Characters: ensemble. This chapter: Veronica, Logan, Amanda, Ben

Disclaimers: The VM characters don't belong to me. (sigh)

A/N: Did I ever tell you guys how much I love you!!!! Your reviews rock! They keep me motivated even when I don't want to be. Please keep them up!! Did I mention that I love you all!!! Oh, a special thanks to DCFanatic4life- your review almost made me cry! Your too kind.

As always, character thoughts are in italics. I don't have a beta so all mistakes are a result of my own laziness.

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Logan twirled Bella around and leaned in to kiss Amanda. Maybe his life could be this simple one day. He could be happy, right? As he dropped down in the sand with Bella he could have sworn he heard his name, carried along as a soft whisper by the breeze that had been caressing his cheek. He thought after three years of not seeing Veronica that her memory would start to fade away but that wasn't the case. As it were, the wind even sounded like her now.

Logan looked up, scouring the landscape for the ignis fatuus that he was certain was taunting him. He caught a glimpse of the back of a cab and momentarily thought it was strange before going back to his search for the inconceivable. Even the soft ocean breeze meant to soothe was mocking him today. He was suddenly in the mood for a drink.

As Logan made his way back to his cottage, Bella, Amanda and her sister all in tow, he tried to shake the thoughts of Veronica from his head. He had a new life... she was undoubtedly happy without him and the idea that they could save each other was nothing but a school boy fantasy. He'd just keep telling himself that and maybe one day he would believe it.

Once Logan stepped inside the cottage he was overwhelmed with a scent that was all Veronica. He swore he wasn't imagining things either... he could almost feel her. The smell of sun-ripened raspberries and something distinctly Veronica hung in the air like a cloud of memories. Frozen to the spot where he stood just inside the doorway, he didn't even register Amanda's voice when she spoke.

"Brody... Brody...Brody!!"

Logan suddenly realized she was calling... rather yelling his name.

"What...oh... sorry... I just..."

"Where did that come from," Amanda asked pointing to a silver lighter on the coffee table. "You should be careful what you leave out with Bella around."

He vaguely registered her saying something else but her voice became nothing but white noise on the outside of his overactive brain and fluttering heart. Thankfully his feet were way ahead of his thoughts as he turned to run out the door.

"Veronica! Veronica!"

He shouted her name desperately, like he thought she just might materialize before his very eyes. He was though... desperate for her. He never once realized how much until this very moment. Feeling her, smelling her, yet having her slip away into the darkness wasn't something he thought he could handle again. He tried to give her up, he really did, but she was like top shelf liquor to a wino... beautifully perfect, devastatingly unattainable, and deceivingly dangerous all in one place. And he was the raging alcoholic.

He tried hard to think. Was she really here? Was it really her or just his mind playing cruel tricks on him like it had so many times before. Every time he had seen her sitting in the sand, laying in his bed, skirting along the new tide, he'd been renewed by the desire that she had found him. That was until he reached for her only to be broken from the inside out as her memory dissipated like a mirage of his soul. It would never be real no matter how many times he wished it different. He had almost given in to the part of him that told him that very thing until a voice thick with accent spoke pulling him from his reverie.

"You look for American girl?"

It was Carlos his well-intentioned but sometimes nosey neighbor.

"Yes, Yes! Did you see her? What did she look like?"

"Pretty, real pretty... short... yellow hair."

"When did she leave?! Which way did she go?!"

Logan needed answers and fast.

"Taxi... that way," Carlos said pointing off in the direction of Veronica's departure. "Ten minutes."

Logan didn't wait for him to finish if he wasn't finished, nor did he try to explain it to Amanda when he stormed into the cottage, grabbing his car keys. He would talk to her later. Right now he had more important things to do. He had to go after the love of his life. Trying to live his life without her had been like surviving in the desert with only the water from a cactus barely keeping you alive while you yearn to jump in the spring of that ever elusive oasis.

