Summary: Lily tunes into Muggle television over the summer and develops an interest in being "groovy". She spends time with the Marauders and finds an enemy in the obnoxious James Potter. Severus parties for the first time with Lucius and his fellow Slytherins, and meets a nice man named Tom Riddle. Back at school, Lily and Severus discuss The Incident of third year over cigarettes, and Severus weirds her out by stalking the Marauders to constantly try and get them into trouble.
A/N: Last chapter was definitely a lead-up chapter. I've been looking very forward to posting this one. So... this chapter is pretty silly at points. Hope you enjoy it! Please give me feedback—it is greatly appreciated.
Chapter Fourteen: Father Figure
Mid-Summer of Fourth Year until Winter of Fourth Year
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes.
A kind of pale jewel
Open and closed
Within your eyes.
.
I'll place the sky
Within your eyes.
.
There's such a fooled heart
Beatin' so fast
.
In search of new dreams.
A love that will last
Within your heart.
.
I'll place the moon
Within your heart.
.
As the pain sweeps through,
Makes no sense for you.
Every thrill is gone.
Wasn't too much fun at all,
.
But I'll be there for you-ou-ou
As the world falls down.
.
Falling.
Falling down.
Falling in love.
.
-DAVID BOWIE
"SEVERUS! Severus!" came a familiar loud voice, and Severus snapped his head up attentively, at once going pink about the ears and stuffing the piece of parchment he'd been enraptured in into his bag. He looked up to see Lucius waving from the entrance of the dining room in the Leaky Cauldron, where Severus had been drinking cups of coffee and memorizing every word of the letter he'd received from Lily. His mood had gone from horrendous to stellar in a matter of moments. She'd signed the letter "lots of love", which meant more to Severus than anything he'd heard in all his life. No one had ever signed a letter "lots of love" to him, nor had they said they loved him—not that this meant Lily loved him, but, it was a start! She'd also made it clear that they were still friends, and on good terms at that. "We'll always be friends", she'd written, "No matter what." That was reassuring. Always was a very long time. It was the nicest letter Severus had ever gotten. He decided he wanted to take it with him everywhere. But now, he had to remember not to look too happy or he'd look suspicious at Lucius' house. He tried to put on his most stoic frown, but a thin smile faltered on his face.
"Hello Lucius," he greeted, picking up his bags.
Lucius strode in and gave him an over-the-shoulder hug. "Good morning. I was ever so pleased to hear that you came into London. Everyone's been having a very good time, but it's not the same without you—"
Severus lost control of his face and beamed, which must have looked odd because Lucius seemed offended by it. "Anyway," he went on loudly as they left the Leaky Cauldron, "you've not really missed too much. Evan is arriving tonight, and Regulus should be there by now. And you'll be interested to know that Bellatrix may stop by as well. My parents have agreed to leave for tonight and they're letting me be in control of the house. Of course, they want to be around today for the initial party, but we're going to have a better time without them. And Tom's been visiting, I can't wait for you to meet him—"
"Tom?" Severus asked, following Lucius as they crossed the street. Already, he was feeling both eager and apprehensive for this get-together. He looked forward to perhaps building up a better reputation with his Slytherin fellows to defer them from thinking of him as simply "Snivellus" again, but he wasn't fond of overly social gatherings. Still, he was going to real live party. He definitely was acting cooler than he felt. The prospect of seeing Bellatrix again made him a little excited as well, though not as much as the letter from Lily.
"Yes, Tom," clucked Lucius impatiently," my father's old Hogwarts chum. I know I've mentioned him. Tom Riddle—"
"Riddle. Yeah, I remember that name," said Severus, nodding.
"He's fascinated by the Dark Arts, a real brain on the subject. He knows all there is to know. No doubt you both will get on," Lucius said, and with Lucius' assistance, they both Apparated.
"Lily!" greeted James in a shout, waving. "I had no idea you'd be here!"
Lily smiled despite being annoyed at James' loudness, and waved back at the group of Gryffindors. Mary had invited her to Diagon Alley to meet up with some of their classmates, and then had offered to give Lily romantic advice after everyone else had left. Lily had just walked into Frederick's Fire-Eater, which was a restaurant between Eeylop's and Ollivander's.
Mary waved from her place beside James before taking his hand again. "I told you she was coming," she declared just as loudly and Lily settled in next to Remus, who grinned. Beside him, Peter and Sirius nodded their greetings. "Scarlet couldn't make it, and Muruvi caught some sort of odd sickness from her father who was around a lot of goblins from out of town, who knows what kind of diseases they had," babbled Mary. "Lily, how are you? How has your summer been? How's your boyfriend?"
The table erupted in hoots and hollers from everyone except Remus and Lily, who both looked rather embarrassed. A group of senior-aged witches shushed them icily.
"Mary!" Lily said indignantly. "He's not my—"
"What? I think it's great news," Mary went on, swinging James' hand around in her own almost violently.
"Who is this bloke?" asked Sirius. "Mary says he's a Muggle—"
"You say it like there's something wrong with that," James put in, and made eye contact with Lily. "But there isn't—"
"Don't put words in my mouth, Prongs," Sirius said, flexing his fingers. "I didn't say there was anything wrong with it. But it presents a few minor difficulties. Does he know you're a witch?"
Lily shrugged and picked up a menu from the table to hide her reddening face. "We haven't discussed it. Besides he's not my boyfriend—"
"Well, you'd better tell him before you two start anything up. Relationships only work with honesty," Sirius lectured, and James threw a napkin at his face.
"Like you'd know! You just like to get around!" He hollered, and the old witches shushed their table again.
Mary laughed louder than she should have, in Lily's opinion, matched only by Peter who was suffering from a bout of his characteristic nervous laughter.
Lily put the menu down to see Sirius flipping his bangs out of his face. "At least I get somewhere," he teased, smiling and showing his straight, white teeth. Despite his obviously large ego, Lily had to admit to herself that she could see why Mary found him so attractive.
James went bright red, but Mary smiled unworriedly. She slung her arm around his shoulder and rubbed his chest. "We get places though, don't we, James?" she purred. Lily noticed Sirius gazing at the couple, and she wondered what he was thinking.
"Ha ha ha, wow, blimey," said James in a high voice, and put his hand on her knee. Sirius looked away. Lily felt somewhere between uncomfortable and amused. How did Mary know how to act so confident?
Remus seemed to sense her discomfort and he leaned in. "Thank Godric you're here," he said quietly, with a small smile. "They're all driving me mad. Before you came in, they were all arguing about whether…er… whether blow jobs count as sex. I almost hid under the table."
Lily giggled, though she'd have to ask Mary later for a synopsis of the discussion. "Poor you," she said, and patted Remus' shoulder.
"What are you two getting so cozy for?" James asked noisily, and Remus instantly scooted back from Lily again. "Telling secrets? I want to hear."
"We're just discussing how loud and annoying you are," said Lily coolly.
The group broke anew into laughter, and James feigned sadness. "Even you, Wormtail?" he asked, and Peter immediately stopped laughing.
"No, I—I don't think you're annoying, Prongs, not at all!" Peter exclaimed.
Sirius laughed so hard he started coughing and banging on the table. "Wormtail, you're on more of a leash than I am—"
"Sorry," Lily said, "but what's with the weird things you call each other?"
"They're nicknames," said Mary, before the boys could answer. "Aren't they funny? James is Prongs, Peter is Wormtail, Remus is Moony, and Sirius is Padfoot!"
"Yes, but why?" asked Lily.
"Because it's cool," James said.
"Yeah, it's really nothing," said Remus quietly.
Lily rolled her eyes at James. "Everything you do is cool in your opinion though, isn't it? Prongs?"
"Yeah, it kind of is," he said haughtily. "It's nice even a bookworm nerd like you notices how cool I am—"
The group looked back and forth at them as though watching a Muggle tennis match.
