Disclaimer- The fabulous characters of my story belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer and come from her Twilight series.
A/N- I have had the worst writer's block ever with this story. I'm not used to writing Edward and Bella, and sometimes it really just won't come. Finally I was sitting here tonight editing, and SOMETHING finally came! I know it's a short chapter, but it's what came for now, and I have a feeling it will help get things started again. Thanks so much to all of you who have been patient with me, even though it's taking me a million years to update. I appreciate it so much! I hope you enjoy!
"It's amazing with all the patience we've gained over the years, and I'm still so utterly impatient with Bella," Edward murmured.
"You seem pretty patient with her," Alice countered.
Edward rose from the couch and began pacing the living room. "I hope it appears so…to her in the very least. But I don't feel patient Alice. I feel like I'm going out of my mind."
"You know you have to go slow…"
"Of course I know that," he interrupted. "But it's just so…damn hard! These years we've spent apart…they were the slowest, most agonizing of my existence. And now that she's here, now that I have her back, it's so hard to…hold myself back."
Alice giggled. "You make it sound like you want to pounce on her."
Edward rolled his eyes. "It's not just something physical…although I won't deny that that aspect has proven to be…difficult also. I wish she would open up to me. Talk to me. Really talk to me. Bella's the only thing that has ever been a true mystery to me. From the time I first laid eyes on her."
He continued pacing. "Now she's become…one of us, and that mystery is more frustrating than ever! Now I know nothing as to how she feels. At least then she told me. Or I could read it on her face. Hear it in her heartbeat…something! I didn't know everything, but I knew much more than I do now."
"To not be able to reach out and just touch her…hold her hand, stroke her cheek…it's utter torture! Does it even appear that I'm getting any closer to…anything with her?" He looked at Alice questioningly.
"Slowly but surely she's coming out from the walls she built up around herself," Alice answered. "It's a slow process though…we can't expect anything more. None of us…except perhaps for Carlisle…know what she's been through these last years. She was completely alone. She had no one there for her. And now that she does…it's a big adjustment I'm sure."
Edward sat back on the couch, running his hand through his hair. "I know I need to be patient. I just…I want to know how she's feeling. What she's feeling. If she's feeling anything remotely…" He trailed off, heaving a big sigh.
"Edward," began Alice hesitantly. "Have you really given her a reason to open up to you?"
Edward's eyes darted to look at her. "What do you mean? I've been trying like crazy!"
"Yes. You've tried to show her you're here for her. You've tried being her friend. But if you really want her to open up to you…you need to…tell her the truth," Alice finished quietly.
"I have not lied to Bella. I've been perfectly honest with her!"
"Yes…now. But you weren't then. Are you forgetting what you told Bella the day you left her?"
Edward felt like he had been slapped across the face as the memory of that afternoon rushed into his mind.
"Ok, let's talk," Bella said firmly, though her voice shook slightly. Edward could see the panic in her eyes as he stood leaning on the tree across from her.
He took a deep breath. "Bella, we're leaving."
Bella took a deep breath too. Edward saw a little of the fear leave her eyes as she spoke. "Why now? Another year…"
"Bella, it's time," he forced himself to go on. He had practiced this in his head endlessly, knowing he needed to pull it off just right to get the results he so desperately desired. "How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."
He watched her face quickly become confused. He cursed at the fact that he couldn't read her mind for the millionth time as he tried to discern her thoughts from her expression.
He forced himself to look at her harshly. To look at his Bella, his beautiful Bella, as if he didn't love her more than anything in this world.
Finally a look of comprehension came over her beautiful face, and she looked as if she might be sick. He hated himself for what he was doing to her. But he knew he needed to do it. He couldn't be selfish with her any longer.
"When you say 'we'," she whispered.
"I mean my family and myself."
He stood there, keeping his face hard, waiting for what seemed like hours for her to respond. He had lived for decades, and time had begun to start going by fairly quickly. But those few minutes out there with her, breaking her heart as he knew he was doing, seemed endless.
She shook her head back and forth a few times as if trying to clear it, then took a little time before speaking.
"Okay, I'll come with you."
She'll move on. Eventually, she'll move on. She won't be a monster, she won't love a monster. She'll have a full life. He had been repeating these things to himself over and over, forcing himself to accept them as truth.
"You can't Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me," she automatically responded.
She'll move on. She'll forget. She'll be happy.
"I'm no good for you Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous," she said, her voice pleading. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you," he said coldly, trying to keep himself composed.
"What happened with Jasper, that was nothing Edward…nothing!"
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." The image of Jasper lunging at Bella played its way through his head for what felt like the millionth time, and he had to fight to keep up the charade he was trying to present.
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised you would stay…"
"As long as that was best for you," he interrupted.
"No!" she shouted, the pain and agony and desperation of her words evident in her voice. "This is about my soul, isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you…it's yours already!"
He could hear the sincerity in every word she spoke. She meant it all. But even if she didn't care, or thought she didn't care, he did. He refused to damn her to this kind of life. And Jasper had made it perfectly clear the dangers of her being around while human. He had to leave her. He had to go and let her make a real life for herself. The kind of life she was supposed to have. Without him.
He took a deep breath and turned his eyes to the ground. He stared down, preparing himself for what he had to do. He felt his mouth twitch slightly, like it was anticipating the words that were about to come out and was trying to fight them off. He made sure his gaze was as hard, as cold, as unfeeling as he could possibly make it before he looked up at her again.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," he said slowly, deliberately.
He felt a terrible ache in his chest as soon as the words left his mouth. He had told many lies throughout his existence. But none of them even compared to the one he was trying to pull of now. He almost expected her to laugh; to say there was no way he didn't want her, that she knew how much he loved her. He stared at her carefully, watching for a hint as to how she would respond.
She paused for a few moments before speaking. "You…don't…want me?" she said in a pained, confused voice.
"No," he forced himself to say in the same deliberate tone he had used before.
She stared right into his eyes, and he stared back, trying desperately to keep his expression constant. He needed her to believe this. He needed her to let go. To be able to move on and find the life that was meant for her.
"Well, that changes things," she said calmly.
He looked away into the trees. "Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He turned his eyes back to her and mustered up the coldest, most menacing glare he could manage to give to Bella, his Bella. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't," she whispered, the slight edge of panic back in her voice, her eyes wide. "Don't do this."
He just stared for a moment before responding. "You're not good for me Bella."
And in that instant he saw it in her eyes. He saw her accept the massive lie he had just told. He saw her accept the fact that he did not love her, that he did not want to be with her. After the hundreds of times he had told her he loved her, it only took this one time to break that all down. She actually believed he didn't love her anymore.
Briefly he wondered if he had not proven his love well enough to her. If he had not made her feel that she was the only thing that mattered to him in this whole world. But he quickly pushed that thought away before it showed on his face, and continued looking at her harshly.
"If…that's what you want," she said faintly.
He nodded.
Edward's mind returned to the present as Alice began speaking again.
"I think, if you ever plan on getting anywhere with Bella…you had better tell her the truth."
"The truth," he murmured.
"It seems like you've been going into this with the idea that you love Bella, she knows that, and that she just needs to learn to love you again. But Edward…she doesn't know that. You told her you didn't love her anymore. You told her you didn't want to be with her anymore."
"She…she couldn't have actually believed…"
"She did Edward…I really think she did."
He sat there for a long time before turning his eyes to Alice. "Do you really think…that she actually…thinks I don't love her?"
"Yes Edward," she said sadly. "I do."