14. When She's Gone

"But... she can't be gone!" Glinda exclaimed, her eyes wide. "She can't be! We were almost there! How could she just give up like that?"

"It must have gotten too painful for her," Hamold said. He sighed. "I just don't know how to tell Fiyero about this... he will be devastated. Even more so than he already is."

Glinda glanced out of the window, where she could just see Lori, Fiyero, and Xalo together. Xalo had promised that he wouldn't say anything about Elphaba's disappearance to Fiyero for now while his grandparents and Glinda worked out what to do.

Fiyero was currently running after his son in a game of tag, both of them laughing, and the sight broke Glinda's heart. She so rarely saw Fiyero laugh these days. How could she just take his heart and shatter it all over again?

"I must find a way." Glinda shook her head and turned around, striding back to the table she had been sitting at and picking up the Grimmerie once more. "I just have to, Hamold. Now more than ever."

"What if Elphaba is right?" the king asked. "What if there isn't one?"

Glinda didn't reply and he understood that she didn't know the answer to that question, either. They were all grasping for straws now, but Glinda was right: they could not give up.

The other three came inside not long after that and the first question from Fiyero's lips was an eager, "Is she here?"

Hamold and Lori exchanged a look and Glinda said softly, "Not right now."

Xalo bounded over to where the blonde was sitting. "What are you doing, Auntie Glinda? Is that the Gr-" He furrowed his brow, trying to remember the word. "The Gri-"

"The Grimmerie," Glinda helped him with a smile. "Yes, that's it."

"Can I see?" Xalo asked excitedly and Glinda pulled him into her lap, showing him the Grimmerie. She herself could still not understand the majority of it, but she was going over it anyway, trying to deduce the meanings of the spells by the few words she could decipher.

"This is so cool!" Xalo studied the ancient pages with the enthusiasm only a five-year-old could possess. "What's this one for?"

"It doesn't say, hon," Glinda said. "The spells in the Grimmerie don't exactly have titles and explanations that tell us what they are for."

Xalo wrinkled his nose. "That's stupid."

"I agree," Glinda said with a small smile.

"Maybe we should just cast them all, then, and see which ones do what!" the boy suggested enthusiastically. "Like this one. Dah Calda Nahmen Tum Ah –"

"Let's not do that," Lori interrupted him sternly, plucking him from Glinda's lap and taking him away from the Grimmerie. Glinda, however, had frozen in place; and she met Fiyero's eyes across the room, the prince looking equally as shocked.

"Didn't you and Fae always say...?" Fiyero began.

Glinda nodded. "Yes."

"So Xalo...?"

"He is her son, after all," Glinda muttered, more to herself than to Fiyero. "It makes sense."

"So he can...?"

"I think he can, yes."

"Um, excuse me." Hamold waved a hand at Glinda. "What's going on?"

"The spells in the Grimmerie are written in an ancient, lost language," Glinda said quietly. "It takes ages to be able to learn how to read them, let alone cast them. I've been pouring over this book many times before, but I still can't read any spells; and even Madame Morrible took years to learn a spell or two." She glanced at Xalo. "The only person who could ever read the spells from the Grimmerie at first sight... well... that was Elphie."

"And now Xalo can, too?" Lori asked and Glinda nodded.

"That seems to be the case, yes." She furrowed her brow. "I didn't even know that children could already read at age five. I don't think I could."

"I didn't learn how to read until I was seven," Fiyero said wryly, "but you're forgetting for a moment who this one's mother was. Is," he corrected himself quickly, looking horrified at his own slip-up. "She is his mother."

Hamold put an arm around his son's shoulders. "Maybe this is just the breakthrough we needed."

Glinda's eyes were shining as she nodded. "He can help me!"

"I can?" Xalo asked eagerly. "Really?"

Glinda nodded. "Yes. I can't read these spells by myself, Xalo –"

"And without Mum here to help you, you need someone who can read them," the boy filled in. "I really want to help, Auntie Glinda."

"Of course. Come here." Glinda set him back into her lap. "But no reading spells out loud, understood?"

"Okay." Xalo nodded and started studying the Grimmerie again.

Fiyero, meanwhile, had grown pale. "What did he mean?" he asked, trying his hardest not to panic, but not entirely succeeding. "She's not here anymore? She'll come back, right?"

