Author's Note:
You know, I wrote chapter 25 of this a month ago and haven't touched it since, lol. I really should get on top of finishing it soon xD

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Going back to Hogwarts without Bellatrix felt weird.

Narcissa was always used to sitting with her sister on the train, but this time she sat alone. Andromeda wouldn't look at her, let alone speak to her, and she didn't have many friends to speak of that could help fill the lonely feeling that was now settling deep in her chest. As the train rolled on down the tracks she sighed, looking out the window and wondering what her sister was doing right now.

After the wedding, Bellatrix and Rodolphus went on their honeymoon to Scandinavia. Narcissa wondered if they had sex for the formality of it, or if they just went off and did their own thing during their holiday. The two of them never seemed to have any kind of romantic or sexual connection at all, but there were traditions. Narcissa's stomach sank at the thought of him being inside of her.

She was still angry with Bellatrix over what happened with Andromeda. After all, that pushed the line severely, but she still couldn't help but miss her. She felt so incredibly alone right now. Even with how screwed up her home life was, for the first time it truly felt like her family was being torn apart.

Everything just felt so out of her control. Narcissa was never a carefree youth or anything, but at least she knew when to expect the beatings, when to expect when horrible things would happen. A hair out of place, a couple pounds overweight, defiance; she knew to brace herself for the pain. But everything that's happened in the last couple of years, it just all felt like it was coming out of nowhere; one shit storm after another. She couldn't even be happy with Bellatrix unless something horrible happened directly afterwards. The lack of control was suffocating her and making her feel weak and like she didn't have a handle on her own life.

She wished that she could just run away with Bellatrix, but it was a fool's desire. This was what their life was now. This, Bellatrix married and Narcissa soon to follow in her footsteps. She longed so desperately for it to be December; time for her birthday, time for her to go away to Paris with Bellatrix. But it would only be for the weekend. It saddened her as she realized that her time with her sister was fleeting and would more than likely stay that way for the rest of their lives. They were doomed to only be happy a few times a year; the few times that they could find themselves with each other.

Narcissa took to crying herself to sleep most nights after that revelation.

With Bellatrix gone, her mother became practically unbearable. She knew it wasn't just towards her; she noticed the amount of owls Andromeda would receive from home as well, although she never spoke to Narcissa about them. Andromeda wouldn't get within ten feet of her if she could help it though, so it was of no surprise that she didn't share anything with her. Not that she could blame her. But the owls really were horrible; they just added more stress that Narcissa didn't need.

"Mind your weight, dear. You were looking chubby in your bridesmaid dress and I will not have fat daughters; that's positively disgusting."

"Your useless sister still has yet to get any marriage proposals, and at nearly sixteen! This is completely unacceptable and you should be pushing her to try to catch someone's eye, Narcissa. I hope you will prove this family's worth more than she does when you reach her age."

"Your aunt is positively livid over Sirius being sorted into Gryffindor, as she rightfully should be. It's been centuries since a Black was anything but a Slytherin! Oh, the shame that child has brought on our whole family. One bad apple is enough, Narcissa, so you'd do well to prove yourself worthy of your last name."

"For Gods sake, we need to do something with your hair when you get back. Your father is right; that color blonde is so dull and lifeless. You must have gotten it from your father's side, because my side of the family has never produced a child with that freakish looking color adorning their head. Expect for me to lighten it on your return trip for Christmas. Right now you look so washed out, it's no wonder you haven't caught any pureblooded boy's eyes yet."

"Remember to cut what you're eating in half. I promise you, if you come back for the holidays looking a cow I'll force my fingers down your throat until you lose two dress sizes."

"We had so many hopes for you, Narcissa. It's a shame as you're maturing that your features are becoming less desirable. I'll search for a spell to fix that. Blacks do not breed ugly children. If I find one, I'll make sure to teach it to you just in case you breed undesirable looking offspring as well."

Narcissa had never had the best self-esteem. She was used to her mother's insults, but now they seemed to be coming in the post nearly every day. Every single sodding day she'd wake up feeling horrible about herself. Bellatrix used to tell her she was beautiful, but she wasn't around anymore. Everyday Narcissa would look in the mirror and cry at what she saw. The more alone she found herself, the more she started believing her mother's words.

She was right, after all. She did look washed out, fat, and ugly. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was depression, but it didn't matter. She had dark circles under her eyes and Narcissa quickly found herself disgusted when she laid eyes on herself. No one was around to tell her that her mother was wrong. No one was around to tell her she was beautiful the way she was. No one was around to hold on to while the world spun beneath her feet. So out of control, so lost.

