Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Suggested Listening: "Frozen Creek" by Circa Survive, "Right Outside" by Anthony Green, "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by the Cary Brothers, "Distractions" by Sia (live version)
Embry POV
In the almost 18 years of my life, I was never the person who made rash, irresponsible decisions.
In fact, it was kind of the opposite.
People trusted my judgment. They trusted me to make the practical choices. It's because I had to grow up before I should have been expected to. That's what happens when your raised by just your mom, when she's never home because she's always working and you're left to take care of the house, to take care of her. That's what happens when you become the man of the house about the same time you learned to walk.
It didn't always make sense to me, but people have always trusted me to guide them, to be there and make sure everything goes the way it should. I was reliable, a logical choice to shoulder responsibility, according to many people in my life. They never asked – they just assumed I would handle whatever it was they asked of me. Usually, I did. I didn't complain much. That wasn't in my nature either.
I was the person Sam came to when everyone else wasn't paying attention, the one he asked when he needed a second opinion on a decision that had him on the fence. Paul was too volatile, and Jared and Quil never took anything seriously. Seth was too young, and Leah? Well, Sam usually just tried to avoid Leah whenever he could.
The only other person Sam trusted to that point, the only other person he asked for such advice, was Jacob.
But he wasn't around anymore.
Now it was just me, carrying again a heavier load than I should have. But still, I didn't complain. In this case, I didn't want to as I slowly walked up First Beach, watching the back of her head bob back and forth as she took turns looking in front of her and at the sand, making it a point to stay at least six steps ahead of me, although I could have caught up with her if I really wanted to.
No, I wouldn't complain, because now, it was all I still had going for me.
All those other things? I didn't feel any of those things anymore.
I didn't feel responsible. I didn't feel reliable. I sure as hell didn't fell logical. All of that disappeared with one action, an unexplainable kiss accompanied by feelings even more unexplainable.
I wasn't sure what happened. I couldn't explain that either. All I knew was sitting there on the beach, next to Bella, watching a million different emotions pass through her eyes as she looked at me, listening to the words she spoke directed at me and no one else, something shifted. Maybe shifted wasn't the right word – something changed, something became blatantly clear. Almost like clouds parted, like I was seeing her through eyes I never knew I possessed.
And when I kissed her I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to feel what she was feeling, the happiness and trust she was describing. Maybe it wasn't the best way, but my sudden bout of clarity had me leaning forward and, as I watched her eyes widen by such a tiny amount, I could not stop.
I could not stop.
And I knew I shouldn't have done it the moment my lips touched hers. When she didn't move, when she froze against me, the regret and the fear shot furiously through me – so much so, I almost pulled away.
Almost.
It wasn't until I was about to, it wasn't until I was about to do everything in my power to convince her to let me take it back – her friendship was too important to me, her presence too important – that her lips finally moved against mine.
And everything shifted again. Everything changed again.
I'd kissed girls before. I'd done more than kiss girls before – not many times, times only a few members of the pack knew about thanks to my own strenuous mental efforts – but it was enough to know what it did to me. And nothing before now ever brought out those kinds of feelings from me. In that split second, Bella's warmth, her hopes, her fears – everything I'd been carefully fighting to draw from her the second Jake left came pouring from her in a single movement of her mouth, in the feel of her blazing skin under my hand and in the way her hand squeezed my fingers without even realizing it.
But she did pull away. I wasn't surprised. Honestly, I was a little shocked she let it continue as long as she did, that I let it continue as long as I did. In the two years I'd known Bella, I knew she was prone to overreaction, to overthinking things, and as soon as she jumped to her feet, the breath leaving her in stressed gasps, I knew that's exactly what she was doing.
And I couldn't blame her this time. I was doing it, too.
Despite everything, there was one little fact on the forefront of both our minds. Not a fact as much as a name.
Jacob.
I kissed Bella. I kissed the one person I always knew Jake loved so much he'd willingly put his life on the line for her time and time again, the person he rarely could go twenty seconds without thinking about. Yeah, that was me now – I was that guy. I was the guy who kissed his best friend's girl, the guy who knew it shouldn't have happened but enjoyed it anyway.
I could feel the guilt set in the moment she pulled away, the feeling I knew I'd feel had the situation been reversed and it were Jake in my shoes.
But it wasn't Jake in my shoes. And Jake wasn't here. He left. He willingly walked away from everything – from us and from her.
Still, the guilt and an unfamiliar feeling collided. I could feel the want mingling with the slight traces of regret. The reality of what got us here and what just happened became a poisonous mix as we bypassed the bonfire and made our way toward the tree line, back to where the truck was waiting.
Bella still wasn't past losing Jake. She loved him, and I knew better than anyone right now the latent hope she held for him coming back. Hell, I hoped the same thing each day for the past two months. At this point, if she turned around, pointed her finger in my face and told me to beat it, I would do it. I wouldn't blame her there either.
But at the same time, had she done it, it would have taken everything in my power, every ounce of reserve in me, to not kiss her again.