"Yes, but it's easy to see how cool you think you are, James," responded Lily tersely, her cheeks pink, "it's practically written on your forehead that you've got an ego the size of a small country."
"Ooh," Sirius said and Mary laughed, just as a waiter came to take their order. James raised his eyebrows at Lily and grinned. She looked away, irritated. After the waiter left, there was a small gap of silence.
"Wellll, this is awkward," said Peter, and laughed.
"It wasn't until now," Sirius put in. "So, what's everyone been up to this summer? I'll start. I've been avoiding my family, avoiding my family, and did I say I wasavoiding my family?—"
"He's going to stay with me starting today," James cut in excitedly, while rubbing Mary's knee in a very rigid pattern. "My parents are allowing him to be in the guest house for the entire summer! And Wormtail and Moony—er—" he shot a look at Lily—"I mean PETER and REMUS will be visiting next week. WHOOPEE!"
"Mischief will definitely be managed," Sirius said and waggled his brow. All the boys laughed and jostled each other. Mary giggled. Lily wondered how much longer she could put up with Sirius and James. They were easier to stand in small doses.
"What's wrong with your family?" asked Lily conversationally, taking a sip from her water glass.
"What isn't? Their cauldrons don't really bubble right, if you get my meaning. My mother's a banshee. Well, not literally, though I have tried to trace her ancestry just in case. My father is a slave driver. My cousins—well, say no more, save for Andy they're totally barmey. Narcissa's going with Malfoy now, as you all have probably seen. It's dreadful the way they flounce around. And my brother is a spoiled little idiot who gets worse every day and won't stop talking about his slimy friends. Oh, and now he thinks he's some big Quidditch star. He's going to start next fall and I've given Prongs my permission to beat him at every game, even if he has to knock him off his broom—"
"Which will be absolutely no problem," James put in. "Didn't you say Regulus is off at some sort of creepy party this weekend at the Malfoy Manor?"
Lily paled and focused on the tablecloth.
Sirius nodded. "Lucius Malfoy's eighteenth birthday bash. Kill me now. My brother packed most of his room into a suitcase this morning. I'm sure he's going to make at least a million outfit changes all weekend to look cool in front of—" he pinched his face into a tight sneer and drawled out a very accurate impression—" Lucius Malfoy. My parents are absolutely smitten with the Malfoys, they want to lick their boots. It's as if no one noticed how fast they got rich—I for one think there's something fishy going on. And apparently, the manor—" Sirius sneered like Lucius again—"has like a billion rooms, and a labyrinth out back, and I'm sure they're just going to spend the entire weekend acting cool and creepy. I'm so glad I'm not in Slytherin—"
"I heard about that from Severus, how big it is," Lily said without thinking. She instantly paled. Mary shot her a look that clearly said, 'Why are you mentioning HIM?'
"Snivellus got invited to a party?" burst out James and cracked up laughing.
Sirius chuckled. "Yeah, I'm sure it's Snivellus' one big hurrah. I can't imagine he's wanted anywhere else. Certainly seems no one wanted him at home—"
"Did you SEE the way he acted around his dad? I mean, that had to be his dad, right? They both had the same disturbingly huge nose," said James.
"Could you all just stop talking about him? Please?" urged Lily, feeling stupid for slipping up and bringing Severus into this.
Mary waved her hand in the air. "Yes, I told you, that's Lily's friend. So just quit it."
"Yes, Mary," said James, making a face. She kissed his cheek and they proceeded to snog in front of everyone. Lily watched to see if she could see a technique, but it mostly looked like Mary was biting James' face off.
Sirius put a napkin over his head. "So, how about everyone else?"
"My aunt and uncle came for a visit with my cousins," offered up Peter, giggling to himself. "We went to the seaside and I got rather burned. My mother gave me a lot of money to water her plants. Most of them are false, so I'm not complaining! Mostly, I just sat 'round waiting for post from all of you," he finished.
"Fascinating, Wormtail," Sirius said, punching Peter in the shoulder. The napkin fluttered into his lap. "And you, Moony? Having a howling good summer?"
"Get stuffed," said Remus, rolling his eyes.
"Hope your days have been FULL of fun," James said.
"Shut it", said Remus.
"I'll imagine you've been having a good time, but be sure to owl us if things get hairy," Sirius said.
Remus put his head in his hands and shook it slowly from side to side. The waiter came with the food, and began setting plates down on the table.
"Oh good," said Mary, "I wasn't sure how much of that I could stand. You're all so weird sometimes!"
"You all know Severus Snape of course," announced Lucius as he led Severus into the same large parlour they'd been in on his last visit. Regulus waved from the floor where he was petting one of Lucius' large snarling dogs, Mulciber and Avery sneered from the long couch, Narcissa raised a fluted wine glass and smiled primly, and Bellatrix smiled widely, arm-in-arm with a very muscular bloke.
"Ah," Lucius went on properly. "Except for you, Macnair. Meet Severus."
"Hello, little baby Snape," greeted Bellatrix huskily, uncrossing her legs. "This is my new beau." She winked.
"First name's Walden. Or you can call me Mac," Macnair grunted in a thick Scottish accent, and extended his tremendous hand to shake. Severus walked forward and shook it, feeling as though his own hand might crumble.
"Severus, I was wondering when you'd get here!" Regulus said. "Did you know that Lucius has all sorts of different brooms and we can use them all? Mulciber and I have been practicing all afternoon! We'll be ready to smash Potter in no time! We're going to be sure to beat him at every Quidditch game."
"I'm hoping I'll knock him off his broom and give him a concussion. Maybe he'll wake up and be a less awful person," said Mulciber smirking. Everyone exploded into laughter. Severus smiled.
"You're loads taller than when I last saw you, Snapey," cackled Bellatrix, leaning over Macnair's broad chest. "You look like a big boy now!"
"It happens to people," said Severus dryly, but his insides squirmed. Bellatrix was still extremely sexy. "They get taller as they age."
"Not everyone," said Regulus solemnly, "look at Flitwick."
"We're speaking about normal people, Regulus. Not halfbreeds," Bellatrix said, and smiled, her black eyes glittering like beetles with flapping wings. "Well, sit, Snape. Get comfy. I'm dying to know what interesting things you've been up to."
Severus winced at her sarcastic tone, but it was Lucius who replied: "Mind your tongue, Bellatrix. I told you, he's made up tons of curses. You'd do well to learn a few."
Bellatrix snorted, and settled back on the couch, her short-cut green robes pulling up over her hips. "I'll decide that for myself. More brandy," she commanded, and a house elf instantly appeared.
"Yes, Mistress Black," it said, and bowed deeply, pouring her another glass.
"I can't imagine how you train your elves so well," said Bellatrix, taking a heavy drink of her beverage. "It's almost unnerving—"
"Only the best," replied Lucius, settling in the large chair beside Mulciber and Avery. "Of course, the way your family operates, it seems you like when they mess up."
"I do enjoy beheading them," said Bellatrix.
Severus looked around at everyone. "You're kidding."
"Does that scare you, baby Snape?" asked Bellatrix. The others laughed.
"Not really," Severus replied boldly. Bellatrix smiled, but her eyes flashed. She settled back again.
"Would you like something to drink, Mr. Snape?" asked the house elf in a desperate bow.
"Nothing…er, thanks," said Severus, eying the table, which had several good-looking finger foods upon it. He hoped it would be time to eat soon.
Instantly, Lucius looked at Bellatrix nervously. "He's not used to house elves," he explained quickly at her angry expression.
"Clearly," she said. "He'll have a brandy, too," she said, and it took a moment for Severus to realize she was addressing the house elf, because she was looking straight ahead. "We're celebrating. He's only being polite. Only hell knows why."
"I said I'm fine," Severus said quickly.
"Don't you drink, Snape?" asked Mulciber amusedly. He muttered something to Avery, who laughed.
"Of course I do," lied Severus instantly, "I just—don't want anything now, that's all!"
"Just take a touch, Severus," said Lucius. "I want everyone to have a good time at my party."
