A/N: I don't usually do this at the top, but there's some content further ahead that while not intended to be sexual, could come off as sexual. I can't stress this enough, it's for laughs, not to be erotic. This isn't a 50 Shades of Clint Barton fanfic.
"Thor, you are too easily impressed." Loki sighed, pushing his brother forward. Thor was staring contentedly at the large screen, while Loki and the others tried to find their seats.
"Loki's right now sit down!" Maria hissed as she knelt down and put her shoulder bag into the pouch under her seat. "Keep your bag and then sit down." Thor kept staring at the screen. "Oh for God's sake..." Maria snatched Thor's Mickey Mouse shaped backpack along with his Goofy themed Mickey Mouse ears and shoved them into his under seat pouch.
"Thank you!" Darcy exclaimed. "Yes, he was taking forever!"
"Everyone else besides our row are seated. Now sit down before a Cast Member..." Maria grunted. "You know how to push my buttons, don't you?"
In row one, Natasha, Clint, Bruce and Tony were sitting down and buckled up. They could hear Maria talking angrily to Thor. Clint leaned over to Natasha.
"Wonder what's going on." He said.
"Hell if I know." She shrugged.
"Thor's holding them up." Tony observed. "Having the end seat gives me the better vantage point."
"But Thor's been on the Helicarrier." Bruce pointed out. "This shouldn't exactly seem all that strange and new to him."
"Shh!" Tony smiled. He chuckled to himself as he craned his neck to get a better view.
"What is it...?"
"Bird Brain, I said 'shh', now shh!" Everyone remained silent.
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take your seat please." They heard a Cast Member say.
"Nobody dares tell the son of Odin what to do!" Thor growled.
"Please sit down, Brother, you're making a scene." Loki said curtly.
"I'm doing no such thing!"
"I hope he's not going to get us all thrown out." Natasha sighed. "Even so, typical Thor."
"Typical Thor my ass." Bruce muttered.
"What's going on, I can't hear." Clint whined.
"I'll tell you later, now shh!" Tony threw Clint a warning glance.
"Sir, please take your seat, we need to start the ride." They heard the Cast Member beg.
"If you don't take your seat, you and your party will be forcibly removed." Another Cast Member said. There was a long pause as Tony narrowed his eyes in anticipation of what Thor would say.
"Fine."
"Thank you, sir." The two Cast Members walked away.
"What happened?" Clint asked.
"Thor wouldn't sit down." Natasha explained. "The Cast Members threatened to have him-and us-thrown off the ride."
"Yikes." Clint chuckled. "Sorted now?"
"Yeah." She nodded. "He's sat down now. And buckled in, I guess."
"Good. The last thing we need is to be thrown off a ride." Clint said. "Maria would lose her shit if we did."
"You got that right, Bird Brain." Tony agreed. "She would get Nick Fury to come pick us up in a quinjet before you could say 'eye patch'. And he'd yell at us about the ghost of Phil Coulson coming back to haunt us on Friday 13th or some shit."
"It's not like he hasn't done that before either." Bruce said quietly.
Back in the second row, Thor was sitting down with his arms folded and his seat belt on, looking like a two year old child about to have a tantrum.
"Thor, you are a god. Please stop acting like a petulant child." Loki hissed.
"And you haven't ever done this, Brother?" Thor hissed back. "What about the events of both of our movies? What about the events of The Avengers-or Marvel Avengers Assemble as it was known in the United Kingdom?"
"I have no clue what you're going on about." Loki shrugged.
"Fourth wall thing. Never mind." Thor sighed.
"Ooh! The lights are dimming, is it about to start?" Steve asked.
"Probably." Sam shrugged. "I don't know, I haven't done this ride before."
"Soarin' to tower, we are ready for take off." The disembodied voice of Patrick Warburton called out.
"Hey! It's that guy again!" Bucky called out happily. The ride lifted up with a whoosh, causing him to scream and everyone else in the row to laugh. "Yeah, laugh it up." He muttered.
