Stefan's POV

I was sitting on the bench in our back yard, full of questions again, watching the sky and cursing everything around me.

I was tired, feeling as if someone has beaten me up again and left me somewhere with all the bad stuff on my mind to deal with alone. I was trying to enjoy my last cigarette, hoping that somehow it shall provide me with more time and keep my mind away from whatever was going inside the house. My brother would probably wake up soon again and I had to go inside.

He got sick with the flu, or at least that's what we thought until the doctor said it has progressed into a bronchitis. In the past two weeks he hasn't left the house and me and Bonnie had to take care of him. Though, this wasn't a place for her and James, especially not when she was pregnant, so eventually she agreed to going for a few days at her mother's place until Damon heals completely. She didn't want to leave his side at all and I guess there was the fact that I barely took care of myself, let alone deal with another sick person, but with many persuasions from me and my brother she agreed with the condition that she calls me every two hours and to which I agreed even though I realized it would mean I won't be getting any sleep. As I looked at my watch I realized it's been more than 48 hours since I've woken up and that somehow didn't seem so much considering how fast the time passed. At least he was finally getting better and Bonnie was coming home soon, because I don't know how much more I would be able to keep myself together. Especially since I haven't taken any of my own pills lately besides from the basic painkillers which didn't help at all.

If it wasn't for Peter and Elena they would've probably kicked me out of school too, but they both helped me give in most of the assignments and I went to all the classes where we were supposed to make important exams. Other than that I mainly skipped school, because I either had to take care of him or go to work for a night shift, in which time I remained nervous as hell that something might happen to him while I'm away. I asked Emma to take a look at him every three hours until I got home so she was probably out biggest support and I silently thanked for Bonnie 's ability to make friends fast. Damon was supposed to rest until next week but he was already being stubborn claiming that he should be back to work on Monday and I have been fighting with him since yesterday, though I wasn't progressing in any way. It was almost two in the morning and I was sure he'll wake up coughing soon enough, just because that's what's been repeating in the last five days. I hated seeing him like that and finally understood what he's been through with me. Watching your closest person in pain wasn't the worst thing that can happen in life-being unable to help him is. The medications, the doctors-they stop being effective once you have to support another person to the table or get him through the bathroom or keep him in your arms while he coughs his lungs out. And then you realize nothing helps or if it does-it's not effective and fast enough. That's how it must have been for him when I couldn't move my ass a meter away from the bed. Not that now is that different, he just doesn't know about it. And I was dealing with it all by myself, which is how it should've been back then too.

Elena and me-we couldn't really spent much time together, but even the sweet fifteen minutes after I've finished work were irreplaceable for me. And I hoped for her too. She seemed very tired lately, because she was studying day and night, trying to keep her grades up. Peter on the other hand was training almost all by himself, I really couldn't find time for him, not now and they had a big game in the upcoming week in which, we were finally hoping, that scouts would notice him. I felt bad for neglecting them both but Elena forbid me from even saying that I feel guilty about it and she scolded me a lot for thinking such stuff. She understood that now I had a family issue and I had to deal with it. Moreover, I owed so much to my brother, I could never repay him. I guess that's what kept me going in those hell-ish weeks. She was so supportive and she still managed to find time for me late after midnight when we would talk on the phone for hours, even though she was sleepy and I was beyond tired.

She never left my side, she didn't want to and I only wished to admit how much I needed her but every time I tried starting the subject she managed to prevent me from going on, so I guessed she just doesn't want us to go into such details about our feelings yet and I was ok with it. She was insecure when it came to discussing whatever was going on between us as a serious relationship and I wasn't in any rush. I acted as if I wasn't gonna leave in a few months, as if my life here has no expiration day, as if I would stay forever like this-happy and in love and I knew I wouldn't, but I just didn't have the heart to admit it to myself, to face that it was all just an illusion. A good one though. I liked thinking it would last forever. The bad thing is I'm not that foolish anymore.

Life is not a dream. It can't be perfect, you can't have it all. Things turn upside down in order to test you, but not to necessary make you tougher or wiser. Sometimes they screw up beyond repair and leave you helpless or alone. It's like that and it's never going to change. The sky, the stars I was looking at, they would remain long after I was gone, while my life continues to be inconsistent and lack a meaning. Nothing worth-remembering would happen, nothing would ever become significant. And that tortured me, it kept bugging me and left me wondering when it came to finding sense in things to hold on to.

