All Men Are Afraid in Battle-
The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty
~ George S. Patton
A/N: Again, I apologize for the long wait. Work is something crazy these days. I'm looking forward to some vacation time in the upcoming weeks, I hope I can catch up with the story then. Thank you for sticking with me despite those breaks, you guys are wonderful.
At least - this one is long. :)
Chapter Fourteen
The Same Joy, the Same Sadness
Losing his hair wasn't nearly as tragic as Kelly had anticipated back when he'd first tried to imagine the effects chemotherapy would have on his body. Somehow he had feared this, perhaps more than weakness and vomiting and all else. Now he stood in front of the mirror and stared at clumps of thin feather-like hair sticking from his skull and he didn't care. It was early morning, third day after chemo. The last forty-something hours felt like a blur.
He grabbed the shaver and turned it on. He might as well just give up the pretense.
"Kelly?" Matt had to interrupt.
Kelly turned off the shaver and sighed, "Yeah?"
"I got you, uh... You gotta take Prednisone." He stood in the doorway, a small plastic cup with a pill in it in one hand, glass of water in the other. He waited.
Kelly shook his head. "I'll take it." It took an effort to restrain himself, to not blow up, just leave me the hell alone, I'm an adult I can take my pills myself. Casey didn't deserve it, he was only trying to help. "Leave it in the kitchen, I'll take it. Later." He wanted to finish what he started.
"You're shaving your head?" Matt asked the obvious.
Breath in, breath out. "Yeah."
"Okay." Anything else? "Look, uh, I gotta go." Then why don't you? Matt stepped from one foot to the other, still in the bathroom doorway. "April should be here in a few minutes."
"I know. She doesn't have to though."
"She offered. And I will feel safer knowing that you're not alone."
Yeah. Kelly could do it for Matt. To put his mind at ease. He didn't need a babysitter but if Matt believed that he did, he was going to comply. He nodded without looking at Casey, hoping that his roommate would finally take the hint.
Casey had to leave if he didn't want to be late for shift. At least he made Gabby go someplace else, to Sylvie's probably, sometime yesterday. Early afternoon perhaps, Kelly couldn't remember clearly. Gabby was heaven-sent. Of course April brought all the stuff, drips, meds, but she had to work yesterday, so she didn't stay the night – Gabby and Matt did. And, angry as he was at being helpless and needing them, Kelly was also glad that at no point, through all the pain and misery of the last two days, not for one moment he was alone. One of them was with him whenever he opened his eyes.
Matt was still with him, like he couldn't bring himself to leave.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, still fiddling with the cup and the glass.
Kelly left the shaver on the sink and neared his roommate, took the pill from his hands, dry swallowed it and handed him the cup back. Ignored the water. "Thanks. And I'm feeling fine. Fine enough, alright? You can go. You should go."
"You're not nauseous?"
"I am nauseous. I am tired and I am irritated and your cooing really isn't helping. Besides I really don't want you to be late for shift."
"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm out." Matt turned away, then turned back. "You should drink though." He placed the glass on the sink and left, closing the door behind him. A few moments later Kelly heard the door to the apartment open and close as Casey finally went to work.
April indeed showed up half an hour later. Kelly made it a point to look decent for when she came, to not appear sick. Jeans and t-shirt, a beanie on his now bald head. Strangely enough he had energy, no idea where it came from.
"You should be resting," April welcomed him, unloading a handful of supplies on the kitchen table.
Kelly ignored her reprimand; he wasn't going to let her ruin his mood. "What do you have here?"
"Whole grain bread, whole grain pasta," she started reciting, "organic tomatoes, organic garlic, some berries – it's a season for berries and you should eat lots of them, they fight free radicals. This cheese, my mom buys it in that small family store at her street, she says they have all the fresh produce and most of it from small organic farms outside of Chicago. Milk too and butter, real butter, not some trans-fat garbage. I'm going to make you pasta with tomato sauce and garlic, you'll love it. Olive oil. I even got basil and oregano." She placed the last items from her bags – two bushes of some green-leaved plants – on the table and looked up at him, beaming.
He wasn't hungry, but he couldn't disappoint her like this, so he nodded. The table was full of groceries and it looked great, everything fresh and blooming, but... too much. It was too much, it was overflowing and it was chaos and the smells, mixing, they were making him dizzy. Kelly hadn't thrown up since yesterday afternoon – granted he hadn't eaten much – but right this moment he feared he was about to...
"Excuse me," he managed and walked away in haste.
April didn't seem offended by his reaction. When he emerged back from his room after a couple quarters – he just couldn't sit still – she didn't mention it. Instead she scolded him for not resting enough.
"I've been doing nothing but staying in bed the last couple of days," he replied, leaning against the kitchen counter. April was in the middle of chopping onions. "I'm tired of it!"
