Suzaku stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, Zero's mask darkening everything he saw. No matter what he chose to call himself now, he was still trapped in the image of all he had once sworn to destroy, his identity sacrificed to the ideal of Zero for as long as his body had life, doomed to bear the weight of a dead man's legacy forever.
When he thought about it, Lelouch vi Britannia had won against Kururugi Suzaku in every way possible.
I've never been able to win any of our arguments. I could never defeat his plans. Even when it seemed like I won something, in the end it was just an opening to lose more. I'm no match for him.
...So how can I save him, when he is determined to die?
He clenched his fists, battered by the knowledge that he could not win this as he was, and yet at the same time, he could not afford to lose. I must change. I must get stronger. Of course, he'd told himself the same thing after Euphy's death. It hadn't done him any good. Lelouch could think circles around him without even trying, and Suzaku still didn't have a rebuttal for his last argument. Frustrated, he turned away from the mirror to get out his box of mementos.
But they are really just the reminders of my sins, aren't they?
He held his father's watch in his hands.
How could I forgive myself for that? For killing my own father?
My intent, it doesn't...
But now he could see exactly how contradictory that was, to feel that Euphy's purpose for establishing the Special Administration Zone meant everything, regardless of the outcome, and yet to curse himself eternally, even though he had gone in to speak to his father only intending to save lives.
But unlike Euphy, in the heat of my anger and the depth of my fear, I made a terrible decision...
He stared down at the pin he'd received as the Knight of Zero.
Just as you have made terrible decisions, Lelouch.
He understood all too well how his friend could be trapped by his own guilt over killing Euphy and inadvertently starting cascades of actions that had led to horrible tragedies. You didn't mean for things to turn out like that, and you were so, so sorry, but because there's nothing you can do to bring back the dead...
Should Lelouch really have to suffer forever for crimes he had never wanted to commit? Could that possibly make anything better? Suzaku looked down at the Knight pin Euphemia had given him, its bright colors chosen for a more hopeful time, when fragile dreams of peace had been shaped by her gentle hands.
I believe that her efforts had meaning, even if her plans didn't succeed. I believe that her way of thinking was right.
Of course, that inevitably led to the question of exactly how he could reconcile that belief with his past actions. Euphy wouldn't have wanted me to take revenge on Lelouch. She would have forgiven him from the start, because her true wish was for us all to live happily together.
The only thing that had given him the strength to reject Charles' plan, which would have reunited him with Euphy, was the knowledge of how deeply she would have disagreed with such a cold hearted world. To give up caring for others, because there is nothing to be lost in an unchanging present and nothing left to gain from stagnant memories, goes directly against her kindness, hope, and trust. After all the other things Suzaku had betrayed, he'd wanted to at least stay loyal to her, and yet...
I truly have betrayed your memory, haven't I, Euphy? Because I have no forgiveness in my heart. Like Nunnally, you would never have wanted me to commit to a plan that meant killing my best friend, even for the sake of peace. You would have tried to find a better way.
He shut his eyes tightly, pained by the thought that he was traitorous in everything he did.
As the Knight of Seven, even as the Knight of Zero, I wanted to believe that Lelouch's actions were worse than mine, because when he did something terrible, he didn't care about the people he hurt. But that wasn't actually true, was it? My desire to make someone I was close to suffer as much as I did, though—that was the truly evil thing, wasn't it, Euphy?
That's why...I don't care anymore if your hands are bloody, Lelouch. I don't care if the world wants you dead. What right do people who don't know you have to demand that you pay for sins they can't even begin to understand?
But his anger was not for strangers alone. Lelouch, since you know what it feels like to be on the other side of this, how can you do this to me? To Nunnally? What right do you have to assign yourself a punishment that will cost those who care for you almost more than we can bear?
Of course, it was deeply hypocritical of Suzaku to get angry about that, when he still felt like he should be punished for his own crimes. Worse, Lelouch had never had any interest in listening to hypocritical arguments. Suzaku's fists clenched again, and even through the gloves, his blunt nails dug with bruising force into his own palms. All his thoughts led him back in circles to the same place: he was in no position to change things as he was, yet that didn't change his need to.
