Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.
Set after Cell but before Buu.
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.
Warnings: Dunno.

A/n: I said 'fuck it' and decided to go with 'Saiyans.' It's easier to type up XD However, I'm too lazy to go back and change the chapters.

"Okay now ladies, yeah
Now we gonna break this thang down in just a few seconds
Now don't have me break this thing down for nothin'
Now I wanna see y'all on y'all baddest behavior
Lend me some suga, I am your neighbor

Here we go
Shake it, shake, shake it
Shake it, shake, shake it
Shake it, shake, shake it
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it
Shake it like a Polaroid picture
Hey ya" –Hey Ya! By Outkast

A Ticket Out of HFIL
Chapter Fourteen: We Gotta Jump It!

Goku stood in front of them all, cackling madly. The screen behind him was frozen on a picture of Gohan and Brolly, at the moment where Brolly had asked Gohan out.

"My bitches! We're runnin' on a high! So far, we are in success. We need to make sure this keeps up. Soooo…I was thinking we could send some of you all down to Earth for some random attacks and sabotage?"

His fellow Saiyans cheered loudly in agreement, and King Vegeta and Bardock nodded in approval. His brother, however, was rapidly and intensely praying inwardly to be one of those sent down to Earth, and hopefully be away from Goku. He'd come to appreciate, in recent times, that his brother was definitely Saiyan material…if only going about conquering and dominating in an eccentric way. But he really didn't care to be the target of such things.

"Excellent! Let's do a raffle double-time, so we don't miss anything on screen!"

Raditz cursed under his breath.

Half an hour later, he was waiting with baited breath…and was ready to go ape shit on everyone if he wasn't picked. Especially since he'd gone to the trouble of rigging the whole damn thing. There was no way he was going to be forced to stay behind. And when they started calling out names…

"…Raditz…"

"YES!" he screamed, ignoring looks sent his way.

Freedom.

The group of them, after adding their bets to the pool (if they hadn't already), was sent to Earth, through some work of Goku's or other. There in the dark of the night, they realized they'd landed right next to the hole the "contestants" had decided to live in. Er, well, their new hole, after they'd been kicked out of their old one by H.E.L.L. Inc. minions.

Quietly and stealthily, they moved like ninjas to get away from there and head towards Brolly's place, where they'd take sanctuary on their off time. It would be great to wreak havoc like old times…

The next morning, they decided it was time to start the dirty work. With manic grins, they set off while Brolly shook his head, munched on some pancakes, and had coffee as he read the paper.

Right. Weird.

In the meantime, Harry was busily humming as he cooked breakfast and chatted with Chi Chi about the merits of cooking with a stainless steel pan or a porcelain pan, while Gohan moved like the dead around the house, trying to get ready for school. Also notable was that the modest, humble cottage had somehow expanded and grown larger without anyone noticing…

With Gohan acting like a zombie, Garlic Jr. took one glance at him before tsking and going back to happily focusing on his blueberry waffles and bacon. These days, at least his fixed smile was more sincere than not. If his mouth was going to ache from smiling all the time, he damn well might as well be happy doing so, and have done or experienced something to smile about.

"Gohan, buck up and wake up. You'll scare people," Koola mentioned as he strolled in casually, now one of the few outside of family and family friends that could do so. He accepted a plate from Harry eagerly. "Thanks, Harry. Ohhh, this is just divine. Why don't you just become a professional chef instead of taking over the world?"

"Because then I'd have to face critics. I hate critics. I don't need to, if I just take over the world," Harry answered straightforwardly, not looking away from the stove.

"Aa. Makes sense."

Gohan made a scary groan that sounded like it might very well have come from a real zombie.

Goten zoomed in at that moment, giving an odd look at his older brother when he heard the groan. Then he huffed and rolled his eyes, focusing instead on going over to Garlic Jr.

"Hey, hey, you done yet? Trunks and I need a third member. You can come with us!"

Being that he was done, he couldn't say more when Goten grabbed his wrist and rushed out of there, practically kidnapping him.

"Poor kid. Never had a chance," Harry shook his head.

"Doomed," Gohan nodded, agreeing.

"You've been spending a lot of time with that Brolly guy," Koola commented offhandedly as he took a large bite out of his waffle. "Somethin' up?"

