Hiii!!!! Sorry it took me so long to update! I just couldn't seem to get this chapter right! It felt like a big one for me so hopefully writing and updating for the rest of the story the rest will be a piece of cake! ;) Please review and let me know if I have done it justice!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I wish I owned a shirtless R-Patz! Rrraow!!

EPOV

Two more days passed in a haze. I completed normal daily functions like eating, sleeping, and breathing, but I didn't feel like me. I was an empty shell floating listlessly through the days.

The only thing keeping me going was the minute spark of hope I kept hidden away in the deep, dark recesses of my heart. It was a hope that if I could just say it right, maybe Bella could find some way to forgive me.

Even if she didn't want any kind of physical or emotional relationship with me, just being her friend would be enough.

Would it really?

Yes. I would make sure of it. I would settle for Monopoly nights that ended with my saying goodbye at her front door with a hug. Hugs were good. I could live with that little bit of contact.

If by some small miracle I made it through the gauntlet of Alice and then Rosalie and found myself alive at Bella's feet, I would finally tell her. I would tell her everything I should have told her the moment I realized my feelings had changed.

Then I would let the chips fall where they may. I would let Bella decide. If she wanted to allow me in her life, it would be up to her how much of me she wanted.

Of course, I would let her know that she already had all of me if she wanted it.

I could still never deserve her. But in my wallowing I realized that I didn't want to live without Bella, and if she'd let me I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her.

*****

On Saturday I noticed that things started to change. It wasn't just the fact that I was starting to move around again with the rest of the world. Jasper and Emmett were acting…strange. They were more cheerful when they talked to me. They no longer toed around me and they mentioned Bella a few times like nothing had ever happened between us.

But what really threw me off was that Saturday evening Alice showed up on our doorstep with popcorn and movies.

When I answered the door she breezed past me with a 'Hi, Edward.' There was no malice or contempt in her voice. She just headed to the kitchen and made her snacks like she owned the place. I have to admit, the way she was banging around in there I pictured her going through the silverware drawer to find that spoon…But she just poked her head out and asked me if I wanted any. After that she didn't exactly go out of her way to talk to or engage me in anyway, but that was hardly surprising.

Then on Sunday Emmett invited me to the lake with him and Rosalie. They were going to try out their new body bards and thought I might enjoy a day out. Rose stood next to Emmett's Jeep with her arms crossed over her chest. She frightened me. I had no doubt she would beat my ass in a fist fight. I was so shocked at the offer that I practically yelled 'no' at him. When I regained my brain functions I thanked him but politely refused. I'm pretty sure Rosalie even smirked at me when she jumped into the vehicle. I shook my head and retreated to the sanctuary of my dungeon.

What the hell was going on?

*****

Monday marked the first day I left the house in over a week. Jasper told me I needed to get out and forced me on one of his infamous coffee runs.

As I sat on the bench by our front door putting on my shoes I started to have a panic attack. I was afraid to leave the house. What if I saw her? I wouldn't know what to say!

I was trying to take deep calming breaths but that wasn't helping. After ten minutes of internal arguing I talked my idiot self into standing up and putting one foot in front of the other. I opened the door, took the few steps across the porch and made my way down the stairs.

When my feet hit the sidewalk I was feeling slightly more confident. When the warmth of the sun hit my face I felt my chest loosen. I could breathe more freely as the cool breeze drifted past.

This wasn't so bad…

Then I began putting one foot in front of the other again. With each step I took the voice in my head was talking to me like a mantra. You can do this. This is easy. It's just coffee.

Before I knew it I was at the café and all I could think of was that I had seen Bella here on more than one occasion. Without looking around, because it would rip out my heart to picture her, I marched right up to place my order. The girl behind the counter smiled at me as I approached.

"And what can I make for you today?" she asked in a sickly sweet voice.

I cleared my throat and placed Jasper's order. "Can I have a large vanilla caramella latte, please?"

She raised one perfectly plucked eyebrow and smirked. "A vanilla caramella latte?"

Did I stutter?

"Yes. Thank you." I wasn't trying to be short, but being in that café was making me uncomfortable. There were too many memories of Bella there. But then again, there were too many memories of Bella everywhere. Even places she hadn't been still made me think of her in some way.

As I waited for Jasper's order to be filled, I leaned forward against the counter and felt the first signs of déjà vu setting in.

I've been here before…

Then the sound of a familiar laugh caught my attention. My spine jerked up straight and the fine hairs on the back of my neck seemed to stand on end. Then I heard her voice.

"Edward? Edward Cullen? Is that really you?"

I turned slowly to face her.