He decided right then that if she loved Duncan or Connor... or whomever... if she wanted to deny him, she would have to do it to his face. He didn't believe her that morning at her apartment but his pride had gotten in the way. Then that letter, the letter about Duncan. His Veronica would have never done that. She was afraid to face him for some reason. Maybe she was afraid that she would never be able to let go. But he had been too far gone in a bottle, too wrapped up in his own self pity to fight for her at the time. So he'd just let that letter rip his heart out, all the while convincing himself that she'd be better off with him dead.

The lighter had been a sign. He'd said once upon a time that if they were truly epic that he would somehow get it back from her. And there it had sat on the coffee table, placed with care, waiting for him. He would find her, would fight tooth and nail to keep her, and he'd be damned if he'd ever let her go.

The early evening turned into a late night and not bringing Logan any closer to finding Veronica. He had searched every cab company, airport, and rental car place in a fifty mile radius only to come up with dead ends every time. It became more increasingly obvious to him that there was only thing left he could do. He would use his emergency lifeline.

Upon arriving back at the cottage he found Amanda sitting in the dark on the bench on the front porch. Sudden guilt washed over him, realizing that he'd took off after Veronica without so much as a word to her. She had always been so open, so understanding when it came to him. He hated to cause her any pain but there it was written all over her beautiful face.

I tried but I could never measure up.

He knew what she would say before she even opened her mouth. He'd been through this before. As much as he tried to make it different, none of them could ever measure up to Veronica... not even the good ones.

"I was waiting for you."

"I figured. Look Amanda... I'm sorry... I..."

"I mean... how do you even know it was her?"

"I just... do... and if she was here then that has to mean she has been looking for me. I don't know if she still cares... or not... but I need to find out... I owe myself that much."

"Yes, you do... but I can't be here waiting when, or if you get back."

"I never meant to hurt you... I swear. I really hoped that maybe we could have a life together one day.

"I know... but just not as much as you wished that life was with her instead."

Logan just hung his head, unable to look at her at all. He couldn't say anything. What she had said was the truth and he owed her more than just the normal break-up pleasantries.

"After my sister leaves, I'll make sure all of my things are gone and I will give you back your key."

"Take your time. I'll be leaving soon and I'm not sure when I'll be back."

Amanda nodded in understanding. Logan got up to go inside before turning to look at her.

"You have to know that I cared about you, right. I did...I do... I really care about you."

She forged a small smile when she returned his gaze.

"It's ok. I knew from the moment you called me that first time that this moment might come."

Logan looked confused.

"What do you mean? I thought you said you didn't know about Veronica until later?

"No... no I didn't but the first day we met... when you sat at my table... I watched you. You had that look in your eyes...the look of eternal heartbreak. I knew then that you heart would never be yours to give. I guess as time progressed I had just hoped that you could forget... that time surely could heal all wounds. I was wrong."

Looking at her with a new fondness he replied, "You deserve better... better than me."

"No, Logan... not better than you, just better than you could give me."

She smiled again warmly at the mention of his own name. Even under the circumstances it was nice to hear her say it. He briefly wondered how he could ever let such a beautiful creature go. But then he thought of Veronica.

"I... I have to go. I need to take care of some things but I swear I'll never forget you. Your friendship... well all of it has meant more to me that you'll never know."

Amanda nodded while watching him go into the cottage, her heart silently breaking.

"Oh, and Logan..."

He turned to look at her once again.

"Yes?"

"I hope you find her."

Logan just nodded without speaking for fear that the unshed tears in his eyes would overflow at any moment. Nothing in his life could ever be easy.

After quietly tearing his closet apart he finally found the lock box that had long since been forgotten. He honestly had thought he would never need it. Thankfully the key was still hanging out of the lock, he really didn't want to search all over for that, too. After opening the box, he pulled out a cell phone and adapter. He plugged it into the wall silently praying that it worked. When he pressed the power it made a beeping noise and the screen flashed in response. Pushing the first speed dial number he held his breathe while it rang, waiting for someone to answer.

"Hello Ben?"

"Logan?! Is that you? What's the matter?! Are you in trouble?!"

"Whoa! Slow down. Yes, it's me... no I'm not in trouble... and the thing is, I need your help."