I am tired of watching the people I care for suffer, of watching them die.
In the depth of that pain drenched frustration, in desperation to break away from the path he was on, for the first time in his life, Kururugi Suzaku could finally contemplate the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the punishment that he'd forced down on himself for so long could be wrong, as well.
Lelouch...you are just as tired of watching the suffering as I am, aren't you?
He looked down at the Knight of Zero pin, dark colors and sharp edges a fitting reflection of the time it had been crafted for.
I can't allow this to continue. If I want to succeed in changing the world, first I must change myself.
"Where are you going?" C.C. asked, as he stormed out through the living room.
"To throw out some trash," he told her. Even in Zero's private transport, the flight to the sea was still more than long enough for his determination to go from hot burn to cold steel.
Standing on the deserted pier, his gloves discarded, he held his father's watch in one hand, weighing it against the Knight pins he held in the other.
I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do to bring you back, Father, and I can't keep paying forever, not when there are people still alive who would suffer along with me.
He took one last, long look at the watch in his hand, stroking his finger along the worn metal, remembering the solid familiarity of his father's presence, hours spent in attempted meditation beside him, and those rare but precious expressions of pride. I loved you, so much, but I can't stay that grieving little boy anymore, Father, because he only knew how to follow the lessons you taught: how to place control above compassion, how to solve conflict with stubbornness and strength, and how to hate to the bitter end.
For the sake of the future, I have to let those lessons go—even if it means finally letting go of you and this guilt, as well. I can't hate myself anymore.
He cocked his arm back behind his head and threw. The watch sailed in a high, perfect arc, glinting brightly in the sunlight for just a moment before disappearing underneath the waves.
It wasn't quite the same as wiping away a scar, but somehow, there was a taste of freedom in it.
"These will mean something different, now," he told himself, holding a Knight pin in each hand. "They won't be representations of my sins, but reminders of my purpose." He cradled the pin in his left hand. "With all her heart, Euphy wished for peace." He clutched the pin in his right. "And as Lelouch's Knight, I will bring it to him, whether he wants it or not," he declared with grim determination.
The bright flare of that conviction carried him swiftly back to the palace. Unfortunately, fate seemed determined to keep him dancing in old and familiar patterns: no sooner had he committed to a path with all his heart, than reality rudely shifted to derail his plans. This time, the realization took no longer than shutting the door of his own suite; the solemness of Lelouch's face immediately filled him with dread.
Suzaku had, of course, been trying his best to think of some way to change Lelouch's mind on the way back from the pier, but an actual victory strategy still felt far away. Please don't tell me it's time to...
"I know you just got back, Suzaku," Lelouch said, in direct contradiction of his silent plea, "but we really need to leave now to give ourselves time to get all the way out to the launch site and then get through the security around the Damocles."
Please, not yet—it's too soon. I just need more time, and...
Every muscle in his body remained tensed sharply in dread at the pronouncement, until he forced himself to relax. "Alright, Lelouch. I can sneak you and C.C. onto Zero's personal transport pretty easily. It's fast, and people won't find it suspicious if Zero shows up to witness the launch," he said.
What he really wanted to do, of course, was shout or beg or maybe even just tie his friend up until he changed his mind, although Suzaku knew that sort of impulsive action would only delay the plans of someone as intelligent and determined as Lelouch.
No, he was right when he said I act too impulsively sometimes. I can't win this by strength of muscle or will; he won't accept commands pressed on him from the outside. I have to persuade him to want to keep living somehow, and that means I have to play along with some decisions I disagree with, in order to get the chance to change things later.
Playing along with repugnant ideas was, of course, something his time spent swearing allegiance to Charles zi Britannia had given him more than ample experience in, and thankfully, next to suppressing his own raging emotions, getting Schneizel to rearrange the guards took next to no attention. In addition, Suzaku was more than experienced enough as a pilot to get them to their destination without really thinking about it. That left his mind free to concentrate on his most pressing problem.