"You are tired alright." April waved a knife at him. "But it's because you were working. I told you, you should have taken a medical leave."
"I didn't want to," Kelly muttered, but April apparently didn't hear him.
"It all accumulates and your body can only handle so much. Your job is extremely physically demanding and those treatments are a burden too. At some point it all just becomes too much."
"I think I know that," he said, louder this time, and angrier. But she kept going.
"I can assume even your nausea might not be that severe if you just let yourself take a break."
"I don't..." He slammed his hand against the counter and paused, seeing her flinch. Completed the sentence in a quieter voice, "need a lecture."
"I'm sorry." April looked at her feet. She sighed, took a deep breath. "I am sorry." Returned to her onions and if she sniffed a little, she could always blame it on the vegetable.
Kelly left her alone for a while. It was better if they didn't discuss too much, so he just turned on the tv and tried to watch it, but it only made him more restless.
"I'm going for a walk," he announced eventually, expecting another reprimand, but to his surprise April nodded with approval.
"That's a good idea. It's a great idea, actually. Let me just turn off..."
"Alone," he cut in, because he guessed what she was about to say. April froze with her hand over the sizzling onions in the pan and her mouth hanging open.
"Oh," she let out. "Okay." Before he put on his shoes and jacket she reigned in her disappointment enough to add, "Just take your phone with you, please."
He drove down to the park and just sat there, watching the lake and feeling the breeze on his face. April only called once to check on him, during the two hours he was outside. When he returned she started talking about how proud she was of him and that attitude was really important and that it was great that he didn't let it drag him down, that he was fighting it, like, the fact that he shaved his head was a sign that he was taking control of it. Kelly tried to tune her out for the most part, sat on the couch and pretended to watch tv again, but she obviously expected some reaction, she prodded, time and again and finally he couldn't hold back.
"It – is called cancer."
"I– know." April stuttered. "I know, Kelly and I'm trying to be supportive here. But you shut me out."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you. I need to know, otherwise I just... I don't know what to do and I'm doing all the wrong things, apparently."
Kelly closed his eyes while she spoke and her voice died down eventually. When he looked up he saw her face was stained with tears.
"Like now," she uttered. "What am I doing wrong again?"
"I don't know." Kelly shrugged. He didn't want to be the cause of her getting upset and that thought suddenly made him so incredibly angry at her that he had to get up and pace a few steps away. Blood thudded in his ears and he felt his hands shake.
"Maybe I'm not the person you'd rather see here," April said and it broke a dam.
"Yeah." She was right. Ultimately, she was right, because she didn't know him, she used to know the messed up teenager he used to be but she didn't know the adult him, the him who didn't confide in others, who needed to be damn well left alone when he was hurting. Shay knew him. Shay who set the rule of them "not getting into each other's business", who helped but asked no questions, gave no advices. Yes, damn it, he needed Shay. If she was here...
"You know, it wouldn't be any different," April said, like she could read his mind, quiet now and composed. "You would have found a way to have a grudge with her too. You're just angry at everything, at the world and you take it out on the people closest to you. And I get it. I get why. But I can't take it from you. If we are to be any sort of friends, you're gonna have to respect me. And, as hard as it is for me to admit it, you were probably right, this wasn't the right time, the right circumstances to rebuild anything between us." She took a few steps closer to him and placed her hand on his chest. "This is not any sort of punishment, Kelly, but I have to step away. For our both good. I am overbearing, I can see that, but that's how I am and I won't change. Neither will you and I don't expect it." She shrugged and let go. "We just don't mesh well together, Kelly, and I know when to quit. But if you need me, anything at the hospital – the offer still stands. One call and I'm there. This babysitting business? It doesn't work for either of us."
Kelly just glared at her while she spoke and he couldn't get over how on-point she was. How well she – in fact – knew him.
"Thank you," he said finally and she nodded, smiled, instructed him on how to cook the pasta and stir it with the sauce and grated cheese, if he got hungry – and then she took her hand-bag, kissed him on the cheek and left.
Kelly felt strangely grateful and appeased – at least for a couple hours. Soon though, loneliness, lack of stimuli, lack of distractions – became troubling. He ate the pasta in small amounts over the afternoon. He tried watching tv, reading a book, but all in all, he was alone with his thoughts, thoughts about life and death. Toward the evening he was so anxious, he kept pacing up and down the length of the room. He tried going to sleep but kept stirring instead, unable to close his eyes, the images and voices running through his mind, people he refused to identify, places, ideas about the future or lack thereof, all the plans that he could have had, but was afraid to and then death again. And then Shay...
He didn't want to think about her, but she was like the constant presence, the splinter under his skin, dead already, waiting for him...