"If you're not in trouble why would you need my help?"

"She was here."

There was no need to elaborate. Ben knew who she was but he tried to hide the nervous surprise in his voice.

"Here, where? In South America?"

"Yes. She returned my lighter."

"What did she say... what did she tell you."

Ben was all out nervous now and he hoped Logan couldn't tell.

"Nothing. I never saw her. She left before I got the chance."

"Well then how do you know it was her?"

"I just know."

"Ok then, why do you need my help?"

"I have to see her."

"Logan... you can't. It would be too dangerous."

"Look, Ben... either you help me or I go about it on my own. Now which is more dangerous?"

It was silent for a minute. Ben seemed to be contemplating the issue. There were far more dangerous things about this than just Logan coming back to the states.

Logan was beginning to get frustrated.

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"Yeah, I'll help you... but we have to do it my way, no arguments, ok?"

"Ok. Whatever you say man. I just have to see her."

"Give me thirty minutes and I'll call you back with details."

"Thirty minutes. I'll be waiting."

True to his word, Agent Ben Espy called him back with the logistics of how they were going to covertly bring him back to the states. After working out all the immediate details Ben said goodbye leaving Logan to pack. Not even the FBI or a ruthless crime organization could keep him from seeing Veronica now. He had waited too long already.

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Veronica laid her head back on the soft leather seat as she listened to the pilot give instructions. Even though the small airport she had chosen was more than two hours away from Logan's, she really hadn't given much thought to the events of the evening on the way here. She was too busy covering her tracks which consisted of several different cab companies, a rental car agency and one very smelly city bus. She would go to any lengths to keep Logan safe. Logan and his family.

Logan has a family.

She tried hard not to dwell on it but the scene from the beach kept replaying in her head in slow motion over and over. He had been so far away that maybe she could just pretend it was all a dream, that the grown-up happy version of her Logan was just that. Someone else's Logan, not hers. Sighing in defeat, she guessed he now was

Come on Veronica, at least he's alive. That's what you wanted all along, isn't it. It's not like you could be together anyway, the Russians are still threatening his life.

Veronica resigned her reflection of heartbreak to do some work. If she wanted to keep Logan and his family safe she would have to figure out who the mole was and soon. She could then go to the director with all of her information, hopefully putting the Petraslovskaya bratva out of business for good. Pulling a large accordion folder from her briefcase she began perusing over her notes for about the millionth time trying to find something she hadn't seen before.

Faced with the new information that the mole was most likely someone on her team she tried to piece together a profile of the likeliest suspect. Based on her theory that it had to be someone with at least level four clearance that narrowed it down to Ben and Agent Karnes.

Ben... now that would give 'sleeping with the enemy' a whole new meaning.

But if it really was Ben, then the bratva should be one step ahead of them. Her and Ben had gotten some pretty great evidence lately, evidence that she was sure they wouldn't have gotten if he was working with them. So that just left Agent Karnes. She had to find proof, though, and she would stop at nothing to get it.

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Logan got off the plane in DC and he was immediately greeted by his old friend. He tried not to laugh at the fact that Ben had gone back to his dark suit and even darker sunglasses. The last time he saw him he was hanging in board shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt. Of course he was pretty sure his particular choice of a baseball cap worn low over his eyes and a hoodie draped over his head made for a sight, too. He imagined he looks like a criminal sans the handcuffs and Ben was there waiting to take him in.

The two men exchanged embraces before settling into the government issue black sedan.

"So when do I catch my next flight out," Logan asks, looking out the window of the car.

"You don't."

"Ben... I have to see her, please."

"Logan... there are some things you need to know and I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

"Oh, God... is Veronica ok?! Did something happen?!"

"No, Veronica is fine."

Logan started to grow very uneasy as he began to notice Ben's nervousness. He had been without contact for so long... he'd kept himself that way for so long he had no idea where she was or what she was doing and that didn't really dawn on him until just now. The tabloid cover with Connor, which consequently seemed out of place since she was supposedly in love with Duncan, was his only glimpse into Veronica's current life.

