Chapter 13 : uncertainty, soft-hearted deities and the road ahead

"All of these thousand miles

That's when I run

All of these thousand miles

To get you back"

- Thousand Miles, Tove Lo

—

" Do you really want to go home ?"

The question was a simple one. Jin Ae wanted to go home, that's why she came all this way to Rivendell. That's why she joined Gandalf on this dangerous and violent journey, where she had to ride on a horse's back until her body's all sore, where she had to run for her life from a pack of vicious orcs and where she had to stand next to the man who wears the face of her deceased lover.

She had a life waiting for her back home, she has her father waiting for her by the fruit stalls in Gangnam and her co-workers in the hospital. She has a steady paycheck and a cozy apartment back at home and she wouldn't trade her life for anything, even if it didn't have the man she had wanted more time to love in it.

Then why does it feel as if she's lying when she answered the high elf, why does it feel as if she would rather go back and join the company, why does it feel as if she would risk it all for Thorin Oakenshield?

" Yes," Jin Ae answered, suddenly unsure of herself.

Lord Elrond studied her, his eyes offered her pity, yet she didn't want it. She doesn't even know what she wanted anymore, conflicted and confused, Jin Ae stared at the moon. The cliffside they were standing on was accompanied by the waterfall and the noise nearly drowned his voice from her ears.

" You were sent here for a reason," He explained, " Tell me, do you think your presence in Middle Earth has one ?"

Jin Ae clenched her fists, her mind wrecked by thousands of reasons on why she should go home, yet one voice stood above it all, begging her to stay here. The voice whispered his name over and over again and Jin Ae found it difficult to almost focus on anything else, she watched the ground underneath her feet.

" I made a wish," She whispered, " I made a wish to anyone who'd listen that I'd be given a second chance."

" Someone heard you," Elrond stepped forward, " Someone granted you that wish and that's why you think you're here ?"

Jin Ae thought of a soft-hearted deity looking down at her from above, pitying her as she pathetically wept above Michael's gravestone. Despite everything, it was cruel, to send Jin Ae here and expect her to want to go back, to send her to a world where she was given a second chance to save the man she grew to love. It was everything she wanted and didn't want a mixture of painful memories and fresh beginnings.

She can't just leave her life behind, it's selfish to abandon the people who still cared for her to go after him. Yet, deep down she wanted to be selfish for once, she wanted to put herself first and redeem herself by making sure Thorin Oakenshield doesn't die by the end of this quest. Every hero was bound to meet a tragic end and she was sure the King under the Mountain was no different, from the way he throws himself into death's arms like a desperate lover.

" You want to stay for him."

The voice was too soft to be Lord Elrond's, yet it was strong enough to pull her out of her thoughts. Turning around Jin Ae couldn't believe what she was seeing. If there was one person that would embody the word radiance it would be the elf standing in front of her. Her white gown fluttered against the wind and she outshone the moon, radiating light of her own, a kind of magical glow that soothed her heart. The gentle creature held out both her hands for Jin Ae and she was almost afraid to take it, yet her warmth beckoned the lost woman and she held onto her dainty fingers, relishing in the touch.

She wanted to open her mouth to ask for her name, to introduce herself, yet all words were lost and she found herself admiring the woman. She looked back at Jin Ae kindly, compassion pouring out of her eyes. Elves were truly angelic beings and now she understood why everyone regarded them so highly, this one she supposed, was one of the high elves.

" Lady Galadriel," Lord Elrond greeted, " Thank you for joining us."

Lady Galadriel gave a sweet smile, laughing at the way Jin Ae was frozen in front of her. At the sound of her amusement Jin Ae blurted out a string of apologies, feeling as she if she was a child who had seen a magic trick for the first time. Lord Elrond sensed that they have things they'd like to discuss privately, judging by the way Lady Galadriel was gesturing for him to leave. The lord of Rivendell didn't argue, only when his footsteps are no longer audible did she spoke.

" You must be Jin Ae," Her voice smooth like silk, " The one who wants to go home."

Jin Ae looked down, unable to lie to her, "I don't know whether I want to go home anymore."

"Is that so?" She asked, but she sounded as if she already knew the answer, her eyes all knowing as they held her gaze.

Jin Ae fiddled with her dress, thinking about Thorin's blue eyes, " I have someone here that I want to protect, someone I failed to protect in my own world."

