Chapter Fourteen

Dovewing's P.O.V.:

I was barely aware of drifting in an out of consciousness. I woke only for the few brief moments when Jayfeather would shove herbs, food, or water down my throat, but even at that, you couldn't truly say I was "awake." It felt as though I was living in an endless dream. Nothing felt real. The coughing, the wheezing, the panting…it all seemed to belong to another cat. All that really felt solid were my kits. I could see their faces swimming in and out of my head. I couldn't feel them beside me now, so I knew Jayfeather must have moved them to the nursery to keep them safe from my illness. In the few rare moments where I could almost think clearly through the haze of pain, I would feel a deep sense of gratitude towards him. I hated being separated from my kits, but if it was keeping them safe and healthy, I was happy.

I lived like that for three nights. I finally woke into a foggy, yet firm consciousness near dawn on the third day. I blinked, adjusting to the air that was meeting my eyes for the first time in days. "Jayfeather," I croaked. "I'm awake."

I heard a nest shuffling, and Jayfeather was suddenly there. "Dovewing," he breathed. "I knew you'd make it through." Oddly enough though, his tone was not relieved. There was some amount of caution and…sorrow?...lingering in his eyes. "Brackenfur recovered," he meowed. "I knew you could, too."

"I just want to be well enough to see my kits," I admitted weakly. "How much longer do you think it will take?" The medicine cat's expression was suddenly unreadable. He froze and said nothing. I tilted my head in confusion. "Jayfeather, how long it will be before I can see my kits?" I repeated. Jayfeather sighed and padded over to me.

"They're gone, Dovewing," he said at last. His eyes were uncharacteristically soft and sympathetic. My heart missed a beat. No, I didn't hear him right, I thought numbly. I couldn't have…

I blinked. "What do you mean they're gone?" I demanded.

"They're dead, Dovewing," he meowed quietly. "They're in StarClan now."

"No, no, no, no!" I yowled. "They are not gone! They can't be!"

Jayfeather shook his head sadly. "They are."

Ignoring my sickness, I half-ran, half-stumbled into the clearing. "No!" I yowled furiously to the sky, to StarClan. "You didn't take them! They're still here!" The fading stars just twinkled coldly in response. I sniffed the air desperately for my kits' sweet scents. I picked up a trail, but it was broken as if it had been abandoned long ago. There were no other signs of them.

In that moment, it all came crashing down on me. They were gone. They really were gone… I wailed shrilly, "My kits, my beautiful kits!" My knees gave out from under me and I pushed my nose into my forepaws. "Why did you leave me?"

I gave no notice to the cats that were racing out of the dens. I must have woken the entire Clan, but I didn't care. I couldn't feel the cold or the hard, icy grass. I could only feel the cruel reality and total unfairness of it all. Grief held my heart like sharp claws, and I was finding it more difficult to breath. "She's awake," I heard Ferncloud murmur.

"Oh, poor Dovewing!" meowed one cat sadly.

"It's like losing the kits all over again," I heard Purdy whisper. "It's like we're living it all over again."

I felt a tail drape over my shoulders, but I didn't look up. I didn't care who it was. It could be Firestar himself for all I cared. "Go away," I wailed into my fur.

"No, sister," came Ivypool's voice. "I will never leave you." I pressed myself into her warm fur. My world was crashing down around me, but somehow, Ivypool was in the middle of it all. Somehow she was lighting my darkness, however slightly. Somehow in some strange and impossible way, she was getting me through my darkest night. "You will never be alone," she whispered.