Today I'm showing Tris my fear landscape. Tonight.
I finish the last of my activities at Abnegation and rush towards the train. I finished training with Tris long ago, but I still want to get better, to be able to control all of my fears, especially of him. Tris is probably expecting me, but she definitely won't be expecting to see my fear landscape. Maybe this time I'll handle my fears better, with her alongside me.
I jump off the train, and I was right. Tris is there, waiting for me. I was actually hoping for that. Usually, she'd ask me what I would want to train on, and I'd answer. But this time will be different.
"So what do you want to work on today?" she asks, smiling.
I smile back and answer, "Actually, I want to do something different today." She looks at me curiously and nods. I take her hand, and she widens her bright eyes in surprise. Then I lead her to the door of the fear landscape. I let go of her hand to get the black box and a syringe.
"I want you to go in with me," I say.
She bites her lips. "Into your fear landscape?"
"Yes."
"I can do that?" she asks.
"The serum connects you to the program," I explain, "but the program determines whose landscape you go through. And right now, it's set to put us through mine." It feels kind of strange. She usually teaches me, but now I'm actually teaching her something instead.
"You would let me see that?"
"Why else do you think I'm going in?" I ask quietly. I concentrate on the black box. There are some things I want to show you." I hold up the syringe, and she tilts her head to show her neck more.
"I don't usually do this," I remind her.
She nervously laughs and points to a spot on her neck, then I push needle in. After I finish, I offer her the box. She takes the other syringe out of the box and has to tip toe in order to reach my neck. I feel the sharp pain, but don't flinch. Besides, I'm used to it. I offer her my hand, and she takes it. Her hands are small and soft. I open the door with my other hand, and she follows.
The door clicks shut behind us, taking all the light with it. The air is cold in the hallway. The simulation takes us. The ground I stand on is no longer made of cement. It creaks like metal. Light pours in from all angles, and the city unfolds around us, glass buildings and the arc of train tracks, and we are high above it. The wind starts. Tris leans on me, probably because she's so small and would fall if she didn't. I don't put much thought into it though. Instead I take my hand out of hers, and put them around her shoulders. I try concentrating on breathing, but I'm having difficulty with it. I force my breath in and out through my open mouth with my teeth clasped together. I feel dizzy, looking around me. I know this is only a simulation, but I still imagine myself falling. I finally suck in a breath and just concentrate on Tris' eyes.
"We have to jump off, right?" she shouts over the wind. I hesitantly nod.
"On three, okay?" I nod again. "One…two…three!" She pulls me with her as she starts running. After we take the first step, the rest is easy. We both sprint off the edge of the building. We both fall quickly, and I hold in my breath. We're going closer to the ground, but then the setting changes. We're on the floor now. I gasp and press my hand onto my chest. She walks over to me and helps me up.
"What's next?" she asks. She looks excited. Of course she would be.
"It's-" The wall hits our backs, slamming us into each other. Walls pop up next to us, on our right and left. Then the ceiling slams onto us. I groan and cower. Memories of the closet flashes before my eyes. I can't think or breath. Tris takes my arms, guiding me back to reality, and puts them around her. I hold on to her.
"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small," she jokes, trying to distract me.
"Mmhmm."
"We can't break out of here," she says. "It's easier to face the fear head on, right?" She doesn't bother waiting for my response. "So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better." She tries to get me to speak. "Right?" My voice sounds tense, but that's expected considering I'm stuck in a small box. She already knows the answer but is trying to distract me. "Okay. We'll have to crouch, then. Ready?"
She squeezes my waist, pulling me down with her. She suddenly curls into a ball and fits herself against me. The box suddenly becomes smaller. "This is definitely worse. This is definitely…," I say out loud.
"Shh," she says. "Arms around me." I gratefully put my arms around her waist. "The simulation measures your fear response," she reminds me, "so if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next one. Remember?" I know, but I can't just slow my heartbeat down just like that. She advices me, "So try to forget that we're here."
"Yeah?" I say next to her ear, "that easy, huh?"
"You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl," Tris says. Not funny.
"Not claustrophobic people, Tris!" I shout.
"Okay, okay." She takes my hand and guides it towards her heart. "Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?" It's beating quickly.
Then she asks, "Feel how steady it is?" Uh…
I tell her, "It's fast."