I couldn't think as we made our way through the trees. I felt like it was crushing me. What was right, at least at this point, and what I suddenly found myself wanting weren't agreeing with each other. Our friendship, our innocent affection we felt toward one another was now a blurry mess of grey. There wasn't going to be an easy way out of any of this, there wasn't going to be a simple choice to make. In just a few moments, we'd already done too much.
I saw it all as we approached the truck, laid out before me in neat little rows – Bella, Jake, Billy's death, the look on Bella's face when he locked her out of the house that night, her tears when he left, the helplessness we both felt in the weeks after, the kiss we shared. It all weighed on me, everything I'd held in the past two months, reminding me of everything the choice could possibly affect.
As I reached the driver's side door, for the first time since I kissed her, Bella allowed my eyes to catch hers. The look in them mirrored everything passing through my head, causing my shoulders to slump and my stomach to wrench as they pleaded with me to make this easier on her, to take it back, despite the small flare in her eyes begging me not to.
Fuck.
She tore her gaze away before I could speak a word, only to swiftly disappear into the truck.
Before I followed, I took a moment, letting my hand rest on the door handle and allowing the other to ball into a shaky fist, bringing it to my mouth as I fought back the urge to turn around, head for the tree line and phase. Running away wasn't going to solve anything, running away wasn't going to make this knotted mess in my head go away or provide a magical solution for what just happened.
If there was anything I'd learned in the past two months, running away wasn't the answer. It didn't make anything easier, because everything you run from is right where you leave it when you get back.
At least that's how it usually worked.
Suddenly, in my case – in Bella's case – I wasn't so sure it would be.
With a ragged sigh, I let my hand drop and opened the door to my truck, letting myself slide wordlessly behind the wheel.
It was all becoming too much.
Bella POV
The half-mile ride back to the house was silent, but the drive – which only took a couple minutes – seemed to stretch on forever.
I played it back in mind, every single moment leading up to this kiss, every second during and even the brief moments after. I couldn't make sense of any of it, though. Where had I gone wrong? What the hell did I say to make him think it was okay to kiss me?
And why, above all else, was there a part of me that felt it through every single square inch of my body?
I resisted the sudden urge to hit my head against the truck window in an effort to clear it, opting instead to let it rest against the glass with a soft thud as I watched the dark trees rush by. The conflict was there and it was more prevalent than the breaths I took. There was one question, though – a question flashing brighter than the others in the swirls of confusion.
How had I missed this?
In the past two months, I was thankful for Embry's friendship. I had grown to care about him and realize what a strong presence he had in my life, even before everything went wrong, before our lives took such a drastic turn. I'd never noticed before, but he'd always been there for me as a friend, watching over me, figuring me out even before our worlds careened horribly into a place we no longer recognized.
Only in the past couple months did the friendship get a chance to bloom, to turn into a relationship we both valued. I hated how it happened, and how it may have never happened had things not played out the way they did, but that much I couldn't change, no matter how much I wished I could. I never questioned the friendship's validity, and I never once thought there was more to it than what appeared on the surface. I never second-guessed my attachment to him and how hopeful I felt – how happy I felt – when Embry was around.
But somewhere along the way, I got lost. Somewhere in the middle of all this – or perhaps it was only a few minutes ago on the beach – I became confused.
Somewhere, somehow, I missed something.
And now I couldn't make heads or tails of what I was supposed to do next. A part of me couldn't shake off the guilt-ridden thought pounding inside my head, screaming at me, telling me the kiss shouldn't have happened – not now, not like this, and certainly not under these circumstances. I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready because I still loved Jacob. The aching in the pit of my stomach proved it, and so did the betrayal I felt toward him when I pushed Embry away. Without the closure I so desperately craved, a huge part of me still grasped to the hope that one day soon, he would come home and I would be here, waiting for him.
I knew something else, though, and it was as equally tangible as I heard the deep, concentrated breaths coming from the driver's side of the truck, even though I refused to look at him. A part of me wanted to know how Embry felt and why he did it. A part of me wanted him to help me figure out why there was a part of me that caught fire when he kissed me, a part almost completely hidden under the instant reaction of shame and remorse.
But I was pretty sure I was ready for the answers to those questions either.
I felt like I was choking on the thick tension in the cab of Embry's truck. I could feel myself shutting down, sealing out everything else, as it became clear neither of us wanted to be the first to relieve the pressure. It only grew worse as he pulled into the driveway of the little red house, letting it amble past the house before it rolled to a stop halfway between it and the garage.
With a barely audible sigh, Embry silently slipped the truck into park, leaving his hand on the shifter, the other resting on the steering wheel. He didn't look at me; instead, he kept his eyes focused on something outside as he stared through the windshield.
My fingers found the door handle, but I couldn't bring them to let me out of the truck. Despite the warring thoughts in my head, a part of me felt like we shouldn't leave things like this.
Apparently, Embry had the same idea.
With a sigh, he finally spoke. "So are we going to talk about this?"
But despite my earlier thought, I instantly felt the seal secure, doing everything in its power to keep Embry out and my massive mess of feelings in.
