
"Well I disagree. I think Natsume has had quite enough coddling and he needs a swift kick in the pants. He's flirting with a very dangerous path and just because he hasn't fully committed yet doesn't mean that he won't. It just takes one act Ruka, one favor, just one time to seal the deal in that world. He shouldn't ruin his entire life because of his whims. I thought you as his best friend would try and talk him out of it."
He rubs his head, "I've tried, but he'll stop talking to me all together if I push too hard."
"Sounds like a friendship of convenience to me."
He gets a little defensive, "It's not like that."
"Let me give you some advice Ruka and I'm not an expert so you can dismiss me if you want, but to be a good friend you have to be willing to hated for being the voice of reason. If he's really your friend, he'll see that you're only looking out for his best interest. Natsume's biggest problem is that no one challenges him."
"And you want to be that person?"
"Sticking my neck out for a guy I barely know? Of course not. But if I can stop him from becoming something worse than a sour puss playboy, then I can sleep easier at night."
I pat him on the shoulder and leave him with his thoughts. Who am I to judge what makes a good friend or not? But I do know right from wrong and that ignoring a problem is just as bad as being a part of the problem. Ruka strikes me as a non-confrontation type, but behind those blue eyes genuine worry and concern are stirring. Instead of dissuading me from butting in, he should be the one doing more of the butting in so I can take my butt out. My father always told me 'don't cry over spilt milk, but you can't leave the milk on the floor to rot either'. You have to acknowledge your mistake and clean up your mess. Natsume spilt his milk and doesn't want to clean it up and everyone else getting a whiff of the sour milk and they're all just ignoring it, but that doesn't make it go away.
Ruka said 'He's not going to do anything he hasn't before', but from the way Reo is smiling and lingering around I think Ruka is dead wrong about that. The milk has soured and is attracting flies and those flies just bring more flies until you have an infestation.
Riding back to the apartment in the back of the town car, I watch the streetlights pass overhead. My thoughts drift over the happenings of my day as I ask myself 'What I am doing?' over and over.
I am creating a stable environment for Youichi and I to grow and live.
I am working my butt off, killing myself and losing sleep to achieve my goals.
I am filling the gaps of my free time with studying and budget planning.
I am not thinking about Yuka or Persona.
I am curious about my Jii-chan.
I am curious about Natsume.
I am helping Natsume.
I am annoying Natsume.
I am annoyingly helping Natsume.
All of these answers are correct of course, but I wonder how the Natsume-related answers even got on my list to begin with. I can blame Youichi's fondness, but that's becoming a half truth. More than anything I am curious about Natsume. And curiosity has a very bad reputation emotion-wise.
For example, it kills cats.
And you just can't trust a cat killer.
I sigh causing my breath to trail across the glass. I draw a little heart in the condensation. I told Natsume I would get into his heart. My father told me a story about a dragon whose heart was made of ice. He could not feel and so he destroyed villages and burned down homes. One day a little girl named Ai got eaten by the dragon, but she did not die instead she wandered around inside the dragon and eventually found her way to the dragon's heart, but it was not made of ice. Instead it was covered in ice which made it unable to beat. She pounded on the ice with all of her strength, but it did not move. She was about to give up when she thought of an idea. She wrapped her arms and legs around the dragon's heart and squeezed with all her might. Eventually the ice melted and the dragon was overwhelmed with the feeling of his heart thudding in his own chest and left to live a peaceful life.
I asked my father if the little girl died and he shook his head, "No my Mi-chan she did not die. Because love cannot die."
Ai means love.
I never understood the story until I got older. Ai wasn't really a little girl, she was a physical representation for love when the dragon had met a stubborn girl dragon and had fallen in love with her. It was my favorite story. My father often used books to explain things to me and I think that's where my thirst for books began.
Love has been an abstract theory to me because everyone I've ever loved has left me, except for Youichi and now my entire concept of love is wrapped into his existence. A love between a sister and a brother, a love between a guardian the guarded, this is the only type of love I can really hold on to. Truth, my dad was taken from me in a blur, but that still doesn't keep that feeling of abandonment away.
"Will that be all miss?" Grant asks me as we pull up to the front of my apartment building.
I consider asking him to take me Natsume's so I can see if his Porsche and bike are still there and that he's not off with Reo doing something dumb, but it's late and Grant needs sleep just like I do.
"You're officially off duty Grant. I'll get the door."
"Have a good night miss." He says as he pulls to a stop.
"You too. See you tomorrow." I say getting out of the car.
Like a good driver, Grant waits until I'm safely in the lobby before pulling away from the curb. I wave a little after him and head down the hall to Tsubasa's apartment to get Youichi who's probably asleep in front of their TV again. Misaki is a way better babysitter than Tsubasa because she makes sure that Youichi brushes his teeth and showers and gets to bed at a decent hour. Tsubasa on the other hand plays video games with him until Youichi passes out and then covers him with a blanket and lets him snooze until I get back.