"Veronica is here in Washington. She works for the FBI."

"So you get to see her then," Logan asked hopefully. He really just wanted to make sure she was safe.

"You could say that... I'm her partner," Ben replied, a little hesitantly. He wasn't going to tell him the full extent of their 'working' relationship, at least not yet.

Logan wasn't sure exactly how to respond. He was relieved that she was in good hands but at the same time jealous because Ben got to spend so much time with his Veronica.

"So she's involved with witness protection, then? Is that how she found me or did you tell her?"

"No I didn't tell her, I couldn't... you know, sworn to government secrecy... that sort of thing. And no we aren't witness protection, so I'm not sure how she found you... but I have a pretty good idea."

"So what are you guys working on then?"

"Organized crime."

Ben didn't elaborate, hoping that Logan would just leave it at that. The less he knew, the better. He was trying to be a good friend to Logan but there were only so many lines he was willing to cross. But Ben didn't have to, Logan could read between the lines, read the things on Ben's face he was unwilling to tell. Logan felt his anger start to well up inside, anger that once again stemmed from Veronica's thirst for danger. But this time he couldn't be there to protect her.

"How could you let her get involved with them?! How could you... after I asked you, pleaded with you to make sure she was ok?! Getting involved with the Sergei Sorokin is not ok!"

"I'm sorry, Logan. You know Veronica... you know how she is. Once she's got it in her mind to do something, she's going to do it no matter who or what stands in her way."

Ben sighed, guilt ripping through his insides. He was reminded that he was using her own relentlessness against her. That she would stop at nothing to get revenge for not only Logan but for what she'd lost in the process, her faith. Deep down Veronica had thought that their love would be able to survive, that eventually she'd be able to bring the Sorokins down and tell Logan the truth... but the FBI had taken that away from her. The faith that she'd fought so hard to believe in died when she'd thrown the single white lily on his coffin. And now Veronica was going to have to live with the lies all over again. The closer Ben got to her, the more his heart ached for her, the more his guilt kept him awake at nights, especially when it was her who was nestled in his arms.

They continued the drive in silence, neither really knowing what to say. Ben, afraid to say too much... Logan afraid to press too hard. They arrived at the hotel and Ben went in to check Logan in. As he made his way back to the car he took the opportunity to study Logan for a moment. Even under the baseball cap, Ben could see the apprehension and anxiousness but most of all the hope... hope that she still loved him. He knew first hand what Veronica could do to a man, she'd been slowly wiggling her way into his heart, too. And by far that was the most dangerous thing he'd ever done.

Ben sidled up beside him and dropped the key in his hands along with the keys to a rental car he had arranged for earlier.

"So...here is her address, the rental is equipped with GPS so you shouldn't have any trouble finding it. I have some things that I still have to take care of but I made sure she'd be home. Just promise me that you will go straight there and that no matter what happens you'll keep a low profile."

"I promise... thanks man."

"Oh, and one more thing Logan... you cannot tell Veronica that it was me who put you in witness protection. She can't know that we know each other. Please... it's for her own protection. The less she knows about this operation the better."

"Sure."

Ben helped him carry his bags up to the room and briefly scanned it for any signs of trouble. Satisfied, he said his goodbyes, leaving Logan with a phone number to reach him at and left. He had his own surveillance to do.

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After taking a shower and changing clothes, Logan drove over to Veronica's house only to find himself unable to get out of the car. He just sat and stared at her house trying to drum up the courage to get out and knock on the door. Her house was small, probably two bedrooms if he had to guess, but it was pretty and was in a nice neighborhood. It was a light shade of blue with a white porch and he silently wondered how she kept the basket plants hanging from it alive. He'd never known Veronica to be much of a green thumb but maybe she had changed just like him. Maybe their tendencies to be selfish, unable to nurture anything else but themselves had faded with time. He was ready for a real, mature relationship, one void of trust issues and secrets and unwillingness to let the other in. He hoped beyond hope that she'd be ready, too... ready for him.