"What's there to talk about it? You kissed me, Embry – it shouldn't have happened."
I could see his chest rise and fall with labored breaths as he bit his lower lip. Finally, he ripped his eyes away from the windshield and looked at me. The intensity in them, the struggle, held enough weight I could almost feel my barriers crumble beneath it.
"It shouldn't?" was all he managed to choke out.
Averting my eyes, I stared at anything else within my line of sight, things that wouldn't cause me to break. I didn't want to admit to him the small part of me that felt something other than self-reproach and regret when he kissed me.
Whether or not I admitted it, in that moment, I wasn't certain it would change anything.
"No..."
Embry nodded aimlessly as he once again peered out the window. "Bella, I'm sorry for kissing you," he murmured, more toward the pane of glass than me. The words didn't sound sincere, but I knew there was at least a part of him that meant them. "If you want my apology – again – there it is. I wish I could explain to you why I did, but I'm still not sure I know myself."
"That makes two of us," I agreed softly, earning myself another tortured look from Embry. I could see it in my peripheral vision, but I pretended I didn't notice.
Several agonizingly long seconds passed before Embry broke the silence with his soft voice.
"I need some air..."
My mouth dropping open slightly, I looked over and watched Embry throw open the driver's side door, scrambling quickly from his seat and slamming the door behind him, leaving me alone in the cab of the truck.
My lips still parted in dismay, I did the only thing I could think of and the one thing I probably shouldn't have done – I followed him.
Embry was standing several feet in front of the truck, facing the garage but away from me. His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was nervously shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. As I shut the truck door behind me, I could feel the sprinkles of rain starting to fall from the sky. For a moment, I looked up, realizing the crystal clear expanse from earlier was nowhere to be found and was now threatening to downpour at any minute.
"Embry..." I approached him quietly from behind. I didn't want him to think I was angry with him, because I wasn't. I didn't want him to be upset. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what you want me to say."
I heard him sigh as he finally turned to face me, letting his hands fall from his pockets. The disputed, heavy look on his features tore at my insides. "We can't run from this, Bella."
Blinking stupidly in his direction, my mouth fell open again. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"
That's exactly what you're doing. Shutting yourself off, running away.
Same difference.
Embry shook his head as his gaze fell toward the ground. "I didn't say that." After a moment, his stare rose again and caught mine. His eyes were dark and pleading with me. "But we can't act like it didn't happen, that it didn't mean something to both of us."
"It didn't mean anything..." I whispered automatically, my voice almost inaudible.
Embry closed his eyes and he heaved another deep sigh. "Bella..."
He knew something. He'd seen something, and now he was trying to drag it out of me. He was fishing for something beneath the seal I wasn't sure I could give him. "What do you want me to say?" I exclaimed, finally responding to him. "Do you want me tell you it should've happened? Do you want me to tell you it's what I wanted?"
Embry's shoulders rose and fell as he watched me. "Did you want it?"
I froze, not expecting him to so blatantly ask me the one question I feared. "What?"
"Did you want it?"
I scoffed, despite the nagging in my head reminding me there was a part of me that did, a part of me that leaned in when he did, a part of me that felt it completely. "It doesn't matter what I want, Embry," I muttered. "What I want is to not be in this situation. What I want is to go back two months and keep any of this from happening."
"Bella, I'm not asking what you want out of the past. I'm asking what you want right now."
My eyes flitted anxiously between Embry and invisible tree line, impossible to see through the darkness and light rain falling from the clouds. "I don't know," I whispered.
"Bella..."
"Embry, I don't know!"
But I knew what I wanted; I just couldn't say it out loud because when I put the words together, none of them made sense. I wanted to go back and figure out how this happened. I wanted Jacob to come home. Better yet, I wanted to go back to the last night I saw him and make sure he never left at all. And as I watched Embry, I wanted to make sure he'd still be around in the morning. I wanted to know what happened didn't ruin everything.
Another part of me wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss him again...
There was no way to tell him that, though, without it coming out all wrong.
"Bella." Embry's voice interrupted my thoughts. "I know it's confusing as hell, but all you have to do is tell me what you want me to do. That part should be easy..."
I put my hand up to stop him, aggravated in the face of his persistence. "Easy?" I exclaimed, my hands moving to my face in frustration. "You think this is easy for me? Do you honestly believe I enjoy standing here and doing this to you? And to me? Do you really think I'm pretending to not know what I want?"
Embry stood there, without protest, but I continued anyway as I felt the irritation build. "Well, here's a newsflash for you – I don't know what I want! I can only tell you what I don't want – this." I dramatically threw my hands up in the air to prove my point. "I didn't ask for Billy to die, I didn't ask for Jacob to leave, I didn't ask for you to be there for me and I sure as hell didn't ask for this to happen. I didn't want any of this!"
The words cut deep as a buried part of my subconscious tried to push him away, but much to my surprise, an understanding look crossed Embry's face as the words fell from my mouth.