Lori and Hamold exchanged a look and Hamold beckoned his son. "Yero, we need to talk." He led him out of the room.

Glinda looked at Lori guiltily. "Is it bad that I feel a little relieved that I don't have to be the one to tell him?" she asked.

Lori sighed. "Maybe, but I feel the same way." She shook her head. "We all love him, Glinda, but you know as well as we do that it's not easy dealing with him. He tries his hardest, but it's horrible to see him like this every single day. I just... I don't know what to do, Glinda." She sank down into a chair and buried her face in her hands. "I'm his mother," she said, her voice muffled by her hands. "He's my son. I'm supposed to make him happy, to comfort him when he's sad, and to take away his pain... I've felt so helpless for these past five years. You can't imagine what it's like..." She trailed off.

Glinda didn't know exactly how it must feel for Lori, but her heart ached for the queen nonetheless. She knew her own momsie had also always tried her best to make Glinda happy, and she had mostly succeeded.

"It's not all up to you and Hamold," the blonde said. "I understand how hard it must be, Lori, but... but there are types of hurt that are too bad for you to be able to take them away. Sometimes you just can't comfort someone, no matter how hard you try. I know you and Hamold have always tried your best with him. He knows that, too, and he's grateful for that. But... he loved – loves," she corrected herself, "her more than anything in the world, more than life itself. He sacrificed his own life for her all those years ago and I know he would do it again in a heartbeat. Elphie doesn't believe in all this, but I think they're soul mates. And if you love someone so deeply, only to have them ripped away from you in the most terrible way – especially after everything they had already been through together..." She shook her head. "I don't think that pain will ever truly go away."

"Don't cry, Grandma," Xalo said suddenly, looking up from the book. "Auntie Glinda and I will bring Mum back and then Daddy won't be sad anymore!" He read aloud from the book. "This spell is about sol... solidi... it's a hard word," he complained. "Soldi- no..."

"Solidifying?" Glinda supplied, her heart beating faster.

Xalo's face cleared. "I think that's it, yes. And something about... ener... gy. Energy?" He looked up at Glinda. "Does that help?"

She hugged him tightly. "It does, honey. It does. What else does it say?"

She wrote down everything Xalo said, trying to make sense out of it. To bring Elphaba back, this spell could help – if they could solidify her energy, that would give her back her body... but there was more to it. That, combined with the fact that a Grimmerie spell always took up a lot of energy, made Glinda a bit reluctant to start celebrating already. She couldn't help but be wary about this, after all the disappointments they had already faced.

Lori left the room eventually and Glinda and Xalo spent the next few hours, as well as a large portion of the next day, searching through the Grimmerie and trying to find and combine spells in order to figure out a way to bring Elphaba back to them. Glinda realised that even if they did find a spell, they might not even be able to cast it on Elphaba, since she wasn't around here anymore. The thought made her heart sink, but she never voiced her fears and she couldn't bear letting Xalo down. He had faith in her and so she had to have faith in herself and this entire thing, too.

Attempting to move on was so much harder than Fiyero had ever thought it would be.

Somehow, a part of him had hoped that it would be easy. That one day, he would feel stronger again, ready to face the world once more and to get out there, to make friends and perhaps even find another girl to love... to become king. A part of him had felt like it had been his choice to dwell on Elphaba's death for so long and that he only needed to flip this tiny switch inside of his brain and then everything would be alright again.

It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all.

Glinda and Xalo were still looking for a way to bring Elphaba back, but the fact that she had left, told Fiyero enough. She didn't believe in this. He knew she was pessimistic, but she also knew more about magic than the entire Tiggular family plus Glinda combined; and he was certain of the fact that if she didn't believe there was a way to bring her back, then there wasn't one. And so he had decided to try and let her go.

His parents had urged him to go into town and have some fun, and he had eventually complied. He'd been sitting here at the bar for a couple of hours now; however, he didn't think this was exactly what his parents had had in mind. So far, the only person he'd talked to was the bartender and the only thing he'd done was gulp down beer after beer until he could only put his arms on the bar and bury his face in them, not exactly crying, but not not crying, either.

He felt weak, stupid, and useless. His parents were ruling the Vinkus. Glinda was fanatically searching for a way to return her best friend. Xalo, at only five years old, was helping the blonde and had been talking to his deceased mother his entire life long. Fiyero, on the other hand, hadn't done anything but mope around, cry, and be the worst father and husband ever in existence.