"Do your parents mind?" asked Severus.
"Mind what?" Lucius asked. "Get him the brandy. Or a glass of honey wine."
"Yes, try the wine," said Narcissa pleasantly.
The house elf hesitated.
"GET HIM A DRINK!" screamed Bellatrix.
Looking extremely flustered, the house elf snapped its fingers and handed Severus both a goblet of brandy and a glass of red wine. Awkwardly, Severus took the alcohol as the house elf bowed so deeply its nose touched the floor and then disappeared.
"I hardly need all this," Severus said, trying not to stumble over his words. He was very nervous. He hadn't planned on drinking at this event, but it seemed as though there was no other way. Perhaps he could pretend? But he figured Bellatrix would never let that slide, and Lucius was very observant, also. As a matter of fact, he realized that everyone present would notice, even Regulus, who was always the first to tell someone if they had food on their face or bogies in their nose. Goddamned Slytherins, thought Severus glumly, you can't get anything past us, really. He'd obviously have to drink, but perhaps he could get by with only a little.
"Save it," Bellatrix said, "it will save you needing a drink next time." She drained her glass and hollered for another.
The doors to the room opened and in strutted Malfoy's parents, arm-in-arm, followed by a very dapper looking man who appeared to be Abraxus' age. He had dark brown hair that looked as though it had been curled in front and was wearing a very expensive looking suit with shiny black shoes. He smiled with his very full lips.
"Tom!" said Lucius, hopping off his chair, which Severus felt was hardly necessary. But everyone else in the room seemed alert as well. Bellatrix uncrossed her legs and smiled. "Hello, Tom," she said, sounding mature. The rest mumbled similar greetings.
Lucius gestured across the room. "This is Severus Snape, Tom, another of my friends—"
Severus staggered to his feet clumsily, trying to balance the two drinks. "Nice to… meet you," he said quietly, and met the man's eyes. They were interesting; even from across the room, Severus could see that they had a red tinge. Cool, he thought.
Tom smiled and walked forward, and the room fell silent. "And a pleasure to meet you too, Severus Snape. I'm Tom Riddle. Lucius tells me you are quite prolific in inventing spells." He had a quiet, lazy sort of voice that was both sophisticated and pleasant to listen to. He stuck out his hand and then chortled, eying the drinks. "I see you've got your work cut out for you."
"It was a mistake… the house elf…" Severus put the drinks down on the table and shook Riddle's hand. It was long and smooth, with a snake's head ring. "Cool ring."
Bellatrix and several of the others twittered as though Severus had made a stupid error in speaking, but Riddle just smiled.
"Isn't it just the best piece you've ever seen?" asked Tom, raising up his hand so that the snake's jeweled eyes flickered gorgeously in the light of the chandelier that hung over their heads. "I bought it from a vendor from India. Of course, one isn't always so lucky. One must sometimes search around to find the right thing for quite some time."
"I really like it, too," Bellatrix offered, and Severus noticed that she was jutting out her cleavage rather a lot.
Tom wiggled his fingers in her direction; the ring shone. "You have excellent taste, my dear Bellatrix."
Bellatrix bowed her head. "Thank you, Tom." MacNair looked at her strangely, which Severus could understand. He'd never seen her act so kind to someone before. Feeling odder than usual, Severus backed up and sat down. To his chagrin, Tom sat next to him. He instantly felt watched, and not only because everyone in the room had swiveled around. Abraxus and Diana took seats next to Lucius, chatting quietly.
"Want one of these?" Severus asked out of the side of his mouth while gesturing to the drinks and Tom held up his hand.
"Ah, no thank you, Severus. I prefer to drink a simple vodka sour with lemon." Instantly, a house elf appeared with the drink. "Wonderful," Tom said, but in the direction of Abraxus. "So… this is the new generation. Superb," he said, and took a dignified sip of his drink. "Severus, I have been speaking to Lucius' other friends about the deterioration of Hogwarts. They've informed me of all sorts of scandal. What is your opinion on the subject?"
Bellatrix laughed. "Pardon me, Tom, but Snape loves Hogwarts… Don't you, Snape?—"
Mulciber and Avery snickered.
"As well he should, Bellatrix," put in Tom icily, and Bellatrix's face fell. "It is not Hogwarts that is the problem. Hogwarts is still a remarkable institution that has all sorts of opportunities for magical students. The problem has never been Hogwarts."
"Forgive me. I misspoke," Bellatrix said.
"You're keen, Bellatrix. But sometimes a bit critical," said Tom and raised his glass. "My point is, when I was young, Hogwarts was all I really had. I do not wish to bore you all with my life story, but Hogwarts was my home. My heart aches for how it has fallen in Dumbledore's hands—"
Severus felt a jolt of empathy for Riddle. He felt the very same about Hogwarts; save for the promise of seeing Lily during the breaks, he wished he never had to leave. Remembering the run-in with Black and how Dumbledore had dealt with the situation so nonchalantly, Severus couldn't help but wonder how much better it must have been without him. He had no idea what house Dumbledore had been in, but he was willing to bet all the coins he had that it wasn't Slytherin. The old man was clearly biased.
Abraxus shook his head angrily. "I have been trying to force Albus to step down—there should be a law… A cut-off age, perhaps one hundred and thirty?" A few of the others laughed, but Tom stayed serious.
"A worthy effort, Abraxus. But perhaps your time should be spent more prudently, my friend. The public loves Dumbledore—they love foolish dreams that stay alive for far too many years. And without the public…Nothing." He smiled and shrugged to himself slightly. Then suddenly, he looked around, his strange eyes blinking quickly. "I am hoping you will all be the generation to change things for the better," Tom said, and raised his glass again. "To Hogwarts, the way it should be."
The others murmured the same toast, and Severus quickly picked up the closest glass and put it in the air. Tom took a sip and smiled down at him, and so Severus drank to the toast. He was pleasantly surprised at the taste of the wine. It was sweet and palatable, unlike the vodka he'd tried last winter in every way. He found himself taking another sip almost immediately. While the others chattered, Tom stuck up a conversation between the two of them. He had a way of making Severus feel grown-up and important. Immediately, Severus realized he did not dumb down words or leave out details. He seemed to regard Severus as an equal.
"I'm hoping," said Tom quietly, "that we will get to know each other better over the course of this year, Severus. Have you wondered about what you'd like to do post-Hogwarts?"
"I'm planning on running a shop, an Apothecary," Severus said and Tom smiled.
"Interesting indeed. But from what Lucius tells me, you might be better suited for something more ambitious. Not that owning a store wouldn't be a nice side job," he remarked conversationally, stirring his drink with a long, white finger and then dabbing the finger on the green silk handkerchief that was sticking out of his suit jacket pocket.
Severus took another drink and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "What do you mean, ambitious? I mean, I know what the word is, I just—"
Tom leaned forward. "I have ideas, Severus. Revolutionary ideas that will change the way the wizarding world operates. Did you know that before the Muggle and Wizard wars, our kind was not shut away? We were able to practice magic every day, in every situation?"
Severus nodded. "Yeah, I've read loads of books on it. Some from Lucius, and some from my mum. Magic used to be an art—"
"Your mother? Hmm. Good girl," said Tom favorably. "Not to pry, but I am supposing she is a Pureblood?"
"Yeah," Severus said. "My family, we're the Princes—I mean, my dad's a Snape, but he's… well… He's not worth mentioning. I disowned him."
"I understand. My, how I understand," said Tom quietly, sipping his drink. To Severus' surprise, Tom patted him on the arm reassuringly. Severus couldn't think back to anytime where he'd been touched like that by an adult man. He felt strongly supported. His father had only ever touched him to slap him, to strangle him, to throw him against walls. "Prince, Prince," Tom continued, looking up in thought. "Prince is a worthy name, a Pureblood name. Have you thought about changing yours? To discredit your father? It might free you, Severus."
Severus nodded slowly. "I hadn't really thought… That's a good idea!"