"Lelouch, can I ask you something?" he questioned only a couple of minutes after take off, glad that C.C. had been convinced to ensconce herself in the passenger compartment by a few boxes of pizza, leaving the two of them alone to have a private conversation.
"That depends on what you're going to ask about. You know I can't agree to continue living," Lelouch responded wearily from the copilot's seat, watching the small blue triangle representing their transport slowly moving across the geographic display.
Suzaku clenched his teeth, knowing that for now, he couldn't charge into that battle head on, no matter how much he wanted to. "I—even if you are going to die, Lelouch," he said, desperately hoping his own words were a lie, "I still want to set things right between us. I don't want to continue living with these regrets, so..." Forgive me for deceiving you like this, but there is something I am desperately seeking. You understand that, right, Lelouch? Because you have lied so much, as well.
Lelouch's eyes softened. "What is it that you want to ask?"
"Are you very mad at me?" Suzaku asked hesitantly.
"Mad?" Lelouch actually looked confused. "About what?"
"I...I stabbed you." I killed you, but I'm too much of a coward to say it like that.
"Exactly according to plan," Lelouch said, as if that settled things.
Your blood was all over, and Nunally was screaming and screaming. It was hard to think how Lelouch could dismiss it so easily. I put a hole straight through you. "Did it...didn't it hurt a lot?"
"Adrenalin is a wonderful analgesic," Lelouch replied placidly, with just a hint of his familiar smirk, as if something that clinical could actually be honest.
"But did it hurt?"
"...Not as much as other things," he finally answered, looking away from Suzaku, who, as pilot, had been keeping half an eye on the controls, anyway.
"Things I've done?" Suzaku prompted after a short hesitation, wondering if he could really stand to hear an honest answer to that.
"Suzaku, why are you always so determined to blame yourself?" Lelouch countered, sounding as if his patience were sorely strained.
"I'm not trying to—" He shook his head. Why do we always end up arguing? "I'm just asking you, Lelouch. I'm asking if you're angry about what I've done. About my betraying you to the Emperor. About...about my killing you," he added in a small voice.
"I was the one who ordered you to kill me, Suzaku, so I could hardly blame you for that. As for the rest...do you really think I would have asked you to work together with me if I were still holding a grudge?" Lelouch stared down at the control panel with a solemness that edged into despair. "Your actions were mostly my own fault, anyway, because of what I did to you, and to Euphy, to Shirley, to everyone."
But you never meant for the innocent to suffer, did you? The guilty, on the other hand...
"You're really going to let everything I did go, just like that, after all those times you've been furious with me?" he asked, quietly incredulous. There aren't many people on this planet who can hold a grudge as deeply as you, Lelouch.
"I was furious because I felt betrayed. But the truth is, just as you wouldn't join the Black Knights, I wouldn't agree to adopt your methods, either. I was the one who told you it was okay to hate Euphy's killer. I was the one who wouldn't listen, when you tried to explain what happened at Kururugi Shrine."
Lelouch's words stirred up the memory of the first home Suzaku had ever known. At the Shrine, you still called me a friend, in spite of everything, didn't you? You may have claimed that intentions don't count for anything, Lelouch, but knowing that I didn't intend to betray you to Schneizel—if it didn't make a difference, then why would you ask about it? On the contrary, maybe my answer is the very reason you're being so nice now?
"But I still don't understand, Lelouch. You're saying you're not angry, and yet, as Zero, you still want me to be punished?" There must be a lie in there, somewhere.
"You don't—oh, Suzaku, you still don't realize it, do you?" Lelouch asked, his eyes almost pitying enough to erode Suzaku's already battered pride even further. His friend's lips quirked into a wry, bitter smile. "Of course. I can hardly expect you to know if I never tell you," Lelouch said, turning to stare down at the control panel with an almost musing look, an all too familiar sign to Suzaku.