"Bucky." Sam said between his laughter. "This is Disney World. You're not going to die-now open your eyes and look!" He pointed at the screen, showing scenery of the Golden Gate Bridge. Bucky lowered his flesh hand from his face and stared on in awe.
"Whoa..."
"Steve?" Sam asked, leaning over Bucky. "You okay?"
"Sam, it's beautiful!" Steve announced. "I'm flying!"
"Yeah, you are." Sam leaned back in his seat and smiled to himself.
"Where are we now?" Steve asked as a river with canoeists appeared on screen.
"This is Redwood Creek." Sam said. "No more questions, just enjoy the motion."
"Redwood Creek." Steve muttered.
"This is nice." Darcy said. Her arm was locked onto Loki's and her head was resting on his shoulder.
"Yes, it is." Loki agreed as the scene transitioned into orange groves and hot air balloons.
"Aren't the balloons pretty?" Darcy asked.
"Floating balls?!" Thor shouted suddenly, destroying the moment. "What sorcery is this? Is Stephen Strange involved?!" Instead of glaring at Thor, everyone in the row-and some around-laughed.
"I know someone who doesn't think so." Loki sighed. "Brother, stop. You are making a scene."
Back in the first row, Tony sighed.
"Thor's at it again."
"Yep. I heard." Natasha groaned.
"It's pretty funny though." Tony smirked.
"What's Thor doing?" Clint asked.
"Called the hot air balloons in the last scene 'sorcery'." Bruce explained.
"Well, he's not used to our technology yet?" Clint said. "I don't know."
"He was on the Helicarrier and didn't freak out. That was a big achievement then, considering how terrified he is of our tech." Natasha said as the scene changed to Monterey Bay.
"Hmm. Yeah. Never thought about it like that before." Tony said. "Plus Avengers Tower..."
"Why wasn't he scared of that shit?" Bruce said.
"Come to think of it, why is Loki here?" Clint asked. "We just battled him four days ago."
"Comicbook Logic!" Tony, Bruce and Natasha said in unison.
"Yeah, it's all Comicbook Logic. So you just don't question it." Tony added.
"But you're a scientist, Tony, surely you must..." Clint said desperately.
"Comic. Book. Logic." Tony said firmly.
"Comicbook Logic." Clint gulped. "Got it."
In row 2, Maria was enjoying a well deserved break from the Avengers. Or rather, she was ignoring the hell out of Thor and letting somebody else deal with him for a change.
"Where's that?" Bucky asked, pointing to the screen as the scene changed to skiers, skiing down a snowy mountain.
"Uh... Not sure." Sam replied. I'm sure Google will tell me though."
"I love Google!" Bucky said. "Steve showed me all these old videos of the Howling Commandos all available on YouTube and even his old USO shows-the Star Spangled Man With a Plan? Hilarious. Too bad I was too MIA at that time to enjoy it, but I can enjoy it now, at least..." Bucky gushed.
"It's Lake Tahoe." Sam said in monotone.
"What?" Bucky asked.
"The hang glider moved up. I recognized Lake Tahoe. It's Lake Tahoe." Sam explained as the scenery transitioned to cliffs and waterfalls. "This is Yosemite Park, before you ask."
"Wow, guy, you sure know your California." Darcy said.
"It's a favorite holiday spot." Sam shrugged. "Been to most of the places shown so far."
"I bet Tony Stark knows these places too." Darcy said.
"Oh yeah. He's from here." Sam nodded. "Probably been everywhere in this ride."
"I'd like to actually visit some of these places, too." Darcy smiled.
"Yosemite Park is amazing. When I went there, I felt like Pocahontas and actually sang Colors of the Wind." Sam chuckled.
"But you're a dude."
"Doesn't stop you singing Colors of the Wind."
"What's this?" Bucky asked as the scene transitioned to the PGA tour.
"Duh. It's golf." Steve said. "For some unknown reason people really like this sport in this day and age. I don't understand it. I'd rather watch baseball."
