Episode 14: Shrewtooth, Rowanclaw, Shellheart

Leafpool danced around the stage, listening to something on her iPod. When she caught sight of Tansy wildly waving her paws, she yanked her purple earbuds out. "Sorry, everyone! I was listening to a song about tractors! I just love tractors, don't you? The only problem was this song was about a John Deere tractor, but I like Kubotas and Farmalls. Classic tractors from the 1950s rock! Anyway, here's another episode of Win a Date with Nightcloud! Let's all give some enthusiastic applause for the wonderful, lovely host- Nightcloud!"

"Thank you for that marvelous introduction," the black she-cat growled sarcastically. "The whole world doesn't need to know about your love of tractors."

"I love tractors, too!" Tansy called. "Go Farmalls!"

Leafpool smiled smugly at the host. "See, Nightcloud, Tansy's a country she-cat, too! Tractors are great!"

"Whatever. Just tell the audience who we've got locked in steel cages- I mean soft quilts made of butterfly wings- backstage."

"Today we've got Shrewtooth, Rowanclaw, and Shellheart on the show," the announcer meowed.

The three toms padded slowly onto the stage, giving the announcer strange looks.

"Tractors are dangerous," Shrewtooth meowed. "You should see what one did to my cousin."

"Never mind that!" Leafpool snapped. "Nighty, start the questions!"

Nightcloud shook her head. "You haven't told them what they're playing for yet!"

The tabby-and-white she-cat snorted angrily and looked at her pink notecard. "Fine. Today's prize is taking Nightcloud to 'The Tractor Emporium' to buy her a classic tractor, courtesy of Barely the barn cat!"

"But I don't want a tractor…" Nightcloud meowed. "Oh well. At least I don't have to pay for it. Anyway, it's time for the questions. Here's the first: If you had to live in another Clan, which would it be?"

Shrewtooth tipped his head to one side. "I think ThunderClan would be pretty cool. I mean, it was ThunderClan cats who restored SkyClan, so they must be good cats."

Shellheart nodded. "I say ThunderClan, too. They may think RiverClan cats are fat and lazy, but I'd love to climb trees and chase squirrels!"

"Well, I think ThunderClan would be nice, too," Rowanclaw mewed. "Tawny misses her brother, so I keep suggesting we move back. Those mean cats who bullied her as an apprentice are dead now and Bramblestar's the leader, so I think she'd be welcomed back. I'd just go with her because I love her."

"Aww…" Nightcloud sighed. "You're so sweet, Rowanclaw. The answer was supposed to be WindClan, but since Rowanclaw said he'd move just be make his mate happy, he wins the round!"

Leafpool stopped doodling a picture of her kits to draw a pink tally mark next to the ShadowClan cat's name. "That's a point for Rowanclaw!"

"Question two: How much do you hate Brokenstar?"

"Hey!" the security guard cried. "I'm not that bad! I'm doing community service, aren't I? I already have twenty-eight of my million hours complete!"

Shellheart glanced over at the tom. "I feel sorry for you, Bud. You'll never get all those hours done." He turned to face Nightcloud. "I don't hate him. I don't really know him. He was like…really young when I died. He wasn't evil then."

Shrewtooth nodded. "I didn't know him when he was evil. He doesn't seem bad now, so I can't really say that I hate him."

"Same here. I was just a little kit when he died," Rowanclaw meowed. "I didn't become an apprentice until Nightstar was a ruler. That was a really long time ago, even before I was listed as a girl in the allegiances. Which, to be honest, I find to be a bit weird. I was mentioned as a girl in Midnight and Moonrise, but a tom in Tigerstar's Fury, which happened before Midnight."

"Rowanclaw, this show isn't about gender changes," Nightcloud meowed. "Then we'd have to have Mosskit and Gorsetail on the show, too."

"I changed genders!" Shellheart reminded everybody. "I was a girl in that book about Bluestar, but a boy in the one about my son!"

Tansy sighed loudly. "Seriously, just answer Nightcloud's questions! No one cares about all those gender-blender things. The authors messed up. We get it."

"So who gets the points for this question, then?" Leafpool asked.

Nightcloud thought for a moment. "Um…all three of them, I guess. None hate Brokenstar, and he hasn't tried to kill me in the past moon, so I don't hate him right now either."

"So that means Rowanclaw has two points, Shrewtooth has one point, and Shellheart has one point!"

The host nodded, studying the whiteboard. "There's still time to determine a winner. Question three: What is the worst warrior name ever?"

Rowanclaw answered the question first. "That one name that one ThunderClan cat thought he'd get. What was that…um…Berrystumpytail?"

"I think Crookedjaw is an awful name," Shellheart answered. "I still can't believe Rainflower made our leader changed Stormkit's name. Isn't she cruel? She's worse than Millie!"

Shrewtooth answered last. "I think that Deadfoot had a horrible name. He started life out as Hopkit. Why did his name have to be changed? What cruel cat makes someone have the prefix 'Dead'?"

Nightcloud sighed. "I don't know. That was cruel. Same with Rainflower. All three of you get a point!"

"Rowanclaw is still in the lead with three points, while Shrewtooth and Shellheart have two points!" Leafpool announced.

"We have time for one more question," the host meowed. "Okay…if you were in a zombie apocalypse, what would you use for a weapon, shelter, a zombie-killing partner?"

Shrewtooth's eyes widened. "What kind of question is that?"

"We let the audience submit questions," Nightcloud explained. "Just answer it."

The skinny black tom still looked confused. "Well, I guess I'd use peanut butter as my weapon, I'd shelter in a rabbit's warren, and I'd choose Leafstar as my partner- but don't tell Billystorm I said that!"

"He's probably watching the show. Everyone watches this show," the host meowed.

Rowanclaw replied next. "I'd use Barney as my weapon. He'd sing songs about cleaning up and that would annoy the zombies to death. Probably. Tawnypelt would be my partner!"

Shellheart answered last. "I'd just throw Rainflower to the zombies and run for my life."

"Ha! That serves her right!" Nightcloud laughed. "Hm…give Rowanclaw and Shellheart a point, Leafy!"

Leafpool drew pink tally marks on her whiteboard and counted the final score. "We end up with Rowanclaw having four points, Shellheart having three points, and Shrewtooth having two points!"

"That means Rowanclaw is our winner!" Nightcloud announced.

The ShadowClan deputy's eyes widened. "Okay, I'll take you to buy a tractor, but I need to say something to the camera first."

Tansy zoomed the camera in on the tom. "Tawnypelt," he began, "I am so sorry I won. I'll buy you a tractor, too. I know you want a new Kubota because Tigerheart crashed yours into a tree when he was distracted by Dovewing. Please don't be mad! Oh, and could you make pizza for dinner? Love you!"

"You are so weird, Rowanclaw," Nightcloud meowed.

Leafpool, happy to be done with the episode, began singing. "Well she's not into cars or pickup trucks, but if it runs like a 'bota, man her eyes light up!"

"Ahhh!" Brokenstar cried, running at the scorekeeper and whacking her with a bag of Patchpelt's Magical Prunes. "Stop singing about tractors!"

Tansy turned the camera toward herself. "This is certainly an odd show. Sometimes I wonder how random it's going to get. Stay tuned for the next episode!"