Dark Elixir

By MoneyTunes10

Chapter Fourteen

Annotation: I'm trying to get through the inevitable valleys in life, so thank you for your patience with me throughout this story and any of my other stories that you may be reading…

As many of you know, I had to send PMs instead of review replies because of a glitch. There were a few people who hadn't enabled their PM setting so I couldn't send a personal thank you.

Please keep in mind that although this story is written in third person, it is not third person omniscient. It is important in considering the characters and the view in which this story was told :)

The swing where it all started…where she first met him…where their mothers introduced them…

As usual, Isabella was at a disadvantage on the fateful day she was introduced to Edward… she knew little about the tousle-haired boy before her, but Edward knew who she was.

He had heard the adults talking about Renee, Chief Swan's prodigal wife. His father had grown close to the Chief when Renee took Charlie's only child with her on her quest for self-discovery. Carlisle Cullen helped his now dear friend through his grief of losing both his wife and child. And when said wife and child returned, they were happily accepted back by Chief Swan and the Cullens. Yet Renee barely stepped outside of their home with her daughter, which made Esme reach out to her to allow their children to have a play date.

So here Bella stood on her first play date with Edward wishing she'd asked her mother more about the boy she was about to befriend.

It was Renee's decision that made Edward take notice in the first place; the mystery that she had inadvertently created by leaving and returning to Forks had sparked an interest for Edward. His gaze was fixated on the small dark-haired Bella before him, like a scientist with a new species… he wanted to know everything that was in that pretty little head. Bella remained awkwardly twisting her hands and shuffling her feel, unable to look this intense boy in his eyes during his assessment. She did not falter when he pulled her onto the double swing and started rocking them back and forth... The summer breeze whisked her hair around her face while his fingers grazed her cheek, exploring his new playmate… his new person…

Bella sat on that very same swing, unsure of where to start, how to expound all the years of interactions between them. How did she go about purging her system? She could feel him there standing before her, a guilty prisoner awaiting his trial. Her eyes flickered to the shirt covering the evidence that was inked into his skin. Maybe that was the most appropriate gateway…

"When were you going to tell me about the tattoo?"

Edward shrugged; he remembered arguing with Alice about it… he was being a recluse from the torment he felt after learning of Bella and Riley. He remembered the needle as it pierced his skin, sending minute shockwaves of agony as it permanently forced him to acknowledge the hard journey that he committed to.

"Ok, I guess I'll try another method, why did you get the tattoo?" Bella was tired as she massaged her temple in a failed attempt to prepare herself. Riley's pain concerning the breakup was weighing heavily on her and she needed to get some answers from Edward.

"It was a promise, to myself…to you." Bella shook her head, this was absurd. His voice was so calm, steady and unyielding…never relenting any emotion. She kept her eyes locked onto his shirt, as if she could see the words on his skin.

"Esme's going to kill you for this"

Edward shrugged… "I'll worry about her later…Bella, you're stalling."

"And you're not giving me strait answers. Why would you even get a tattoo like that?"

"Of all the shit we need to address, you really want to talk about the fucking tattoo?"

"Ok Edward," her eyes finally locked with his, flashing with anger and disgust, "why did you fuck everything that moved in Forks, huh? Why didn't you ever give us a chance?"

Edward laughed humorlessly, "I think you're taking erroneous liberties when you described my relationships Bella."

"Oh! Is that what you called you fuck-fests, relationships?"

"Well the short version is that we couldn't be in a relationship; I wasn't ready and you weren't ready."

"Bullshit!" Bella stood up abruptly from the swing, causing it to hit the back of her legs harshly. She was exasperated with Edward's calm demeanor…she wanted to crawl out of her skin and inside his… maybe that way she could get answers from the inside out.

"Stop giving me these fucking bullshit excuses and tell me why you did all the things you did…to both of us!"

His eyes darkened in anger, like thick black oil spilling into a mossy green lake. He was aware of Bella's innate ability to lock unpleasant things inside, to 'forget' that certain experiences or even events occurred in her life. She was just as skilled in manipulation as he was… except that he extended his talent to others and she restricted it to herself.

Her stepped closer to her, meeting her anger and hate with his frustration at himself… at the situation and at her asking, no begging for him to unleash the pain. She wanted to expose him and he had someday anticipated this but he would return the favor. She was no victim in all of this…

"I'll stop the bullshit when you do... I've never hidden my behavior nor apologized for it because that's who I motherfucking am. I fucked those girls because I wanted to. They knew that, you knew that and I knew that. I didn't fuck you because I did not want to! I was, am and will be in love with you. And when I say that you weren't ready and I wasn't ready for a fucking relationship, that's what I mean."