But as I entered my brother's room and saw him awake again, coughing as bad as it was the previous days I realized I have bigger problems than to figure what was my place in the world and what it all meant, because right now it only mattered how he is and if he's going to feel better. I stayed with him for another hour, trying to ease him with the medications and a big dosage of tea until eventually, after he has kept blabbing for an hour that he's fine and I should go to bed and leave him the hell alone( he cursed a lot when he was in pain), he finally fell asleep and I went to my own room hoping to get some sleep myself, though I knew I probably wouldn't and I turned out to be right so I decided to write some in the notebook I always carried with me. I've been doing it a lot lately-putting down not only what has happened, but also some thoughts and stuff I always seemed to pay more attention to. I didn't stop until I realized it was morning and I had to start getting myself ready for work. I made myself coffee and prepared a big breakfast for Damon, which he almost finished and that was surely a good sign. I was just glad that Bonnie and James were coming back tomorrow since it would definitely lighten up his mood and improve his whole condition. I even made him move a little more today and got him out in the backyard for a few minutes. He was dying for a cigarette, but of course that was impossible so I just poured him a big cup of coffee and distract him as much as I could from his desires. I was sure that if Bonnie was home he wouldn't even think of smoking, but because he craved for her and missed her like hell he was willing to give in all sorts of forbidden pleasures. Eventually I left him at the kitchen couch, watching footballs, hoping that he would eventually just doze off, which happened even before I got out.

As I tried to put my shoes on I staggered and almost fell. I had to wait for another few minutes completely still until the pain left me. I let a deep sigh out and slowly limped away to the bus station. Somehow I believed that that problem will sort himself out, but deep down I was starting to lack confidence and yet I preferred to live like that and withstand all the pain I could, because there were other people in my family that needed me now and I had to be there for them.

Elena's POV

I went by the factory around half past ten and sat on the bench where I usually waited for Stefan. The night wasn't at all cold, unlike the previous ones. I hugged my bag in which I've put Stefan's sandwich and smiled to myself, happy that I will finally see him, maybe for a little more since his brother was getting better and wouldn't need his immediate presence all the time.

In those past two weeks Stefan seemed more tired than ever to me. I don't think he was sleeping at all , but I doubted that was the biggest problem. I guess whatever was inside him kept him nervous- he was worried about Damon, wondering what he should do, how he should help him. Mainly he was trying to figure out how to manage and deal with everything he was supposed to do. I was wondering how he kept himself sane-I would've probably gone crazy. He had so many things on his plate it was a miracle he found time to eat and take a nap every twelve hours. On top of it- he even went to work. I tried to help him with whatever I could, but somehow it seemed as if it was never enough and I felt bad about it.

I smiled as I remembered that he told me he was grateful that I was calling him all the time. It made me blush and I weirdly changed the subject without saying anything in return. But it made me feel good, it made me feel wanted.

Now, he was getting late and I started worrying. He wasn't looking good lately and that made me quite nervous, but he always avoided my questions when I asked him if he is really fine. I watched all the other employers leave, even the boy who often worked with him when they were unloading the trucks. I remembered his face and as he passed by me I found myself staring at the front door and felt my hands getting a little colder than usually. I don't know why I had this bad pit in my stomach, this week everything was going upside down and I was often annoyed either with Caroline or angry that I can't get all my work done and now this…I only wished he could finally come out.

And he did, but as I saw him barely walking and trying to support himself while leaning on the the door I stood up abruptly and almost dropped my bag.

I practically ran towards him.

He didn't see me at first because he has leaned back at the front wall and was looking around him for the nearest bench. He couldn't really stay up and needed something to support him. I silently cursed and as I finally got closer I noticed how pale he really was. He looked at me scared and confused. He didn't expect to see me here. It was actually supposed to be a surprise. Something to make him feel better, to help him forget all his worries. Was I really that blind-he couldn't walk, how did I not see this coming? Now all the moments he abruptly hang up on me and the times he insisted on me leaving earlier in the nights made sense-he didn't want me to see him like this. What was happening now has probably been repeating in the past two weeks, though at this moment it seemed worse, because I've never seen him so helpless before and it scared me out of my mind.