At three in the morning, he gave in, he pulled the CDs they recorded together and her voice from the television finally soothed him to sleep – on the couch in the living room, under the blanket, with an uncomfortable cushion under his head.
When Matt threw Gabby out of the apartment – not literally but it took some convincing on his part and eventually a threat – she didn't go to Sylvie's. Instead, she appeared at Antonio's doorstep.
Her brother was surprised but he let her stay the night and lent her a shoulder to cry on, when she finally spilled everything to him. Pregnancy, uncertainly, even the abortion plans and the ultimate change of heart (I am happy for you, sis) and of course Kelly Severide's hardships and how it scared her that human life was so fragile and how much suffering was sometimes involved – not that she'd never seen it, she had, but never from this close.
At least, unlike Sylvie, he wasn't a member of the firehouse, so she didn't have to swear him to secrecy at a threat of cutting off his balls. The truth was – and Antonio spelled it out for Gabby too, although without malice - Severide would have to tell everyone the truth, as soon as he'd be back on shift. Even Matt agreed with that, but he wanted to leave the decision to Severide – whether he wanted to tell the House himself, or leave it to them, whether he even wanted to still come back to work, or just take a medical leave. They weren't going to force him into making those decisions when he was barely able to stand straight, Matt said he would breach the subject at a more convenient time.
Meanwhile they just had to keep up the pretense.
Which, when they got on shift come Friday – proved to be hopeless.
At roll-call Boden announced that Severide took a couple of shifts off – Rice would fill in for him as acting lieutenant until further notice. Otis glanced at Gabby but averted his eyes when he saw her looking at him.
He caught her in the kitchen later, as she tried to figure out what to make for dinner, and her mind kept involuntarily differentiate things for light on the stomach and heavy on the stomach. And weather the smell wouldn't be too disturbing. And she kept reminding herself that she didn't have to do it, not here.
"So," Otis leaned on the counter. "How's that friend of yours doing?"
She should have known he would come digging.
"He's fine," she tried to think about someone else. Antonio maybe, Antonio was doing fine.
"Good. Cause I was worried about you, you sounded really upset."
"Yeah, it's better now." She pulled the box with the spices and leafed through it again, to avoid looking at him, even though she'd already tried to find the inspiration there, twice.
"You'll never guess who called me yesterday." Otis didn't get the hint, kept prodding her, even though she made it clear she wasn't in the mood for a small-talk. Or maybe he knew exactly what he was doing. "Katie," he revealed in that slow manner, like he was saying each letter separately. "You remember Katie? Nolan, Severide's sister." Gabby looked up, but Otis played with the fork, his expression much less playful than she expected, more nostalgic, really. "I used to date her," he explained, as if she didn't remember. He looked at her and seemed kind of sad. Gabby felt tears prick in the corners of her eyes. Otis held her gaze. "She asked me if I know what's going on with Severide, because he stopped writing her about a month ago, doesn't respond to her texts. He would pick up when she called but he'd always tell he was busy and lately he stopped doing even that and he never calls her back. She's worried."
Gabby opened her mouth and closed them. She shrugged.
"And now he called in sick," Otis completed. And waited.
"What do you want me to say?" Gabby shrugged and only then realized that Boden never said that. He'd said Kelly took a couple shifts off but never gave the reason. It was too late though, she basically admitted that Otis's suspicion was correct.
"Do you know what I should tell Katie? Or maybe I should tell Casey to call her, because he obviously does know something. The girl is worried for crying out loud, this is not about me, or you or Molly's. I can take care of Molly's, I did on Wednesday, Cruz and Chili helped, so you don't need to worry. But Severide's sister... She deserves to know."
Gabby nodded and carelessly blinked. She felt too huge tears roll down her cheek. Otis made a face that was half apologetic, half saying, "I told you not to play with fire."
"You should talk to Matt," she uttered and fled from the kitchen.
They returned home in the morning after shift and found Kelly asleep on the couch in the living room. Matt woke him up, gently and joked that he hoped Kelly hadn't slept there all night.
"No," Kelly shook his head. "No, why would I. I woke up early, is all. Wanted to watch some tv but drifted off instead." He eyed the screen suspiciously and avoided Matt's eyes. Matt decided not to dwell, if Kelly didn't want to tell him, so be it; everyone needed to keep some things to themselves. But he would have to keep a closer eye on his friend. Meanwhile he needed to breech another difficult subject – one also concerning a secret.
"Sev, listen." He started, following Kelly to his room and watching his back, as Severide straightened the blanket on the bed that obviously wasn't slept in.
"I'm not coming back to work," Kelly replied to the question that wasn't asked.
Matt stood for a moment, completely thrown off and Kelly turned to look at him and measured him with his gaze.
"I'll take medical leave..." he started but Matt shook his head.
