Again, and again…Disclaimer: All the great, talented and eminent J K Rowling's work of magic (tee hee) and none of the characters, except Yuuko, Steph, Natalie, Sarah, Cook, Jordan, James and Eggy, who exist, so aren't mine, but aren't J.K.'s. *Gets on knees to pray to mighty J K.* So please don't sue me. Please!! *Gets back to praying to my 'J.K. Shrine'*

Plot: Nobody knew this, but Hogwarts has a secret safeguard…potions! Except it backfires, causing all sorts of chaos!

Extra A/N:  Songs in bold, *actions between stars* [Narrations in square brackets] and (adlibs in curvy brackets). My friends and myself are also dumped there…and James Napier and Dan Weekes-Hannah. By the way, I do not know who these people are, so please don't ask…

By the way, Spangle Star, I am a teensy bit of a fan but Cook likes Queen and I thought he could sing Queen songs.

BABES OF HOGWARTS!

[Well, readers, the time has come to announce the opening of the BABES OF HOGWARTS competition!! *Strange opening music by Cook, Jordan, James B and Eggy, which sounds a bit like Daphne and Celeste…* Erm, thanks guys, I think…]

Eos *Who is just a voice from above*: Judges will be Yuuko, Tine, Steph, Dan, James N and Natalie! The female competitors have been banished for the day, and hae gone shopping in Newcastle.

Yuuko: You sent them to NEWCASTLE?

Eos: Um…yeah…

Steph, Nat: They will be eaten alive…

Eos: Oh dear… Right, I'll give you the competitors for the male competition first! Drum roll please…

MALE

Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy

Ronald Weasley

George and Fred Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Bill Weasley

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Peter (ICK!) Pettigrew

Tom Marvolo Riddle

Severus Snape

Lucius Malfoy

And Guilderoy Lockhart

Oh, and a last minute entry…Percy Weasley!

Oliver: Erm…What are we doing here?

Bill: We-hey! It's Hogwarts!!

Charlie: …I don't think I want to know.

[No, you don't, but I'll tell you anyway. I am a narrator for a fanfic. The author of this fanfic has brought you all together because there will be a BABES OF HOGWARTS competition, and ALL of you are entered.]

All: …

Lucius: What are the Weasleys doing here, then? *Smacked over head by Yuuko* OW! Quit it!

Eos: Right! It is up to the judges what activities you will participate in. And I will, no doubt, approve of my other half's evilness.

Bill: Other half?

[Literally. The disembodied voice is the authoress side of Yuuko and Yuuko here is the imagination. Stick them together and you get a full Yuuko!]

Weasleys: Oh, right…

Lucius: So, all she is is a psychopathic Fanfiction author with no ambition. Go figure.

Draco: Hey! *Smacks Lucius over the head with ruler*

Harry: Right. I'm in this too, then?

Eos: Did I read your name out?

Harry: *Thinks* No.

Eos: Nice try, buddy.

Harry: Oh, well.

[So, have you decided what the first stage of the competition is?]

Yuuko: *Sniggering* Oh, yes.

All: …should we be afraid?

Steph: *Sighing* Only ones that we don't like.

Snape, Lucius, Voldemort, Wormtail, Lockhart: Oh, shit.

Yuuko: We have decided, unanimously, that the first stage of this –ahem- prestigious competition shall be…the catwalk. Yes, folks. We need to know if you would look good in a chicken suit, or a garbage can. Of course, the people we do like will be allowed to wear designer gear, and they would be the Weasleys, Draco, Harry and all of the marauders except Wormtail. He he he…need I mention that we will be the ones to choose your clothing?

Tine: Well, I knew this would be fun some day…*evil snickers*

Harry: EEK! EVIL CHOCOLATE BAR!!

All: …

Harry: …um…muggle thing?

Yuuko: No muggle in their right mind would……oh, yeah, right mind. Never mind, then.

Steph, Harry: HEY!!

Tine: I'm lost.

Snape: *Back to old self* Well, aren't we all?

Lupin: Severus! You are back to your old self!!

Snape: Huh? *Nearly falls over when Lupin hugs him* EEP!

Sirius: Don't touch him, Remus! You don't know where he's been!

Lucius: I do!

Snape: Shut up, Lucius!

Remus: Sirius, will you give him a break!

Sirius: A break? I'll give him a break in a minute!

James P: Sirius calm down!

Lucius: Yeah, Sirius, do what Pottykins tells you!

James P: …………….

Snape: Right, Black, you are going down man!!

Sirius: Oh, yeah? You goin down wid me den!

Lupin: …oh shite.

James P: *Attacks Lucius*

Yuuko: *Looks at other judges, amused*

Bill: …Of course, no hard feelings when I win.

Charlie: 'when' you win? Don't you mean 'if' you win?

Bill: Every woman loves the rugged look, right?

George: We are so gonna win!

Percy: Ahem, women, I believe, like the career-wise type.

Fred: Shut up, Perc!

Percy: No, I will not! I have more chance of winning than any of you!

Ron: No you flippin' well do not!

Percy: Do so!

Ron: DO not!

Charlie: Even Longbottom has more chance of winning than you Percy!

Neville: Hey! That's nasty!!

Charlie: Oh, shut up!

Harry: Now, Charlie, there's no need for that!

Oliver: I can take you on any day, country-boy!

Charlie: Country-boy?! That's it! You DIE!!

Oliver: *Dives at Charlie and both roll along floor*

Harry: …

Draco: …I'm going to go talk to some normal people… *Walks over to judges*

Harry: …wait for me…

Neville: Don't leeeaave meeeeeeeeee! HACK! *Strangled by Ron, whom he punches*

Ron: Ow!

Wormtail: Of course, you will win, my Lord!

Tom Riddle (somehow gone back to being about 20): Lord? What the hell you on about?

Wormtail: *Gasp* My Lord, what have they done to you?!

Tom: Yeah, what ever…oh, hang on, I feel an evil streak coming along.

Yuuko: *To other judges and Harry and Draco* Streak? Cover your eyes, kids…

Tom: Not that streak!

All: *Sigh of relief then get back to ripping each other to bits*

Lockhart: *Snoring in corner*

Sirius: And it's Sirius, not serious! S-I-R-I-U-S!

Yuuko, Steph, Nat, Harry, Draco: M-O-U-S-E!!

Lupin: Very good, you can all count now, then?

Yuuko: Be very careful what you say, Remus, darling.

Lupin: *Shrinks* Sorry.

~*~

[Lots of fighting, screaming and shouting of obscene remarks later, the Authoress has finally put them all in straightjackets. Well, except the judges and Harry and Draco.]

Tom: I was acting NORMAL!! *Cynical looks* Well, far closer to normal than these freaks!!

Yuuko: Lucius, is that your impression of a worm?

Snape: *Realises that Lucius is closer than he should be, and screams*

Yuuko: *Sighs and drags Lucius to far corner of hall*

Charlie: I'm still gonna win.

Bill: You so are not!!

Ron, Percy, twins: Shut up!

Yuuko: ALL of you shut up!

Steph: *Sigh* The next chapter, and you lot will definitely be doing the catwalk, OK?

Lucius: No, not really.

Eos: Tough.