14.
The weekend went by normally; I didn't hear or see much of anybody. I saw the kids from the orphanage of course, but they don't matter all that much. In fact ever since Chris came along their words dont sting as much. I'm not sure what Chris said to Ms. Sarah, but she knows something happened. She's been keeping a close eye on me, but other than that she hasn't said anything to me, so I am praying she doesn't know otherwise I can expect a visit from the therapist, which trust me isn't a good thing.
When Monday rolls around everything is normal, other then the ache in my shoulder and puffiness under my shirt where my bandage is. Sam doesn't come to school which is a blessing, so I am feeling pretty good. Or so I think it is until I see Chris taking off his lunch tutoring to hang out with Amber. I am 'talking' with Cameron heading to lunch when we turn the corner and see Chris and Amber talking and eating lunch leaning against the lockers in front of the cafeteria.
"I suppose…" The rest of my sentence dies in my throat and my foot steps slow until there is none. I want to look away but for some reason I like to torture myself and my eyes swallow the scene without even chewing it so it hurts as it goes down.
"That's what I am saying! And she's all crazy about having her parents not getting her a car! She's just a spoiled brat. Why'd you stop walking?" She waves her hand in front of my face, and then follows my stare. Amber is crawling on top of Chris, trying to take advantage of him sexually, but Chris just smiles and pushes her away from him, planting a kiss on her cheek. It is such a gentle, cute and kind gesture, so why do I feel so sick to my stomach? I bite my lip and close my eyes to take a deep breath. Chris never took off a lunch to just hang out with me; we always did work during our lunches together. He and I always were very close, so why do I feel like I'm in a completely different universe as him all of a sudden? Can't he see that Amber is just doing this because I, being her enemy, can't possibly have a good relationship with a hot guy? I know if their relationship continues Chris wouldn't be able to talk to both of us anymore. For how is Chris supposed to still be best friends with his girlfriend's enemy? Didn't guys always choose their girlfriends over their other friends that are girls? I feel like all of my worst nightmares are coming true. What happened to my sweet, loveable dreams, where I might not have had perfection, but I had, something that it seems like everyone else deserves to have, happiness? My heart feels like it has been dropped from somewhere high, only to be crushed on the cement below. I tell myself over and over again that Chris doesn't like me that way, but saying is different then believing. Now I am starting to believe. I open my eyes to see Amber feeding Chris, I mean I suppose she has nothing better to do since she isn't eating anything. Suddenly I don't feel like eating anything either.
Cameron puts her arm around me, but I pull away. I hate being touched, the only person who I liked being touched by was Chris, but obviously that's never going to happen again. "Hey come on, let's go eat lunch." Cameron gently says, as if she could push me over just by blowing on me. For the first time ever, Cameron doesn't annoy me; she honestly is just trying to make me feel better. I give her the best smile I can muster, although I know I fail miserably, just like my life. I shake my head.
"Nah, I'm good." I say and turn around to leave, I don't want Chris seeing me, I'm not sure why, I just want to get out of here. I briskly walk, with my head low. I know you are never supposed to look back, but I can't help myself. My head turns the slightest bit so I can see. Chris is looking at Amber, gabbing away, but Amber isn't even listening. Nope, she's looking right at me, with a little quirk on her face and sparkle in her eye. She mouths a word to me, I can barely make it out, but I somehow do. Goodbye. My heart turns into a cold hard fist despite the fact that anger is making burning its way through my flesh. I whirl around the corner and lean against the wall, hidden from view. I hug my chest, trying to fight past the pain that has inflicted itself on my heart. Chris, the last person I believe in, the only person I had as a real true friend, Chris my first and only love, gone. Whisked away by that very monster that seemed to fill my life with more doubt than humanly possible.
Come on Miranda, you've dealt with worst pain than this. But had I really? At this point I would rather torture then feel what's going on the inside. I couldn't put a bandage my heart, not when Chris was that bandage. This has been the only pain that I haven't welcomed in a long time. It feels like someone is ripping and shredding me up inside. I hear raspy short breaths, and after a while I realize its me. I feel as though someone has taken all my air, and it's all I can do to keep breathing. Whoever said you can't die from a broken heart is horribly mistaken.