"Yeah, me too." Bucky nodded. On the screen a golfer hit a golf ball and sent it flying in the air. "Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!" Bucky panicked and ducked. Steve laughed at him.
"Buck, it's not real. We've seen films like this before. You're from the 1940s, not the 1840s."
"Yeah... I-I knew that." Bucky said, regaining his composure as the scene changed to the Ventura orange groves.
"Can you smell those oranges, Clint?" Natasha asked.
"Yeah. It reminds me of date night." Clint chuckled, nudging Natasha.
"Clint!" Natasha smiled. "Not here!"
"Sorcery!" Thor shouted.
"Yeah I heard that." Clint sighed, the smile quickly wiped from his face.
"Must be confused about the scent." Bruce said.
"It's not even hard to understand. They're just piping in the scent through air vents or something." Tony scoffed.
"Yeah well, we all know Thor." Natasha grumbled. "They don't have this stuff on Asgard."
"And yet they have better technology on Asgard." Tony shrugged.
"Maybe Midgard just freaks him out?" Clint suggested as the scenery changed again.
"Maybe." Bruce agreed. "Surprised lights being turned on and off don't scare him."
"Where's this?" Natasha asked, changing the subject.
"A desert." Clint nodded. "Yeah. A desert."
"It's the Anza-Borrego Desert State Park." Tony said.
"And you know this, how?" Clint asked.
"Bird Brain, you forget I lived in California until I moved to New York back in 2012." Tony replied. "It's just coincidence that it lined up nearly perfectly with the Battle of New York that destroyed a good deal of my brand new tower-thank you Bruce."
"Uh... Loki's fault?"
"Yes it was. He was the one who called down that alien army from a portal in the sky. And I was the one who nuked them all." Tony said smugly.
"Isn't it just weird how when you nuked the mother ship, all the aliens dropped down dead?" Clint asked.
"Comicbook logic."
"And we're back to this again." Clint rolled his eyes and looked at the screen where three fighter jets flew off into three separate directions. "Good how they got the seats to sway as if we were caught in the wake of those jets." Natasha grunted and nodded as the scene transitioned into a military aircraft carrier.
"I bet Spangles is freaking out over this." Tony smirked. "He'll be like 'why is the Helicarrier in Disney World'? And Maria will be like 'Steve, it's an aircraft carrier, not SHIELD!' Or something."
"Why is the Helicarrier in Disney World?!" Steve asked, shouting and panicking slightly.
"Point one for Tony Stark." Bruce said.
"Steve, shut up!" Maria shouted. "It's an aircraft carrier!"
"And point two to Tony Stark." Natasha laughed.
"So it's a military thing?" Steve asked.
"Yes it is, Captain America." Darcy said.
"Oh." Steve said, before straightening up in his seat and saluting the screen. Bucky followed suit, leaving everyone around the pair looking confused and thinking they were insane.
"I know this place-we're in Malibu!" Natasha said as the scene transitioned into surfers at dusk.
"Bingo." Tony said. "I used surf here all the time before I got kidnapped." Natasha, Clint and Bruce all stared at him with their mouths open. "What?" He asked. "Can't a guy have fun in a way that isn't building and/or maintaining robots?"
"I just didn't know you surfed, is all." Natasha shrugged.
"Same here." Bruce agreed.
"You just don't strike me as the surfing type." Clint shook his head.
"I gave up after water gave me panic attacks. About then I started working on Mark II, so it all worked out in the end and now I know you guys and both saved the world and almost destroyed it."
"Okay." The scene changed to nighttime. "And this is LA." Clint said. "I ran a mission here shortly after Budapest."
"You know, you two go on about it all the time so cough up. What did happen in Budapest?" Tony demanded. Clint and Natasha shared a look before bursting out laughing.
"That stays between us." Clint smiled.
"But let's just say it involved Nick Fury's eye patch, Bobbi Morse's batons, one of Clint's hearing aids and Phil Coulson doing his best MacGyver."
"Bobbi Morse?" Tony raised an eyebrow.