"Stefan" I came by his side and caught him before he could have the chance to collapse on the cold ground.

"Elena" he whispered and leaned his head back. I noticed his eyes were dizzy and his hand was too warm "What are you doing here?"

I neglected his question and stared at him with my furrowed eyebrows.

"What's wrong?" I asked while trying to pull myself together since I was feeling my hands were starting to treble. He wasn't heavy but I was still too weak to support him and I realized we needed help though I had no idea who to call. He was obviously thinking about the same thing and he nodded me towards the nearest bench while in the same time trying to calm me down by gently caressing my palm with his thumb, even though it should be the other way around. We barely made two steps and he stopped. I was afraid he'll fall and I caught myself praying. Just words like "God, just a few more steps, just a few more" and that repeated for the next few minutes while we stood there and he tried to find whatever strength he was left with inside him so we can finally sit.

As we did I immediately intervened my fingers with his but his eyes remained closed. I could see he was barely trying to keep himself together and not lose conscious.

"Stefan. What the hell is going on?"

"Call Peter." he let out silently and finally looked at me "Call him, he knows what to do."

"What? But-"

"Elena, just do it." he raised his voice a little but he wasn't cutting me off, he was trying to persuade me it was the right thing "He's seen me like that. He knows" he started repeating his previous sentence but didn't have the strength to finish it and closed his eyes again while tightening his grip as he was undergoing another pain attack. I searched for his phone and dialed Peter's number. As he heard my voice he figured there was something wrong. It was like he knew why Stefan could be calling him so late and I wondered again how many times before that has happened. He said to wait for him there, that he's coming as fast as I could, but that only got me more nervous. I didn't know how much time we could stay like that. The night was getting cold and I found he has started to tremble and his eyes were still closed as if he thought that when he opens them I might see all his pain and he didn't want to scare me. I realized he was thinking about not hurting me even when he was on the verge of losing his mind from what was killing him inside. I pulled his head down to my arms so he could lean on something.

"I'm sorry" he whispered as I gave him a small kiss on the forehead. He was burning up.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked confused. Did he felt guilty again for something.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he kept repeating and I realized he might not be talking to me at all. That he was probably delirious since he was in such pain. I tightened my grip again and stroke his hair a little in order to calm him down. "I'm sorry, I really am."

"It's fine, Stefan." I whispered, trying to give him the impression that it was all good and he wasn't struggling with pain in the middle of the night, hugged in me, feeling all vulnerable, waiting for his best friend to come help him, because he couldn't just tell his family. He didn't want to do this to them and yet he was willing to sacrifice his own comfort so that they could keep believing that he was fine and there was nothing wrong with him. "It's all gonna be ok." I kept soothing him and he continued breathing heavily in my hands until Peter finally arrived. He really did came as fast as he could, considering he was still at the gym as I called him.

He practically jumped off the car and ran towards us just as I did when I realized what was going on. He wasn't at all gentle with Stefan like I was. He practically ripped him off of my embrace and made him stand sit and with his eyes open.

"Stefan! Wake up." he shook his shoulders and I noticed Stefan finally meeting his gaze after a few minutes of watching everything but his friend "Hey, hey, you here with me, yeah?" he continued shaking him and I wanted to scold him for doing so but I realized he probably knew what he was doing.

He seemed so pissed off, his face was red and his voice was very stern, but deep down I could catch him worrying and trying to cover it, because right now he had to seem strong.

"Peter" Stefan let out silently

"Where are your pills?" Peter didn't pay attention to his friend's pleading voice and waited impatiently for Stefan to give him an answer but since he didn't he started turning up his pockets "Where are they?"

"I don't.." Stefan started and he freed his hand from mine only to catch the side of the bench. Was he afraid that he could hurt me "I haven't" he stuttered again "taken.."

Peter threw his hands in the air and started cursing.

"Jesus Christ, Stefan! Are you out of your freaking mind?"

"Peter" I tried to intervene. They both acted as if I wasn't there at all, but Peter just threw me an angry glance and leaned down to Stefan again.