"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box." That snaps me out of my fear for a moment, but she quickly changes the subject. "Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that." I feel her taking a deep breath, and I copy her.
"Okay." It helps a little, but not enough to let us move on.
Then she asks, "Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us…somehow." I don't want to, but that's why I came here with her in the first place. To let her know more about me.
"Um…okay," I take in another deep breath. "This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs."
She obviously has nothing to say to that, so she responds, "My mother kept our winter coats in our closet."
"I don't…" I gasp again, "want to talk about this anymore." There is only so much I can tell.
She understands and says, "Okay. Then…I can talk. Asking you something."
"Okay," this is my chance! "Why is your heart racing, Tris?"
She cringes, and says, "Well, I…I barely know you." Is that it? "I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Tobias, what do you think?" Huh, that piece of information only made hope swell up again and force my heart to beat even faster, as if it wasn't fast enough before.
I take this chance to ask her, "If we were in your landscape, would I be in it?"
"I'm not afraid of you." That's not what I meant, and I tell her. "Of course you're not. But that's not what I meant." I start laughing, and I start feeling the pressure becoming lighter each time I laugh. I look around and see the walls gone. I sigh and stand up. She awkwardly gets up and brushes her pants. I already miss her warmth. I grin at her and tell her, "Maybe you were cut out for Candor because you're a terrible liar."
"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well." For a moment, the reminder of the test makes me wonder of her results." She widens her eyes in surprise, but before she can answer, I see a woman behind her, holding a gun. On my left, a table appears with a gun and bullet on it. Of course. Tris looks confused at first, but then realizes, "You have to kill her."
"Every single time."
"She isn't real," Tris softly says. I bite my lip.
"It feels real," I respond.
She reminds me, "If she was real, she would've killed you already. It's okay."
"I'll just…do it." I pick up the gun and open the gun chamber, with my shaky hands. I click the bullet into the chamber and hold out the gun in front of me, aiming at the woman. I shut an eye and breathe in slowly. As I exhale, I fire and watch the woman's face distort in pain. I killed her once again. Her blood spills onto the ground, creating a puddle. I can't bring my eyes away from her crumpled body. I drop my gun and kneel next to her.
"C'mon," Tris says, "Let's go. Keep moving." She tugs my arm and brings me to reality, and I follow her. When I look back, the woman's body disappears. We continue walking, and I dread over what comes next.
"Here we go," I whisper. A dark figure moves ahead of us, creeping along the edge of the circle of light, waiting for us to take another step. Marcus emerges, with the belt curled around one of his fists. Then I hear Tris ask, in a shocked voice, "Marcus?"
Slowly he unwinds it from his fingers. "This is for your own good," he says, and hi s voice echoes a dozen times. A dozen Marcuses press into the circle of light, all holding the same belt, with the same blank expression. When the Marcuses blink again, their eyes turn into empty, black pits. The belts slither along the floor, which is now white tile. I freeze. The first Marcus yanks his arm back, the belt sailing over his shoulder as he prepares to strike. I shrink back, throwing my arms up to protect my face out of habit. I close my eyes shut and prepare for the hot pain. But it never comes. I look up to find Tris standing in front of me with the belt wrapped around her wrist. Marcus loses his grip, so she takes the opportunity to take it out of his hands. She holds it by the buckle, and hits him. Marcus begins to charge at her. He's about to hurt her! Anger starts to flow through my veins. I run in between Marcus and Tris, looking down at him. Suddenly all the Marcuses disappear and the lights turn on.
"That's it?" she says, in complete surprise. "Those were your worst fears? That's even less than…" She stops when she looks at my face. I don't care; I just bring her into a hug. I kiss her cheeks and bury my face in her neck, breathing against her collarbone. She stands still for a moment, then returns the hug and sighs. "Hey," she says, "we got through it."
"You got me through it," I finally say.
She nervously laughs and says, "Well, it's easy to be brave when they're not my fears."
I entwine my fingers with hers. "Come on," I say, "I have something else to show you."
Phew! That chapter took forever! (more like 2 hours) Anyways, I finally finished finals, which is the reason why I haven't been updating, but I'm finally on winter break for 2 weeks, so I'll be updating a regularly. By the way, finals almost killed me, well it killed me on the inside. :) Please review!
I got a lot of ideas off of Divergent for this chapter, even more than usual, but this one actually has a lot of quotes without quotation marks. Again, please review!