"Eh. You don't know her but she's an agent of SHIELD."
"Okay. Girl named Bobbi."
"She and Clint got it on..."
"No, she was married then!" Clint protested.
"You totally did!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes you did!"
"Hey look, Disneyland!" Clint pointed at the screen where Tinkerbell was flying high above Disneyland and waving her wand.
"Is it... Christmas?" Bruce asked.
"Probably Christmas in the year 2000." Natasha replied.
"Why 2000?" Clint asked.
"Tiny fairy! You shall bow to the son of Odin!" Thor yelled.
"Third time in ten minutes." Tony sighed.
"Wow." Natasha muttered. "Fireworks!"
"Why are we venturing inside the explosions?!" Thor yelled as fireworks spread around the screen.
"Fourth." Bruce corrected.
"Yeah. Maybe he should've eaten more." Natasha added. The screen turned to black and everyone began clapping as the seats were lowered to the ground. Tony shrugged and clapped along, prompting Clint, Natasha and Bruce to clap along too.
"On behalf of our entire flight crew, thanks for Soarin' with us." The disembodied voice of Patrick Warburton said. Clint rolled his eyes as the lights turned on. "To unfasten your seat belt, push down on the red button on your right." Everyone pressed the button at the same time resulting in a lot of clicking. Clint raised his hands to his ears.
"Clint, you okay?" Natasha asked.
"Fine, Tasha. Just the clicking interfered with my hearing aids." Clint explained.
"Have a great stay here at Epcot, or wherever your final destination may take you."
"Yeah, I get it." Tony growled. "That guy's getting on my nerves, damn Patrick Warburton."
Clint knelt down to the ground to pick up his backpack from the under seat pouch and stood up when he pulled his phone out. He noticed he had a few missed calls and even more missed texts. When he saw who they were from, his eyes widened.
"Tasha." He whispered. "Tasha!" He whispered loudly and nudged her.
"What, Clint?" Natasha hissed loudly. Clint let out a low growl and showed her all the missed calls. Her expression changed to one of worry. "Any idea why he would call so often?" Clint shrugged. "We better get this to Maria."
"And what are you lovebirds doing?" Tony said, teasingly.
"Discussing plans for tonight." Natasha said.
"Dinner plans?"
"Other plans." Natasha clarified.
"O-other...?"
Natasha wrapped her arms around Clint and held him close to her. "Clint Barton is such a sex machine that he makes me feel like a dirty little whore..." She said seductively. Clint let out a low moan.
"No! No! No!" Bruce put his hands over his eyes.
"For fucks sake Natasha!" Tony yelled, shielding his eyes with his arm. "There's kids present!"
"What's going on here?" Maria asked. She and the others walked towards Tony, Bruce, Clint and Natasha. "I heard shouting." Clint quickly held his backpack in both his hands, over his front. "You'd all better get your asses out of this theater if you want not to be banned from Epcot."
"Maria..." He squeaked. "I can't move."
"Why not Clint?"
"Because... I..."
"Oh my God, he's got a boner!" Darcy shouted, pointing at Clint who blushed a bright shade of red and readjusted the position of his backpack.
"So I take it from the color of your cheeks that she's right." Clint gave the faintest of nods and Maria put her head in her hand. "Barton... I can't trust these guys. But I could always trust you. What about this ride gave you such a raging hard-on?"
"I wouldn't call it 'raging'..." Clint muttered.
"Barton!" Maria shouted.
"Tasha!" He answered quickly.
"Romanoff..." Maria growled.
"I'm confused. What's going on here?" Steve asked.
"It appears that Clint has an erection." Bruce replied.
"An erection?" Steve blushed.
"You know, when your dick makes happy time in your pants..." Tony began.
"Pitching a tent..." Bruce offered.
"I know what an erection is!" Steve said loudly. "You don't think I ever get aroused?" A Cast Member approached the group.
"I'm sorry, but the next group is entering, please you have to leave." He said.