"Bella, I didn't choose this either – but it still happened," he finally said, taking a step toward me as I watched the drops of rain starting to coat his hair and face. "Trust me, I get it – I know how you feel..."
It was then something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the pity I saw in his eyes.
Or maybe I'd simply imagined it.
"Don't!" I took a step back, regaining the distance between us as my levelheaded façade completely disappeared. "Don't pretend for a second you know how I feel. You have no idea what this is like, Embry! You have no idea what it feels like to be abandoned, to be left behind like you don't even matter. And then to be expected to move on, to pretend like it's as easy as you all make it? Well, it might be easy for you guys but this is not easy on me, so stop trying to act like it should be!"
I was fuming, and almost as soon as the words spilled from my lips, I regretted them. When I saw a new look spread across Embry's features, one that closely resembled a look he'd have if I slapped him across the face instead, my insides immediately twisted.
I didn't know why I was pushing him away – I couldn't explain that either, but watching the repercussions of it, I suddenly wanted to reach out and pull him back.
But I didn't. The longer we stood there, the more the rain picked up, falling in large drops from the sky and reminding us that regardless of where this conversation went, it wouldn't continue outside. I wasn't sure if Embry sensed it, too, or if he simply decided he'd had enough, but with a pained look of hurt and disappointment, he took a few steps backward, away from me, as he shook his head in disbelief. Finally, he turned away from me and headed in the direction of the garage.
I stood there, completely still, as he walked away. I watched him take long, purposeful strides, each one separating him further from me. I remained frozen in place, the rain dampening my clothes as I heard him throw open the door and disappear inside the confines of the garage, a warm light pouring through the open door moments later.
This time, I went after him. This time I went to pull him back.
I could have let it go. I could have gone the opposite way and went in the house instead, but I didn't. Instead, I allowed my feet to move in the direction of the garage as I followed Embry for the second time that night.
It only took a few seconds for me to reach the garage door, managing to avoid the growing puddles as I did. Wiping my hair from my face, I quietly ducked through the entrance. Just as I saw the last time I found Embry in the garage, he was noisily rooting around Jacob's workbench, picking up random items and throwing them down in frustration when he realized it wasn't what he was looking for.
As I watched him, it became glaringly clear he was distracting himself. From me? From something going on inside him? I wasn't sure.
I crossed my arms in front of me as I took a couple tentative steps forward. "Embry," I murmured quietly, not sure of the reaction I might receive. "What are you doing?"
Picking up another tool and releasing it with a loud clatter, he shook his head absentmindedly. "There's one last thing we need to fix on the truck. It's nothing big, but it still needs to be fixed before it makes something else go wrong. Figured I'd grab it from here before I left." He picked up a wrench and squinted, trying to find its measurement underneath the sheath of oil and grime covering it.
Taking another couple steps, I could feel my heart plummeting into my stomach. I'd hurt Embry, and I could see it as I watched him. I could see it in the defeated and pained look on his face, and I could see him wanting to shut down.
"Embry," I repeated as I slowly closed the gap between us. "What I said? I..."
With another loud clatter, Embry held his hand up without looking at me. "Don't, Bella. It's fine."
"It's not fine," I assured him, lacing all the sincerity I possibly could in my tone. "I shouldn't have said that..."
This time, Embry furiously gripped the edges of the wooden workbench. He took a couple deep breaths before he used his hands to push back from it, turning around and approaching me in two long, quick strides. My mouth fell open slightly at the sight of his face, a mixture of anger, sorrow and betrayal.
"You're right, Bella – you shouldn't have said it," he spat out, and I found myself taking a step back from him in shock. "You know, I never pegged you for the selfish type, despite what anyone else ever said. But that?" He pointed toward where we'd been outside. "That was selfish."
His words resonated within me and, normally, I would have defended myself. In this moment, though, I couldn't because I knew he was right.
"Is that really what you think? Do you really think this is easy on us, Bella?" Embry eyebrows pulled over his eyes, framing his frustrated expression as he gaped at me in pained disbelief.
My mouth opened, and still, I couldn't speak. I'd never seen Embry like this before. I wasn't sure how to react as a man afflicted by hurt and anger seamlessly overtook the quiet, goodnatured, caring person I'd learned to care for the past several weeks.
Embry shook his head as he, too, took a step back, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as he struggled to collect his thoughts. "Well, let me give you a little glimpse at everything you've missed." His gaze was on me again, his eyes black and glassy. "This has not been easy on us."
Embry ran a distracted hand through his hair before he continued. "I know you don't know what it's like to grow up without a family, but Bella – I never had one of those." His breaths quickened, and I could tell it was becoming hard for him to get the words out. "I never had a father, but it was never really that big of a deal because I always had Billy around." My chest tightened, Embry's eyes now fixed on the floor as he continued to speak. "Do you know who it was that taught me how to do all the things a dad is supposed to teach his son? Who taught me to shave and shoot a gun and how to be a good man who gives to others more than he takes? It was Billy."