Don't disappear off into your internal thoughts now—not when there is so little time left! "If I don't understand, why don't you just explain?" Suzaku asked in barely contained frustration, tired of feeling like he were stumbling through a play without knowing the script. If I don't know what you're truly thinking, then how will I ever convince you to change your mind? "What harm could it do, to just be honest for a little while?" he continued desperately, this time making it more of a plea, as it occurred to him that anger had never gotten him what he truly wanted where Lelouch was concerned.
Suzaku thought bitterly about all the things he'd done in the grips of his rage. I suppose I more than deserve your suspicion, but please, place your trust in me this one last time, anyway.
"Death always brings a sort of personal honesty," Lelouch told him tiredly, and it was only because of the softness of his voice that Suzaku realized he'd been unconsciously raising his own. "What is the point of lying, if there is no future to be changed, no cherished outcome be be hoped for? The dead seek nothing. If they painstakingly maintain a lie to the grave, it is not because of themselves, but because of those who continue on afterward."
"Now you're claiming you're lying to me for my own good?" he asked incredulously, trying not to be infuriated by Lelouch's casual arrogance.
"Would you really accept the truth if I told you, Suzaku? Or would my every word be twisted into its own poison, since you remain so inclined to cast yourself as the villain?" Even though the Code supposedly stopped him from aging, Lelouch's eyes still looked so very old as he stared back at him. "I...truly worry for you, Suzaku," Lelouch finally admitted, and however condescending his views might occasionally be, there was real concern in his voice.
Don't look at me like that. You're the one about to die.
"Lelouch, even if I won't understand your words perfectly, you must know how much it bothers me, to try to wade through all these lies, second and third guessing everything. You wanted to choose my punishment because you don't trust me to choose my own, but if you keep silent, do you really think the answers I'll make up will be any kinder that whatever words you might select?"
Lelouch smiled bitterly. "No, I don't suppose so. But promise me one thing, Suzaku?"
"What?"
"No matter what I'm about to tell you, you must not stop being Zero. That was and is my final request."
"I promise," he affirmed solidly. At least that he could be honest about.
I won't abandon my duty to the world we made together. Even if I haven't been a very good hero up until now, the only solution is to get better at it, right? And I'm going to start by saving someone very important to me.
"Thank you," Lelouch told him solemnly. He briefly closed his eyes, remaining silent for a moment, as if fortifying himself for what was to come next. "Suzaku, the truth is, I didn't select you as Zero because I felt you owed the world. You are the one who feels you need to atone. I just used your own belief against you, to get you to agree to do what I wanted. In reality, I selfishly selected you as Zero because you were the only one who could succeed in it, and I desperately needed my plan to succeed."
"But there are plenty of other people who—"
Lelouch shook his head. "Not to me," he stated, and his words had the ring of finality. "I was trapped, you know," he said, eyes idly tracing the ship's trajectory line on the navigational display. "I couldn't abandon Nunnally, not like our parents abandoned us. But when I realized that the world would just hurt her over and over, I had to pursue the power to change it, even if that meant doing terrible things, things that would wound her to ever know about," he admitted, lifting a hand up to cover his left eye. "I became part of the same corrupt world I should have protected her from, and yet, I couldn't just leave her defenseless. In the end, my only answer was you. You were the only one who could save me from the dilemma I faced."
"Why though? Why only me?" Why place your faith in someone who betrayed you so badly?
"Because long before you ever donned the mask of Zero and started playing that part for the rest of the world, you played it for me alone, when I was just a little boy in a foreign land."
"I don't know what you mean," Suzaku said, frowning. "Lelouch, I never did anything!"
"No, you did the greatest thing of all. When Nunnally and I first arrived in Japan, Suzaku, I hated everything. Every person we met, everyone we didn't meet, the beds we slept in and the meals we ate, the sky that cried on us and the sunrise that Nunnally couldn't see, I hated it all!" His fists clenched, shaking with old anger. "I wanted to make the whole world go away, to lock Nunnally up in a glass cage and never let her out, because her pain could hurt me more than I could bear!" he said, the force of his emotion making his voice tremble.