Bella's slap resonated in the backyard as her hand connected with his face. Her eyes were tingling, ready for the tears to fall. She held them at bay, "who the fuck do you think you are! Who are you to tell me that I'm not ready for a relationship? All those times you stopped me from going out, was that what you were trying to prevent? You didn't want me to meet anyone?"

Edward hadn't flinched when she hit him, even as the blood pooled beneath the surface of his cheek and the sting of her abuse left a bitter taste in his mouth. Yet his voice remained low and deadly, his words coiled and waiting, ready to strike at the heart of the matter, "did I ever physically force you to stay at home? No. You could have told me to 'fuck off' and went on your merry way. News flash Bella! No one can make you do what you don't subconsciously want to do."

"You egotistical asshole, you think I wanted to sit at home waiting for you, while you went out with your friends!"

"I don't know what you wanted Bella! You didn't know what you wanted! You fucking stopped trying to figure that out after your parents died!"

Bella pushed him with all her force, causing Edward to stumble backward. "Don't drag my parents into this! They have nothing to do with what happened between us!"

"Are you fucking kidding me! They have everything to do with this. You were so breakable after they died and yet you didn't shed a fucking tear. You just locked up all your feelings inside of you."

"Please… please… please…" A chant for mercy whimpered from her lips. Clemency from the pain that he was tugging into the present… reprieve from the memories that she needed to keep at bay…

Edward's fingertip grazed her cupid's bow… he had done this the first time they ever kissed and even now his made their familiar trail…

Her eyes were pressed closed as he touched his lips to her forehead, her cheeks, her collarbone…

He wanted to kiss her from top to toe, to take away the pain that was only beginning.

"Bella? Did you ever wonder why mom started to separate us?"

Bella felt the hot angry tears rolling down her cheeks… why was he doing this… why did he want her to remember?

"You were clinging onto me for dear life, trying to keep your head above water. Not wanting to deal with your grief. I was the one responsible for making you laugh, for cheering you up, for everything… I was a ten year old boy and I took on that responsibility… but you want to know the fucked-up part? I wanted the responsibility. I wanted to be the only one to make you laugh, the only one you told your secrets to, the only one you ever showed affection to. That's how we were. Don't you remember any of it? Or is it in that vault you call your mind? Bella, it got so bad that you only spoke to me and you would not sleep unless I was next to you. They had to put us in the same classes or you would go catatonic… please tell me you remember."

Edward closed his eyes, listening to the air leave and return from her lungs. She had to be honest with herself and remember if they were going to have an honest conversation… he had been villianised for too long. She needed to acknowledge her part for any progress to be made… she had to see through his eyes. How she took, how he gave, how they learned to become incapacitated without each other.

Bella shook her head as memories of the past struggled to resurface. The drawer that she locked those years in started to rattle. The first slip through the cracks was of her preferred coping skills…

She became impressionable after her parents' deaths; her sense of self became flexible and her rigid self-image dissipated at a young age. She allowed Edward to be her guide as they grew, him being her only… a powerful and enormous burden for anyone…

He became her hope when she couldn't breathe… all the love that Charlie and Renee could no longer give her was not sought from Carlisle and Esme, but from ten-year old Edward… and he gave her love… abundantly, innocently, purely. He was all she needed.

When she had nightmares, he held her closely and wrapped in his arms, she felt like the hole inside her was almost gone. Her young mind had even conjured up an image of Edward crawling inside her and filling the gut-wrenching void that her parents left inside her.

So as she shared her fears, telling him everything, and releasing the truth to give herself wings and gain freedom through her words, she failed to notice how she captured him. Flying high, she did not notice how those same words bound Edward to her…

With the new life that he gave her, with the love that she felt through her stifled suffering, with the strength that he used to hold her up, he had morphed into this Edward.

A sob wrenched itself from her soul…

"It wasn't my fault; don't say it was my fault that you're like this."

Edward grimaced, "it's not about blame, it's about understanding and acknowledging how we got here."

Edward remembered the changes that he underwent during that time... where Bella was concerned, his definition of ethics became fluid, shattering his moral compass. Right and wrong changed according to the situation at hand. She was too fragile and too dependant on him for him to be restrained by society's rules.

At first, he didn't know what to do… but then Edward became a blank page for Bella, waiting for her to give him an indication as to what she needed him to be. From the outside, it was eerie to see him as he anticipated everything she wanted and needed. Even more disturbing, his execution at meeting her needs was flawless... A mirror of her perfect counterpart… absorbing her prompts and returning the ideal complement. He felt like he was eating her alive, taking all the secrets, hopes, and suffering that she gave until her dependency on him became addictive. She morphed into an integral part of him as he immersed himself with her.

Edward sighed at the intensity of those memories, "you know I used to feel like I was poisonous to you. That it was wrong to feel such innate ownership of another human being… but I couldn't stop... and soon I stopped caring if it was right or wrong. My love for you was so intensely selfish that I felt like I could devour you in your entirety. It was fucking scary Bella, I wanted to inhale you, I wanted to suck out your soul and chain it to mine. I wanted to infected you; I wanted to permeate your skin… I wanted to be to you what you were for me."