Logan sighed. If he didn't get out now, he would drive away like a coward or Veronica and her keen sense of observation would notice him. He wanted the element of surprise. Generally that was always best with Veronica. If she didn't have time to think, she would give into her heart. So Logan got out of the car, shifted his feet nervously on her welcome mat and knocked on the door.

Veronica heard a knock on the door and immediately went for her sidearm. She never took anything for granted. She knew she was playing with fire but it was worth it. Going to the picture window, pulling back the curtains just slightly, she looked to see who was doing the knocking. When she saw him her knees became weak and she had to prop herself against the wall to keep from sliding to the floor.

There he was, one Logan Echolls, undoubtably the love of her life, standing on her doorstep...in the flesh, real honest-to-God flesh. She'd seen him before only a couple of days ago, but he'd been so far away. Far enough away to convince herself it was all a dream, a dream with a twisted happy ending. He was alive but it wasn't his life, he wasn't her Logan Echolls anymore. He was Brody Lester, husband and father. Brody Lester, lover of someone else, lover of someone not Veronica Mars. She was happy he was alive but angrysadhurt that he'd moved on with someone else. She'd tried to tell herself she had no right to feel that way, after all it was her that shattered their inevitable reconciliation hopes. He had felt it, too. Knew that they were destined to ride eternity as one soul, unable to survive without the other. That's what made it so hard, made everything so hard.

She wanted just to sink to the floor, pretend that she wasn't here at all, but she knew Logan wouldn't give up. If she didn't answer he would just camp out on her doorstep until she came home. And much to her chagrin, the Sorokins were still out there. It wasn't safe and him being on her doorstep made it twice as dangerous. So in an act of reluctance yet ultimately longing, she opened the door.

Veronica gazed into the eyes of the one man she could never forget... would never forget. His beautiful brown pools of intensity stared at her like he was trying to bore right through her. Like he was trying to memorize every part of her starting from the inside. Like she was the last stop on his ultimate life's journey. Like he was just about to devour every last bit of her. She knew the feeling. She'd almost forgotten what that kind of unbridled passion could do to her. Tiny specks of light started to blur her vision and her knees started to buckle under her but she never hit the floor. She never fell when he was around... he was always there to catch her even when she didn't want to be caught.

His strong hands reached out for her, one clutching her waist, the other around her head, pulling her into his warm, powerful embrace. Before she had time to react, his mouth crashed on hers sending a single unhinging shiver all the way down her body. Without thinking she threw her arms around the back of his neck pulling herself closer into his oh-so familiar touch. She had longed for the day when she could taste his lips on hers again, their warmth coinciding with the tingles they gave the rest of her body.

Tears began to flow from her eyes as she fought to no avail to keep the emotions seeping from her body, mind and soul from crashing out. As tears slid down her cheeks he reached up and wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs, grasping her face with the rugged affection only his hands could give her.

Once her lungs started begging for air her brain started catching up with what was happening, she tried to pull away. Logan moved his hands from her face to her back, encircling her, unwilling to let her go. It took every last bit of will that Veronica had to push herself away from the intoxicating hold he had on her.

"Logan," she panted, trying to catch her breath, "We can't... I can't..."

Looking up at him she saw that she wasn't the only one with tears to shed. He was crying, too, his eyes pleading with her not to run away, telling her that he needed her, just as much as she needed him. If her heart wasn't shattered already, it would have done so right then.

"Veronica..."

Logan finally spoke for the first time, his voice choked with tears, yet seeping with emotion. Her tears only started falling faster now. Her name from his lips... she had longed to hear it for so long, she just couldn't keep it together. He pulled her close again, this time just holding her as she sobbed, his own tears continuing to fall.

They stayed that way for what seemed like hours but in reality was just minutes, each unwilling to let go. Veronica's brain was screaming the many reasons why this was a bad idea but her heart just wouldn't relinquish its hold on the moment. Finally she worked up enough resolve to try to do what she had to do. She pulled away from his embrace but wouldn't meet his eyes. She couldn't let him pull her in, she had to be strong.

"Please Logan... you have to leave. We can't do this."