"My friend's having a bit of a problem with his shorts and another member of our party's trying to sort it out." Bruce explained. All of a sudden, Maria hit Clint hard over the head with her shoulder bag.
"Ow! What the hell?" Clint stared angrily at Maria, rubbing his head. "What was in that bag?"
"It's better if you don't know." Maria said, peering into the bag. "Now has your stiffy gone away?"
"Yeah." Clint nodded sheepishly.
"Good. Get out." Maria said, pushing Clint towards the exit. "And the rest of you, hurry." Everyone rushed towards the exit and left the theater into the corridor back to The Land.
"That must have been really embarrassing for Clint." Bucky said.
"You're telling me." Steve said. "Remember that one time we went out dancing..."
"You mean I went out dancing, you just watched." Bucky smirked.
"I wouldn't smirk if I were you." Steve smirked while Bucky's quickly wiped off his face.
"Steve, no!" He said panicked.
"Relax, Bucky. I'm not going to tell anyone."
"So your genitals are the same as us on Asgard." Thor said loudly.
"Thor!" Maria hissed. "Shut up!"
"Why? Do you Midgardians not like talking about your genitals?"
"Thor, there are children present!" Tony whined loudly, running his hand through his hair.
"Should I talk to them about my genitals?"
"No!" Everyone roared.
"That is really... Not a good idea, Thor." Loki said.
"Or any kind of idea unless you want to spend the night in a jail cell." Bruce muttered.
"What is so wrong with discussing genitals with children?"
"I think the bigger question is 'what isn't wrong with that sentence', am I right?" Tony chuckled.
"As joke-y as it sounds, Tony's right. You don't talk about your manhood to kids." Maria said.
"Do I discuss them with grown women or other men?"
"Grown women, not unless you're dating them like you are with Jane and grown men, also not unless you're dating them." Maria groaned, shaking her head.
"Or you got a boner like Clint." Tony added.
"Stop it, Tony!" Maria said firmly as the group passed through the Child Swap. "Thor, this just isn't a decent subject to talk about, okay." Thor nodded. "Alright, if anyone wants to go to the bathroom, this is the time." She pointed over to the bathroom in the corner and most of the group rushed over and went into the men's bathroom-Darcy into the women's. Clint and Natasha stayed behind.
"Maria?" Clint asked.
"This better be good, Barton." Maria snapped.
"I've had a dozen missed calls from Coulson." Maria's eyes widened in shock.
"Is he okay?" She asked.
"We don't know." Natasha replied. "We just know that he tried to contact Clint dozens of times while we were on Soarin."
"Dozens...?"
"There were texts, too." Clint explained.
"Can I see them?" Maria asked. Clint handed her his phone and she began to look through it. She lifted the phone to her head and played the last voicemail.
"Cuh-lint! Tis me! Yer best bud Philly-Bear! I... I-I thin I may be a bit durnk. Come get my babas we in... Wherver. Byesies!"
Phil was slurring. Maria checked the last text. It read:
FHHNNbckfoej 66666
"He's drunk, Clint." Maria sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Just like in Budapest."
"You and I remember Budapest very differently." Clint said, snatching his phone from Maria.
"He said that to me too, Maria." Natasha shrugged.
"Phil wants you to go and get his kids." Maria said. "Presumably because now he's too drunk to even stand, let alone look after two children."
"But I can't leave the Avengers..." Clint whined.
"I'm giving you and Natasha special permission to go this once, understand?" Maria groaned. "And only because it's an emergency. Phil's not an alcoholic, but he doesn't drink for a reason and that reason is, he can't handle his alcohol. Now go." Clint and Natasha ran up to the escalator and let it carry them up while Tony approached Maria, looking at them.
"Where are they going?" He asked.
"A friend of theirs came here and got drunk. He's a single father and that means there's nobody to look after his kids." Maria explained. "So they've gone to look after the kids while he sobers up."
"SHIELD agent?" Tony asked.
"SHIELD agents don't have kids, Tony."
"Is it against regulation?"
"No it's just dangerous and-of course-frowned upon. We're spies. Spies don't have kids."