I brought a hand to my lips, covering my mouth as if it might contain the grief I felt rise in my throat. I couldn't think as every part of me was focused on Embry's achingly raw confession. My stomach knotted as I watched his face twist in a combination of emotions, the grief coming off his features in waves.
Embry released a haggard breath I hadn't realized he was holding. "Billy may not have been my real father, but when he left, I lost the closest thing I had to one. So did Sam and Paul and everyone else, at least to a point. And Jake? I know you loved him, but he was my brother, Bella – maybe not by blood but it didn't matter. He was my best friend. He was someone I looked up to, someone who was supposed to lead us someday, someone who's been there my entire life, but when it came down to it, he left. He didn't just leave you, Bella. He left all of us."
I could see his guard dropping, a shield he'd so carefully kept around him. My throat constricted as he looked around the garage, still minding carefully to keep his eyes from mine. He couldn't hide from me what was building behind them, though, and it became glaringly obvious how wrong I'd really been.
"But, Bella – it's not just about Billy, and it's not just about Jake. It's about the fact I lost my family – the only one I've ever known – in the span of a few days. I'm surrounded by people but it's overwhelming how alone I feel some days," Embry choked out, the determination wavering in his voice as it cracked. "But I put it all aside, Bella – I put it all aside for you. Not just because I wanted to, but also because they would've wanted me to. I would've never done it another way, but just please..." He stopped as his voice caught in his throat, as the grief he was fighting slowly won the battle. "Don't think for a second this was ever easy for us – for me."
And it was in that moment Embry broke, and when he finally brought his eyes up to meet mine, my heart broke with him.
As I watched his resolve float away piece by piece, as his walls came crashing down, I was overpowered by everything Embry held inside him leading us to this point. I could see everything in his eyes alongside his tears — the depth of his soul, all the things he never shared with his pack brothers, and each part of him I never took the time to notice.
Watching him succumb to the pain of losing the only family he'd ever really known, I could almost feel the crack spread across my heart.
This isn't right. He shouldn't feel like this. He shouldn't feel alone.
I couldn't breathe as I repeated everything Embry said in my head. As I did, my eyes watched the moisture resting in the corners of his, the tears threatening to overflow at any moment. He bit his lip, taking deep, labored breaths as he tried to hold back each one. As I stood there, painfully still, another brick wall hit me as I realized how horribly selfish I'd been about everything.
He was right, and I felt it more at that point that I ever had in the moments leading up to it. How did I let this happen? How had I not seen this? How had it never occurred to notice what all this did to him? The entire time, I accepted his generous support, his warm presence and his constant reassurance as to how much he and the pack truly cared about me, but I'd never once thought of reciprocating what he'd given to me.
He'd never asked for it, but it was now clear why he hadn't and I resented myself for not seeing it sooner.
Despite the noticeable pain, what I lost seemed almost insignificant. I had to make this right. He needed to know I'd be there for him, too. I'd already failed him and I wasn't going to do it again.
He had to know he was not alone.
I stepped forward until there were only a few inches separating us. As I did, I refused to tear my eyes from his as Embry still continued to fight it. He was trying, so valiantly, but failing as he fell apart in front of me, and the reality of everything I never asked him – the things I should have asked him – was laid out before me to see in a strikingly painful display.
I had to make this right. It was worth repeating because he had to know how much he didn't deserve to feel like this.
Which is why I couldn't help myself as I looked into his eyes.
The clarity I'd seen him with on the beach, just before the kiss, returned with a surprising ease. I didn't question it. This time, I let the unfamiliar feelings swallow me almost entirely, embracing them so I could show him how much I cared for him and how he wouldn't have to face anything else alone.
My stomach wrenched as I continued to watch the emotions play across his face, softening his features as he watched me in return. I wanted his full lips to smile, his skin to shift over his high cheekbones, revealing the one dimple I had memorized but never really realized why. His dark eyes spoke louder than any words possibly could.
My hand reached up without my permission and gently pushed back the strand of hair that fell over his forehead. His breath hitched slightly as my fingers made contact with his skin, trailing down his cheek. Almost instinctively, he leaned into my hand as his eyes slowly closed.
"Bella…" he whispered. His eyes reopened and his hand came up to my face, mirroring what mine did as it stroked his cheek. It was my turn to close my eyes as I felt the warmth from his hand spread across my face and slowly weave through the rest of my body. Without thinking, I turned my face toward his hand, brushing my lips against his palm.
This time, I heard him stop breathing.
His scent invaded my nostrils as I felt the roughness of his hand on my lips. His smell was sweet, laced with traces of earth and rain. I also could smell the faintest traces of motor oil, no doubt remaining from the last time he had his hands buried in the truck's motor.
This all took place over the span of a moment. I brought my left hand up and grasped the one Embry had against my face. I pressed my lips to his palm again, kissing it softly. I could feel him tremble as I did, and he still wasn't breathing.
I brushed my lips one last time against his rough hand before letting my eyes drift toward his face. They met his gaze, a gaze that had been filled with pain only moments earlier, but had now been replaced with a dark fire I was not expecting.