"Lelouch," Suzaku murmured gently, not sure, as he reached out to lay his hand on one thin shoulder, if his friend would actually allow even that small comfort, but despite his doubts, Suzaku was unwilling to sit back and do nothing. You'll forgive me if I fly a little slowly, though, right? I don't want to get where we're going.
The former emperor looked over at him with a wry, self-depreciating smile. "I thought...I honestly thought of the whole world as my enemy, Suzaku, and in the World of C, I realized my father felt the exact same way. He couldn't trust anything! He wanted to intrude on everything private, to get rid of all individuality, because he couldn't be satisfied until the only future left was one of utter, unchanging certainty!"
Lelouch shook his head. "That's not peace, Suzaku. That's the ignorance of a small child. That's what I had when I was so young that my world was no bigger than my immediate family, and nothing truly bad had ever happened yet. I was content because I was too naïve to realize that something ever could. But after my mother's assassination, I had to suddenly confront the knowledge that the world could brutally betray me, could cripple and blind Nunnally on a whim. I learned that there was something to hate."
"But what I didn't know then, and what my father never learned, was that there were still things left to love, as well." Lelouch looked over at the hand on his shoulder. "When you, who had started out so hostile toward me, extended your hand in friendship, when you made peace with me, Suzaku, for the first time, I really understood what peace was. It's not ignorance that there's anything bad in the world. It's not the absence of anything that could possibly hurt you. Peace is that feeling that you have in your heart when you know that evil is possible, when you realize that you can be injured, and yet you trust anyway. You have faith in something outside of yourself."
"In the World of C, Suzaku, I realized that the only real difference between myself and Charles zi Britannia was a small Japanese boy who stretched out his hand."
"But that's...that's not even anything, Lelouch," Suzaku objected, shaking his head. "Anyone could have done that."
"Yes, anyone could have. The difference is, you did. You saved me, long before Geass, before the war, before I even knew I needed saving. I have it in me to be a true monster, Suzaku. But instead, I was able to defeat that part of myself, because I had you at my side to fight it. That's why it had to be you that donned Zero's mask. Because as suspicious and control driven as I am, the only one I could trust to teach the world something as difficult as peace is the one who taught me in the first place."
Lelouch met his gaze directly, and it was a good thing that the weather was so benign currently, because Suzaku wasn't paying any attention to the controls anymore. "That trust, that faith—to extend your hand, no matter how many times you have been bitten," Lelouch said, reaching up to clasp the fingers still on his shoulder, "that is the very essence of peace, Suzaku, and that is why I chose you to wear this mask. Not as a punishment, but as a sign of my faith that you can teach the injured of this world to believe in something outside of themselves."
Suzaku was silent for a long moment, trying to accept what Lelouch was saying. Part of him didn't think he could believe it, but if there were one thing Lelouch absolutely hated talking about, it was the painful vulnerability of his own past. If he were lying, he would have chosen something else, anything else, to speak about.
Suzaku took a long, slow breath to steady himself. All this time, I thought that deep down, you must truly hate me. But I was just blinded by my own bias. The reality is, you've already forgiven me.
He squeezed Lelouch's shoulder a little harder. I don't have the words to properly thank you for that, but I'm so grateful. The unexpected mercy lifted an enormous weight from his conscience, even as the certainty that Lelouch still possessed a heart kind enough to forgive only increased Suzaku's determination not to let his friend die again.
"To extend your hand, no matter how many times you've been bitten, huh?" He smiled, looking at his own bandaged index finger. "So, basically, you're saying I make a good Zero because Arthur has given me a lot of practice?"
It was worth the embarrassment, Suzaku decided, to startle a small laugh out of Lelouch, because in it there was a tiny echo of summer and two small boys and hope and birdsong and light, when all the world and a boundless future had been stretched out before them.
"Well, I believe I put it much more eloquently," Lelouch teasingly responded, violet eyes taking on just a little of their former sparkle, "but I suppose you've finally got the gist of it."
It was much easier to talk to Lelouch after that, to ask all the little questions Suzaku had been holding in and to make the sincere apologies he should have given voice to long ago. In fact, it was astonishingly simple now to say the things he really felt, merely because he knew his friend would accept his words.