"Hi Tanya," I said stiffly.

"Wow, Edward! You look great!" Tanya said looking me up and down.

"Thanks, you too," I said, not really meaning it.

"So what are you up to these days?" she asked conversationally.

"Not much really." I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure that I had anything to say to her.

"Here's your latte," the girl behind the counter said as she tapped my shoulder.

"Oh, thanks," I turned around to grab it. I planned to make a bee line for the exit but Tanya stopped me.

"Hey, Edward, do you think we could talk for a minute?" She asked quietly.

"Oh, I don't know, I have to take this back to Jasper, he gets crabby when his coffee gets cold," I mumbled.

"Look, I know you don't owe me anything, but I'd really just like to talk to you for a few minutes. It would really mean a lot to me."

I sighed and held my hand out towards a table indicating I would follow her. She led the way and sat down across from me. I sat there staring at the coffee cup, waiting for her to speak. When she reached across the table to touch my hand I noticed her engagement ring.

She caught me looking at it.

"I'm getting married this summer," she said shyly. Since when was she shy?

Bella is shy…

"Congratulations," I said politely.

"Thank you. I'm really very lucky. Finding someone who will put up with me isn't exactly an easy thing to do!" she laughed.

Something about the way she laughed at herself caused me to smile.

"Ah, clearly you remember."

My smile faded. I looked back down at my cup.

"Edward, I really want to apologize. I know I was a completely wretched bitch in high school and you were more often than not on the receiving end-"

"You really don't have to do this Tanya," I started.

"No, I do. I really do. I want to apologize for all the horrid things I said to you. None of them were true. In all honesty, Edward, you were the best boyfriend I ever had. Well, until I met my fiancé," she said and smiled sheepishly.

"But really, how you put up with me I will never know. I just want you to know that I've changed. I know it probably doesn't mean anything now, but I am a different person, a better person. It wasn't right how I tried to change you."

I was extremely uncomfortable in this situation. What do you say to something like that after all those years? The only thing saving me was the sincerity that was rolling off of her in waves. I smiled tentatively at her.

"I wanted to tell you that I had no right to tell you that you were only good for sex," she stuttered.

I blushed like Bella.

"I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable. It's just, James and I are moving out of the country and I don't know that I'll ever have the chance to tell you these things. Edward, you are one of a kind. You are so extremely intelligent, talented, loving, kind, and loyal. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I look back on the time we spent together and I still kick myself for the way I took you for granted. You have so much to offer and she's extremely lucky," she finished.

I realized that she had said "she's extremely lucky". I must have had a confused look on my face.

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Please, Edward, you are so obviously in love. It's written all over your face."

I was speechless. I hadn't seen Tanya in years but somehow she could see the love I held for Bella.

Just then a blonde guy walked up and put his hand on Tanya's shoulder. She looked up at him and smiled. "Edward, this is my fiancé James. James, this is an old friend of mine from high school, Edward."

My mouth was probably hanging open like an idiot. When she said she was engaged I pictured some fashion model kind of guy. I was not prepared for the cliché computer geek standing in front of me. I closed my mouth and shook his hand.

"James is a software developer. We're moving to Europe next month for a new position he's taking," she smiled up brightly at him.

"Honey, I'm just going to go wait by the car. It's a little stuffy in here and my asthma is acting up. It was nice to meet you, Edward." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked out after she let him know she'd only be another minute.

I looked at Tanya incredulously.

"Told you I've changed. If I hadn't been so blind in high school things may have turned out very different for us. But obviously things worked out the way they were meant to because I have James and you have…" she trailed off.

I didn't answer. I simply sighed.

"Well, whatever her name and whatever your circumstances, she's a very lucky girl."

She stood up from the table and I stood with her. She hesitantly closed the gap between us and hugged me.

"Thanks, Tanya," I whispered.

"No, thank you, Edward," she replied.

"Good luck with your wedding and Europe."

"Thank you. And hey, don't be an idiot like me and mess things up. She's obviously special if she's caught your attention," she smiled warmly and headed for the door.

I called out to her before she was halfway there and she turned around.

"Bella. Her name is Bella," I said and grinned.

She nodded silently and smiled. Then she turned and walked from the café.

I flopped back down into my chair and stared at the table. My mind was reeling. Tanya's words were overpowering my thoughts. She was marrying an older, blonde version of me from high school. I chuckled to myself. Obviously she could change, so why couldn't I?

If Tanya could see her mistakes and atone for them I sure as hell could. She apologized for her wicked ways, there was no reason I couldn't do the same.