In one swift moment, Embry brought his other hand to my cheek, cupping my face and stooping to my height. Before I could comprehend what was happening, his lips found mine with a heat and an urgency that left me breathless. For a few seconds, the shock of it didn't allow me to react as his lips pressed harder against mine. I could feel his fingers grasping at my face as his other hand moved to the back of my neck and gently fisted my hair, begging me to reciprocate something, anything.
For a brief second, a hazy doubt – not as clear as it had been the first time – clouded my senses and my lips remained still. Despite everything, the distant flutter of Jacob's name still resided in the corners of my mind.
But he isn't here, I reminded myself. Embry is.
Shouldn't that count for something?
Sensing my hesitation, Embry removed his lips from mine. In one fluid motion, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my neck, inhaling sharply. "Bella…" he whispered again, his voice breaking slightly. His shoulders shook as he spoke my name coupled with what could only be described as a heartbreaking plea.
I turned my face toward him slightly, burying my nose in his dark hair and taking in all of him. I inhaled slowly before I put both hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him back so I could see him.
What I saw tore my heart from my insides and stomped on it.
The dam had broken. Tears fell down his cheeks and his eyes were once again clouded with grief. I saw then that the shaking of his shoulders had been caused by the violent sobs he was fighting so hard to suppress. He looked at me helplessly, desperately, and my need to comfort him reached an insurmountable level.
At that moment, Embry was my only focus.
Everything else floated away.
I brought my hands from his shoulders and held his face, wiping the tears away as they fell. I felt a tear escape my own eye as I witnessed him unraveling before me. With that, I brought my lips to his forehead and kissed it softly, repeatedly, as I had done to his palm only moments ago. "Shh," I soothed him, just as he had done for me many weeks ago. "It'll be okay – we'll be okay. You're not alone in this, Embry. I promise."
Through my apprehension, I watched as Embry tilted his head up and instead brought his hands back to my cheeks, forcing me to hold his gaze. Another tear escaped his eye and left a wet trail in its wake, which evaporated almost immediately from the temperature of his skin. His eyes bound me to him, beseeching, asking me for a million things I didn't understand.
His plea came verbally in the form of two words.
"Bella, please…"
My stomach wrenched. As I stared into his stormy, dark eyes, the scene unfolding before me suddenly became all too familiar. It was one I had lived through not too many weeks ago, one that – unbeknownst to me at the time – signified the end of a very important and beloved part of my life.
An end I realized, after tonight, for which I could very easily blame myself.
Somewhere, somehow, a little part of me snapped at the sound of those two words and the unproven implications they carried. Somehow, me standing before Embry as I tried to comfort him became about more than what I planned and what I felt.
I didn't wait for an explanation from him before I leaned forward, capturing his lips with mine. This time I didn't protest – this time I was the aggressor. I molded my lips to his and wrapped my arms around his neck, not wanting to allow any space between our bodies. I wanted to hold on to him and him to hold on to me, hoping desperately he wouldn't let me go.
Embry responded with an anticipation that startled me, but I welcomed it by opening my mouth against his, allowing his tongue to graze mine as he deepened the kiss. I could feel the curiosity I held earlier being fulfilled as his hands knotted in my hair, sliding down the length of my back and up again. He nipped at my bottom lip before hungrily taking it into his mouth as his fingers ghosted down the length of my jaw line. I couldn't breathe as a long-silenced heat built inside of me.
Still, it wasn't enough. I needed to be closer to him.
I hitched one leg up and as if on cue, he hoisted me up and I wrapped both legs around him as his hands moved under my thighs to support me, his lips never leaving mine. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, forcing his lips to find solace elsewhere. My breath hitched as he trailed scorching kisses down my jawline to the length of my neck. "Embry..." I sighed, my voice barely audible above the frantic beating of my heart.
As soon as his name left my mouth, he swallowed it by crushing his lips to mine once again. The warmth within me started in my stomach before it spread wildly throughout the rest of my body as I felt one of his hands slide beneath my shirt, tracing circles on my back with his fingers. His other hand held its forceful grip under me.
I was losing myself, slowly, but I barely noticed as Embry started walking across the floor of the garage toward where Jacob's old Rabbit was parked. I suddenly couldn't remember how we'd ended up here, just like this, as I found myself consumed by how Embry was overtaking my senses – his soft lips on mine, the way he tasted. I reveled in the feel of his body underneath my hands. The muscles in his arms and shoulders were long and lean, his back strong. His skin was soft beneath my fingers, unlike his rough hands, and I could feel the slight definition of a scar on his left bicep, likely left from an altercation in his wolf form.
I suddenly felt something solid beneath me as I realized Embry had gently placed me on the hood of the Rabbit. My lips never left his, exchanging fervent kisses, as his hands traveled up my arms and held my face between them. I wrapped one arm around his neck to anchor myself and propped my body up with the other by bracing it on the hood.
Embry pulled away slowly, kissing a trail up my jaw line until he reached my ear. He nibbled on it gently and I gasped as his hot breath sent shivers down my spine. A soft growl erupted from his chest as I felt his fingers undo the first button of my shirt, the second, the third…
"Bella," he whispered in my ear. "Do you know how much I want you right now?"