"Guy's not half bad," Gohan shrugged, blushing slightly and glaring without really meaning it at the other. "Why?"

Koola spread copious amounts of jam on his toast, ignoring the weirded out look from Gohan, Harry, and Chi Chi. Jam fit well on toast…but that amount was just too much.

"Nothing," Koola hummed in pleasure after a bite. "Just noticing. Didn't even know the guy was a competitor. Is he?"

"Dunno," Gohan thought about it. "He didn't say and I didn't ask. Er, wait a sec…Actually…he did imply he was in the tournament. At least he's normal."

Koola thought on that. "Yeah. My brother's enjoying dressing up a little too much, and Zarbon is preening more than usual. The two go at it like cats, bickering and fighting all the time. I swear, it's like 'Mean Girls', only with two aliens…that are both male."

Gohan snickered. "That should be interesting to watch. Well, not all the time. Or dealing with it. What else is up?"

"Cell's been quiet. Strange really," Koola searched his memory, trying to analyze the android. "He's up to something, but I don't know what. The Ginyu Force are just having fun coming up with routines and shit. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure they'd forgotten the tournament and are just enjoying freelance cheerleading. They'll deny it's cheerleading, but it totally is."

At that, the whole group burst into full blown laughter.

"I'm kind of worried about Princess Snake though," Koola shivered. "She's downright creepy. Atypical stalker material, if you know what I mean."

Chi Chi narrowed her eyes, hands inching towards the handle of her pan.

"You're late," Harry suddenly interrupted.

The others blinked at him.

"You're late," he repeated, nodding at Gohan.

Gohan lethargically glanced at the wall clock and then turned back to Harry, opening his mouth. Then he rapidly did a double check and yelped. He jumped up and began scrambling to get ready.

"I'm laaaaaaatttteeee!" Gohan wailed as he ran from the house.

"Aren't you going to be late as well?" Koola directed towards Harry.

The wizard overlord shrugged. "Ehhhhh." Harry flipped his omelet. "I'm their teacher. They can wait."

Chi Chi and Koola sweatdropped.

Gohan, on the other hand, had barely made it on time and had skittered into the classroom in an unruly fashion. He found his seat, golden name plaque and all, and smirked as he strutted towards it. His nameless school lackeys sat loyally around him, and one of them laid out a new piece of paper, a pencil, and an eraser on his desk, while another handed him his café au lait.

Just then, he remembered Harry was still at his house and hadn't looked in a hurry to get to school. He twitched and scowled, his lackeys tensing and watching him warily (and hoping he didn't start on them because of whatever had him agitated).

Bah. He'll get him later.

"Yo."

Gohan blinked back into the present, looking up at who had actually decided to approach him. His lackeys on either side of him were giving the newcomer some dirty looks, and the blond teen in front of him visibly showed his uneasiness at the attention. Then the teen went back to being unflappable, if slightly a little forced.

"I'm Sharpner," the teen smirked. "Nice ta meet ya."

Gohan, curious, decided to go along with this meeting.

"Gohan, nice to meet you also," his nice smile suddenly twisted to resemble a shark's. "Now…how are you on the gossip around this place."

Suddenly, Sharpner looked a great deal more excited and his eyes glinted.

"Oh, you have no idea."

"Okay…so, you're asking me to go down there and date your grandson?"

Bardock looked at his closest friend, grinning as if he hadn't asked Tora to enter into this contest and go after Gohan as well. It had been amusing when he was just watching –now Tora swore up and down the contest was stupid.

"Come on, Bardock! You can't be serious," Tora winced.

This was his captain and he'd served with Bardock for a long time…but he wasn't going to deny that he wasn't thinking his captain was a lunatic and probably had more than a few screws loose. How else could he explain the sudden madness Bardock was besieged with? Really now. Asking him to enter this contest.

And it was Bardock's grandson! Come on now!

"Of course I'm serious. I wouldn't trust anyone else with my grandson."

Tora's newest protest cut off, his mouth opened before he shut it and he stared dumbly at Bardock. Then he cursed up a storm, running a hand through his hair as he glared at the other Saiyan.

"That's so not fair," he mumbled.