The searing image of Chris and Amber kissing enters my mind. Chris's soft, smooth lips pressed up against Ambers artificially colored, puffy ones. If it is possible, which I'm not too sure it is, my heart burns even more, then suddenly everything turns cold. I am left with an eerie numbness, and a hallow spot, right where my heart should be. I stand against the wall, a creepy broken smile snaking its way on my lips. I stand like that, smiling, eyes lost just like my soul, and when the halls start clogging up with people, I touch the floor with a crazy grace as I make my way to class. When I go to work, the same unholy smile still plasters my face, and when I get my pay check for last weeks earnings, I still feel as lost and crazed as I had earlier today. I know I probably shouldn't, but after work I walk to the ATM, exchange the check for cash, and wander my way to Chris's apartment and slip the money under his door. I skip all the way to the orphanage, in the dark, where anyone could grab me and kill me. At this point, the thought just buzzed in and out of my head with a happy glow around it. Is it weird that, that thought makes me absurdly happy? The brisk November air leaves me cold and numb, and it is hard to tell if I even exist, because I feel the same on the inside and outside. When I arrive at the orphanage Ms. Sarah yells at me for being so late, but I just smile and look around as if I can't hear her. Finally I am told to go up to my room and I do so and sit on my bed, swinging my legs, as though I am the happiest girl alive. You and I both know better. When the clock strikes three, the darkness finally encases me in its, numb, lonely arms.
Oo00ooo
When I wake up, the moon is still up, and dawn is barely casting its bright shadow across the world. Five am, great another hour until I need to get ready and only two hours of sleep. Ugh, now I'm going to be tired for my history test and I might be too tired to tutor Chris.
All of a sudden, the events from yesterday come rushing back, so fast it makes my head pound. That hallow thing in the middle of my chest? Yeah it turns out it isn't so hallow, because with every memory of Chris comes another sting, another ache, another stab to the heart, until finally it all melts together into a fist of shame and despair. I bring my hands up to my face trying to hold in all of the sorrow. However, when my hands reach my face, I am shocked to find my cheeks already slick with tears. The more I want to stop crying like a pathetic baby, the more the tears seem to fall. I know what to do to stop it. Before I even know what I am doing, I am in and out of the bathroom with a razor in my hand. I crawl back into bed, only to make a deep thin cut across my wrist. I know how to miss the vein, I consider myself an expert, it seems like the only thing I can do right is hurt myself. No wonder why Chris never loved me the way I love him, I can't blame him, for how can I expect someone else to love me when I don't even love myself?
The agony in my chest is momentarily forgotten as the blade tares through my skin, instantly causing it to sting. The razor cut is nothing compared to the blade in my heart, so for an instant, I feel relief. The tears dry on my face leaving it feeling stiff. I watch as the blood dribbles down my arm, only to finally splash onto my comforter. I quickly dab at the blood, not wanting to leave any proof other then the scar on my wrist. Too soon the sting subsides and all is left is the horrible torment. I clutch onto my night shirt and pull on it, trying to tear it apart…trying to rip myself apart. I lean over so my face is in my comforter and I let out a scream, trying to release some of the anger and strain, but it is useless, nothing can rescue me from this torture.
Finally I give up; I hide the razor in my drawer, knowing I am going to use it later. I mop up my blood and throw away the evidence. Just as soon as I finish there is a knock on my door.
\ "Miranda, honey, time to get up! Come on, god has given you another gift of another day." Ms. Sarah's sweet as a cupcakes voice, seeps from the crack underneath the door. I hear footsteps moving away from the door and again anger boils to the surface. Another gift my ass.