"For how long?"

"Two weeks... or so." he said with his hoarse voice, barely speaking. As if the words were a burden he had to carry with himself too.

"You stubborn idiot!" he almost yelled.

"Peter!" I stood up abruptly only to face his angry and annoyed expression.

"Don't Peter me" he finally turned towards me "if he was listening to what people are telling him he wouldn't be like that." I furrowed my eyebrows confused and was about to ask what was this all about but Stefan interrupted me.

"Peter just…help me please. I can't go home like that."

"Well maybe you should." I could see how angry he was "Maybe I should just go to your brother and tell him everything since you are not going to do it."

"Would someone care to explain me what is this all about?" they suddenly both remained silent and looked at each other for a minute. Stefan's stare was pleading. He didn't want me to know. He was trying to keep his secrets away from me and that made me angry. Why was he trying to hide this so hard? Didn't he want me there for him? Peter ran his fingers towards his hand and made a few steps up and down while probably trying to figure what exactly he should do next.

"Come on" he finally said defeated and gently tried to help Stefan stand up "Slowly now. It's going to be fine" he even started reassuring him and they both moved patiently until we finally reached Peter's jeep and he turned towards me. "You should go home. I can take it from here."

"No way." I stated stubbornly and with a very cold voice. He was doing nothing but ignore me ever since he came and that was no way to treat a girl. I was the one who called him after all.

"Elena" Stefan intervened with his weak voice.

"I'm not leaving your side until I know you are fine." I was really nervous and practically yelled at them both. Couldn't they get it? I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I knew Stefan was somewhere in pain and I'm not there to at least try and take care of him.

"God, you're stubborn." Peter finally nodded and I helped him put Stefan in the backseat. In a minute he was already heading downtown. I noticed that Stefan closed his eyes the minute we put him in a horizontal position.

"He needs a doctor."

"No, we're going to the pharmacy to take him drugs. "

"But-"

"The doctor won't tell him anything he doesn't already know, Elena. I've been there done that. Trust me."

"What is this all about? Why is he like this?" I desperately needed to find a reason behind all this. And most importantly-how long it has been happening and how on earth did I not notice it before?

"We'll talk later." he answered me vaguely and I noticed him looking at the mirror, keeping an eye on Stefan and his heavy breathing in the backseat. In a few minutes he pulled up in front of the only non-stop working pharmacy we had in Mystic Falls and looked up for Stefan's wallet where he was supposed to be keeping the doctor's prescription. He found it quite easily and hopped out of the car before I could count even try and offer to come with him.-Stay here. Sometimes he gets delirious and tries to stand up.-he added as he was just about to close the door.

It took him quite a while to come back and as he did he was even more mad than before and his face expressed something bigger than anger. I couldn't stop feeling nervous and concerned and was still not sure if not going to the doctor was the right decision but after all I had to trust Peter, since Stefan was obviously doing it. I didn't ask him anything until we got to their house, because I could see how mad he was and I didn't want to provoke him unnecessarily. He was scared, just like me, but he covered it with all the negative feelings he could have inside him now and I found this fact sad.

He practically carried Stefan to the house and made me open the door for them after which he led me to a room somewhere in the left corner of the first floor. Stefan has started mumbling something to himself and was in this place between reality and dream. We put him down on the bed and I wanted to make him lean down but Peter stopped me.

"No, keep him sitting straight." he ordered and took out all the pills he has bought from his pocket. Then went out to get some water. Stefan wasn't paying attention to me at all, he was silently observing only Peter's actions and even though I was caressing his back and whispering to him that it shall all be fine I don't believe he was letting any of my words sink in. I tried taking off his jacket but he didn't want me to since he still felt cold

"No, no, leave me alone"

"Stefan" I shook my head and tried to make him look me in the eyes.

"Leave me."

"Will you stop bashing on the people trying to help you?" Peter said loud as he finally returned back in the room with a glass of water and helped me get him undressed.