"It's not what I wanted," he said, then corrected himself. "I mean, that's good. If that's what you want. It's a mature decision and I'm with you." If Kelly wanted to talk about this, Otis's worry about Katie could wait. Katie's worry could wait.
But Kelly didn't add anything else, he turned away again, his gesture suggesting Matt should leave.
After a few seconds of tense and awkward silence, Matt cleared his throat.
"Severide," he started again.
"What?" this was not an inviting question.
Matt closed his eyes and forced out, "You have to talk to your sister."
"What? Why?" Kelly paled and looked like he got slapped.
Matt hoped he didn't take it as a suggestion he should include his family in all the caregiving, it was nothing about that and they had discussed it already, so he hurried with an explanation, "She is worried about you. In fact she's so worried that she called Otis, of all people, to ask him why you're not answering her calls."
Kelly sighed and sat on his bed. He hid his face in his hands.
"I know," he muttered. "I'll talk to her." He wiped his face and looked up at Matt. "Will you talk to Boden for me? About replacement and everything..."
It was a hard thing to do. Harder than Matt had expected it to be – he had thought, after all, that this'd been what Kelly should have done weeks ago. And yet, Matt put off that phone call. For some reason he wanted to talk it through with Gabby first. Part of him thought he shouldn't – the lieutenant stuff was none of her business, she was only a firefighter, and not even that for the time being. Besides, ultimately, taking a leave or not was Kelly's decision. Not even Matt had any right to interfere. He was only supposed to be a messenger between his friend and his boss. And yet...
He found Gabby in the bathroom, folding the laundry. Grabbed her from behind and put his forehead down on her shoulder. It felt a little awkward to crane his neck like this but he wanted to feel smaller, to be able to lean on her. He felt her tremble.
"Kelly wants me to call the Chief," he muttered into her skin and Gabby stopped with his shirt hanging in her hands. He felt silent 'what about?" in her posture. "He says he's ready to take a medical leave."
Gabby spun to face him and the look in her eyes froze blood in Matt's veins.
She opened her mouth, closed them and silently shook her head. Then turned to the laundry basket again. She folded the shirt but her hands shook and it came out not-quite-right. She attempted to fix it, without much success.
"What is it?" Matt grabbed her wrists.
She didn't look at him when she said, under her breath. "I don't think it's such a good idea."
"Why?"
"Honestly? I don't know!" She tossed the offending shirt into the basket. If it didn't want to be folded neatly, then so be it! Then she lifted her face to Matt and threw her hands up in exasperation. "I don't know what to make of it, or if it even warrants such reaction, but when I saw..." She looked up at him. "Matt, I'm freaking out."
"I can see that." Matt would have chuckled if his stomach wasn't twisting in knots. "But why? What did you see?"
She passed him and went out of the bathroom, pulling him along. Went straight into the living room and pointed her finger.
"He was watching this." She reached for a stack of CDs and showed it to him. Matt knew them all too well. Those were random recordings that Severide and Shay had made over the years. That alone, the fact that Kelly would go back to that pattern of spending any amount of time in the company of the ghost of their dead friend, was enough to make his skin crawl, but then Gabby added, "I called April. She said she left shortly after noon yesterday. So, I think it wasn't just this morning."
"I don't think he slept in his bed at all," Matt added and he knew exactly what would follow.
"I don't think it's such a good idea to cut him off from the House right now," Gabby said exactly what he was thinking – and why he put off calling Chief, he now realized. "His being alone for so long at a time is the worst idea ever. I figure this is why he didn't want to take medical leave in the first place, not some silly ambition thing."
And now he changed his mind. Matt felt his skin crawl and he hid his face in his hands like it could shelter him from reality he didn't want to deal with.
t.b.c.
A/N: The way I write April and memory-of-Shay in this story really isn't meant to set them against each other (I had a comment complaining about that). I'm sorry if it comes off this way, but it's a side effect. I admire April and I want her near Kelly, but... in my book it's never easy. The more I like a character, the harder I am on them. :) So. I guess I like April a lot.
A/N (01.12.2015): I don't know what happened. :) I didn't update this story today. In fact, yesterday I removed the latest chapter (15), because - as I realized I wrote myself into a corner and that's why I couldn't move forward - I needed to do something to give myself a boost. I also changed the ending of this chapter, a little. But then, that was yesterday! I have no idea why this story is suddenly listed as "updated seconds ago". I thought that replacing content of the chapter does not push the story up (it never did before and I do that a lot on all my stories, lol), I thought only adding a new chapter does that.
Anyway. I'm not posting new chapters right now. I want to finish writing the whole story and as I'll be doing edits, I will resume posting. I hope to be done by the end of the year (that's my end-of-year resolution, lol), so the story should be back in January. Thank you for your patience.
And thank you for reading. :)