"Hey god, if you really want to give me a gift, why don't you give me the present of death?" I say nonchalantly to the empty ceiling. I smirk to myself when there is no response, that's what I thought. Who knew that after so many years of praying, the result is this miserable excuse for a life? I get on my clothes, a pair of too-big jeans and a blue zip-down sweatshirt. I take precautions and put makeup over my fresh cut, making it sting again. I look into the mirror on my far wall as a cruel grin steals my lips and my bed-head hair gives me a look of craziness. My eyes are bloodshot, and lips are chapped. I could pass as a mentally ill person, and well, I am kind of mentally ill. To myself I look possessed, to the rest of the student body I will probably look like I'm having a bad day, and to Chris I will probably look mournful. So I brush my hair, put on some chap stick, and slap my cheeks to put some color in them. Now I just look helplessly tired, the other students wouldn't give a second thought about it, and Chris…well I'll just stay away from Chris. Stay away from Chris, its better that you forget about him and stick to your original plan of sticking to yourself, not letting anyone close. It is for the best. How is it possible for the best to make me feel like the worst?
Oooo00000ooo
I hear the bell ringing, making me nearly jump out of my seat. What the hell? Hadn't class just started? I look down at my notes only to find an elaborate drawing of Miranda. The drawings eyes look exactly like Miranda's even down to that sad look that seemed to always be present, hovering around the pupils. The details of each hair follicle gently curving down and ending right at the tip of her breasts amaze me, as I gently finger the parted lips of the drawing. Even the curve of the woman's neck in the picture mimics Miranda's. I beam despite myself and trace the outline of the face, the cheekbones, and the slight bend of the nose. When did I draw this! I don't remember anything of it. I sigh and quickly snap my binder closed before anyone could see. I already have a girlfriend, a very pretty one at that, and my thoughts still seem to fall back onto the same subject of Miranda. I mean I need to just like Amber and Amber alone, I can't let my heart wander wherever it wanted to. I am only going out with Amber to get my mind off of Miranda, and yet Miranda is on my mind more than ever (which is pretty impressive let me tell you).
But damn I miss her so much! I haven't talked to Miranda in over a week, and when I catch a glimpse of her, she sneakily snakes out of my way and ducks behind a corner so I can't even look at her anymore! At least during wellness, math and science I can watch her all I want and she can't get run away. Still, I want to know why she is avoiding me, and every time I get close enough to interrogate her, Amber somehow gets in my way so I have to look over her head and watch as Miranda scurries away. I also am not so sure if Amber is the best person to use to get over Miranda. Like seriously all this girl wants to do is get inside my pants, and every single time I see her, I usually can only make out a single phrase before her lips are on mine. It is actually getting quite annoying and I often found myself often trying to avoid her.
I stand up and quickly sweep everything off my desk into my backpack before throwing the slim bag over my shoulder. I sigh and drag my feet to the door, only to get slapped on the back by Dan, one of the people from Amber's circle. "Hey man! A couple of the bro's and I are going to skip class and chill at the back of the school. Would you like to join?" Chill, . smoke some pot and weed, possibly get a little drunk, before wandering back into school again an hour later. A tight smile raises my mouth.
"No thanks, I need all of the review I can get." I say, glancing down the hallway, wanting to get away from him. Not that I don't like Dan, it's just he reminds myself too much like the old me, and honestly it makes me a little nervous. Dan gives me a punch on the arm, but it's a little too hard to be playful. I resist the urge to rub my shoulder.
"Oh come on! I hear Amber really wants to see you…I also hear you two are going to put on a show." Umm, eww? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I give Dan a cold glance that would even make the old me proud.
"Yeah, you can count me out on that one." I start to walk away before Dan can say anything else. I think I am safe from the 'chilling' until during the middle of the class someone pokes me on the back. I turn around to face them; it turns out to be Greg, a dorky kid, who is pointing to the back window. And there in all of her glory is Amber, and that's not even the best part. Not. Once Amber see's that she has my attention, she gives me a seductive look and sexually rubs her hand in between her legs. In front of the whole freaking class. Thank god the teacher doesn't see, for he is too busy on the white
board, solving a math problem. I feel myself blushing madly, wanting the embarrassment of Amber to end. But it doesn't. It gets worse. Amber fogs up the glass with her breath and writes in the foggy part I need you NOW. I gulp, give her a nod, praying she will go away, and watch as she blows me a kiss and skips on her marry way.