I groaned softly in spite of myself as my body responded to the lust in his voice. If my mind hadn't separated from my body in the moments leading up to this, it was in a completely different realm at this point. I barely recognized my voice as I responded to him.
"Prove it."
Embry growled again as he tore my shirt open, the remaining few buttons flying in multiple directions, roughly pushing it down my shoulders. I shrugged out of it and leaned back on my elbows so I could see him. Strands of his hair fell across his forehead and hung in his eyes, which were black and clouded with need and lust. The tears were completely gone. One side of his mouth curled up in a slight, crooked smile – a smile I had seen him wear a million times, yet never like this. His hands moved to the button of my jeans.
"Are you sure?"
I shivered as his fingers grazed the soft skin of my lower stomach just above the waist of my jeans. I bit my bottom lip and nodded.
Two seconds later my jeans were gone. The hood of the car was cold against the back of my thighs as Embry stood there for a moment, drinking in the site of me laying on it in nothing but my bra and panties. In his absence, I could feel my head start to swim, but the moment wouldn't fully allow it as I swore I saw Embry shudder as he took a step forward, sliding his hands up my thighs and leaning over my body until his lips hovered above my stomach.
My breath caught in my throat as I felt his tongue tracing intricate patterns on the skin near my belly button. As soon as he finished in one spot, he kissed it softly and continued to explore another inch of skin. Meanwhile, his hands slid up my torso and ghosted across the fabric of my bra. They continued to my shoulders until he ran his fingers down the length of my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind.
No words were spoken as I brought my knees up and placed my feet on the hood. Embry now rested between my thighs, although he was still bent over me, his lips dangerously close to edge of my panties. Another wave of heat rushed through me and I felt it everywhere. His eyes closed and his breath came faster, more urgent. "Dammit, Bella, you smell so good," he exhaled, his nose ghosting across the yellow cotton fabric.
I sat up on my hands and scooted closer to the edge of the hood as Embry stood upright, peeling his shirt off his body. I hesitated for the briefest of moments at the sight of his bare chest and the well-defined muscles in his stomach. My eyes traveled lower until I saw the proof of his want beneath his cutoff jeans.
More heat.
I swear I almost saw red as I reached for the button of his cut-offs.
There was a distant, dull screaming in the back of my mind, one I refused to heed as I realized I was letting my body take over completely. My fingers fumbled with the button as I looked up at Embry from where I sat perched on the car hood, licking my lips in spite of myself.
I was disrupted when Embry stooped down and enveloped my moist lips in a fiery kiss. I felt myself undo the button of his cutoffs but didn't see where they ended up. Embry's tongue pushed past my lips and tangled with mine as one of my arms went back around his neck. The silent scream was slowly fading. I couldn't think of anything in that moment and I couldn't comprehend the consequences of what was about to happen.
The haze cleared slightly when I felt Embry's fingers travel beneath the fabric of my panties, brushing across the surface of my entrance. I gasped sharply and briefly saw stars as he grazed the nub connected to what felt like a thousand live wires, but it was over as quickly as it began. It wasn't Embry's fingers I felt near my entrance now as he pushed my panties aside, his anticipation clearly getting the better of his patience.
Before I realized what was happening, he pushed himself into me. It was quick and forceful and I was filled.
My eyes flew open as I jerked away from Embry's lips, loudly crying out as the shock gave way to a searing pain tearing at my insides. I closed my eyes again and clenched my teeth, concentrating on each breath as I let myself adjust to Embry's size. It became all too clear I had forgotten about the pain that was supposed to come with it. I buried my face in Embry's shoulder, biting down on it with enough force to hurt a normal person, but not him.
After several long, agonizing moments, the pain lessened by a fraction and I began to concentrate on the feel of Embry inside me rather than the pain as my inner walls protested, slowly stretching to accommodate him. I focused on the heat inside me; combined with mine, it was intoxicating. I wiggled my hips slightly, urging him to continue. I felt him kiss the side of my head as he pulled out in a painstakingly slow motion and entered again. He repeated the action, pushing himself just a little further each time.
Before long, the pain started to diminish little by little as my body adjusted and Embry found a steady rhythm, his knees leaning against the front of the Rabbit and one hand on the hood supporting his weight. The other arm was wrapped around my midsection, fingers spread wide across my back. Once the pain completely faded, the sensation caused by the friction of him moving in and out of me was unbelievable.
Our arms wrapped around one another held our bodies together as we moved, our skin in complete contact. I could feel the heat radiating from Embry's body, the sweat forming on his chest. I kissed his shoulder tenderly – the same spot I had bitten earlier – as he moved inside me. I let my head fall back, my eyes closing as I tried desperately to remember this feeling, to hang on to it, before reality would come back to ruin it.
But Embry pulled away suddenly, leaving me cold and craving more. My eyes fluttered open and, without waiting for permission, traveled down his body once again. It glowed with sweat and as my eyes traveled below his waist, I could feel myself blush furiously before I quickly looked away.