The next memory slipped through as Bella absorbed his words… she remembered a younger Edward's piercing eyes that were unsettling at first, but because of his unwavering loyalty, she did not mind that he could puncture her very soul.

"I lived for you and I thought you lived for me..." He took a deep breath before continuing, "Mom noticed and she started to separate us... I was so mad at her…I thought, she was trying to take you away from me. You started to talk to other people and I fucking snapped. That's when I began to push boundaries; how concrete were those lines that people drew in their lives? Could I make mom change her mind? Could I make you change your mind? That's when I told you not to go out. I tried to get you to hang out with my friends so that mom would stop trying so hard to separate us."

Just going back to those days were angering Edward, "She couldn't see that it was a fucking Band-Aid, that you needed to grieve for you parents even though you refused professional help and pretended like you were normal. They started to put us in different classes until you and I had no classes together. And you kept pretending like the shit they were doing was just fan-fucking-tastic!"

Maybe it was at this young age that Edward first acknowledged that they were different. The care, love, selfishness and self-centeredness that they created when they were together, only increased with time... until Bella pulled away. It was like they were the only ones like this. He had even begun noticing how his brother interacted with Rosalie or how Alice and Jasper were… they were never as intense. It was terrifying and daunting to realize that their relationship was unique; even his parents, who had been married for years, seemed to be able to temper their feelings… it left him feeling alone in uncharted waters.

"Edward, you need to stop trying to make this all about how I didn't deal with my parents' deaths. This is about you and me and why you wanted to be with other women but not me!" Bella stood taller now, trying to steer the conversation away from those painful thoughts. She wanted straight answers, not distractions.

"You didn't hear anything I said, did you? You were fucking broken and you needed me, so I was there. Then you fucking pretended to be fine when mom stepped in and you no longer needed me at that point! Or at least you pretended to not need me. Tell me Bella, how could I have a relationship with you when we were both fucked up in the head because of how it all started?"

Bella only flinched at his harsh words, she didn't back down, "that didn't mean that you had to go sleep around! We could have worked on getting better together!"

"You think I didn't try to convince you to get help? I've tried for years Bella. Mom's tried, Dad's tried, even Emmett stepped in when you didn't want to get your license. And you just acted like it was normal for a teenager to not want to drive. And I didn't see the point of getting help without you… then I said fuck it when you started pushing me away… I tried to get over you with those other girls… I thought if I could move on, then you could too and maybe you would get help. But I couldn't give you up…"

Bella was stunned as Edward hurled everything at her, pleading as he recounted their life from his point of view. She kept revisiting all her memories… was her recollection that marred by her refusal to cope with the most life changing moment in her life? He was trying to move on but he wanted to keep her stagnant? She was so angry…

"…you're fucking terrified of getting behind the wheel… the tiniest of whimpers escapes when you get in a car… when my parents leave to go out together in the same car, you have a mild panic attack…and you never acknowledged it…" He shook his head sadly. "Then you started fucking accusing me of being overbearing. I became what you needed and when you were done with me, you were prepared to discard me and look for the next person to make you forget the grief you never dealt with…like a fucking parasite."

Bella sneered at his words, "Oh I'm a parasite! Then what the fuck are you?"

"I'm in love with you, that's what I am. That's how I became to define myself and I tried so fucking hard to break that, to be more than that… because when I was with anyone else and even when you didn't want me, I still wanted you."

Edward looked defeated now, tired of it all… "Bella I fucked those girls and pretended they were you, I pretended that you wanted me and that you and I could have a relationship. Because the truth was too hard, that we may never be capable of having anything. That you could not heal, no cure, no elixir and I too would remain wounded, waiting for you in perpetuity. I wanted a relationship with you, I wanted everything you had to give and what was left after that too. I wanted it all but we were too fucked up to have anything healthy… we still are... if I had even tried, we would destroy each other…"

"I got the tattoo because I would always want you. I had to stop pretending because even if we couldn't be together I still loved you and I needed you to be part of my life. I had to start showing you…"

Edward was closer to her, staring intently at her waiting for his words to permeate through her walls.

"You've hurt me for a very long time." Bella's voice was soft as she acknowledged the truth.

"I know."

"But I've hurt you too…I made you this way." Edward shrugged. He couldn't find it in himself to regret anything.

This love between them seemed too bright…too powerful and it burned them to ashes until they had nothing to give to anyone else… but it was their love… rare, dangerous, all consuming, and relentlessly unavoidable.