Everybody's eyes are on me, but my eyes only fall on one person. Miranda. Her eyes widen for a moment when she realizes that my gaze has fallen on her, and for a second she holds my stare, neither one of us able to break the magnetic force between us. For a second I get a taste of the pain and misery swirling in her eyes, before she looks away back at her paper, with cheeks blushing furiously. I can't be comforted by her anymore because by then a curtain of hair blocks my view. I watch Miranda the whole time, even as I raise my hand, it's awkward because she is behind me (my last name starts with an F hers with a J), but that doesn't stop me.
"Chris what is your question?" My math teacher sighs, the annoyance and tiredness shining in his eyes. My eyes only flicker to him once, then go back to Miranda.
"Can I go to the bathroom?" I ask, assuring myself that I won't be more than a couple minutes with dealing with Amber. In all honesty I don't want to be dealing with Amber, I want to be dealing with Miranda, at least she's worth it.
"Make it quick." Mr. Smith grunts and goes back to the board. I watch Miranda as her eyes raise to meet mine again. It's like her eyes are pleading me not to go, pleading me to stay, here, with her. I wish it is her that I am leaving to go find. However, I can't stay here, in this constant place of torment, of always having to stop myself before touching her or kissing her. I can't live with loving her forever and then later in life watching as she falls in love with some other guy. I need to save myself before I can't save anyone anymore. I give her an apologetic look and do something that I never thought I would do.
I leave her alone in a time of need.
I storm out of the room and sneakily exit out the back door. Not that it's hard to, everyone is in their classes and the teachers aren't exactly smart when it comes to these things. I stomp into the 'hangout' place, and try to ignore the smell of weed and smoke. Amber is there, dangling a cigarette between her finger tips. I make a disgusted face, I never liked the idea of smoking, and it made you smell gross, besides all of the chemicals that go into the actual cigarette. I crinkle my nose a little before glaring at her little happy face. Because of her I had to leave Miranda behind.
"What the hell was that?" I nearly yell. Amber takes a drag on her cigarette before smiling at me, smoke coming out from in between her teeth. She looks like a demon, an over glamorized demon.
"What ever do you mean?" She places her cigarette between her teeth, and 'fixes' her bra, making her boobs spill out from her shirt. My eyes dart away from her cleavage; it disturbs me that she just throws around her private parts like everyone wants to see. I cross my arms.
"What do I mean? I mean that you just tried to seduce me in front of the whole class. You embarrassed me in front of my classmates, friends, and Miranda!" Ooops, I didn't mean the Miranda piece to slip out. That was a mistake, but I cant reverse the past, and Amber needs to know she just cant do that in front of everyone. Amber frowns, rolls her eyes, and takes one last drag before putting out the cigarette. She stands up and puts her hands on her hips.
"Okay first of all, you're classmates loved that. Second of all, why does Miranda," Amber spits out her name like it left a bad taste in her mouth, "get her own category!" Amber walks up to me and gets in my face. Out of the corner of my eye I see Dan and the other kids stand up and slowly close in around me. Amber's lips are centimeters from mine. She harshly grabs my shirt and tightly grabs at my hair. "Let me remind you that I am your girlfriend not that…that tamp! I can make you feel things she can never make you feel." I am about to ask her what she means by this, but then she yanks my hair back so my face is facing the sky. She rubs her hand under my shirt over my chest and bites my bottom lip. Trying to seduce me once again. I push her off of me and scowl at her.
"I need to get back to class." I say and walk away, annoyed knowing that nothing got through to her other then the Miranda snip it. I walk into school and rub down my clothes and hair. Before the doors swing close I hear Amber say something that makes my blood boil.
"I told you we would give you a show."