With Bellatrix gone, she didn't have anyone to help her with homework. Her grades slipped drastically and she received a howler from her mother that made her flee the Great Hall in tears. People laughed at her after that, calling her a crybaby. It was juvenile, but it bothered her; to be laughed at. With Bellatrix gone, she was picked on. Suddenly it seemed like people who openly hated Bellatrix turned their anger on her just because they used to be so close; just because she no longer had protection from the one that they feared. With Bellatrix gone, she had no one to save her.

Narcissa just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. School used to be a safe haven for her, but it no longer felt like such. Her whole world felt like it was ripped out from underneath her feet and she was falling with no hope of finding something to hang onto. She so desperately wanted control over something, anything in her life.

So Narcissa stopped eating.

It wasn't a conscious decision on her part; she just found that she was either too upset or too stressed to eat. She didn't want to go down to the Great Hall either, for fear of more letters from her mother that she couldn't emotionally handle or more students picking on her just because she was no longer protected by her sister. During those times she usually stayed in the loo, glad to finally have a chance to be alone. She found she hated being in crowds because for some strange reason it only made her feel even lonelier.

Even with all the drama from last year, Narcissa wished more than anything that she could go back in time just so she could stay in Bellatrix's arms forever; block out the world and never have to deal with anything bad ever again. Maybe she never did have control of her own life, maybe Bellatrix was the one who always had all the control over her, but without her around Narcissa finally felt the full impact of true loneliness.

After two months of barely remembering to eat, she finally started to feel better. She found that controlling her hunger was the first step to controlling her whole life. She would drink so much water to trick herself into feeling full that her bladder could barely stand it, but at least she was losing weight and finally starting to feel like she had a handle on a part of her existence. Maybe now her mother wouldn't beat her the second she walked into the door, which was also a plus. Narcissa didn't know if she could handle that; it may very well break her this time.

No one noticed that she didn't eat much of anything anymore. And who would? The few friends she used to have abandoned her when she started spending all her time with Bellatrix. Not that they all didn't like her, because some of her friends really did like her sister, but it was more that Narcissa couldn't be bothered much with spending any time with them last year because she always craved to only be around Bellatrix. She supposed it was her own fault that she was completely alone now, seeing as she basically ignored anyone who ever showed any interest in being friendly with her whenever Bellatrix was around.

She regretted it deeply. She was finally starting to understand Bellatrix's concern about her being Narcissa's whole world because unfortunately when her sister wasn't around the world didn't stop.

It was the end of November and her birthday was coming up soon, just a few short weeks. Narcissa was desperately trying to study for her midterm exams in the library, pouring over her schoolbooks and wishing her eyes would stop crossing when she tried to read the words in front of her. She was feeling lightheaded, but it was something she had relatively learned to deal with due to the lack of nutrition entering her body. That didn't mean it made studying any easier though.

She loathed History of Magic, but she knew she had to pass it to get to her fifth year. God, she hated that it was a requirement. It was horrible, really, thinking about next year. She was already feeling the pressure with her schoolwork now, and to have to have that triple next year just because of O.W.L.s? Sometimes she wished she could just go to sleep and wake up when school was over. It was only going to get worse; she knew it. She remembered how stressed out Bellatrix got when her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s came up, and she was the smart one!

Groaning, Narcissa pitched forward until her forehead hit the book on the table. She couldn't do this. Who bloody cared about the Goblin's Rebellion anyway? They were dirty little creatures that in no way deserved to be equal.

She suddenly felt her head be pushed and it flew off the book, making her forehead hit the table hard. As Narcissa sat up and winced, covering her face with her hand, she heard laughing behind her. "You going to cry about it, crybaby? Go on, cry for us," one girl mocked her, encouraging her friends to laugh at Narcissa's expense. It was Astraea; a girl Bellatrix constantly undermined all the time at the Slytherin table during meals. Narcissa never really knew why they didn't like each other, the feud apparently started before Narcissa came to school, but it was merely sniping at each other. As far as she knew, Bellatrix never did any real damage to her.

Narcissa tried to ignore her as she rubbed her forehead with one hand, gathering up her books up with another. She wasn't going to sit here and take this. But she was shoved down into her seat hard by a hand on her shoulder. Narcissa was about to reach for her wand before she felt Astraea's wand digging into the back of her neck. "Wouldn't do that if I were you."