Tom smiled enigmatically. "I believe I may have known your grandfather, Severus. A Slytherin, I presume?"
"All of my family have been in Slytherin, save for a few in Ravenclaw," Severus said, draining his glass of wine and wiping his mouth on his sleeve again. Suddenly starving, he reached for one of the snacks on the table. "Do you remember anything about him? My grandfather?"
"I need to think more about that, but as Prefect for three years and as Head Boy, I had the great pleasure of familiarizing myself with many of the students. I recall that your grandfather was quiet, but like so many others at that time, completely consumed with the attacks associated with the Chamber of Secrets—"
"The Chamber of Secrets?" asked Severus excitedly. "I've read about it—my friend Li—well…" he corrected himself quickly, and detected a shift in Tom's face as though he was wondering why Severus had redirected himself. "One of my friends is really obsessed with scary stories and myths and stuff, and she told me all about it. They say there was a monster, Salazar Slytherin's monster, and—"
"There was a monster, but it was not at all Slytherin's charge. A hapless idiot who I happened to go to school with at Hogwarts had a nasty habit of raising terrible pets—one of his pets happened to kill a poor girl. I made the truth known, and the student was supposed to be locked away, but Dumbledore was much too forgiving. According to Abraxus, the student is still employed by Dumbledore these days. No doubt you know him. But I am not a gossip," he said adroitly.
Pets, thought Severus in interest, who keeps strange pets at Hogwarts?
Bellatrix leaned in again and scowled. "Snape, what are you doing in the food? No one's started eating yet—honestly, I can't believe Lucius invited you—"
Severus' ears turned red, and he went to put back the food on the table but Tom grabbed his hand to stop him.
"Bellatrix," he said frigidly, "this is the second time you've been rude to my new friend Severus. I hope you treat guests better in your own home, but I highly doubt it. Judging from the stories I've heard."
Macnair snorted, and Bellatrix looked crestfallen. "I'm sorry, my—I'm sorry, Tom. If you came to my family's house, I'd treat you with utmost hospitality. It's just—Severus really isn't like us, I'm only just becoming used to his presence—"
"You'd do well to get used to it quickly, Bellatrix. Lucius and Severus are rather close. And I trust Lucius' opinions," said Tom frankly. "Forgive us. It's rude to speak about one as if he is not there," he said, releasing Severus' arm and turning back to face him.
Bellatrix dropped Macnair's hand and rushed out of the room. Narcissa followed.
"Poor Bellatrix," Tom said. "She's a very jealous girl—"
Before Severus could ask why, they were interrupted.
"Tom," called out Abraxus, standing up. "Come, walk with my wife and I. We'd like to discuss your budget before the night is out, and I'm certain that Lucius would like to entertain his friends without his tiresome father around. Isn't that right, Lucius?"
Tom put out his hand again and Severus shook it firmly. "Good to know you, Severus," he said. "I hope to see more of you soon. I can tell that we will have some interesting discussion topics."
"Yes, er, thanks," fumbled Severus, feeling self-conscious but also proud he'd made such a good impression on Tom Riddle. After all, the man certainly seemed important.
After lunch, Lily and the others strolled around Diagon Alley, arguing about where to go and what to do next. Peter was the easiest—he simply followed James around and did whatever the be-speckled boy wanted, like a trained giggling pet. Sirius wanted to pour over new clothes, as he'd decided upon a dragon hide jacket but had no idea what color he wanted. Mary wanted to survey love potions and tonics at the Apothecary, but everyone else talked her out of it ("Don't be scary," James had said). James was stuck on Quidditch worse than ever, and said he'd be happy to spend his entire life in the broom supply store, which Lily was not about to put up with. She wanted to go to Flourish and Blots and Remus agreed, so the group broke apart, agreeing to meet back up later for ice cream.
"I'm glad it's just us," Remus said as they browsed a section on voodoo. "I really like being around James, Sirius and Peter but sometimes they're hard for me to keep up with."
Lily gave him a Look. "Why? Are stupid jokes not your strong suit? Sorry, but I think you're much nicer than the others. James and Sirius, at least. Peter's just unusual."
"I think they're awesome though," said Remus earnestly, his eyes wide and serious. "I wish I was more like them. They're so collected and—"
"Conceited," finished Lily. "I really don't like it. I prefer you the way you are, Remus. I think you should be happy you're not like them."
"Thanks Lily," he said, flipping open a book and half-heartedly turning the pages. "You always say the right things. But if you knew the whole truth, you'd probably prefer them to me. I'm not exactly normal."
"Look, I know you have health issues," Lily began, "but I don't think that's a setback at all. If you ever need any help—tutoring, a study partner, anything, really—just let me know. I still feel bad about that paper that got jinxed. We'll just have to be more careful next time. People can be so cruel!"
Remus smiled widely and nodded. "That would be great, Lily—I'd like that! You're such a good student—I'd be happy to study more with you. Maybe then I could get on track instead of always falling so behind."
"Just let me know when you're feeling under the weather and I can get notes to you as soon as I can. That way, you should be more on time with your assignments. Your work is always great—sometimes it's just rushed. But really, they should give you more of a break if you're sick—"
Remus shook his head. "I don't want them treating me differently. I told Dumbledore that and he agreed, he said he wanted me treated like a normal student as much as possible—"
"What's so abnormal about you?" Lily asked hotly, putting her hand on her hip. "Just who gets to judge what's normal and what's not? I think you're brilliant, Remus-"
Remus' face got a little pink and he averted his gaze. "I'm sure lucky to have you as a friend. So, who's this bloke you're seeing in your neighborhood? Mary made him out to be somewhat dark and mysterious—hope he's not too dark, ha ha—"
"Ugh, Mary," Lily said, embarrassed. "She can't keep a secret for more than an hour. It's really no big deal at all, it's just someone who might fancy me and I sort of like him as well. He's not exactly mysterious at all. He's just kind of different."
"Oh, well that's good," said Remus dubiously. "Is it like a serious type of relationship?"
"I don't even know what that means," Lily said, ducking down to survey a book on famous healers. "It's not a relationship at all, at least, not yet. I don't even know how to have one of those, honestly. I look at Mary and James, and I don't even know how they know what to do—"
"I know," Remus agreed. "It's weird. I'm clueless about all of it. I'd want to learn, though."
"Me too!" said Lily brightly. "Do you like anyone in particular?"
Remus turned around quickly to look at a row of upper level spell books. "No, not anyone, not really. It's hard being mates with Sirius sometimes. Honestly, he's a lot to live up to-"
"Why, because he kisses people and brags about it all over the school? Sirius is just too vain for me," Lily said, making a face.
"Not all over the school," corrected Sirius, stepping into the aisle from behind them. "You don't see me talking about it on the toilet when I'm trying to have a—"
"Hello, you two," interrupted Mary quickly, following from behind him, holding James' hand. Lily's faced burned, and she glared at Sirius. He grinned. "We basically had to drag James away from the new Cleansweeps. Didn't we, honey?" Mary asked, ruffling James' hair.
"Glad to know someone of the female gender isn't swept away by Sirius' charming good looks," commented James, chuckling. "This proves he hasn't drugged the entire female population at Hogwarts with love potion, only most of them—"
"Shut up, Prongs. I just happen to be very lucky with the ladies," winked Sirius. "Besides, I'd never drug anyone. I'll leave that kind of behavior to someone like Snivellus—"
"Quit," said Lily harshly, whacking Sirius on the shoulder with the heavy book she'd been holding. "Severus wouldn't do that."
"Men do desperate things to get action," said James. "Don't put it past your slithery little buddy—"
"I'm telling you he wouldn't," Lily spat. "You certainly seem to know a lot about it, though."
"Lily," Mary said, giving her a funny look. "He's joking."