"Why not Veronica," he asked, gently pleading. "Why are you pushing me away?"

"I... I... I'm in love with someone else" she stumbled over the words, trying to think of something, anything that would push him away.

"Veronica... look at me," he demanded gently, pulling her chin up to meet his eyes. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you love someone else, that you don't love me, that your heart hasn't been aching for me like mine has been for you."

"But Logan... you have a family..."

Logan was in shock.

A family?

"A family? What are you talk... The beach, you saw me on the beach... the cab... you were in the cab."

Veronica nodded silently, looking only at the floor, unable to be under the scrutiny of his gaze any longer.

"That's why you left without a word."

He began to laugh a little, but there was no bitterness in it.

"Typical Veronica Mars."

"I don't see what is so funny, Logan," she snapped before lowering her tone to one of sadness. "I just didn't want... you seemed... you looked happy."

Logan once again forced her to look at him directly in the eyes.

"I don't have a family. That was my girlfriend and her niece that you saw me with... and my girlfriend... well we aren't together anymore."

Veronica tried hard not to break again. If she let him see her this vulnerable, this raw, she would never get him to leave. It was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. Logan was alive and he wasn't married. This should be the happiest day of her life, but Gory's words still echoed deep within the walls of her mind. She couldn't, she wouldn't survive him dying all over again. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be stern.

"It doesn't matter anyway, Logan. Like I already told you... I'm in love with someone else. It's too late for us. We were always a train wreck waiting to happen, I can't let you drag me with you."

"Duncan... is it Duncan," he asked with complete disbelief in his voice.

"No... it's not Duncan... that didn't work out," she lied, hoping he couldn't see right through her but knowing he did anyway.

"It's my partner. I'm with the FBI, now," she added as an afterthought, unsure of how much he knew about her new life."

"Your partner?!"

Logan was in shock and his anger was bubbling up from the inside. He was desperate to punch something while his brain worked around what she was telling him. He wasn't even sure that she was telling the truth but Ben's reluctance to tell him anything about her and his obvious anxiety that accompanied the mention of her name spoke it's own truth. They were involved on some level and right now that was just too much for him to handle. The sudden realization that he had been betrayed by a supposed friend hit him hard. He didn't know why he was surprised, though. Everyone in his life had betrayed him at one point or another. But Ben had earned his trust, he had known how much he still loved Veronica. He was supposed to look out for her, not fall in love with her.

Veronica looked at him inquisitively, unsure of why that particular revelation seemed to upset him so much. She wasn't sure he even believed her but he seemed to be caught up by his anger. But this was the best opportunity she had to try and make him leave. It was risky enough just him being here, he had to leave before it became down right dangerous. Besides if he stayed any longer she wasn't sure she'd be able to let him go.

"Logan," she started, with a firm voice, "You have to leave... now. If you love me at all, you will let me be happy. I asked you once to stay out of my life... now I'm pleading with you."

Veronica was trying so hard to keep the tears from welling in her eyes. If she ever thought that the days couldn't get any harder, she was entirely wrong. She just prayed that he wouldn't try to kiss her again because there would be no way she'd be able to resist him again. She constantly ached for his touch and being in such close proximity while being without it was like dying a very slow and painful death.

For Logan the knowledge that one more person had betrayed him was too much. He didn't have the fight in him right now. He didn't even have it in him to be angry at Veronica for pushing him away, again.

"Is that what you really want, Veronica?"

He asked in such a broken voice, it almost killed her. He seemed to have the life drained out of him and she desperately wanted to kiss it right back into him. But there was only one thing she could do. She answered.

No, no, no, no, no...

"Yes."

It was one word. One word that took every last ounce of resolve she had. One word that came out of her mouth while her heart was screaming the exact opposite. She had to believe, though, that one day she would be able to nail the Sorokins to the wall and they could be together. Maybe one day they could get their happy ending... but it wouldn't be today.

Logan turned around facing the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob.

"Have a good life, Veronica."

And with that he walked out of the door and out of her life... yet again.

To be continued...

Comments are love and I'm in need of some lovin'...