Jin Ae paused, swallowing, unsure of whether she should tell the woman. Yet, she knew that she was someone you can't hide things from, so she exhaled shakily, " Someone I want to stay with. This is my second chance to share the life I could never have with him, even if I doubt that he wants the same. If I can't have that, I want to at least make sure he won't share the same fate as his counterpart."

" You think they are connected ?" Lady Galadriel asked, " They are not the same person, what makes you think you're connected in this life ?"

Jin Ae stayed silent, she didn't know what to make of that, for a split second her heart clenched in worry. Lady Galadriel was right, even if they had loved each other in the past, what makes her so confident that he'll love her in this one?

She had seen the way he looks at her whenever she picks up her sword, the disapproving looks and the irritated ones he gave her when she would argue with him. Yet, she had seen the way his eyes gently cradled her gaze earlier tonight, the way her bid her goodbye with just as much reluctance as herself.

" We are two boats tied with this rope we cannot cut, drifted in the far open sea," Jin Ae recited the poem her father had once told her, " Two ends of one red string. Why else would the heavens grant my wish, if it was not for him?"

Lady Galadriel regarded her words, looking at her with a mixture of sadness and compassion. She touched the side of Jin Ae's cheek, "I cannot send you home out of your own will. You want to protect him and you'll do just that. Join him on reclaiming his homeland and fulfill your wish to save him, only then will your heart allow you to go home, because once you leave there's no coming back."

Jin Ae closed her eyes, " How will I know if I'll ever make it back ?"

" You don't."

Jin Ae thought of her father, wasting away in grief as he waits for his daughter's return. She thought of England and its cloudy weather, of Gangnam and the river in front of her childhood home. She thought of the boots that lined the shelves of her apartment and the pristine walls of the hospital she's working in. She thought of the cars that sped down the highway and the leaves that drifted across the gravestones.

She'll be putting that on the line, all for one man.

" You believe in second lives," Lady Galadriel spoke as a matter of factly, a smile gracing her lips.

Jin Ae knew death was unnatural for Elves; Ilúvatar intended for an Elf's spirit and body to remain united throughout the entire life of Arda. She had read in a book that should an Elf die, its spirit would be summoned to the Halls of Mandos in Aman. Elves who went to the Halls were, after a period of time, typically given the opportunity to be reincarnated into a body identical to the one that died.

This made Jin Ae wonder what the Lady of Lothlorien truly thinks of her wish to protect the reincarnation of her lover, this bittersweet tragedy was something Jin Ae could never phantom in a million years, yet perhaps for elves this was uncommon, perhaps it was even considered as a blessing no one should refuse. Yet, she knew Thorin wasn't Michael, in a way they are their own person.

Either way, this was her second chance or her opportunity to redeem herself; she wasn't going to waste it away.

That was why, before the sun even begins to rise, Jin Ae had already rushed out of her room in a flurry. After hearing from a guard that the dwarves have left, she had bid Aerin goodbye and promised her that she'll never forget their time together, that she'll come back to her once she had fulfilled her quest to bid her one final goodbye. The silvian elf had generously helped her pack, issuing her with plenty of clothes and lembas bread to go for weeks, along with soap that she nearly cried over.

As a parting gift, Jin Ae had given the young elf her lipbalm. It was strange and she had wanted to give something more meaningful, yet Aerin had watched her in delight when she applied it on herself this morning. Jin Ae explained how it prevent her lips from drying and had given it to her, she did after all had an extra and the elf maiden couldn't smile any wider for a usually stoic and stern race. When she ran after Thorin and the company, she had caught Lady Galadriel staring at her from one of the balconies, her eyes glinting as she flashed the young woman a smile.

In her breeches and white button up, Jin Ae sprinted through the rocky pathway, nearly tripping twice. Lindir had caught her on the way out and he had been too shocked to stop Ae had shaken his hand vigorously while breathing out a quick thank you. It had left him in a warm daze, silently smiling to himself at the strange woman.

He knew it would be pointless to stop her, so he watched as her nest of auburn hair disappeared into the road above.

—

Thorin didn't know what to expect when he heard a familiar ( yet irritating ) voice calling out for him from behind the stone path. He paused, not sure of whether he should turn around. It could be his minds playing tricks on him, Mahal knows by this point he might have gone mad from this quest. Yet, the cheers that erupted from his back the sound of Bilbo's laughter were enough to clear his doubts.

She was looking up at him, her hair messy and out of place, the woman didn't even look like one with breeches and a dress shirt. Her hair was a chaotic mess, piling up against her head as she beamed up at him, her grin wide and beautiful.