I'm sorry we wasted so much time being angry with each other, Lelouch.
Unfortunately, the renewed ease of their friendship wasn't enough to fundamentally change the current situation, and although Lelouch was in much better humor for the rest of the flight, it did nothing to blunt his persistent stubbornness. All too soon, Suzaku found that they'd reached their destination, without any sign of weakening in Lelouch's conviction.
How can I get him to change his plans? Suzaku thought, frustration beginning to eclipse his resurgent hopes.
All I want is just to keep this one friend. Is that so much to ask?
He clenched his fists, thinking of everything he and Lelouch had been through together, since the time he'd first realized how truly amazing the young, grieving prince was: a boy his own age courageously daring to face all the burdens of a cruel adult world, with only a child's feeble strength and an untested but revolutionary brilliance. As a student, Lelouch had allowed even his fierce pride to bend to the plans of more whimsical hearts, and though the shadows of Zero had lurked beneath, those days had been warmed with a gentle happiness. Of course, it hadn't lasted. Despite all the detours they'd taken along the way, his thoughts inevitably gravitated to the tragic end of their path together, where they'd faced down an Emperor and joined hands to remake the world together—at the cost of Lelouch's life.
Every time I lose someone, people tell me that I have to move past it, forge new relationships, as if it's so simple to let go. No doubt my life would be easier, if I could just find a best friend who didn't insist on calling himself a "demon", but Lelouch, you are the one who made my impossible dreams of peace possible. No matter what the rest of the world thinks of you, to me, you are an irreplaceable person.
The world had never been overmuch moved by his feelings, though, and Suzaku was soon sorely disappointed to learn that Lelouch had somehow gotten hold of the Damocles security plan, apparently not long after he'd announced his intention to be destroyed along with the ship. With all the necessary information available to them beforehand, Lelouch and C.C. had taken no time at all to breach the outer perimeter with the fake press passes and thorough disguises they had apparently made up for themselves, while he was off at meetings and then the pier. The only thing that had stopped Lelouch from immediately trying to breech the inner perimeter was the unexpected presence of Kallen within the current security detail.
She must have flown in, specifically to see the Damocles sent to its destruction.
Lelouch watched her worriedly, using the zoom capability of the camera he'd brought in as part of his reporter disguise to get a closer look. He was obviously concerned about her ability to disrupt his plans, and Suzaku had never felt more grateful toward his sometimes friend and ofttimes adversary.
"I thought she would be in Japan!" Lelouch complained softly, but with no less fervency despite the lack of volume.
"I think she normally is. I'm pretty sure I overheard Ougi mention something about Kallen wanting to spend time with her mother."
"Then, her mother is—" Lelouch cut himself off, shaking his head. "No, I shouldn't ask. Kallen's presence does make this more difficult, though," Lelouch admitted. "I want to avoid creating a major diversion, because if something unusual happens, they may decide to delay the launch until confirming everything is as it should be. If it were only people who didn't know me well, I'd be willing to chance sneaking through with one of the engine modules, but..."
"Engine module?"
"You didn't think the Black Knights would just leave the Damocles sitting around operational, did you? Of course they removed several crucial control components, weapons systems, and also the engine modules. They'll soon be placing all the F.L.E.I.J.A. back aboard the Damocles, too, so that the warheads that aren't needed to overcome the planet's angular momentum can meet with destruction in the sun itself."
Angular momentum? Does he mean because the planet is spinning on its axis? Suzaku frowned. Sometimes I wish I hadn't missed so much of my school career. Of course, that only brought his thoughts back around to his current dilemma. We've lost so much time already, Lelouch. I'm not going to just give up my best friend again.
"If the security detail found some young reporter trying to sneak in with one of the engine units," Lelouch continued explaining, apparently oblivious to Suzaku's current thoughts, "then they'd probably just figure he was trying to make a name for himself by getting some restricted photos. Zero could step in and offer to handle the situation, and I could try again with better understanding of their security procedures."
"But if Kallen found you..."