Embry smiled as he stepped closer, taking my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips. "You're amazing," he said. Even in a situation like this, Embry only needed a few words. He placed the palm of his hand on my chest and gently pushed, urging me to lie down. I complied, placing my hand over his as my back met the cold metal. Embry grabbed my hips and carefully pulled me toward him so that my bottom was a few inches over the edge of the hood. He hooked his fingers in my panties and removed them, tossing them onto the tattered couch several feet away. Self-conscious and suddenly feeling vulnerable, I kept my legs clamped together.
Embry only smiled his self-assured smile and my eyes never left his. "Bella, relax." He brought his hands around and stroked the top of my thighs. He leaned forward before he spoke again, and I could feel his hot breath on the skin of my legs. "You're beautiful."
Taking a deep breath, the muscles in my legs loosened and I closed my eyes, allowing him to part my thighs completely.
Embry made a soft noise in his throat as he got his first good look at me. I took another ragged breath, trying to mentally will the blush away as he moved forward a step and leaned over me, again repositioning himself at my entrance. Landing a soft, tender kiss on my lips, he let one hand slide behind my head as I felt strands of my hair weave between his fingers. The other hand he used to guide one leg around his waist as the other followed close behind. I cried out suddenly as he slid inside me again, the different position hitting all kinds of new areas and setting off sparks inside me.
"Oh, god…" I sighed, my inhibitions suddenly forgotten as my eyes fluttered shut once again. I could feel Embry rocking back and forth between my legs, and I could detect every movement of his fingertips on the hand not twisted in my hair as each one gently left trails across the sensitive skin of my thigh.
After a few moments, he picked up the pace of his thrusts. As he did, he coaxed my head forward and I leaned up into him, landing a desperate and deep kiss on his lips. His mouth was hot against mine and a small place inside me started to painstakingly fall apart as he pushed into me, his hand now anchored to my hip as he used it to bring my body toward his. A feral moan escaped my lips at the sound of our bodies connecting, at the feeling slowly building within me.
In the silence of the garage I could hear nothing else except Embry's steady, shallow breaths – breaths I could feel as they ghosted across my face – and the beautifully tormented whimpers coming from my throat as my body experienced sensations of which I never knew it was capable.
For a moment, I allowed myself to open my eyes. I wanted to see him. I wanted to see if he was experiencing the same feelings I was. I wanted to see if there were any reservations in his eyes. When I did, I was captivated by the look of intense determination on his face. His eyes were open and sure as I watched beads of sweat drip down his features. He was beautiful and despite anything I wanted or thought before, in this moment, he was mine.
And I knew he wouldn't go anywhere.
In one swift movement, Embry pulled me up so we were in the position in which we originally started. One of my arms fell back to the hood of the car with a loud thud and the other furiously grasped the back of Embry's head as he rested his forehead against mine. His movements picked up speed, his breath causing my lips to tingle as he leaned in to kiss me.
Embry was panting as he pulled his face away from mine, his dark, hooded eyes piercing mine as he did. Watching him, seeing how his face and body responded to me, I felt a tightening in my stomach, begging for release as my need for him in that moment multiplied by unimaginable amounts. He didn't speak; instead, his intense gaze remained locked with mine and he simply nodded, conveying to me he was ready.
Although I wasn't sure what to do, in that moment, my body did as it responded to the lust in his eyes. My body and mind reeled as my inner walls clamped down on Embry and I fell over the edge, writhing and shaking in his arms as they held me tight. My vision blurred and my senses heightened as wave after wave of pleasure coursed through my body. My fingers reached for something, anything to hang on to as they tangled in Embry's hair.
A moment later, Embry pushed into me one last time as hard as he could and I felt his release as he tensed inside me, a rough growl falling from his lips. A few seconds passed and as we both fought to catch our breath, he gently laid me back as I continued to tremble violently. He moved with me, never separating my body from his as he collapsed on to me, his head resting where it fell on my chest.
Moments passed as I came down and neither of us spoke a word. Embry trembled slightly, his body warm against mine. His breath was deep and labored as he, too, recovered from his high. As we lay there, tangled in each other, he sighed and I gradually felt his body relax. He still made no move to separate from me, and I did all I could in that moment as I intertwined my fingers in his hair and caressed his head, slowly lifting my own off the car to place one last comforting kiss on his dark hair. My head fell back against the hood with a soft thump and I took a deep breath.
Seconds earlier, the screaming in my head was silenced by the need and the urgency of the moment. There was no room for it. In between it all, I was occupied with one thing and one thing only – Embry.
Now, my brain was swirling with a million questions – a million questions and a different name.
Jacob.
This is all your fault. It's all your fault this happened. It's all your fault I feel this way.
My confusion multiplied the longer I lay there. In reality, there was only one thing I could pull from the disarray of thoughts infiltrating my head as ecstasy was replaced by reality.
The intimate moments Embry and I had just shared were going to change everything.
AN: *holds breath and looks one way, then the other*
...Thoughts?