Hey hey, getting towards the end now, only three chapters after this one. Songs: Love Song - P!nk, Be The One - The Ting Tings
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The mash off was over. Finn had outed me. The ad was going to run next weekend. My life was potentially over. And I didn't know who to turn to. Brittany was out of the question. Even though we were talking again, she still seemed distant. Quinn would get me to talk about all my feelings. And I just wasn't ready for that. So I was left with one option.
Puck.
So there I was, at Pucks house, doing shots of tequila. When I arrived earlier that evening, tears down my face, he didn't ask any questions. He just stood aside from the door, let me in, and got out the bottle. We'd barely spoken ten words since I'd gotten there, Puck knew me too well. But I knew it would come up eventually.
The bottle was 3/4 full when I arrived. There was about 2 shots left in it.
"Puck, I..." The words got stuck in my throat. I still wasn't ready to say it out loud. Saying I loved Brittany to Quinn was one thing. Saying out loud I was gay was completely different. I took another shot, letting it burn my throat.
Well, here goes nothing.
"Puck, I'm a lesbian. I'm in love with Brittany." He took his shot and bit into the lemon slice. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something.
"What?" He looked confused as he spat out the rind.
"Well, say something." I whispered. "Please say something."
"Like what? Like ask you for a threesome?" I gave him a questioning look.
"San, we all know you love Britt. Like, really, all of us. It was pretty obvious to me that you liked girls. Hell, you're the only chick who's been cool with watching porn during sex, and you always went for the lady porn." I blushed. Was I that obvious? I thought everyone watched porn during... And what's wrong with not wanting to see some sweaty guy?
"San, we all love you, no matter who you love." He pulled me in for a hug. I could the tears swelling up again.
"Stop being so sappy, you're making me cry again."
"So, how about that threesome?" I swatted him as I pulled away.
"So, what are you gonna do about getting Britt back?" He pours us each another shot. I paused, not knowing my answer.
"I thought you liked Eliza?"
"I do, but I also don't wanna see my 'Tana upset." He used to call me that when we dated. I smiled.
"Well, I don't know, what would you do, oh wise puck-a-saurous?"
"I'd made some big gesture, like sing in front of glee club for her."
"Don't think I'm quite ready for that yet."
"Ok, lets go to her house, right now, and you sing for her." I tilted my head back, and slammed back the last of the tequila. I had just enough alcohol in my system that this seemed like an amazing idea.
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My phone vibrated next to me. It was late, really late. Eliza was already asleep. She didn't even make it to the end of toy story. I rolled over so the light would be hidden, and opened my phone. Santana's name flashed up.
"Come downstairs."
I slid out of bed and put on my slippers and a jacket. It was still warm out, so I didn't really need it, but I didn't really feel like walking outside in my pj's. I quietly made my way downstairs and out the front. Santana was standing on my front lawn, swinging her arms nervously.
"Hi." I said quietly. She lifted her head and looked at me. She'd been crying, I could tell. Even though she'd redone her makeup, I could tell her eyes were a little puffy. She opened her mouth, but instead of talking, she started singing.
"I've never written a love song
That didn't end in tears
Maybe you'll rewrite my love song
If you can replace my fears
I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?"
She walked over and took my hand, I didn't pull away.
"There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself
There's this well of emotions
I feel I must protect
But what's the point of this armor
If it keeps the love away, too?
I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars"
She'd started crying again, and I could feel the tears on my face too. She hasn't sung like this to me since she sang songbird to me last year.
"Baby, can I trust this?
Or do all things end?
I need to hear that you'd die for me
Again and again and again
So tell me when you look in my eyes
Can you share all the pain and happy times?
'Cause I will love you for the rest of my life"
"Britt, I need you, so, so much." She pulled me in for a hug. I didn't fight it, it felt so good to be in her arms, it felt right. I breathed her in, that smell that was Santana. Her shampoo and her perfume and... Wait. I pulled away to look at her.
"Have you been drinking?"
"What? No? Just a couple." I pulled myself away from her.
"Santana, I can smell it on you. Tequila."