"What do you want? I'm trying to study," Narcissa said evenly, refusing to cry even though this was not helping her overwhelmed feeling at all.

"Studying isn't going to help your utter stupidity any," Astraea told her, laughing. Then she mocked Narcissa from earlier in class by screaming in an overly girlish tone: "Oh my god! This plant is trying to kill me! Someone help! I'm useless and don't know my own head from my arse!" Her friends burst out in laugher as she went on, "Everyone knows you don't go near Venomous Tentacula, idiot."

"Sod off!" Narcissa growled as tears sprang to her eyes for being made fun of so openly. She just wanted to disappear.

"What did you say to me?" Astraea snapped, furious. She pushed Narcissa right out of her seat and the moment she hit the floor hard she heard the words, "Furnunculus," leave her lips. Narcissa screamed as boils started to pop up all over her face. It was excruciatingly painful and she covered her face in horror. She was definitely crying now; the tears were stinging her agitated skin.

Then she heard a loud bang as Astraea was blown backwards into a bookshelf. Her friends scattered instantly. Narcissa was too busy crying and trying to get up to know who just took down Astraea. She didn't care; she just needed to get to Madame Pomfrey before anyone else saw her like this. She couldn't bear the thought of the taunts that would surely follow if the rest of the school got wind of this.

Narcissa nearly jumped out of her skin and she let out a scream when she felt hands on her, trying to help her up. "Are you alright?" a boy asked. His voice sounded familiar, but Narcissa wouldn't take her hands off her face to see him. She struggled to get out of his grasp so she could run far, far away.

"I'm fine, just leave me alone," she begged, but he wouldn't let go of her.

"Narcissa, calm down; it's me, Lucius. Let me take you to Madame Pomfrey, she'll be able to take care of you."

Narcissa wanted to scream and punch a wall when she heard it was Lucius. Her first crush seeing her like this? This was worse than it being just some random stranger. Her day has already been shit, but this was the icing on the sodding cake.

"Please, don't. That's… that's kind of you, but I don't want you seeing me like this," Narcissa whispered, still desperately trying to cover her face from him.

"I've had that curse thrown at me more than once," Lucius told her, amusement in his voice. "Trust me, it's nothing I haven't already seen. And don't worry about Astraea; the blood-traitorous waste of space is out cold. She'll be dealt with properly later though, I promise you. No one of your status should ever have to endure such torment." His voice held the same tone of finality that Bellatrix had when she marked her victims. For once, Narcissa couldn't find it within herself to care about another's well being.

Lucius' kindness was more than she could handle though. Narcissa was so used to being alone these past few months – her against the world – that the thought of someone caring enough to avenge her brought her to tears. Well, more tears. She tried to speak, but Lucius only shushed her as he gathered up Narcissa's wand and book bag before leading her to the Hospital Wing.

He kept his arm around her shoulders the whole time as they briskly made their way to Madame Pomfrey's. Thankfully Lucius took the back corridors so they would encounter less people, but the few students they did come across were silenced from their laughter immediately due to Lucius pointing his wand at them, a warning in his eyes.

When they reached the Hospital Wing, Narcissa's tears had died down significantly, but she still felt horribly embarrassed. She didn't have to worry about it much though because immediately her hand was taken by Madame Pomfrey and she was being led to a bed and practically pushed down onto it. "Oh dear, that does look nasty. You children and your curses, sometimes I feel like you must have all been raised in a barn! But no matter; sit, sit, dear. I'll have that cleared up in no time, don't you worry." And then she fluttered off to get her supplies.

Narcissa felt the mattress on the hospital bed compress as Lucius sat next to her. She refused to look at him though, still covering her face with her hands. This was so humiliating. Not only was she being picked on, but now Lucius had to witness it? It was the first time they had really spoken since Bellatrix scared him off, though she never thought he'd come round again once her sister was out of the picture. He had his girlfriends, Narcissa saw them. He always seemed to find one immediately after he tossed the last. While Lucius was her first crush, and while he was being kind to her again, Narcissa had no desire to be the next girl on his laundry list. She couldn't bear to be tossed aside when she already felt so alone.

"I'm fine, really," she whispered, just wishing he would go. "You don't have to stay with me, Lucius. I.. I appreciate what you did though. Thank you."