Lelouch frowned. "Maybe this disguise would fool her," he said, tugging lightly on the wig he was currently wearing, "but she knows me so well..." A troubled look passed over his face. "I'd rather not run the risk. I'll just have to wait until after the guard shift change to try slipping through. You should head back now, though, C.C.," he said, turning to her. "Zero will be fine, but if you stay until the shift change, you'll be past the curfew they're imposing on reporters."
C.C. nodded and held out her hand, a crisply folded paper crane sitting in it. "Here. A parting souvenir."
"You know origami?" Lelouch asked, surprised.
"It would have been a lot of trouble to fold one myself. I'm just giving you one that Nunnally gave to me."
"From Nunnally..." Lelouch picked it up reverently in his hands, staring at it for a long moment before looking back up at her. "Thank you, C.C. For everything."
"You took on the burden of my Code, Lelouch, so I'd say we're even."
One corner of his lips quirked. "Contract completed," he whispered.
They stared at each other for a long minute after that, neither quite willing to say goodbye, until C.C. nodded slightly again. "Contract completed," she echoed, before turning away with a small, sad smile. "Will you be smiling at the end, I wonder?" she asked, looking up into the darkness of space, where the Damocles would soon be headed.
"Even if I shouldn't have, C.C., I got to see just a little glimpse of this new future. When the time comes, I will remember everyone here on this peaceful world, and I will smile. I promise," he assured her.
She nodded. "That's all I can ask for," C.C. whispered, blending by slow degrees back into the shadows, as she finally slipped away. Lelouch stood staring off in the direction she'd left long after she'd completely faded from sight, motionless with some emotion he wouldn't voice, the crane cradled close against his chest.
I guess I can't blame her for leaving, Suzaku thought. It's not like she didn't argue before we left, and she understands the desire to die better than anyone, even myself. Suzaku, however, was not willing to be satisfied by the promise of one last smile.
I know you're tired, Lelouch; you must be. Maybe one last smile sounds good in comparison to watching your mother buried and your sister crippled, to living through two wars, fighting the one you most wanted to protect, and being betrayed by your best friend and abandoned by both your parents. I understand why you don't want any more of an existence like that, but life can be so much more than pain, Lelouch. There is a whole future waiting for you to see it. Thinking of the future, however, also made Suzaku uncomfortably aware of time's oppressive, inexorable passage, the minutes slowly ticking down—to the shift change, to his failure, and to Lelouch's death.
If only I had been kinder, realized the truth sooner. Would you be so exhausted with life if I had spent my energy supporting you, rather than attacking? His regrets accomplished nothing, unfortunately. As you warned me before, wallowing in my own guilt won't help me act at my best. I have to focus on my objective, but how do I win a negotiation with the most stubborn man on the planet?
He grit his teeth and ignored the nervous sweat starting to soak into his gloves, sure that if he just tried hard enough, a solution would come to him—not because any logic told him so, but purely because he couldn't bear to contemplate the alternative.
It got more and more difficult to hold onto that irrational belief, though, with each passing hour.
Maybe there have been times where Lelouch was unable to go through with his plans, but when was he ever unwilling?
Suzaku thought desperately on that, his muscles complaining from their time spent crouching in a small, temporarily erected energy filter warehouse, meant to resupply the guards' Knightmares.
The shift change will come soon. Please. There must be something...
In his guilt, it was almost like reflex to reach down into his pocket.
Euphy's Knight pin! Lelouch wanted to leave immediately, so I didn't have a chance to put the pins back.
He stared down at the elegant, gold accented blue and white now nestled in his left hand, as carefully as Lelouch cradled Nunnally's crane, and like the first, clean breath of spring in the stagnant air, the answer came to him: Euphy. C.C. said that he couldn't go through with his original plan because Euphy convinced him to accept peace.
That's it, isn't it, Lelouch? She promised you something your heart could never truly reject. As tired and hurt as you are, what you desire more than death, more than any plan, is to finally have that peaceful future we've all dreamed of, with Nunnally at your side.
It wasn't a guarantee, but it was a chance.