James ruffled his hair and smiled. "I'm just saying, Evans, be sure to thoroughly inspect your morning porridge. Unless you want to be ravished by the one and only Snivellus, which, if that's the case I can tell him personally and save him the trouble. Be sure to lay down a cover over your sheets or else he'll get grease all over your bed—"
Mary frowned and dropped his hand. "Don't talk to her like that!"
"I don't fancy Severus! You're the worst! The absolute worst person I know!" snapped Lily, tears springing in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mary, I'm going…" She stomped out of the aisle, feeling the tears begin to roll down her face. She could hear Remus and Mary calling after her, and Sirius laughing. She even heard Mary loudly telling James off. That was all she cared to hear before she rushed out of the shop, slamming the door.
"Lily! Hey Lily, stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" cried Mary, rushing after Lily and turning her around. Lily's face was red and the tears were flowing fast. "Oh, Lily… I'm sorry—he was being foul. He's just a stupid berk who tries showing off in front of Sirius because it makes him feel cool, or something—I don't know. I told him no one talks to my best mate that way. Look, everyone knows you don't fancy Sni—Snape. Look at you, Lily. You're beautiful and brilliant, even when your face is the color of a crab and your nose is running." Despite herself, Lily giggled and Mary gave her a hug. "They'd all be lucky to have you, all the boys," Mary went on, "most of all Snape. You're loads better than him. No one thinks you're thinking of getting into bed with him; that would be crazy."
Tears kept running down Lily's face and she nodded, feeling both glad to have a friend like Mary and horrible that she was failing her other best friend. She didn't want to think about how Severus would feel if he'd seen that event unfold. He'd surely be hurt. Lily sobbed harder at the thought of it, and Mary squeezed her in another hug.
"Oy! It was only a joke, a stupid joke at that!" called out James. The rest of the boys hurried along behind him quietly. "I'm very sorry!" His voice was earnest and innocent, which in Lily's opinion made it worse.
"I told you, you're foul. Get out of here. We don't want to see you!" Mary said firmly. "I'll owl you when I'm not mad."
"Lily," said James desperately. "I mean it—"
"Go away, Potter," Lily croaked.
Sirius sighed. "Come on, Prongs. We really should leave." He put his arm around his friend's shoulder and wordlessly, the boys walked off down the street. Peter could be heard giggling quietly.
"Idiots," said Mary, flinging back her long hair. "Come on. I'll buy you a treat at Honeydukes and we can chat. Forget about them." They sat in the café side of Honeydukes where, true to her word, Mary bought them butterscotch fudge and a rose cupcake to split. Feeling unable to lie any further about her mounting attraction to Severus, Lily feigned shyness and instead let Mary go on and on about how James had finally made out with her but that it had been quite uncomfortable and wet. Lily hoped that this so-called relationship with Potter wouldn't last too much longer. She had no idea how she was going to put up with seeing so much more of him.
"Happy birthday, Lucius!" Regulus exclaimed after they'd all finished singing a very odd rendition of Happy Birthday. Macnair had a very strong and practiced baritone voice, Bellatrix (whose mood had improved drastically after her fourth brandy) improvised with dirty words, Narcissa was an airy soprano, Rosier (who had only just arrived) clapped her hands vigorously and tapped her feet, and Severus spoke the words, since he'd never been able to carry a tune. "What did you wish for?"
Lucius looked up from a large raspberry tart, the candles of which he'd just extinguished, and smirked at Regulus. "If I tell you, there is absolutely no way it will come true."
"I had no idea you were so knowledgeable about birthdays," Bellatrix crooned. "I'll bet you wished for my sister to give you a private show!" Narcissa whispered something in her ear and the sisters began to quarrel quietly. Tom Riddle and Lucius' parents had left the party, and it was shaping up to be a very good time. They'd eaten a delicious supper of baked pumpkins stuffed with cheese, vegetables and sausage, and Lucius, Bellatrix and Macnair had told stories from when they'd just started at Hogwarts. Macnair had told a particularly funny story about the pranks he'd played on a Muggle-loving dolt named Weasley. Several more of Lucius' friends had stopped by, including two called Crabbe and Goyle, Rita Skeeter (who sneered dangerously at Narcissa—it was clear she wasn't interested in Lucius for friendship), and Gilderoy Lockhart had even stopped in for a quick drink. Fortunately for Severus, he was more concerned with talking to Lucius about how fabulous his summer had been to bother him. Severus had never been around people his own age drinking, but his schoolmates did so effortlessly it was as though they'd done it every day of their lives. Severus had felt funny enough after he'd drank half the brandy, and had stopped, vowing to continue his wish to never become drunk.
Rosier slipped in between Severus and Mulciber. "Hi there, boys. Good summer?" She'd cut her hair shorter and was wearing a very small skirt. Severus wondered if she was trying to be cute. It made him a little sick.
"So far, so good," said Avery, joining them. "I'll have you all know I've been studying the Unforgivable Curses—"
"What's the use in that?" asked Severus jealously. He wished he was studying them. Now Avery was probably going to think he was better at the Dark Arts. "We can't even test them out on people without getting in trouble—"
"Wally," said Mulciber. "Only if we get caught."
"I'm not a wally and you're stupid," Severus said. "What are you going to do, kill someone? Please." He rolled his eyes.
"Would you all stop bickering?" Rosier asked loudly. "Honestly. I think we need to start planning how to keep the dueling club going. We are, aren't we?"
Severus' heart sank. "You're keeping me in it, right?"
"Of course we are, Snape. You have all those books, and too many good ideas," Rosier said. Avery and Mulciber nodded, but looked a bit put out. Severus didn't care, as long as they weren't casting him out of his own club.
"Who's Tom Riddle, anyway?" Rosier went on quietly.
"A friend of Lucius' family. The Blacks vacationed with him last summer, and he's trying to become acquainted with all of us," answered Mulciber. "Smart man, really. I quite liked him."
"Because I heard Bellatrix and Narcissa arguing about him as I came in," Rosier whispered. "It sounded like Bellatrix was eager to be betrothed to him, but Narcissa didn't think it was going to happen. Was he a good-looking man, Riddle?"
Mulciber sighed. "We're not homosexuals, Evan. We didn't notice."
Severus and Avery nodded quickly, although Severus wasn't quite certain what that meant.
The evening was very relaxed, especially after Bellatrix had passed out in one of the guest rooms. Narcissa played a bit of piano, and they drank and chatted until late into the night, when Lucius put on some records. At first, Severus wondered how his friend knew of Muggle music, but Lucius explained to them that David Bowie was as much of a Muggle as he was; he was just secretive about being magic. Lucius and Narcissa danced, Lucius spinning her smoothly across the floor. "Ground control to major Tom," crooned the record player. "Commencing countdown engines on."
Severus felt very grown-up, and was still feeling pleasantly warm from his prior serving of alcohol. Everyone argued over who was more of a Slytherin. Mulciber was convinced he'd been sorted quickest, but Severus argued that he had been. Narcissa put in that the hat had told her she would not fit in any of the other houses—that she was a perfect fit for Slytherin. Lucius had trouble believing anyone was more of a Slytherin than him, but strangely, Regulus kept silent. Around two in the morning, Severus and the other boys were shown to their rooms and Evan bid them goodnight, disappointedly walking to her room on the third floor. Mulciber invited them to hang out in his room until they were tired.
"I'm drunk," he said triumphantly, stretching. "I had three glasses full of wine—"
"I had two cups of mead," said Regulus brightly, and promptly fell asleep in an armchair.
"I tried gin," said Avery. "I think I'm drunker than you." They looked to Severus.
"I'm drunk enough," he said.
Mulciber rolled his eyes. "Don't lie, Snape. You're not drunk at all—"
"Well, what's wrong with that?" Severus asked. "I had enough—"
"Who cares? I feel great," Avery grinned. "Rosier was looking good, don't you both think? I wanted to put my hand up that little skirt."
Severus tried not to make a face. In his opinion, Rosier looked and acted like a boy and her new haircut made that even more obvious. "Not my style," he said proudly.