He couldn't help Xalo. He had never been able to help his son in any way. He felt guilty about that fact, but he couldn't help it. It had been five years, but it still felt like it had only happened yesterday and that had been the case ever since she had passed away. She had left a giant, gaping hole in his heart that took his breath away and he had no idea how to fill it. Even Xalo, his own son whom he loved more than any other living person in the world, could not fill that hole for him.

And then there was Elphaba. Elphaba, who had been watching helplessly for years as everyone who loved her grieved for her. Elphaba, who had tried to reach out to her husband... but he hadn't felt her. He hadn't seen her, or heard her; and the few times he had sensed her presence, he hadn't realised it because he hadn't believed it. He hadn't believed in her and he felt horrible for it. He couldn't even imagine what she must have gone through.

Seeing her again, being able to talk to her... it had been wonderful, but it had also torn his heart in two all over again when he realised that it couldn't last. And now she was gone and he knew she would never come back. Not to him, anyway. To Xalo, maybe... but she knew it was too hard on Fiyero for him to be able to see her and talk to her for a short while through Glinda's spell, only to have to let her go all over again once it wore off. She was right about it, too. It felt a bit like losing her again, every time he had to say goodbye and he didn't know when, or if, she would be back.

He shook off his thoughts and downed another beer, resolving to be stronger now, to let her go and focus on his son. He had to be a better father, a better son, and a better friend. His family and Glinda deserved that. He was going to bury himself in them and in working hard to try and become a good king.

He was going to do anything that would help him keep his mind off her.

"It says et... eter..." Xalo sighed. "It's another hard word."

Glinda gave him an encouraging smile. "You can do it, sweetie. Read me the letters if the word itself is too hard."

"It says "eter"," Xalo said, "and then N-A-L."

"Eternal," Glinda said aloud. "Eternal what?" She bent over the Grimmerie, as if she could read the answer herself. She still did not quite understand how Elphaba and Xalo could read the Grimmerie; it was written in the lost language of spells, but somehow, Xalo was able to see the translation of some of the words in the text as well, allowing him to understand what most of the spells were for.

Suddenly, Glinda realised what it must mean and her heart sank. "Oh... of course."

"Of course what?" asked Hamold, who was working on something at the opposite end of the table. He looked at Glinda and Xalo over his reading glasses.

Glinda's shoulders slumped. "What I mentioned before? Bringing her back by solidifying her spirit?"

Hamold eyed her questioningly. "Yes?"

Glinda shook her head. "It's impossible," she said softly, "because she would not have an actual human body. She would never change – her hair and nails would not grow, she would not age... she would never die. If I managed to do this, she'd stay young forever and she'd have to watch how we all grow old and die, leaving her all alone in the end. She'd never want that."

"She wouldn't," Hamold agreed.

"So all this work has been for nothing." Glinda slammed shut the Grimmerie angrily, rising to her feet and stomping over to the window. She watched the rain fall, drops trickling down the glass and showering the Adurin Iir gardens, the roads, and the Thousand Year Grasslands beyond. It matched her current mood.

If she could not put Elphaba back into either her own or another person's body and she could not transform Elphaba's spirit into flesh, then what solutions were there left?

"I would, you know," she spoke softly. "If it meant Elphie would get to live the rest of her life with her family, with Fiyero and Xalo and with you guys... I would give up my life. I would give her my body. I know I would be missed, too, but... but not as much as she has been missed these past years."

Hamold sighed. "I know you'd do it, Glinda, and I admire that about your and Elphaba's friendship a lot," he said. "She would do the same for you. But it's not an option. Elphaba wouldn't want that. We all care about you a lot, too – it wouldn't solve anything, it would only shift the cause of our hurt."

"Not even to mention the fact that you are the ruler of Oz," Lori piped up from the doorway as she came in. "You're important, Glinda, in more than one way."

"We just have to have faith," Hamold said. "We have to have faith and we have to keep going. We can't give up."

Xalo, who had been following the conversation even though he did not understand everything that was being said, nodded solemnly. "I'll keep going," he said, pushing open the Grimmerie again. "I'll keep going until I have Mummy back."

Everyone fell silent. In Xalo's resolve, his determination, he sounded more like his mother than ever before.