"Dylan, leave me alone." he repeated again and we realized that he wasn't at all here with us again, which made us avoid each other's glances since that fact hurt too much. Peter didn't found it necessary to explain to him that he's not Dylan. He just made him take the pills and I helped him change his shirt. I realized this was the first I saw him half-naked and I tried to prevent myself from blushing though I felt my cheeks turning red and looked away so Peter wouldn't notice it. Stefan wasn't joking when he said he has many scars-he really did and that made me feel guilty-for what, I wasn't really sure of, but it was just that bad pit in my stomach that refused to leave me. We tried putting on the t-shirt but he started protesting again. He was stubborn and it has started making me angry. I knew he wasn't himself right now and I shouldn't really be blaming him for anything but I just realized why was Peter scolding him so much-he was the biggest masochist I've ever seen in this world.

"I'm not gonna leave you" he answered with his angry tone again and pushed him back so he can finally lean down and nodded me towards the pillows on the chair next to me. "And I'm Peter, not Dylan." I looked up at Stefan and found him finally realizing that he's not where he thought he was. He was letting it all sink in. I guess in some moments he was here and in others he just gave in to the pain and lost himself in the non-reality.

"Peter" he let out and for a moment our gazes met but he hurried to look away. Was he feeling uncomfortable with me being here? "I'm fine."

"Yeah, right. You know I've heard you say this so many times and I'm still somehow not that dumb to believe it." he threw a blanket over him and Stefan let a big sight out, annoyed that someone was treating him like a kid. He wasn't a kid, we knew that, but he was in pain and that changed things, even if he didn't want to admit it

"Peter" he tried raising up but his friend put him back down

"Go to sleep now." Stefan didn't protest anymore and closed his eyes. I knew he wasn't asleep yet because I caught his hand and he tightened his grip. In fifteen minutes he was out and Peter went to take a cup of coffee for me and a glass of bourbon for himself. We sat back there and remained in silence for a while just watching Stefan asleep, finally in some peace with himself. I had so many questions I needed the answers to. I knew maybe now wasn't the time to ask them since Peter himself seemed pretty tired but I had to understand. I needed to.

"I have the feeling this isn't the first time you're doing all this?" I started and he shook his head while still staring at his glass, as if alcohol was the essence of life and nothing else matter. Or was he trying to calm himself down with it? To make himself feel better and to stop his hands from trembling-because I could see him finally giving in and shaking a little, just as I was a little before he came. "How many?"

"Three or four, I lost count. Or more like-I didn't feel like remembering all the nights my friend couldn't get himself home." I felt like I don't need to ask him questions, somehow he was up to talking to me finally. I couldn't figure if he felt lonely or if he needed to tell me because of the greater good. "He needs you, you know? You're probably the only person that can persuade him to take care of himself since it's obvious I failed that task." he added, disappointment evident in his voice.

"You didn't" I said in disbelief, but he shook his head again and avoided my look. The room was filled with that heaviness, like there was something preventing us from breathing, like something was suffocating us. I couldn't figure if it was the pain the boy before us felt or if it was our grief and guilt filling up the whole universe around us. We were three broken people staying in the same room, trying to figure out what to do, how to continue from now on, what to change, what to be afraid of and what to let in.

I, for one, was already regretting my choices. I should've told Stefan everything that was on my mind. I should've admitted it, because if I've learned from anything in my life by now it was that exactly when you think you have time, you don't and it can be taken away from you in less than a minute.

Stefan's POV

I woke up, feeling the sharp pain, that's been with me in the last few weeks find its way up to the center of my whole human being, and opened slowly my eyes just as someone squeezed my hand, though it took me a few minutes to focus and define who it was.

"Elena" I let out and she came closer to me, sitting on the side of the bed while I tried to get myself up, but she put me back down by touching me gently on the chest. I looked around and realized I wasn't dreaming-she was really here and this was Peter's house. I started remembering what happened-she was waiting for me in front of the factory and then I made her call Peter, once I realized I can't make it by myself. I seriously can't figure out why I felt so bad since I was fine the morning before that. Were things really starting to screw up or was I just more tired than usually and couldn't withstand the pain? She continued holding my hand and I finally realized there were tears in her eyes that she was desperately trying to keep from falling. I pulled her hand and made her lean a little-Lie next to me.-I let out and moved a little even if it caused me pain so she can join me and put her head on the pillow as well. For a minute or two we lay there only staring at each other's eyes and I couldn't help but feel beyond sad, only because I managed to read the same thing in her brown ocean of darkness. She was hopeless again. And I was the reason for it. I moved one of her locks behind her ear and gently put my hand on her cheek with the initial intention to move away but she stopped me and put her palm above mine while closing her eyes and letting a few tears finally find their way onto the clean white sheets. "Elena"