"Yeah, she's all yours," Mulciber said. "I'm sure she'd go for you, too. You should try. Though I'd be afraid she'd try to beat you if you got too saucy—"
"I could take her," said Avery loudly. "Well, who do you two fancy, if Rosier's not good enough for you?"
"Narcissa," Mulciber said instantly. "She's got great legs. I was hard all night looking at her. If Lucius weren't so important, I'd fuck her instantly."
Severus was awed at Mulciber's self-assurance. But then again, he had the sort of chiseled features and attitude that girls seemed to like. Gritting his teeth, Severus felt a bit resentful. He hardly thought he could even pretend to be so self-assured about women. Lily was different, of course. She appreciated him. Lots of love, he thought, and pleasant chills went up his spine. He was afraid they'd ask who he fancied, but they'd all ready moved on.
"What have you done with a girl?" Avery was asking Mulciber. "I've snogged—"
"Who?" asked Mulciber.
"Muruvi Paradigm."
"The Gryffindor?" Severus asked, in shock. He wondered if Lily knew, being that Lily hated Avery tremendously. In Severus' opinion, this made the quiet Muruvi much more interesting.
"Yes, the Gryffindor. Don't look so horrified, Snape. She's very good-looking. Our parents are close friends. Besides, she should have been a Slytherin. Who knows why she's not. We kissed at her Christmas party last year—"
"Where?" Mulciber wanted to know, laughing. "Under the mistletoe?" Avery looked down, obviously discomfited. Severus grinned. "Ha! That doesn't count, everyone kisses under the mistletoe. I actually kissed Zabini, on the lips, mouth open, at school. Outside. No mistletoe."
"Which Zabini?" asked Avery. "Rainworth?"
Mulciber shoved him. "Don't be disgusting. I'm not a bloody wanker. No, of course not. His sister, you ass. She's the best looking girl in our year, don't you think?"
Severus nodded instantly although the real answer was that Lily was, hands down, the best looking girl at Hogwarts. And probably all of England, and maybe the world. "Don't you want to know what I've done?" he asked suddenly, surprising himself.
Mulciber and Avery exchanged looks. "You're terrified of girls, Snape. I doubt you've ever even hugged one," said Mulciber, sniggering.
"Don't be so sure," Severus said, and he crossed his arms defiantly. "There's this girl… she lives near me back at home. She's way better looking than anyone at Hogwarts, better than Zabini and Narcissa put together. She showed me her tits once and I showed her my dick." The boys stopped laughing and fell silent, taking in his every word. "She's got really big ones, too. Really nice ones. And only just a short time ago, I felt her up—her boobs and her…" He gestured down below.
"Her pussy?" burst out Avery.
"Yeah, through the front of her jeans," Severus said, swallowing.
"How did it feel?" quizzed Avery.
"Well, it felt like the front of her jeans," Severus said awkwardly. "And her tits felt soft. Besides that, she fancies me."
"Who is she?"
"Is she a Muggle?" snapped Mulciber. "Or does she go to Hogwarts?"
"Neither," said Severus, shaking slightly. "She goes to another school, a faraway one."
Mulciber and Avery exchanged looks again and burst out laughing. "That was a good story, Snape. I almost believed you, until you got to the bit where you said she fancies you," said Mulciber.
"A faraway school," Avery mused. "That was the funniest part. Girls don't like you, Snape. They think you're gross. But I mean… it's all right by me. That's why you can be cool sometimes."
Severus scowled, the vein in his temple pulsing.
"Yeah, they're afraid you'll curse them or set their owls on fire," Mulciber grinned, stretching out on his bed. "You really freaked them out with that bird."
"Not every girl thinks I'm gross!"
"Own it, Snape," Avery instructed.
Irritated, Severus bid them goodnight and went to bed, mentally swearing at himself. He'd done more than the rest of them, and he couldn't even talk about it. Besides, he thought, pulling off his underpants and scratching his nether regions vigorously, he wasn't that gross.
Dear Lily,
Lucius' party was actually a great lot of fun. I got to meet several of his friends I had never met before. There was a man named Tom Riddle who it seems I have a lot in common with and he said he may have some ideas about what I should do after school. I still want to open our shop though, of course. Lucius says that I can stay with him for the next couple weeks, until school starts. I just can't go back home, I'm not ready to see my dad again.
Hope your summer is going well. I will look forward to seeing you at the beginning of the year.
-Severus Snape
He lay awake, thinking about what Riddle had said about changing his name. Using a fresh piece of parchment, Severus practiced writing out the name 'Prince' and then Severus Prince. It sounded great—almost too good. His chest welled with excitement. He could be someone totally different.
Lily spent a quiet summer corresponding with Mary, Severus and Remus, reading, and trying desperately to get along with Petunia. But Petunia had become fairly busy with a part-time job and her obnoxious friends, which left Lily with Bukowski, Steinem and Betty Friedan. She also spent time watching television and felt up on Muggle current events which she figured would be useful to her somehow. At least she had some new music to listen to (Queen and the BeeGees were her top favorites), and she spent time learning how to curl and tease her hair. When the new school year approached, she felt readier than ever to go back.
At once, she and James continued their adversarial relationship. She'd forgiven him for the comments over the summer, but he'd instantly put himself on her bad side in the first week of school. She didn't understand why he wouldn't leave her alone. It seemed for everything she did, he had rude comment or a joke. He constantly poked her with his quills and his wand. Mary had begged him to quit, but he wouldn't listen. Even Sirius had started telling him to shut up. Lily tried hard to put up with him for Mary's sake but she mostly ended up ignoring him in favor of talking to Remus or Peter. Sirius was going with a Ravenclaw girl for a bit, and then started seeing her friend at the same time, which cast him out of favor for awhile. Lily couldn't help but laugh at him.
She and Severus only had Potions and Divinations together. They were otherwise on opposite schedules and were instantly saddled with loads of homework, which made them both very busy. The first few times they hung out, it was as though nothing (no letters, no touching) had gone on between them. They exchanged details of summer break and helped each other on essays and spells. She was slightly worried for Severus, who seemed to be hanging around his Slytherin housemates more than ever but she supposed that was to be expected—with her busy, he really had no one else. Still, it annoyed her to see him with Mulciber, who made faces and crude gestures whenever Severus wasn't looking.
Finally, in late September, they agreed to a walk in the bright fall weather. Lily explained to Mary that they were only discussing their answers for the History of Magic test. But Mary was irritated. "Tell Snape to make his friend Mulciber leave me be," Mary told her angrily before she left.
"What's Mulciber doing now?" Lily wanted to know, throwing one last glance at herself in the mirror before putting her cloak on.
"Being his usual vile self," Mary said, "he asked me to meet him in the bathroom after class to…" She trailed off, rolled her eyes and made like she was holding onto something and putting it in her mouth. Lily stared at her, confused. "He said somehow it got around that I gave James a blow job, and he wanted one, too. Right. James won't even touch my boobs when he snogs me."
Lily made a face. "He's horrible. Don't listen to him, Mary. I'll try talking to Severus—maybe he can stop him. If not, you should probably go to Slughorn. I don't think he likes him much either, really-"
"Blimey, Lily," Mary said, surveying her. "You've really done yourself up. Where are you going after you meet with Snape?"
"Study session with a few boys in Ravenclaw," Lily lied, blushing. She'd made her hair really wavy and outlined her eyes in purple, since she'd read over the summer that it accentuated green eyes. She figured since this was the first time she and Severus were really hanging out, she should make some sort of effort to look pretty. Before Mary could ask any questions, Lily ran out the door, heading to the lake.