Bella felt exposed, not vulnerable… just naked. All the walls had been stripped, Edward's revelations had triggered more memories than she was prepared for and they approached her mind with silent steps, like a thief in the night. She had fallen from the perch she stood on; always thinking that Edward's dominance was of his own making. She was weakened with this knowledge, never to rise again. No longer the risen phoenix… unable to leave the fire of their love… she would always burn for Edward.

They had simultaneously created their co-dependence and until they got help, they would have an insatiable need for each other. She wanted to get help…right? Why was she so afraid of getting help… of healing from her parents' deaths? Was it because it would mean that they were truly never coming back… that she was an orphan in the truest sense of the word?

In truth, Bella was afraid to be happy; she'd been sad for such a long time that it was all she knew… all the other emotions were frightening. Happiness, love, friendship… they were all terrifying to endure because at any moment, they could be taken away… even Edward could be taken away from her.

She studied him, still unsure of how to explain that her need to have other relationships should not have been interpreted as a rejection. Maybe she truly had discarded him… distanced herself from him because of her fear of losing him. Still it did not excuse his actions with those girls…

Edward could see the spiraling questions in he eyes, "Bella please talk to me."

She closed her eyes to deny him access to her soul, "I don't remember rejecting you or discarding you… I mean you were the only one that didn't make me feel alone in the world and I was terrified when you were taken away from me. If I lost you, there would be know one to hold me together, so I started to talk to people... and the more people I tried to befriend, the more girls you dated. You had your friends, who were always on your side…even when you were wrong... and I had no one…"

"My friends…they were always urging me to work through things with you even when you isolated yourself from them, from everyone really. Sometimes they felt that I was forcing you to be around them and you didn't want to be there, but they were there for you too Bella."

"I never felt like they were my friends, they were yours so how was I suppose to confide in any of them."

"They are only 'my' friends because you categorized them as such from the beginning…they could have been 'our' friends."

Bella shrugged. He was right; she had never made an effort to befriend them. Jacob Black was the first person she had successfully befriended.

"You may not have seen it as a abandoning me, but when you started to need other people, I just felt like you were done with me."

"We really do need help huh?" Bella looked past Edward. She had never even considered seeking help, even when she had been offered it many times throughout the years. Now that she was confronted with her past, she had to think about how her love for Edward had been birthed out of a twisted self-sacrificing need. That same love was affected by the hurt and jealousy she felt when she saw him with others. She saw what they did to the people around them, their love had burned so many people in the process; the carnage was a testament that only they could withstand the fierce devotion… his relentless domination and her demand for an endless attachment. They needed help…

When Bella returned her gaze to Edward, she could see the fallen angel with a broken halo that she had turned him into; heavenly in appearance and charming when necessary but not sinister as she always painted him to be. She was the one who broke him, brought him to his knees. The confident, manipulated person she knew was at her mercy this entire time. Now that he repeatedly expressed his obsessive love for her, she realized that too had an unhealthy submissive love for him.

"I can't simply accept that you slept with others while you claim that you loved me, I don't care what the excuse…"

"I know, I've never asked you to accept what I did Bella. I could only do what you allow me to do. What do you think I'd do if you told me to 'fuck off' after you heard about the first girl? You think I'd do any of the shit I've done?"

Bella studied him... he would have stopped. But that wasn't good enough because even though he had accused her of playing the victim, it was his decision, his actions.

"I shouldn't have to tell you that it's wrong to fuck someone else when you're in love with another. The depths of your feelings should have been enough to stop you."

"Oh is that why you decided to fuck Riley Peters? Because when you started dating him, I felt my world unfurling… like my anxiety had morphed into intense pain. I think it was because I felt like I had lost control of you, because I knew that he could never love you like I did. Then I just got angry…how dare you defy me, wasn't it unthinkable for you to chose to exist without me?"

They were getting into dangerous territory, where they were resorting to blaming each other. Their emotional momentum from calm exchanges to accusing shouts was draining.

Bella sighed and shook her head, "I think you're a sociopath."

"Probably." Edward didn't look offended or surprised by her accusation. He'd accepted that he was abnormal a long time ago.

"I was with Riley because I wanted to feel what I felt for you with someone else. I was trying to fight what was happening to me because in all honesty I thought I deserved more than a man-whore as the love of my life. I was in denial…"

"I agree… you do deserve more. That's one of the reasons I made a promise to myself. I was waiting, trying to let you have that fling with Riley so you would realize that I was the one. Seeing you with someone else made me realize that we needed to try to have something together. I didn't have to be the 'bad guy' to your 'victim.' We could just be…Bella and Edward… broken, damaged and scarred with our distorted love. I was hoping that after things went bad with Riley, I could convince you that we could fix things."

Bella shook her head. He made it sound so easy but she felt overwhelmed at the prospect of finally realizing that there was something salvageable from their relationship. There was so much to tackle. The deep issues she had to explore concerning her parents, the feelings she had for Edward…so much that she had to think about and get through…