"Don't." she whispered-Don't tell me it's all fine, that you're good, because it's only a lie and we both know it.-I wiped a tear away with my thumb as if I was trying to make her feel better, to help her relax, but she understood the meaning behind that and shook her head again "Peter told me everything. About Atlanta, about you hiding it from me, from your brother and everyone. About how many times he came to find you like this and you never listened to him and I…I just honestly can't get why you never told me.'

It was time for me to close my eyes, not because I didn't want to face her but because I was afraid she could see the pain passing through me again and I definitely tried to avoid it at all costs right now.

"Because I am in love with you" to hell with everything I said to myself. It was the truth, she better knows it "I am in love with you "I repeated and opened my eyes only to face her confused look. She didn't pull away though. She caught my hand and I leaned closer to her, touching her forehead with mine "That's why. I never want to hurt you so I decided that you shouldn't know. I didn't consider it to be a problem really, to be honest I still don't. It's something I've accepted and I'm trying to deal with it all by myself."

"Well you can't do that." she interrupted me "You just can't. There are people around you-me, Peter, your brother, his family-they care about you."

"This is my weight to carry" I raised my voice a little, not trying to sound rude at all, just being completely honest while expressing whatever was on my mind right now "It all happened because of me and now I need to live with it. It doesn't mean I have to make others do the same. It's not their burden, not their problem."

"God, you are just so stubborn, Stefan! Can't you see it? I'm not gonna stop worrying. I'm not going to leave you, I'm here, now, it's almost dawn and I'm here with you because you're scaring me out of my mind and because I can't help myself! I want to be next to you, to kiss you, to hold your hand, to talk to you and you're just throwing all that away because you don't want people to care about you. You're not letting them do that. Why? What is so scary? They won't leave you! I'm here, are you listening to me?" I've closed my eyes again, unable to face her and refuse to open them until she finally presses her lips against mine and I let it all be "I'm here, Stefan Salvatore and for your information I am madly in love with you too." I smiled and our foreheads touched again and we stood like this for ..I don't know half an hour? More? But we weren't sleeping. Sometimes we stared at each other or we would just give each other small kisses on the cheek, but mostly we would stay like still, in each other's arms and I realized I don't want anything more on this world but to remain like this forever. The pain I felt was nothing to compare with the ache I felt in my heart as I realized we can't. "Stefan?"she asked finally "Don't you dare leave me, you stubborn asshole." I smiled and gave her another kiss again, but didn't respond. I was afraid to. And I hated promises."You hear me?"she insisted though. She wanted me to say the words out loud, even though she knew I was already thinking them.

"I won't." I caressed her back and pulled her closer only to realize how wet my shirt was again. That didn't disgust her though, it was like she didn't pay any attention to it at all and pressed her even closer only to bury her face in my shoulder."I won't." she raised up a little and kissed me on the forehead but not because she wanted to grant me with a sweet gesture but because she wanted to see if I'm still warm.

"You're burning up again." her eyes were filled with worry.

"Shh." I tried to sooth her and made her hug back next to me again "I'm gonna be fine before noon, you'll see. It just takes some time."

She remained silent and I buried my nose in her hair-it smelled so good it gave me chills. God, I loved everything about her. I don't want to ever be torn away from her, that's how attached I was already. Let me just remain like this forever-I'm willing to give everything for that. I only need her-reality and problems and guilt-nothing existed when her small hands were pressed to my chest. I kept thinking about it until I realized that she has fallen asleep. She must have been so tired-up all night because of me. She didn't deserve that, not in this moment after she was just starting to get better and accept the death of her parents. I should've pulled away, but now it was too late and even though I was contradicted I couldn't leave her, because I needed her so much. I couldn't really pin point when I started feeling like that, but I was certain that it would either be the thing that saves me or the one that crushes me to the point where I'm just unable to go on anymore, but I found myself feeling fearless about that fact.

Let it all be-I'm in love.

And I'm not alone.