"It should be a crime for someone to try to defile a beauty such as yourself," Lucius told her. That should have made Narcissa feel better, but it just sounded like a line. She didn't feel very beautiful, even when she didn't have the boils. She was convinced he was lying to her.

"You're too kind," she stated politely, but it didn't sound very much like gratitude. She bit her lower lip as she watched Madame Pomfrey come out from her office with a goblet. Narcissa was worried what was inside of it. Lucius was about to say something, but was interrupted by the nurse.

"Here, here, drink up," Madame Pomfrey told her, pushing the goblet into Narcissa's hands. "And for the love of Merlin, don't ask me what's in it."

Narcissa curled up her lip in disgust but hesitantly brought the goblet to her lips. The liquid tasted foul and she coughed after she devoured most of it. The goblet was immediately wrenched from her grasp by Madame Pomfrey. "You'll be good as new come an hour. You're welcome to stay here until then," she told her before skittering off into her office again.

"God, that was foul," Narcissa coughed, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. Then she realized she wasn't covering her face anymore and immediately threw her hands up, shielding her face from Lucius' view as she looked away from him. "I'm fine," she reiterated, hoping he would get the hint. He seemed to immediately.

"Have I done something to offend you, Lady Black?" Lucius asked in his ever-so-polite way that he always spoke to her. It was ridiculous in a way, because she had heard him be less than polite when speaking with just his friends, or even his girlfriend of the month.

"Why do you speak to me like that?"

"Pardon?"

Narcissa sighed, looking out the window. "You know what I mean; you speak to me like I'm royalty. You don't have to flaunt your proper upbringing in my face, I'm already aware of what kind of family you come from. I just don't understand why you would speak to me like you would your Great Aunt when I know that's not how you normally address people."

Lucius smirked. "Trust me, I don't address my Great Aunt in this manner. She's not deserving of such politeness."

"That wasn't an answer."

"You don't like it? I always assumed women of your status enjoyed being spoken to like a Queen. It's what you're worthy of, after all."

"Just stop," Narcissa said, sighing. "I don't know what game you're playing, but I won't be a part of it. I've seen you with many pureblooded girls and not once have you spoken to them like you do me."

"That's because none of them can compare to you," Lucius told her, chuckling a little like the fact that Narcissa would even compare is ridiculous. "They're all tramps; been around the common room more than once. They have no respect for their blood purity and upbringing. You, on the other hand, have stayed pure and chaste."

"Do I have 'virgin' written on my forehead now?!" Narcissa shouted, offended. She pushed him away, "Piss off."

"It was merely meant as a compliment…" Lucius tried to explain.

"Well it didn't sound like one!" Narcissa exclaimed, finally turning to look at him. She didn't care about the boils anymore. "It sounds like you've slept around, like the whole sodding world has slept around outside of me; like I'm some kind of freak for wanting to stay pure for my husband! So what of your bloody purity and upbringing, Lucius? Were you not expected to stay pure for your future wife? How can you desire qualities in me that you couldn't bear to hold yourself?"

"Because I admire your strength."

Narcissa rolled her eyes. That was such a weak answer. She turned away from him, folding her arms across her chest and looking out the window. "If you're only chatting me up to take my chastity, look elsewhere. I'm not interested in being another one of your nameless, faceless whores. Unlike you, I stick to my resolve."

"That's not…" Lucius started, then sighed. He knew he was getting nowhere fast. "Sod it," he mumbled before he took Narcissa's hand in his, making her turn to face him. "You don't understand, Narcissa," he started. "I admire you for not bringing shame to your family by breaking tradition. There are so few purebloods that are able to stay untouched before marriage. I'm not taunting you, nor putting you down. I think it's an admirable quality, and very impressive. I think you'd make a wonderful wife one day."

"What are you saying?" Narcissa asked, suspiciously.

Lucius suddenly looked alarmed. "Oh, no! I wasn't proposing or anything, you're too young, that would be—"

"Good," Narcissa cut him off. "Because I'm not going to be married off to someone I have no feelings for; I saw what it did to my sister."

Lucius looked like she wounded his pride. "No feelings?"

"I didn't mean…" Narcissa started, then sighed. "Lucius, you're a fine boy and I'm sure you're going to grow up to be a wonderful man and husband, and while you may be attractive and kind to me, marriage is moving far too fast. I want to be in love before I marry, don't you?" She knew how it felt to be in love because of Bellatrix and she so desperately wanted that for her marriage as well. She wanted to be swept off her feet.