"Well my dad clearly did."
"And you were brought up in boarding schools your whole childhood, am I right?" Tony hung his head sheepishly. "Yep." Bruce and Thor came from the bathroom next.
"Where's Clint and Tasha gone?" Bruce asked.
"Babysitting, apparently." Tony sneered.
"Tony, behave." Maria said. Tony rolled his eyes.
"Have they really gone to sit on babies? I had gathered the impression that babies were fragile. Unless Friend Clint and Lady Natasha are birds-Friend Clint is a bird, is he not?"
"He is not." Maria sighed. "Babysitting's just an expression people use when they mean that they're going to look after a friend or family member's kids."
"Like when I care for Loki's children!" Thor shouted excitedly.
"Loki has kids?!" Tony and Bruce shouted in unison.
"Indeed! He has four! His sons Fenrir, Sleipnir and Jörmungandr and his daughter Hel."
"Hell?" Tony questioned. "What kind of a name is Hell?"
"The name of a goddess who presides over the underworld." Loki's smooth voice filled the air.
"How long has he been standing behind me?" Tony asked, not wanting to turn around.
"Long enough." Bruce winced.
"Any word of my children to Darcy and I will personally subject you to the worst punishment that Asgard has to offer." Loki hissed.
"Got it pal. But uh... You know..." Tony pointed to Bruce. "Enormous green rage monster." Loki cowered slightly, remembering the 'puny god' incident.
"I like to think we're best friends so uh... Please stop calling me that, Tony." Bruce said.
"But it's working! He's scared of you!"
"Tony!" Maria said warningly.
"Did we miss anything?" Sam asked as he Steve and Bucky walked to the group.
"Loki's scared of Bruce." Tony smirked.
"Ah yeah!" Steve shouted. "Grr! Puny god!" He said, imitating the Hulk.
"Cap, please." Bruce said timidly.
"Oh sorry, Bruce." Steve said. "Didn't mean to." He looked around, noticing something amiss. "Where's Natasha? And Clint?"
"Gone on a mission to look after a friend's children." Maria explained.
"Wow there was a long line for the ladies room!" Darcy laughed. "Hey, wasn't there another woman? And a man?"
"Yeah, they've gone now. Probably for the day." Maria sighed, sick of repeating the story.
"So where to now?" Bruce asked. "You know, now that there's nine of us once more."
"There's only one thing left and..." Maria paused. "Dammit!" She exclaimed. "Clint and Natasha had our FastPass+ reservations!"
"We can sort this out, Maria, now what's the one thing left?" Sam asked.
"The Lion King Circle of Life thingy." Tony replied. "It's up those escalators."
"Yeah, he's... He's right." Maria said, regaining her composure. "Though it's not a 'thingy', Tony, it's a show."
"Lion King? What's a Lion King?" Thor asked as the group walked to the escalators.
"It's a show so maybe something to do with lion taming?" Bucky replied.
"You'll find out soon enough." Sam smirked.
"Lion King..." Steve said thoughtfully. "That's on my list, I think."
"Probably is." Bruce said. "It's a good film."
"So we're going to see the Circle of Life Lion King show?" Tony asked.
"It appears so." Loki nodded.
"Just as long as none of you get... Excited... Again." Darcy said carefully. "Because I don't think I can take much more of that shit."
"Neither can I." Maria muttered.
A/N: Welcome back. Hopefully you didn't find the jokes too bad and next chapter, they'll be exploring the World Showcase! Yay! Only two more chapters left of Epcot!
Also, guess who's coming back next chapter? That's right, it's Phil Coulson! Natasha and Clint will be sobering him up. In my head-canon, Coulson's been too busy with SHIELD to want to bother to get drunk and party (as opposed to someone like Tony Stark) so he has a low tolerance to alcohol.
I don't own any of the Marvel characters or the Lion King or any other thing I may or may not have mentioned in this chapter besides Phil Coulson's kids. Just imagine that the Cast Members are the actual Cast Members who work there.