"Britt, I needed to let you know how I felt. It's been such a shitty week for me and I realised that I need you so much Brittany, I can't survive without you."
"So you thought you'd show up at my house at night, off your face, and tell me to come back to you?" I wasn't yelling, but I wasn't too pleased with her either. Her eyes went wide, and she was scrambling for words.
"Did you think of me during this brilliant idea? That I might be sleeping? That I might not want to serenaded by a drunk? That Eliza might be over?" Her eyes flashed with shock and realisation. She looked up at my window, which was still dark.
"Is she up there?"
"That's not the point San, the point is your still only thinking about yourself." I turned away from her and put my hands over my face. Now I know why everyone rubs their hands on their brow. I thought this was it. I thought she was finally getting it.
"Do you even know how you made me feel? Over the summer? And back at school? You couldn't even look at me. And how I feel right now? You come over with all these confessions, and then I find out its just the booze talking."
"I know, I was a shit person. I was trying to fight my feelings for you because I didn't want to be different. I saw what happened to Kurt, and I just couldn't deal. But if not dealing means that I lose you, then I can't do that either. You're my everything Britt. And I don't care who knows."
"And what happened when you sober up, huh? Will you still feel like telling everyone then?" She looked at her feet. No answer. That's what I was worried about.
"Look, San, I love you, I love you so much that when you pull stunts like you did over the summer, it hurts more than I think I can stand." I took her hand again and she brought her eyes back to mine.
"You need to show me you're ready for this. That you're ready for us. When you can show me that, then we'll talk. " I turned and walked back to my house. It was so hard to leave her there. I just wanted to melt into her hug and let her have me. But I knew I needed more from her. Or else we'd just be back at square one.
Instead of going in the front door, I walked around the back to the yard. I sat on my sisters swing set, worried for a second it would hold me, but everything seemed to be holding together. I could hear music building in my ears. I knew no one else could probably hear it, and I once again wondered if it was just me that all these special effects work on.
"You say, it's not what you do
It's what you're thinking of
Well, I think it's just an excuse
It's what you put across"
I wasn't even sure if I knew the song I was singing, but the words all seemed to be in my head.
"So make sure you're thinking it through
You've let me down again
Offer me something
I know you really meant
'Cos I don't wanna be the one
Only overjoyed
Yeah, I don't wanna be the one
Making all the noise
Yeah, I don't wanna be the one..."
"Britt, honey, why are you outside so late?" My mother came out the back of the house in her dressing gown. I wonder if she heard me singing?
"I don't know Mom. I'm just so confused."
"About Santana?" How did she know? Did she see her out the front? I looked at her confused.
"We're your parents Britt, you may think we're past it but if it comes to our children, we're strangely tuned in." I nodded, yes, this was definitely about Santana.
"I just don't know what to do. I still love her, so much, but after the summer, I just don't know if I can trust her again."
"Trust is a hard thing honey. When it gets broken its hard to rebuild. But, if you love someone that much, then it's always worth a shot."
"But what about Eliza? I can't just leave her. She's been amazing since the day I met her."
"That's where I can't tell you what to do love." She wrapt her arm around me. "You have to go with your heart honey. I know sometimes your heads says otherwise, but you have to do what feels right." I nodded into her shoulder, and let her guide me back inside. When we got to my room she gave me a hug and went to bed.
I silently closed my door and got back into bed with Eliza, my back to her. Her arm went loosely around my waist.
"Hey babe. You ok?" She mumbled.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just go back to sleep."
"Can I ask you something?" Her head nuzzled into my shoulder.
"Yeah?"
"Do you..." She yawned, "still love Santan..." I didn't know what to say. It's not that I didn't know the answer. Of course I did. And I'm sure I wouldn't never stop. But I couldn't tell her. Not in the middle of the night with her arms wrapped around me. But, I couldn't lie. Not when Eliza has been so honest with me.
Fortunately, I felt El's breathing get heavy, and I could hear her quietly snoring.
"Yes," I whispered. "I still love her."
I pulled the donna up around my chin and I tried to be as quiet as I could as I cried myself to sleep.