That settled it. If I had been contemplating trying to make things right with Bella before, speaking to Tanya had cemented the idea.

I stood up from the table and rushed to the door. I practically ran all the way home, my thoughts a mile ahead of me. I was going to do it. I was going to plead with Bella to take me back. I would show her who I really was and beg for all I was worth for a second chance. I would tell her the truth. I would tell her that she was a bet, but that I had fallen in love with her.

I flew up the porch steps and tore through the front door. I wanted to talk to Jasper before I found Bella.

"Jazz?" I hollered.

"In here," I heard him reply.

I burst into the living room with a huge grin on my face. I was met by Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and Emmett.

"Are you ok, Edward?" Jasper asked, wide eyed.

"Ya," I said breathlessly, leaning forward to put my hands on my knees.

Fuck, I'm out of shape…

"Did you bring me my coffee?" Jasper laughed.

"Fuck your coffee. I need to talk to Bella," I said looking directly at Alice with a knowing stare.

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at me. No she wasn't glaring, she was gauging me. She was looking for any sign that I was going to be less that just with Bella.

"She's at the library," Rosalie whispered.

I looked at her, stunned. Rose was giving me permission?

"Rose!" Alice hissed.

"Oh Alice, give it up! Let the guy apologize for fuck sake! Look at him! He's ready," she said and smiled.

"And if he screws it up again?" Alice asked her.

"Then you get to castrate him with a spoon - after I fuck him up good," she winked at me.

"Last chance, Edward," Alice sighed. "Make it count."

I nodded to Alice, then looked back at Rose. "Library?"

"She got a summer job at the public library. She's working today."

"Thanks," I said gratefully.

I turned to leave and heard Emmett ask, "I wonder what lit such a fire under his ass?"

I could vaguely hear Jasper's response, "I can't believe he forgot my fucking latte!"

*****

I threw open the door of the library and ran inside. I stood there like an idiot for a moment looking around for her. Then I remembered that this was a huge public library and I had no idea what section she worked in.

I strode up to the front desk and waited for someone to notice me. A second later a blonde came up to the desk and smiled warmly.

"How may I help you?" she asked smoothly.

"Bella. Where can I find Bella?" I asked anxiously.

Her face twisted up like she was confused. "Bella who?"

"Bella Swan. Small, brown hair, beautiful, extremely intelligent, smells like heaven-"

"Ya, ya," she said rolling her eyes. "I get it. You're talking about the new girl. She's working upstairs today."

"Thank you," I said and ran towards the stairwell. I threw that door open too and cringed when it made a banging sound against the wall. But I didn't stop. I took the stairs two at a time. When I got to the top and pulled that door open I was a little gentler.

I looked around at the rows upon rows of books. I started towards the small librarians desk ahead of me, hoping against hope she would be somewhere close to it.

No such luck.

I turned to my left and made my way towards the first aisle of books.

"Bella?" I called out. I was trying to be quiet but I was so anxious it came out a little louder than I intended.

"Bella?" I called again.

"Shh!" A lady sitting at a small work station typing on a laptop chastised.

"Oh shit! I mean, fuck! Sorry! I'm sorry!" I rushed out. She gaped at me for a second then waved me off and went back to her typing.

I continued forward, looking down each aisle as I went.

The non-fiction section aisle one held nothing.

Aisle two…nothing…three…nothing…four…fuck…five…me…six…where was she…seven…no Bella…eight…

As I reached the last row my heart began to beat wildly in my chest. Would she be there? Would I finally get to see my beautiful Bella? The anticipation knotted in my stomach.

I turned the corner and the aisle was empty. My heart sank. Where was she? I looked around and saw another row of aisles on the other side of the large room. I began walking briskly to these rows and started the same routine, walking past, looking down each one as I went.

The fiction section was no better. The aisle that held Austen did not hold Bella. Nor did the aisle with the Bronte sisters, Chaucer, or Dickens…

It was with Hawthorne that I finally found her. My breath left my body in a silent rush. She was sitting on a stool rearranging the books on a lower shelf. I stood there watching her, momentarily stunned by how ridiculously beautiful she was. All my memories of her had not done her justice.

Each time she leaned forward her hair would fall in front of her face and she would patiently tuck it back behind her ear. Her full red lips were moving silently as if she were singing under her breath.

She picked up one of the books she was about to move and a smile crossed her face. Then she shook her head and tucked it back on the shelf.

I couldn't wait any longer. If I did there was a chance I would turn around and leave again. There was only one urge stronger and that was to hear Bella's voice. To hear her tinkling laughter and know that I had caused it.