He ducked his head, wanting to argue with the last word. He replied to her greeting with a scowl, narrowing his eyes at her presence. She knew very well that the last thing he wanted was to have her on this quest, but one look at the woman was enough to tell him that there was no way of convincing her to go back.

" You've had everything taken away from you. No one deserves to live in exile and no one deserves to fight this kind of battle alone, not even you. I may not know you that well, Thorin Oakenshield, but you're a great king and even better, a good one, who'll fight for their people. If I get hurt, I wouldn't want you to blame yourself, it was my decision, I wanted to fight for you. No one can take that away from me, from your people."

Her voice from their brief encounter echoed in his mind.

" What are you doing here?" He asked, making sure of her purpose here. He cannot be too sure or too hopeful.

Yet, he has to admit that he was touched by her admittance and had admired her for it; a sense of respect was starting to brew between him and the woman he thought he'll never see again. A part of him wanted her to be home, the knowledge of her safe and sound back in whatever world she came from comforted him in a strange way. Yet the idea of never hearing her loud and obnoxious laugh was enough to make him squirm in discomfort, the absence of her smile was something he can't deny he'll miss.

The time they shared had been brief and yet he wished that they had been a little a longer, it seemed that Mahal had heard him.

" I want to fight for you," She confessed breathlessly, her chest rising and falling from running all the way here to catch up with their departure. A strand of hair dangled from her lips, her neck slender and creamy as they shimmer under the sun, her clothes sticking against her skin with perspiration.

" I want to be there when you reclaim Erebor," She smiled wistfully, " I want to see the great kingdom of Erebor with my own two eyes, I want to see it rise once more. Please let me join your company."

" What about going home ?" Bilbo asked.

" That can always wait," She stammered out, her cheeks flushing red, " I promise I'll be useful. I'll learn how to use the sword, even if I'll be horrible at it. I'll learn from Balin and treat your wounds."

The rest of her words faded into the background as he watched her in disbelief. She'd throw away her chance to go home, all to accompany him on this quest, this journey that doesn't concern her or whatsoever. She had a home to go to, a place to seek refuge in, yet she chooses to stay here with thirteen dwarves and a Halfling.

This woman must be mad.

" What if I would like to deny your request?" Thorin asked, ignoring the looks his company gave him, "You must know woman, this quest might kill you. There are orcs hunting us and the road ahead will not be kind to you just because you're a woman. We might go hungry, get lost or cross the paths of forces beyond our comprehension. You must learn how to fend for yourself."

"I know that that's why I wish to join you," She seemed to be aware of Gandalf's absence, she knew the consequence of having to travel alone. Yet she crossed her arms and attempted to glare at him, to which she failed. Her cheeks puffed out and arms crossed, it made her look more like a child throwing a tantrum than an angry woman. He looked away; it was amusing.

" We can help each other, I can treat your wounds while you teach me how to fight. I'm a quick learner and I adapt well" She challenged, " I'll do anything."

He ignored the implication of her words, closing the distance between them as he glowered down at the woman, yet she didn't move a muscle, she only frowning back. She resembled a rabbit, he suddenly thought, with her nose flared and beady eyes narrowed. A very determined and irritating rabbit.

" It's pointless to argue with you, is it, woman?" Thorin leaned forward, whispering so the rest of the company couldn't hear them.

She tiptoed to reach the side of his ears, playfully grinning, "You should know that by now. What are you going to do about it?"

Thorin stepped back, giving her an exasperated look. She knew she had won this time, her arms by her hips as she gave him a smug look. He turned to Kili, who was looking at him differently. The rest of the company held their breath, waiting for their leader's decision.

" Balin," He said bluntly, " Give her the contract."

The company let out a sigh of relief, collectively crowding her, their words reverberating throughout the rocks as they congratulated her. He could see her hug Bilbo, their intimacy making him turn around to the road before him. It was frustrating, to see someone like her, a woman who had no sense of decency. Yet, he supposed no woman with any shred of decency would go on such voyage.

He caught sight of her staring at him with that blasted smile across her face as she looked up at him the same way she gazed up at the moon that night. He wanted nothing more than to shout at her to go back to Rivendell, he could command her to do it, and he could send her crying back to the elves where she would most likely throw herself into the arms of an elven ranger to seek consolation.

Yet he didn't and he cursed at himself for not doing so.

He shook his head, staring onwards.