"Ah, but it's true," Bardock continued grinning. "I want you in there to watch and put those contestants in order, make sure they know to keep their hands to themselves and not to put a single toe out of line. Even Brolly. Much as I and the others root for him and stand behind him, I want you to keep him in line as well."

"Yes, yes, put the pressure on me, why don't you?" Tora grumbled, resigned to being in the damned contest. "Alright, where do I sign up?"

"Excellent! Right this way, Tora!"

What the hell was he signing up for?

Meanwhile, Cell warily entered the abode, purple eyes darting everywhere. He was not afraid to admit that he wasn't quite sure what he was thinking, or even completely okay with what he was about to do. But…

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"

The old crone floated into view and Cell twitched.

"You're Fortuneteller Baba, right? You can do any spell?"

Baba gave a creepy grin, watching him unblinkingly. "Yes, I am and I can. What can I do for you?"

"I need you to turn me into a human. I want to be intact –but human! No power leveling down or whatever, no funny business…just something at least mildly eye-catching and attractive to Son Gohan's taste, yes? Okay? Can you do that?"

Baba rolled her eyes. "Who the hell do you think I am? A genie?"

Cell looked downtrodden, but then Baba started cackling.

"Just kidding! Now let me work my magic!"

Baba whipped out a staff and began mumbling something, and then there was this blinding, white light, before Cell passed out. The old crone nodded, looking at her handiwork.

"That should do it."

Of course, she added some stuff…but Cell technically didn't say she couldn't. No funny business…Well, that was such a vague term, and what he considered 'funny business' was much different from what she considered funny business. Oh well. She'll just have to wait until he wakes up to see how he liked the new changes.

And in the time Cell was passed out, Gohan was running his school. That's right –his school. And yes, he was running it.

Especially now that he had Sharpner in his group, and who knew absolutely everything and anything about everyone in school. Information was always a key, and blackmail was essential. Life was totally good.

Except that he had an odd girl following him around, and sending him frequent death glares.

"Hey, Sharpner. Who's that girl?" Gohan warily looked at the direction the girl was in, who was staring angrily at him and his group and hiding behind a tree as she watched them.

Sharpner stared at the girl, wondering what the hell was she doing. "That's…Videl. Daughter of Hercule, the, uh, World Champion? Um…what on earth? I really don't know what's up with her and what's her problem. Sorry, I can't tell you what's she doing."

"Huh," Gohan blinked. "Weird."

He shrugged it off.

"So…is this like the Saiyan headquarters on Earth or something?" Tora asked, semi-seriously and semi-jokingly, trying to ease in and not feel so nervous.

"Buck up, Tora," Fasha, his and Bardock's old female teammate, grinned rakishly at him. "It isn't so bad. 'Course, you're actually a contestant and all, and we're just some stragglers…"

Tora glared at her and pouted.

However, he was the most uneasy with Raditz, his captain's other son and his oldest. And coincidentally Gohan's uncle.

And who was glaring heavily at him with eyes that looked like they wanted to shoot death rays at him.

"Where's Brolly?" Tora grumbled, wishing the other Saiyan competitor in the deep end of all this with him was there to commiserate on their unluckiness and unfortunate situation.

"Eh, what do you know. He actually goes along with this whole cover story of having a business and all," Fasha shrugged.

"It's something Goku is behind probably," Raditz grunted. "Probably something that'll be beneficial, and they're using the competition as a vehicle for them to do whatever it is they're doing. Or at least as a cover."

"And crazy Brolly is the cover agent for this shady business," Nappa, the last of their small group, snorted.

"Do I want to find out what the hell they're up to?" Raditz scowled.

"Oh hell no," Nappa gave him a look and shook his head.

Tora sighed. "Kami damn it. Why couldn't I have just stayed behind?"

"Because we're going to have lots of fun here," Fasha's grin widened as she rubbed her hands eagerly.

The other Saiyans, minus Tora, began snickering and smirking at each other.

Tora sweatdropped.

Started 3/16/13 – Completed 3/21/13

A/n: Long time no see, eh? Anyways, even more Saiyans are added to the group, and I'll probably just add in Zorn and maybe Turles next. So, Cell asked for something he's not sure of the full consequences of. Then there's Videl…who's being weird for some reason. …Next chapter should be fun, hm?