The door is unlocked and Tsubasa and Youichi are both asleep on the couch with some video game blaring on the TV screen. I can smell Misaki's soup lingering in the apartment. I turn off the television and grab Youichi's shoes and get ready to hoist him onto my shoulder.
"There you are Mikan." Misaki says coming in from the bedroom.
Misaki goes to night school and gets in late when she stays to study at the library. She hasn't changed out of her clothes from earlier so I'm guessing she just got home as well.
"Here I am." I say hoisting Youichi up onto my left shoulder.
"I left some soup for you in your apartment and Tsubasa managed to get Youichi to take a bath amongst all the video game playing."
"I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you guys. The amount of debt I'm in is not even feasible."
She laughs, "No debt. Tsubasa is big on doing the right thing. 'Put good out, get good in' is what he says. Goofball."
"It's a good thing." I say.
"I know. How did I end up with a good one I'll never know."
"Well when you figure it out let me know. So I can at least avoid the bad ones."
We say our goodnights and I begin the walk up the stairs and down the hall to my apartment. I can feel Youichi's breath on the back of my neck as he snoozes quietly. It's amazing how much of a deep sleeper he's become, yet another sign that I'm not messing up too bad. I twist the key into the lock and push my way through the door. Inside is warm and smells like soup and apricot candles. I take Youichi into the bedroom and lay him down on the fully made up mattress.
Amazing what a little loan money can do.
I change Youichi into a pair of his new pajamas and slip him under the covers. He sighs softly and nestles himself next to Mr. Bear. I change my clothes quietly in the dim glow of the nightlight plugged into the wall beneath the window. I've grown quiet fond of my jade green silk pajamas I realize as I slip into them. I've grown quiet fond of a lot of things in my new life. My friends that call ever so often, my landlord and his fiancée's endless generosity, my driver even though he's a little stiff, my quirky apartment and all the little knick-knacks I bring into it to make it more homey.
No one would believe that it's the same dirty, dusty, dump Tsubasa let me squat in. Not with its flower adorned coffee table, throw pillow covered couch, spotless bathroom with rugs and towels, and its kitchen smelling like home cooked meals instead of instant noodles. Even I have trouble believing it.
I move the coffee table and pull out the bed from the couch, effectively turning my living room into my bedroom and snuggling up with my bowl of hot soup. Hopefully this will keep me from getting sick after my little stalker session in zero degree weather. I still have Natsume's leather jacket in my duffel bag which guarantees that I'll see him again.
I find myself dreading that encounter after my little touch and go with insanity. I reason with myself that kissing Natsume doesn't count as my first kiss because even though I was very close and slightly tempted there was no full 'lip-on-lip' contact.
And as the saying goes, close only counts in a game of horse shoes.
Not that I've actually played.
There was definitely a tingle in my lips accompanied by sudden warmth just like when I touched his face earlier today. Something is stirring, but I'm not sure what it is. Hotaru's logic is making my head blurry and my own fleeting fantasies of a guy I can trust being a permanent fixture in my life is making me dizzy. I put my half empty soup bowl down on the side table next to the lamp and snuggle under my covers.
The room is starting to spin and even with my eyes squeezed shut, I can still feel like I'm sitting in a spinning tea cup. I try to hold on to a thought to steady myself mentally, but everything is muddled and confusing.
I just want to sleep, but my spinning tea cup head and muddled brain are attacking me at full force. I decide that counting sheep will be the best course of action because it doesn't require much thought and can be quiet helpful getting a restless mind to sleep.
1 sheep…
2 sheep…
3 sheep…
4 sheep…
1 sheep with Natsume's head…
1 sheep with Hotaru's head…
1 sheep with Anna's head…
1 sheep with Ruka's head…
Oh look the Hotaru sheep is chasing the Ruka sheep with a camera and a razor. Silly Hotaru, you can't shave Ruka's wool. The Anna sheep is eating cake, a lot of cake. Anna go boom.
Natsume.
Natsume, stop being a sheep.
Don't go with Reo he's not a real Shepard.
Stop.
Don't go.
Don't go.
No promises because I'm making all this up as I go, but things should definitely get more interesting from here on out. There will be quiet a few time leaps both backward into Mikan's memory and forward for the sake of the story itself.
I'm not exactly sure how to go about setting up the foundation for what I will try to do in the next few chapters, but for me that's the joy of writing!
I promise to start on Ch. 15 tomorrow because right now Chi-chan is running on four hours of sleep and isn't thinking straight.
Could that be the inspiration for my weird ending to this chap? Or maybe I'm setting up for the next chapter?
You won't know until I upload so I'll just torture with the "Why did she do that? Is there a method to this madness? Or is she just mad?"
Hahahahaha
Okay enough of that. Nighty night my duckies.
Lots of love (and lack of sleep)
Chi-chan