When she arrived, Severus was nowhere in sight, and he didn't show until nearly fifteen minutes later. In comparison to how she looked, he looked rather shoddy, which she supposed she should have expected. This wasn't a date—it was only a walk, and besides, Severus was never very stylish. Still, Lily felt rather self conscious about how much effort she'd put into her appearance. "Sorry," he said, breathless, "dueling club went over. I was trying to teach Rosier a stunning spell, she was rubbish—"
Lily stiffened, feeling a little envious. She had a clear image of Severus with his hands on Rosier's hips, showing her the right way to swivel them to cast her curse. She tried to look unaffected. "It's fine," she said, casting a look around them. "Let's get going. I'd like us to have a good amount of walking before dinner." They started off around the border of the lake, which was rippling pleasantly.
"Did you just get back from somewhere fancy?" he asked, staring at her outfit, and Lily blushed.
"Er—yes," she fibbed. "I had tea with some people."
"What people?" asked Severus, and he sounded angry. "Potter and them?"
"No," Lily said, matching his tone. "Not them. Why do you ask?"
"Because it seems like you're always with them—"
"Am not. I can't stand Potter. I only hang around them because of Mary."
Severus made a face. "How's that going? I hear they've gone pretty far."
"I was going to mention that," Lily said, surveying his face. "You need to tell Mulciber to stop spreading around rumors. He was being awful to her. She hasn't done anything with Potter past kissing, not that you need to know that—"
"It's not like I wanted to know, either," Severus retorted. "I can't believe you still hang around Mary, she's a huge blabbermouth."
"And Mulciber's bloody disgusting," Lily said, narrowing her eyes. "Either you tell him to quit or I'm going to Slughorn."
"Don't do that. You'll lose us house points. Mulciber's just playing around," whined Severus. "Tell Mary to stop taking things so seriously."
"But Sev, Mulciber makes sexual gestures around me, too," said Lily urgently.
Severus' face immediately clouded over with seriousness. "He ought to not do that," he said firmly, "I'll say something. Stupid bastard."
"You're so weird," laughed Lily, glad they were no longer arguing. It had been too long since they'd really hung out, and she had no intention of wasting their time fighting over something so silly. "Severus."
"Hm?," he said, looking at her funny.
"Look," she said, trying to hide the waver in her voice. It was now or never. "We never talked about… what happened."
Severus halted in his tracks. "Mmhm," he said quietly, averting his gaze.
"Please don't make this hard," she begged, "I'm trying to talk about it so we can… so we can keep things the way they are. I just… If we don't ever talk about it, it's just going to be this thing that we don't say, and then, I'm just worried it's going to be hard to hang out…"
"You're right," he replied, still quiet, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I've tried to think of how to bring it up and I can't—"
"Yes, that's why I'm doing it now," Lily said, searching his face for information. He mostly just looked uncomfortable.
"Well, what do we do?" he asked, still looking at the ground. The wind swept a few orange leaves around them.
Lily shrugged. "Do we have to do anything?"
"No," he said quickly, "I just—er—I… We don't have to do anything. I just… Well…" He looked up through his hair. "Did you—you know—did you like it?"
It was Lily's turn to bow down her head. She pretended to be interested in Severus' shoelaces. They were falling to pieces, and the toes of his shoes had great holes in them. Through the holes, she could see he had on mismatched socks, and she smiled.
"What?" he asked, and he sounded nervous. She noticed he'd balled his fists at his sides, which she knew was what he did when he was feeling upset.
"Sev," she said, and sent him a reassuring look. "I—yes… I liked it. It kind of… Well, I didn't expect it, but I did like it—I just… I didn't think you'd—"
"I hadn't really—" he cleared his throat—"I hadn't really meant to do it, I just… I guess I got… I guess I just didn't really think."
"In front of everyone, too," Lily muttered, and reddened.
"I know," he said, and his voice went high. "I wasn't—like I said, I wasn't thinking, I just, well, I wanted to—fuck. I sound so stupid!" He turned around and crossed his arms, slumping his shoulders.
"Don't," said Lily softly, and walked around him to face him again.
He dug in his pocket and took out a cigarette, lighting it and sticking it in his mouth. "I don't know what to say," he mumbled through the cigarette, and then turned around to exhale.
"Do you do that all the time now?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Only sometimes. Want one?" he asked casually, and she nodded, figuring she'd better try it. She struggled to light it, and he snickered at her. "Idiot," he said.
"Shut up," she said, and lit up. She took a drag. "Ugh. It tastes awful."
He laughed again and coughed, then went silent.
Lily had to admit she thought it was sort of glamorous, standing by the lake and smoking with Severus. She wondered what their classmates would say if they saw them. Of course, Severus was anything but glamorous, but she imagined she must look quite good with her teased hair and her cigarette, despite how horrible it was. She imagined she looked like Farrah Fawcett.
"So what do we do now?" he asked, shifting his weight between each foot.
She burst out coughing and covered her mouth with her arm, embarrassed. Really classic, she thought to herself. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I was wondering about it all summer. But I… I just… I guess we can say we both… liked that… And we're friends—"
-"Best friends," Severus put in. He tossed his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it.
"Yes, best friends, and I guess… what happens happens?" asked Lily, feeling dim. She had no idea what she wanted. She'd like to be touched again, but asking was out of the question. They could barely stand to talk to each other normally. And besides, if she and Severus did anything physical or romantic, there was the whole business of having to keep it a secret. There was no other way. Lily couldn't bear it if people found out. It would be humiliating. If only Severus were different, she found herself thinking for the thousandth time. But he wasn't, which was why this was so difficult. As much as Lily wanted to know how it would feel to be touched by him for real, she couldn't get past the shame. He was her sole fantasy lately while getting off, and she hated it. She'd bring herself to what Mary had informed her was an orgasm, and she'd feel horrified that she'd just come after imagining Severus' hands in her pants. She tried imagining Wendell Perkins, but these days, he just didn't quite do the job. Besides, he'd graduated and she didn't really think of him at all anymore. She bit her lip.
"You're right," said Severus, breaking her concentration. She took another drag and exhaled, putting out the cigarette. "You're really right. So uh… what else is new?"
Simultaneously glad for a subject change and disappointed they hadn't really talked bluntly about anything in particular, Lily tried to think of something interesting to say. She figured she'd fill him in on the summer reading she'd done as he was her most bookish friend, another thing she liked about him. While he listened, he made a nasty sound as he cleared his throat and spat on the ground.
Lily grimaced. It was moments like this that made her strange crush on Severus feel so damned unfortunate.
"Last night was so great!" said Potter excitedly in a low voice. "Did you see Padfoot chasing that rabbit?"
"I very nearly caught it, too," Sirius said, "if only it hadn't jumped down that blasted hole—"
Irritated, Severus turned around to glare at the Gryffindor boys. He'd been trying to study in the library, and the so-named "fabulous four" (an affectionatenickname started up by some adoring Gryffindors) had disturbed his session by sitting directly behind him and chattering for the past hour.
"Shh, shut up, you two," Lupin said quietly, making eye contact with Severus and then focusing on his History of Magic book.
"And what, may I ask, were you doing chasing rabbits around last night?" Severus asked stuffily. "You know I'll have to report you if you were—"
"Who would listen to you, Snivelly Wivelly?" asked Black. "Everyone says you're deranged. They think you sniff too many potions and that your brain is all soggy. No one was chasing rabbits—"
Black, Pettigrew, and Potter laughed quietly, and Lupin smiled.
"You just said you were!" spat Severus, trying desperately to keep his voice down.
"No one was chasing rabbits," said Sirius firmly. "You're a nutter."
Severus gripped his quill hard and turned around, trying to re-focus on his homework.
"You're going to get us caught, and I'm the one who'll be in trouble," whispered Lupin, "you know he'll tell—"
Severus whipped around and squinted at them, pointing his quill at Lupin. "Get you caught doing what, Lupin? Why would you get in trouble? Does it have to do something with you being sick?"
Lupin looked away. Pettigrew took a deep breath and looked at Severus. "Leave him be!" he squeaked. "We're not doing anything! So stop eavesdropping!"
Severus bared his teeth, looking dangerous. "Don't tell me what to do, Pettigrew! I could bleed you out with a single curse—"
Peter paled but laughed.