I stepped more fully into the aisle and without even looking up she dropped the book in her hands and stood up to face me, her face covered in a hundred different emotions. Shock, anger, disgust, distrust…hope?

I moved slowly down the aisle, my hands held up in defence like she was a frightened lamb and I was a lion begging that lamb to believe he meant her no harm.

"Bella," I whispered.

She was silent.

"Bella," I tried again.

She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to speak. Rightly so. Well played, Bella.

I remembered my resolve to consider her feelings and to let her lead a little more so I decided to start by asking for her permission.

"Do you have a second to talk?" I asked hesitantly.

"Maybe," she whispered.

"Well, if you do, could we? Talk, I mean?" I sounded like an idiot, but I couldn't have cared less in that moment, because that one single word allowed me to hear her voice.

But she wasn't going to allow me that pleasure so freely. She simply nodded her head and motioned for me to proceed.

Right. Ok. Here? I could do this. At least she couldn't scream at me in a library. Not that I didn't deserve it.

"Bella, I don't know where to start. There are so many things I needs to apologize for and I know that anything I say can never convey how truly sorry I am that I fucked this up." My hands were shaking.

"First I want to apologize for what happened after the party," I choked out. I heard her small intake of breath and looked up to see her cheeks flaming red. "Bella, I can't tell you how horrible I feel about that night. I was an absolute jackass for leaving you like that."

She turned away from me. I stepped towards her and reached out to touch her face but she took as many steps back as I had forward. I completely deserved it. I dropped my hand and continued.

"Bella, I need you to know that what happened that night was all on me. I need for you to understand that when I left it wasn't because I didn't want to be with you that way. Trust me, I absolutely wanted to be with you."

She was looking down at her shoes. I just wanted to pull her tight to me and tell her how fucking glorious she was. That I was a complete moron for screwing up any chance I had with her.

"You are so beautiful, inside and out and I still can't believe that someone so incredible could have ever wanted me. You knew my reputation, you knew and you still gave me a chance and I fucked it up so royally."

She sat down on her stool and put her face in her hands. I could see her shoulders begin to tremble. I was stuck where I stood. I didn't know what the fuck to do.

"Bella, my heart aches every time I close my eyes and I see your face right before I walked out that door. It makes me sick to my stomach to know I caused you any kind of pain. I'm so sorry." I knelt down in front of her. I couldn't bring myself to touch her. I didn't deserve to touch her. Not until she gave me back that privilege, if she ever did.

"I need to tell you why I left, why I was such and insensitive bastard. Bella...you were a bet. I made a stupid fucking bet with Emmett and Jasper that I could get you to sleep with me by the party. That was why I left that night. I couldn't do it. You deserve so much better than that. Even though we called off the bet, I couldn't go through with having that kind of physical relationship with you without you knowing first. It wouldn't have been right. I wanted so badly to make love to you but it would have been tarnished by a lie."

She was crying in earnest now and my heart was fucking broken. I took a deep breath and continued.

"I thought sleeping with you would be a piece of cake. You seemed to be this quiet little brainiac girl who I so egotistically believed would love a chance to jump into bed with me." I shook my head, feeling more like an idiot as I went. She was still crying and I couldn't see her face so I had no idea how she was taking this.

That's when it hit me.

"I'm not sorry I made that bet, Bella."

Her tear-streaked face came out of her hands for the first time and she looked at me with shock in those gorgeous brown eyes.

"Am I unbelievably sorry that I hurt you? Absolutely. Am I sorry that Emmett chose you? Absolutely not. If we hadn't made that fucked up bet, I never would have met you. I never would have had the chance to get to know you. To kick your butt in Monopoly, to rescue you from Mike Newton, to sit next to you in class and hold your hand. I never would have been able to dance with you, or kiss you, or fall in love with you..."

I couldn't help it when a single stupid tear fell from my eye. I wiped it away quickly, but not before she saw it. I couldn't find it in my heart to ask her to take me back. Not now. All I could hope for was that she could forgive my sins and accept me into her life in some minute way.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. For everything. I will completely understand if you never want to see me again. I just wanted you to know that it was nothing to do with you. You're perfect and I wouldn't change a thing about you."

I ceased my useless rant. She hadn't said a word the whole time so I figured she was just waiting for me to shut up and go. I was about to stand and leave when I looked into her eyes one last time. The expression on her face startled me, confused, and shocked me.

"Bella?"

Let me know what you think! Oh and another of my silly questions for you...Do you guys like it when authors put little nods to Twilight in their stories? Like the whole "lion/lamb" thing or using Tanya or James or whatever...you know, that kind of stuff? Just curious... :)