Lucius looked a little taken aback by that question. "I've never given it much thought, honestly. We marry for power, not for love. You know it's a fool's errand, surely."

"I'm aware, but you've never wanted something more than that?" Narcissa asked him. "You've never felt like you deserved that? I know what we're expected to do, it was drilled into my head as a child, I'm sure it was the same for you, but that doesn't mean there can't be love along with the power."

"You speak foolishly."

"Maybe, but at least I have enough of a mind to dream. What do you dream of, Lucius?" Lucius said nothing and Narcissa nodded, accenting her point with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. "That's what I thought."

Lucius was quiet for a long time before he finally spoke. "So a year from now, you would not accept my hand in marriage if I asked?"

Narcissa almost gave herself whiplash by how fast she turned her head to look at him. "Excuse me?"

"I know it's not proper to ask until a lady is fifteen, but you may as well be forewarned that you are the only woman that has caught my eye that I've deemed worthy enough for marriage. You captivated me when you were twelve, Narcissa. I knew then that you would be the woman I would marry."

Narcissa stood up abruptly; feeling like her breath had been taken from her. For all her preaching to Bellatrix about how she would do the right thing and marry a pureblooded boy with no complaints, she finally knew how she felt to be backed into a wall. Lucius was a good match, surely, and she may have daydreamed of marrying him when she was twelve, but that seemed so long ago. So much had happened since then, Lucius and her had barely even spoken since then, and now the first time they do he springs that on her? She suddenly realized how Bellatrix felt; to have no choice in the matter.

"So you'd you trap me into something even if you knew I didn't desire it?" she asked him, her breathing heavier as she refused to look at him. He stood along side of her, however.

"You'd decline then?" Lucius sounded a little crestfallen.

"You tosser! You know just as well as I do that I'm not in the position to decline!" Narcissa screamed at him, rounding on him finally. He took two steps back at her rage.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I thought you'd be pleased…"

"Pleased?" Narcissa repeated venomously. "Pleased? Oh, yes, I'm so pleased to know that there's no hope of me leading my own life, or of falling in love of my own accord. Yes, that's positively lovely."

"No, Narcissa, that isn't—" Lucius tried, suddenly looking so much like the boy he was and not like the man he pretended to be. "I'm doing this all wrong, aren't I?"

"Do you think?" Narcissa snapped.

"I… I apologize," Lucius stuttered, his cool demeanor suddenly shattering in front of her eyes. He looked so nervous and overwhelmed. "I shouldn't have said anything. I won't ask for your hand if that's not what you wish. You have my word."

Narcissa set her jaw and just stared at him.

"I… bloody hell, you're difficult," he muttered, exasperated. That only made her glare at him more. "I'm sorry," he repeated, looking up at her. "I only meant to ask you out, not cause you distress. I went about it all wrong and I sincerely apologize."

"We've barely spoken in years and suddenly you want to ask me on a date when my face is covered in boils?" Narcissa asked skeptically.

"No! I mean yes, I did… do. I just… Christ. Narcissa, I've liked you since I was thirteen. I only stayed away from you because your sister's wrath was something I wasn't prepared to deal with."

"So you're a coward then?" Narcissa countered.

"I was only a boy!" Lucius exclaimed. "Your sister was older and you may not see it, but she's positively terrifying. And while I'm not excited to face her wrath again, I'm prepared for it. I truly think you're breathtaking, Narcissa; boils or not, and I'd be honored if you'd give me the pleasure of a date."

Narcissa couldn't handle this. Too much had happened over the past few months for her to even begin to think about dating someone. "Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to politely decline," Narcissa told him, hoping her voice wasn't shaking. She felt so overwhelmed. "I appreciate the offer, but maybe your affections are better suited towards someone else."

"Narcissa!" Lucius called out after her, but Narcissa walked away from him then, never looking back.

She knew she was being stupid; a nice, pureblood boy whom everyone desired practically proposed to her and the only thing she wanted to do was run away. It was what she dreamed of her whole life, but when faced with the reality of it, it only made her feel suffocated. She didn't want to be married off to the highest bidder; she wanted love. Real, true, head over heels love. But that love belonged to her sister and to her sister alone. The chances of her finding it in Lucius, or any other suitor for that matter, was slim to none. It was such a devastating thought.

She knew she was destined to be forced into a loveless marriage, but that didn't mean she still didn't hold feeble hopes regardless.

TBC...