"Right, in your fantasy land," Potter said. "Look, Snivellus, go back to sniffing your potions and leave us be—"
"LEAVE YOU BE? LEAVE YOU BE?" Severus said loudly, waving his quill. "I WAS HERE FIRST, ACTUALLY DOING WORK!"
"Snape, out!" called Pince from the front desk.
"Wh-what?" Severus asked, his eyes widening.
"Get out! You are banned from the library for today! I've had enough of your dramatic ejaculating!"
Severus turned a ghastly shade of green as the entire front row of the library seating, including the Gryffindor boys, screamed with laughter.
"Yeah, Snape, stop ejaculating so dramatically! You're going to hurt your willy!" said Black loudly, but not loud enough to be heard by Pince over the roar of the crowd.
Breathing heavily, Severus packed his things and ran away, the laughter still ringing in his ears. He was highly upset but he knew that he'd found something out about Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. They were up to no good, just as he'd always assumed. He was definitely going to need to solve the mystery of Lupin this year.
For the next month, Severus tried to sit by the Fab Four whenever possible. So far, he had not been able to catch them doing anything, but he knew he had to keep trying. He listened to all their conversations, wrote extensive notes on their dialogue, and wrote out many hypotheses he believed were probable. The simplest was that they thought they were above the law, and wanted to prove something by sneaking around. He had a few others, the main being that they were spying on the Slytherin Quidditch team to try and win tournaments. He ran that by Mulciber and Regulus, and they said they wouldn't put it past Potter. But none of this explained why Lupin got sick. It was to the point where his Slytherin friends had banned him from mentioning the Fab Four. But Severus knew he was onto something. There was one person who might be able to help him: Lily.
He and Lily hadn't spoken much since their walk around the lake in October. They'd both been dreadfully busy, and besides, he'd been sort of afraid to. She'd sort of made him self-conscious with her self-confidence and really good looking hair. She'd also smelled quite good that day, better than normal, even. He was afraid he'd slip up around her and do something really moronic, like admit he didn't want to let things just "happen"—he wanted to date her, and kiss her, and touch her. He felt like a lunatic. The situation with Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin was actually a welcome distraction from how utterly perfect Lily was.
"I'm glad you asked me here," said Lily, smiling. Severus couldn't take his eyes off her face. She was wearing makeup again and her emerald eyes stood out more than ever. He'd told her he wanted to have a discussion over coffee, and they had just arrived at the coffee shop they'd visited all that time ago, when they'd held hands. How far they'd come, and also how much they'd backtracked. Severus almost felt like he was braver then. At least then, they had been more lighthearted in their interactions. Lately, everything had felt so heavy. He watched her hands as she added cream and sugar to her coffee, and he tried to focus.
"I had something to talk to you about, something I've wanted to know," Severus began, and Lily met his eyes.
"Oh? What is it?" she said, and she sounded interested.
Severus leaned in. "I've been doing some research. Do you have any idea what Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin get up to? I have a feeling they run around at night—"
Lily frowned, and leaned back, crossing her arms. Severus stared at her, confused. What the hell did I just say? he thought. "I have no idea," she said, and she was obviously annoyed. "Why do you care?"
"I—I just want to know," he said. "They might be stealing Quidditch secrets—"
"Quidditch secrets?" Lily burst out. "Since when do you give a shit about Quidditch?"
Severus stared at her, his mouth open. "You just said 'shit'," he said.
"Yes, yes, I did," Lily fired back. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?"
"Well, yes," said Severus, very confusedly. "Is something wrong?"
"No!" Lily nearly shouted.
"What's wrong?" whispered Severus, and he could not mask the terror in his voice. Have I done something? God… I've cocked everything up. But how?
"Did you even talk to Mulciber? Mary says he keeps bothering her," said Lily snappily.
"I—" Severus looked at the wall. The truth was, he had not. He knew it wouldn't do any good, and besides, if MacDonald didn't want people spreading rumors around, she shouldn't have been acting like such a raving slag. She snogged Potter in the corridor every day (a regrettable part of spying was seeing disturbing things like this), and she was rather animalistic about it. In Severus' opinion, she shouldn't act like that if she wanted to keep a good reputation. "He won't listen," he lied lamely.
"You know, I'm really not surprised," said Lily. "Severus, you should talk to me when you're not being so crazy!" she burst out, and with that, she got up and left!
Severus stared after her, completely mystified. He took out a cigarette and rolled it between his fingers. What did I do? he wondered.
Day twenty three of observation, wrote Severus, peering from behind a tree. The four boys were chatting animatedly on the benches outside of the Greenhouses.
"You don't stand a chance—so don't even try," Black was saying loudly. "And don't try to pull what I did, because you'll fail, and you'll fail way harder than I did."
"Like I would be that stupid," said Potter. "I don't want them both. MacDonald and I, we're almost done anyway. I'm not doing anything behind her back, nothing—"
Potter messing around on MacDonald? wrote Severus quickly. Black tried to do something, and failed at it—what was that? Find out.
Black laughed. "Yeah, because your obvious annoying flirting is nothing," he said sarcastically.
"Look, Mary knows," Potter exclaimed, and Lupin shook his head.
"You're being daft," he said, somewhat bitterly. "You'd better sort out what you're doing."
"Moony's right. What's Mary say?" Black asked.
Potter shrugged. "She says she thinks it's funny. She says it's perfectly natural to fancy more than one person at the same time, besides she agrees she's brilliant, too— Mary's a great person, I just… I don't know!"
"Prongs, face it. You're scared to even tongue-kiss Mary."
It was all Severus could do to keep from laughing. Whatever Prongs was, he figured it had something to do with Potter, who looked enraged. Potter shabby kisser, Potter scared to kiss, he wrote.
"Just because I'm into being slow about it and taking my time doesn't mean I'm scared! Girls like that. They think it's respectful—"
Black shook his head. "They think it's boring, mate."
"Anyway, I'm not scared—"
"I believe you, James," said Pettigrew.
Lupin shook his head. "Padfoot's right. You have no chance with her—you've been so mean to her—"
"It's not my fault she can't take a joke!"
"What a great way to try and woo her, James! It's not my fault you can't take a joke. Now will you go out with me?" Lupin scoffed. "Honestly, you've been awful to her."
"Moony's absolutely right. First of all, break it off with MacDonald. Then, you can try and sort out your incredibly delusional thoughts."
"But Moony!" Potter insisted. "You're closer to her than any of us. Put in a good word for me?"
"NO!" Lupin said. "Leave her alone! She tells you to every day!"
Potter rumpled the front of his hair. "She's the delusional one. We have a chance!"
"Look, James, I would try and get with her, but she's not like that. She's an angry person. She doesn't think you're funny. She's very hot, but even I can see past that—she's not for you, man. I'm sorry," Black explained slowly, as though Potter were impaired in some way.
"I will get with her," said Potter pompously. "Mark my words. I'll break up with Mary, and it'll be hellooo Evans!"
Severus very nearly fell out from behind the tree, but he steadied himself. No, he thought. It's not possible.
"Lily won't stand for it," said Lupin crisply. "But go ahead. Look like a berk."
No, Severus thought, heart pounding.
"I can't wait to see Evans shoot him down," said Black, "for about the millionth time, that is."
Potter grinned. "You're all jealous. Watch me. All right, I'm off to practice. Laters." He strutted off down the paved walkway in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.
With sweaty hands, Severus crumpled the piece of parchment he'd been writing on and slid down the tree, slumping over in complete and utter anguish. They can't fancy her, he thought and slammed his quill into the ground, snapping it in half. Spying was forgotten. His hands were shivering with rage. He grimaced, drumming both hands in the dirt. I fancy her. I FANCY HER. Potter, you will regret this. I will murder you. He shredded his notes into tiny pieces as a tear pulled out of his eye. Life was very unjust.
A/N: I hope the angst wasn't too silly. I just remember how being fourteen sucked. Please review!